Who Am I
Part Two - Lost As Can Be
By Lisa Brown
ERDrLewis@aol.com

This is the sequel to "Who I Am." Very much rated G. The whole series can be found at http://www.dreamwater.com/divette. Normal disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making money off of this, so everyone at Warner Bros. and their whole menagerie of people over there can just leave me alone. Another disclaimer, my knowledge of New York City isn't much, it's limited to Central Manhattan, so if I get something wrong don't freak out. Also, the Build-A-Bear place isn't mine either. I only know about it because I was informed by my cousin's kids this is what they wanted this year. Although I have no clue if they're found in New York ... No season six spoilers. Although this takes place in the future, it doesn't give anything away from the new shows. The song throughout is called "Then You Look At Me" by Celine Dion. Feedback always appreciated. Enjoy!

Laugh and cry, live and die
Life is a dream we are dreaming
Day by day I find my way
Look for the soul and the meaning

"Bye, Dr. C! Have a great shift!" Laura Bradstreet called out as she exited the emergency room.

"Goodbye, Laura," I called back. Laura was a third year med. student. She worked hard and always wanted to learn. She reminded me a lot of Lucy back when she was my med. student. But, my professional personality doesn't clash as much with Laura.

I was settling into my new attending position at Roosevelt nicely. I had been there a month and everything was great. In fact, people were talking about me having a huge chance at becoming chief of the ER when the current one, Dr. George Samuel, leaves in February.

Frankly, that position scares me. I was chief of the ER at County for two years back when, but I had Kerry and Mark there to help me out. I got the job when both of them had had their share of the position and I was chomping at the bit to try my hand at it. Let me tell you, it's HARD WORK! In addition, Kerry and Mark are miles away. At County, I could always count on their advice and guidance. I gave up the job and became a regular attending when I realized that I was seeing more paperwork than patients. I don't know what I'd do if it came up here. Of course, I know what I'd do. I'd talk it over with Kerry and Lucy.

Lucy and I have become good friends. She's shown me around our section of town and taken me out to dinner numerous times. We've become "more than friends, but less than lovers," as some people say. When we go out, I don't know if it's a date or just a friends thing. One of us always grabs the tab, like a date. However, we've never kissed or anything of the sort. So I don't know. Lucy took me to a friend's party a few weeks ago and people were asking if we were a couple. We would look at each other for a moment, and then reply, "Just friends." So, that's probably all we are.

She works close to the hospital though, and we often walk to work together if I'm on when she works. I'm glad Lucy and I are friends, because I'm still lost as can be in this big city. I can get from the hospital to my apartment, but not too many other places. Tomorrow, we're going into town to get our holiday shopping done. I have no idea what to get Lucy, but hopefully I'll get some ideas tomorrow. Tomorrow is one of those rare days where we both have the whole day off. I just have to get through today.

It was a pretty slow Friday, no major traumas yet. Roosevelt is on the outskirts of the city, so we don't usually get as many traumas as the other hospitals. We still get a lot, almost as much as County, so I was relieved not to have any today. "Dr. Carter, will you get the back pain in four?" a nurse said, handing me a chart.

"Sure thing Chu -- I mean, Karen," I replied. Karen was the head nurse at Roosevelt and she looked almost exactly like Chuni from County. I had almost gotten used to calling her Karen though. Her personality was nothing like Chuni's though -- with her it was all business. I was actually about to grab some dinner, but I would take one more patient.

I looked at the chart. It was blank! What was going on? I walked into exam four. "What are you doing here?" I asked, when I saw Lucy sitting there.

"Well, my back does hurt from standing up all day, but I wanted to know if you were free for dinner. The chart's not filled out either, Karen's a friend of mine."

"I saw," I replied, trying not to laugh as I held up the blank chart. "I can run to the cafeteria."

"Let's go," she said, hopping down.

"You'd stomach cafeteria food for me? Aww, I'm touched. Let me just let them know I'm going."

The cafeteria food was actually edible tonight, and we grabbed a booth to sit in.

"What time are you off?" Lucy asked before taking a bite of her macaroni and cheese.

"Eleven-thirty. You aren't on call this weekend, are you?" I asked.

"Nope. McTeering is. Oh! Did I tell you that I'm started looking for another doctor to help me out with some of the patients I haven't had enough time to see?"

"Nope," I said as I reached for the ketchup to put on my French fries. "That'll really help you out. You've been so busy lately."

