I will admit up front that there
are some aspects to this story that I thought of all by myself.
Other aspects were inspired by known spoilers. One idea in
particular had been floating around in my head since the spring,
when there was a spoiler regarding Carter getting an unusual
roommate. Needless to say, when I found out that that particular
spoiler was going to be reality this season, with the very same
roommate as in my idea, I was quite annoyed. It will be interesting
to see if the "ER" writers handle the situation in the same way.

"ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No
infringement of their copyright is intended. This story was
written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be
downloaded for your own pleasure. However this story may not be
used, distributed or archived without the permission of the
author.

 A big thank you to my editor Melissa, who is always ready with
helpful hints and suggestions. It wouldn't be as good without her.

After Carter had lost his job and living quarters as an R.A., he
first went to the post office and rented a box. That way, no
matter where he ended up, he would always get his mail. He hated
the idea of spending money, but he felt that it was a justified
expense. His search for a place to live wasn't so easy though.
Renting a room on a daily or monthly basis would eat up his
paycheck and leave him no way to save for a deposit and first
month's rent on his own place. He knew that he could go to his
grandparents or parents and have a place to stay, but he was
determined not to do that. Especially since he still felt so hurt
and betrayed by what his father had done to him. So, his first
night without a place to live was spent in the backseat of his
Jeep in the parking garage at the hospital. There were many
nights to follow. He would drive around the garage, changing his
parking spot and giving the Jeep time to warm up before he had to
sleep. Not that he was really getting much rest in there. He was
too afraid of freezing to death to sleep soundly, and every noise
he heard would make him edgy. He didn't think it was against the
law to sleep in his vehicle there, since he was a hospital
employee, but he didn't want to take the chance that it was. At
least he had access to a shower and could at least be clean when
his shift began.

Carter didn't realize that his co-workers were becoming worried
about him. Jerry and Randi both noticed how Carter would hang up
immediately upon receiving certain phone calls, not even talking
to the man on the other end. Lucy Knight and the nurses noticed
the ever darkening circles under his eyes and the way his clothing
was beginning to hang on him. They couldn't remember the last
time they saw him in the cafeteria, or checking out the donut
selections. The other doctors noticed how distracted he was when
he didn't have a patient.

Mark slammed a file down on the desk, "I do not understand how
people who do not work down here could conscientiously vote for
someone to head up this department!" 

"Another round goes to Litvak", Randi said as she reached for the
ringing telephone.

"Not yet. Maybe if he could stand to get his hands a little bloody
and do some work, he might see things more my way. But, no, he just
wants to sit in his office and be a paper pusher. Well, I've had
about enough of his paper!"

Lydia laughed, "Wow, five days and you're already revolting down
here. I think Swift lasted longer than that!" 

"Anyone know where Carter can be found? This call is for him", Randi
asked.

"He's in the lounge", Lydia told her.

"Thanks" Randi opened the lounge door. Carter was at the table,
taking care of some paperwork for the files. "Dr. Carter, there's
a phone call for you."

"Thanks, Randi." He followed her to the front desk.

"It's your father", she said as she handed him the receiver. He
frowned and immediately hung up and returned to the lounge. Randi
shook her head, "I don't get it. I thought Carter looked forward
to hearing from his parents." 

"He does", Mark said, looking thoughtful. His tirade against
Litvak could wait, he decided as he went into the lounge. "How's
it going, Carter?", he asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee.  

"Okay."

"Can I get you some coffee?"

"No thanks. I've had plenty."

"I guess we could get some decaf in here. It might make it easier
for us to get a good night's sleep."

"Maybe."

"John, are you really okay? You look tired."

Carter shrugged, "I'm fine. I am a little tired, but that goes with
the job, right?"

"Well, you know that cold and flu season is quickly approaching. A
person who isn't well-rested is more easily susceptible."

"I know that. I had my flu shot already.", he replied.

The door opened and Lucy entered the room, clipboard in hand. "Dr.
Carter, you wanted me to get you when I was done with the medical
history for Mrs. O'Brien."

"Right. Let's have it."

Mark leaned back against the counter as he watched Carter interact
with the young student. Something was definitely not right with
John Carter, but until Carter himself was ready to talk about it,
there was going to be no way to find out what was going on.
Although, it must have something to do with his family. Perhaps
it wouldn't hurt to place a call to Carter's father. If Roland
Carter felt he was being too nosy, he would certainly let him
know. Mark rinsed out his cup, then went to find Carter's
personnel file and a telephone number for his father.

After they were done with Mrs. O'Brien, Lucy summoned up enough
courage to be nosy with her boss. "Dr. Carter, are you still
angry with me about the Halloween party?" 

"No! Lucy, I was never angry with you over that."

 "You're sure?", she asked, not sure that he was telling the truth. 

"I'm sure. By the way, Lucy, that was a good job on Mrs. O'Brien's
I.V.", he smiled at her and she beamed back at him.

"I've been practicing a lot."

"And it shows" Carter slipped the file into the "Completed" box.
"Anything for me?"

"We have a mother and daughter who are stuck together. They had
an accident with a tube of glue", Carol handed him the
file, "Curtain Two."

"Thanks, Carol. Lucy, tell me about our options for separating
the pair", he said as they walked away.

Carol turned to Doug. "I think you should invite Carter to lunch." 

"You do? Why?" 

"I don't think he's eating enough." 

Doug looked at the young doctor until Carter was out of sight.
"You may be right, he does seem to be a little on the thin side."

"Something is bothering him", Carol said.

"It has to do with his father", Randi said.

Carol turned to her, surprised that Carter would confide in her of
all people. Carol had always thought of herself as the type of
person that other people wanted to confide in. She was curious
as to what Carter had told her. "What makes you think that?"

"Every time his father calls here to talk to him, Carter hangs up
without ever saying a word. The man must call about two or three
times a shift."

"If he wants to talk to him that badly, why doesn't he just come
down here?", Doug asked.

"Aren't they usually out of the country?", Carol asked.

"Who are we talking about?", Kerry asked as she put up one file
and took another.

Randi replied, "Carter's parents."

"All the work that we have to do around here and the three of
you still manage to gossip about Carter!"

"Dr. Weaver, he's just not himself", Randi stated.

"I realize that. I've noticed how he's been behaving lately, and
that he's exhausted most of the time. But, it's not our place to
gossip about the reason why."

"Well, at least Mark is doing something about it", Carol said.

"What do you mean by that?", Kerry demanded to know.

"He pulled Carter's file and is calling his father to find out
what's going on with him."

"Where is he?"

"The lounge."

