Sex Diaries
Part Seventeen - Saying Goodbye
By Miesque
miesque1973@msn.com

RATING: PG-13 (mild language)
SETTING: Season Seven (aka "Season of the Pod People") into Season Eight. Luka has long since broken up with Droopy
McHangdog (a.k.a., Abby Lockhart) and is Alone Again (naturally...)
CATEGORY: Luka Kovac/cast. Romantic/comedy/drama, vague spoof of 'Bridget Jones's Diary'...may be rather humorous, may be angsty, may end with a nuclear bomb wiping out all of Chicago...who knows?
ARCHIVE: If you must, but please inform author. :)
SPOILERS: For Season Seven and Wishful Thinking for Season Eight
PREVIOUS INSTALLMENTS: Starter Pistols and Sex Diaries; Fishin' for the Runnin'; Heat Stroke; Grocery Store Cowboy;
Cheesecake and Whine; Times Of Your Life; I Want A Cave Man, I Want A Brave Man!; A Bigger Mousetrap; Bless Me,
Father; For I Am About to Sin; Out On A Ledge; Have An Egg Instead; Charity; The Devil Cuts Loose; Toads and
Falsehoods; Ready to Go
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Ellen Hursh for editing and several 2AM brain-storming sessions. :)



Luka was totally unprepared.

His apartment was, quite frankly, a disaster area. He
scrambled around for a few minutes, trying to get it cleaned
up a little. He made room in the living room for the hospital
bed Kerry had more or less stolen from somewhere at County
(he didn't want to ask), then spent a few minutes setting up
the heart monitor and oxygen tanks, besides the IV stand. By
the time Andrej was wheeled in on the gurney, everything
was, as Jing-Mei put it, 'chaotically in order'.

Jing-Mei sat on the edge of Andrej's bed, joking with the older
man as she put in the IV line for his morphine. She kept him
distracted from the pain she was inflicting on him, and Luka
was grateful to have her there. She took charge of
everything for the time being, putting groceries away,
cleaning the kitchen, but oddly enough, she didn't get on his
nerves. She did everything quietly, without making a big deal
about her actions.

Andrej had just fallen asleep when there was a light knock at
the door, and Luka went to answer. He was startled-and
relieved-to see Alexandra standing there, holding a paper
sack full of what he assessed to be Dr. Peppers and various
snack items-chips, sweets and so forth. Including two bags of
Twiglets. He was going to have try those things some day.

"Hi," she said. "Umm...I brought some things...I heard you'll
be staying home with your father for a few days, and so I
brought...uh...some fizzy drinks and other unhealthy things, to
kind of balance out the healthy stuff Jing-Mei brought."

"Come on in," Luka told her.

"Is he comfortable?" she asked softly. Jing-Mei came out of
the kitchen, drying her hands, and smiled at Alexandra.

"I think so. He just fell asleep."

"Good, good," Alexandra nodded. "How are you doing?"

"Okay, I guess."

He watched as she slowly inhaled. She looked beautiful, even
in rather shapeless sweats, with her hair tied back, unruly
curls escaping onto her neck. Her very presence was
soothing to Luka, and he wanted to hug her and thank her for
just being there for him. But Jing-Mei was standing there, her
eyebrow raised, so he just nodded and backed away from
her, away from her enticing scent and those eyes that made
him feel light-headed.

"He's on morphine for the pain," Luka told Alexandra. "Right
now, all we can do is wait. The oncologist told me that it
could be anything from a few days to a month." He drew a
shaky breath. "I'm...uh...hey, you shouldn't be carrying that
heavy bag. Let me take it..."

Alexandra deftly side-stepped him. "Don't be silly. Go sit
down and try to rest a bit."

"How can I rest?"

"Then eat something," Jing-Mei suggested. "Have you eaten
anything today?"

"I forgot," Luka admitted.

"I should be so lucky," Jing-Mei muttered. "But that's utterly
*horrible*. A guy your size needs to eat. So go on, get in
the kitchen and I'll slice you some turkey. Go on, get in
there..."

Luka gave in and went into the kitchen, too tired to really
argue with her, but he muttered something about being hen-
pecked. As soon as he was out of ear-shot, Jing-Mei looked
at Alexandra. "He lit up when he saw you. He's glad you're
here."

"Really?" she answered.

"Yes, I know he is." Jing-Mei took the bag from her. "He's
glad you came. And so am I. Andrej was asking for you a
few minutes ago, too. Now, come on in here and help out
with dinner."



