Title: In The End

Author: Adam

E-mail: adam_brittboy@yahoo.co.uk

Rating: PG-13, just because of the sad stuff.

Feedback: As long as you don't yell at me or hate me, yes, please! :)

Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story belong to me, they're Joss' :) I am not making any money from this.

Warnings: MCD

Pairing(s): Loosely S/X,  A/Graham, W/T, B/R

Special thanks to annalise who read it through for me and did some checkin :) I've left the spellings English, as I am English, so sorry if this bothers anyone.

I've thought a lot in these past few months about a number of things. Strange that. Me, Xander Harris 'thinking things' and thinking thoughts at that.

It's strange but after so many near death experiences in Sunnydale from Vampires, an assortment of Demons, and other Ghouls, that something as mundane and human as a stabbing would kill me.

As I lay here in the Emergency Ward unable to speak, or even open my eyes I know my friends are all around me. That Spike, my Will is right by my bed telling me to fight, to not give up. Angel, the brood-man is standing behind his childe giving comfort and strength. I'm happy those two patched things up.

I didn't want to go like this. Who would? But something with a little more flair would have been good. Something that Buffy manages to do every time.

Great time to start I know, but it's only now that I realise all the things I've missed. All the things I want to do, and I'm angry.

Angry, frustrated and annoyed as hell that I can't do them now.

Strange though. It's not what I've missed that's upsetting me but the things I've done in the past that I'll never do again. You never think about things like that when death's a thousand miles away. Unless you're really morbid that is.

Willow and me used to go for walks every Sunday, just talk about the things on our minds. And sometime, I don't know when, it just kinda stopped.

I feel a little lighter now. The weight has been lifted slightly, the pain lessened. But I want that weight back. It's what's keeping me with Spike. Anchoring me to life.

The weight comes back and I can focus again.

I have to say my life did take a lot of turns, the stabbing being one of them.

For starters who'd have thought Angel would marry a guy? And an ex-commando guy by the name of Graham? The first time I saw them together is a good memory. Spike was with me. I remember him growling softly in my ear, after trying to get my attention for the third time, but I was way too busy drooling. If you'd seen them together you'd agree, an incredibly drool-worthy thing.

Carrying on from that all my friends got in good relationships after a while, even me. Well Willow was already with Tara, and that's all good. But Riley came back and this time Buffy really tried, and they made it work. Angel and Graham have each other, and it's weird how two quiet guys can make a relationship work. Weirder still is how they can be so quiet in public but so loud in the bedroom. Well, we'll leave that to the historians. To finish off, I got Spike.

Angel and Graham became my best friends over time, besides Spike and I have to say the times we all spent together became some of the best in my life. So many fun times. I'm sad to say that I can remember only a few of the good times now, but the bad times. . . they're the ones that stay with you.

The time Will nearly died when the chip malfunctioned.

All those nights Angel pulled away from Graham after slipping back into the 'I don't deserve you, this, anything...' kinda mood.

The day Giles died. Well, I wouldn't say that was a clear memory, but more a blur. Weeks passed and things were still a blur. I'd lost a father, a mentor, and a friend.

Before now I've never given a second thought about heaven and hell. Just never believed they existed. Strange considering what I lived with on a daily basis for years. But, if there is something else, something...good, and they let me in; I know a beautiful Angel will be there waiting for me.

Cordelia.

She died.

The visions eventually wore her down, killed her, and boy did Angel take a turn for the worse in the 'guilt' area after that. I don't blame him. The way she died, the pain she was in near the end. Though, what I remember the most wasn't the terrible screams of pain, nor the way she pulled and ripped at her hair in an feeble effort to dull the pain. No, it wasn't any of that. It was that conviction plain on her face. She was not some airhead cheerleader anymore, she wasn't even Angel's secretary. She was an important part of the 'mission'. A very important part of the mission. The mission that killed her.

More than that though, Cordelia was a friend.

Her death got various reactions from everyone. Angel, of course went deeply back to his welcome feelings of guilt.

Graham, who barely knew Cordelia, was saddened by her death, as were we all, but put more effort into comforting Angel. Buffy and the girls were sad, Willow more so than I expected. But it was Spike's reaction I never expected. I found out much later that they talked a lot. Shared barbs with one another.