"We'll just see about this! Mark just can't go around invading
another person's privacy, no matter how concerned he is for the
person's well-being." Kerry stormed into the lounge. Mark was
on the telephone, listening. He held up his hand for her to be
quiet. Despite her unease at the thought of Mark invading
Carter's privacy, she was also curious as to what the young
resident's father had to say.

 "And they told you they fired him? As of when? No, he hasn't
mentioned it to me or to Dr. Weaver. As far as I know, he
hasn't given us a change of address either. Mr. Carter, thank
you for your time. We'll keep an eye on John." Mark hung up.
"I know, you're going to tell me how I didn't have the right
to make that phone call."

"That's correct. You didn't. What did Mr. Carter have to say?" 

 "He wouldn't go into details, but he did tell me that Carter
is very upset over something he did involving a young woman
that Carter was involved with. When Mr. Carter went to the
dorm to see him, he found that John had been fired because a
Halloween party held there got out of hand. Some students
were arrested when they left the dorm in a drunk state, other
students trashed the place. That was on November 1st. Mr.
Carter hasn't been able to find out where John has been staying."

"Why doesn't he come here to talk to Carter?"

"He had a business meeting out of the country. He'll be back
in Chicago in a week."

"So how did you manage to get him on the phone?"

"Carter put his father's cell phone number on his personal
information form."

"I see. Carter's parents don't seem to spend a lot of time here,
do they?"

"No, they don't", Mark said.

"It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because
Carter comes from a rich family that there are no problems."

"Dysfunctional families cover every economic range, Kerry.
Even the very wealthy. Maybe especially the very wealthy."

"Have you noticed how distracted he seems?", Kerry asked.

"Yes, and I've been keeping a close eye on him. The minute
he seems that way with a patient, he had better be prepared
to talk about what's bothering him."

"I agree."

The door opened and Chuni came in, laughing. "You had
better come see this. Dr. Carter is going to have to shave
off his beard. Is there a camera around here?"

"I think we can find one! I've been waiting for that thing
to go!"

"I didn't know you had such a strong opinion regarding
beards, Kerry."

"Now you do, Dr. Goatee! Chuni, why is he shaving it off?"

"He and Lucy Knight were treating a mother and daughter who
were stuck together with glue. The mother had brought the
tube of glue with her in case we needed to know the ingredients."

Kerry thought of the hundreds of similar cases she had dealt
with over the years. "I think I have them memorized", she
said. "Go on."

"Well, the cap wasn't on and, I'm still not quite sure how
they managed to do this and I was there with them, but Lucy
got the glue on his beard. We would have been able to get
that out with no problem except then Lucy grabbed a tissue
and began to dab at the glue in an effort to get it off.
It was hilarious! She was apologizing all over the place
and all he would tell her was to get out of his sight! I've
never heard him use the type of language that he was using
with her!" Chuni then looked serious, "Lucy finally left
and I have no idea where she went. She was crying though.
I don't think he meant to be mean to her, I think all Carter
wanted to do was to make sure she didn't do anything else to him."

"I'll go look for her. You look after Carter", Kerry told Mark.

"Good idea."

They left the lounge, Kerry in search of a crying medical
Student and Mark in search of an angry resident. Mark found
Carter in the men's room, staring at his own reflection,
scissors in hand as he tried to figure out how to cut out
the tissue without ruining his beard.

"I think that you're going to need a razor", Mark commented.

"I was hoping to avoid having to shave", Carter replied. "I
don't think I was ever as clumsy as Lucy Knight! I feel like
wringing her scrawny little neck."

"Fight that feeling." Mark watched as Carter began to cut
his beard."

"Why?"

"Well, you did do some pretty stupid things when you
were a med student."

"I know, but I never squirted anything in someone's face!"

"No, you were usually the one on the other end. Lucy Knight
is trying so hard to impress you."

"She doesn't need to impress me. She just needs to be a good
doctor."

"Have you told her that?"

"Not in those exact words, but I told her something to that
effect when I discovered that she couldn't do procedures."

"I see. I've noticed that she's able to do an I. V. now."

"I think I'm beginning to see why Dr. Benton never let me do
anything."

"He let you do stitches. You're one of the best at that."

"Thanks. Maybe I should have Lucy do that for about a week."

"A month might be safer", Mark joked.

"Yeah, it just might", Carter said, serious.

There was a knock at the door and Mark answered it. It was
Carol with a razor and shaving cream in hand. "Can you give
this to Carter? I think he'll need them", she said.

"I think you're right about that. Thanks, Carol."

Carter took the shaving gear from Mark, then frowned as he
saw Doug and Malik and entered the room. "I don't think I
need an audience for this."

"We just want to get a picture of the old Dr. Carter
returning to us."

"He never left. Look, if you watch me, I might get nervous
and accidentally slit my throat or something."  

"Then you'll need us in here to help you", Malik said.

"Nice try, Malik, but no thanks. I do not want an audience
for this."

"If you insist.", Doug, Malik and Mark headed out. At the
door, Doug turned, a mischievous smiled on his face, "But,
if you need us, we'll be right outside."

"Just go!"

"I'm going already!" Doug stepped out into the hall.

Carter waited for the door to close completely before he wet down
his face and lathered up. He had grown the beard because after
Anna left, shaving just seemed to be too much of an effort. A lot
of things seemed too much effort. As he began to shave off what
remained of his beard, he found himself remembering how he and
Dennis Gant always wanted to make sure they were freshly shaved
before beginning their shifts. They didn't always succeed in
their quest, but they sure did try hard. Well, Dennis didn't have to
worry about shaving any more, did he? He solved that problem when
he stepped in front of the train. Sure, the police had ruled it
an accident, but Carter knew better. Dennis was hurting over the loss
of his fiance. Dennis was struggling as an intern. And where was
Dennis' supposed best friend during all this? Playing around with
Benton's boss, Abby. Finding any excuse to stay away from Dennis
and his depressed outlook on life. Not giving Dennis someone to
talk to. Someone who just might be able to keep suicidal thoughts
away. It was all too easy to think about killing yourself when
things were going bad. Just the night before, he had stood up on
the roof and looked down to the street below, thinking about how
easy it would be to crawl over that railing and just drop. When
Bobby died, his parents had bought enough burial plots for the
whole family, so Carter knew there was a place for him. He might
not have a roof over his head right now, or a permanent address,
but he did have a grave site. He washed the remaining shaving
cream off his face, dried off with some paper towels, then
looked at his reflection.