21 August 2001

7:35PM Andrej in v. bad shape, I'm afraid. Luka sitting in
living room with him, and I can hear them talking. They are
speaking Croatian, so I have no idea what they're saying.
Jing-Mei and I have agreed to stay up in shifts (neither of us
working tomorrow). She has fallen asleep on floor of Luka's
little 'office', despite his objections that she should take the
bed.

Andrej suddenly calls my name, and I went back into living
room. Luka is standing there, grinding his thumb into his
palm again. Can tell he is v. upset.

"He wants to talk to you," he said, v. quickly. Then he turned
and walked out of the room, into the kitchen, and shuts the
door. I sat down beside Andrej and he looked up at me,
smiling. There is a twinkle in his eye still, but I can tell he is
fading. Fear he may die tonight. Oh, God...

"I want you to promise to take good care of my son," he
says.

"I...Mr. Kovac, I..."

"Andrej," he corrected. "I know you love him. And I know he
loves you. Or at least he's starting to fall for you. Just treat
his heart kindly-he has been through so much, has suffered
so much without complaint. Luka never complains. Even as a
child, when he was so sick he could barely move, he wouldn't
say a word. He'd just sit there, waiting so patiently, never
wanting to cause trouble. You have to watch for his...his
signals. You have to know when to make him get help. I
know you can do it, because you don't think you have the
answers. You're a good listener. A good woman. Promise
me you'll take care of him."

I thought about it for maybe four seconds, then
nodded. "Yes. I'll take care of him. But I can't save him,
Andrej. He has to save himself."

"I know. He will. He is very strong. He didn't make it to
almost forty years, with so much loss and grief, without a lot
of a strength. But you...you can help him. You can listen to
him, encourage him. Make him know he can do it, make him
laugh when things are dark and frightening for him. You will
do that, yes?"

I nod.

"Good. That's all I want. I want my boy to be happy. I know
he'll be in good hands with you."

I don't know exactly why. I have only known this man for a
few days, but I feel I have known him a long time. He looks
up at me, so sick and weak, life slipping from his body, and
yet he has this iron in him, like his son. I give him a kiss on
the forehead, and he laughs-very weakly-and tells me it's
been a long time since a pretty woman has kissed him.

"I'm sure you were quite the lady killer," I tell him.

"I could have been. But then I met Natalija. You remind me
of her. She was a little...kooky, yes? She was forgetful,
tended to cause trouble without meaning to, and she loved to
laugh. Everyone loved Natalija. You have the same kind of
heart. You are Luka's mate, Alexandra."

I can certainly hope I am.



Luka was awakened at six thirty in the morning by a strange
sound. Sitting up slowly, trying to adjust his eyes to the light,
besides his neck feeling terribly stiff from sleeping wrong on
the couch, he listened again. A beeping noise. The heart
monitor was making very unhappy sounds. In an instant, he
was on his feet and at Andrej's side.

"Papa?"

Andrej's eyes opened, and he stared at Luka for a moment as
though he didn't recognize him. Then he smiled-or grimaced-
at his son and nodded.

"I'm awake. Not feeling...very good..."

"I know." He got his stethoscope and listened to Andrej's
heart. Still too rapid at one-twenty. His father's body wasn't
strong enough to take that kind of stress. Luka wondered if
he was strong enough for this himself.

"I think...I think it's nearly time, Luka," Andrej
whispered. "Didn't think it would happen this quickly."

"Don't say that, Tata. You aren't going to die today..."

"I think I should know better than you, son," Andrej countered
gently. "I know myself pretty well. The clock is winding
down, eh? I live in this body twenty-hour hours, seven days a
week. Pretty soon, I won't be in this body any more. I want
you to call a priest. I want last rites while I'm able to make
my confession."

"Tata, I..."

"Do it, Luka."

Alexandra came out of the bedroom then, still dressed in her
rumpled black sweatsuit. She made her way to Andrej's side
and squeezed his hand, smiling down at him. She looked up
at Luka, who was fighting to maintain his self-control.

"What can I do?" she asked.

"Call St. Jerome's church...the number's in the rolodex by
the 'phone...and tell them we need a priest here for last
rites," Luka said, his voice dull. He ran a hand through his
hair and exhaled, watching his father sleep.

"Can I get you anything, Luka?" Alexandra asked softly.

"No. That's all right."

"You really should eat. You look exhausted."

"I am exhausted. Too exhausted to eat," he said, regretting
the sharpness of his tone. Andrej looked at him, his
expression one of vague disgust. "I'm sorry. I think Jing-Mei
brought some apples last night. Would you get me one,
please?"

