The Man Who Held Her Heart, Part 8
By Cathy Roberts
huntersglenn@yahoo.com
A John Carter story, rated PG15

Last episode seen was "Family Matters", although
this is an Alternate Universe story. It contains no
spoilers for Season Six.

"ER" and all its characters belong to Warner Bros. No
infringement of their copyright is intended. This story
was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and
may be downloaded for your own pleasure. However this story
may not be used, distributed or archived without the
permission of the author.

I would like to take the opportunity to send a big thank you
to Melissa who edits my ramblings, and to Amanda, who
encouraged me to write a sequel to this story.



The next morning Anna was up early enough to call in to work to
ask for the day off, which she got without a complaint from Mark.
Then she called John's mother and let her know that she would be
staying with him all day. Laura promised to come by around lunch
and told her that she would let Millicent know that Anna was going
to take care of the nursing duties for the day. She reminded
Anna that Dawes would be coming by to take John to his physical
therapy session and Anna told her that she would make sure that
John was ready to go when Dawes got there.

After checking to make sure that John was still asleep, Anna
rushed into the bathroom for a quick shower. Then she went in
to wake John up, knowing that it would take some time to get
him ready for the day and there was no way she could start
breakfast and take care of him at the same time.

John felt a gentle touch against his cheek and heard an amused
voice telling him it was time to get up. He opened his eyes
and smiled up at Anna.

"Good morning," he said.

"Good morning," she replied with a smile.

He glanced at the clock, then frowned. "Aren't you late for
work?"

She shook her head. "Nope. I have the day off. Dawes will
be here at the usual time to take you to your physical therapy
appointment, and your mother will be stopping by at lunch to
see you. Other than that, it's just me and you, all day."

He grinned. "I can live with that."

"Good. Now, help me get you out of bed."

With his help, Anna was able to get John into the wheelchair
and into the bathroom. As usual, she left him alone to tend
to his most personal needs, then wheeled him out when he
called to tell her he was finished. They had breakfast together
and then she laid out clothes for him so he could change while
she cleaned up the kitchen.

By the time Dawes arrived, John was ready and the three of
them left to go to the physical therapist's office. When John
began to yawn on the way home, Anna pulled him close and let
him rest his head on her shoulder. She knew he was worn out
by his session and didn't mind being his pillow if he should
fall asleep. She couldn't help but notice that Dawes managed
to take a very scenic and long route back to the apartment,
which gave John even more time to rest.

Once home, Dawes took John into the bathroom so he could get
a bath. Anna took that time to prepare something for lunch, a
task made difficult by the fact that she had no idea if Laura
was going to be there by herself or if anyone else was coming
with her. Anna also had no idea what the woman might like, so
she decided to prepare something that she knew John would like.
If his mother didn't happen to like it, well, that was just
too bad. It would serve the woman right for inviting herself
over for lunch in the first place.

"I can stay here if you need my assistance," Dawes spoke from
the doorway.

Anna turned to face him, wiping her hands on a dish towel.
"Thanks, but I think that John and I can manage fine for the
rest of the day."

"Then I'll be on my way. He's in his room. If he's not asleep
by now, then he will be soon. The physical therapy sessions
are hard on him, and he's forced to give in and take the pain
medication that was prescribed. It always makes him sleepy."

"He hates having to take any kind of drug," Anna commented,
thinking that a lot of that had to do with Chase's heroin
addiction.

"And it's a good thing, too. I've heard of people who turn
to drugs for far less reasons than he has."

Anna looked at him, puzzled by his comment. Was he referring
to the accident and John's physical pain or to something else?
Did the man know that John had suffered some type of abuse at
the hands of his father?

"I think you're right."

Dawes nodded. "I'll be going now."

"Dawes, thank you for all of your help. I know that John
appreciates it."

Dawes smiled. "He tells me that often enough. I've known
Master John his entire life, Doctor Del Amico. It's not a
hardship for me to take care of him."

"Well, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be thanked."

"You're most welcome. I'll see you later."

"I hope so." Anna saw him to the door, then locked it behind
him and went to check on John. As Dawes had predicted, John
was sound asleep. Anna gently caressed his cheek, thinking
how young he looked while asleep. And so innocent. She sighed,
then went back to her lunch preparations.

John didn't end up sleeping long and he and Anna were in the
middle of a game of Monopoly when the doorbell rang. Anna was
surprised to see that it was noon.

"That must be your mother."

