Who Am I
Part One
By Lisa Brown
ERDrLewis@aol.com

This is a Carter/Lucy story. Very much rated G. A 'Thanksgiving' story of sorts. Hope everyone who celebrated had a great one. Normal disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making money off of this, so everyone at Warner Bros. and their whole menagerie of people over there can just leave me alone. No season six spoilers. Although this takes place in the future, it doesn't give anything away from the new shows. The song throughout the story is called "Who I Am" by Faith Hill. :) Thanks so much to Michelle and EC for editing. Feedback always appreciated. Enjoy!

"Might scare me to death or chill my bones
Break my heart or warm my soul
But since I'm here and before I go
I'm gonna find out who I am"

November 2010

I didn't really think they'd do it. They'd always been threatening, but I didn't think they really would. I always thought they were trying to scare us. I was wrong.

"Hello, passengers. We will now begin our descent into New York City. Please fasten your seat belts and return your seat backs and the trays in front of you to their upright and locked position. Thank you once again for flying Delta flight number 888 from O'Hare to La Guardia Airport."

Kerry even said it herself -- "They're just trying to scare us into cutting down on the budget." No one saw it coming.

"Sir? May I take your trash?"

I looked at the flight attendant and handed her my plastic cup and paper napkin. She put them in a bag and cheerfully said, "Thank you, sir."

I was happy with my life the way it was. Before all of this. Before our lives were so ... disrupted.

I grabbed my bags off the circling carousel and tried to hail a cab. It took me a while, but I finally got one and told the driver where to go.

They gave us two months notice. I think it might have been better if we hadn't had that much notice. It just dragged the whole thing out.

"This the place?"

I nodded my head and paid the driver. Grabbing my three bags, I walked up the steps to the building. I took a piece of paper out of my pocket and tried to decipher my notes. Room 407. That's the room I was in. I took the elevator up to the fourth floor and fished out the key my mother had given me. I stepped off the elevator and walked to my room.

When I stepped in, I was amazed. Fully furnished. Mom had outdone herself this time. I looked around a bit. Two bedrooms, one bathroom. Kitchen, living room. I hadn't been this taken care of in a while. I saw a note sitting on the kitchen table. Mom wanted me to call her. She could wait. I looked around a bit and found the Yellow Pages. I was starving. I dared not eat the food on the plane. I found a Chinese place nearby and ordered take-out.

Virtually everyone was gone by the last week. They had moved on. Had to go start new jobs. Finally, they just paid us and shut us down a week early. Everyone had gone. Except for me. Except for Kerry. I would have to call her later, I promised.

Sometimes I ask myself why I care so much. Then I remember that it wasn't just a place I worked at, it was special. It was my home for sixteen years. It had a place in my heart, as did the people who worked there. Now that place is empty.

The doorbell rang and I grabbed my wallet to pay the delivery person. I took the food to the table and began to eat. The phone rang. It was Mom. We talked for a while as I finished my dinner. She told me more about the apartment. She had already told me plenty in Chicago. Then she had to get off the phone because she had another call. I was done with dinner anyway. I grabbed my fortune cooked and opened it. It read, "Things will get better soon." I sure hope so.

"Who I am
Doesn't matter anyway
Who I am
What I've seen along the way
Who I am
Changes a little every day
With a lot of truth and an open heart
I just won't have the chance
As long as I'm here and before I go
Just to find out who I am"

I don't really know what I'm doing here. Besides the fact that I can't stay in Chicago anymore for the sake of Grandfather bugging me to death to take Dad's place at work. Mom was nice enough to get me this place here. Kerry was nice enough to get me an interview at a small, private hospital here. If everyone's being so nice to me, why don't I feel good about being here?

I decided that it would be best to call Kerry now. I needed someone to talk to. I dialed her number.

"Hello?" said the voice on then other end of the phone.

"Hey, Kerry."

"Carter! Did you get in okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. How's everything back home?"

"Same old. Michael's still at work, but he told me to tell you hello. Sophie stayed home from school today with a cold."

"Well, tell her that I said to feel better."

"I'll tell when she wakes up. How's New York?"

"I don't like it."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"You're just being stubborn."

"I know."

"When is your interview? Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow afternoon. I miss you guys already."

"We miss you too. Sophie's asked about you at least ten times today. She really misses you. She's taking a nap in your old room."

I let out a small, quiet chuckle. "Tell her I miss her too when she wakes up. You can have her call when she wakes up."

"She'd like that. We have your number. She misses Laurel too. They haven't called yet."

"Well, they'll call soon. They're probably getting settled and everything. They probably just got to St. Louis yesterday."

"Try telling that to a four-year-old."

"You have a point. I better let you go."

