Instant Attraction, Part 15
Getting the Shift
By Miesque
miesque48@hotmail.com
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: “Match Made In Heaven”
STORY SYNOPSIS: Luka struggles with his feelings for Carol, makes peace with his brother,
and contemplates the joy of
killing a Napoleon complex-suffering Chief of Staff.
DISCLAIMER: The characters of Luka Kovac and Kerry Weaver are the sole property of NBC,
Warner Brothers, Amblin, and Constant C.
SONG: “Iris” by The Goo-Goo Dolls
CROATIAN WORD: “Kako”, which I think means “What”. That’s what
the book said, at least. And since Intertran doesn’t work for me anymore...(grrr)
PREVIOUS INSTALLMENTS: Instant Attraction; Room For Rent; Fired; Blackout; On The Line;
Point of Refuge; Heart to Heart; Double-Take; Broken Valentine; In Memory...; Paint It
Black; Hope Springs Eternal; Bridges; My Brother’s Keeper
PRAISE TO: Canada, for editing, suggestions and constant encouragement. Where would I
be without you? :) (Probably still trying to get Part I punched up, I’m sure...my
God, has it really only been a couple of months since I started this new series? Luka is
quite the muse, eh? :) )
He drove a little too fast, getting out of the area as quickly as possible. At first, he
didn’t really think about the fact that he had more or less abandoned Kerry, but he
was certain Davor would give her a ride home. He made a mental note to apologize to her
for his behavior. It was inexcusable for him to just leave her there like that, no matter
how upset he’d become.
Luka had avoided the Croatian community of Chicago with great care. It wasn’t that he
never spoke Croatian-he dreamed in his native language, and whenever he talked to himself,
he spoke in his own tongue. He even thought in Croatian. But he couldn’t bear to be
around ‘his own people’, as Davor called them. Dealing with his
‘cousin’ Herb had been bad enough, just to get a damned car. His other
cousins-Goran, Mikal, Aleks, Ruza, Meljko-were all native Croatians. Refugees-like him.
They had fled the trauma of the war, and had started new lives in America. None of them
had suffered the kinds of losses he had endured. They still had their spouses and
children. They had homes, were working hard, getting ahead in their lives...maybe that was
why Luka couldn’t cope with seeing them.
For almost an hour, Luka drove around Chicago until he finally ended up at the lake-where
he always ended up when troubled. The sounds of the water and the boats still soothed him.
He sat at his favorite spot, looking out across the lake. He hadn’t eaten much of his
meal that morning, so his stomach was growling. Looking around, he spotted a hot dog stand
and walked over. Some breakfast, he thought as he sat down again, watching the water and
eating a meal that he knew would just make him sick later.
“Luka?”
He nearly jumped out of his skin and turned around, startled, to see Davor coming toward
him.
“I figured you’d end up back here,” Davor said in Croatian. “You had
me worried.”
“I’m sure of that,” Luka answered shortly, and turned around. He was in no
mood to talk to his brother.
“Luka, I just want to talk to you. You think I came to Chicago to see cousin
Herb?”
That caught Luka off guard, and he couldn’t keep from smiling. Davor grinned and sat
down beside him. “Listen...you’re my brother and I’m only looking out for
you, you know? I only want you to be happy.”
Luka said nothing, so Davor continued. “We’ve always been different, Luka. We
never really saw eye-to-eye, did we? On much of anything, really. But one thing I think
you’ve always known is that I’ve always loved you and wanted the best for you.
So it was funny...that you were the one who was left in charge all the time.”
“Well, you did like to play with matches,” Luka answered smartly,
taking a bite of his hotdog. He threw the rest away, despite how guilty that made him
feel-wasting food.
Davor grinned widely. “Listen...Luka. Just listen to me for a minute. I want you to
hear me out, okay?”
Luka finally nodded.
“I’m sorry I got on your case again this morning. It was very wrong of me, and I
don’t feel good about it at all. But...you do need to try, Luka. You need to move
forward. You can’t keep looking back, or it’ll kill you. I guess Kerry was
right-that it’ll always define you, what happened at Vukovar. You lost everything,
and I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through. I don’t know that I
want to imagine it.” He looked down, quickly brushing away tears from his eyes.
