Sex Diaries
Part Fifteen - Toads and Falsehoods
By Miesque
miesque1973@msn.com

RATING: PG-13 (mild language)
SETTING: Season Seven (aka "Season of the Pod People") into Season Eight. Luka has long since broken up with Droopy
McHangdog (a.k.a., Abby Lockhart) and is Alone Again (naturally...)
CATEGORY: Luka Kovac/cast. Romantic/comedy/drama, vague spoof of 'Bridget Jones's Diary'...may be rather humorous, may be angsty, may end with a nuclear bomb wiping out all of Chicago...who knows?
ARCHIVE: If you must, but please inform author. :)
SPOILERS: For Season Seven and Wishful Thinking for Season Eight
PREVIOUS INSTALLMENTS: Starter Pistols and Sex Diaries; Fishin' for the Runnin'; Heat Stroke; Grocery Store Cowboy;
Cheesecake and Whine; Times Of Your Life; I Want A Cave Man, I Want A Brave Man!; A Bigger Mousetrap; Bless Me,
Father; For I Am About to Sin; Out On A Ledge; Have An Egg Instead; Charity; The Devil Cuts Loose
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Ellen Hursh for editing and several 2AM brain-storming sessions. :)



John Carter was waiting at the front desk, hoping to see
Alexandra Morgan before his shift started. He was smirking,
forming the plan in his head, when he saw Jing-Mei Chen out
of the corner of his eye. Alexandra's friend, he thought.
Better make sure she's out of the way when I talk to Kovac's
girlfriend.

"Hey, Deb," he called to her. "How's it going?"

My name is Jing-Mei, Johnny," she answered coolly. "And
it's going just fine," she replied. Alexandra had called her
that morning, practically bubbling over with excitement about
her date with Luka the night before. Everything had gone
well, there had been definite sparks, and that, to Jing-Mei,
practically guaranteed success. Now, if she could only keep
disaster at bay. She eyed Carter for a moment, knowing he
was planning something in that devious skull of his. Ever
since he'd been passed over for Chief Residency, he had been
blaming Luka for Kerry's decision. Luka's had only been one
of many dissenting votes against Carter's bid for the job.
Kerry had even voted against him, for God's sake. All of the
attendings has agreed that Carter's behavior lately had been
horrible.

She picked up a chart and headed into exam three, where a
Mr. Penchanski was waiting to have a boil removed from his
butt. "Ah, the joys of medicine."

Luka came in just then, his tie already loosened because of
the heat outside. He signed in, looked at the board, then
went into the lounge to get ready for the day. Carter watched
him with a cool eye, then turned back to watch for
Alexandra. When at last she came in, fluffing her shirt out
and grouching about the bloody heat, he rounded the corner
and caught her before she could get to the lounge.

"Hey, Alexandra. Good morning."

"Good morning," she replied with a pretty smile. She was in
a good mood, and she looked lovely. There was a sparkle in
her eyes, a very definite spring to her step.

"Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? Nothing untoward, I
promise!" he said, raising his hands in the 'surrender'
position. "Just a friendly conversation. I promise."

She shrugged "Oh...all right. Let me put my things away and
sign in. I'm actually three whole minutes early today and I
refuse to be delayed."

"Sure."

She rushed away, and Carter leaned against the desk, waiting
patiently. This was gonna be fun.

========================================

Luka drew his breath in slowly when he saw Alexandra come
into the lounge. The memory of their passionate kiss had
kept him awake all night, but it had been an oddly restful kind
of insomnia. He had laid on the couch all night, watching
television-first 'The Late Show with David Letterman', then
that show with the red-headed guy-whatisname, then 'The
Dick Van Dyke Show', a show he had always liked for some
reason, and finally, he had switched over to Animal Planet
and caught an old episode of 'Big Cat Diary'. His father had
come out of the bedroom at six and had, to Luka's utter
surprise and relief, not quizzed him relentlessly about his date
with Alexandra. He had merely asked how it went and then
had dropped it.

"Good morning," he said. He kept his voice and his
expression carefully controlled, because right on Alexandra's
heels was Chuny Marquez. "Dr. Kovac, we've got an MVA
coming in-bicyclist versus van."

