Title: Laughter Is The Best Medicine 2 a.k.a. I Know What You Wrote Last
Summer
Author: Triggersaurus
Genre: Humour
Rating: PG
Summary: Everything goes a little crazy in the ER, in a Season 7 kind of
way.
Disclaimer: I have to work all summer to fund my education.  Do YOU think I
own 'em? 'Nuff said.
Author's Notes: This time last year, I wrote 'Laughter Is The Best
Medicine', which was a parodied version of season 6.  This is similar, but
takes off Season 7.  The first LITBM can be found at
http://www.geocities.com/er_trig/triggersfics.html as can a lot of other
things.


LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE 2  a.k.a.  I KNOW WHAT YOU WROTE LAST SUMMER



IT IS A NORMAL DAY IN THE ER. PATIENTS ARE EVERYWHERE, HOWEVER, FEW ARE
BEING TREATED. ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ER WE SEE A TECHNICIAN WEARING
WRAPAROUND SHADES AND A BIG BEANIE HAT, STANDING OVER MIXING DECKS AND
PLAYING LPS OF VARIOUS TRACKS OF MUSIC THAT CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.

DAVE: Isn't the music being a little...overplayed? It's getting more of a
role than ME!

EXECUTIVES: Shut up! We'll give you a line when we want you to speak!

THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE AREA AND LANDS ON MARK AND ELIZABETH PRACTICALLY
HUMPING ON THE FLOOR.

EVERYONE:  EEEW! Please, enough already.

SUDDENLY THE DOORS BANG OPEN.

MAD WOMAN: ABBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Banana, banana, I feel like a
grapefruit! Long long lonnnngggg for a pineapple...ABBBBEEEEEEEEEEEE!

ABBY: Oh, dear god.  I don't know her, she couldn't possibly be my
mother...oops.

LUKA: She's your mother? Oh boy, now I understand all those mother-in-law
jokes.

CARTER: I'm sure she's a lovely person really. (MUTTERS EVILLY)  She could
be a lot of use to me...

FROM INSIDE HER COAT, ABBY'S MOTHER PULLS OUT THREE CHILDREN - ONE TEENAGE
BOY, A TEENAGE GIRL AND AN INFANT.

PETER: Oh, the poor kiddie-winkies! I must take them home and look after
them.  Or at least...take them to Cleo's home.

CLEO: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! My nice, big too-expensive-for-a-pediatric-resident
home?? With a grand piano and laminate flooring? I think NOT!

SHE SLAPS HIM ONCE AND STORMS OFF

EXECUTIVES: Use this opportunity, Peter!  Show us your sensitive side!

PETER:  I thought I already had by adopting three kids??

EXECUTIVES: WE WANT MORE!

PETER: Jeez, alright.  (STARTS SOBBING) Oh, boohoo!

EXECUTIVES: That's more like it!

SOMEONE NEW ENTERS THE ER

WOMAN: Hello, hello?  Lesbian Services here, looking for anyone of dubious
orientation, anyone previously unattached, anyone in need of ratings?

KERRY: Oooooooh!

EXECUTIVES: Sounds good.  You two - in bed NOW.

KERRY:  But...I'm not...

EXECUTIVES: You are now.  Woman? What's your name?

WOMAN: Kim.

EXECUTIVES: Kim, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to convert
this woman to lesbianism and therefore increase our ratings.  We shall
self-destruct in thirty seconds.

EVERYONE: HOORAY!

EXECUTIVES BLOW UP.

DAVE: YEE HAAA!  Now I can get some plots!

JOHN WELLS: HAH! I think not, young feller-me-lad.  I have returned from
concentrating on my other multi-award winning drama series to see how you're
getting on here.  Why are my co-workers scattered in pieces on the floor?

YOSH:  It's best you don't ask.

JOHN WELLS: WHAT is THAT???!

HE POINTS TO MARK AND ELIZABETH, KISSING ON A GURNEY.

JING-MEI: I know, it's gross.  But we have no other successfully functioning
relationships in the ER.

ABBY AND LUKA: Hey!

JING-MEI: Oh, you don't count!  One of you is un-dead and you're
relationship is monosyllabic!

LUKA: Eh?

ABBY: Huh?

CARTER: Face the facts, Abby.  Your relationship with Luka only ever
involves single words.  How can I just be friends with a woman who can only
handle one word at a time?  I LONG for a monosyllabic relationship!  Choose
me, Abby, choose me!

ABBY: Wha?

CARTER IS SUDDENLY HIT OVER THE HEAD BY A FALLING OBJECT FROM THE SKY, AND
CRUMPLES TO THE FLOOR.

ROMANO: Why are there babies falling from the sky? Don't you women know how
to breed selectively? Here, you deal with this.

HE THROWS A COUPLE OF BABIES AT JOHN WELLS AND MARCHES ONWARD.

JOHN WELLS: Ugh, now what do I do?!

JING-MEI: Well, I think they're pretty cute, I can take one if you don't
mind me giving it away if it becomes too stressful?

JOHN WELLS: Sure, I see plot potential in that...

A SCREAM SPLITS THE AIR AND EVERYONE TURNS TO SEE LYDIA COVERING HER EYES
AND WAILING.

LYDIA: No, Mark, don't do it! Please, for the love of humanity!

MARK IS MIDWAY THROUGH TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF.

JOHN WELLS: Oh, dear God.

HE THROWS THE REMAINING BABY AT MARK TO STOP HIM STRIPPING, WHICH KNOCKS
MARK OVER.

ELIZABETH: Ooh, a baby!

MARK: Ooh! Let's keep it!

DAVE: Can I hold it?

MARK: NO! Mine! Mine!

THEY RUN OUT OF THE ER.

DAVE: Hurumph.  I hope he gets a brain tumour.