"Flu season. But, it's really been hectic since Dr. DeVille retired. This woman came by today; she had a practice in North Carolina until she moved here because of her husband's job. She's older than me, so that might be a good thing."

"That's great. Hopefully that'll take some of the stress off of you."

"The patients too. We've been booked solid for who knows how long. Anything interesting happen to you today?"

"Not really. It's been really slow around here. Are we still on for tomorrow?"

"Yep. We'll hit Macy's and some of the other stores around there. That reminds me, a patient today gave me two tickets for the Radio City Christmas show tomorrow night. He couldn't make it because he had to go out of town, and gave the tickets to me."

I looked at her skeptically. "I don't know. I'm not one for Christmas shows."

"Oh, come on! It'll be fun. It doesn't start until six so we'll have plenty of time to come back to our apartments and drop everything off."

"Since when are you so into Christmas?" I asked.

"Since now. Come on, it's supposed to be really cute. And the Rockettes perform," she added. I still wasn't buying it. "When have you ever objected to seeing women in short skirts kick their legs high anyway?"

I almost choked on the sip of soda I had just taken. After swallowing properly, I said, "Fine, fine, we'll go," I replied.

Lucy smiled. "Good. I better let you get back to work," she said, putting her plates back on the tray.

"Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow then. Thanks for stopping by," I said, standing up.

"Thanks," Lucy said, as I grabbed her tray from her. "I promise not to call too early tomorrow," she said as she walked out.

I placed our trays in the stack that was already forming atop the garbage can before starting to walk back towards the ER. I sighed. Back to reality.

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And l am not lost anymore

"Hey, Dr. Carter, do you want to get in on the ER Secret Santas?" Susan Barteluchi asked. I was sitting in the lounge, waiting for a patient to come in who needed my care. Susan was one of the nurses.

"Who else is in?" I asked.

"Well, no one's said no to me yet. Hint, hint." she said, smiling.

"Sure, count me in," I said.

"Great," she said, writing my name down on a sheet of paper. "What are you doing for the holidays?"

"I'm going back to Chicago the 23rd and 24th. I'm slaving away here Christmas day."

"Look at the bright side, you get New Year's off."

"I never liked New Year's. I usually just go to bed early," I said.

She laughed. "I can't win with you can I?"

"I guess not. What are you doing?"

"Dragging the kids down to my ex-husband's so he can see them. I just hope his parents aren't there, I can't handle that."

It was my turn to laugh. "It's not funny," she continued. "You just don't understand, because you're not married yet. One day you'll understand. This is your future, Dr. Carter."

I tried hard to stifle a laugh. Real hard. "My little speech didn't scare you, eh?" she said before joining in my laughter. "C'mon, we better go out there. If they find out we're having fun without them on a day like this, they'll kill us."

As I followed Susan out, I realized that I was pretty lucky. Everyone was nice at Roosevelt, like County was. I could be at a job I hate. Only two more hours left in my shift Ö.

"Where are you going tonight, John?"

"I'm going to a play, Sophie. A Christmas play," I said as I sorted through the back of my closet. I was looking for the shoe that matched the one on my foot.

"We had a play today in school! It was a winter play. I got to be a giant snowflake!"

"Wow!" I said, grabbing my newly-found shoe. I tried to act surprised, when in reality, Kerry had already gushed about her wonderful snowflake performance. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah! Guess what? Tom Smith's costume ripped when we were on stage!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, he was a snowflake too. It was so funny. When are you coming home?"

"I'll be there in thirteen days, Sophie."

"Wow. I made you a present in school. I made one for you and Mommy and Daddy."

"Wow, that's great Sophie. I got you a present today too."

"Really? What is it?" Sophie said, excited.

"You'll have to wait," I said. "I have to go, or I'll be late, but I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay. Bye-bye, John."

I hung up the phone and finished getting dressed. Lucy would be here any minute. I finally realized what to get Lucy. A gift certificate at a spa. When I went to pick her up for shopping this morning, she was talking to her cousin on the phone. Her cousin's boss had given each of his employees one as part of their Christmas bonus and Lucy was plenty jealous of her. I heard about it all the way from the apartments to Macy's. I was going to pick Lucy up at her apartment, so I grabbed my wallet and coat and was out the door.

"It was cute," Lucy said. We were sitting at a restaurant close to out apartments getting dinner after the show.

