Part Seven  

The best place to start was at the center of the ankle on the inside of
the right foot. The key was to use just the tip of the knife, to make a
thin, clean line which drew enough blood to hurt but not enough so that it
would continue to bleed throughout the day. Just deep enough to hurt with
every step, with every rub of fabric over the rawness. The slower the
better, drawing the exquisite pain out as long as possible. Once the
initial cut was made then to drag along the top of the foot, tracing just
inside the outline of the shoe, again causing the reminder of the pain,
the almost but not quite good enough, echo throughout the day. Slowly,
slowly, taking as much time as possible, dragging it out. Fast was fine
sometimes, when time was short, or someone could walk in, or the pain was
just too much. But it was better when it was slow. Finally tracing
around the back of the leg, closing the circle, a ring of fire to make it
through the day.

Or maybe the inner thigh. That was always good, almost no one saw that. 
That was best for short, parallel strokes, perfectly matched streaks that
were purely private.

Or to turn the flat of the knife along his sides, not cutting really, more
like scratching the surface of the skin, rubbing it raw. That way when he
stretched he could feel it.

Maybe the back of the knee, three long vertical slices on each leg. There
was no way to do anything without ripping the wounds back open. The faint
trickle would wind its way down his leg, leaving traces on his skin.

He couldn’t decide, couldn’t pick which would be best. There was only one
thing of which he was sure. Not his wrists again, never his wrists again. 
To do so would destroy the perfection of the last time he had opened a
vein in that way.

Xander closed his eyes tighter, trying to picture each cut in his mind, to
draw forth the memory of steel, the sharpness of glass, the harsh scrape
of metal, the rough edges of his fingernails. He wanted it, wanted it so
badly he could taste it, could taste his blood in his mouth. He jerked
his head up slightly when he realized that he could actually taste blood
in his mouth, that he was compulsively chewing through his lower lip. He
opened his eyes, seeking for something to focus on, to block out the pain,
the need ripping through his veins. Eyes darting frantically, everything
he saw only heightened his grief.

Finally, his eyes came to rest on a black leather duster that had been
unceremoniously dumped on the floor. He stared at it, focusing on the
small creases and rips he could see. He poured everything he had into
memorizing every part of it visible to him, wanting to be able to draw
this picture into his mind to block out everything else that wanted to
rise, unbidden, before his eyes. He could almost smell the scent of the
cigarettes mingling with the leather. He certainly could smell them in
the hair of the vampire who was wrapped protectively around him.

Xander had never expected to fall asleep. Usually the nights after his
father attacked him, he would toss and turn, pain of body and soul too
much to allow any rest. But last night he had dropped off as soon as his
head hit his pillow. He knew full well that it wasn’t the pain medication
which had caused him to drop off. It was the feel of Spike reaching with
strong arms to pull him close to that hard body, the way they had just
seemed to naturally fit together. He hadn’t known what to expect when he
had asked Spike to hold him, but Spike’s immediate and unflinching drawing
of Xander to Spike’s chest had not been it. There was no hesitation, no
snort, no comment, no quirk of an eyebrow. Just a murmured question, a
check to make sure the vampire wasn’t hurting Xander.

It was that question, that show of concern that was pinning Xander to the
bed when all he wanted to do was walk over to the sink, pick up one of the
knives lying there and begin carving his flesh. The need burned through
him, every second he was lying still torturing him. He wanted that
release, craved it, anything to take away the sounds and images which
ripped into him. If he could not take it away, block out the images
somehow, then he would be forced to face them. Forced to hear the sound
of the door at the top of the stairs being kicked open. Forced to see the
blur of his father’s hand in the corner of his eye as he was yanked from
the couch by the back of his neck. Forced to hear the sickening crunch as
his nose shattered when his face hit the floor. Forced to feel the blows
to his ribs. Forced to smell the alcohol drenching the man straddling his
back. Forced to experience that pain again as his father pounded into
him. No, it was too much. He had to have some release. His hands began
to rhythmically clench the sheets next to him, his palms literally aching
for the weight of something, anything he could use to burn the memories
from his mind.

But he wouldn’t, he couldn’t. He would not hurt Spike like that. He
didn’t know what had happened, couldn’t begin to imagine when the two of
them had crossed some invisible line between enemies to friends. He had
no idea at what point they had moved to something beyond that. All he
knew was that Spike understood him and that he understood Spike. Not
completely, but understood nonetheless. All he knew was that Spike cared
what happened to him, that Spike didn’t judge him, that Spike didn’t think
any less of him even after seeing what had happened. He knew the rest of
the gang cared too, it was just they didn’t know. So, no matter how hard
it was, he was going to stay here and not reach for the only solace he
knew. He began to tremble slightly as the pain from his injuries washed
over him. His whole body ached, his face throbbed, breathing was an
exercise in agony. But the bottle containing the Darvocet was on the
sink, right next to the knives. He couldn’t go over there without
reaching for a knife. He would take this pain instead. He trembled a
little more violently, unconsciously tightening his grasp on the arm
around his waist.

Spike’s eyes shot open. The scent of agony hit him sharply, rising in
waves from the body pressing into his. The sudden grip on his arm had
pulled him from sleep, yanked him from some of the most peaceful sleep he
had experienced in decades. It was the soft beating of Xander’s heart
that lulled him, the sound sinking into his bones. He had covered Xander
in the night, trying to draw that peace into himself. Now Xander was
lying in his arms, shaking and in pain. Spike carefully slid his arm
from beneath the boy’s body then he began stroking Xander’s hair.