"Sure." She went into the kitchen and left the two men alone.

"Take good care of her, Luka," Andrej said.

"Tata, this is no time to talk about my..."

"Promise me!"

Luka swallowed and nodded. "I promise...I promise I'll take
care of her."

"I like that Jing-Mei woman, too. I suppose she'll be doing
her best to take care of you, too. Seems like you have the
same predicament you've always had-women all over you."
Andrej laughed softly, wincing from the pain. "It's so strange
that you didn't become a...that you didn't become
promiscuous and heartless."

"I didn't have much opportunity," Luka shrugged. "All the girls
in town wanted Vedran. The only one that showed any
interest in me was Danijela."

"That's not entirely true. There were quite a few girls in town
that thought a *lot* of you."

"Really? Like who?" Luka grinned. "If they were thinking of
me, they certainly didn't show it."

"You were a little intimidating, that's all. Remember Ana
Blazevic? And Tatjana Spoljar? Didn't it strike you as a little
odd that as soon as your engagement to Danijela was
announced, they decided to become nuns?"

Luka snorted derisively. "I really doubt that was because of
me. They were just friends...I mean...oh, come on, Tata.
That's crazy!"

"Ana's mother told me that that girl cried for a week after you
married Danijela. Several of the local beauties were very
taken with you. You, on the other hand, only had eyes for
Danijela...besides being totally oblivious to flirtation at the
time. And now...now I see you have eyes for Alexandra. It's
the same thing, you know. You look at her in the same way
you looked at Danijela."

"Tata, this is hardly the time to talk about my love life."

"There's no better time. I don't have much time left. I want
to be certain that my son will be okay. I want to leave this
world safe in the knowledge that you're doing well, that you
have someone to love-that someone who loves you. That's
the most a father can hope for, isn't it? That his children are
happy and healthy?"

"I'm going to be all right," Luka said. He wondered if that was
true, though. He had told Andrej that when he'd left Croatia
for France. It had been a lie then. He hope it was the truth
now.

"You'll be all right if you'll listen to me. You could try to love
her, couldn't you?"

"It's beyond trying now," Luka said, looking at the heart
monitor and licking his lips nervously. "I...I'll admit, Tata, I
haven't felt this way about a woman in a long time. I just
don't want to make any mistakes this time."

"You'll make plenty of mistakes even when doing your best,"
Andrej said. "You're only human. Not that that is a good
excuse, really. I'm not telling you to marry her tomorrow. In
fact, I'd advise you to take it very slowly, to not rush things."

Alexandra came out of the kitchen then, carrying an apple in
her hand. She handed it to Luka, their fingers brushing
briefly, which caused that familiar tremor in Luka's stomach,
and she sat down on the couch. She and Andrej studied him,
waiting for him to eat. He finally rolled his eyes wearily and
took a bite. Satisfied, Andrej put his head back again and
closed his eyes.

Once Andrej was asleep, Luka looked across at Alexandra,
who was studying the heart monitor. She looked tired, but
just as beautiful as ever. "Thank you," he said.

"For what?"

"For coming here. My father...he's very fond of you."

"I'm very fond of him," she smiled softly. "He's a very kind
man."

Luka stared levelly at her for a moment, then looked at his
father again. "He...ah...he thinks we...you and I...that is to
say..." He cleared his throat. "Alexandra, I'm sorry. This is
all happening so fast..."

"Yes, I know," she nodded. "It's happening very fast."

Luka wondered if she knew what he'd meant. He wasn't
really talking about Andrej's impending death. He struggled
for a moment to find the words, then sighed and rubbed his
forehead, suddenly feeling drained of all his
strength. "Alexandra, I really appreciate you being here. You
don't know...know how much it means to me..."

"I can't imagine being anywhere else, Luka. It's a privilege to
help. I'm happy to do whatever needs to be done."

There was a long, comfortable silence as they stared at each
other. He was trapped in her gaze, but unwilling to even
attempt to escape. He let himself get lost in those deep blue
depths, finding comfort in her very presence.

"I'll sit with him, Luka. Go get some rest. Did you finish your
apple yet?"

He pulled the apple out of his jacket pocket, showing that he'd
taken at least three bites of it so far. She giggled
slightly. "So I forgot again," he said glumly. He put his
elbows on the edge of the bed and propped his chin on his
fists. "I've never been a very enthusiastic eater anyway."

"I should be so lucky," Alexandra said with a weary shrug.

Andrej's eyes opened suddenly, and he began gasping for
breath. Luka put the oxygen mask over his father's mouth
and nose again, and for a while he and Alexandra waited. In
a few moments, Andrej was breathing normally again, and
pushed the mask away.

"Everything is so dark," Andrej whispered.

The room was well-lit. Alexandra looked at Luka, who
touched his father's face as he struggled against
tears. "Tata? Can you hear me?"

"I'm ready to go," Andrej said. "I'm ready to see my Natalija
again. Vedran and Marko and Jasna...I'll kiss them for you,
Luka. I will tell Danijela you're doing well...that you've found
someone again-she'll be so happy to know you're all right.
She was such a good woman..."

Luka tried to speak, but the words caught in his throat.
Alexandra stroked the old man's hair, whispering to
him. "Shhh, Andrej. Shhh..."

"Ready to go," Andrej nodded. His face had a peaceful
expression now, while in contrast his son's expression was
one of pure agony. Luka grabbed his father's hand, clutching
it desperately between his own hands.

"Please, Tata, don't say that. Please don't go..."

There was a knock at the door, and Alexandra jumped
up. "That'll be the priest," she told Luka. "I told him to come
as soon as possible."

Luka recognized Father Joseph and greeted him with only a
vague nod, eyes never leaving his father's face. The priest
moved to Andrej's side. "Is he conscious?"

"No," Luka whispered. "His heart rate is slowing...I...I'm a
doctor. He has...pancreatic cancer...I don't think he has much
longer."

Father Joseph nodded, putting his hand on Luka's shoulder,
but Luka pulled away, withdrawing, not wanting anyone to
touch him right now. Alexandra kept her distance, as if she
understood that he needed space. He was chewing on his
knuckles, staring into middle distance, his expression almost
completely blank. As the priest began speaking, Luka closed
his eyes, refusing to watch, struggling to block out the sound
of the priest's voice.

"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost,
amen..."

Luka heard Alexandra's whispered prayer, and concentrated
on the sound of her voice. It wasn't a Catholic prayer at
all...in fact, it was a personal prayer. "Please, God, grant him
peace. Give him comfort in this dark hour."

It was a startling realization, to suddenly understand that
Alexandra was praying for him.



22 August 2001

8:45AM Loud, frightening sound from living room-a kind of
guttural cry. Scramble up and run into room, almost tumbling
over a box. Luka is sitting beside his father's bed, his
expression utterly indescribable. Heartbreaking, and I know
what has happened before he even tells me.

"He's dead."

Oh, dear God. I suppose it was instinctive, but I went around
and knelt down beside Luka and put my hand on his leg. He
doesn't look at me. Continues to stare at his father, as if he
can't believe this has happened.

"He was sitting in Doc Magoo's just a few days ago, eating a
turkey sandwich," Luka said softly. "Now...now he'll never eat
again." I see something like confusion in his eyes, like he
cannot grasp this reality. "My father is dead."

"I'm so sorry, Luka. You need to get some rest now...just go
lie down..."

"I don't want to sleep. I can't sleep."

"Well, you have to. I'll make all the phone calls. Go lie down."

He stares at me for a long time, then snaps. "How the hell
am I supposed to sleep when my father is lying dead in my
living room? Tell me that...how do I do something like that?!"

Must hold my own. "If you can't do it naturally, then I'll give
you a prescription for a sleeping pill. There's much to be
done today and you won't be much good to anyone if you
can't keep your head up. Now go to bed!"

He stares down at me, and I detect a bit of surprise in his
expression. He wavers for a long time, looking from me to
his father's body. Father Joseph is leaning over Andrej,
sprinkling him with holy water and praying. Luka is watching
this, eyes wide with shock. He has obviously not absorbed
this reality just yet. I wonder if it was cruel of me, or helpful,
but I went over and pulled the blanket over Andrej's face.
Luka becomes very still as he watches me, then his hands
started shaking.

"He's dead," he repeats, almost childlike. What would happen
to me if my own dear Dad died? I think I'd shrivel up and die
myself, esp. if I didn't get to say goodbye. At least Luka got
to do that.

"Yes."

"I'm the only one left now," Luka whispered. "My mother died
when I was seventeen. Danijela and the children when I was
twenty-nine. Vedran when I was thirty. Now I'm forty and
my father is dead. My father is dead. Everybody I love dies.
Sometimes I think maybe I'm cursed."

"That isn't true and you know it," I tell him, sounding v.
firm. "No one is cursed. Now you'll do as you're told and go
to bed. You're exhausted. I doubt you've had any sleep since
the day before yesterday. Come on..."