"Yeah, it was," I agreed.

"It was kind of a kid-oriented show. But it was still cute."

"Sophie would have liked it," I said.

"One of these days, I'm going to have to meet her," Lucy said, sipping her coffee.

An idea just popped into my head. "What are you doing for Christmas?" I asked.

"Ugh, nothing. My cousins always invite me, but I never go. I feel like the third wheel. I only work Monday next week and I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Why don't you come with me to Chicago?" I asked.

Lucy looked at me for a second. "No, I couldn't impose."

"You wouldn't be! Come. It's only for two days."

"Well... "

"WellÖ " I mimicked her.

She sighed. "Fine. I'll come. But, are you sure it's okay with Kerry?"

"Yes, she said I can always bring someone. I am warning you though, we have to stop by my grandparents' house when we get in."

"I think I'll manage," she said, smiling. "Thank you. For inviting me, I mean."

"No problem."

People run, sun to sun,
Caught in their lives ever flowing
Once begun, life goes till it's gone
We have to go where it's going

"I'll call the airlines when I get home to make sure I can get you on the plane," I said as we walked down the hallway to her apartment.

"I had a really great time tonight. Thanks for coming," Lucy said when we reached her door.

"Thanks for inviting me. How come you always get the free stuff?"

She smiled. "I guess I'm just lucky. Hey, will you help me with an experiment?"

"What kind of experiment?" I asked. "Something for work?"

"Not really. It's really easy. Just stand here and close your eyes."

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing!" she said, smiling.

Was she blushing? She was blushing. I sighed and did as she said. Suddenly, I felt her lips on mine. I liked this experiment.

After a few moments, she pulled away. "Well, thanks for participating. Maybe we could discuss the possible outcomes of this experiment tomorrow at breakfast?"

I, still dumbfounded, just nodded.

"Great, I'll call you tomorrow, Carter," she said as she walked inside.

So much for just friends. Breakfast would be interesting tomorrow.

Breakfast was interesting. We've been on three actual dates since then. God, when I talk about Lucy, I sound like I'm twenty-five again. But I have learned time and time again, she is not a morning person.

"Carter, do you have the tickets?" Lucy screamed to me as she put our luggage in the backseat of the taxi. "It's not even daylight yet!"

It was fifteen minutes to five in the morning, our plane left at six. "Yes, I have them. You really haven't been back to Chicago since med. school?" I asked, changing the subject off of screaming at me.

"Nope. Surprised?"

"A little bit," I said, climbing into the cab.

Lucy climbed in after me. "Hi, we're going to La Guardia. Flying out Delta. Thanks," she said to the driver. Turning to me, she said, "Do you have three fifty for the toll?"

I searched my pockets. "I have a five."

"Good enough. Okay, so Kerry's husband is Michael, right? What does he do again?"

"Michael's a medical professor too. Some of the pre-med classes at the college."

"Is that where Kerry works?"

"No, she works at the teaching hospital part-time."

Lucy paused for a minute. "Kerry works at the hospital. Okay. And Sophie's their daughter and she's four."

"And a half. She'll correct you if you only say four."

"Four and a half. Who's going to be at your grandparents'?"

"Don't worry about that. have no clue. I'll introduce you to them there. I have no clue who'll be there."

"Great," Lucy said, sinking in her seat.

"So, here we are," I said, pulling our three bags onto Kerry's front porch.

"Yep. Oh, I can't believe I came." I looked over at Lucy and she looked like a nervous wreck.

"Lucy, calm down," I said, putting my hands on her shoulders. "I'm going to knock on the door now, okay?"

She nodded and I knocked on the door.

"EEEE!" we heard from the inside. Lucy looked at me questioningly. "Sophie," I said.

"Sophie, I'm not going to answer the door until you calm down," we heard a soft voice say inside.

Lucy looked at me. "Kerry," she said. I nodded and after a few moments of silence, the door opened.

Sophie ran out and attached herself to my legs, as she always does when she hasn't seen me for a long time. Kerry was standing in the doorway. "Hey, Sophie," I said, tussling her hair. I leaned over the doorway to give Kerry a hug since I couldn't move my legs. "Hey, thanks for having us," I said.

"John, you're always welcome here," she said, hugging me back.

"Kerry, you remember Lucy," I said.

"Hi," Lucy said, shaking Kerry's hand. "Thanks so much for letting me come on such short notice."