“Xander, pet, what is it.” He lifted his head up, shocked to see the
tension tightening Xander’s features. “Luv, what’s wrong?”

“It hurts,” came the stuttering reply as Xander kept his eyes tightly
closed.

Spike glanced over at the clock. 2:34. They had been asleep for nearly
ten hours. Spike hissed. He had carefully read the directions for
Xander’s pain medication and knew that he was allowed one pill every four
hours. Two. He had missed two.

He pulled Xander up with him as he sat up, taking care not to jostle
Xander’s ribs. He noticed that Xander’s eyes were still shut. “Well, the
medicine’s right on the sink, I’ll just get you some. Have you been up
long?”

“About an hour”

Spike hissed, how could he have slept while his boy was in such pain. 
Cursing himself, he reached out to run press a cold hand against the black
eyes which Xander was now sporting, hoping that would ease the pain.

“Why didn’t you go get some earlier, you can have one every four hours you
know.” He felt the shaking continue.

“Couldn’t, couldn’t go over there,” the reply whispered almost inaudibly.

“Why not, can you walk, hell, why didn’t you wake me,” Spike carefully
leaned Xander back, propping a pillow behind his back. He went to the
sink then shook out the medicine, grabbed a glass, filled it with water
and hurried back. Handing the glass and pill over, he watched as Xander
gulped it down, nodding gratefully.

“Next time, you wake me,” Spike could hear the note of command in his
voice and saw Xander’s head flinch back. He softened his tone. “If you
hurt too much to walk, then I’ll just go get it, do you hear me?”

“It wasn’t that, I just couldn’t go over there.” Xander opened his eyes
but kept his gaze locked on his hands. “I, I keep my cooking stuff there
and there’s a knife right out next to the bottle.” Xander heard his voice
fade down, took a deep breath and forced himself to look at Spike who was
standing frozen next to the bed. “If I go over there then I’ll use that
knife and I can’t, I won’t.” Xander’s voice began to drop again. “I
promised you I wouldn’t and right now that’s all I want.”

Spike’s mouth opened slightly as he heard the words. It took everything
in him not to reach down and crush Xander to him. He realized that he had
expected to wake to find himself alone with the fresh scent of Xander’s
blood in the air. He wouldn’t have blamed the boy, he could barely deal
with what had occurred and it hadn’t happened to him.

Xander continued to look up at Spike, trying to see what reaction his
confession would provoke. He didn’t want to anger Spike, but he also had
to tell the truth. He saw Spike’s mouth open, then suddenly snap shut as
Spike nodded once, as if he had made a decision. Turning on his heel, he
walked over to the duster, kneeling down and reaching into one of the deep
pockets. He saw Spike straighten, stare down at something in his hand. 
By the perfect line of Spike’s back he could tell the vampire was upset by
something. Whatever it was, Spike turned back and returned to his
position by the bed. Spike simply stared at him for a minute then settled
next to Xander. Reaching out, Spike took Xander’s right hand and turned
it over. Looking straight into Xander’s eyes, Spike let whatever he had
been holding drop from his hand to Xander’s.

Xander looked down as a small weight fell into his palm. It was a key. 
It was the key to the lockbox. Startled, he looked back up to see that
Spike was staring levelly back at him.

“Go ahead, if it will make you better. I’ll clean you up when you’re
done.”

Xander just stared at the vampire. He could clearly see the pain in
Spike’s eyes, but also understanding. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. 
The trust this displayed was beyond anything Xander could have imagined. 
He began to shake his head. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t cause any more
pain. He was tired of hiding, tired of turning inward for release. Now,
for the first time since he could remember, there was someone else he
could tell, someone who would listen, someone who knew. No matter how
much he wanted it, he wasn’t going to go back to the loneliness of the
blade.

“No. I won’t.”

Spike was shocked by the words. He could smell the bloodlust coming from
Xander, could see how desperately he needed to escape the pain. Even
though it cut him to the quick to do this, he wanted Xander to know that
whatever he needed, Spike would get. Even if it was this.

“Xander, you know I don’t want you to,” Spike stopped. Anything, whatever
he needed. Spike started again. “If you need to, well, then I’ll be here
to make sure you don’t go too far.” The image of Xander lying drenched in
blood on the bathroom floor shimmered before his eyes.

“No.” The answer was stronger this time. “No, that’s not the answer. 
Remember you said you would find me something else to do.” Spike nodded,
confused. Xander closed his eyes and took a deep breath and continued. 
“Well, let’s try this. I’ll stop pretending it didn’t happen as long as
you tell me one way you’re going to kill him at breakfast each morning.”

A matching, vicious smile curled over both their lips as they locked eyes
again. Spike nodded. “Think I can manage that, pet.” Xander just nodded
back.

Xander slowly stood, feeling some of the tension begin to drain from the
room. He moved to the bathroom, craving a nice, long, hot shower to work
out some of the kinks. He saw that Spike had followed behind him. Xander
turned and poked the vampire in the chest.

“Hey, not going to share everything with you. Gonna get cleaned up so I
can start trying to find a place.” He was looking forward to it. He knew
that he wouldn’t be able to afford much, his current construction job was
going to end in a few months, but anything had to be better than this. He
had been always been terrified to move out before, afraid of what might
happen if he was alone with his thoughts. But he wouldn’t be alone now. 
Besides, he no longer had any illusions about his chance of survival if he
remained in the basement. Either his father would kill him or he would
kill himself, intentionally or not. He shut the bathroom door, slowly
stripping down and beginning the tedious process of removing his bandages.

