Quotes

Quotes from:

[Phoebe Buffay/Lisa Kudrow] [Joey Tribbiani/Matt LeBlanc] [Rachel Green/Jennifer Aniston] [Ross Geller/David Schwimmer]
[Monica Geller/ Courteney Cox A.] [Chandler Bing/Matthew Perry] [Misc]

QUOTES BY PHOEBE:

Ross Geller: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe Buffay: Always.

[After Monica gets a disastrous haircut.]
Ross Geller: How's Monica?
Phoebe Buffay: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross Geller: How's the hair?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey Tribbiani: Can we see her?
Phoebe Buffay: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel Green: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: Ross, you can go on in.

Rachel Green: I've never asked a guy out before.
Phoebe Buffay: You've never asked a guy out?
Rachel Green: No. Have you?
Phoebe Buffay: Thousands of times! That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?

Phoebe Buffay: No, I definitely don't like the name Ross.
Ross Geller: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
Phoebe Buffay: Well it's just that something like this would never happen to, like, The Hulk.

[Doing a crossword pluzze.]
Ross Geller: Heating device.
Phoebe Buffay: Radiator.
Ross Geller: Five letters.
Phoebe Buffay: Rdatr.

Ross Geller: No Phoebe! You don't want to see what's under there!
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God... the foster puppets!

Phoebe Buffay: No, Mr Heckels, we're not making any noise.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe Buffay: You don't even play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, then I'll have to ask you to keep it down!

Joey Tribbiani: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to.

[A ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma]
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine.
Monica Geller: All I have is oregano and a Fresca.
Phoebe Buffay: That's okay. [Adds them.] All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Rachel Green: OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Rachel Green: Oh, honey! Don't get up! What do you need?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Rachel Green: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel Green: Okay, that is all you.

Rachel Green: So umm, how -- how are we gonna mess with them?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you could use your position, y'know, as the roommate.
Rachel Green: Okay.
Phoebe Buffay: And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality.

Alice: I want to name the girl baby Leslie. And, um, Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank, Jr., Jr.
Chandler Bing: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?
Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies, and we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, wow. That's so nice! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
Alice: ...You think about it.

Phoebe Buffay: I just went to my old apartment to get you the, the cookie recipe, and that stupid fire burned it up.
Monica Geller: No! Why didn't you make a copy and, and keep in a fireproof box and keep it at least 100 yards away from the original!
Phoebe Buffay: Because I'm normal.

BACK TO THE ::ToP::

QUOTES BY JOEY:

[Ross and Joey's first meeting]
Ross Geller: [glum] My wife's a lesbian.
Joey Tribbiani: Cool.
Chandler Bing: Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.

Ross Geller: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey Tribbiani: Everyday use...
Chandler Bing: Fancy...
Joey Tribbiani: Guest...
Chandler Bing: Fancy Guest...
Ross Geller: Two seconds!
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, uh... Eleven!
Ross Geller: Amazing. Eleven is correct!

Joey Tribbiani: What? You made a bet! A bet is a bet! You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet!

Joey Tribbiani: She thinks she's the greatest actress since... since... sliced bread!

[Carol is nursing Ben.]
Ross Geller: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it!

Joey Tribbiani: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?

Joey Tribbiani: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

Joey Tribbiani: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were HOMO sapiens, is that why they´re exctinct?
Ross Geller: Joey, they are people!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I´m not judging!

Ross Geller: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey Tribbiani: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.

Monica Geller: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey Tribbiani: I'd probably kill myself.
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross Geller: Uh, Joey... OMnipotent.
Joey Tribbiani: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

Chandler Bing: Am I a Mark or a John?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney.

Ross Geller: And, uh, then I kissed her.
Joey Tribbiani: Tongue?
Ross Geller: Yeah.
Joey Tribbiani: Cool.

Rachel Karen Green: See? Unisex!
Joseph 'Joey' Tribbiani: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel Karen Green: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joseph 'Joey' Tribbiani: I wouldn't say no to that!

