Letting Go
By Lynne Facella
Mulderette@aol.com or Lynne1919@aol.com

Season Six spoilers through May Day

Disclaimer: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc.

Note: This story was written as a response to the ERFFCC song lyric challenge.
I thought I would try something other than torturing poor Carter for a change.

Song:  Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle

There's two things  I know for sure.
She was sent here from heaven, and she's daddy's little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night, she talks to Jesus and I close my eyes. 
And I thank God for all the joy in my life, Oh but most of all, for....

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony, daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

"Watch me Daddy! Watch me swing!"

"Not too high, Sarah." Luka smiled lovingly as he watched his daughter, her red curls flying every which way, as she sailed through the air. 

"I won't, daddy," she laughed, as she finally stopped pumping her chubby legs and allowed the swing to gradually come to a halt. 

"Come on sweetheart," Luka said, taking Sarah's hand. "Your mommy will have our hides if we are late for dinner."

"Okay, daddy," Sarah grinned adoringly up at her father, displaying the space from which she had recently lost one of her front baby teeth. "We wouldn't want mommy to be mad." 

Luka took Sarah's hand and started for home with Sarah skipping merrily besides him. As they walked through the park, Sarah chattered on about everything. "Look at that dog, daddy." "See the pretty flowers." "Look, a baby bird!" "Can we get ice cream?"

"No ice cream before dinner. You know better, Sarah," Luka said, his eyes twinkling. He loved these times he spent with Sarah. Watching her joy in the simplest things made him see the world in new ways. He thanked God, as he did every day, for having this child and Kerry in his life. In a sudden stab of nostalgia, Luka thought back to those dark days when he never, in his wildest dreams, could have imagined his current happiness. It had been Luka's first year at the hospital and a particularly rough one. Lucy had been killed and Carter badly injured as the result of a stabbing in the ER. Luka had started developing feelings for Carol Hathaway, who in turn, had abruptly moved to Seattle, back to Doug Ross, the man she loved and father of her children. Luka also, on more than one occasion, had butted heads with members of the staff over patient issues.

His life had changed the day after the staff's drug intervention for Carter. Luka had gone up to the roof to take a break and found Kerry, uncharacteristically crying. She had been so upset about Carter, had blamed herself for not noticing his downward spiral. He had taken her into his arms to comfort her, and as he did, there had been an undeniable chemistry between them. He would never forget the look of wonder in Kerry's eyes as he had bent down and pressed his lips to hers. It was something neither could have even imagined, yet it had been a truly magical moment. Afterwards, they had backed away from each other, chalking it up to a one-time thing, but something had drawn them back together, an almost irresistible force, and before they knew it, they were in love. 

They had married and had tried to conceive a child for over a year without success. Then when they had just about given up hope, Kerry had become pregnant. Luka had been filled with an overwhelming joy the minute he set eyes on his new daughter. They had not been blessed with another child, but Sarah was all they needed. Luka took pleasure in everything she did. He had watched in fascination as she took her first steps, had beamed for days after her first word "da-da." 

Sarah's voice drew Luka back into the present. "Daddy! Daddy, you're not listening to me." They were in front of their house.  Sarah stood with her hands on her hips giving Luka a cross look. 

Luka chuckled as he picked her up and lifted her up on his shoulders, piggy-back style. "I'm sorry sweetie." He ran up bouncing up the walkway, causing Sarah to burst into hysterical giggles. 

The front door opened and Kerry came out to meet them.

"Hi, mommy!" Sarah squealed. 

"I could hear you laughing all the way in the kitchen," Kerry said, smiling. "What have you two been up too?" 

"Nothing," Sarah said, still giggling. "What are we having for dinner?" 

"Spaghetti and meatballs, your favorite." 

Luka lightly lifted Sarah down off his shoulders. He then bent down to give Kerry a long, lingering kiss. 

"Oooooh, mommy and daddy are in love!," Sarah cooed with an impish grin.

"You monkey, get into the house and wash up for dinner," Luka said with a mock growl, sending Sarah squealing into the house. Luka and Kerry followed, laughing, his arm around her waist, holding her close. 

Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her momma a little more every day
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy, but if you don't mind,
I'm only going to kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

Luka sat on the sofa, impatiently waiting for his wife and daughter to come downstairs. He couldn't believe it was Sarah's 16th birthday. The years just seemed to have flown by. His eyes swept over the many photographs that adorned the living room walls, snapshots of Sarah's life. Baby pictures, her first day of school, family vacations at Disney World and the Grand Canyon... so many precious memories...

He jumped up as he heard footsteps, but it was Kerry, with Sarah nowhere in sight.

"What is taking so long?" he asked. "People will be here soon."

"Luka, be patient," Kerry said, very much amused by her husband's skittishness. "It's a big day for her. She'll be down soon."

"I am patient, Kerry," Luka, pacing back and forth across the carpet.

"Of course you are dear," Kerry said, patting his shoulder and trying not to laugh. "I have a few more things to take care of out in the kitchen. Would you like to help me?"

"I'll be out in a minute," Luka replied. He watched Kerry fondly as she made her way out of the room. 

Moments later Sarah entered the living room and Luka's heart swelled with pride. 

"Well dad?" Sarah looked up at Luka, her eyes anxiously seeking his approval. "How do I look?"

"You look lovely, Sarah," Luka said. Her hair was shoulder length and it curled softly framing her delicate features. She was very petite like her mother. Her dress was the perfect shade of blue to match her eyes. She and Kerry had spent days shopping before they found it. 

"Really?" she asked, uncertainly.

"Really. You are exquisite." He drew her to him, kissing her lightly on the forehead just as the doorbell rang. 

"Somebody's here!" Sarah said, excitedly, her eyes sparkling. 

"Well, go!," Luka said, laughing. "Go and greet your guests." 

With a final smile at her father, Sarah ran off to get the door. Luka watched her go with mixed feelings. She was growing up so quickly. 

All the precious time...Like the wind, the years go by
Precious butterfly...Spread your wings and fly

"I don't care what you think!" Sarah yelled, her blue eyes blazing as she stared at Luka defiantly. "Mom already said that I could go and I'm going."

"He has green hair!" Luka said. "Couldn't you at least go out with someone who has a normal hair color?"

"You always said it doesn't matter how a person looks!" Sarah retorted. 

"I was talking about ordinary people. Not people who deliberately color their hair green!"

"Oh this is ridiculous," Sarah said. She turned away and stormed out of the living room. "Sometimes I just can't talk to you at all!"

Kerry came into the room cautiously. "Problems?" she asked as she sat down next to Luka on the couch and rubbed his back gently.

"Kerry, he has green hair!" Luka said, unable to get the mental image of this boy out of his mind. 

He thought back to the first day he had met Chuck. Luka had been outside mowing the lawn and Sarah had come traipsing up the lawn with this boy with spiked green hair.

"Hi dad!" Sarah had chirped exuberantly. "This is Chuck."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Kovac!" Chuck had said politely, before disappearing into the house with his daughter. Luka had just stared in amazement after them. 

"Luka...he actually seems like an okay boy," Kerry said slowly. "Every time I've seen him he's been perfectly respectful. I think we have to just trust Sarah's judgement at this point. She gets good grades. She hasn't gotten into any kind of trouble. We can't keep her locked up in the house forever."

"I don't see why not," Luka glowered as he sat sulkily for a short time. Finally his eyes met Kerry's who was watching him with a mock scowl on her face. The two of them burst into laughter. 

"We've done a good job with Sarah, Luka. She's growing up to be an incredible young woman. I think she'll be fine."

"I know you're right," he admitted reluctantly, "but green hair..." Luka drew Kerry into an embrace and shook his head at the absurdity of it all.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room just staring at her,
She asked me what I'm thinking, and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over and gave me...

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there
Sticking little flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle, daddy, it's just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, daddy?"
"Daddy, don't cry."
Oh with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning, and butterfly kisses

Sarah's wedding day. Luka couldn't believe it was here. It seemed like just yesterday she had been playing with her dolls and swinging in the park. Her husband-to-be was a young man he and Kerry had grown very fond of. Sarah had met Brian in medical school. Both of them had luckily secured residencies in Chicago, though neither at Country General. Luka was just grateful that for now they were going to remain close to home. 