Spike grabbed his cigarettes the second the bathroom door closed. 
Frowning, he realized that at some point over the last two weeks he had
begun to smoke only when the boy wasn’t present. He moved over to the
refrigerator and took out a bag of blood, heating it quickly. He drank
slowly, turning the events of the last day over in his mind. Somehow,
somewhere, he and Xander had developed a bond. He knew Xander felt it as
well. He had no illusions. He was falling for the boy, falling fast and
falling hard. The boy **no man** had hidden depths, more courage than any
being that Spike had ever met and the purity of his soul was a beacon in
the darkness of Spike’s universe. He wanted to pull it into himself. If
he concentrated hard enough, he could still faintly taste Xander in his
mouth. Spike was fairly certain that was the moment that had inexorably
linked them. There was always a bond created when a vampire drank but it
was usually extinguished when the life drained from the victim or when the
person was turned. But this was different. Spike hadn’t taken from
Xander but had only received what was freely offered, what had practically
been forced on him. The taste of Xander’s blood had given him a glimpse
of heaven, a split second’s chance to stand again in the sun.

Xander carefully dried himself off, taking care not to look too closely in
the mirror. His face was a mess, the bandaging holding his nose in place
not quite managing to cover the two **well, no reason to go half way**
black eyes. **Oh yeah, I would rent to me** He dressed quickly and came
out to find Spike staring vacantly into space, smoke trailing from his
hand.

“Well, do I look like an upstanding, reliable citizen,” Xander called
over.

Spike looked up, unable to help the smirk at the picture Xander presented.
“Actually, you look like you got caught out with another lass and your
woman threw you out on your sorry arse. After braining you with a lamp of
course.”

“Ah, good, my clever disguise has worked.” Xander managed a grin back. 
That was actually a pretty good story. Explained the nose, explained the
rush. Shaking his head ruefully, he realized that the vampire was proving
to be a bad influence.

He walked over, grabbing his wallet and car keys from the kitchen counter,
his eyes briefly lingering over the knife he belatedly realized Spike had
purposefully placed there. Swallowing, he caught Spike’s eyes. “Well,
I’m off. Not promising anything this palatial, but somewhere else.” He
saw Spike open his mouth to speak. “And if we can’t move in tonight, then
I promise we can grab a hotel somewhere. I don’t want to stay here
either.” He saw Spike nod once. Good, he had guessed right. “Don’t
forget your end of the deal. Not attempts at parent slaughter.” He saw
the flicker of gold in Spike’s eyes, but he ignored it. “Right, off then,
I’ll be back before the sun goes down.”

Spike followed Xander to the door, reluctant to let Xander leave his
sight, even though he knew there was no way to follow. They stood in the
doorway for a second, then Xander pulled the door open as little as
possible, trying to keep the sun out. Turning, he suddenly ran the back
of his hand down Spike’s cheek.

“Promise to be here when I get back?” 

“Yes. Promise to come back?”

“Yes.” With that he walked out the door.


Five hours later Xander came tearing down the stairs. He had found the
perfect place. It was the loft of an old warehouse. He knew Spike liked
warehouses, all that room and decay and old machinery. The rent was
incredibly cheap and Xander had a feeling it was because the building
wasn’t really supposed to be used for apartments. But there was an
elevator up, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a big kitchen and a large open
space. The last occupants had even left some furniture, fairly ugly but
free. Only one bed though, a king size in what was obviously the master
bedroom. Not that Xander particularly minded, he had come to like the
feel of Spike in his bed. His mind immediately stopped at that thought. 
No, wouldn’t even consider that now. All he could think of as he looked
over each apartment was whether or not Spike would like it, could hear the
sarcastic little comments as each potential landlord tried to sweet talk
him. His thoughts had centered on Spike all day long. Whenever he had
begun to feel anxious or to think about what had brought him to this
point, he thought of the duster and immediately calmed down. He didn’t
want to think about this. He just wanted to enjoy it.

“Spike, hey where are you, wait until you see this place,” he called as he
opened the door. He stopped, his jaw dropping in shock. The basement had
been stripped down, the only thing still out was the black cloth draping
the windows. Everything else had been neatly packed and boxed, with lists
taped to the top. Not that there were many boxes but still. He saw the
blond head bent over what was obviously the last box, finishing the list. 
A delighted grin crossed Spike’s face at the look of shock and gratitude
on Xander’s face.

“What,” he innocently asked as Xander stood gaping in the door. “Bloody
hell, whelp, mind closing the door there, sun, undead, fire, remember.” 
He had started almost as soon as Xander left. It was partly to give him
something to do but mostly to help relieve his anger at the fact that
Xander had been forced to go alone.

“Spike, man, thanks. This is great.” A matching grin moved across
Xander’s face. “Especially since we can move in as soon as the sun goes
down.” This was unbelievable, all they had to do was pack up the cars and
go.

“So, found a place did you?” Spike could sense the pride coming from
Xander. His boy looked much better, standing taller and generally acting
more confident. Much better. This is how it should be.

“Yeah, it’s great. It’s the top floor of an old warehouse,” Xander saw
Spike perk up at that. “It’s huge, we have three bedrooms, two bathrooms,
a kitchen, a huge open area, even some furniture. And guess what, the
windows are these huge shutters so we won’t have to board them up or
anything.” He knew he was babbling but he was excited. “Rent’s very
reasonable too. And there’s cable all hooked up. I think it’s being
stolen actually, but I knew that wouldn’t bother you.”

Spike felt himself sharing in the boy’s excitement. The place did sound
great, actually, except that three-bedroom part. **No more sharing the
bed then** And he couldn’t help but notice the way Xander kept saying we.

