Heaps and heaps and heaps of thanks to Lisa who picked out all the gramma and puncuation mistakes, I know, I know I spell terribly. Thany you so much for fixing some of my sentrances without you this story would be.... I dunno, different thats for sure. :):):):):):):):):)(Lisa you are the best!)

Part 7

I couldn’t believe that I had just blown him off like that and had left him standing in the middle of the street. I drove away, not really minding where I was going but the wedding was at the back of my mind, refusing to leave like a leech that had decided that it wasn’t quiet ready to leave me alone. Not until he had sucked the life out of me.

I was to be ‘Mrs Louie Chi’ in three days time. Not like I was going to keep the name anyway. At work I will be Dr Chen and my personal business was mine and nobody else’s.

Before I knew it I had the lights of the Chicago city behind me and I was heading to the suburbs, the sting of hot tears not subsiding as a newly built dam flooded my already wet cheeks. And the gates of Heaven opened with a flood that only Noah could stand in and then I knew it.

I was all alone.

Just like before.

~*~*~*~

I felt like willing myself to let go. Just let the cars take me up to the stars where the rain was never wet and the pain was bitterless.

But I could never do that.

Al that I’ve worked for in the past two years, pre-stabbing... post-stabbing... all that meant a lot to me and I was not going to give up all that in blind rage.

That’s how everything is to me now. Before and After. Everything is categorized, I don’t know where exactly Deb fit into the picture but I knew she was something important. Someone who could make a drastic impact on my life.

Someone who already has.

Just telling her how I felt about her was not something that came naturally. It wasn't routine, like doing a spinal tap or something.

If I told her that my breath got caught in my throat everytime she bushed past me and that it too me a few minuets to get it back, or that when ever I saw her I would suddenly feel the blood rush to my face, she would look at me as though I had lost my mind and therefore I would be officially rejected.

I don’t think I could take that. Being rejected, I mean.

Somewhere between when she came back to County and when she gave birth to Michael I know that I must have fallen in love with her. Come to think of it I had a pretty big crush on her when I was a 3rd year Med student but once again, too scared to let her think that I was trying to beat her in her studies by dating. Now I’m afraid that I’ve lost the chance.

And in the middle of feeling sorry for myself and trying to see how many lives I had left, I had walked away from where I was and somehow made it to the front doorstep of none other than the Carter Family Mansion.

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"What took you so long? You said that you’d be here by eleven!"

I was faced with a concerned Abby, hands on her hips handing me a cup of hot chocolate. Greatful but not in the mood to chat, I entered my apartment and took the drink wondering how Abby managed to get into my home.

As soon as I entered, the smell of chicken soup cooking on my stove could be smelt and I immediately sniffed at the air wanting more of where that smell came from. I hadn’t really eaten anything since lunch, not having any appetite at the ‘dinner’ and now I was starving.

Abby had me out of my coat and ushered me to my room before I could even see what exactly she had done to my tiny kitchen.

"Change into something more comfortable and then you can eat- not before." commanded Abby noticing how Deb kept looking towards the kitchen where a pot stood, steam softly rising from it’s edges in a calming almost hypnotic way.

I walked robotically into my bedroom and, chose an extra long t-shirt that went just above my knees and a pair of black, cotton baggy draw-string pants. Walking out of my room, I turned my mirror away, not wanting to look at myself in the face, extremely ashamed of who I’d become.

"So when did you become a great cook?" I asked looking over Abby’s shoulder as she silently stirred the pot with a silver ladle.

"Since forever. You really need to eat. Grab a bowl and sit down." said Abby getting straight to the point. For some strange reason, she didn't know exactly what to say to Deb. She had something to say to her, but didn't know how.The problem was that her beating around the bush was clearly not making things easier, and was definitely not her style.

Deb opened a cupboard and with a sigh, reached up and grabbed the first bowl her fingers touched. Taking that and a soup spoon from a drawer just below, she walked to the counter where a couple of high stools stood, and sat down. Abby was acting weird and knew that the best way to deal with it was to wait until she told her what was wrong. In the few months of their friendship, Deb learned one thing about Abby - wait until she made the first move...eventually she will say what's on her mind.

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I didn’t have a clue about what I was doing and I stood at the door step for a while longer, not making a move to ring the door bell or thinking about anything in particular. Trying to keep my thoughts neutral had been hard and now I’ve just came to the conclusion that they aren’t necessary at all. Finally, I turn my back and walked away from the beautiful glossy doors with artistic but formal stained glass designs on them.

The grass underneath my feet crunched and swished underneath my rubber-soled shoes walked across to the gazebo that was in the center of the lawn surrounded by large unrecognizable bushes. It was strange that I had remembered the way to the wooden structure in the dark. When I was younger I had been up here every night just to think, but I hadn’t been there in over fifteen years.

When I got there the smell of cigarette smoke was softly moving through the door way in an almost hypnotic manner. I took a deep breath knowing that smoke was all I needed to calm my nerves.

"John, what are you doing here?"

~*~*~*~

"We broke up." blurted out Abby suddenly.

"What?"

"It didn’t work out, I guess. He was waiting at my apartment and he told me that if I didn’t want to take this further I wouldn’t have to."

"And you said?" asked Deb, wanting to squeeze out as much information as possible. Disgarding her bowl of steaming hot soup, she turned to Abby.

