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Ring-ring! Ring-ring! by Maria Rick Hello? Voice, kind of timid Uh…Rick? I…I know this might come as a shock to you…maybe you ought to sit down… Rick (Slightly annoyed) I said hello. Voice Rick, it’s me, Phillip. Buddy, I know this is a big shock…but I’m alive. Rick (Strangely unemotional) Hey, pal. Long time no talk. Phillip (A bit surprised) I’m sorry to have to do this over the telephone but…well…it’s better than just seeing the back of my head. Rick (Sounds like he’s nonchalantly chewing on something while talking) Hey, that’s okay. I understand. Phillip (Confused) Uh…Rick? Are you in, um, shock? I…well…I expected SOME kind of reaction from you. What’s wrong? Rick (Apologetic) Oh, nothing, buddy! I’m really happy you’re not in that crypt Olivia fell in or anything. Really glad. But I’m not surprised. I already knew. Phillip You did? When? How did you find out? Rick Oh, it happened offscreen. Some time ago. Specifically when doesn’t really matter. How doesn’t matter all that much either. Phillip It, er, doesn’t? Rick Nah, at least not any more. It’s okay. You’ll get used to it after awhile. (Pause). So. What’s up? Phillip (Shaking off his confusion to get back to his reason for calling) Yeah, right. Rick, I’ve been wandering around Springfield for the past few weeks… Rick Yeah, I knew that too. Not sure when I knew, but I know. Phillip Uh…good. So anyway, I’ve been wandering around for awhile, checking things out, and…well…I hate to say it, pal, but I need your help. I realize now that I’m not well, and I just want to get better. Somewhere far away, so that one day I can come back healthy and be there—really be there for my family. But I REALLY need your help to get back on my feet. Rick Man, Phil, I’m so glad to hear you say that. What made you finally realize this? Phillp It’s been a lot of things, Rick. I think I’m still delusional. I’m seeing things that just…they’re not possible. Rick Whattya mean? Phillip Well, it started out really small. Take my ring, for example. Didn’t it used to be silver? And just a plain band? Right? Rick Hmm...I dunno. The continuity people should have caught that. Maybe they didn’t look. Phillip I’ve only been wearing it for over 20 years. Rick You have? I wouldn’t worry about the ring. What else. Phillip Well, I thought I’d go back to Company. I thought if I went there, I might be able to get a handle on where I went wrong. But when I got there… Rick What? Did it help? Phillip It’s just so embarrassing. I looked in the window and…I started hallucinating again. Rick Like with your imaginary daughter? Phillip Worse. That at least made some kind of sense but HERE…I saw all these weird colors on the walls, and flowers and…and…that dog I bought Lizzie? She was up there on the wall, hanging in purple and pink and…I don’t know WHAT happened. It was like an acid trip, but I wasn’t on anything, I swear. Rick Oh, that’s nothing. Lizzie just redecorated the place right after she inherited it. Phillip Redecorated? Like THAT? Rick, I was SHOT there, and she was painting in pastels? I don’t…wait a minute. INHERITED it? From WHO? Rick From YOU. Phillip I owned Company? Rick That happened offscreen too. Oh, and don’t feel too badly about Lizzie painting Company or anything. I mean, it’s not as if she painted it before the Coopers celebrated Thanksgiving there. Was that all you thought was wrong? Phillip There, yeah. But I couldn’t stay long. I heard Harley and Gus approaching, talking about my “murder” and their wedding. I had to leave, so I went to see if anyone was home at the Mansion, but no one was there. Rick Understandable. Lizzie’s moved out. Alan’s in jail. And the rest are on recurring. Phillip Re- what? Rick Nevermind. They flat-out fired you. Phillip Um…okay…so after THAT I went to see if I could find you at your house and looked through the window and there was Frank and Marina, and Buzz, but you and Mel weren’t there. So I went out back, and I swear I saw Cassie and Richard… Rick You mean Jeffrey. Phillip Whatever. Jeffrey, in YOUR hot tub. Rick Yeah, they do that sometimes. Phillip WHY? Rick Oh, they have contracts, but see, *I* have the house. So they just have to randomly use my sets, move whole families in, you know. Did our DA see you? Phillip No, didn’t get that far. Harley and Gus came out back, talking about whether I was dead or not, and their wedding… Rick Yeah, that happens a lot. Phillip And I had to leave. So I decided to go the cemetery, see where everyone thought I was the past few months, and that’s where I had the STRANGEST hallucination. Beth was there, in the dark. So was Lillian, with a flashlight. And they were talking about…Oh, god, Rick. I must really be losing it. Rick (Encouraging) What did you hear? Phillp Beth was considering marrying Alan. Rick Considering? Phil, it’s scheduled for next week. Phillip WHAT? WHY? Rick For the power, pal. Phillip WHAT power? Why the hell is Beth concerned about power? Never! That’s why she stayed in Arizona way back when. And heck—I left HER all the money in my will. She HAS power already. This doesn’t make any sense unless…wait. Is this some kind of ruse. Beth knows I’m alive, right? Rick Um…no. She doesn’t. Phillip So she thinks Alan killed me…and she’s going to marry him? Rick Appears to be the case, yep. Phillip After he tried to keep us apart, paid for Bradley’s defense in the rape trial, faked her death, hastened our divorce, sicced Carl on her… Rick It’s simple, really. They’re going to do some business thing, and they need Beth to have Alan’s power of attorney or something, so they’re marrying them off. Phillip But he could just sign that over. Rick Phil—it wouldn’t be dramatic that way. (Pause). So. Why didn’t you go up to Beth? Phillip Well, I started to, but then I heard voices. It was Harley and…well, maybe I WASN’T seeing things. I thought she was with MALLET of all people, and they were carrying a crowbar. I think they were going to pry open my tomb. Rick Probably. I mean, they asked Lizzie if they could exhume your body, and she said no, but Harley’s our moral compass, so anything she does is the right move. Did they get it open? Phillip Nah, a gargoyle fell over and hit Mallet—I think Alan-Michael may have pushed it. I hope he’s not insane too. And then Gus arrived and started whining about that damn wedding again… Rick Yeah, that happens a lot. Phillip So I thought I’d go get some air by the docks but…I swear, at least THIS has got to be a hallucination. Rick What? Phillip I swear I saw Tammy Winslow making out with her cousin. Rick Oh. Yeah, that happens a lot too. So this is great news, buddy! You’re perfectly normal! You’re not hallucinating anything! You can come on home! Phillip Um. Maybe that’s not a great idea. Rick Why not? I’d love to see ya. Phillip I’d love to see you, too. And my kids, but…um, listen. I think maybe I just need more time. Yeah, that’s it. More time. Rick For what? Phillip To sort things out. Yeah, that sounds good. But promise me you’ll do me a few favors? Rick Sure, anything. Phillip Tell Beth I’m alive. Don’t let her marry Alan. Rick Okay. Phillip And please, keep an eye on my kids. Especially Lizzie. Make sure she’s not hanging out with that Tammy too much. I don’t want to come back one day and find her dating Kevin or Jason, you know. Rick Got that too. Phillip Well, it’s been great talking to you, pal. Rick Same here. Hey—where can I get in touch with you, buddy? Phillip Um…don’t worry about that. Don’t call me. I’ll call you. (Hangs up the phone). Probably never. (Pause). Now HOW can I kidnap those kids again?
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