“So, it’s ours then,” he casually said, watching closely to watch Xander’s
reaction. He saw Xander’s hand rise and automatically flinched back,
looking for the stake. Instead, he saw a silver gleam arch through the
air and it was only his reflexive grab that allowed him to catch the keys.
He looked down, seeing the large silver S on the keychain. Confused, he
looked up to see Xander holding an identical set, only his ring had a
large X.

“Figured this way we wouldn’t get them mixed up.” They just grinned at
each other for a minute, the excitement growing in the room. They were
leaving.

Spike looked away first, as the sudden urge to reach over and kiss Xander
was almost absurdly strong. He could not imagine that going well. “So,
what are you going to tell everyone?”

“About what,” Xander replied, busy pulling the boxes over to the door. He
thought he was going to burst. He was leaving, not on a stretcher, not in
a body bag, but on his own. He felt like he could take on anything in the
world.

“About your sudden ability to fly,” came the snotty reply. “About moving,
won’t the gang be curious?” Spike had wondered about this. How would
Xander explain this, wouldn’t those idiots he called friends be able to
put two and two together and get something other than twenty-two.

“Oh, got that all figured out, I’m just going to tell them that I got a
raise and had been looking for awhile and finally just decided to go and
do it today.” Spike felt a swell of pride. Xander was taking to lying
like a natural, tailoring his story to what the audience wanted to hear. 
“And what are we going to tell them about our living arrangement?” He
didn’t really want to ask, didn’t want to ruin the moment, but he wanted
to know how far Xander had thought this through.

“That’s none of their bloody business,” came the instant reply, Xander
grinning once again. **Oh great, only two weeks and I’m already sounding
like him**

Spike’s eyebrow raised at that but he couldn’t agree more. Looking out the
one exposed corner of the window, he saw that the sun was down. “Well,
I’m going to start on the boxes, can’t be out of here fast enough for my
tastes.”
==============================================================

Three hours later an exhausted human and an equally exhausted vampire lay
flat on their backs on the bed.

“Bloody fucking hell, glad that elevator is there,” Spike grunted out.

“Uh huh,” came the exhausted reply.

“It didn’t look like that many boxes,” Spike continued.

“Uh huh”

“Of course if someone hadn’t insisted on moving the couch around what was
it, six or seven times, you chit.”

“Uh huh”

“And if someone hadn’t insisted on going grocery shopping.”

“Uh huh”

“And then looking for towels and a shower curtain. You do realize that
you will pay for making me go to Wal-Mart don’t you.”

“Uh huh”

“And if someone hadn’t then run around like a loon shouting, mine, it’s
all mine.”

“Uh, Spike, that was you.”

“Yes, well. Do like the place, pet.”

“Good, I thought you would.”

They lay there side by side. Spike finally pushed himself up to look down
at Xander’s face. It had been quite fun. First, Xander had gone up the
stairs to tell his parents he was leaving after swearing that if he wasn’t
out in three minutes then Spike could come in after him. It had only
taken thirty seconds. Spike had pressed himself to the door, turning all
his attention to listening to the voices. Xander had simply marched in,
said “I found a place, I’m leaving. I’ll make sure my mail get
forwarded.” The sound of his keys slapping down, then the slam of the
front door. Spike liked that touch.

Next, he had followed Xander to the apartment. There was an awning to
park the cars under downstairs, then they had each grabbed a box and come
up the elevator. Xander had made Spike close his eyes when they got to
the door and then had led him into the apartment. Once they were inside,
Xander had quietly said “Ok, you can look now”. He liked it the instant
he saw it. He had turned to Xander and thrown an arm around his
shoulders. “Well, you would never know from how you dress, but it looks
like you have taste after all.” Xander just laughed then took Spike on
the tour, ending in the bedroom. Neither one commented on that there was
only one bed in the entire apartment. They had quickly moved to unpack,
and on one of the trips Spike realized that Xander was quietly unpacking
all their clothes and other personal belongings in the master bedroom. It
was clear that he still expected Spike to share the room with him.

It was at this point that they gotten a little carried away. Xander’s
stomach had growled and they realized they had no food. Their shopping
trip had started as nothing more than a quick run for milk, bread and
cereal. That had lasted about two minutes. Xander had grabbed some
bananas, then Spike found the cookies. Then they both found the ice
cream. After returning to the apartment and grabbing some dinner, Xander
had gone to shower. That’s when they realized there were no shower
curtains. There had been a fifteen minute argument about whether or not
Spike would go to Wal-Mart which had ended with Spike agreeing to go after
Xander promised to let him scare some people in the parking lot.

They had gotten carried away at Wal-Mart as well and were now the proud
owners of dishes, glasses and towels. They were half way home when they
realized they had forgotten the shower curtain. Back to Wal-Mart. 
Another fifteen minute fight over which one to get before they realized
that there were two showers so that Xander could have fish and Spike could
have all black. Out the door and to the car before they realized they
needed sheets. Back into Wal-Mart where the cashiers were beginning to
grin at them. Another argument. Finally a compromise, black sheets with
a herringbone comforter. Back to the car then back home.

Home. Spike still found it hard to believe he had a home, had someone to
stay with, someone who wanted him there. He sighed.

“Why the Angel brooding,” Xander yawned out.

“No comparing me to that pouf,” Spike growled in reply. “Just glad to be
here.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” came the sleepy reply. “Bedtime.” 

“Yup.”

They lay in comfortable silence. 