He looked regretfully at Alexandra, who smiled at him and
shrugged. "I'll see you later?" he asked.

"Yes, of course. Maybe we can have lunch in the cafeteria?"

"I think I'd prefer to live 'til tomorrow," Luka grinned at her.
She laughed softly, and Luka was tempted to steal a kiss, but
Chuny poked her head back in.

"Dr. Kovac, that MVA is here."

"Coming, coming," he said. He turned and left the room
quickly. Alexandra sighed and sat down, looking through her
bag for her journal. She was about to pull it out when Carter
came in.

"Hey. Can I sit?"

"I don't know. Can you?"

"Let me rephrase that. May I sit?"

"Okay."

Carter spread his hands on the table, and began speaking
carefully. "I hear you're dating Dr. Kovac."

"Is that really any of your business, John?" she asked him.
She tucked her journal back into her bag, got up, and put the
bag in her locker. She banged it shut and turned back to
him.

"Well, I was just trying to warn you about him, that's all."

"Warn me?" she said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. He has quite a reputation, see. When he first came
here..."

"Oh, the story about the pregnant woman again, hmm?"

"Yeah. Well, it's true. He went after her, that's all, knowing
that she was already spoken for..."

"Spoken for? What was she, an antique settee for sale at a
local furniture shop? Did she have a tag on her saying 'Sold'?"

"What I'm saying is, he put the moves on her while she was
pregnant. I mean, how sick is that?"

"Gee, John, I don't know. I'm sure she was perhaps the
ugliest creature ever born before she got pregnant. And I
find it quite repulsive of you to talk about a man behind his
back."

He glared at her. "Listen, I'm just telling you the straight
story. Not only did he try to...to seduce Carol Hathaway,
but after she left, he went totally nuts. He was sent to a
schoolyard shooting a few days later with Medevac and just
left a gunman there to die. Insisted on taking an only slightly-
injured kid to the hospital instead of a very seriously injured
guy. I mean, yeah, the guy shot at children, but the rules of
triage..."

"Really?" she said, narrowing her eyes. "Are you saying you
wouldn't have done the exact same thing? Or are you merely
perfect? Because if you are, perhaps you could also walk on
water and turn water to wine."

Carter narrowed his eyes. "I never said I was perfect! But I
don't leave my patients to die just because they did something
bad."

"So why are you telling me all this?" she asked him.

"Because if, say, something bad were to come up from
your past, how do you think he'll react?"

"That's between Dr. Kovac and myself," she replied icily. But
Carter was pleased to see a glimmer of doubt in her eyes.
He moved in for the kill then.

"Did you hear he killed a mugger with his bare hands? Went
totally berserk on the poor guy, pounded his head into the
concrete until his brains were mush...you can ask his ex-
girlfriend about it. Kovac can get pretty violent when pushed.
I mean, yeah, he's a nice enough guy usually. But...hell, he
had only been here a few weeks when he got into a tussle
with a wife beater...I'm just trying to warn you, Alexandra.
I'd hate to see you get hurt. He's..."

Alexandra stood up and stalked out of the room. Carter sat
back in his chair, pleased with his efforts.

========================================

18 August 2001

12:30PM Eating alone in cafeteria, took small table in corner,
hoping to be inconspicuous. Feeling v. upset. What if what
John told me was true? Luka doesn't seem like a violent
person, but I've seen so many women come into the ER
with 'accidental' injuries that were inflicted by their kind,
concerned boyfriends and husbands. I've never been abused
myself, and have never been in abusive relationship. Do not
wish to get into one. Wish I could track Luka down and talk to
him. Afraid to track him down, too. If I bring all this up, then
he might think I think more of Carter's opinions than I do his.

Oh, God...that bloody bastard Carter! He has completely
ruined what had started out a lovely day.

See Luka in queue, buying carton of chocolate milk and a pie.
He sees me, and I wave at him. For a moment, he just
stands there, unsure. I'm afraid to wave him over. God, I'm
such a coward. He doesn't approach. Instead, he nods
slightly and leaves, hands stuffed in his pockets, looking a
little confused and worried. Know I have hurt him.