He approached the bride's room and knocked hesitantly. "Sarah, Kerry...Can I come in?"

"Yes, come in Luka," Kerry's voice called. 

Luka opened the door and felt as if his heart would stop. Sarah was a vision. She looked like an angel, cloaked in flowing white silk.

"My God, Sarah," he breathed. "You are breathtaking." He could feel his eyes beginning to fill and blinked quickly, trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. 

He felt Kerry's hand clasp his gently for a moment as she quietly said she was going to check on the bridesmaids. He nodded gratefully, knowing that she was giving him this time with Sarah to say goodbye. 

"Sarah, I want you to know that I wish you every happiness in the world," he began, his voice beginning to break. "You are very precious to me. I only hope that your life will be as joyous as the time your mother and I have shared." Luka could feel the tears begin to overflow. He did not try to stop them. "I love you very much." 

"I love you too, daddy," Sarah said. She flung herself into her father's arms and hugged him tightly, tears running down her cheeks. 

Luka held her closely for a few moments, the last time he would hold his daughter as his baby girl, before she became a wife and started a family of her own. Finally he reluctantly relinquished his hold on her. He took his handkerchief from his pocket and lightly dabbed at Sarah's tear-stained cheeks. "No more tears now," he said gruffly. "This is supposed to be a happy day."

There was a light tapping on the door and Kerry popped her head in. "They're about ready to begin," she said with a smile.  

Luka kissed Sarah on the cheek and helped put the veil over her face. He took her arm, took a deep breath and they were ready to walk down the aisle. 

The wedding was lovely. Luka and Kerry had tear-filled eyes for much of the ceremony but they were truly happy for their daughter and new son-in-law. The rest of the day passed in a blur. Pictures, food, Luka displaying remarkable self-control as he danced with Sarah to the traditional "Daddy's Little Girl." All too soon it was over. Sarah and Brian were anxious to leave for their honeymoon, each having managed to get a few days off for a very quick trip to the Bahamas. Goodbyes were said and Sarah and Brian were off to begin their new life together. 

Luka and Kerry were quiet as they drove home, each lost in memories. When they entered the house it seemed empty, too quiet.  Max, the family cat, came up to them meowing and rubbing against their legs, wanting to be petted. Luka wondered if somehow Max realized that Sarah was gone. "It's okay, Max," Luka said softly as he petted the cat gently. 

They slowly walked up the stairs, Kerry limping more than usual after having been on her feet for most of the day. While Kerry was in the bathroom, Luka changed into a pair of sweat pants. He had to admit it felt good to get out of the tuxedo. It wasn't until he was ready to pull the bed covers down that Luka noticed the envelope lying on the bed. "Kerry!" he called. "What is this envelope?"

Kerry came slowly out of the bathroom. She was exhausted. It had been a physically and emotionally draining day. "What envelope?" she asked as she climbed under the covers. 

"This here," Luka said, sinking into bed and cuddling next to Kerry. "It was on the bed."

"Open it," Kerry said, yawning as she nuzzled her head on Luka's bare chest.

Luka carefully opened the envelope, pulling out a card. "It's from Sarah," he said, and proceeded to read the words out loud. 

Dear Mom and Dad,

I can't really write what is in my heart today, but I wanted to thank you for everything you have done for me. You're the most amazing parents. You are both such giving people and I know there isn't anything you wouldn't have done for me. I had a wonderful life with you and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it. I know this day will be difficult for you, but please know, that even though you won't physically be with me, you will both always be in my heart. I love you both so much.

Love,
Sarah

"Oh Luka, that was lovely," Kerry said, sniffling.

"Yes, she's quite a girl," Luka replied with a hitch in his voice. He could feel a few stray tears from Kerry's eyes plop onto his chest. He stroked her hair gently.  

"She'll be okay, Luka," Kerry said reassuringly. She knew how hard this was on him, how hard it was for both of them.

"I know she will," Luka said, holding Kerry even tighter. "We all will be okay." And as he lay there, holding Kerry in his arms, Luka knew in his heart that this was true. He lay awake for a very long time, reminiscing over a lifetime of memories, and finally fell asleep with a smile on his face.

I couldn't ask God for more.  Man, this is what love is.
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses...