Who Am I
Part Eight - The Good, The Bad, and The Not-So-Appealing
By Lisa Brown
ERDrLewis@aol.com

This is a Carter/Lucy story, eighth in a series. Parts 1-7 (Who I Am, Lost As Can Be, New Year's Promises, Transitions, Weekend Getaway, The Knight Dynasty, Married to the Job) can be found at http://www.dreamwater.com/divette/

Rated PG. Normal disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making money off of this, so everyone at Warner Bros. and their whole menagerie of people over there can just leave me alone.

A bit of dialogue is taken and changed a bit from "The Finale: Part One," and episode of 'Mad About You.' The title is also taken from another episode of the same show. No season six spoilers. Although this takes place in the future, it doesn't give anything away from the new shows. :)

Thanks to Robert and Rachel for all of the legal mumbo-jumbo in this part. Thanks so much to Michelle, my poor, overworked editor. Who knows where I would be without her! Feedback always appreciated. Enjoy!

Late June 2011

I sat back in my poorly cushioned seat. Luckily, I was the only one in my row in the airplane. I wasn't in a talkative mood.

How has this all happened, I thought to myself. It all happened so fast, I hadn't had time to reflect on the events that had taken place. And, despite the fact that I had left, I missed her. I still loved her. I felt bad for leaving her, but I had to think. Think about my life. My job. My relationship with Lucy.

I squirmed in my seat, trying to get comfortable. Finally, relinquishing the idea that I could, I leaned back and closed my eyes, trying to get some much needed sleep.



I suppose the changes had all started long before, but caught my attention around the time of the move. We were sitting at dinner when Lucy casually mentioned that her apartment lease was coming up soon. It was silly to have two apartments when we rarely used both at once. So, I had invited her to stay with me. A week later, everything in Lucy's was packed and either in storage or at my place. While they were unpacking, I had come across a box of files and papers.

I pulled out a paper to see what it all was. It had been dated earlier in the month, addressed to Robert Kluge, the owner of the hospital. "Luce? What's all this?"

Lucy looked up from the box of clothes she had been digging through. "Oh, that. Uh, that's nothing, just some old paperwork I was looking over. That goes back to the office," she said, coming over to take the box from me. She never looked me in they eye when she spoke.

"Oh, okay. Everything alright?" I asked.

"Yep, fine," she said as she continued to dig through the clothes. 'Fine' was the answer I always got when I asked about work. She would never talk about what was going on, even when I asked her bluntly. She was hiding something, but I thought nothing of it. Those papers certainly weren't 'old' if the dates were right. Oh well, we all have our secrets, I suppose.

"That meeting's tomorrow," I said, changing the subject. Lucy always got so tense when I mentioned work.

"About your job? You're still stepping down, right?"

"Yeah. I'm offering to stay in the position until they find someone else, but I definitely want out. I'm seeing too much paper and not enough patients." I picked up another box, and signaled Zadie to move off the couch. She didn't listen, as always. I sure can pick 'em.

"Well, I'm sure it will go well," Lucy said, somewhat distant. She looked up from the box and smiled at me, as if to assure everything was okay. I smiled back. It seemed as if all was fine.



"Excuse me, sir, would you like a drink?" the flight attendant asked.

I looked up at her. "Do you have coffee? Decaff?"

"Sure, just one moment," she said, pouring my coffee and handing me my glass and a bag of peanuts. "Enjoy," she said as she walked away.

I sighed as I sipped my coffee and tried to slip back into my old train of thought.



I took the elevator down to the last floor when the meeting was over. Something William Morgan had said struck a chord with me.  But, I didn't know what he meant by it. I pondered over the thought as I turned the corner.

"Chief, what's this about you leaving us?" Ben asked when I came over to the desk.

"Word sure travels fast. I'm not leaving you, I'm just going to be a regular attending again. Someone else can try and keep you guys in line," I joked.