Mind is broiling like a stormy sea. Feel so awful and jumpy
and empty. I suppose this happens after a first date-all the
doubts set in, you start to worry about the other person's
motivations, past relationships, and etc. Then you eat two
pieces of chocolate cake.

========================================

It took Jing-Mei a while to find Alexandra-some instinct had
told her to find her friend and provide some kind of counter
balance to whatever Carter had told her-she had seen John
go into the lounge just after Luka headed off to meet the
ambulance. She was up on the roof again, staring out over
the city. Jing-Mei approached her carefully, unsure of what to
say anyway.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked. "What are you doing up here?"

"Oh...I...just came up here for a while to think."

"About what?"

"I had a talk with Carter this morning. He told me
about...about Luka..."

"Oh." Jing-Mei rolled her eyes. "I suppose he told you about
the whole schoolyard shooter incident?"

"Well, yes..."

"And the Carol situation?"

"Uh..."

"Carter has had a bone to pick with Luka for quite a while.
What did he tell you about the shooter?"

"That Luka left him to die..."

"A typical Carter lie-he doesn't lie so much as he only tells
half the truth, so long as it's to his own advantage. Peter
Benton was there. Luka wasn't even the shooter's doctor,
so it was impossible to call it 'abandonment'. Besides that,
Luka outranked Dr. Benton at the time. Whatever happened,
his was the final word. I don't agree with what Luka did,
really...but I think I would have done it myself-which is kind of
hypocritical of me, really, but I'm no more a machine than
Luka or any other doctor. That shooter and his cronies shot
up a schoolyard and killed two people, if I recall. You do
realize that Luka has PTSD, don't you?"

"PTSD?" Alexandra stared at her, startled. "I didn't realize...I
suppose I should have realized, considering..."

"He should tell you about it. Not Carter. Not me."

"But what about the mugger?" Alexandra said. "He killed a
mugger with his bare hands and..."

"Do you think Luka would hurt you?"

"No. No, I don't think he would."

"He did over-react. He was too rough. But Luka is no killer,
nor is he a violent man. And don't you let John Truman
Carter, a man that I have always known to be a pathological
liar, tell you otherwise. You should be talking with Luka
about this, air it out, instead of standing up on this roof,
worrying about it. Don't let some outside force ruin what
could be a great thing."

"I'm afraid to talk to him."

"Don't be. Be honest with him. There's nothing he likes more
than an honest person."

"Why would Carter lie about him? Why would he do that?"

"Frankly? Because he's a spoiled jerk. I'm hoping to see
somebody teach him a lesson. Luka refuses to do it, as it
would be a waste of his time and energy."

Alexandra laughed. "Perhaps I'll just kick him in the Mommy-
Daddy Maker?"

"Good idea!" Jing-Mei snickered.

========================================

Luka had sensed that Alexandra had wanted to be alone at
lunchtime, so he had made as dignified an exit from the
cafeteria as possible, feeling uneasy. He wanted to ask her
what was wrong, but he was very soon occupied with
perhaps the most bizarre medical case he'd ever come
across. All because of a toad.

Looking it up later in a medical journal, Luka found that the
creature was called a cane toad (bufo marinus), 'the most
introduced toad species in the world'. It had been introduced
to Florida by well-meaning idiots in the 1940's in hopes of it
helping to control sugar cane pests. Instead, the frogs had
multiplied rapidly, thriving in the warm, muggy tropical
environment of the Deep South, and swiftly became the pests
themselves.

The toads were harmless looking, if incredibly ugly, but the
journal he was reading was pretty clear. 'The cane toad's
viscous secretion-bufotenine-used in self-defense, can cause
a wide range of medical conditions, the main ones being
severe irritation to the mucous membranes and
hallucinations. Until it was banned by the FDA, the substance
was often used as a hallucinogen and aphrodisiac. Four New
York men thought that the substance was an oral aphrodisiac
(it was supposed to have been rubbed on the genitals) and
died as a result. Also, some people would literally lick the
toads in order to achieve a hallucinogenic 'high'. This did
occasionally result in death.' Reading this, Luka couldn't keep
from thinking that those people may have actually deserved it.