"I'll sleep on the couch."

"Certainly not. You'll sleep in your own bed for once. Come
on..."

He balks like a mule all the way to the bedroom, but
automatically climbs into his bed and collapses on his side. In
just a few minutes, he is asleep. I pull his shoes off and pull
the blankets over him. He is remarkably beautiful. Hard to
believe he is almost forty years old. Cannot resist touching
his hair as he sleeps-it is soft and silky, with lots of grey at
the temples. I sit and watch him for a long time, then go
back out to living room and sleep on couch.

9:50AM Am awakened by phone ringing. Dr. Weaver calling
from CCGH, asking about Luka and what can she do? I tell
her that Luka is still asleep, that I've already called morgue
and that Jing-Mei is due to come back at seven-thirty. There
is a long silence, then Dr. Weaver clears her throat.

"I'm sure Luka is very grateful you were there for him."

"He said he was."

Another long silence, and I wonder again if Dr. Weaver really
is in love with Luka or if it's just my imagination.

"I'll try to come by this afternoon. Luka will have to make all
kinds of decisions in the next couple of days. I assume Andrej
will want to be buried in Croatia?"

"I really don't know," I tell her.

"Okay. Well...I'll see you later, then." <click>

10:15AM Jing-Mei arrives, and we sit in the kitchen for
longest time, saying v. little. Luka still asleep. Jing-Mei
expresses regret that she didn't get to know Andrej v. well. I
tell her that he wanted me to take care of Luka, and she
smiles. "He wouldn't have asked you to if he didn't think you
could do it."

10:50AM Luka awake, on phone now with someone in
Croatia. Realize v. quickly that he is arranging to fly Andrej's
body back to Zagreb. Will not allow self to even consider
going with him, tho' he obviously needs someone to help
him. Would be most inappropriate, after all. Perhaps Dr.
Weaver will go with him, or Jing-Mei. Which makes me feel
miserable, but we have only been on one official date and
that barely even qualifies me as his girlfriend so I do not
expect him to ask me. Feel so stupid and selfish.

11:45AM Dr. Weaver arrives and promptly takes charge.
Jing-Mei and I simply get out of the way. Luka sitting in
kitchen with Dr. Weaver, fidgeting, saying v. little. He looks
simply exhausted, despite several hours of good sleep. He
looks up and makes eye contact w/ me for a moment, and I
swear my heart stopped.

Bloody awful day for him.

12:30PM When I got home, I called Dad. Thirty years old and
every time I talk to him I feel like a little girl again. Cannot be
helped. Is hopeless case of Daddysgirlitis. He tells me all the
latest gossip (he is far better at gossip and rumor-mongering
than Mum, who often gets stories wrong-case in point: the
legendary story of how Patty Smyth-Hatton had polio, when in
fact she was learning how to play polo), particularly that the
new vicar is gay (according to Mum) and that Gary Wilder's
wife has left him for the contractor who dug their new
swimming pool. Oddly enough, Gary is quite happy to be rid
of her, as she was a dreadful shrew and made him miserable
w/ all her demands for Royal Doulton and furniture w/ Royal
Warrant, general snobbery, uppityness and etc. She was our
neighbourhood's Hyacinth Bucket.

Nobody stays married any more. Love is a mockery to most
people. A sweet man died this morning. I got out my bottle
of Chablis and made a toast to Andrej Kovac. May you rest in
peace.

3:30PM Gay Couple arging, head kilng me, wish they'd bloody
shut up. Finally open window and scream at them to sod off,
and You Know Who recognizes me, lks v. embarsasd. Dnt
mek to loo, oof toppled over, cnnt write anymore. Broke
down and cried for two hours, flt qut sobr after gah, 'phone!

4PM Was Luka. God, hope I didn't sound terribly drunk.
Thanked me for being there for him, and informed me he is
indeed flying to Croatia, will be back 2 September and is
taking Jing-Mei w/ him. Speak briefly w/ Jing-Mei, who
assures me several times (I assume Luka out of earshot) that
there is positively nothing going on btwn her and Luka and I
shouldn't worry. Shall worry anyway. Not about *her*, but
that he might decide to stay in Croatia and never return.

5:30PM Showered and went to bed. Quite tired. Cried some
more. Haven't cried so much since I broke up with Vile Tom,
who broke my heart and stole my best jewelry. Shall really
miss Luka. Cannot stop thinking about him.

6:30PM Brought bottle of Chablis to bed w/ me.

To be continued...