 "You look awful, John", he said quietly. There were dark circles
under his eyes, and his skin was pale where he once had the beard.
His eyes looked tired and bloodshot, and without his lab coat on, he
could see that he was losing weight He just didn't have much of an
appetite lately and when he did try to force something down, he felt
sick to his stomach for hours afterward. For the past week he had
been living off of caffeine and an occasional donut. He was finding it
increasingly difficult to concentrate when he was completing his
reports and he was scared that he was going to mess up with a
patient or in a trauma situation. Sighing as he threw away the
paper towels, he found himself dreading the idea of walking out
that door. He could hear everyone outside, waiting to see him.
It wasn't as if they had never seen him without a beard. Well,
Lucy Knight never had, but right now, he didn't have much interest
in seeing her. Then he remembered how she had been crying when she
ran out of the room and he felt guilty for hurting her feelings. He
also remembered the shocked look on Mrs. Martin's face when he had
cursed at Lucy. How could he have been so careless as to curse in
front of a child? What kind of a person was he turning into
lately?

There was a knock on the door, "Carter, are you doing okay in
there?", Mark asked.

"I'm fine. I'll be right out", he called back. Great, now
he was making his colleagues worry about him. Why couldn't
he just turn back the hands of time? Then he could save Dennis
Gant, save Chase, and most importantly, save himself.  

"You'd better hurry up, Carter", Carol called, "We've got a
multi-vehicle accident coming in."

He could hear people rushing away from the door. "They need
me out there", he told his reflection, "I have to go." Then
he left the solitude of the bathroom and steeled himself to
face the trauma situations that were beginning to arrive.

Kerry found Lucy up on the roof, in the same spot where Carter
had found her after she admitted she had lied about being able
to do procedures. Kerry silently handed her a tissue. After
a few more minutes of sniffling, Lucy finally spoke, "I know he
hates me now."

"I don't think so. You didn't do that on purpose did you?"

"No!"

"Then he won't blame you. Sure, he's angry now, but that will
pass. Besides, you did us all a favor. John Carter is a lot
more handsome without a beard."

"You mean you've seen him without one?" 

"Oh, yes. He just grew it over the summer. Come to think of
it, he grew it right after one of our other interns left for
Philadelphia."

"Anna?"

"He's mentioned Anna to you?"

"Once. It was on my first day. He was in love with her,
wasn't he?", Lucy asked.

"I think he still is."

"Sometimes I look at him when he doesn't know I'm there, and
he looks so sad." 

"I've noticed that as well. Lucy, didn't you volunteer to
chaperone a Halloween party at the dorm?"

"I did. It didn't go well at all", Lucy told her what had
happened that night. "Why do you want to know about that?"

"No reason. I was just curious how it had turned out." Kerry
was certain that Lucy would take it personally if she found out
that Carter had been fired from his R. A. position because of
that party. She shivered, "Well, I had better get back
downstairs. It's a bit chilly up here."

"It looks like it's going to rain today", Lucy said.

"Then we should both get back to the E.R. before that happens."

"Dr. Weaver, how can I face him?"

Kerry smiled, "With your head held high, that's how. And Lucy,
lose the sad face."

"I'll try."

When the two women returned to the emergency room, the place was
bustling with the traumas. Kerry jumped right in and Lucy stayed
at her side, helping out as best she could. When the last trauma
patient had been sent to the O.R., Lucy finally had time to notice
that Dr. Weaver had not been lying about Dr. Carter's good looks.
Despite the dark circles under his eyes and the sadness that she
saw in his face and eyes, Lucy thought he was very handsome indeed.

"Dr. Carter? May I speak with you in private please?"

"Sure, Lucy. I have something I need to say to you. I think we
can talk here", he leaned against the wall of the trauma room.

Lucy decided to speak first. "I'm sorry about what happened with
your beard. I just didn't think when I grabbed the tissue. I just
wanted to get the glue off of you."  

"I can understand that, Lucy. I know you didn't do it on purpose,
but you are going to have to learn to think fast on your feet.
That's what trauma is all about. We have to the right thing all
the time, or else we run the risk of killing our patient."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"One more thing, Lucy."

"Yes?"

"I want to apologize for what I said to you earlier. I had no
right to curse at you and I was even more wrong to curse at you
in front of a patient, or patients as was the case. I'm really
sorry."

"Apology accepted. I know that you really didn't mean it."

"Then you know me better than I do. I left some files in the
lounge; why don't you go take a look at them."

"Okay" Lucy smiled up at him, "You know, Dr. Weaver was right.
You are more handsome without the beard." 

Before he could reply, she was out the door. Lucy hoped that
her compliment would lift his spirits a little.

"Dr. Weaver thinks I'm handsome?", he asked the empty room, a
smile playing around his lips. "Imagine that."

"Here comes trouble!", Randi muttered as Dr. Litvak approached
the desk.  

"Do you know where Dr. Weaver is right now?"

"I'm right behind you, Dr. Litvak. What can I help you with?"

"I was wondering if you were done with that report?"

"Report?"

"The one I asked you to do this morning about admissions", he
impatiently replied.

"I haven't had a chance to start it yet."

"I see. It's a wonder you ever managed to get anything done
while you were temporarily in charge, Dr. Weaver."

"Sometimes, patients do have to come first, Dr. Litvak!"

"Dr. Weaver, I know that you were being considered for this job,
but I think that we can work together and,", his attention was
suddenly focused on something behind her. "Who is that? Is he
one of our doctors?"

Kerry turned around and saw that he had noticed John Carter walking
down the hallway to them. "That's one of our residents, Dr. John
Carter. You've met him already."

"He shaved. I didn't recognize him without the beard."

"Ah, well he decided to shave it off today."

"I'm glad. He looks so much better without it." With that, Dr.
Litvak left her and went over to intercept Carter.

"Well, well. Things are just getting more and more interesting
around here", Randi commented as she watched the two men talk.

"How do you mean?"

"Didn't you feel it, Dr. Weaver? That man wants our Dr. Carter."

"You're just imagining things, Randi."

"I don't think so. Just look at the way he's looking at Carter.
He wants him."

Kerry stared at her boss, becoming more and more ill at ease as she
realized that Randi was correct. Everything about Litvak's body
language said that he was attracted to the young resident. She
saw Carter smile slightly and shake his head. He started to
walk away, but Litvak reached out and grabbed his arm, saying
something else to him. Again, Carter shook his head, but the
smile was now gone. Litvak let go of his arm and Carter headed
back down the hallway the way he had come. Litvak turned to face
Kerry and she could see naked lust in his eyes for a moment.
Then he smiled that smug smile they had all come to hate and
walked back over to her.

"I want that report on my desk in the morning, Dr. Weaver. Does
anyone know where Dr. Greene can be found?"

"He left with the paramedics."

"I see. He owes me a report also. I suppose I'll just have to
catch up to him later. I'll be back. By the way, what time
does Dr. Carter's shift end?"

