Lonely, But Never Alone
By Cathy Roberts
huntersglenn@yahoo.com

This is another one of those song lyric challenge stories born over on ERFFCC. Enjoy!

Keywords: Luka Angst and Abby Angst.
Timeline: The summer of 2000. Slight spoilers for "Such Sweet Sorrow"

Disclaimer: "ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. However this story may not be used, distributed or archived without the permission of the author.

Author's Notes: "Circle" by Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians (I'm not sure who actually wrote it. Sorry).

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends on you touching ground with us.
But I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.

Abby's smile remained steady as the elevator doors closed. Then it quickly disappeared. She had gone up to OB to check on a patient that she had admitted earlier that morning. When she had stopped at the nurses' desk to ask about the woman, she had seen that a baby shower was being held for Brenda. Everyone had looked surprised at seeing Abby, and in her mind, they  even looked slightly guilty. These were the same people who kept telling her to come by more often. The same people who told her that they missed working with her. And they couldn't be bothered to let her know about the baby shower. It might not have hurt so bad if it hadn't been for the fact that out of all her co-workers in OB, she had been closest to Brenda. It had Brenda who Abby had turned to when things began to go bad in her marriage. Brenda who had listened to her as she related how she couldn't continue living like that with Matt -- never knowing if there would be enough money to pay the mortgage or the utility bills. Never really knowing where Matt was at any given moment -- only knowing that he wasn't at work where he should have been. Brenda had supported her as she tried one last time to save her marriage and Brenda had stood by her as the marriage shuddered to a stop. It had been Brenda who had encouraged Abby to pursue her dream of becoming a doctor.

But Brenda couldn't be bothered to even call her now that Abby had crossed over to the 'dark side'. She was on the track to being a doctor, and obviously no longer good enough to be included in any thing the nurses did. Not the nurses she had worked with for years in OB and not the nurses she was currently working with in the ER.

Abby sighed and leaned her head against the wall. Maybe she was overreacting. Hadn't they told her just now that they  missed her? Asked her how she was doing, and why wasn't she calling them or coming around to visit more often? Hadn't Cindy taken her aside and whispered that they would have invited her but knew her schedule was hectic, what with her ER rotation and all?

Okay, she told herself. I can give them some slack. Maybe I'm imagining this. They have not cut me off. I have been busy in the ER, working a lot of long shifts. No one ever said that medical school was easy. But, in her heart, Abby knew that she only bull-shitting herself. It wouldn't have mattered if she could have attended the baby shower -- she should have been invited anyway. So much for their friendship, she scoffed.

Even the friends she had made while married were making themselves scarce. From the day the separation papers were signed, they hadn't been around. Some of them were still friends with Matt, but Abby had heard from a few people that  theirold friends had become disgusted with Matt's habit of  begging them to lend him money. Did they think that shewould ask  them on his behalf? Not very likely, she thought. Were the wives afraid that Abby would come on to their husbands now tha  her husband was history? Again, that wasn't very likely, but Abby couldn't dismiss that thought so easily. Women who had no  hesitated to flirt with Matt would find it easy to believe that Abby would behave the same with their husbands, even if she never had before.

The elevator came to a halt and the doors opened. Abby stepped into the bustling hallway, embracing the presence of everyone around her. It wasn't the same as being with true friends, but at least she wasn't alone. Now, if only she could find a way to keep from being lonely, then maybe she wouldn't be feeling so sorry for herself.

And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say goodbye.
Everything is temporary anyway.
When the streets are wet -- the color slip into the sky.
But I don't know why that means you and I are -
that means you and.... I quit -- I give up.
Nothin's good enough for anybody else it seems.

The photograph was out of focus, making it difficult to discern the features on the faces of the woman and child. Then Luka blinked back his tears and the picture was once more clear. His wife and daughter smiled out at him, caught forever in a moment of happiness that was far removed from the way they felt on the days they died.

Luka carefully put the photo back in his wallet. He had been looking at it a lot since Carol Hathaway left Chicago. He had thought that maybe he could have a chance at another life with her. Maybe. But, she was still in love with the man who had fathered her children. Doug Ross was his name and he was still a legend around County General. Luka couldn't really hate Carol for finally listening to her heart and going to be with him.

Losing a prospective girlfriend wasn't what hurt the most. While that had been painful, it had passed. What had hurt was losing Carol as his friend. She had been the only friend he had made since he decided to stay in Chicago. Luka had never really stayed in any one place long enough to make friends in the States, and most of the ones from his childhood and the early days of his marriage were either dead or trying to put their lives back together. Probably doing a much better job than he had been doing, he thought.

Opening up to Carol had been a mistake. A big mistake. He could see that now. He had bared his soul to her, told her things about his family that he hadn't shared with others. He had hesitated on sharing his new dreams, and for that he was now glad. He should have kept to himself, he knew that now. Then there wouldn't have been the pain when Carol said goodbye.  Well, he wouldn't make that same mistake again. He would get up every morning and go to work, do his job to the best of his abilities, then go home at night. No going out for beers with Malucci. No talking about journal articles with Carter. No discussing the weather with his neighbors. He would keep to himself and survive without the heartache. He'd already had way too much of that in his life. It wouldn't hurt him to miss a lot more.

And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say...
Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around.