Instant Attraction, Part 12
Hope Springs Eternal
By Miesque
miesque48@hotmail.com

RATING: PG
SPOILERS: “All in the Family” and “Be Patient”

STORY SYNOPSIS: Luka and Kerry attend Lucy’s memorial service. A certain hit and run incident causes Luka more guilt than he can really handle, and he pays a visit to his psychologist.

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Luka Kovac and Kerry Weaver are the sole property of NBC, Warner Brothers, Amblin, and Constant C.  

SONG: ‘Draggin’ the Line’, by Tommy James

PREVIOUS INSTALLMENTS: Instant Attraction; Room For Rent; Fired; Blackout; On The Line; Point of Refuge; Heart to Heart; Double-Take; Broken Valentine; In Memory...; Paint It Black



Luka had slept fairly well, and at eight in the morning woke to the familiar sound of Kerry playing music upstairs. She never played it before he was due to wake up, and since they were both going to Lucy’s memorial service at ten that morning, she had known he’d be up earlier than usual, despite it being his day off.

He nodded a greeting to her in the kitchen, watching as she fried eggs and sausage, tapping her feet to a familiar tune.


Makin' a living the old hard way
Takin' and giving by day by day
I dig snow and rain and bright sunshine
Draggin' the line (draggin' the line)

My dog Sam eats purple flowers
We ain't got much but what we got's ours
We dig snow and rain and bright sunshine
Draggin' the line (draggin' the line)
Draggin' the line (draggin' the line)

I feel fine I'm talkin' bout peace of mind
I'm gonna take my time I'm gettin' the good sign

Draggin' the line (draggin' the line)
Draggin' the line (draggin' the line)

Loving the free and feelin' spirit
Of huggin' a tree when you get near it
Diggin' the snow and rain and bright sunshine
Draggin' the line (draggin' the line)

I feel fine I'm talkin' bout peace of mind
I'm gonna take my time I'm gettin' the good sign
Draggin' the line (draggin' the line)
Draggin' the line (draggin' the line)
Draggin' the line (draggin' the line).....


Wordlessly-speaking would have been useless anyway, considering the noise-she directed him to the table and he sat down. Before he knew it, an omelet was before him.  “It’ s a western omelet,” she said, turning off the CD player. “Peppers, cheese, onions, ham...”

She joined him a few minutes later, having made herself a Denver omelet. Luka wrinkled his nose a little at the sight of mushrooms, but she smiled. “You don’t like them?”

“Oh, I like them okay, I’m just not terribly fond of them. My friends at the Sorbonne took me mushroom picking every fall, but... I never developed much of a taste for them. Must have been the horror stories about entire families going extinct from accidentally eating poisonous mushrooms. It certainly gave me pause about sampling what I picked.”

Kerry chuckled and ate her breakfast. She was still in her bathrobe, while he had pulled on sweats and a T-shirt. It was strange, how comfortable they were together. They ate their meal in relative quiet, Luka reading the newspaper. Of course, there was an article in it about the stabbings, and he glanced up at her. He saw from the way she looked at him that she had
seen it, too.

“At least they didn’t drag us through the mud about it,” Kerry said, taking a bite of her toast. “They had to concede that Sobreiki had no criteria for restraints.”

Luka said nothing. What could be said, anyway? He still felt that it was his fault, but there was no use telling Kerry that. She had dismissed his claim of liability again and again, stating firmly that they all shared guilt in the matter. Luka was going to have to accept that and try to move on.



Almost everyone was at the memorial service, except Mark, Lydia and Lilly, who were covering the ER. No one said anything when he and Kerry came in together. Luka took a seat near the front, noting that Kerry sat closer to the back. He acknowledged Drs. Chen and Malucci with a polite nod. A few minutes later, Carol came in and sat down next to him.

“Hi,” she said quietly. “I can’t believe this happened.”

“Neither can I,” was all Luka could say in response.

The hospital chaplain talked for a while, but Luka barely heard him. Then the man said something about having ‘the courage to go forward from tragedy’ and that made Luka look up at him for a moment. He wondered if he would ever be able to move forward. To get on with his own life. Lucy’s had been cut short. It was so unfair-she had been so young and eager, with so much to offer. Reflecting on the whole horrible situation, Luka felt he was left to do his time, bereft of all that he had ever loved,
weighed down by the burden of his loneliness. He wasn’t sure if he could keep going forward from his own misfortunes. This blow-Lucy’s tragic, senseless death-was only one more weight on Luka’s back.