"I believe that he's working a double shift tonight."

"I see. Well, I had better get back to my office. I have a
lot of paperwork to handle. I might even have to work late
myself." He left.

"Carter's not working a double shift, Dr. Weaver", Randi said.

"I know, but Dr. Litvak doesn't have to know that, does he?"

"No, he doesn't", Randi shuddered, "I don't like the thought of
what he might try with Carter. I wonder if Carter even realizes
that Dr. Litvak was coming on to him?"

"I hope not. He's been depressed enough lately. He doesn't need
to have to deal with that right now. Of course, he might have
tendencies we just don't know about", Kerry said.

"I doubt that. Still, you never really know about people."

"No, you never do", Kerry said, "If you need me, I'll be in the
lounge, working on my report."

Carter barely had enough time to lock the door to the small
Bathroom before he began to vomit violently in the toilet.
When he first met Dr. Litvak, he had felt a little uneasy
around the man. Now he knew why. Just now, out in the
corridor in front of people, the new Chief of Emergency made
a blatant pass at him. This was just too much! He had been
unable to get Anna interested in a relationship, but Dan
Litvak, who didn't even know him, wanted him. "Oh, God,
give me strength", he prayed as dry heaves wracked his body.
Was he somehow sending out a signal to Litvak that he was
available? Had he sunk so low that he was willing to settle
for a man if he couldn't have the woman he loved? Once,
there had been a time when he would have laughed at questions
like that. A time when he knew his own mind. It was a time
that was getting more and more difficult to remember. He was
so tired. So weary of facing each day. If only he could get
a good night's sleep, maybe things wouldn't seem so depressing.
But, he knew that was an impossible goal. He just couldn't
sleep in that Jeep. Unless he took something. Something
strong enough that the smallest noises wouldn't awaken him. He
tried to think of any medications that would fit that requirement,
but none came to mind. Lucy Knight would know though. She had
that little computer gadget and she could look it up for him.
He would ask her for a few suggestions. That decision made, he
got up, washed out his mouth and went to see if she was still
in the lounge.

Kerry and Lucy sat on opposite sides of the table, each one
Silently working. When Lucy had sighed for the third time in
a row, Kerry decided to find out why. "Is there something wrong?" 

"Not really. Dr. Carter wanted me to read over these charts.
But most of them aren't finished and those that are, well, his
notes aren't very clear."

Kerry smiled, "Doctors aren't known for having neat handwriting."

"It's not his handwriting. I can read what he's written. I
just don't understand what he wrote."

"Let me see."

Lucy handed the chart to Kerry and watched anxiously as she read
through the notes.

"You're right. This doesn't make sense. Dr. Carter didn't have
any problems with this patient, did he?" 

"No. It was a very simple case involving an allergic reaction to
shellfish."

"I see. It's very obvious that he knew what he was doing when he
ordered tests and meds."

"It's his later notes on the case that seem confused."

"Yes. Lucy, since you can still recall what happened, why don't
you re-word the notes?"

"Is that okay? Won't Dr. Carter get in trouble if I do that?"

"Not if I order you to do it and I am."

"Yes, Dr. Weaver."

Kerry returned the chart to her, then attempted to work on her
own report. It was very obvious that either she or Mark would
have to sit down with Carter and have a talk with him.

"Lucy, I'm glad you're still here", John said as he entered
the lounge.

"I'm almost done here", she informed him.

"Done?"

"You wanted me to read over the charts you left in here", she said.

"Oh, right. Good. Do you have your little computer with you?"

"Always."

"I have a patient with severe insomnia. She really needs a
good night's sleep, but she's complaining that any noise in
the night will awaken her. What type of meds does your
computer come up with?"

"You don't want me to tell you?"

"You can look it up this time, Luce", he smiled at her,
hoping to reassure her. He hoped that Dr. Weaver didn't
start asking him questions about his "patient" though.

"Excuse me, I have to get back to work", Kerry said as she
got to her feet.

"Thank you for your help, Dr. Weaver."

"No problem, Lucy" Kerry left the room and went straight
to the patient board. There was no mention of insomnia at all.

"Is Dr. Carter presently treating a patient?", she asked Randi.  

"Not that I know about. The only cases in here are pedes, and
Dr. Ross and Jeannie are handling those."

"I see that. I just didn't know if there were any patients
leftover from before the multi-vehicle accident."

"Nope."

Kerry wished that Mark would hurry up and get back from the
run he was on with the paramedics. Now, more than ever, she
wanted his advice and support. If John Carter didn't have
an insomniac patient, then that could mean he wanted drugs for
himself. Well, there was one way to prevent that from happening.
She was just going to have to stay with him and keep him busy
until his shift was over.

Doug approached the desk and deposited his completed chart.

"Anything else for me?", he asked Randi.  

"Nope. Jeannie's handling the other case."

"Then I think it's time for lunch. Any idea where Carter is
hanging out? I wanted to treat him to Doc Magoo's."

"He's in the lounge", Kerry replied.

"Not for long. You don't mind if I take him away do you, Kerry?"

"No. As a matter of fact, I think he could use a good lunch.
Besides, Maggie Doyle's coming on in a few minutes, so we won't
be too short staffed around here."

"I guess that Mark is still out?"

"Yeah. And it will be a cold day in Hell before Litvak
ever volunteers to work down here."

"You don't like him very much, do you?", Doug grinned.

"No one does.", Randi replied for her. "He's an obnoxious asshole."

"I don't think I could have said it better myself, Randi."

"Well, I hate to say this, because so far, I've gotten along
well with him, but I agree with both of you regarding his
personality. Maybe he'll tire easily of us and run away."

"We can always hope for that, can't we?", Kerry said.

"Well, I had better grab Carter and get out of here while we
can. Can I bring you ladies something?"

"Nothing for me. I'll just grab something from the cafeteria,
but thank you for asking."

Doug nodded at Kerry. She had been a little nicer since she
didn't get the promotion. Doug was hoping the personality
change was permanent. "What about you, Randi?"

"I brought my lunch, thanks anyway."

Doug went into the lounge to hang his lab coat in his locker.
"I'm going over to Doc Magoo's for lunch. Carter, why don't you
join me?"  

"Thanks, but..."

Doug cut him off, "My treat."

"I'll still pass. I'll just get something from the cafeteria
later."

"Dr. Carter, it's really quiet right now. You should go and
get something while you can. That's what you always tell
me", Lucy said.

"Your student is correct, Carter. Besides, a change of scenery
will do you good. I heard that you were here extra early this
morning."

"I have a patient waiting."

"Weaver can see to your patient."

"No! No, that wouldn't be right. I'll take care of her and
then join you over there."