JOHN WELLS:  I can see a bright future in producing for you, young man.

A LOUD SERIES OF CRASHES AND BANGING NOISES DEAFENS EVERYONE.

ABBY'S MOTHER:  ABBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  A tissue shall be a bird
and fly south for the winter, ABBBEEEEEE!  Why hellooooooo...

SHE STOPS TO LOOK AT CARTER, SLUMPED ON THE FLOOR.

ABBY'S MOTHER: Bless, he looks just like a pineapple. BAAAAAAAH!
ABBEEEEEEEE!

SHE TRIPS OVER CARTER AND FALLS INTO A WAILING HEAP.  IN THE DISTANCE WE SEE
LUKA RUNNING TO HELP, AND EVERYTHING GOES INTO SLO-MO AS CARTER WAKES UP AND
SEES LUKA, AND TRIES TO GET UP AND HELP ABBY'S MOTHER BEFORE LUKA CAN.  THE
'CHARIOTS OF FIRE' THEME PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AS THE DJ MIXES HIS TRACKS.

CARTER AND LUKA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THEY YELL IN EXERTION AS THEY GET NEARER UNTIL THEY BOTH COLLIDE AND ARE
KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS AS ABBY'S MOTHER GETS UP OF HER OWN ACCORD AND WANDERS
OFF.

ABBY: Luka! I think we need to have a serious talk about our relationship.
You've had a hard time dealing with The Bishop-

BISHOP: Hello.

THE NURSES SUDDENLY BREAK OUT SINGING "THE BISH, THE BISH, THE BISH IS
BAA-AACK", WITH ROMANO PLAYING PIANO WEARING ELTON JOHN GLASSES.

ABBY: (GROANS) I thought you died already?!

BISHOP: Well, I did, but I convinced the guy upstairs to send me down again
after I got a call from some executives who wanted me back to hear more
confessions...

JOHN WELLS: I'm afraid my executives blew up in a freak Mission:Impossible
accident.

BISHOP: Oh.  Would you like me to do Last Rites?

JOHN WELLS: No, it's okay, we already had an episode called that, but thank
you anyway.

BISHOP: I'll be off then, I suppose...

EVERYONE: YES! Go already!

BISHOP: Farewell, cruel world, for thee hast-

THE BISHOP DISAPPEARS IN A PUFF OF SMOKE.

DAVE: Heh.  Funny what you can do when you put your mind to it.

ABBY: AS I was SAYING.  Luka, you've had a hard time, and I haven't exactly
had an easy ride either, what with my divorce, the med school fiasco, my
alcoholism, and that abortion I had, plus of course my bipolar mother.  What
I want to say is really that-

RANDI: Abby, Luka's unconscious, he can't hear you-

ABBY: He is?  I hadn't noticed.

RANDI: And your mother is trying to tempt Romano into killing her as a
suicide plot...

IN THE DISTANCE WE HEAR A CRY OF "ABBBEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

ABBY: Oh to hell with it, I might join her.

SHE STOMPS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.  LUKA AND CARTER SLOWLY COME TO.

CARTER AND LUKA:  Abby?

RANDI: She's gone to kill herself.

CARTER AND LUKA: Nooooooo!  (THEY BOTH START SOBBING)

RANDI:  Oh for God's sake.  Pull yourselves together.  Date me if you want a
real kick.

CARTER: Hmmm...

LUKA: No, no.  It's the Bishop I want.  I must go and summon him with my
ouija board.

THE TRAUMA DOORS CRASH OPEN

ELIZABETH: GET YOUR AMERICAN ARSES HERE NOW! My husband is DYING, I tell
you, DYING!

SHE PAUSES FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT.

RANDI: Whoa.

DAVE: Hah.

CARTER: I'd treat him...but I can't go near anyone who might need drugs,
bandages, sutures, surgery or bowel disempactions.

JING-MEI: I can't treat him.  I'm on adoption leave.

CARTER: They have that now?

JING-MEI: I don't know, that's what Mr. Wells told me.

DAVE: Well I can't treat him because I'm not a big enough character.

KERRY: I can't because I have to go and think about my sexuality.

LUKA: "Heavenly spirits, I call to you..."

DAVE: Obviously Luka can't...

CLEO: I would, but I'm afraid I'm a pediatrician, and besides I have to look
after these brats that Peter's just DUMPED on me.

PETER:  Boo hoo!  I'm far too busy showing my sensitive side to actually be
a doctor.

ABBY: (SILENCE)

JING-MEI: And Abby's dead...wait a minute!  I thought we were all meant to
be doctors?!

MARK: (STRAINED, JUST ABOUT CONSCIOUS) I'm...a...doctor...

DAVE: Well that's it then, isn't it?  You gotta treat and street yourself,
man.

MARK: But...Elizabeth...

ELIZABETH: MARK! How can you expect me to look after you when I have so much
wailing to do??

MARK: Oh...that's...right...I'm...sorry....

HIS EYES CLOSE AND THE DJ SWITCHES TO SOME SLOW MUSIC.

JING-MEI: I think he's dying!  This is terrible!

ELIZABETH: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

MARK: Wait...no...I'm not dying... (LEAPS OFF THE GURNEY) Lookie at that!
I'm miraculously cured! (DANCES)

ELIZABETH: Oh, Mark!

MARK: Oh, Elizabeth!

EVERYONE: Oh, NOOOOOOOO!

MARK AND ELIZABETH MAKE OUT AS EVERYONE ELSE REACHES FOR EMESIS BASINS,
BUCKETS AND ANYTHING THEY CAN THROW UP INTO AS THE LIGHTS DIM AND THE DJ
SWITCHES TO A MELLOW VERSION OF THE ER SOUNDTRACK.


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