He had stood in the ambulance bay with Chuny and Kerry,
chatting with them about the weather in general and the sight
of nasty-looking black rainclouds in particular when the
ambulance came rolling up. Doris and Zadro got out, shaking
their heads. "This one's a doozy," Doris said.

"What is it?" Luka asked. "You said something about...toads?"

"Yep. Just be warned...he thinks I'm a kangaroo and that
Zadro here is a giant tarantula."

"Joey Peterson, twenty-four," Zandro started. "Found
roaming around naked in his back yard, by his girlfriend.
Apparently, he had been licking his pet cane toad." Doris and
Zadro opened the ambulance doors and pulled the gurney
down. There was a semi-nude young man strapped to it, and
when he saw Doris again he began screaming. "No, no! Not
the kangaroo again! No, no, no, no!" Then he saw Zadro
again and really started screaming.

At first, the comment about licking the cane toad failed to
register with Luka or Kerry, then they both froze in their
tracks, looked at each other, and turned back to the two
EMTs, who were struggling to cover their smiles. "What?"
they said in unison.

"Thought that'd get your attention," Doris grinned. "BP one-
forty-six over ninety-seven, heart rate elevated at one-
hundred-twelve. Mucous membranes inflamed and very
irritated. Worst problem is hallucinations."

Joey Peterson looked up at Luka, eyes widening. "Oh my
God! It's the Easter Bunny!"

There was a long silence as everyone looked at Luka, trying
to imagine him as a large pink rabbit. Then everyone kind of
shook their heads, as if trying to clear the idea from their
minds. They rolled the gurney and the screaming man into
the hospital and into trauma two.

"Let's do a complete chem panel..." Kerry began rolling off
orders as Luka checked Joey's eyes. Indeed, the membranes
were pretty inflamed. The man's eyes were bloodshot, and
he didn't seem to be looking at Luka. Instead, he was just
gabbling about the Easter Bunny and tarantulas.

"This is bufatamine poisoning, Kerry. There won't be any
toxic levels. Give him thirty milliliters of ipecac syrup and
please set up a charcoal draught. Mr. Peterson, when did
you...uh...lick your toad?" There's a question I've always
wanted to ask a patient, he thought. Besides, 'How did you
rip off your testicle?' and 'How long has that hamster been in
your anal sphincter?', Luka hadn't had a chance to ask a
patient a totally bizarre question. This was going to be an
interesting day.

"Can I have a chocolate Easter egg?" Joey asked him.

"Certainly. But we have to check your vitals, sir, and figure
out how to treat your condition. Then I'll...uh...hop-hop-hop
over to my Easter basket and get you a very nice Easter egg."

"I want an Easter egg!" the man screamed. Luka winced.

"Sure, sure. Chuny, could you please go find this man an
egg?"

"An egg?" she said, looking at him, wide-eyed.

"Yes. An egg. Go. Get. Him. An. Egg."

Kerry, calling Poison Control, looked over at Luka and
shrugged. "Hello, this is Dr. Weaver at County General. We
need some advice regarding bufotenine poisoning...no, I will
not hold. This is County General hospital emergency room
and we've got a guy in here who was...umm...licking a cane
toad!" She rubbed her forehead with the tips of her fingers
and moaned as the pleasant-voiced woman on the other end
politely put her on hold. An instrumental version of 'Rocket
Man' began playing.

Chuny returned with an egg. "Is it boiled?" Luka asked.

"Uh..." She tapped it tentatively against the metal sink. "Yep."

"It's not dyed!" Joey Peterson screamed. "I wanted a pink
Easter egg!"

Luka saw Jing-Mei walking past the trauma room and dashed
out. "Jing-Mei, do you still have that pink highlighter pen on
you?" he asked.

"Uh...yeah..." She took it out of her lab coat pocket and held
it up. He snatched it from her and rushed back into the
trauma room. "Hey!" Jing-Mei yelled angrily and followed him
in.

"Oh my God! It's Michelle Pfeiffer! Can I have your
autograph, Miss Pfeiffer?" Joey Peterson shouted.

"That's Ms. Pfeiffer, Mr. Peterson," Luka said. "Give him
your autograph, Michelle," Luka ordered her. She opened her
mouth to protest, but watched in utter confusion as Luka
began coloring the boiled egg pink with her highlighter.