"I'll be waiting. Don't take too long."

"I won't."

"Lucy, can we bring you back something?"

"I have lunch. Thank you for offering."

"No problem. Just make sure that your boss gets over there", he
grinned.

"I'll try", she smiled back.

"Thanks for your help, Lucy. I'll go finish up right now." Carter
and Doug left the room.

"Have a good lunch!", Kerry called to them.

"Carter has to finish up with a patient, so he'll meet me over
there. Page me if you need me."

"I always do", Randi answered.

"Carter, I can finish up with your patient", Kerry offered.

"That's not necessary. All I have to do is write out a
prescription for her. It won't take long."

"I imagine not", she said. Especially since there is no
patient, she thought. She sighed as she watched him head
for the exam area.

"Rough morning, Dr. Weaver?"

"Very rough, Randi. And I have a feeling the afternoon will
be even worse."

Kerry headed for the drug room. Inventory was not her concern,
But she wanted to see what was on hand. She should have stayed
in the lounge to hear what medications Lucy's computer came up
with, then she would have some idea of what to check. She didn't
think that he'd stoop to write out a fraudulent prescription to
himself. It would be more likely that he would attempt to steal
what he wanted. Never in a million years would she have thought
him capable of such an act, but he had not been acting like
himself lately and she didn't know anymore what to expect from
him. Therefore, she wasn't too shocked when he came into the
room minutes after she had.

"Dr. Weaver!" He was very surprised to see her there.

"Dr. Carter. Do you need something from in here?"

"No." He had not expected to run into her. What was he going
to do now? Lie some more, he told himself, that's all you can
do. "I was just looking for you to let you know I was leaving
for lunch."

"Have a good one, Carter." She forced a smile.

"Thanks.", he finally managed to smile, then he left.

"Mark, I need you back here now", Kerry closed her eyes. She
didn't know John Carter on a friendly basis, just as a
professional colleague, but that was enough to make her very
upset and worried about what was going on with him lately.
She couldn't sit back and allow him to ruin his life, no matter
how depressed and withdrawn he was getting. If that meant
soliciting the cooperation of the entire E. R. staff, then so
be it. She would go that far if she had to. He was too good
a doctor and too fine a person for her to allow him to
jeopardize his career and his health by stealing drugs.

When Carter joined Doug at Magoo's, he found that Doug had
already ordered for him.

"I figured that if I ordered for you then we'd get back to
the old grind faster. Burger, fries and a shake sound okay
to you?"

Carter shrugged, he was feeling a little hungry, but nothing
sounded appealing to him. "What kind of shake?"

"Well, I ordered two, a chocolate and a vanilla. I like both,
so I figured that I'd give you first choice." Doug suddenly
frowned, "You don't prefer strawberry, do you?"

"Chocolate is fine with me. Thanks."

"Don't mention it, Carter. To tell you the truth, you're
beginning to look like something the cat dragged in."

"Don't beat around the bush, Dr. Ross. Why don't you go
ahead and tell me what you think about how I look?"

Doug grinned, "Well, it's true, Carter. You look like hell."

"I feel like it, too."

"You're not coming down with something are you? It is flu
season."

"I had my flu shot already. I'm not sick."

The waitress delivered their food. "Enjoy", she said as she
laid the bill on the table.

"Hmm! This smells great! Carol won't let me eat anything
with this much fat."

Doug had ordered himself a bacon cheeseburger and a large
order of fries. He had ordered a plain cheeseburger for
Carter, as he wasn't exactly sure what he liked. "Dig in!"

Carter smiled weakly at him, then looked down at his food.
It does smell good, he thought, as he lifted it up and took a bite.

"What a surprise to find the two of you here! Mind if I join you?"

Carter stopped mid-chew as Dan Litvak stopped at their booth.

"No, please sit down. I'll get the waitress", Doug waved the
waitress over as Litvak sat down next to Carter.

"D'you need a menu?", she asked.

"No. I'll have a B.L.T., toasted, no mayo, and a large iced tea."  

"Got it", she sauntered off.

"I take it that everything is quiet in the E. R.?"

"For right now", Doug replied, "But that changes fast. I
know that you've done trauma work before, but you might find
it interesting to pull a shift or two. You know, get to know
the staff a little better."

"That's not a bad idea. I'll give that some serious consideration.
What do you think, Dr. Carter?", Litvak turned his head to look
at him.

Carter realized that the bite he had taken was still in his
mouth. He quickly chewed, then swallowed. It tasted like
sawdust. "Uh, you should get to know all your staff, Dr. Litvak."

"I think it could be quite enjoyable to work side by side."

Carter felt like a trapped animal as Litvak's thigh pressed
against his. When Litvak had sat down, Carter had moved as far
over as he could and now he was out of running room.

"Well, hopefully you'll stay around for a while", Doug commented.
"In the past five years, you're the third Chief we've had.
Of course, Morgenstern had been around for some time, but
then he left and Swift took over."  

"Wild Willy Swift. I know him by reputation. How long did he
last?", Litvak asked.

"About a year. Then we got Morgenstern back. Now we have you."

"You forgot about Dr. Weaver. She was filling in after
Morgenstern left", Carter said.

"I try to forget about Kerry Weaver as often as I can,
Carter", Doug grinned.

"You and Dr. Weaver don't get along well, do you, Dr.
Ross?", Litvak asked.

"Nope."

"Did you have this problem when you were med students together?"

"Aha, I see you've done your homework!", Doug grinned. Out
of the entire staff, he was the one who liked Litvak the best.
"We were simply at the same hospital at the same time. We
didn't actually work together. But, even then, she was
ambitious and eager to do things strictly by the book."

"I understand that you don't like following the rules." Litvak
leaned back in his seat as the waitress placed his lunch in
front of him.

Doug laughed, "No. I don't. I believe in doing what's right
for the patient. Not what's right for the bottom line."

"So, Dr. Carter, what made you decide to leave surgery?", Litvak
turned his attention back to Carter.

"Lots of different reasons", Carter softly replied. He kept
hoping that he would get paged, then praying that Doug wouldn't!
Every time he tried to move his leg, Litvak would press his up
against it again. Then again, what if he was just imagining
things? If he said something and was wrong, then he would only
end up offending his boss.

"Even though Carter was a surgical med student, we saw quite
a lot of him before he made the switch. His teacher was Dr.
Benton, and Benton was rotating as a trauma surgeon at the time."  

"I've heard good things about Peter Benton. I'll bet he was
an excellent teacher", Litvak said to Carter.

"He was. I learned a lot from him. You know, I just remembered
something that I need to check on back at the hospital. Dr.
Ross, thanks for lunch."