BACK TO THE ::ToP::

QUOTES BY RACHEL:

Rachel Green: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy," and it *is* a big deal!

Monica Geller: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel Green: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

[Ross is wearing a white suit.]
Monica Geller: I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.
Ross Geller: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
Rachel Green: Oh! Was it how you invented the cotton gin?

Rachel Green: You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone!
Monica Geller: You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry.
Rachel Green: For once, could you not just remember every little thing?

Rachel Green: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?

Chandler Bing: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel Green: No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.

Ross Geller: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel Green: I knew.
Ross Geller: You did! Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel Green: I did.

Rachel Green: You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast?
Jill: No. What?
Rachel Green: Well... she died.

Rachel Green: Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Rachel Green: Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic!

Monica Geller: I'm Rachel! I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!
Rachel Green: I'm Monica! I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there!

Rachel Green: Oh my God! I've become my father! I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming!

Ross Geller: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry your wife is gay.

BACK TO THE ::ToP::

QUOTES BY ROSS:

Ross Geller: You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah?
Ross Geller: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.

[Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent.]
Rachel Green: What's that?
Ross Geller: Uberweiss! It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough!

Emily Waltham: Ross! Come look! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross Geller: [on the phone] I gotta go! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Monica Geller: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard.

Rachel Green: You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
Ross Geller: Then I'll use the gentle cycle.

Monica Geller: Mom and Dad have always liked you better!
Ross Geller: Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!

Chandler Bing: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross Geller: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.

Ross Geller: I think my marriage might be kind of over.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my god, why?
Ross Geller: Cause Carol's a lesbian, and I'm not... and apparently it's not a mix and match situation.

Ross Geller: I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool!"

[Peering out the window.]
Phoebe Buffay: Hey! It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving!
Ross Geller: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes."
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt!

Ross Geller: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.

Susan Bunch: There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover's Day!
Ross Geller: Every day is Lesbian Lover's Day!

Ross: It's always been you Rach...

BACK TO THE ::ToP::

QUOTES BY MONICA:

Phoebe Buffay: If you buy a mattress from Janice's ex-husband, isn't that like betraying Chandler?
Monica Geller: Not at these prices!
[Monica is holding dozens of tiny bottles of liquor.]
Phoebe Buffay: I think you might have a drinking problem
Monica Geller: Oh, you mean these? There are just... uh... these are for cuts and scrapes.

Joey Tribbiani: And look! A phone in the bathroom!
Monica Geller: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.

Monica Geller: I'm dating a guy whose pool I once peed in.
Richard: I didn't need to know that.

[Describing her friends.]
Monica Geller: Married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, married a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a box!

Monica Geller: So Chip, what do you do?
Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work.
Monica Geller: You mean you still work at the movie theater?
Chip: Yeah. I can get you free posters for your room!
Monica Geller: No thanks, I'm set!

[About Joey's pants]
Monica Geller: Whoa! Where you going in those pants? 1982?

[Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship]
Monica Geller: Can't we tell your parents first?
Richard Burke: They're both dead.
Monica Geller: Oh, you are *so* lucky!

Rachel Green: I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
Monica Geller: We both do that!

[Reading Rachel's "romance novel."]
Monica Geller: "Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.

Monica Geller: Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

[Trying to fix up Monica with a date]
Joey Tribbiani: Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you.
Monica Geller: No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet!

BACK TO THE ::ToP::

QUOTES BY CHANDLER:

[pounding a scone]
Ross Geller: Stupid British snack food!
Chandler Bing: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?

[In response to a stupid comment.]
Chandler Bing: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.

Joey Tribbiani: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means.
Chandler Bing: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code?

Rachel Green: Guess what, GUESS WHAT?!
Chandler Bing: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident?

Ross Geller: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler Bing: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy! My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT!"

Joey Tribbiani: Want some jam?
Chandler Bing: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.

