Remember
Part One
By Elena Ridgeway
spunkie_2003@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: I know I don't own the wonderful characters of ER. Because if I did, I'd be making millions of dollars and wouldn't have to grace the newsgroup with my presence. So don't sue me. I understand. I did create Carter's psychologist, and if ya really want to borrow her, just e-mail me.  I'm not stingy.

Comments can be posted here or sent to the e-mail address.

WARNING: This contains Carter angst. You don't like it, don't read it.

Oh yeah. Thanks to Tabby for reading it, even if she didn't edit it.



"Dr. Carter, I presume?" The figure on the bed turned towards her, a slight smile appearing on the pale face.

"Yeah. John Carter. You can call me John, but most just call me Carter." He offered his hand for shaking, and she took it. He gestured with his hand towards the chair which was in the corner of the room. "Can I get you a seat?" She nodded and returned his polite smile.

She studied his appearance as he walked across the room. He was thin, with a slight build. His issued pajamas seemed to hang on his frame, as if he had lost weight since first getting them. His eyes had circles under them that looked like they had been there quite some time.

"Excuse me, Dr....?"

"Barnes," she said, turning towards him. "Sarah Barnes."

"Can we just get this over with?  I have to pack."

"You don't get to leave until I give you clearance, Dr. Carter." She gave him a wide smile. He returned it.

"Right. Have a seat, ok?" He sat down on the bed as she sat in the chair. "So where do you want to start?" He was factual and to the point. She had a feeling she wasn't the first psychiatrist he'd talked to since his arrival at the Rehab Center, even though his doctor hadn't told her of any others.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Whatever you tell me to. I'm here to listen to you. If you don't start talking, I guess that I can't give you your clearance to return to Chicago. Am I right?"

He cringed slightly, knowing that to get what he wanted he'd have to undergo the thinly vailed torture session. "I didn't want to come here." He spoke softly, not quite meeting her eyes. "I.....um....didn't think I had a problem."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I'd seen addiction before, and I didn't think I fit the definition. It was for medicinal purposes. Not like Chase or anything."

A name. She knew that was a start. She'd get back to that later. No need for him to get defensive when she was just starting to get him worn down. "What is your definition of medicinal purposes?"

He chuckled slightly. "Um....to get through the day, I guess. I don't know what I thought at that time. It was a bad time."

"Why did you need them to get through the day?"

"The accident." He spoke as if he wasn't sure of the words.

"By accident you mean...?"

"You have to know by now. It's on my chart. My chart is in your hands."

"Tell me anyways."

He looked at her, his eyes conveying 20 million reasons not to. He bowed his head. "Do I have to?"

"You'll never move on if you can't look back and embrace what happened, Dr. Carter."

"It doesn't need embracing. I know what happened. I've talked about. All I've done is talk about it. I don't see the point of talking about it again." His voice was shaky but stern. "Please?"

"All right. I'll put it off until later. Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did," he quipped, seemingly glad to be off the subject.

"Who is Chase?" It was early to bring it up, but she needed a way to get him back on the subject of the accident, and this could be the answer. His eyes, which had been staring at his feet, suddenly turned straight towards her. The look of shock on his face told her that he definitely hadn't been expecting that. He sat up straight, and his eyes diverted once again as he cleared his throat.

"He's my cousin. He....uh.....had a problem. I tried to help him, but it didn't work."

"Problem?"

Dr. Carter hesitated. "A drug problem. Heroin, if I remember correctly."

"You said it didn't work. What happened?"

His eyes seemed to tear up, as he looked at her. "He overdosed. Anna and I had been trying to get him clean for a week or so. Been making progress too. He seemed like he wanted to get off of the stuff. He refused to go to rehab or anything I was proud of him. And then he came into the ER. I work in the ER, but you should know that by now. He'd been in respritory distress about twenty minutes or so. I resuscitated him, and he lived. If you call it that. He lives in a nursing home. Can't do a damn thing for himself."

"So you don't think his life is worth him living?"

"No." He looked back at his feet. "It's just sad."