“But no matter what happens, Luka...no matter what you do, or what you get yourself
into, I’ll always support you. You can’t deny that I was loyal to you. I did
what I thought was best at the time... maybe I was wrong, but I was only thinking of you.
It was a horrible thing for me, to put you in that...”
“Madhouse,” Luka said wearily. He was still staring out at the water, but he was
listening to his brother’s words, and could tell it was difficult for his practical,
reality-minded brother to say such things.
“Yes. Madhouse. I’m sorry I did that to you, Luka. And I’m sorry for
pressuring you.”
Luka finally looked at his brother. He didn’t know what to say- he had never seen
Davor like this before-humble and contrite. He couldn’t even feel angry any more,
even though he knew Davor still wanted him to get on with his life.
“What do you mean by what I get myself into?” Luka asked suddenly.
Davor paused a moment, trying to phrase what he wanted to say very carefully. “Well,
first of all, there’s this Carol person. There’s something I don’t...I
mean, if she makes you happy, and if you think you have a future with her, fine. I’ll
be happy for you so long as you’re happy. But there’s something about her that I
don’t...like.”
Luka glared at Davor for a moment, then swallowed and looked away.
“I’m not saying she’s totally wrong for you," Davor continued. "I
don’t know what it is, and I’m certainly not the judge, but I just want you
to... to realize that you’re putting yourself out on quite a limb...exposing yourself
and making yourself open to a lot of pain if things don’t work out. I don’t want
to see you go through that again. I think I know you well enough-my introverted little
brother-to know that reaching out to anyone is excruciating for you. It was rough on you
even with Tatjana, and I know it’s got to be hard now, after all you’ve been
through...”
Davor watched his brother’s expression carefully, and for some reason, at this
moment, he knew what Luka was thinking. His brother was remembering his courtship of
Tatjana-how scary it had been for Luka, and yet how happy he had been to have won the
woman of his dreams-his soulmate.
“I’m glad you’re trying again, Luka. I’m glad you’re reaching
out...but...”
“But you think Carol is the wrong woman?” Luka asked, looking directly at his
brother for the first time. “You think I’m setting myself up for a fall?”
“I don’t know. Just be careful.” Davor swallowed. He knew Carol was wrong
for Luka. He had known that from the moment Luka had brought her up. But he knew he
couldn’t tell Luka what to do. That was dangerous territory, and it was best to
merely imply things, not state them outright. No one, Davor knew from experience, told
Luka Kovac what to do.
“We’ve both lost a lot, haven’t we?” Luka said quietly. “I lost
Tatjana and the children... you lost a lot of your friends. We both lost our innocence,
that’s for sure.”
Davor couldn’t hide his tears now. His troubles were minute compared to Luka’s.
Luka’s entire world had come crashing down around him, at none of his doing. It would
have been somewhat reasonable if Luka had been some kind of monster-a cruel, hateful man
who deserved a lifetime of misery. But Luka was the kindest, purest soul Davor
had ever known. And God help him, he would never let anyone hurt his baby brother. Not
even a pretty nurse.
“I’m glad you found somebody, Davor,” Luka interrupted his thoughts.
“I hope I’m heading in the same direction.”
“Well, there’s always hope, isn’t there?” Davor smiled sadly, still
feeling that Luka was backing the wrong horse. “We’ve
always got to hope.”
Luka stood up and walked to the rail, leaning over the edge to look at the cold water.
“This is my favorite spot in the city,” he told his brother, who followed him.
“It reminds me a lot of home. You know, the harbor and the boats at night.”
“Yeah.” For a moment, the brothers stood side by side, and anyone watching them
would have been amazed at how similar they were. But they were almost like opposing
forces-two strong wills with different views, different ways of thinking, different
values, almost always in conflict. Yet now, they had finally made peace. Davor finally
sighed and pulled his brother into a strong embrace, shedding his own tears for his
brother’s sake-for the brother he would always love and admire, no matter what
happened. They stood by the water for a long time, saying very little-just watching the
seagulls and listening to sounds that reminded them of home and their life before tragedy
struck.
Luka’s day-his fourth shift in three days-started rotten and went downhill from
there.