“Spike,”

“Hmmmm”

“Shouldn’t we get under the covers.”

“Suppose so”

A few more minutes passed.

“Xander”

“Uh huh”

“If we’re going to get into the bed we have to move.”

“Uh huh”

A few more minutes then Xander began to shiver. 

“Ok, that’s it. Cold, you might not be but I am.” Xander stood,
carefully pulling off his shirt and grabbing his favorite flannel pajamas.
He went into the bathroom, for some obscure reason not wanting to change
in front of Spike. He quickly relieved himself, brushed his teeth and
padded back into the bedroom. He found Spike under the covers, with a
pile of clothes by the bed.

**Oh lord, I hope he’s wearing boxers, or something, anyway** went across
Xander’s mind as he got into bed. He turned on his side then felt Spike’s
arm tentatively curve around his waist. Xander felt a smile ghost across
his face as his eyes fell shut. He scooted backwards, pressing his back
into Spike’s chest, letting his arm fall on top of Spike’s, hearing the
faint whisper of silk on the sheets. **That’s ok then**

“Night, Spike.”

“Night, Xander” 

“Spike,”

“Yes, luv.”

“Thanks for coming with me.” 

“Anything for you, pet.”

“You too, Spike, anything for you.”

Spike hesitated for a second, then placed a gentle kiss on the base of
Xander’s neck. Xander just let out a contented sigh. Home. They were
both home.

Part Eight  

“And only then will I shove his balls down his throat. After all,
wouldn’t want to cut the screams off early, now, would we,” Spike was
practically bouncing up and down as he finished his description. He
wouldn’t be happy until the bastard was dead, but at least in the meantime
he could content himself with crafting a daily horror show. He tried to
maintain eye contact with Xander the entire time, drinking in the rage in
his boy’s eyes, the unconscious manner in which he would lick his lips as
if he could taste the blood, the way the heat slowly infused Xander’s
face, adding a ruddy glow. It was beautiful.

Xander stopped with the spoon halfway to his mouth, the milk dripping back
into the bowl. He wasn’t sure what he had expected when he had asked
Spike to start each day with a description of his father’s death, but he
had never anticipated his own response. He had hung on every word,
clearly seeing it in his mind’s eye, feeling the longing burning through
his body. He had tried, just for a second, to feel some remorse at his
reaction but just couldn’t do it. Not when he still hurt all over.

“Hmm, that was,” he had no words to describe what that was. He started
over. “That was very graphic. Only one question, can I pour the burning
oil in his eyes?”

Spike thought the grin would split his face in two. “Sure, pet, but,
trust me, it’s more fun to use the pliers. The oil reeks, gets all over
your clothes.”

“’S okay, I’m used to weird smells. You do remember that we live on a
Hellmouth? And that I fought that stench demon?” Xander grinned back,
taking a moment out of inhaling his cereal. He was starved, he felt like
he hadn’t eaten in a week. Glancing over, he let out a groan.

“Well, gotta go to work. This should be fun.” His eyes were almost
swollen shut and his nose wheezed with every breath. His ribs were
better, but still protested every time he turned too fast.

“You can’t be serious,” Spike stared back, appalled. There was no way
that Xander could go to work. He worked at some type of construction job
and Spike had watched as it took Xander ten minutes just to put his shirt
on. “There is absolutely no way that you can work today.” Spike stalked
around the island counter they were leaning on, moving to block Xander’s
path to the door.

“Have to go, someone has to pay the rent,” came the reply. “I already
called off a few weeks ago, don’t want them to think I’m unreliable. 
Besides, we’re doing interior trim work right now and it’s not that
strenuous.” Xander turned and poured what was left of the milk down the
sink, feeling the stare burning into the back of his head.

“And what are you going to say when they ask what happened to you?”

“Auto accident,” Xander grinned. “Hey, this lying thing, this is kind of
fun. Think that I’m going to have to start taking notes when you do it.” 
He turned back, reaching for his jacket and keys. He really didn’t want
to go to work but he meant what he said. He didn’t want to be considered
a problem. He had finally found a job he was good at and that he enjoyed.
So he was going to work, even though he just wanted to crawl back into
bed.

“About rent, mate, meant to talk to you about that.” Spike began to spin
his lighter round and round, careful to keep his gaze down. “Don’t want
you to think that I’m not pulling my weight around here, so I’ll just be
chipping in my share.”

Xander looked over, shocked. This was completely unexpected. He hadn’t
even thought about that when he was looking at places, he was just
grateful that Spike had agreed to come with him. Besides, he couldn’t
picture Spike paying for anything, chipped or not.

“Spike, that’s, you don’t have to do that. Besides, I mean, that’s not
why I wanted you to move in with me.” He stopped for a second then looked
over to see Spike still completely absorbed with the lighter. “And well,
not to put too fine a point on it, it’s not like you can just go get a
job. And I don’t want you stealing anything, so, just, don’t worry about
it.”

Spike looked up at that. “What, did you think I was going to steal? 
Bloody hell, luv, I have money.”

“Yeah, the money you got from Buffy and Giles, I know. But I don’t want
you relying on them either, so. . .” He stopped as heard Spike start to
chuckle.

“Not that pittance. Christ, did you lot really believe that I spent all
the last century just wandering about, looking for a meal? I mean, give
me some credit. I stored away my share, pretty well off actually.”

Xander felt his mouth fall open and quickly snapped it shut. **Gods, he
just is one surprise after another**

“Well, if you have money, then why did you take it from Giles and Buffy?”
Xander was growing more confused by the second. He was starting to find
that to be his usual state when talking to Spike.