"Aww, are we too difficult for you?" Dan asked.

"It's like trying to keep wild cattle in a cage. If I recall, though, I am still in charge, so everyone should get back to work."

"You're no fun. No wonder they're getting someone new," Susan added sarcastically. "Carter, I've got a patient in four for you to look at."

"Sure thing."



"Hey, grabbing a bite to eat?" Ben said, as he sat his tray across from me in the cafeteria.

"Yeah. It's been slow, so I popped over here for a bit."

"Everything okay? You look a bit aloof," Ben commented.

"Yeah, Morgan just said something in the meeting today that weirded me out."

"Oh, really?  Want to share?"

"I don't really want it spread around, so don't tell anyone okay?"

"Promise. Shoot."

I sighed before continuing. "Well, after I told him I was stepping down he asked me if I was still dating Lucy."

"What's that got to do with anything?" Ben asked, taking a sip of his Coke.

"That's what I thought! When I said yes, he asked if she, to quote, 'swayed my decision in any way.' I told him no, that she supported me staying."

"You can't be serious. Where is all this coming from?"

"I have no clue. He looked surprised and said I was a good doctor and didn't want to lose me. I assured him that I wasn't going anywhere, but I have no idea what it was all about. But, Lucy's been hiding something that's going on at work. She doesn't want to tell me, even though I've pushed her a bit."

"Do you think she knows something you don't?"

"Yeah.  But, I don't want to make her tell me. It's probably none of my business. Maybe I'll ask her about it tonight."

"Something's definitely up. I won't tell anyone, okay?"

I looked up from my macaroni and cheese. "Thanks a lot. It means a lot to me."



When I got home that night, I was pleasantly surprised to find Lucy home. "Hey," I said.

"Hey. I decided to bring work home. You want to order in?" Lucy said, looking up from her seat on the couch.

"Sure," I said.

"Okay, I'll get the menus," she said, getting up. "I put Zadie on the balcony for a bit. She was yelping at me and I couldn't concentrate."

"Yeah, she has an ear-piercing yelp. Let's keep her out there until dinner is over, or she'll yelp for that too."

"Good idea. So, what should we get?" Lucy asked, setting the take-out menus on the coffee table.

"Italian sounds good to me, but they don't deliver."

"That's fine. I'll go get it. You just got home."

We finally decided what to get and called it in. Lucy left to get the food and said she'd be right back. I sat on the couch after I got out the silverware and napkins.

I hadn't decided whether or not I would say anything to Lucy. When I went to pick the newspaper off the coffee table, I saw that Lucy had left her paperwork on the table. I looked at it for a moment, tempted to look inside the file folder. Maybe that would explain things. I reached for it, and then reminded myself that it wasn't right to snoop. When I put the folder back on the table, I noticed that a paper had slipped out. I picked it up, and noticed that it was dated the day before and was addressed again, to Robert Kluge and William Morgan. It was signed by Jennifer McTeering. She was James McTeering's wife, a lawyer.  James was a doctor in Lucy's group. I quickly put the letter back in the folder, so I wouldn't be tempted to read more.  Just in time, too, because Lucy walked in.

"Hey. Miss me?" she said, as she locked the door.

"Of course," I replied getting up to help her with the food. I decided not to mention what I had seen.

But, halfway through dinner, I did mention what Morgan had said. "Hey, you know what was kind of odd? Today, during the meeting, William Morgan asked if you helped sway my decision to step down in any way."

Lucy's eyes, which had been looking at her baked ziti, shot up. "Did ... did he give a reason why he asked?" Lucy squeaked.

"No, that's why I thought it was odd," I replied, pausing for a moment to take a bite of pasta. "What's going on, Lucy?"

"No-nothing's going on," she stuttered, looking back down at her food.

"Lucy, please don't lie to me anymore," I pleaded.

"It's -- nothing's final yet, so I don't want to say anything. When everything's more concrete, I'll fill you in. Is that okay?" she said, looking back up.