"Well, alright. You better keep in touch now, you hear?"

"Yes, ma'am," I said, laughing. "Tell everyone hi."

"I will. Talk to you later."

I hung up the phone and decided to try and get some sleep. Maybe I'd feel better after that.

I set the groceries down on the floor so I could get inside the apartment. I walked in and set the food on the counter.

Da da-aa da da-da-da-da da da da-aa da da-da-da-da da da

I groaned. The neighbor's son was practicing the trumpet again. Third time this week. I hadn't even been here a week. It was actually the apartment below me, but the kid always seemed to practice right by the vent and the sound just travels up.

I checked the answering machine. Two messages. I pressed play.

"Hi John, it me Sophie. I miss you soooo much. Guess what we did in school today? I learned how to spell your name! J-O-H-N. Mommy says I have to go but call us. I miss you. Bye-bye."

I smiled. Sophie could always make my day better. I pressed the button to hear the next message.

"Hi Dr. Carter, this is Dr. O'Brien. We talked the other day about having you come to work here at Roosevelt Memorial. I think you would be a great asset to our Emergency Department staff. Call me back and we can discuss the fine print."

All right. Now I'm employed. Today is a good day. Too bad I can't celebrate with anyone.

I gathered up my laundry and went down to the third floor. Before going into the laundry room at the end of the hall, I stopped at apartment 307 and knocked on the door. I politely explained that the vent on their ceiling led to my room. The young woman who answered the door apologized and promised that she would change his practicing spot. I thanked her and went down to the laundry room.

I walked in and saw a blonde woman putting clothes in a dryer. She had her back turned to me. I walked over to a washer and put my clothes in. I had just finished putting quarters in the machine when the woman behind me asked, "You new here?"

I turned around. "Yeah, I just moved here from Chicago." I looked at the woman. She looked familiar, but I couldn't place her.

She looked at me quite oddly, and then said, "John Carter? Is that you?"

It finally came to me. "Lucy? Lucy Knight?"

She smiled and came up to give me a hug. "Hi! What are you doing here?"

"It's quite a long story, but they closed County."

"No! I can't believe it. Why?"

"Insufficient funding. Gosh, it's been ten years now, hasn't it?"

"More. I left for here when I graduated med. school. It's great so see you again," Lucy said.

Someone once said, "Women are like fine wines, they get better with time." Whoever said that knew what they were talking about.

"It's great to see you too. I just got here Monday and don't know a single soul in the whole city."

"You're kidding. So, why'd you come to New York?"

"My dad died a year ago, and my grandfather was just jumping at the fact that I was unemployed. He wanted me to take my dad's place. So, my mom suggested I move here. Kerry found me the job," I replied.

"I'm sorry about your dad. Kerry Weaver found you the job?"

"Yeah."

"How is she?"

"She got married a while ago. Five years ago. She and Michael have a daughter, Sophie. She's four."

"That's great. How much longer did you stay living at her place after I left?"

"Up until five days ago," I said.

"You're kidding."

"Yep, Kerry couldn't find the heart to kick me out, even after she got married. I said I'd leave, but she said it wasn't necessary."

"That was nice. So what's she doing now?" Lucy asked.

"She's working part-time teaching."

"How about everyone else? What ever happened to them?"

"Mark and Elizabeth got married about six years ago, they have a four year old too, Laurel. Laurel and Sophie were only born a week apart. They moved to St. Louis. That's where Rachel is. She's married now too. Elizabeth's working at a hospital somewhere over there, and Mark's setting up a practice. Let's see, Peter moved to Germany to be with Reese about eight years ago. He still sends me Christmas cards. Carol moved to Portland with Doug. I think that's really about everyone. Oh, Romano. Romano won the lottery last year and moved to Florida."

"You've got to be kidding. Really?" Lucy said in disbelief.

"Yeah. That's what caused all of this, kind of. Romano quit and they didn't have enough time to find a good substitute for him. The new Chief of Staff didn't really know what he was doing."

"That's so sad. County was a great place."

"Yeah," I said. "So, enough about me, what about you?"

"I have my own private practice. I worked at Roosevelt for a few years and then went into a private practice. I worked with a great woman, but she retired last year, so now it's all mine."

"Great," I said. "You used to work at Roosevelt? That's where I got my job."

The dryer bell rang and Lucy began to get her clothes out. "Really? It's a great place over there. I can't believe I ran into you."

"Me either." I was contemplating whether or not I should ask her to get together sometime when she asked herself.

"I know it's short notice ... but are you doing anything tonight?"

"No, I don't know anyone here, remember?" I said.

She laughed. "How about I take you out to dinner? We can get caught up and I'll give you the nickel tour around here."

"Sounds great."