“Bit of fun that, having a Slayer and a Watcher paying me, the Slayer of
Slayers. Too good to pass up.” A grin at the thought. It had been quite
amusing, playing the little marionette, seeing they actually believed he
was broke. “For hell’s sake, I’m Angelus’s childe and that wanker could
squeeze blood from a nickel. And believe you me, better to listen to him
go on and on about interest and dividends and diversification and all
sorts of mindnumbing shit than to sit and watch him brood. Picked it up
after awhile.”

Spike thought back to the quiet call he had made a few days before while
Xander was at work. He actually was a bit more than well off. He wasn’t
kidding about Angelus, he might be a soul-having, brooding git, but he
understood money. Besides, the magic of compound interest worked wonders
when you were immortal. He still had accounts in England that he had
established back in the early 1900’s. Just one of them was enough to keep
he and Xander in comfort for the next twenty years or so. He had made
some arrangements, liquidated some funds, planning on finally moving out
of the crypt and into somewhere nicer. It had taken all his restraint not
to simply tell Xander that he would take care of finding them a place and
then packing Xander off to the best hotel he could find, arranging for the
constant attention that Xander deserved. He hadn’t, though, knowing that
Xander didn’t need to be pampered, no matter how much Spike may want to. 
He knew that Xander needed to feel independent, needed to be in control,
needed to stand on his own. So Spike had let Xander find them a place,
let Xander make that choice. And the whelp had done a good job. He
really did like it here. Would like it more when they had some more
furniture, a bigger television, a new stereo.

Xander just continued to stare at Spike. Every time he thought he knew
something about the vampire, something would happen which turned that
assumption on its head.

“Well, then why did you live in the crypt? I mean, I would’ve found a
nice place or something,” Xander’s voice trailed off.

“Well, didn’t really want to broadcast it. Besides, had to do everything
I could to make people think I was still the Big Bad. Image counts you
know. Live in a cushy joint, people think you’re cushy. Live in a dank,
dingy crypt, why that’s a man.” Spike smirked back. “Worked on the lot
of you now didn’t it?”

Xander just shook his head. “Fine, if it will make you feel better, then
we’ll split the rent.” That really would help and Spike seemed sincere. 
Looking back at the clock he let out another groan. “Okay, now I’m going
to be late. See you around 7:00 probably.”

Spike trailed Xander out the door of the apartment and into the small
hallway leading to the elevator. He lifted up the gate, knowing Xander
was still incredibly sore, no matter what front he put up. “Right, I’ll
be here.” Xander nodded his goodbye and stepped into the elevator. Spike
stood in the hall until he heard the sound of Xander’s car leaving. 
Sighing, he turned and walked back into the apartment. He headed straight
into the bedroom and tumbled into bed, not that he was tired, but because
it smelled like his Xander.
===============================================================

Xander raised his head sleepily from the pillow when he heard the sounds
of keys in the door and the quick beeping of the alarm. Sitting up, he
stretched and then padded into the living room. Over the last two months
they had fallen into a comfortable rhythm. Xander would get up around
6:30 and Spike would get up with him, grabbing some breakfast of his own. 
Their deal was still in effect and over breakfast Spike would tell some
gruesome tale, killing Xander’s father in ever more creative ways. Xander
now understood just how Spike had gotten that nickname, he had never known
that a simple railroad spike could do those things to someone. Then
Xander would go to work and Spike would go back to sleep. Spike usually
woke up around 2:00 or 3:00 and he would spend the time reading and
smoking, pacing around or working out in the part of the large living room
which they had converted into a training area.

Xander usually got back between 6:00 and 7:00 and then they would have
dinner. After that they would join the others on patrol, always taking
both cars, arriving at different times and from different directions. 
None of the rest of the gang knew that Spike was living with Xander and
neither of them had any desire to let them in on the secret. They both
knew that would only cause complications. After patrol they would come
back, watch television or a movie. They would talk for hours about
everything and nothing. Finally, Xander would go to bed around 11:00 or
12:00 and Spike would head back out. He would go hunting for some demon
or driving or go to grab a drink at some bar. Xander didn’t mind, he
understood that Spike needed to be away, needed to spend time on his own. 
Spike usually came back in a few hours anyway and Xander would wake,
listen to the stories of Spike’s night. Then they would go back to bed. 
They slept curled together every night, Spike’s arm draped protectively
across Xander, Xander holding just as tight. His nose had healed
perfectly and the scar on his left arm was almost completely gone. 
However, he was plagued by nightmares and Spike’s presence helped calm
him.

Xander had come home one day after they had been there about a week to
find the security system installed. Spike had just shrugged and quirked
an eyebrow at Xander’s questions. “Don’t feel like being snuck up on,
pet,” had been his only comment. However, Xander knew this was just one
more sign that Spike was determined to protect him in any way he could. 
Spike had also surprised Xander by arranging for all new furniture and a
very large television and accompanying surround sound system. It was a
good thing that they had the warehouse to themselves, because neither one
of them were happy unless the sound was so loud the walls actually shook. 
The living room now looked nice, a large black leather sofa facing the
television with a low table in front of the sofa. Two matching chairs sat
facing each other on the other sides of the table. Two tall floor lamps
cast diffused light up from either side of the television.

Xander walked into the kitchen to find Spike staring into the open door,
the light highlighting his cheekbones. He was coated in some dark
substance and a large ax was slung over his left shoulder.

“So, looks like you had a busy night,” Xander leaned on the counter,
drinking in the sight. Drenched in bile or not, Spike was still a
striking figure.