"Of course," I said. I wanted to know then, but I didn't want to act aggressive. "I'm going to run by the store after work tomorrow. Is there anything you want me to get?" I asked quietly, changing the subject.

"Nothing special. I'll write anything down I can think of. John," she said, looking at me again, "I really am sorry about not telling you. It's just that ... everyone's in an argument, and they're all against me on how to resolve it. It's ... nothing, just all talk."

That didn't really make it any more clear to me, but I just said, "That's fine. We'll talk later."

After a few more moments, Lucy asked, "What time are you on?"

"Three AM. I'll try not to wake you."

"Thanks," she said, smiling. "Done?" she asked as she reached for my plate.

I handed it to her and smiled back. Something was up, but I didn't want to pry.



I looked down at Lucy's list that she had scribbled last night. As I started down the first aisle, I grabbed what was on the list and put it in my basket. While I was picking out a few potatoes, I ran into a woman, knocking the items from her hands.

"Sorry," I said, bending down to pick up what she had dropped. When I stood back up, I noticed that it was Jenn McTeering.  "Oh, hi Jenn," I said.

"John! What a pleasant surprise. I just had lunch with Lucy and the rest of the docs," she said, taking her food back.

"Oh really? What for?" I asked.

"Oh, just to talk about the lawsuit," Jenn said nonchalantly.

"What lawsuit?"

Jenn must have seen the confusion on my face, because she looked like she instantly regretted saying anything. "The lawsuit the group's filing against Roosevelt. She didn't tell you?" Jenn said slowly.

"No. I knew something was up ... but she wouldn't tell me what. Why are they suing?"

"They're not getting the money stated in the contract they signed last month. You know, the one about referring their patients there if they ever needed to go to the hospital? They were supposed to get compensated, but .... it's not working out, I suppose. Kluge just won't cooperate either. We tried to work it out without a lawsuit but ... you work at Roosevelt, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do," I said, feeling somewhat ashamed.

"Maybe that's why Lucy didn't tell you."

"How much are they suing for?"

"Enough that could shut the hospital down. At least for a while, unless someone else buys it.  John, don't take this the wrong way. There's no way we'll probably get that much ..." Jenn said carefully, knowing my job was at stake.

I didn't really even hear what she said after that. My pride was just wounded by the fact that Lucy didn't tell me that my job at the hospital was in jeopardy. I finally just said good-bye to Jenn, and left, without any food.

I went home and walked Zadie. When I got home, it was four-fifteen. I was mad and hurt, and by the time Lucy would get home, I would probably be furious if I didn't find something to do. So, I called Kerry and explained.

"Maybe she didn't want you to know because you could lose your job," Kerry said.

"But, that just gives more reason to tell me. There's just no logical reason for me to think of."

"Well, that doesn't mean she doesn't have one, Carter. Let her explain, you never know. What time does she get home?"

"After five. It's only four forty-five now," I said, sighing. "It just ... makes me mad she didn't tell me. She said it was nothing important. This is pretty important to me."

Just then, I heard the door open and Lucy call out, "John?"

"She's home early. Talk to you later, Kerry." I hung up the phone and walked out to talk to Lucy.

"John, I can explain," she said when she saw me.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, rather loudly.

"I didn't want the lawsuit. I was trying to work things out peacefully, A, because I don't want to be stuck in a lawsuit, losing money for the next ten years, and two, because of you. I know you love your job. You've already lost one."

"That's not the answer to my question. Why didn't you tell me?" I repeated.

"Because it wasn't finalized until today. They gave me a choice, to leave the group now, or agree to the lawsuit. If I left the group, I couldn't open another practice on this island.  I signed a contract. They don't want me taking patients with me. I was going to tell you tonight."

I laughed.  Not a 'ha-ha funny' laugh, but an 'I can't believe it' laugh. "You're still not answering my question. Why didn't you tell me? Did you feel you couldn't trust me? Did you think I'd tell the whole hospital? Were you trying to spare my feelings? Because, let me tell you, you didn't succeed," I replied.