"I'm not Michelle Pfeiffer...what the hell is going on here?"

"Toad licking," Kerry said, still on hold with Poison Control.
Now 'Havin' My Baby' was playing and her headache was
getting worse.

"Toad lick-..." Jing-Mei looked horrified. "Who'd want to lick
a toad?"

"Good question. Maybe you could ask him?" Luka asked,
tapping the syringe needle and giving Joey a quick shot of
lidocaine, having checked the man's stomach and getting a
loud scream of pain when he'd pressed down a little.

"I want my Easter Egg...and...bats! There's bats in here!"

"Mr. Peterson, here's your Easter egg," Luka said, handing
him the now neon-pink egg. Joey smiled happily for a
moment, then looked up, clearly terrified of the phantom bats
flapping around his head. He then saw Jing-Mei again and
began begging for her autograph. Luka pulled out a pen and
handed it to her.

"Do it, quick."

Jing-Mei scribbled on a piece of paper and handed it to the
man. "Who's Jing-Mei Chen?!" he yelled.

Luka snatched the paper from Joey and glared at
her. "Michelle Pfeiffer!" he stage-whispered.

"Oh...sorry..." She scribbled again and handed the paper
back to Joey, who grinned happily, glassy-eyed.

"Thank you, Miss Pfeiffer! I loved you in 'Silence of the
Lambs'"

"Ms.!" Jing-Mei said, putting her hands on her hips.

"I believe you're thinking of Jodie Foster," Chuny informed
Joey.

"Or that other woman...Julianne Moore?"

"Wrong movie," Luka said, giving Joey the injection
lidocain. "And don't press your luck. He thinks I'm the Easter
Bunny," Luka said. He tried, unsuccessfully, to wriggle his
nose like a rabbit, and Jing-Mei burst into laughter.

"I thought Michelle Pfeiffer was married," Chuny said.

"She is...to the guy that writes...uh...'Ally McBeal'?" Jing-Mei
said. "I don't watch that show."

"Can we all talk about something besides Fox's comedy
lineup?!" Kerry yelled, still on hold with Poison Control.

"Sorry," Luka and Jing-Mei said at once. Joey, satisfied with
his Easter egg and Michelle Pfeiffer's autograph, was lying
quietly on the gurney, looking around with wonder at the
Easter Bunny, who was preparing a charcoal substance, and a
tiny red-headed leprechaun yelling at someone on the phone.

"Hey, where's my toad?!" he suddenly screamed. "Somebody
stole my toad!"

"Sir, do you know where you are?" Luka asked him.

"Where's my toad?!"

"Sir, I don't think you need your toad right now."

"I don't need no damned Easter Bunny telling me I don't need
my toad! I want my toad!"

"Figurarse," Chuny said. "Adicto a sapos."

"What?" Luka said, looking up from the chart. He was writing
quickly, preparing to make a call up to Psych to see if he could
get the guy admitted for a while. Not like the Psych
department admitted people very often, but he could try. The
guy obviously needed to get detoxed first, then he would
definitely need help. If you're licking toads, you need help.

"I said, he's addicted to toads," Chuny grinned.

"Addicted to toads," Luka laughed. "Sounds like a good name
for a rock band, eh?"

Jing-Mei snickered. "Gimme my highlighter back, you big
goofball!"

========================================

5:30PM Invited Luka to flat tonight, because I must talk to
him about what Carter told me. I'm not going to make the
same mistake Elizabeth Bennett made and take only one
man's side of the story as gospel truth. I'm too old for that
kind of thing. I've got maybe fifteen good childbearing years
left, and I'm not going to waste them on false rumors and
innuendo. Hope a bit more mature than that. At least, I
want to be.

Cleaned apartment, as Luka coming at 7PM. He sounded
strained on the phone and v. uncomfortable. I know he was
unhappy with how I behaved today-I avoided him at lunch,
when I was the one who asked him to eat with me, then I
ducked out without even saying anything to him. But I think I
redeemed myself a little by calling him as soon as I got
home. He sounded relieved that I wanted him to come.

6:15PM In process of making Shepherd's Pie. Looks as
though I might be successful at this for once.