“Yeah, ran into a troll. Stupid bugger. Big though, thought I was going
to break my hands before I finally knocked him out.” Spike leaned into
the refrigerator, propping the ax on against the sink. **There it is** 
He pulled a can of Guinness out and popped the tab. He had thoroughly
enjoyed the fight, relishing a chance to beat the shit out of something
for a good long time. He took a deep pull on the ale and then stretched.

Xander just stared, his mouth dry. He was becoming more and more aware of
that cool body behind him every night. It would be difficult not to
notice how unbelievably sexy the vampire was. Xander knew exactly when he
realized that he was in love with Spike. It was sixteen days before. It
was about 2:30 Saturday morning and he and Spike were siting on the couch,
watching Mothra and getting drunk. This was their typical Friday
night/Saturday morning routine, but that night, their usual drunken banter
had devolved into tossing popcorn at each other. After being repeatedly
pelted on the side of the head, Xander had grabbed the bowl, turned and
started to tip it over Spike’s head. Spike’s hands had shot up, grabbing
Xander’s wrists and Xander had fallen straight onto Spike’s chest. He had
landed with his face mere inches from Spike’s and for one moment they had
stayed there, staring at each other. Xander felt his breath catch, could
feel the heat building between them. He thought Spike was going to kiss
him and at that moment he had wanted nothing more. Then Spike had pushed
him back up and stalked off into the kitchen. He came back a few seconds
later with more beer and they fell back into their usual bantering, like
nothing had happened. But Xander had stayed awake in bed for hours that
night, thinking about the look that had been in Spike’s eyes, wondering if
it was the same as the one in his own. He didn’t care that Spike was a
guy, that Spike was a vampire, all he knew was that what he felt for Spike
was the purest emotion he had ever had. He had no secrets from Spike,
Spike knew everything about him. And knowing all that he did, Spike still
wanted to be around him.

However, Xander had no idea what to say or what to do. Hell, he had taken
to hoping that Spike could smell it on him, that Spike would just do
something to show that he was aware that Xander wanted him. It was
driving him crazy.

Spike continued to stretch, feeling the warm pull in his muscles. He was
trying to relax, to work out some of the tension returning to his body now
that he was back with Xander. It was becoming more and more difficult to
stay in that bed with Xander and not just pull him into his arms and kiss
that delicious mouth. He had come so close a few weeks ago. He and
Xander had been watching a stupid movie, when the notion to throw popcorn
at the whelp had struck him. The boy had taken it for a moment, then had
tried to dump the whole bowl over him. He had automatically reached up to
stop him and then Xander had fallen onto his chest. His eyes had widened
when Xander’s face lay so close to his, all he had needed to do was lift
his head slightly and he could have finally tasted that mouth. But he
couldn’t. No matter how much he wanted to, he would never do that. He
could never treat Xander the way that, that thing had done. Spike felt
the familiar burn of fury begin again at the thought. Yet another thing
that beast had torn away. Xander had stared back at him with an
indescribable look and, on very few occasions, Spike had let himself
believe what he saw there was desire. But that thought was too precious
and Spike kept it locked away.

“Anything else happen tonight?”

Spike opened his eyes and looked down, going still at what he saw. Xander
sat on one of the stools he had made at work so that they could sit at the
island counter. His hair was messier than usual and his voice was dusky
with sleep. But that wasn’t what caught Spike’s attention. Xander was
shirtless. Spike usually slept in just his boxers, but Xander usually
wore both boxers and a shirt. Spike rarely was treated to the sight of
Xander’s body, only stolen glimpses now and then. But here was Xander in
all his glory, skin golden and muscles tight. A wave of desire hit him so
strong he thought his knees would buckle.

“No, not really.” Spike knew he was staring but couldn’t stop. He grew
harder and he quickly pulled his duster forward to hide the bulge.

“Oh, well,” now Xander yawned and stretched and Spike thought his pants
would split in two. “Then I’m going back to bed. You coming?” Xander
called over his shoulder as he made his way back to their room.

**Almost** “No, pet, still a little jacked up from the fight. I do want
to clean off this slime though, so I’ll shower in the other bathroom, you
just go on to bed.” Spike licked his lips, praying Xander would just got
to bed so he could go to the other bathroom and jerk off, thinking of
Xander’s face the entire time.

“Don’t be long,” came the sleepy reply. **Miss you when you’re gone**

**Oh, I don’t think that will be a problem, pet** “I’ll be there in a
mo.”

With that the frustrated vampire headed for one bathroom while a
frustrated human headed for another. The locks on each door clicked shut.
If anyone had been in the apartment they would have heard two sets of
murmured words, two sets of quiet exclamations, two sets of cries
strangled in two throats. And they would have heard two names drop from
two sets of lips.

“Xander”

“Spike”

==========================================================================
Xander’s hands shook as he traced his fingers down Spike’s face yet again.
He needed to touch the cool skin, to feel that Spike was still there with
him somehow. He couldn’t search for a pulse, couldn’t watch for the rise
and fall of Spike’s chest. He could only touch the skin, somehow able to
feel Spike still there with him.

They had been out on patrol earlier that evening and despite Spike’s best
efforts, Xander had been paired with Buffy. Xander and Spike were both
unhappy with this chain of events, neither was content unless they could
watch out for each other, but they didn’t want to be obvious about it. So
Xander had gone with Buffy and Spike with Tara and Willow. It had been a
fairly slow night and Xander had been forced to listen to Buffy obsess
over whatever new guy she was seeing. Xander couldn’t bring himself to
care. All he wanted to do was be with Spike. Then, cresting a hill, they
had heard screaming. It was Willow.

