Understanding
Part Ten - Sam and Maddy
By Cimerene
cimerene@gci.net

**********Several evenings later upon County’s hospital roof********** 

John first noticed that Dave was also on the roof when he opened the door. Dave was lying back in an abandoned lawn chair.  It was a warm night, for that John was grateful. Dave looked up from his contemplation of the stars long enough to see John standing by him.  John leaned casually against the side of the building. Both were silent. 

John was the first one to break the silence. “Nice night isn’t it?”

Dave smiled slightly. “Yeah.”

John was silent for a few more moments. It had been a long night so far. He tried to think up something to say. Out of the blue he asked. “So, how long have you been seeing Samantha?”

At first Dave thought John was going to do a (I’m going to protect my cousin routine,) when he realized that John seemed to really want to know. “For a few months now.” He wasn’t sure if he should follow up on that statement or not.

“Have you met Madison yet?” John asked him, before silently looking up at the stars himself. 

Dave was quiet for a moment or two. “Yea, she’s a good kid.”

“Why so quiet tonight, afraid I’m going to interfere between you two? Or did the two of you have a fight?” John asked him suddenly. 

Dave took a quick look at John to check his reactions. “Well, we fought but we didn’t.”

“Uh oh. She pulled the silent guilt trip routine on you?” John replied laughing slightly, well aware of how his cousin fought. 

“Actually, no. She lost her job yesterday, and she’s behind in her rent. I offered her a place to stay if things got rough. But she said that she didn’t want to confuse Madison. That’s when the fight started.” Dave managed to look both irritated and worried at the same time.

“Oh man, that’s not good. Hmm” John was quiet for a few more moments. Samantha had the Carter pride, and as usual it could get people in the most awkward situations sometimes. “I’ll talk to her and see what’s going on inside her head.” John replied, by now worried slightly. “Maybe I can get through to her.”  

They were both quiet for a few more moments. Dave decided that if he could be grilled then he could do some grilling of his own. “When’s the chief due back?”  

John smiled slightly. “Tomorrow, she’s a little past bored at home.”

“I thought she wasn’t scheduled to come back for another week or two?” Dave said worried that Dr. Weaver might be pushing herself harder than usual. 

John smiled again. He knew Kerry. “She said that even if she couldn’t due traumas, that at least she could get some paperwork done for a change.”

Dave smiled at that. He didn’t know what John saw in Kerry. He liked her and she had always seemed fair to him, but as someone to date? Not in a million years!

They were both startled by the simultaneous beeping of their pagers. “C’mon we have work to do.” John said as they both silently hurried away.

***********Several days later at Samantha’s apartment***********

Samantha was having a horrible week.  First she had a fight with her boss. Fight was an understatement. The last thing she needed was to be told that if she wanted to keep her job, she should “keep” him sweet. OK, she thought to herself. Kneeing him in a certain place was probably not the nicest way of keeping him sweet, but it had sure felt good at the time. 

Which lead to her apartment. She wasn’t sure what she and Madison were going to do. She had lived paycheck to paycheck for so long. She was a month short on rent at the moment. She hated being late with her rent. She sighed. Sometimes the Carter name was more of a nuisance than it was worth. Everyone assumed you had loads of money. Or that you were a useless social-lite. She laughed ironically to herself. That act she played so well it was scary. Years of pretending to be the perfect Barbie doll to those who knew the Carter name had given her a wonderful reputation. She sighed again. What an irony, if she had half the money people said she did would she be living here? 

Samantha knew that the smart thing to do would be to grab her remaining things and move in with Dave for a while. But then as everyone in her family told her all the time. She wasn’t always so bright at doing the smart thing. She was trying so hard to make a go of things. She just needed to figure out what to do first. She heard a sound from the other room, and got up to check on Madison. She was relieved to find her little girl still sound asleep. Still cuddled up on her bed, wrapped in her favorite Star Wars Quilt. She looked so peaceful, so innocent. Her daughter would have a different home life than she had, had she vowed to herself. Her mother had disowned her when she told her she was expecting Madison. A proper daughter would never have had a child out of wedlock. That fact still hurt, but she had Madison. She was truly worth all the pain and suffering she sometimes had to go through. 