Will is still so much the poet he was hundreds of years ago, and his heart, once accepting, and letting someone in is so vulnerable.

Cordelia dying didn't just hurt him; I remember him kneeling by her lifeless body. He stroked her soft hair, held her small, icy hands in his. I watched, so did Angel and the rest of his crew. We watched as he spoke to her, like a child to their dead pet. He told her she would be all right, how he would make it better. That he would take away the hurt, the unending pain that Cordy endured on a daily basis.

Even in death she was the most beautiful girl there'd ever been. It took us a long time that night to get Spike to leave her. Even in our room two floors away he seemed to be still there with her.

God, I hope he doesn't do that with me.

I want to wake up.

To tell him not to.

To tell Angel he has to take care of Spike.

To tell him how vulnerable my Will is. I want to but, I can't. The pain is almost gone, barely a twinge now. I feel so light, so at rest. I feel some comfort at knowing Angel is there. Someone who knows Spike who will take care of him. Both Angel and Graham will, I know that.

With that small reassurance I feel myself stepping closer to Cordy. I don't want to go, not yet. I want to be with Will, over at Buffy's place researching for the next apocalypse. Or in LA listening to Graham and Angel argue over Angels' overuse of leather, and Grahams' strong support animal rights. Oh, the first time that argument happened. I've never laughed so much in my life from just looking at Angels' face. Then Spikes'.

I know my little internal dialogue is in bits. Jumping from place to place, but hey, I'm dying. You want Shakespeare you've come to the wrong place.

What I don't want to think about, now more than ever is that I'll be forgotten.

Not today, or tomorrow or even in the next few years, but eventually. Cordy, well she hasn't been but she's barely mentioned anymore and that hurts. I know people don't talk about her because of the pain it brings back, the memories are still too fresh, but you need to talk about people who are gone. It keeps them with us. A bit judgmental of me to say that when I never spoke about her, but, I guess I've only just realised

Spike...Will, he won't forget me. Ever. Neither will Angel or Graham. It's more the -out of mind- thing that worries me. Angel will be comforting Spike and then telling him he should move on, that 'I' would want that. Well, I know it sounds selfish but I don't. I mean, I do. Of course I do. I'm not that selfish, but I don't want to think of Will with anyone else.

He's mine.

I want him happy. But if he's happy with another then where will I be in his heart? Will I be a piece of it that he will never recover from, like all those romantics hope? Or will I be replaced?

Beautiful Will. What kind of person am I? Thinking of myself. He deserves happiness, so do all my friends. I hope when I become an Angel (presumptuous aren't I?) but if, or when I do, I hope I become a lot more mature and fair in my wishes for my friends and my Spike. One thing is certain, ; he needs to stay around for a very long time. He needs good friends and taking care of.

Okay...I was just going to say I feel almost...O-Kay, I think dead would be the word, but then I get a sudden flash of pain.

Almost as if I was just there, just about to leave everything I've ever known....move on....but something stopped it.

Another strike of pain. The weight piling back on, but almost as soon as it's back it's gone again. Gone, and back. Going on and on. It's still happening but the weight is never as heavy now.

The pain is almost gone.

Everything's almost gone.

I wish I could have kissed Will goodbye. Given my favourite witches a big hug. Told Buffy how amazing I think she is. I wish I could have just had a foursome with Will, Graham and Angel just once. Naughty wish but hey, I'm dying. I wish I could have said goodbye to Dawn. And Will. Well, I wish I could have done everything to, for and with him. I wish we never had to leave each other, but wishing is just a way of making an excuse for something you really should have done.

So the best I can do is hope that they all know I love them. That they can somehow feel it. That they all live long and happy lives. I want them to remember me, but remember the good times, not the bad.

I feel so sleepy now. I never thought I'd die in a total cliche of every 'tearjerker' flick, but I am. I'm feeling so light, so serene. I need some weight. I need to be pulled back, but there's nothing there.

Nothing is holding me there.

There is no pain. But. . . there's nothing else either. No flaming pits with some stereotypical Devil waiting for me. No white tunnel to suck me up into the clouds where I know Cordelia would be. It's just nothing.

I'm going into nothing.

End