"That I think we should go our separate ways." proclaimed Abby with confidence.

"You didn’t." said Deb, more of a statement than a question.

"No... I didn’t." said Abby a few tears escaping from the corner of her eyes, threatening to bring out a few more as the wall of confidence she had built around her begun to erode,

"Oh, come here!" said Deb soothingly as she opened her arm’s wide ready to hug Abby and play the ‘good friend’. "You’ll find another guy, anyone would be stupid not to love you."

"Yeah. I wish it was that simple." Abby suddenly pulled away from Deb and quickly wiped her reddened eyes, not used to showing that much emotion. "Eat."

Deb ceremoniously took a spoonful of the soup.

"So how was the dinner? Doesn’t look like you ate much." said Abby, watching as Deb began to eat, no really paying much attention to anything except the bowl in front of her.

"This is real good." answered Deb, pulling her face downwards, not wanting to look Abby in the eye and hoping that perhaps she would just drop the comments.

No such luck.

"Don’t play dumb with me Jing-mei...."

"I’m not playing dumb-"

"Then will you please tell me what happened?" asked an exasperated Abby, crossing her arms cross her chest, her problems with Luka forgotten for the time being.

"You don’t want to know." said Deb sorrowfully, beginning with her sad tale.

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"I didn’t know you smoked." came Carter’s simple question.

"I don’t... usually." came back the reply from deep within the shadows. John made no move to leave his position by the entrance of the pagola.

"Why did you come here in the middle of the night?" she reinstated another puff of smoke in Carter’s direction. "Sit down John."

Carter accepted the invitation and sat down next to the aging woman. Her white hair was thin and weak, her cheak bones were clearly outlined against the porcelain skin. Baggs round her eyes showed fatigue and the thick robe seemed inappropriate to the warm September wind. Winter was just around the corner and yet the air still smelled of Spring, the sent of crippling leaves barely noticeable.

"You don’t look well Gamma."

"I’ll be alright."

And with that the two sat, content with their own thoughts penetrating through the darkness of the night.

~*~*~*~

"I almost thought you got it worse than me." said Abby sadly. "No." she declared suddenly, "You do have it worse."

"Jeeze, thanks for the insight." answered Deb, rolling her eyes. "I actually agree with you." she said joining Abby by sighing deeply,

"Eat."

"I’m eating!" defended Deb picking up her spoon and sipping more of the soup. "Where are you staying- Didn’t you move in with him like a month ago?"

Abby looked at her, not saying anything, her eye brows slightly raised. "I’ve already leaned out my stuff but-"

"Your staying with me." concluded Deb, taking another sip of the soup, her face et with determination that Abby knew would take a hurricane to distroy.

~*~*~*~

"John what are you doing here in the middle of the night?" asked Gamma, her need to satisfy her thoughts becoming irrational.

"Well, its morning, now, actually." said John trying to hide from the question by looking at his watch which had managed to wind its way to the insides of his wrist again.

"John." said Millicent Carter impatiently, her face even though quiet pale and frail looking took on the uncharacteristic look of being annoyed.

"I don’t know what to say Gamma. What do you what me to say?" asked Carter, not sure how to explain things or weather or not he should.

"The truth." she said logically. "Is it work?" Gamma asked critically.

"No!" stated John firmly. "Work is great."

"Is it woman problems?" Millicent asked once again, looking into her grandsons face to see if she can allocate any hidden feelings. But John had long since built a wall around his emotions, one that was like hell and back to distroy.

"You could say that." he said softly, looking out at the fields of grass that had just been freshly mown last afternoon.

Millicent thought that she had detected a pinch of sadness in the depths of her grandsons facial expressions but as soon as it had appeared, that tiny wave of emotion had died away.

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"You know it’s been a long time since I’ve actually had this much fun." claimed Deb.

"I agree." said Abby, another spoonful of ice-cream from the tub reaching her mouth.

The two friends had moved from the warm kitchen to the comfy living room. Abby was seated at the opposite end of the couch to Deb and the two of them were sharing a huge, thick colourful doona that was adorned with orange stars to a bright yellow backdrop. Each held a tub of ice-cream, careful not to stain the donna cover.

"Think the rumors about Kerry are true?"

"Well... Shirley the O.R nurse is very reliable. She told me herself what she heard..."

"And you believe?" asked Abby incredulously

"I believe." declared Deb as seriously as she could at one in the morning.

"Ok." said Abby, the look of denial still plastered to her face. "You and John- I suppose it’s a no go?"

"It’s been a no-go right from the start Abby." said Deb sadly. "I was chasing something that would never exist, not in a million years."

"Yeah well, I was sought of hoping..."

"I was sought of hoping too but I got into this mess by myself and there isn’t a way out."

"Have you tried?"

"Tried to what?" asked Deb suspiciously.

"You know... call the wedding off-" suggested Abby unfruitfuly.

"No way." snapped Deb as though it was an insane thing to do.

"Why not? I mean, you could just make up an excuse that you felt..." dragged off Abby, wishing that she had a better reason.

"Felt what." asked Deb, getting a tad annoyed, her question sounding more like a statement. "What is this? Let’s See How We Can Fix My Life in Twenty Seconds? Please, Abby spare me the guilt. What’s done is done and there is nothing that I can do to change it."

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