6:45PM Wrong. Horrid mess. Oven will need to be cleaned
with sand blaster. Ugh. I simply cannot cook.


7PM Doorbell rings. Open door to Luka standing there,
looking v. handsome in dark suit. He gestured w/ his hands,
as if he didn't know what to do.

"Hi," I said. "Come on in. I was trying to make dinner, but
I'm afraid I wasn't successful. It was going to be shepherd's
pie and leek soup. I only have leek soup now...the shepherd's
pie was a disaster."

Why did he look relieved when I said that?

"Oh. Well. We could order a pizza or something."

"Okay. That should be all right."

Long, strange silence. Luka finally turned to me, looking right
into my eyes. "What's wrong? Have I done something to
make you angry?" He looked genuinely concerned. Wanted
to hug him.

"I'm sorry, Luka. You haven't done anything wrong... Go sit
down...please. I just need to talk to you about some things."

He made his way to the couch, looking v. tired, and sat down.

"John told me about the mugging," I said.

Luka looked as though I'd punched him. He looked down for a
moment, then he nodded. "Yes. I killed the man with my
bare hands. And I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself for it.
I tried...tried to find out who he was, but he was a...a John
Doe. Nobody knew who he was, or where his family was. All
my life I had wanted to be a healer-to help people. Then I kill
a man. You have no idea how...sick that made me, in my
head. It screwed me up so badly...then I ended up having a
disastrous affair with Abby that seemed to drag on forever...it
was like I was asleep inside..."

"I think I understand...well, sort of. I've had a few dead-end
relationships myself."

"Did any of them start with a homicide?" he asked with a
bitter smile.

"No. But one started with a broken clavicle."

"Really?"

I tell him the embarrassing story of the affair I had with Sir
Henry Laughlin-Caldwell, Baronet, a Member of Parliament. I
had met him in the London emergency room where I worked
as an intern. He had broken his clavicle, he said, after
falling off a ladder. It was some weeks later before I found
out he'd broken the bone while climbing out the bedroom
window of his mistress's home in Notting Hill. Besides that,
he'd been married. "I was young and very foolish," I told
Luka.

"I killed a man, Alexandra," Luka said. And Carter was utterly
wrong. Luka does not look at all judgmental. Instead, he
looks sympathetic. "That's hardly a fair comparison to a
youthful mistake."

I didn't know what to say. What can you say to that? "But
you didn't kill him in cold blood."

"I don't know. I don't think so. I didn't intend to kill him. I
just...I just lost control of myself. I wasn't in control of myself
for a long time after that. It took me forever to get my feet
back on solid ground again."

"But you are doing better now, right?"

"Yes. I think so." He looked at me for a moment-that intense
stare of his can be frightening sometimes. "I'm hoping to only
get better from now on."

Almost did a cartwheel, right there in my living room. I hope
to be able to help him get as well as possible. But I cannot-
and will not-try to 'save' him. If Luka wants to get better, if
he wants to be stronger, he must do it himself. I foolishly
tried the 'rescue' thing with my last boyfriend. Women can't
rescue men. That is a proven fact.

"I know you can do it," I tell him. He just smiles at me for a
moment, the leaned in and kissed me again. Such a
wonderful kisser. Such a sweet man. I will let the chips fall
where they may, from now on. There are no guarantees in
life-there are no sure things. But I'm going to try, dammit. I
don't want to give this dream up. He could really be the One.

11:15PM We had a very nice dinner together (pizza, and
delighted to report that Luka also hates anchovies and
mushrooms) and washed dishes together. He didn't seem to
want to leave tonight. I didn't want him to leave at all. I wish
I possessed half his self-control. He kissed me again before
he left-very deep, passionate kiss. Looked at me like a fat
man looks at fried food. Perhaps not the best analogy, but I
think it suits the situation quite well. Feel v. squishy and little
butterflies flitting around in my belly.

Going shopping tomorrow, need to make sure I have my list
with me. Would it be a terrible thing if I bought some
condoms? I know it's a little early in the game for that, but a
girl must be prepared just in case the man she fancies
decides to throw self-possession and caution to the wind and
give her a tumble


To be continued...