"Do you want me to get it?" he asked, a hint of smile playing
around his mouth.

"I don't know if your mom can wait out in the hall for as long
as it will take for you to roll yourself over there." Anna went
to the door and opened it wide. Then she wished she hadn't.
Laura Carter had not come alone. She had come with Barbara,
Millicent, Robert...and Roland.

"Hello," she lamely said.

Laura smiled. "Hello. I didn't know if you would have
enough food for lunch, so we brought some sandwiches with us."
Laura handed the bag to Anna as she walked past her and into
the apartment, going straight to John to give him a hug.

"You look well today," she said.

"I feel pretty good. Hey, Barbara. Dad."

"I'll help you get lunch on the table," Barbara offered.

The two women went into the kitchen, but Anna couldn't keep
from looking out to the living room to make sure that John
was all right. While Laura had not been able to tell it, Anna
had seen that John was tense. And all because his father had
come by. The one person in his family that Anna had wanted to
keep away from John today.

"Is something wrong?"

Anna took her eyes from the doorway and tried to smile
reassuringly at Barbara. "No. Everything's okay."

Barbara looked toward the living room. "John's always a little
tense when he and Dad first get together. He never really
knows what to expect from Dad or how to act around him. He's
so scared that he'll disappoint him."

"And you aren't?"

Barbara shook her head. "No. I made up my mind a long time
ago to live my life so it suited me. I never have understood
why John feels that he needs to prove himself to Dad. And
Grandfather, too." She shrugged. "It's never mattered that
much to me. Not the way it matters to him. I had hoped that
losing his trust fund would end up freeing him from the need
for their approval, but I don't think that's happened yet."

"Your grandmother thought that John could be bought. She was
wrong." Anna had never been so proud of John as she had been
when she found out that he had given up his trust fund in
order to keep Carol's clinic open. Oh, his grandmother hadn't
been blatant about the blackmail, but it was no coincidence
that she had stopped the check for the clinic only to write out
a new one after John told her to keep his trust fund.

"Grandmother isn't all that upset that she was wrong. She was
quite pleased that John defied her. I know that she likes to
keep a tight rein on the family, but she likes it that John
is independent and determined to remain that way. I guess
it provides a challenge for her."

Or it's a sign to her that he's getting past his pain, Anna
thought.

They set the last of the food out on the table, then Anna
let everyone know that lunch was ready.

John cleared his throat. "If you don't mind, I think I'll
pass on lunch. I'm still tired from the physical therapy and
not very hungry."

"I most certainly mind," Roland said as he got to his feet.
"Anna went to a great deal of trouble to prepare this lunch
and it's rude of you to run away to your bedroom. Your mother
was considerate enough to bring extra food, so there has to be
something there that you can eat."

"I said I was tired. My doctor told me to get a lot of rest."

Roland sneered. "I'm sure he did; and you don't hesitate to
take advantage of that, do you? You should be pushing yourself
harder so that you can be on your feet soon. Do you think that
we have nothing better to do than to baby-sit you?"

"I never asked you to come here, Dad. You made it quite clear
that you didn't want the responsibility of taking care of me,
so I made other arrangements. I'm sorry if you don't like
those arrangements, but they don't have anything to do with
you and aren't really any of your business," John snapped back.
Then his eyes widened as he realized that he had just talked
back to his father.

"How dare you speak to me like that?" Roland said, taking a
step toward John.

"Roland, let it go. John's tired and probably doesn't realize
that he's being disrespectful," Robert waved his hand toward
the table, "we should all eat lunch now." He watched as
Roland turned away from John and approached the table. "And
that includes you, John."

"If John's tired, then he should go rest. It's not as if he
can't eat something later," Anna said. She immediately felt
herself under the scrutiny of the rest of the Carter's and she
wondered if they would all turn against her now. So what if
they do? Someone needed to take care of John, make sure that
he healed physically...and emotionally. If she had to take on
the entire Carter clan, then so be it. She had never backed
down from a fight before and she wasn't going to start now. And
with growing up the only girl in a large family, she was used
to fighting.

"Anna's right, Robert. Why don't you help him?" Millicent
suggested.

"I'll take care of it." Roland walked back to John and
silently rolled him down the hall to his bedroom.

"Lunch looks lovely dear," Millicent said to Anna as she took
her seat. "I see that you made John's favorite."

"Thank you." Anna started to sit down, but changed her mind.
She wanted to make sure that John was all right first. "Excuse
me."

Anna paused in the doorway of John's room, aghast that Roland
would dare to strike John in his own apartment. But, he
obviously had no reservations about doing it -- the red mark
on John's cheek was testament to that. Seeing that, coupled
with the scared look in John's eyes was all it took to push
Anna's anger to the boiling point. She grabbed Roland by the
arm and propelled him toward the door.

"Get out," she growled through clenched teeth. "And don't
you ever come back here again."

She then turned her attention to John. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Anna. You can't throw Dad out."

"I most certainly can and I just did. If that bastard knows
what's good for him then he won't be in that living room when
we come out of here."

Since John was still in his wheelchair, Anna pushed him back
into the living room.

"I believe that I told you to leave. You can either walk out
that door under your own power or I can call the police and
have them escort you out of here and to jail. It's your choice,
Mr. Carter."

"Roland, what's going on here?" Laura asked as she got up from
the table. Then she saw the red hand print on John's cheek.
"What happened? Did you slap John?"

"He had no right speaking to me the way he did. He's my son
and I have the right to discipline him the way I see fit. As
for you," he turned his attention to Anna. "I don't know who
you think you are, but you will not speak to me in that manner."

"I know exactly who I am, Mr. Carter. I'm Anna Del Amico, and
I live here. I will not allow you to strike anyone in here,
most especially John. God knows you've done enough damage to
him over the years."

"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Roland demanded to know.

"I overheard the conversation you had with John right before
he was discharged from the hospital. You told him that you
wished he had died and that you wouldn't allow him to stay at
your house. There was more, but I don't think you really want
your family hearing everything you had to say, now do you?"

"You said that to John?" Laura asked, obviously confused. "But,
you told me that John turned you down when you offered to bring
him out to the house."

When Roland didn't answer her, Laura walked over to her son.
"John? I want the truth. Did your father ask you to come
stay with us?"

John looked from his mother to his father, then down at the
floor. After a moment, he slowly shook his head.

Laura turned back to her husband. "Why would you lie to me
about that?"

"I lied because I'm tired of the things he'll do in order to
get attention. Although, I do admit that I was shocked to see
that he would go so far as to risk his own life in order to
bring us here."

"John risked his life to save a child, Mr. Carter," Anna
interrupted. "He didn't do it to get your, or anyone else's,
attention."

"I think that I know my son better than you do. Even when
his brother was dying, John was jealous because Bobby was the
center of attention. If we didn't praise him when he did
something good, then he would do something bad. As long as
it got our attention, he didn't care. He even managed to
"slip" and break his arm weeks before Bobby died, and he basked
in the attention that gave him."

"Roland Carter, you know that's not true. John was never
jealous of Bobby. They adored each other," Laura said.

"Oh really? Then can you explain why it was that John didn't
even cry one tear when Bobby died? He didn't cry at the house
and he didn't cry at the funeral. He was glad to have Bobby gone."

"That's a lie. I never wanted Bobby to die. I didn't cry at
the funeral because Bobby told me that I couldn't cry. He
said that we had to be strong for you and Dad and that the
two of you were doing enough crying for the whole family,"
John told Laura.

"I think that we should go now. I'm sure that Ms. Del Amico
has heard more than she cares to about the family," Robert said.

"Mr. Carter, the only thing I haven't heard that I really want
to is whether Laura knew that Roland was abusing John." Anna
turned to a stunned Laura. "Did you just turn your back on
what was going on or did you just simply never see what was
happening in front of your face?"

"I don't understand what you're trying to say, Anna. It sounds
as if you're accusing Roland of child abuse."

"That's exactly what I'm doing, Mrs. Carter."

"That's absurd," Roland scoffed. "I think that John's been
telling you lies."

"John hasn't told me a damn thing, Mr. Carter. Except to tell
me that I have no right to judge you. But, I hear him when he
has nightmares about you and I'm not so besotted by your money
or social standing that I don't see how he reacts whenever
you're around. He's scared of you."

Laura knelt down by John's wheelchair and looked up into his
eyes. "Is this true? Is Anna telling the truth? Did Roland
hit you when you were younger?"

"Laura, this really isn't the time or place to go into this,"
Robert said. "This is family business and shouldn't be
discussed in front of a stranger."

"Anna isn't a stranger, grandfather," Barbara said. Her mind
was reeling over what she had heard. Was it possible that
her Dad had hit John, hurt him?