"Is that why you agreed to come to rehab? So you didn't....."

"Hey hey hey!!!! Where are you going with this discussion? We're talking about my cousin." He became defensive in an instant. There was an underlying issue he didn't want to discuss. She had to find a way to get to it, whether he wanted to or not. Once again she tried a subject change.

"You said you and Anna, was it, tried to help your cousin. Is she your girlfriend?"

"No." His tone was bitter. "We were friends, a few years back. She helped me out with Chase, and we almost got romantic. Her old boyfriend ended up coming back, and, she....she left with him. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't handle it well."

"Didn't handle it well?"

"I, uh, grew a beard, kinda slummed it for awhile. I had to, I guess, but I was depressed. I really cared about her. Things were just one after another. Chase was gone, she was gone, I figured maybe if I repelled people, then they really couldn't leave." He snickered at himself, offering an apologetic smile.

"How was work?"

"How's the weather?" He asked, turning towards the window. I had hit the touchy subject.

"I suggest we talk about this, Dr. Carter."

"I don't have to say anything to you!"

"On the contrary Doctor. I don't feel comfortable with your release if we don't talk about this. The subject, whether you like it or not, needs to be addressed."

"I've talked about it. All I've done is talk about it. I don't see a point in talking about it again."

"I understood you the first time you said that. You talked about it in groups, with your doctor, with other patients. But you haven't talked about it with me. And I'm the one that counts," she said as gently as possible.

"What do you know anyways?" He said angrily. "You're acting like your like the be all and end all of this. Like you understand what I'm saying. You can't change what happened. You can't put yourself in my shoes. You can't understand what talking about it is like. You can't see how much it hurts. You want me to say everything again and again. Relive it again and again. Why? Why put me through this? You think it's going to make me feel better? Let's talk about it. I killed a person. Hell, I killed myself too." He had resorted to raking his fingers through his hair.

"I know I don't understand. You need to make me understand, so I can help you. I'm here to help you."

"No you're not. You're trying to rehabilitate me. That's why this is rehab," he said, gesturing out the window towards the facilites."

"Maybe yes, maybe no. Either way, you're going to talk about it before you leave. We were talking about Anna. You were upset that she left." he scoffed. "How was work, after that?"

He looked at her, as if his pleading eyes would stop her from questioning him. "Work was....work. I got a med student." His voice went soft. "I didn't want someone to deal with, but I didn't have much of a choice, really. She made me mad. She frustrated me."

"Did she have a name?"

"Lucy. Lucy Knight."

"Why did she frustrate you?"

He cleared his throat and looked down. "She lied about starting IV's. That sparked it, I guess. I thought she was great, and then she seemed so fake. She was always arguing with me. Like she knew more than I did. All we ever did was argue."

"About what?"

"Stupid stuff. Whatever we could argue about, we did. Somewhere along the way...."

"You....?"

"Kinda was attracted to her. Not really, but there was this guy she was seeing. This hot shot surgeon prick. He had dated one of my old girlfriends a while back. We always had a sort of rivalry. Anyways, we ended up making out. I wouldn't let it go any further, ya know? There were rules. We were arguing again that night. And the rest of the year. But that one moment or so, it was at peace." He laid down on the bed.

"So you never got along again?"

"Maybe every once in a while. But no. Not really."

"Why?"

"Do you think I'd be here if I knew?" He spat bitterly.

She knew she had to keep going. They were just getting started. "You mean you wouldn't be here if you had gotten along with Lucy?"

"Yeah." He sat up. "I mean...." 

She pressed her fingers to her lips to quiet him down. "Why?"

"Because." He said simply. "I don't want..."

"If you want to leave, we'll have to talk about it. I won't ask you again. I'll sign the order to keep you here." She smiled softly at him, to let him know she was on his side. "I promise, you'll feel better afterward. Getting there is the hardest part."

"It hurts," he said, his eyes tentatively meeting hers. "It's easier not to remember. I've forgotten it for so long."

"What happened with Lucy that day?" She folded her hands in her lap and put down the pencil and paper she held in her hands.