Phoebe Buffay: We can be guys! Come on, let us be guys!
Chandler Bing: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms.]
Chandler Bing: Condoms?
Joey Tribbiani: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler Bing: And condoms are the way to do that?

[Monica looks fat in an old home movie.]
Monica Geller: The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler Bing: So how many cameras are actually on you?

Nurse: There are too many people in here. So if you aren't an ex-husband, or a lesbian life-partner, please leave.
Chandler Bing: Do you have to be *Carol*'s lesbian life-partner or can you be anyone's?

[About Ross' new baby]
Rachel Green: I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler Bing: I know. I still am one of these.

Chandler Bing: [dancing and singing] She's going to call me back, she's going to call me back!
Monica Geller: Don't you still have to pee?
Chandler Bing: That's why I'm dancing!

Chandler Bing: [to Joey] How do you not fall down more?

Ross Geller: So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler Bing: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."

Chandler Bing: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. ...Did I say that out loud?

Monica Geller: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler Bing: How do you find clothes that fit?

Chandler Bing: Gum would be perfection.

[Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."]
Joey Tribbiani: "Heads" should be ducks, because ducks have heads.
Chandler Bing: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?

[Rachel complaining about her father]
Rachel Green: Oh, it was horribile! He called me "young lady"!
Chandler Bing: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that!

Monica Geller: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Paul, the wine guy!
Ross Geller: Hey, Paul!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Paul!
Rachel Green: Hi, Paul!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Chandler Bing: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point.

Chandler Bing: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I got something for you.
Chandler Bing: What's this?
Joey Tribbiani: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler Bing: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.

Ross Geller: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
Chandler Bing: What, you never look down in the shower? [pause] Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler Bing: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Susie: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
Chandler Bing: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look... great job growing up!

Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler Bing: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.

[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife.]
Ross Geller: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross Geller: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler Bing: Stay out of my freezer!

[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica.]
Chandler Bing: That was pretty intense, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.
Chandler Bing: I hope he did!

Chandler Bing: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.

Ross Geller: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!
Chandler Bing: Or we can do the *actual* telephone thing.

Chandler Bing: If I'm gonna be an old lonely guy, I need a thing, a hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be "Crazy man with a snake"! Crazy Snake Man! Then I'll buy more snakes, call them my children. Kids won't walk past my house, they will run! "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

[Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony.]
Chandler Bing: Too many jokes! Must mock Joey!

Chandler Bing: Men are here!
Joey Tribbiani: We make fire! Cook meat!
Chandler Bing: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Chandler Bing: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey Tribbiani: So -- you're just Bing?
Chandler Bing: I have no name.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler Bing: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey Tribbiani: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe Buffay: Um... Gene.
Chandler Bing: It's Clint. It's Clint!
Joey Tribbiani: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye, Gene.
Chandler Bing: It's Clint! Clint!
Joey Tribbiani: What's up with Gene?

Monica Geller: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God.
Monica Geller: Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best... [crying] There's a reason why girls don't do this.
Chandler Bing: Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica Geller: Yes.

[When asked if he knows anything about chicks.]
Chandler Bing: Fowl? No. Women? ...No.

Chandler Bing: "Handle" is my middle name! Oh, Actually , it's the middle letters of my first name.

Chandler Bing: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet?
Joey Tribbiani: I know this doen't make much sense...
Chandler Bing: MUCH sense?

Phoebe Buffay: Come on, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosterone-y!
Chandler Bing: Which, by the way, is the real "San Francisco treat."

Chandler Bing: [hangs up phone] I got her machine.
Joey Tribbiani: Her answering machine?
Chandler Bing: No, no. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up

BACK TO THE ::ToP::

MISC QUOTES:

Ross Geller: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian!
Susan Bunch: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.

Monica Geller: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents?
Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.

[Joey gets caught using Charlton Heston's dressing room shower.]
Charlton Heston: Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt.

BACK TO THE ::ToP::