"Oh, don't be silly. The more the merrier."

I tried to pry Sophie off from my legs. "Hey, Sophie, I want you to meet someone." She obediently stood up straight. "Soph, this is my friend, Lucy."

Sophie smiled. "Hi, John's friend Lucy."

Lucy smiled back. "Hi, Sophie. John's told me a lot about you."

Sophie's face brightened. "John's one of my best friends. My other best friend moved away too."

"You guys, why don't we come inside before you freeze to death," Kerry said.

"Okay, let me get the bags," I said.

"I want to carry one!" Sophie said.

"Okay, then," I said, handing her the smallest bag. "It's not too heavy for you, is it?"

"Nope!" she said, grabbing it with both hands. "John, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

She looked over at Kerry and Lucy. "Mommy, it's a secret."

Kerry smiled. "Lucy, do you want some coffee?"

"Sure," she said. The two walked inside.

"John," Sophie whispered, "is Lucy your girlfriend?"

"Yes," I whispered back.

"That means you love her, right?"

"Yeah."

"John," Sophie said quietly. "Does that mean that you don't love me anymore?"

Kids. "No, of course not Sophie. You can love more than one person at once. You love your mom and dad, right?"

She nodded. "Sara's dad moved away and doesn't love her mom anymore, so I thought that when you move away you don't love the people at home anymore."

"No! I don't know that story. Is this Sara at school?" She nodded. "Well, I don't know Sara at school. But I still love you even though I moved away."

Sophie smiled. "Good."

What four -- and a half -- year olds can think of.

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And I am not lost anymore

"Thank you so very much," I said to Lucy on the way back from my grandparents'. Kerry had leant us her car and we were on the way back to her place.

"No problem!" Lucy replied.

"I think my mother likes you."

"Well, who wouldn't?" Lucy joked.

"Well Ö" I started.

"You stop right there, John Carter!"

I smiled at her and we both laughed. "What time do we need to be at the airport tomorrow?" Lucy asked.

"By six-thirty, at the latest. The plane leaves at seven-fifteen."

Lucy sighed. "Okay, we've done lunch with your family. What's in store for tonight?"

"Dinner with Kerry, Michael, and Sophie. I think a few of Kerry's in-laws are coming over too, since they won't see them on Christmas. Don't forget now, when we get home, Sophie must show you her room."

Lucy laughed. "I hated to tell her to wait until we come back, but we were going to be late!"

"She understood."

"Do you think she'll like the bear I got her?" Lucy was set on buying Sophie a present, although I insisted she didn't have to. We settled on a soft, light brown teddy bear with a pink bow.

"She'll love it. You didn't have to get her anything anyway."

"I know, but I wanted to," Lucy replied.

"Thank you."

Lucy turned to look at me. "What for this time?"

"For coming." I smiled at Lucy. She smiled back.

And you say you see
When you look at me
The reason you love life so
Though lost I have been
I find love again

'Guess what, Mommy? Lucy liked my room!" Sophie said as she burst into the living room.

"She did? Good. Listen, I have to go get some stuff for dinner tonight. Do you want to come with me or stay with John and Lucy?"

Sophie looked at her mother and gave her what I call the classic 'duh' look. "Mom-my. I want to stay here!"

"Okay, then. I won't be long," Kerry said, giving Sophie a kiss on the top of her head.

Lucy and I sat down on the couch and Sophie sat in the chair across from it. "Sophie, who's coming tonight? Do you know?"

She nodded her head empathetically. "Aunt Kelly and Uncle Geoff and Nicole. Oh, guess what? Yesterday I got a present from Aunt Laura! I'm gonna go get it." Sophie ran to her room.

I looked at Lucy. "Having fun yet?" She just laughed.

"Look!" Sophie said. She had a brown teddy bear in her arms. When she handed it to me, I recognized it as the same exact one Lucy had brought for her. I looked at Lucy and her eyes were wide.

"That's a nice bear, Sophie," she said.

"I know! I'm gonna go put it back," she replied, and just as fast as she came, she disappeared to her room again.

"Oh, come on, I didn't know," I said. "It'll be fine."

Lucy just looked at me skeptically.

"John, why do you have to go?" Sophie said as I put the suitcases by the front door.

"Because I have to go work. But, you get to open my present now," I replied handing her an envelope.