They both took off at a dead run, Xander trailing behind Buffy. They ran
into a sea of blood. There were bodies everywhere. Willow, Tara and
Spike had run into a nest of fledglings and though the new vampires didn’t
know how to fight, there had to be thirty or forty of them. Xander heard
Spike snarling, could hear the frantic sound as Spike was finally grabbed
and held down, the other vampires viciously attacking him. Xander felt
something snap inside him and he tore into the vampires holding Spike,
trying to take away what was his. His mind became a sea of red as he
hacked and slashed his way to Spike, the lessons he had absorbed during
their morning talks ringing through him. He vaguely heard Buffy pulling
Willow and Tara away, saw some movement out of the corner of his eye as
Buffy fought next to him. He didn’t care, he just had to get to Spike. 
Finally, he reached down, grabbing the vampire who was feeding from Spike
by the throat and trying to tear the vampire’s windpipe out. He growled
and slammed the stake home. Panting deeply, he realized that Spike was
lying on the ground, perfectly still. Xander had dropped to his knees,
his hands shaking.

“Spike, Spike, Spike, wake up,” Xander saw the blood drenching his
vampire. He reached down to shake him. “Spike, get up.” He heard the
waver in his voice, felt the tears form in his eyes.

“Xander, what are you doing,” Buffy said. “Get up.”

Xander had snarled again and shook her hand away. “Willow, Willow, is he
still alive or undead, whatever, just tell me, is he?”

Willow had dropped down next to Xander and slowly placed her hands on
Spike. “Yes, just, he’s very hurt.”

“Can we move him?” Xander was shaking. He had almost lost Spike. He
could still lose Spike.

“Why do you want to move him?” Buffy voice drifted down to him. “Just
leave him Xander, if he wakes before sunrise he’ll be fine, otherwise,
well, no great loss.” Buffy wasn’t even looking at Xander, she was busy
making sure Tara was okay. She was stunned when Xander slammed her into
the wall of the crypt.

“You bitch, you would leave him here to die.” Xander poured all the
contempt he felt into his words.

“Xander, what’s wrong with you, that’s SPIKE, it’s not like he’s. . .” 
Buffy stopped as Xander turned his back to her and returned to Spike’s
side.

Xander just reached down and lifted Spike from the ground, surprised by
how light he was. He began walking as quickly as he could back to where
he had left his car. He could sense the girls trailing behind him but he
didn’t care, he just wanted to get to the car, get away from them so that
he could feed Spike, could wash the blood off and watch until he woke up. 
Xander didn’t even consider what would happen if Spike didn’t wake up.

Buffy moved to stand in front of him and he just stepped around her. 
Buffy frowned and reached out, grabbing onto Xander’s arm and using all
her strength to stop him. Xander glared down at her.

“Xander, what are you doing, did you hit your head or something? Why are
you helping Spike?”

“Because he’s my friend, because he helped me. Now get out of my way,
Slayer.”

Buffy flinched back at the coldness of the voice. Xander just yanked his
arm away and turned his back on them all. Long minutes later he reached
his car and quickly settled Spike on the front seat. Spike had not moved
the entire time. Xander flew back to their apartment, panic ripping
through him. Finally, he had gently placed Spike onto the couch. He
raced to the kitchen, yanking open the freezer and grabbing a packet of
human blood he had placed there as an emergency stash. He ripped it open
and threw it into the microwave, in agony at how slowly the seconds ticked
by. Finally, it was warm and he raced back to the couch. Tilting Spike’s
head back, he poured the blood into Spike’s mouth. At first, it had just
rolled down Spike’s chin and Xander’s panic began to spiral out of
control.

**No, no, gods, please whatever you want, just give him back to me,
please, please, drink.**

He wiped Spike’s chin with his shirttail and poured some more blood into
Spike’s mouth. This time, Spike swallowed and Xander felt the tears begin
to fall down his face.

“That’s right, drink, it will make you better, that’s it a little more.” 
Xander quickly fed all the blood to Spike and then went back for another
bag. He quickly heated this as well and returned to the couch. Spike
still hadn’t moved, but this time he drank with no hesitation. Xander had
settled Spike back onto the couch, then had gone to clean him. He
couldn’t bear to see the blood covering Spike’s body. He carefully pulled
the torn clothes away, dressing Spike in Xander’s favorite t-shirt and
sweats. Still, Spike didn’t move. Xander settled next to him on the
couch, a hand on the vampire’s chest, the other caressing Spike’s face.

“Please, wake up. You have to wake up. I never told you just how much
you did for me, just what you mean to me. You have to wake up.” Xander
whispered the words over and over, his whole body shaking. “Please.”

There was still no response. Finally, Xander could take no more. 
Reaching out blindly, he found the edge of the glass topping the table. 
He ripped his wrist open and pressed it to Spike’s mouth.

“Drink, please, you did it before, drink.” Nothing. He began to sob. 
“Don’t you leave me here, I need you. I can’t be here without you. 
Drink.”

His eyes rolled back in his head as he felt the sudden pull. It was
everything that he had remembered, everything he had dreamed about. 
Spike’s mouth, pulling Xander into him. Better than anything. His head
fell back as he grew faint but still he did not pull away. All, Spike
could drain him dry. As long as Spike was safe. He felt cold arms
suddenly grip his back, felt his arm being yanked away, heard a rough
gasp.

“Xander, Xander, speak to me. Why did you do that, I could have drained
you,” Spike’s voice. Spike’s shaky voice. