Secret Cutting
Part One
By Renee
RA3LuvSug4@aol.com

WARNING: FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE CARTER, STOP READING =)

"Kerry, I'm going home." Carter sighed as he slammed his last chart in the rack. He was beat. During that day he saw more than he wanted to see and all he wanted to do was to go home. A fifteen-year-old boy had just recently found out that his family had been lying to him his whole life about his health. And that same fifteen year old boy had got hit by a car and died after telling his HIV positive girlfriend that he had contracted the virus to her.

Kerry noticed Carter's slamming of the chart into the rack and then storming into the lounge. She sat contemplating for a minute over whether she should follow him or let him go. If she let him go, he would keep all his feelings and emotions bottled up inside and get pushed away from society like last year. If she followed him, he would say everything was fine and push away. She finally decided that she should follow him and try to talk to him. It couldn't hurt to try. The red-haired doctor followed Carter into the lounge, leaning on her crutch.

When she came into the lounge, he was sitting on the couch with his jacket on and his briefcase slung on his shoulder, looking deep in thought. As soon as he saw Kerry walk in he immediately stood up.

"I was just leaving." He said hurriedly, and started to leave.

"Wait Carter-" Kerry started to say, but Carter cut her off.

"Sorry I got to go." He said and walked out.

Kerry was left with no one in the room. Oh well, I'll talk to him tomorrow. She thought.

Just then, Abby walked in. Kerry now thought higher of Abby ever since Abby told her that 'trying to help wasn't stupid'. Kerry knew that Abby was Carter's sponsor, and he probably went to her with his problems.

Abby smiled at Kerry and poured herself a cup of coffee. Kerry approached her.

"Hi Abby. Since you're John's sponsor, he tells you stuff, right?" Abby nodded. "Uhh…Well, I saw today he was upset and I just wanted to see if you could talk to him. I don't think it's good for him if he doesn't tell anyone what's on his mind. If he keeps quiet about everything, he might get depressed and go back to his old habits, if you know what I mean."

Abby nodded in agreement. "I agree. I've been trying to get him to open up a lot, but lately he's been kinda quiet. After my shift I'll go over to his place and talk to him, okay?"

"Yea. Thanks Abby. I have to go now. Bye."

Abby was left in the lounge, sipping her coffee. She walked over to the phone and dialed the number she seemed to dial the most.

"Hi John, it's Abby. Do you mind if I come over after my shift?……I get off at nine…Okay, Bye." She grabbed a chart and was off to see a patient.



John Carter sat on a stool in his kitchen looking at his collection of knives in his drawer. He took out the longest and biggest one, the one most capable of slicing through human flesh, just like the one Paul Sobricki used on him and Lucy. He sat there looking at the knife, turning it over in his hands.

"It hurts so bad! Please stop! Pleeeaaasseee!"

"No, I can't. It will be a traumatic tap, I'll get blood in the spinal fluid."

"No, keep going!"

Carter sat looking at the knife he was now holding in his trembling hands. He was now sweating and his eyes were starting to glaze over.

Just then Abby knocked on his door. He stood up and dropped the knife.

"Uhh………It's o-open!"

Abby came in and walked over to where Carter was standing. She said hi and noticed he looked like a little kid waking up from a nightmare.

"Carter, what's wr-" She saw the knife on the floor and stopped in mid-sentence. Abby looked at Carter. He was standing there, looking at the knife. All of a sudden he picked it up and quickly put it away in the drawer.

"N-nothing's wrong. So-uhh…why'd you want to see me?" He asked, walking over to the couch. Abby followed him and sat across from him.

"Weaver wanted me to talk to you. She said you looked upset after your shift."

Carter looked at her and shook his head.

"No, no. I was just-uhh-in a hurry to get home. I was tired." He said, then looked at Abby to see if she believed him. She stared at him for a minute, thinking. Carter secretly hoped she would go and leave him alone.

"It's late and I'm tired. Do you mind, I'd like to go to bed." Carter said. Abby nodded quickly and started to walk towards the door. John followed her and let her out. When she left, he shut the door and sighed, leaning against it. Carter walked into the kitchen and decided that he was hungry. Ever since the summer, he had developed these strange eating habits. Some days he could go a whole day with out even being hungry, and the other days he was hungry all the time. And that wasn't even the weird part. He would want the strangest things too, like cheese and cereal with toast. So he decided to have some chopped tomatoes.

Carter opened the fridge and took out 2 tomatoes. "Then he got out the cutting board and a knife. He started to dice the tomatoes and had those thoughts come back into his head. He was starting to remember when he was in the trauma room, with Deb talking to him.

"John! Do you know where you are?"

Carter was paying no attention to what he was doing and soon cut his finger.

"Shit!" He screamed and got a paper towel to apply pressure on his finger. Pretty soon the towel was soaked and red. He tried to tie a rubber band around his finger to make a sort of tourniquet thing, but the bleeding still didn't stop. Carter figured he would apply pressure on it for another twenty minutes, and if it didn't stop, then he would go back to the ER.

After a while of waiting, Carter decided he should go to get his finger taken care of. He grabbed some paper towels and stood up, getting ready to go. He swayed and felt dizzy. Probably the blood loss. He thought. He figured it would be safer to take the El instead of driving. He put on his coat and walked out the door.