She opened the envelope and took out a piece of paper. She handed it to her mother. "What does it say?"

Kerry looked at it. "It's a gift certificate for the Build-A-Bear factory. Remember when we were looking for your dress and we saw it? That's the place where you make your own teddy bear."

"I get to make a teddy bear? You are so cool, John."

"Why thank you."

Lucy handed Sophie a bag. "I know you guys didn't get me anything, and that's perfectly fine. But, I got you something just for letting me stay here. Well, I got Sophie something."

"Oh, Lucy, you didn't need to do that," Kerry said.

"I know."

"Cool!" Sophie said, taking the bag.

"I think you might already have it though."

"Mommy, I got another bear! I don't have this one, this one has a light pink bow. My other one has a light purple bow. Thank you, Lucy."

Lucy and I, the colorblind ones.

"Oh, good!" Lucy said.

"John, don't forget your present from me," Sophie said. I was waiting until tomorrow to open mine. I wanted something to open tomorrow morning before I went to work. Kerry and Michael were waiting until tomorrow to open their presents from me too.

"I didn't," I reassured her. "Now, we better be going, or we'll be late."

So we said our good-byes and thank-yous and gave our hugs. Then we were on our way.

"Merry Christmas, Carter," Dr. Dan Parker said. Dan was one of the residents.

"Dan, nothing is 'merry' this early in the morning." It was six in the morning, but our plane was late getting in, so we didn't get to New York until one and by the time we got home it was two. So, I got three hours of sleep last night.

"Good morning, Mr. Grinch," Karen said. "You give him two days off Ö"

"I was stuck in an airport for a long time last night and didn't get home until two," I replied. "Merry Christmas everyone, I'll be in exam three if you need me."

"Uh, Dr. Carter? There's an ambulance pulling up in two minutes."

It's a wonderful life.

"Ah, Dr. Carter, we're back among the living now?" Karen said as I walked up to the admit desk.

"How long was I asleep?"

"It's eleven now, so four hours." After the MVA came in, I camped out in exam three.

"We went four hours without patients?"

"Nothing we couldn't handle. A few stitches and a broken index finger," Dan said.

"Well, good. Merry Christmas everyone. Who else is on again?"

"You, me, Dr. Parker, Dr. Fox, Monica, Jessie, and Megan," Karen said.

"Me, two residents and four nurses. Just checking," I said.

"Merry Christmas, everyone, Carter," I heard a familiar voice say. I turned around to see. Lucy! I watched as she set a plate of cookies on the desk and took the saran wrap off. "Dig in. I doubt they're still warm after walking in that cold."

"Merry Christmas, Lucy," I replied, walking over to give her a kiss.

"You look like you've actually gotten sleep," she said.

"Three at home and four here."

"Lucky. Walk with me," she said, walking away from the desk.

I followed her into the lounge. "Merry Christmas," she said again, giving me a kiss. "Open your present!"

"I don't have yours with me. I was going to stop by your place tonight."

"That's fine. Open it!"

It was a small box. Inside, there were two tickets, a brochure and a business card. I looked at the tickets. They were to a Broadway show. Lucy was shocked that I had never been to one. The tickets were for next Wednesday. "Thanks! I'm assuming the other one's for you?"

"You guessed right! I already saw that you had the night off. Thanks to Karen again."

I looked at the business card. It was for a restaurant I had never been to, and it had "Wednesday at eight" written on it.

"The play is over at seven forty-five and I made reservations here afterwards. It has the best food. It's close too."

"Good. It looks like a nice place."

I looked at the brochure. It was for a hotel in Central Manhattan. This one got me.

"I got us a room there for two nights, three days. We can take those two nights and three days any time throughout the year, except for peak times, like New Year's and Valentine's Day and all the times when they're booked up. But they can be during the week, on a weekend. We just have to give them seventy-two hours notice. In there, there's a list of all the times when it's not valid."

I walked over to her and gave her a kiss. "Thanks so much, Lucy. I love it. It's much more exciting than my other presents."

"I should hope. What have you gotten?"

"Well, I haven't opened Kerry's yet, but it's a dress shirt and a CD. She gets me that every year. My mother, grandparents, and sister each gave me money."

"Mine does sound more interesting. Merry Christmas, Carter."

I smiled. "Merry Christmas, Lucy."

Though lost I have been
I find love again
And life just keeps on running
And life just keeps on running
You look at me and life comes from you