Madison’s father never paid child support, so it wasn’t like she was expecting him to suddenly come to their rescue. Hell she thought ruthlessly. He had never even seen his little girl. Edwards had disowned her even before he met her. She could still remember his exact words when she had told him she was expecting Madison. Like she was ever going to do “that” to a child of hers. As much as she regretted the fact that Madison had no father figure in life, she was grateful that she would never know what a total looser her biological father had turned out to be. She sighed again, her stress level rising. 

For the umpteenth time that week she set herself down and got her bills out. If only she had followed through on that accounting course in college she thought. But she had been so sure that photography was the career for her. 

She knew what people thought of her. The words selfish, vain, and silly came to mind. All her life she had vainly strived to keep up the perfect Barbie image. But somewhere down the line, she had failed miserably. Dave was one of the few people who saw through to the real me she thought. She was starting to care for him too much. He was so nice to her. He was even nicer to Madison. Not fake like some guys. The ones who pretended to like your child to get to you. Those types she hated. But Dave, he was different. 
She sorta regretted her impulse buy of the red silk dress. But you don’t find them too often at the Salvation Army, and red was her color. Who was she kidding? She had wanted to look good; she had wanted Dave to be stunned when he saw her. Her vanity had struck again. She sighed. Next time she hoped that Vanity would take a vacation, that way she’d have more money for rent. 

When things got to serious in a relationship, she usually broke it off. As suddenly as possible, it wasn’t wise to get so serious so fast She didn’t want her little girl to get the wrong impression. She also didn’t want another Edward in her life.  

Samantha took to pacing around the apartment. Her eyes lit as it always did when she was broke, on the jewelry box she kept on the shelf in her living room. She took out the string of pearls her grandmother had given her when she turned 16. One of the last few good memories she had from her childhood. She so wanted to give them to Madison when she got older. She could sell them, she thought. It might just give her enough money to pay the rent for a while. Maybe even enough left over for food.  She sighed again, who was she kidding. She put the pearls away again. 

Madison’s pearls would never be sold. She wouldn’t part with the one dream she had left for her little girl. She would get the money somehow. She sighed. As soon as Madison woke up they would go down to the corner store and buy a new paper.  Surely there would have something for her in it.  Something that would give her enough left over for childcare and maybe groceries this time. 

Quit stalling she told herself. Time to go back to figuring out what to pay and what not to she thought. Pulling her tablet closer to her she got to work.

********** Kerry*********

John met Kerry outside the hospital. For a change they were both on the same shift. Both had finished work at the same time.  John was carrying his briefcase and Kerry had her arms full of reports that she evidently intended to work on that evening. All of which she was juggling awkwardly along with her cast and her crutch. 
John watched her for a few moments his eyes lighting up at the sight of her. “Let me help”, he said. Then proceeded to grab the papers she was carrying. She gave in gratefully. Just this once she thought independence can go right out the door. “Home first or are you stopping by the dealership?” Kerry said mentioning his eternal search for a new vehicle. So far they had seen everything under the sun from small Volkswagens (which seemed way pricier than the first time they came out) to Pickup trucks. So far John hadn’t made up his mind, and his search was rapidly reaching ludicrous proportions. Kerry was pretty sure he would end up buying another Jeep, but with everyone from Deb to Jerry to Chuni giving him ideas on the “perfect” vehicle she was no longer certain enough to bet on it.

“Neither,” John replied, “I thought we could visit Penny, then if we have time the dealership.” He grinned at her. “Unless you’re going to get jealous again.” he grinned mischievously.

“Unless you’re going to get jealous again, then I guess we could just go home.” Kerry looked sheepish for a moment. “Thank you for bringing that up. I wasn’t jealous I was .. just ..  um .. curious and you took it wrong.” She pretended to stalk off in indignation, which was easier said than done using a crutch.

John just laughed at her. “Uh huh” he put his arm around her waist, giving her a quick squeeze. She was beautiful to him. 

“Everything ok with her?” Kerry said in her matter a fact tone of voice. Changing the subject deliberately and hoping he wouldn’t notice.

“I’m not sure. Dave said some things the other night, and I wanted to check them out.” John’s voice was slightly concerned.  He did notice that she had changed the subject away from her jealousy, and was slightly amused by it.

“Like?” Kerry asked him, her jealousy gone but her curiosity remained.

“I’ll tell you on the way, unless you want me to drop you off first?” John asked her. They were still using her car, while he was continued his search for the right vehicle. Insurance would pay, though he just knew his rates would go up again. He wasn’t sure what type of vehicle to buy, the problem was he loved Jeeps, they didn’t seem to love him.