"You barely ate anything. I'm sure that you can take the
time to eat."

"No, I really have to go. Some important labs are waiting.
Excuse me."

He waited for Litvak to stand so he could get out. Litvak did,
but he didn't leave Carter much room to get out. Carter knew
he had done that on purpose, because as he slid out and up from
the bench seat, Litvak's hand managed to brush across his rear
end. It was definitely time to get out of there.

"Thanks again, Dr. Ross."

"I'll have the waitress wrap this up for you and bring it
back with me."

"Okay. Bye."

"Good-bye, Carter", Doug said, a little worried that Carter
hadn't eaten more than one bite.

"I'll see you later, Dr. Carter", Litvak smiled up at him.

Carter couldn't even force himself to smile politely at the man.
He just simply walked out of there.

"He seems to be a nice young man", Litvak said.

"Carter? Yeah, he is. He's got a heart of gold that's for sure."

"A lot of people speak well of him."

"I bet that someday he'll be a chief of staff at some big
hospital."

"I don't know. He might be too nice for a job like that."

They both concentrated on eating for a minute. "So, I know
that you're engaged to Nurse Hathaway, and that Greene is a
divorced father of one. Weaver's never been married. What
about Carter? Is he involved with someone?", Litvak inquired.

"Well, he was seeing Roxanne, a really cute blonde. But, I
haven't heard him mention her in the past couple of days."

"Any roommates?"  

"Quite a few actually. Carter's a Resident Advisor and lives
in one of the dorms. Why would you ask?"

"I'm just trying to get to know my staff, that's all."

"Well, I think you're making a good start", Doug replied.  

"Thank you. I think the two of us will work well together,
Dr. Ross."

"I hope so, Dr. Litvak, but I won't lose any sleep if we don't."

Carter didn't feel like playing Twenty Questions by coming back
from lunch so quickly and without Doug Ross, so he went in the
front entrance to the hospital and up to the roof. At least up
there, he could let his mind go blank and not have to think about
anything. Especially about what had just happened in Magoo's.
He leaned on the railing, looking out over the city. Surely, if
Dan Litvak had really been coming on to him, Dr. Ross would have
noticed? Was all of this just his imagination? He shivered, as
much from the idea of what was going on as from the cold breeze.
The clouds were heavy with rain and the temperature was still
dropping. It was a little too early for snow, but if the
temperature dropped enough, they might get sleet. He hated the
idea of sleeping in his Jeep under those conditions. He was too
proud to go to his parents house and too suspicious to go to
his grandparents. What if they were in on the "spying" scheme?
No, he would not allow himself to be humiliated any more. Or
force himself to listen to his grandfather's lectures and
nagging regarding his career choice. He loved being a doctor.
His grandmother had finally realized that, but he doubted that
his grandfather would ever understand. He wasn't even sure that
his parents really understood. When he had told them he wanted
to go to medical school, they had pushed for him to be a surgeon
for two reasons: it was the most challenging, and surgeons made
good money. Becoming a doctor had never been about money. It
had been about wanting to help people feel better. To heal them.
 

"Physician heal thyself", he bitterly laughed. "How can I heal
others when I can't help myself right now? I don't even want
to be around other people!", he shouted up at the clouds. "Why
won't this pain go away? Please God, if you're really up there,
why? Why have I been betrayed? Why am I unloved? Tell me why!"

He pushed away from the railing and began to pace on the roof,
"Please help me. I can't go on living like this. I don't want
to feel this way! Why are you doing this to me?", he shouted to
the clouds. "I know that I'm a bad person. I'm guilty of
ignoring my best friend to the point where he felt dying was
better than having me for a friend. I'm guilty of making the
decisions that turned Chase into a vegetable. I admit all
that. I am guilty! Do you hear me, God? Guilty as charged!
But, haven't I tried to make up for all that? I let go of my
trust fund, I let the woman I love walk away. Now I've lost
my job. Isn't that enough for you?"
 

He sank to his knees, "Look at me, God. I'm begging you, if you
are real, please stop this pain. Keep Dan Litvak away from me.
And if I really am going crazy and imagining things where he's
concerned, then help me. But please, please keep him away. I
just can't deal with him right now. I can't deal with anyone
right now." Head hung low, he waited for an answer from God, not
that he really expected one. He had prayed to God before and he
had yet to receive an answer. When he was a child, he had prayed
for God to take away his brother's pain and to heal Bobby. Instead,
Bobby had died. When his parents had sent him and his sister to
boarding school, he had prayed for God to make his parents want
them around. But, they never brought them home. They only saw
them on holidays and for a week or two each summer at the family
retreat on Martha's Vineyard. He had pleaded with God, promised to
be a good person and to obey his parents. None of that mattered.
Bobby still died and his parents still pushed him and Barbara away.
If there was a God, then he didn't listen to him then and he didn't
appear to be listening to him now. At least one thing in his life
was remaining unchanged. He jerked as cold raindrops began to pelt
him. Was this supposed to be some kind of an answer? He was too
tired to try to figure out if this rain had meaning. Was God
washing his sins away, or was he crying over him because he was
a lost cause? Or was it merely a frontal system passing through?

His eyes strayed to the edge of the roof. Oh, how easy it would
be to just walk over there, climb the railing and then let his body
fall away. There would be no more heartache, no more confusion, no
more pain, and most of all, no more betrayal. An image entered his
head, a memory really, of a patient who had jumped from a different
section of the hospital roof. It had been Thanksgiving, several
years ago. A cross dresser had been in a car accident and Benton
left him to stitch the man's wounds. The man was having a rough
time dealing with his life and family. He had tried to kill himself,
hence the car accident. John remembered how he had been unable to
bring any comfort to the man, not that he had really tried. Later,
he heard there was a jumper up top. He rushed to the roof. The head
psychiatrist for the hospital was up there, but he wasn't able
to get the man to step away from the edge. John tried, but he
ended up watching the man step off the ledge to his death. What
was his name? He had a name. Why couldn't he remember his name?
That had been his first failure as a doctor. There had been so
many since then. Funny, he couldn't remember most of their names.
He could see their faces so clearly. Some of them trusting, some
of them bloody. All of them dead now. His failures. He was a
failure as a doctor, as a son, as a human being. He had never
dumped a girlfriend, instead he was always the one dumped. Harper
left him. Abby left him. Anna never gave him a chance. Roxanne
had used him. Even that doctor groupie had left him to go after
another doctor. He couldn't remember her name either. He shook
his head, laughing at his own frailties. All of these important
people and he couldn't remember their names. What did they think
of him now? He suspected that they thought he was scum, if they
thought of him at all.

Doug and Litvak ran through the doors of the ER.  