He had no doubt Carter would be suffering all kinds of trouble from his wounds. Luka had visited him before the memorial service, and the younger man was fairly uncommunicative-trying too hard to be upbeat, but in obvious pain. Luka had said very little as well, finding it best to be quiet in situations like that. He recalled the few friends who had visited him after Vukovar and the internment camp. They, too, had kept quiet. Just sat with him, wordlessly expressing their sympathy but honestly not knowing what to say or do.

With Carter unable to attend, Luka was worried that no one would say anything about Lucy. Luka was fairly certain that he couldn’t-public speaking wasn’t exactly his forte-but he hoped that someone would speak for her.

He was startled when Dr. Romano stood up and walked to the podium.

“Lucy was a very brave young lady,” Romano started. He paused for a moment. He could barely be seen over the top of the podium. “She had a real love of learning, and was determined to be a good doctor. As far as I’m concerned, she was a doctor. I’ll always think of her as Dr. Lucy Knight, MD, and if I ever hear anyone refer to her as just a med student, I’ll have‘em sacked. She stood up for herself, and showed about as much ability as I’ve ever seen in anyone. I, for one, will miss her.”

With that, Romano sat down-apparently, making such a heartfelt speech had drained the man. No one else moved, and Luka wished he could have said something. But Romano had, in fact, voiced his thoughts fairly well. She was a doctor, and she had done her best. That seemed quite sufficient, to Luka’s way of thinking. Why belabor it?

When the service ended, Luka made the sign of the cross, said a brief prayer for Lucy, and glanced back to see Kerry. The expression on her face was heartbreaking.

Outside the chapel, Luka tried to find something to talk about with Carol, but felt awkward. He could practically feel himself reaching out, desperate for some kind of contact and companionship. And he had to admit that he needed to have someone around him again. Someone to talk to.

Finally, once they were back at the admit desk, he asked her about her hot water heater.

“It’s fixed,” she smiled. “Thanks for the work you did on it last week. It’s chugging along just fine now.”

“Good.” He tried to smile, but failed yet again. Carol nodded and watched him walk away. Kerry came up beside her, watching him walk through the ambulance bay doors.

“It was good of you to come, Carol,” Kerry said. “I know today was your day off.”

“I never knew Lucy very well,” Carol said quietly. “But she would have made a good doctor.”

“Yes, she would have.”

With that, Carol left. Kerry watched her narrowly for a moment, pushing her feelings of jealousy away. Carol had definitely
caught Luka’s eye, and why not? She was a very beautiful woman, and kind, in her way. All Kerry could really hope for, in
regard to Luka, was that he would be happy. She really wanted that for him. After all he had been through, he deserved that
much.



“Thank you.  Both of you.”

Luka really couldn’t understand why Mrs. Williams would thank him, considering the huge mistake he’d made. He had almost killed Laura. Because of his error, the girl would be enduring a long, slow recovery.

Peter Benton’s behavior was even more puzzling, to Luka. Up until then, Benton had always seemed like a cold fish, in Luka’s opinion. Reserved at best, unfriendly at worst. Not as passive-aggressive as Mark, of course, but it still left Luka feeling shaky and uncertain. To have the man say something kind wasn’t what Luka was prepared for. And the way he had said it- looking around before speaking, as if he didn’t want anyone to hear him. It only added to Luka’s feelings of guilt. Mark’s attitude hadn’t helped at all, though. Luka couldn’t understand what Greene had against him, and tried to chalk it up to paranoia on his own part. He knew plenty of people who didn’t like him, after all. Life isn’t a popularity contest.

Sitting in Doc Magoo’s, attempting to eat breakfast, Luka’s mind retraced the morning’s events, and suddenly he remembered that his car was still back on the street, in front of the Williams house, the engine still probably running. He took a cab out there and was greeted by a policeman, who asked him why he’d leave his car in the middle of the street. It took several minutes of Luka-his nerves frayed-trying to remember proper English to get it all explained. The cop turned out to be an understanding fellow and let Luka off with a warning.

Driving home, Luka carefully went over each minute following the accident. He had waited nine minutes. Too long for the ambulance anyway, in his own opinion. Luka had transported more than his share of patients in the backs of Army trucks, as well as in a Jeep at one time, and none of those rides had been smooth, that was for sure. He had performed emergency procedures in the field. His training had involved hours of drilling on the importance of ‘improvisation’. His professors had told him to utilize whatever was at hand, if it would help. They had also taught him to keep a fairly large medical kit in his car, stocked with anything he might need in an emergency.

