Grin's Meditation Zone

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• GRIN - Greetings fellow seekers of peace, and welcome to Grin's Meditation Zone where we may learn to speak to our inner voices together. Meditation is a nice, relaxing exercise that gives one great energy and makes them happier people. Take me for example: I am always happy. Yay. Now then, to get started, I -
• AMBER - Hey Grin. There's a phone call for you...they say it's urgent.
• GRIN - Very well. Excuse me, listeners, I shall return momentarily.
• NOSE DIVE - Has he shut up yet? Good. Whuzzzup my love-crazed fans? Sit yourselves down and welcome to NOSE DIVE'S Meditation whatever the hell he calls it. Hook me up with a first caller.
• CALLER #1 - Yeah, hi Nose Dive. This is Bob from Montana and I'm a bit confused...I thought that Grin was the one that took over the show every week, not you.
• NOSE DIVE - Reality check, buddy boy, that was the parallel dimension! In THIS universe it's MY turn! Get this fool outta my sight and throw another caller my way!
• CALLER #2 - Hello.
• NOSE DIVE - Why hello foxy lady. What can the Dive-mister do for you?
• CALLER #2 - Tell me your dirtiest fantasy.
• NOSE DIVE - I can't believe it.
• CALLER #2 - What?
• NOSE DIVE - I've been waiting my whole goddamn life for a girl to ask me that and now I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK TO SAY!!! Maybe if you tell me yours it'll jog my memory.
• CALLER #2 - Well, there's this one where you, your brother and I are in a hot tub.
• NOSE DIVE - Well, it'd better be one huge hot tub...they don't call him my BIG brother for nothin'. Just between you and me, half that stuff under the hockey suit isn't exactly padding, if you know what I mean. Anyway, go on sexy human babe...when do we get rid of Wing and get down to business?
• CALLER #2 - Oh, we don't...the three of us have hot sex together.
• NOSE DIVE - Man, with my brother?! That is so wrong! Go wash you mouth out with soap, you slut! Gimmie a CLEANER caller!
• CALLER #3 - Hey there Nose Dive.
• NOSE DIVE - Hey there Pal, you sound familiar...do I know you?
• CALLER #3 - Yeah maybe.
• NOSE DIVE - That's cool. Well, what's your question, Buuuddy?
• CALLER #3 - How do you wanna DIE, you little BASTARD?!
• NOSE DIVE - Uh oh...hi Wild Wing...enjoying the show?
• CALLER #3 - 'Not exactly padding', huh? I'm not the one that eats Pop-tarts and cheese puffs and candy and all that other shit all day long! The only reason you look so goddamn skinny is because all the fat's gone to your HEAD!
• NOSE DIVE - Hey Man, I resent that! I happen to have a very high metabolism...I NEED lots of foods that are high in sugar and all that other shit that parents say is bad for you (but don't worry kids, they only lie so they can have it all for themselves). So back off fool, before I'm forced to open up a can of whoop-ass on you! Any other callers wanna bitch me out? Come on...bring it on!

What's that smell....incense or bad acting?

• MALLORY - Calm down, Dive. You're getting way too defensive.
• NOSE DIVE - I AM NOT!!!
• MALLORY - You big baby. Here...relax and let me show you how it's done. Hey there, this is Mallory McMallard...next caller, you're on the air.
• CALLER #4 - Uh, hi Mallory, my name's Jon from Virginia.
• MALLORY - Hey there Jon, what can I do for you?
• CALLER #4 - I was just wondering if that was your real hair color because it looks really fake.
• MALLORY - YOU SON OF A BITCH! You asked for it, 'Jon from Virginia' I'm gonna come over there and blow your fuckin' head in with my bazooka, you got that you NOSY ASSHOLE?!
• NOSE DIVE - Oh okay...I get it now. Thanks for showing me how to do it Mallory. Just one question...when do pull out my gun and start getting hysterical...before or after they ask the question?
• MALLORY - Shut up and answer a question, you little prick!
• NOSE DIVE - You heard the lady...talk to me people!
• CALLER #5 - Dude...is this Nose Dive?
• NOSE DIVE - Yeah.
• CALLER # 5 - Dude...
• NOSE DIVE - Uh, do you want something?
• CALLER #5 - Like what? Do you take orders? I could really go for some chicken, Man.
• NOSE DIVE - Hold it...Thrash? Is that you, Man?
• CALLER #5 - Of course, Buddy, who else?
• NOSE DIVE - THRASH! My man! Why the hell didn't you tell me it was you, Dude?
• CALLER #5 - I dunno Man, I must've forgot.
• NOSE DIVE - Ladies and gentlemen, may I present my good pal, THE THRASH-MISTER!
• CALLER #5 - Really? Cool...where?
• NOSE DIVE - No Thrash...that's you.
• CALLER # 5 - Really? Dude...
• MALLORY - I don't mean to put a damper on the reunion here, but could we move on?

I can't take much more of this...

• CALLER #5 - Chill, Duck Babe! I'm just havin' a friendly chat with the Divester.
• MALLORY - Yeah, well in case you didn't notice we've got an audience that has to watch this...could you do something a bit more, oh, I dunno, intresting?
• CALLER #5 - Oh, okay...so like, what should I do, insult you or tell Dive about one of my dirty dreams?
• MALLORY - That's it. GET OFF THE LINE! Give us an INTELLIGENT caller!
• NOSE DIVE - Girlie, are you ever UP-TIGHT!
• MALLORY - Be quiet, you little rat-haired moron! WHERE THE HELL IS MY NEXT CALLER?!
• CALLER #6 - uh...hi.
• MALLORY - Hi there, this is Mallory McMallard, can I help you?
• CALLER #6 - Yeah...can I talk to Nose Dive?
• MALLORY - Why do you want to talk to him?
• CALLER #6 - Because you frighten me.
• MALLORY - WHY YOU STUPID FREAK! I FRIGHTEN YOU?! I'LL SHOW YOU FRIGHTENING! I'M GONNA TRACE THIS CALL AND COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, DID YOU HEAR THAT, YOU COWARD?! Hey...he hung up on me. THE LITTLE BASTARD!
• NOSE DIVE - Okay Mal...calm down. Go take your sedatives and let ME handle the next caller.
• DUKE -Forget the next caller Dive, you've got bigger problems.
• NOSE DIVE - DUKE! Dudes and Dudettes, may I present Duke L'Orange. What's up, Duke?
• DUKE - Oh, not much...but your ass is about to be down...way down. Like thrown from a five story window.
• NOSE DIVE - Now why would you do a thing like that?! What'd I do to you recently? Besides hiding in your room and taking those blackmail photos of you and Mara.
• DUKE - Not me, Stupid, Grin! He;s on his way over now. Oh, and about those pictures...I was looking through your sketch pads the other day and I happened to find some very intresting pictures you drew of Mallory and Amber...naked.
• MALLORY - WHAT?!
• NOSE DIVE - Uh oh. Uhh....he's just kidding...heh heh. Thanks a lot, Duke!
• DUKE - Just returning the favor. Bye Dive...I'll come to your funeral.
• MALLORY - And if you'll excuse me, I think I'm gonna go look at some ART, Nose Dive. Bye everybody.
• NOSE DIVE - Well, let's just hope I can get to my room and lock the door before Mallory beats me to it. This is the Dive live over and out!
• GRIN - Oh Nose Dive...I've got a little present for...damn. he's gone. I guess I dragged this mini-cannon all the way up here for nothing. That's all the time I have for today, so remember: love bites- oh wait, wrong catch phrase...sorry...Peace out.