John looked up, past his mother, and locked eyes with his
grandfather. "I thought that you were going to stop him back
when my arm was broken. They told you that Dad did it, but
you didn't believe them. I had wanted you to believe them,
why didn't you?"

Laura looked even more confused as she looked from her son to
her father-in-law, to her husband and then back to her son.
"Are you saying that Roland broke your arm? That you didn't
slip and fall in Bobby's hospital room?"

"Laura, you know that John..."

"Shut up, Roland. I want to hear what John has to say," Laura
took his good hand in hers and gently squeezed it. "I want
the truth, John. Please tell me what happened."

"Dad was angry because I went to see Bobby. He tried to pull
me out of the room, but I grabbed the bed rail and held on.
That made him even angrier and he grabbed my other arm and
twisted it until it broke, telling me that he hoped I had
learned my lesson. Then he called for the nurse."

"So, the story you told me about the stupid doctor accusing
you of abusing John wasn't just a story? It was the truth,"
Laura said to Roland. Then she looked at Robert. "And you
defended him."

"Yes. I did. I came to regret that later."

Laura's eyes grew distant as she tried to remember all that
was going on while Bobby was ill and then after his death.
"So many little things. John's broken hand while I was in
New York with Bobby. You did that, didn't you?" she got to
her feet and glared at Roland.

Roland held her gaze, but didn't answer. Laura continued.
"John was always the quieter of the two boys, but after that
he became even more subdued." She looked over at Robert.
"And your stubborn insistence that John and Barbara be sent
away to boarding school, that was because of this, wasn't it?
God, that was months after Bobby died."

"I found myself faced with the fact that my son was the
monster that the doctor had accused him of being. I had two
choices then -- I could turn Roland over to the authorities
and risk having John and Barbara placed into foster care
until we could be named their guardians; or I could put as
much distance between Roland and John as I possibly could."

"Oh, yes, father. You certainly showed your support that
day. Screaming at me about how I was raising my children,
making horrible accusations and threats. Laying down your
"rules" for my life. Put my children in boarding school
and then only see them three times a year, and each time
under your supervision."

"We were shipped off to boarding school because of what Dad
did to John?" Barbara asked her grandmother.

"I'm sorry, Barb. I know you hated it there. It was all my
fault. If I would have obeyed grandfather that day and come
inside when he told me to, then he would have never known.
And by then, it wasn't so bad. Dad didn't hit me as much as
he had when Bobby was alive, and he only hit me when I
deserved it," John tearfully told her. "I'm sorry that
I made you unhappy."

Barbara grabbed her coat and purse and rushed out the door,
slamming it behind her. John hung his head, his heart
breaking over the fact that his sister now hated him. The
tears stung his face at first, then felt soothing on his skin.

Laura walked over to the couch and sat down, resting her head
in her hands. How could she have been so blind as to what had
been happening under her own roof? Sure, she had been concerned
over Bobby's condition, but had she really been that
indifferent to her other children? How could John have been
hurt by his father and she not notice? His father. She couldn't
even bear to look at Roland right now. This was the man she
had given her heart to so many years ago. The man she had
borne children with. Never, during their courtship or marriage,
had she ever had any inkling that he was a violent man. She
had simply put down the tension between him and John as the
normal relationship woes between a stubborn man and his
headstrong son. Although, she did have to admit that there
were times when Roland was unduly tough or derisive to John.
And she had looked the other way those times. She sat there,
wondering where things had gone wrong and barely heard it
as Anna tried to reassure John that none of it had ever been
his fault. That was a slap in the face to her as well. She
should be the one telling him that. She raised her head and
looked around the room. Roland still stood impassive, as if
he expected to be believed after all that had just been
revealed. Millicent and Robert at least had the grace to
look guilty for never telling her what Roland had done. What
he was capable of doing. And John? Her son was falling
apart, ignoring Anna's reassurances.

Laura walked over to John. "Look at me, John." He looked up
at her and it broke her heart to see the depth of the sadness
in his eyes. "You were never at fault. There is nothing,
absolutely nothing, that a child could ever do that would
excuse what your father did to you. Do you understand me?"

"But, it's my fault that Barbara was sent away..."

"I'm sure that your grandfather wanted her someplace safe
because he had no way of knowing if your father was beating
her as well. It was not your fault, John. You were the
victim. You still are. The only person responsible for what
happened to you is that man standing over there." She wasn't
even sure if she could say his name any more. Wasn't sure
that she wanted to.

"Barbara blames me," John softly said, his voice so low that
Anna barely heard him.