“No, I can get these reports done anytime.”  Kerry replied. “Lets go.”

**********A little bit later*********

“Are you sure this is the right neighborhood?” Kerry asked John. The streets they were driving through were getting worse and worse by the moment.

“I think so. I haven’t been to her apartment before,” John replied, he was getting more and more worried. 

As broke as he had been before, evidently he had been luckier than his cousin. It wasn’t so much the graffiti filled streets, or the trash that seemed to multiply as he passed it, or even the general air of unkeptness. But the whole thing started to give John a picture he would rather not have had.

Samantha was always teasing him about being in Europe or Italy, or even France. It had gotten to be a huge joke for them. Now he was wondering why he hadn’t tried to see her more often, obviously he should have tried more. He had disliked Madison’s father so much, they had gotten into the habit of doing lunches away from her apartment.  He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen an apartment of hers. His habit of ignoring his family when they didn’t do what he expected or wanted looked like it was about to bite him squarely in the…

“Are sure this is where she lives?” Kerry asked again, interrupting his train of thought. Somehow this neighborhood was the direct opposite of how she had thought that “penny” lived. “Somehow I thought.” She kept quiet on what she was actually thinking.

John answered her statement with “Yah, I know so did I.” We can always assume we know someone. We presume they always live in good neighborhoods, and have decent jobs.  

He was as guilty as everyone else. He wasn’t sure why Penny wasn’t using her trust fund. He had always assumed she lived on it, same as most of his cousins. He knew that things were strained between her and her mother, but he had assumed. That was the problem he thought he always assumed too much, as he finally located the building and knocked on the door.

***************Samantha***********

Samantha heard the doorbell ring, and mentally contemplated opening it. She was sure it would be her landlord. She had no clue what to say to him. She looked around at her house. She hated this place. From the old chipped furniture that had taken her so long to buy. To the used appliances her landlord so “kindly” allocated her, the old stove that smoked and the refrigerator that had more ice in the fridge than in the freezer.

Madison wandered into the living room. Samantha’s heart melted. Her daughter was just waking up from a nap. She looked adorable. Red lines were creased on the side of her face. Looks like she fell asleep on her Lego’s again Samantha thought. The brown curls she had inherited from her father slightly matted. Her hazel eyes so pretty in her small face, still in the process of waking up.

“Mommy, can I answer the door this time?  Please?” she said. Her little face watching her mom, sure this time she would get the yes answer she wanted. 

“I’ll get it sweet-potato. Why don’t you put your Lego’s away instead?” She replied as she went for the door. Madison instead just stood there. Who wanted to put away Lego’s when they were going to get a visitor. She thought indignantly. Samantha opened the door and stood still for a few moments. “John!   Kerry!!  How did you guy’s find out where I’m living.” she paused for a few seconds. 

She wanted to hide; the last thing she ever wanted was for her cousin to find out where she lived. It was bad enough that Dave knew. She had always tried so hard to keep where she was living from her family. Now what do I do? She thought to herself.  “Come in, I’m sorry I’m leaving you out here in the hallway.“ she said in shock.

Kerry noticed the look of embarrassment on Penny’s/Samantha’s face. She was wearing an old pair of jeans and a red sweatshirt, both were clean, both had the look of other days. She still looked just as pretty as she had the other night. Kerry could see what Dave saw in her  She also looked extremely uncomfortable. Kerry desperately tried to salvage the situation.   “Hello.” This time her greeting was much nicer than the one from the other evening.

“What brings you guys over?” Samantha asked curiously.

John started to answer when Madison rushed up to John for a hug. “Hi, Uncle John, did you come to see me? Mommy’s friend Dave gave me a new kitty. Did you want to see her? She’s all white but has a brown spot on her chin I named her Summer!  Do you want to see her?” Her childish enthusiasm evident in her voice. 

Then she looked at Kerry. “I’m Madison.” She looked at Kerry. “What’s that for?” she said indicating Kerry’s crutch. Kerry smiled slightly, the innocence of children she thought. “I use it to help me walk.” 

“Oh. Like the ones Uncle John had when he was sick. He had two sticks. He let me use them once. When we came to see him at the hospital. Then he quit using them.” She proceeded to give her Uncle John a dirty look. Evidently still mad that her beloved Uncle John would give up crutches to walk NORMALLY. Samantha looked down at her daughter. By now more embarrassed now then she had been when they had shown up at her door.