"Man, I am soaked!", Doug laughed as he did his best dog
imitation as he shook and flailed, scattering water droplets
everywhere.  

"I'm glad I have a change of clothes upstairs. It'll take
me about ten minutes to change and then I'll be back down to
hang out", Litvak said.

"Great. Hey, anyone got a towel?", Doug asked.

"You know where they are, Dr. Ross!", Lydia told him.

"I was hoping that someone would be nice enough to bring me one!
I tell you, I get no respect around here."

"You get what you deserve, Doug.", Kerry looked up from the
chart she was finishing and regarded them both with cold eyes.  

Doug chose to ignore her remark. "I have the rest of Carter's
lunch. Where is he?"

"He's with you", she evenly replied.

"No. He was with us. He headed back here about twenty minutes
ago", Doug saw the worried look on Kerry's face and he began to
worry as well, "He's not here, is he?"  

"I never saw him come back. Randi?" 

The desk clerk looked up from the crossword puzzle she was
doing, "I didn't see him come back."

"Maybe he went straight to the lab. He did say he was waiting
on some lab results", Litvak said.

"Yeah, that's probably what he did.", Doug agreed.

Kerry shook her head, "At the time he left, he had no
patients at all on the board."

They could hear the wail of siren growing closer. "Look sharp
people! We've got something coming in", Kerry shouted.

"No one radioed anything in", Randi commented.

"We'll hang around until we know if you need us.", Doug offered.

 "Thanks. Maggie Doyle is on now, so we're not so down in
manpower. Still, since we have no idea what this is about, we
just might need every doctor we can get!" She rushed off to
meet the incoming ambulance.

"She likes to be in control, doesn't she?", Litvak asked.

"Always." The two followed behind her, curious as to what
awaited them.

It had been Mark and the paramedics he had been riding with.
They had encountered a gang shoot-out with a lot of serious
injuries. Surgeons had been paged, the trauma rooms were
utilized and within forty minutes, the E.R. was empty once
more. Mark apologized for not contacting them by radio, but
the biophone had been the first casualty of the gunfire.
Doug and Litvak went their separate ways to get into some
dryer clothes.

"So,", Mark said as he looked at the board, "I take it that
it's been quiet around here."

"Very quiet. Which is a good thing since we're now missing a
doctor", Kerry told him.

"Who?"

"Carter. We need to talk." She headed into the lounge and
Mark followed her, frowning.

"What's happened?"

"I have no idea what's going on in his head, Mark. He went
to Lucy Knight with some story about having a patient suffering
from insomnia and could Lucy and her computer come up with a
med that would help her get a good night's sleep."

"Sounds like a smart idea to me."

 "Yeah, except at the time, Carter didn't have a patient at all,
let alone one with insomnia. I checked the board. Then I went
to the drug room to see what we had in there and who should come in?"  

"Carter."  

"Right. He lied and told me that he was looking for me to
let me know he was going to lunch. John Carter does not lie
very well."  

"I've noticed that about him. So, where is he now?"

 "I have no idea. He went to Doc Magoo's to meet Doug Ross
for lunch. Doug had just gotten back when you pulled up.
He told me that Carter had left twenty minutes earlier with
some story about having some labs to check on. That was
also a lie." She wondered if she should mention her suspicions
about Dan Litvak to Mark. She must have pondered that
question for too long because Mark picked up that there was
something else bothering her.

"You're upset about something besides the fact that Carter
didn't come back from lunch."

"I don't know if I should say anything."

"When has that ever stopped you?", Mark smiled slightly to
let her know he wasn't being malicious with that comment.

She nodded, "Earlier, before lunch, Dr. Litvak came down
here. Mark, he was making advances toward Carter."

"Are you sure Carter wasn't imagining it?"

Kerry nodded, "Carter never mentioned it. I saw it though
and Randi thinks so, too. She saw everything I did. When
Doug came back from lunch, Dan Litvak was with him. The three
of them had been at Magoo's at the same time."
"There's no crime in that, Kerry."

 "No, there isn't. Unless he was after Carter again. Mark,
if Carter wanted meds for himself for whatever reason, then
it's obvious that he just isn't thinking clearly right now.
Add having your boss make a pass at you, and there's just no
telling what his mental and emotional state is right now."

"Kerry, I know that you don't like Dan Litvak..."

"It's not that, Mark! Ask Randi! She noticed it before I did!"

"Whoa, calm down! I believe you! But, I seriously doubt
that Litvak would pull something in Magoo's."

"He didn't hesitate to come on to Carter in front of the admit
desk, Mark!"

Not having an answer to that, Mark wisely kept silent on that
topic. "Maybe Carter snuck back in and went to get some sleep."  

Kerry thought that over, then nodded, "It's possible. I'll go
check all the rooms."

"I'll help."

They exited the lounge and began their searches. Ten minutes
later they met back at the admit desk.

"Any luck?", Kerry asked.

Mark shook his head. Where had Carter gone off to? It wasn't
like Carter to leave and not say anything to someone.

"Well, there does seem to be one place where everyone likes to
go", Kerry said.

"The roof?", he asked.

She nodded.

"Kerry, it's pouring outside. If he did go up there when he
left Magoo's, then he wouldn't be up there now."

"I think we should check."

"I'll check. You had better stay here."

"Fine."

Mark borrowed Randi's umbrella and walked to the elevators.
Doug was walking from the other direction and he grinned at Mark.

"Hey, buddy!"

"Doug, want to take a ride with me?"

"To where?"

"The roof."

"I hate to break the news to you, Mark, but it's still raining
hard outside. Going to the roof is not a good idea."

"I told Kerry I would check out the roof to see if Carter went
up there."

"He's not around down here then?", Doug was immediately worried.

"No." The elevator doors opened and once the car was empty, Mark
stepped in, "You with me?"

"Sure." Doug got in and pressed the button for the top floor.

Mark remembered what Kerry had told him about Litvak and he
said, "I understand that you ran into Dan Litvak at lunch."

"He ran into us."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. It was a little strange though."

"What was?"

"Carter actually seemed to be hungry until Dan sat down with us."

"Were you at the counter?"

"We had a booth."

"Did he sit by Carter?"

"Yeah", Doug warily looked at his old friend. "Just what are
you getting at, Mark?"

"Kerry seems to have this idea that Dan Litvak is interested
in Carter."

They stopped at the third floor and two nurses got on. After
they exited at the fifth floor, Doug said, "He was asking me a
lot of questions about Carter. But, he was also asking a lot
of questions about the entire E.R. staff."

"Did Carter seem uncomfortable?"

"Carter's been acting uncomfortable for a few days now."