"How about I pick you up at seven?"

"Okay. I'm in apartment 407."

"Wonderful. See you at seven then."

"I hold on to a simple faith
About the choices and the path I take
And through the good and the bad mistakes
I'm gonna find out, yeah"

Thank god for speakerphones.

"I'm glad you found someone to celebrate your good day with," Kerry said over the phone.

"Me too," I said, rummaging through the closet. "Okay, I'm wearing the khaki pants. Should I wear that blue shirt you like, or the white one?"

"Blue."

"I think the white one might look better."

"Carter? Calm down."

"I'm calm," I said.

"You're lying."

"Am not."

"Sophie wants to talk to you."

"Okay."

"Hi John!"

"Hi Sophie."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"When are you coming home?"

"I'm coming home in a little while for Thanksgiving."

"We made turkeys today in school! Are you bringing your friend?"

"My friend?" I asked as I put on my shoes.

"The one you're going to dinner with tonight."

Lucy. "I don't know. Maybe."

"Guess what?"

"What Sophie?"

"Laurel called me today!"

"Really? What did she say?"

"She misses me. She likes our preschool better than the other one. She said the kids were mean today."

"That's not good. Maybe she'll have a better day Monday. I better go, Sophie."

"Okay. Bye-bye, John."

"Bye, Sophie."

I hung up the phone and there was a knock on the door.

"Hi," I said as I opened the door. "Just let me get my coat."

"Okay. Nice shirt. The blue goes well with your eyes."

I just smiled.

The two of us were at an Italian restaurant talking about our failed relationships. I'm not quite sure how we got on the subject, but we did.

"So, that relationship went nowhere as always."

"I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one who had relationships who went nowhere," I said.

"John, are we cursed or something?"

"Nah. I hope not. Maybe we just haven't found the right people for us yet."

"Maybe," Lucy said, taking a sip of her wine.

Although, maybe we just have.

"Who I am
Doesn't matter anyway
Who I am
What I've lost along the way
Who I am
Changes a little every day
With a lot of truth and an open heart
I just won't have the chance
As long as I'm here and before I go
Just to find out who I am"

Things were going wonderful. We ate dinner, walked around for a while. Finally, we went back to her place. We were talking for a bit. I went to use her bathroom and when I got back, Lucy looked at me oddly.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"What?" I persisted.

"Nothing, Carter. Forget it."

"Just forget it? Tell me!"

She sighed. "It's just ... you're different. Different from when I left you."

"Different bad or different good?"

She looked away. "Just different, Carter."

"What's so different about me?"

"I don't know ... you just are. People change over ten years."

"So, you don't like the changed me?"

"I never said that!"

"But that's what you were implying, weren't you?"

"I never implied anything! I just said you were different."

"Maybe I am different! I don't know who I am anymore, Lucy."

There was a pause. "Maybe I should go," I said.

She turned to face the wall so she wouldn't be facing me. "Maybe you should."

"Maybe I will." I got my coat silently. "If you ever want to get to know the 'new' me, let me know," I said as I left.

"Did it ever really matter
In that big, forever plan
Who I am and what I'm here for, I don't know
Is it wrong to want an answer
Try and understand
Who I am"

"I'm sorry, Carter."

"It's not your fault, Kerry. I just wish I could come back to Chicago. There's nothing for me here," I said. I sighed. "What are you all doing today? Is Michael working today?"

"Nope. I think we're going to take Sophie to get a dress for Thanksgiving. You're still coming, right?"

"I wouldn't miss it."

"What are you doing today?"

"I'm going to talk to Dr. O'Brien about my job. That's not until the afternoon though. I don't know what I'll do this morning."

"Well, I hope you find something to do. Sophie can't wait for Thanksgiving. She keeps asking me how many more days."

"So, how many days do we have?" I said, laughing.

"Twelve. And promptly after she asks if that is a long time."

I smiled. "Well, I better let you go. Have fun."

"You too."

"Bye."

I decided that since I was in New York, I might as well make something of it. I got dressed and decided to go get presents for the three of them. So, I set out to the streets of New York.

I had quickly dropped off the things I had bought before going to my meeting with Dr. O'Brien. We set up a schedule, and I got to take off for Thanksgiving. I came home and checked my answering machine. One message. I pressed play.

"Um, hi Carter, it's Lucy, I'm really sorry about last night. Well, I guess you're not home, but I do want to get to know the 'new' you. Well, call me and maybe we can do something later or something. Bye."

Well. Fortune cookies are right.

"Who I am
Doesn't matter anyway
Who I am
What I've learned along the way
Who I am
Changes a little every day
With a lot of truth and an open heart
I just won't have the chance
As long as I'm here and before I go
Just to find out who I am"