Luka’s mind settled for a moment on the hit and run driver. It had taken all of his strength to keep from throwing that man over the admit desk. Luka didn’t know what a DUI was, for a while, but now he had figured it out: driving under the influence. He shook his head in amazement. That entire confrontation had made Luka so angry that he had gone outside to let the cold weather calm him down. It hadn’t helped much, though. Not for the first time did Luka wish he had a punching bag to pound on for a while, just to work off the aggression and energy he felt.

Inside the house, Luka looked through Kerry’s CD collection for a few minutes, but found nothing that interested him. He was restless, on edge, and began pacing back and forth like a caged animal, his mind racing.

Finally, he picked up the telephone and called Dr. Reed’s office.



“So you transported the girl in the back of a plumber’s truck?” Dr. Reed asked Luka quietly.

“Yes.”

“And it hit a bump?”

Luka nodded. “I nicked her intercostal artery... I was surprised by how much she bled.”

“But you got her to the hospital, right? And she’s going to recover?”

“Well, yes, but because of me... me being so... impatient... she’s going to have a long, slow and very painful recovery that could have been avoided had I waited for the ambulance...”

“Yes, I suppose the recovery might have been avoided, but then again, she might also have died if she had been forced to wait eleven minutes for the ambulance. Time is of the essence, Luka.”

“I know that,” Luka snapped. “I made a tough call... but what if she had died?”

“But Luka, she didn’t die. She’s going to be fine.”

Luka rubbed the bridge of his nose-a habit that Reed had taken note of before. Luka had various self-protective gestures.

“You’re beating yourself up over something that could have happened just as easily in the ambulance,” Reed reminded Luka. “Ambulances hit potholes, and sometimes patients are injured because of that. And Mrs. Williams was grateful for what you did.  She did ask that you transport her daughter before the ambulance arrived, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Luka, I’m going to be very honest with you here, okay?” Reed watched Luka nod, noting yet again that Kovac was hugging
himself, shielding himself. “It seems that you have a need to protect everyone around you. To make the world safe, because the world you used to live in was destroyed.”

Luka paled slightly, unable to speak. Reed continued. “The thing is, Luka, you can’t do that. You have to protect yourself a little, too. You did what you thought was right, and in the end it turned out to be the best thing. The ambulance arrived two minutes after you left, right? Those two minutes may have been critical. If you keep declaring yourself guilty of everything that goes wrong in your life, you’re going to wear yourself down and there’ll be nothing left of you.”

“I do feel... I feel like it’s my fault,” Luka said softly. “My fault that my family... if I had sent them out of Croatia...”

“Why is it your fault, Luka?”

“Because... because I should have known better. I should...”

“Did you know what was going to happen when you moved to Vukovar?”

“No.”

Reed sighed. “Luka, you’re only human. You’re not God. You can’t predict the future. All we know is that it’s out there, waiting for us.”

“God...” Luka looked down. For a long time, I stopped believing in God.”

“Why?”

He shrugged. It was hard to explain. “I mean... I believed in God, I just didn’t believe God, you know? I didn’t think there was any reason for me to be around.”

“Everybody has a purpose, Luka. We’re all put here for a reason.”

Luka glanced out the window for a moment. “A few months ago, I pretended to be a priest for a dying woman. She wanted to believe again, and I told her she could.”

“But you were, in fact, telling yourself that you could believe, right Luka?”

Luka nodded. “I try to believe. It’s just...hard sometimes. I said the prayer of contrition...”

“And when you were saying that prayer, do you think you were asking for God’s forgiveness? For yourself?”

“Yes. I think so.”

“So you really do feel that the death of your family was your fault?”

“I was asking God to forgive me for that... and for other things.”

“Like what?”

“For rejecting Him. For getting so angry at my brother for trying to help me. I want to believe. It’s just so hard, especially after a day like today. It seems like I can’t do anything right any more.”

“Luka, you said before that you always believed in God, but that you have a hard time believing Him. What don’t you believe about God?”

“That He is merciful,” Luka said, his voice shaking. “That He didn’t do this to me. That He’s not that...that cruel.”

“No, He isn’t. We don’t understand why things like that happen. Humans do horrible things to each other, despite the fact that God created us. I know I have trouble with it myself. But I still believe. Nothing’s going to stop me from believing... I hope. We say we “know” God exists, and that He loves us. That’s a matter of faith, and it keeps us humble, because it’s one thing we can’t really control. We can’t prove He exists, but I’d like to see someone prove to me that He doesn’t exist and that He doesn’t love us. You have to hold on to that, Luka, for your own sake.”