They finally reached the top floor and they headed for the
stairwell that would take them to the roof. The wind ripped
the door out of Mark's grasp and it slammed against the building.
Rain pelted them and the umbrella was next to useless. A lone
figure was huddled against the railing at the edge of the roof.

 "Is he out of his mind?", Doug asked.

 "Most likely, Doug", Mark headed out to Carter, Doug at his side.

 "Carter?", Mark crouched down by Carter and gently touched his
shoulder. "John, talk to me."

After a moment, Carter turned his head to look at him, his
brown eyes wide, "I tried to jump. I really did. I guess
that's another thing that I can't do right."

Mark and Doug exchanged worried glances over that comment.

"Come on, we need to get you in out of the rain."

"No. Just leave me alone."

"The Hell we will", Doug said as he bent over, grabbed Carter
around the waist and put him over his shoulder. Then he carried
him into the stairwell. Mark pulled the door closed, then tried
to wipe the water off his glasses, "I think you can put him
down now."

"He's cold as ice, Mark. We need a blanket."

Mark nodded, then ran down the stairs. Doug gently lowered
Carter to the floor and propped him against the wall. He began
to briskly rub Carter's hands, trying to bring back some feeling
to them. Carter sat still, not hindering him, but not helping
him either. Now that he was out of the elements, his body began
to shake from the cold. Even his teeth were chattering by the
time Mark returned with towels and blankets, appropriated from
an empty room. They wrapped Carter in the blankets, then
attempted to dry his hair and face.

"Let's get him downstairs", Mark said.

"I'm all for that. He's light enough for me to carry."

That comment brought the young man to his senses, "No! I'll
walk with you!"

"If you're sure", Doug said.

Carter nodded. Doug and Mark helped him get to his feet. Carter
was still a little shaky, but he was able to walk. Flanked by the
two older men, Carter headed down the steps and the nearest
elevator. When they emerged in the ER, Doug went to get some
dry scrubs for Carter to change into while Mark led him to an
empty room.

Kerry was immediately there, Lydia at her side, "Carter, you're
completely drenched!"

"I'm sorry, Dr. Weaver."

"I don't need your apologies!" She could see that he was still
shivering. "Get out of those wet clothes. Lydia, get a warming
blanket in here."

"Right away."

Kerry turned her attention back to Carter, "Well?", she asked.

"Well what?", he replied.

"Are you going to take off your clothes or are we going to
have to do it for you?"

"Uh, Kerry, I think that maybe you should leave the room",
Mark suggested.

"Oh, for crying out loud", Kerry stomped out, passing Doug
who had scrubs in hand.

"Dry clothing!", he announced.

"Great. Close the door."

"Dr. Greene, I appreciate all your help, but I would prefer
it if you and Dr. Ross would leave the room."

"Okay. We'll be just outside the door. Call us when you're
changed", Mark said.

"I will."

They stepped out into the hallway. Doug looked around, but didn't
see Kerry or anyone else. "Are we going to tell Kerry what he
said up there?"

"About trying to jump?"

Doug nodded.

"I don't know. He only said that he tried to, not that he was
thinking of doing it again."

Again, Doug nodded, "I know. But, he did try, so suicide is
something that's on his mind."

"Maybe I should call and get someone from psych down here."

"It might not be a bad idea, pal."

"I'm changed now", Carter called out.

They went back into the room. Carter's wet clothing was in a
pile on the floor so Doug picked it up and shoved it in a
plastic bag.

"Into bed with you. You need to get warm", Mark ordered.

"I'm not sick. Just cold."

"I never said you were sick, Carter. Get in the bed."

"I have a warming blanket for Dr. Carter", Lydia came in as
Carter was getting into bed. She quickly took care of getting
the blanket into place. "Do you need me for anything else?",
she asked.

"No. Thanks, Lydia."

"No problem." She left them alone.

Doug sat down, waiting to see how Mark was going to handle
the situation. Mark looked at Carter, noticing how extra
pale his face was against the bleached white pillowcase. He
looked more like a scared little boy then he did a doctor.

"John, I want you to talk to someone from psych."

"Why?", Carter looked genuinely puzzled by the request.

"John, I'm worried about your state of mind right now. We
all are."

"Just because I was on the roof during a rain storm?"

"That's a part of it, buddy.", Doug said, "There's also
the fact that while you were on that roof, you seriously
thought about killing yourself."

Carter looked away from them. He couldn't deny that statement.
He had been stupid enough to admit it to them. There was a
knock on the door and Kerry stuck her head in.

"Can I come in now?"

"Sure", Carter said.

The looks on Mark and Doug's faces said otherwise, but Kerry
came into the room anyway. "Are you feeling any better?"

"I'm getting warmer."

She nodded, "So, would you like to tell me now why you didn't
come back to work after lunch?"

He slowly shook his head, "Not really."

"Too bad. I want an explanation and I want it now. This is
your shift, Dr. Carter. If a trauma would have come in, we
would have been in trouble without you here. We needed you."

Doug frowned, was Kerry actually trying to boost Carter's self-
esteem? The Kerry Weaver he knew would have been upset that
Carter had not been there to help with the trauma cases that
did come in.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have an answer for you."

"Kerry, may I speak with you for a moment?", Mark asked.  

"Sure."  

Carter leaned back against the pillow as his two supervisors
went to the corner to talk. He knew that Mark was filling her
in on what he had said. He didn't like the way that Mark and
Doug were looking at him - as if he was some fragile thing that
was going to break at any minute. He didn't want Kerry Weaver
looking at him that way, either.

Kerry approached the bed, "Carter, we know that you were fired
from your job as a Resident Advisor. We know that you are
having some type of problem with your family right now. Now,
the way I see it, you have a choice here. You can let us call
and get you an appointment to speak to one of the staff
psychiatrists, or Mark will call one down here to do an
evaluation on you and we'll have admit you."

"I can't afford to see a psychiatrist."

"Money isn't an issue here, Carter. The issue is your mental
health. You are a good doctor and I don't want to loose you.
Obviously, you are having problems dealing with things right
now. That can happen to anyone. What you need to do now is
be willing to allow someone to help you get past the rough spots."

Carter closed his eyes, not sure what to make of her insistence.
The logical part of his mind knew that she was making sense,
but the rest of him just wanted to be left alone. Finally,
the logical side won. "Fine. You can make the appointment."

Kerry smiled and clasped his hand, "I was hoping you would say
that. Doug? Would you mind calling and taking care of this?"

"Sure. When is a good time for an appointment?"

"As soon as possible."

"Got it." Doug left and went to the lounge to call upstairs.

"There is one more thing, Carter", Mark said. "We want to know
where you've been living."