It all started with Romano. Looking back on it, Luka figured most of the bad things that
happened in the ER started with that little jerk. His suggestion that Luka take over
Kerry’s position as chief was almost beyond Luka’s imagination. He had seen
enough of what Kerry had to do-along with other ER chiefs he had dealt with in the past-to
know that it wasn’t a job he wanted. No way. But to be threatened with dismissal if
he didn’t take yet another shift-a fifth!-was almost the last straw for Luka. It had
taken all his restraint to keep from dragging the little demon into the bathroom and
sticking his head in the
toilet.
Then it was Carol. He couldn’t understand the sudden cold shoulder he was receiving
from her. And that woman in Doc Magoo’s! Damn her for exposing him like that-saying
that he and Carol and the twins made such a ‘beautiful family’! It had scared
Luka, and what had really scared him was the look on Carol’s face. He couldn’t
tell what she was thinking at all. Then, later, he had been hoping that she would be
receptive to him, but her icy reaction to his well-meaning joke about the Hathaway
twins-she’d said “Ross...their name is Ross,” without even bothering to
look at him...the words still cut him like a knife. He had backed away quickly, respecting
Carol’s need for space, beating a hasty and, now that he thought about it,
ungraceful, retreat. But she had never mentioned the twins’
father to him before, and now...
Of course, there was Mr. Simpson. Luka could certainly relate to the man’s sorrow.
First, he’s going through a horrible
divorce from someone he loves, and is being separated from his own son, then he’s got
leukemia and only a few years of life
remaining. A decent, good-hearted man destroyed by circumstances beyond his control.
Last but not least...the pictures. It had brought out a new kind of pain for Luka. He
couldn’t even describe it, or push it away-it was, as Davor had put it, excruciating.
Again, he felt exposed, as he had twice that morning, only this was incomparably worse.
His spirit was shattered all day, and then to have to see pictures of Kate and Tess, when
he only had one picture of his own family, and then not even one of his Marko. His only
means of maintaining his composure was to get out of the lounge as quickly as possible, to
get away from the situation and protect himself from the pain.
His confusion was made worse when Carol came out to talk to him, asking to see his
precious photo of Tatjana and Jasna. Luka had reached out for that lifeline like a
drowning man, desperate for some warmth... some attention, after having been ignored or
belittled all day, and the reward-her kindness and compassion - was worth having painful
memories being dredged up in the process.
Now, he was working another shift. Midnight to eight in the morning. His back was killing
him. His head ached. He was basically sleep-walking. Thus, he kept an alert nurse around
at all times, to double-check his orders and make sure he had filled out each chart
correctly. Kerry would expect that of him... only now, Romano was in charge.
Lydia was watching Luka walk-or actually stagger-down the hall toward exam three, where he
hoped to catch a few minutes’ worth of sleep, and she sighed sadly. “I
can’t believe Romano is making him work a fifth shift. It’s a mess down
here!” she murmured to Haleh.
Chuny, about to get off for the night, came up behind. “And then we were standing
around looking at baby pictures in the lounge while his own kids are dead!”
“Who told you that?” Lydia asked.
“Carol... she would know, wouldn’t she? He talks to her.”
“I wonder where he lives,” Haleh asked. “And if he has any friends outside
this hospital.”
“Well, he has Carol,” Lydia said darkly. “But I can’t say I’m too
thrilled about what could happen there. If only for Luka’s sake.”
“Me neither,” Haleh agreed. Just then, Romano came bustling down the hall.
“Where’s Kovac?” he bellowed.
“Taking a break,” Haleh answered him icily. “He’s been awake now for
the last, what, forty-eight hours?”
“We’ve got a GSW coming in and we need him. Go wake him up, Haleh.” With
that, he turned around and bustled down the hall, blue scrubcoat flapping around his
knees.
“Little twerp,” Lydia muttered. The nurses all watched sadly as Haleh made her
way to exam three and opened the door. “He’s not brave enough to wake Dr. Kovac
up himself!”
“Luka’d kill him, I’m sure,” Chuny answered.
Luka was lying, more or less unconscious, on his back on the gurney. Well, at least he
doesn’t snore, Haleh thought. “Dr. Kovac?” she asked, shaking him
gently. He sat up, clearly alarmed, and stared at her.
“Kako?” he asked, his voice shaky. Then he realized where he was.
“What?”
“We’ve got a GSW coming in. Romano says he needs you.”