"No, she doesn't. She slammed out of here because she had
just found out something terrible about her father. She's
not angry with you, John."

"Anna's right. Barbara would never be angry with you," Laura
added, "she loves you so much."

"Well, if everyone is quite finished with their attempts to
smear my reputation, can we go? I have a business to run."

Laura glared at him. "You can go whenever and wherever you
like, Roland. Just don't expect me to be there with you."

"So that's it then? You're going to reject me over something
this trivial?"

"I hardly call beating your own flesh and blood "trivial",
Roland. And I haven't yet decided if I'm rejecting you. I
can't even begin to think about that until I know that my son
is all right."

Anna wanted to cheer for Laura then. It was nice to see that
at least one person in his family really did care about him.
Even it was years in coming.

"Well, I won't wait around forever while you decide. I'll be
at the office if you should want to reach me." And with that,
he put on his coat and left.

Roland's departure reduced the tension in the room by a good
bit. But, John was still upset, as was Laura. Anna managed
to convince John to take a nap and Robert helped her get him
into bed. When they returned to the living room, Millicent
and Laura were seated on the couch, talking quietly.

"Anna, I'm sorry about lunch. I don't think that anyone has
much of an appetite right now," Laura said.

"Don't worry about it. It can be reheated. How are you
holding up?"

"I don't really know. I was numb when Bobby died, and this
doesn't feel the same way, but I really can't tell you how I
feel. There are so many different thoughts going through my
mind right now."

"That's only natural, dear. I felt the same way when I saw
what Roland had done to John. I never thought that a mother
could hate her own child, but at that moment, I hated Roland.
May God forgive me for that. But, despite my strong feelings
for him then, I couldn't bring myself to strike him. Isn't
that odd?"

Anna shook her head. "No, Mrs. Carter, what was odd was how
easily it was for Roland to hit John."

"And how easily John places the blame upon himself," Laura
added.

"Actually, that's not so unusual. Children who have been
abused often blame themselves, thinking that if they would
have behaved better or been a better person, then it wouldn't
have happened. I think they hear that phrase "you made me
do this", so often that they come to believe it. And then
there's the unconditional love. A child who is being beaten
by a parent doesn't hate that parent. They still love them
and become even more determined to do whatever they can to win
their love."

"Lord knows that John has tried that," Robert said.

"Yes, he has. I think that Doctor Anspaugh was thinking of
asking John to see a psychiatrist because of the nature of his
accident and the long recovery he's still facing. John was
already depressed over Chase and other things before the
accident, so his injuries have only made that worse. Now
that he's openly admitted that his father beat him, he really
needs to see a professional."

"But, isn't admitting the abuse a big help?" Millicent asked.

"Yes, but he'll never believe us when we tell him that he's
not at fault. He needs to talk to someone he doesn't know.
Someone who can't judge him or his father. The opinion of a
third party will carry more weight with John than our opinions."

"I don't know that I like the idea of having our family
problems aired in public, but I see no alternative. Maybe I
was wrong to give Roland a choice back then. Perhaps things
would have turned out better if I would have turned him over
to the authorities."

"Mr. Carter, you can't go back and undo what's been done, and
there's really no sense in playing the "what if" game. What's
done is done. What's important now is how the present is
handled. I want John to get better, emotionally and physically.
He's going to need a lot of love and support...from all of us."

Millicent nodded. "You are quite right, my dear. Quite
right."

"And so will his father."

They all looked at her and for a moment Anna wondered if she
had sprouted wings.

"I don't believe that Roland Carter has always been a violent
man. I think that John has it right when he says that Bobby's
illness put a lot of strain on his father. Roland needs help."

"Roland took himself out of my sphere of influence a long
time ago. I have no leverage with him and I seriously doubt
if we can talk him into seeing a psychiatrist." Robert shook
his head.

"There's no statue of limitations on child abuse, Mr. Carter.
Charges can be filed against him. Of course, I believe that
John would have to be the one to file charges, but Roland
doesn't have to know that, right?"

"Anna Del Amico, you are a most devious woman. No. Roland
doesn't have to know that. He might find that out eventually,
but at first he won't know. If you will all excuse me, I
think I'll go and pay him a visit at his office."

Robert kissed his wife goodbye, then left.

"Now, if only Barbara would come back," Laura said. Despite
her reassurances to John that Barbara didn't hate him, she
wasn't exactly sure that she had been right. And she didn't
want to find out in front of John.


End of Part 8