“I’m just not sure that I can,” Luka answered quietly. “I get so tired sometimes. I’m amazed that I’m still alive... still going forward. I don’t know how I get up in the morning, but I do.”

“Have you ever considered suicide, Luka?”

“Yes. I have.”

“What stopped you?”

Luka’s hands were shaking, but Dr. Reed knew Luka needed to talk about this. “I’m a Roman Catholic. Suicide would mean... would mean that I’d never see them again. I would be condemned.”

“Right. But you must have also realized that there was hope. Remember the story of Pandora’s Box? She opened the box and all the worst things came flying out to take over the world. Hate. Fear. Envy. Death. But then Hope came out, too. There’s always hope.”

“I guess.”

“No, you know that, Luka. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have stopped your hand, so to speak. If you didn’t think there was any hope, you would have given up.”

Luka wiped his eyes, his hands shaking. He was drained, but for some reason he felt a little less beaten down, a little less exhausted. Maybe talking about it really was helping. He nodded, and Dr. Reed smiled. “Seems our time is up, Luka. But remember... group is at four o’clock Monday. I think it would do you a lot of good to be there.”

“I don’t know that I can talk about my problems in front of strangers.”

“You can do it. You’d had to do far worse things in your life.”

Like surviving, Luka thought, standing up. Dr. Reed extended his hand, and Luka shook it firmly. Then he quietly left the room.



Kerry had not had a good day. Abby Lockhart had made a point to her-that her instincts were always something to be considered when dealing with patients. Well, that was true. Kerry had to admit that to herself. That med student had guts.

Now, she was at home, sitting in her kitchen, reading an article on European emergency medical procedures. There were definite differences. In Europe, EMTs generally attempt to stabilize at the scene, while in America the practice was to ‘scoop and run’. She wasn’t entirely sure which method was best. Both had faults to them, but Kerry couldn’t deny that if the EMTs had the option of using either method, at their discretion, many more lives could be saved.

She heard Luka come in then. The main reason she was reading the article was because Luka had left it on the kitchen table. She wondered if he had done that on purpose.

“Hello,” he said, suppressing a yawn. “You just got off?”

“Yes. The memorial service was nice, wasn’t it?”

“Surprising that Romano would speak for her,” Luka mused.

“I guess I was surprised to see Robert Romano actually show... heart. But he did and I think Lucy would have appreciated that.”

“I talked to... to Lucy before the stabbings. She said that it’s easy to get discouraged in our line of work, but it seemed like she was determined to continue. She believed that it would be all right in the end.”

“Yes,” she agreed, swallowing. She wasn’t sure she could keep talking about this, so she changed the subject. “Are you hungry, Luka?”

“Not really.”

“Well, I got Chinese take-out,” she said, glancing at the white boxes on the table. “A ‘sampler’ of just about everything on their menu. Would you like some?”

Luka nodded, pulling a chair out for her. She sat down and watched him take a seat opposite her, finding his manners refreshing. She read the lettering on each box. “Here... I think you’ll like beef and broccoli. Nothing dangerous there.”

He grinned at her. “I like Chinese food, Kerry...except for Moo...Moo Goo...Gai...Pan. Never liked it much. Mainly because I couldn’t pronounce it. Try saying it while you’re drunk, in college, on Christmas Eve. ‘More Goo to go!’” He grinned as she snickered. “You end up with almost the entire stock, along with fifteen boxes of fortune cookies.” Luka chuckled at the memory. “It would have been a lot easier if we had ordered pizza, but my roommate insisted on Chinese for Christmas dinner.”

Kerry couldn’t keep from laughing. She grabbed the pint box that read ‘Hunan Chicken’ and handed it to him. “I hope you can tolerate spicy stuff,” she commented.

“Spice is the variety of life,” Luka shrugged, and she smiled at his pun. He took a piece of sweet and sour chicken, dipped it in the sauce, and popped it in his mouth.

“Do you like it?” she asked. “I’ve always preferred pork.”

“Chicken’s healthier, though, isn’t it?” he asked.

Kerry eyed him for a moment, pleased to realize that he was actually thinking of taking better care of himself. “Yes, it is. It’s the other other white meat.”

Luka grinned at her. “Well, I’ve got to admit that I’ll always pick beef over anything else. But this is good. Is there any Mongolian beef?”

Kerry shoved one of the pint boxes toward him. He wolfed down the contents of the box, and they settled down into the meal, talking a little, but mainly enjoying each other’s company. This day is getting a little better, Luka thought. I guess that’s what Reed was talking about. Hope.

To be continued...