Question:
What do you call the bumbling medical student who graduates at the bottom of his class?

Answer:
Doctor.

GUIDING LIGHT's autopsy-turvy hero, Rick Bauer, probably wouldn't find that joke very funny. But the truth is, when the good doc checked out of Cedars Hosptial in 1991, he'd just been caught dead-handed, stealing corpses out of the morgue. Now Rick's back in town, but his luck hasn't changed. His first patient, Eve Guthrie, opted for an herbal wrap instead of a bone-marrow tap, and died.

"My middle name is Dr. Kevorkian," cracks Michael O'Leary, the mad-libbing, 37-year-old star who's quick to defend almost anything about Rick's history, except his CASE histories. Has Cedars changed much during Rick's absence? O'Leary deadpans, "Well, probably more people in Springfield have lived since I've been gone."

"Rick did pull some pretty CREATIVE stunts," we offer.

"[In the article] you can substitute 'creative' and say MALPRACTICE," he laughs. "You won't hurt my feelings. Rick has a tremendous bedside manner, but when people are sick and they come to me, they know a body bag isn't far away. They can come in with strep throat and I'll end up putting a toe tag on them. In fact, the reason Reva is still alive is that she's never come to me for medical advice!"

Ironically, during his time off GL, O'Leary didn't completely desert the medical profession - he just became a "patient" instead. Recognize that INTENSE guy with the throbbing temples and the death-warmed-over expression in the long-running Excedrin commercial? That's O'Leary, grimacing like Captain Kirk bracing for a Romulan invasion. "The ad people wanted me to do it a million different ways," he recalls. "They didn't get the finished product until the 25th take, and by then, I felt like I was doing a Bill Shatner imitation." (Well, even if filming caused a HEADACHE, those residuals were worth it.) Aside from that, O'Leary did theater work in L.A. and wrote plays. A script called STARS that he co-wrote (and headlined in) with Julie Osburn (ex-Kathleen, ANOTHER WORLD) made it to Tiffany Theater in L.A.

Actually, O'Leary's been writing his own material for years without realizing it. This guy was already a stand-up comic, even when he had to wriggle out of his high chair to STAND UP. Raised in Diamond Bar, CA, O'Leary planned to be a sports announcer, but wound up charming TV casting directors with his "wild and crazy" imitations of Steve Martin and Jimmy Carter. Today, his subjects are mostly GL colleagues, past and present. During this luncheon interview, he suddenly jumped up - arms flopping, face screwed into a rubber Jim Carrey mask - and launched into silly putty impersonations of Jordan Clarke [ex-Billy], Terrell Anthony [ex-Rusty], Frank Dicopoulos [Frank] and former Executive Producer Robert Calhoun. He even had Peter Simon's [Ed] stare down pat...Marcy Walker's [Tangie], too.

No wonder GL wanted this guy back. His antics are guaranteed setside tension-relievers. When O'Leary left early in 1991, after a mostly front-burner, seven-year stint, the decision was voluntary. "I felt burned out, and I just wanted to get out of Manhattan," he said. "I was tired of concrete." (He'd been mugged twice - at gunpoint.) Post-GL, Michael and wife Joni moved to laid-back Marina del Rey, CA, where they lived next door to Robert Newman (Josh) and his wife, Britt.

In November 1994, daughter Kate was born. These days, it doesn't take much to get him started. Just mention her name... "Did you see my eyes light up?" he exclaims. "Kate has red hair, blue eyes and was born on Thanksgiving Day, which is appropriate." (Joni had a difficult pregnancy.) Kate's conception date was pretty memorable, too. It measured over 7 on the Richter scale. "I don't think we were thinking about having a child [on the day of the L.A. earthquake], but becoming a parent is the smartest thing I've ever done. It's true what they say about little girls. You're wrapped around their finger 12 times."

O'Leary's soap return didn't happen overnight. GL first contacted him in 1994, with plans to recast the role of hellcat Dinah Marler and possibly entangle her with Rick. Ironically, Cynthia Watros (now Annie) tested for Dinah. That fell through, but in February, GL came up with a story involving Rick with (coincidentally) Annie.

A little nervous on his first day back, O'Leary reports, "I'm glad all I had to do was [work with Peter Simon] and say, 'Hey, Dad'" Yet, in other ways, he feels like he never left. "My heart was always with the show," he says quietly. "There's no place that I'd really rather be than with GUIDING LIGHT."

SIDEBAR: "Checkout Time Is..."

When Michael O'Leary rejoined GL, he had no place to stay. His old N.Y.C. apartment (which he'd never given up) was being repainted. To escape the fumes, Joni and Kate bunked with relatives in North Carolina. For O'Leary, that commute was too far. Needing a quick place to crash, he called on buddy Grant Aleksander (Alec, AMC; ex-Phillip, GL) and his wife Sherry. But you've heard the old adage about house guests... "They have like six or eight cats," O'Leary groans. "Those animals just LANGUISH around. I'm allergic to cats, and at bedtime my wheezing kicks in. As close as we are, Grant and I both understand that a few days is the most you can stand somebody else. When you find that your pillow and blanket have been put away on a closet shelf, you know it's time to go."

WHOA! Pooh-poohing the "pillow and blanket" tale as untrue, Aleksander concedes, "When you're in an apartment with just one bathroom, entertaining isn't easy. Still, Mikey's so great that it's more fun than inconvenient - although I do want to kill him sometimes." P.S.: Several of the cats whined that "they were a little put out by O'Leary's elongated form occupying their bed out in the foyer."