Luka said something in Croatian-very likely a nasty word, to Haleh’s thinking-and
swung his legs off the gurney. His ran his hands through his hair, shook his head, and
stood up in a moment, wavering only a little. “Damn it all to hell,” he said at
last. He went to the sink and threw cold water on his face, trying to wake himself up a
little. Haleh watched him sadly.
“All right,” he said at last. “Thank you, Haleh.”
“For what...waking you up?” she asked as they walked out into the hall. Lydia
and Lilly were talking now at the front desk- Lilly had come in to replace Chuny-and they
smiled at Luka.
“No...for helping me out tonight. Good thing I’ve got you keeping an eye on me.
I can barely read right now,” he said wearily, rubbing his eyes and
suppressing a yawn. “And if I have another run-in with Romano, I may need help wiping
my fingerprints off the gun...”
She chuckled and followed him into the trauma room, where Romano was barking out orders.
That did little to improve Luka’s mood.
Luka was so exhausted that he decided he’d better ride the El home. He figured
he’d only have a wreck and be forced to treat whoever he injured, and at this moment,
he doubted he had the wherewithal to save a chicken, much less a human being. That made
him laugh, he was so punchy from lack of sleep. At least I’d have a good dinner then,
he thought.
He fell asleep on the way and missed his stop, so he had to get on another train to get
back. By the time he got to Kerry’s front door, it was ten-thirty in the morning. He
had to lean on her door for a while, sorting sleepily through his keys, before
he found the right one. Just as he was opening it, he was nearly thrown to the ground when
she opened the door.
“Luka?” she said, startled at his haggard appearance. “You were leaning on
the doorbell!”
“Oh...sorry,” he said. He couldn’t suppress his yawn, though, and was
appalled at how bad his manners got when he was tired. “Oh...yeah. I forgot to
apologize to you about... about breakfast with Davor... a few days ago. How many days was
it? I had no excuse for leaving you like that...”
She had no idea what he was talking about-in fact, his speech was a little garbled. He
looked awful - as bad as she felt, in fact. But she decided it’d be
best to accept his apology, whatever it was about. “It’s all right, Luka. Come
on... I take it you’ve been pulling double shifts?” Because of me, she thought.
Damn that little weasel Romano, putting Luka through this.
He didn’t seem to hear her. He staggered into the living room and collapsed on her
couch. “I just don’t have the strength to make it downstairs...afraid I’ll
fall and break every bone in my body. Funny what you think about while you’re falling
down stairs.” He yawned, and apologized. “My mother fell down the stairs once, a
long time ago...when I was a kid. I had been telling her that she should drink more milk
to build up strength for her bones, and she told me later that as she fell she was
thinking, ‘Luka was right...I should have drank more milk! Now all my bones will be
broken!’”
Kerry smiled. He was lying there, a dark Adonis in her living room, already falling asleep
but mumbling something under his breath. “Romano...kill the little ba...” Then
he was out. Kerry sighed and stood there a moment, then retrieved a warm blanket and
covered him with it. Then, briefly, shyly, she touched his face, feeling the rough growth
of five-o’clock shadow against her palm. He stirred slightly, and she pulled away,
ashamed of herself. Stupid, stupid, she berated herself, getting up. He wants Carol to
touch him like that, not me!
Quickly, she crutched into the kitchen and turned on her radio, keeping the music soft so
as not to wake him.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now
And all I could taste is this moment
And all I can breath is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
Damned stupid fool you are, Kerry Weaver, she told herself. He’s asleep on your couch
and you don’t even have the nerve... the courage... to tell him how you feel and just
leave it at that. You could at least tell him while he’s asleep. If you don’t
say it now, after you’ve been thinking about it for the past several days,
you’ll never say it. ‘Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at
all’. Humph, she thought. What a crock.
“All right...” she said, her voice shaking. She poured herself a glass of Scotch
and raised it in the direction of her living room. “I love you, Luka. There,
I’ve said it and it’s done. He’ll never have to know, and it’ll spare
him having to let me down easy, and we can avoid the... the damnable awkwardness of it
all. He’ll be happy with Carol... but she’d better know how lucky she is!”
She drank down the last of her Scotch, rinsed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher,
turned it on, and went upstairs to bed. He didn’t have to know. He didn’t have
to see her tears. He didn’t have to watch a fool break down.
To be continued...