************Several days later **********

Kerry and John were putting Madison to bed. “Hey, I could move the small TV and VCR in here, and we could watch that new Muppet movie you have before you go to bed.” John offered to Madison.

“Nope! no can do.” Kerry replied. “Thanks for the offer, but Madison wants to hear the story of the three little pigs.”

John looked sheepish for a moment. “Ok. Then I get to listen too.” He lay down on the bed next to Madison and placed his hands under his head and closed his eyes. “Ok, I’m ready anytime you are.”

Madison looked from her Uncle John to Kerry then back again. She poked John in the ribs. “It’s my story. NOT YOURS!!” 
 
“AND just exactly makes this story so much more special than a normal story?” John asked, pretending to be irritated at her.  Madison just looked at him for a few moments, a look of childish disgust apparent in her eyes.

“We get to make up the characters as we go along!” she said in clear voice, as if John should have known that already.

“Oh, yes of course. John replied trying not to smile at her before commencing to tickle her senseless.

Kerry smiled slightly from her chair by the bed. “IF you two are quite ready?”

“YES” was her loud and energetic answer, definitely not the voice of a child who’s considering sleep seriously.

Kerry smiled at her. “Ok, once upon a time there were three little pigs. Their names were Madison, JOHN (at this John sleepily looked up and pretended to glare at Kerry) and Ralph. They were 18 and it was time for them to get a job and move out of the house.”

Madison looked at Kerry and interrupted mischievously, “What was the wolfs name?”  

“Hey are you skipping ahead in the story?” Kerry pretended to be angry with her. “We don’t skip ahead.”

Madison just laughed at her, her brown curls jiggling with her laughter. “Yes! ” her childish laughter filled the room. “What was his name?” 

John sleepily replied. “His name MIS-Interruption was Romano, now don’t interrupt anymore I want to hear MY story.”

To that both Kerry and Madison laughed. “Ok.  The three little pigs had turned 18 and were…”

***************John and Kerry**************

John was pouring a glass of milk for himself when Kerry arrived out of the bedroom. “Is she asleep?” John asked her quietly, while putting the milk back in the fridge.

Kerry walked over and put the kettle on the stove for a cup of tea. “Finally it took 3 stories and the first 5 chapters of the Enchanted Forest Chronicles to do it.” she grinned. Her voice was understandably hoarse at the moment.

John just grinned, “Sorry you offered to baby-sit?” he said laughingly at her.

Kerry just smiled a sad smile. “No, she’s a sweetheart.” She busied herself rooting around in the cupboards for the specialty tea bags she liked.

“So, you going to tell me what’s wrong? Are you angry that I brought them here?” John asked her.

Kerry smiled at him, a slow sad smile. “Upset? How could I be, I’m the one who told you to bring them here!” she said quietly. 

“Then, what’s wrong?” John asked again worry evident in his tone of voice. 

“You know, seeing Madison.” Kerry was quiet for a few more minutes. “Seeing Madison just brings back all the I can’t have.  Then I start feeling sorry for myself I hate it when I do that.” 

 She sighed and placed her undrank cup of tea in the sink. John walked up to her, and enveloped her in a large hug. What could he say? He thought of all the trite phrases that he could or should say. But they were all so inadequate to what they were both feeling. He held her tight trying to mentally tell her what he knew was impossible to say. Minutes passed.

Kerry held on to him tightly. Sometimes it felt so good to be loved she thought. Sometimes when the going got tough, all she wanted was to be held. All of her life she had been fiercely independent. But with John it was nice sometimes to herself to just let go she admitted to herself. Just to be quietly held, and to know that even if things didn’t go the way she had planned, she was still loved. 

“You know. You’ve never really said. She said quietly. “How do you feel about my not being able to have kids?” Sometimes she thought, even if you didn’t want the answer you still have to ask the question. 

John tried to figure out what the correct answer would be and gave up. There was no correct answer to this question. He answered her as honestly as he could. “Kids.   That’s a loaded question.” he replied. “I’ve always assumed I would have them.” 

He was quiet for a moment. “When you told me you couldn’t have kids, all I could think of is this.” he paused for a moment.  “The choice is either a world with you that is full and complete, or a world without you.” He paused for a moment before going on.  “I’ve already had the world without you and it’s dammed lonely.”

 
End of Part Ten

If you have comments or suggestions, email me at cimerene@gci.net