Lucy looked down. "I-I don't know why," she whispered. "I just couldn't bring myself to tell you."

I looked at her long and hard. She was near tears, I could tell. "I don't care about the lawsuit. That doesn't hurt me. It's the fact that you didn't tell me. I thought you trusted me. I trusted you. That hurts me. The fact that you didn't think you could tell me," I said, quietly. I looked at her for another moment before saying, "I can't be here right now."

Her head shot up and I could see tears of guilt streaming down her face. "John ... John, please don't leave me."

I looked at her. "I-I've gotta get out of here. I can't be here right now."

"Where are you going?" Lucy asked, quietly.

"I don't know where."

"Well, are you coming back?"

"I don't know."

"Can't we ... talk about this?"

"No, I can't talk about this now. I thought you trusted me," I said, grabbing my coat and opening the door.

"I do! John, wait ... what's going to happen now?"

I turned to look at her. "I don't know. I'm-I-I don't know," I said, before leaving.



I wandered around for a bit and ended up at the hospital. What a surprise. I stood outside for a bit and decided to call Kerry. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed her number.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Is everything okay?"

"I left."

"Carter!" Kerry scolded.

"I just need some time to think, you know?"

"Well, I'm quite a few miles away, but you're always welcome here. Sophie would love to see you."

"Yeah, maybe a vacation is what I need. I'll see if I can get some time off and a plane ticket. I'll call you back, okay?"

"Sure thing. Take care of yourself."

I walked inside the ER. "Hey, Carter. You're not on, are you?" Dan asked when I walked in.

"No, I just have to talk to Morgan about something. I'm going up now."

"Oh, okay. Is something wrong?"

"I've been better," I said, stopping at the desk for a moment. "Well, I better get up there. Morgan goes home soon."

"Sure thing."

I just caught Morgan. He gave me five days, but I only had five days of sick leave left. And I'd have a lot of double shifts to pull when I got back. He asked me why I needed time off, and I just said personal problems. I stared at an invisible point on the wall the whole time I talked to him. I didn't want him to find out what was going on.

I used the phone in the lounge and booked a flight to Chicago for the next morning at six. I would have to sneak in and get my stuff early tomorrow morning when Lucy was asleep. Dan had walked in in the middle of my phone call.

"Going to Chicago, huh?" he said when I got off.

"Yeah. I need a little vacation."

"Everything okay?"

"Lucy and I got in a fight. A big one."

"I'm sorry to hear that. You got a place to stay tonight?"

"Not really. I figured just camp out here."

"Nonsense.  I'm off and Jane and I have a guest bedroom you can crash in for tonight."

"I don't want to impose --"

"You're not. Come on, we'll feed you a good dinner too. I insist."

"Okay, you win," I said, getting up to follow him. A good bed would be nice anyway.



I got up the next morning at four so I would have enough time to go home, get my stuff, and be at the airport at five-fifteen. I left Dan's quietly and got a cab to take me home. By then, it was four-fifteen. I quietly cracked the door open, and saw Lucy, asleep on the couch with a box of tissues and Zadie, also asleep, next to her. I crept into the bedroom and threw some clothes and other things in my suitcase. I zipped it shut, trying to be quiet, and walked out into the living room again. Lucy was still asleep. I walked over to her and put a blanket over her. I kissed the top of her head and left.

"Sir, can I take your garbage? We'll be landing shortly."

I handed the flight attendant my cup and napkin and hooked my table up. I was still mad at Lucy, but I still loved her. I was pretty sure she still loved me.

This is just another aspect of Lucy I've seen. She keeps secrets very well and has problems with trust. It's a bit good and a bit -- not bad, that's not the right word. It's ... just a bit not-so-appealing.  But, appealing and not-so-appealing, I still love her.



End Part 8.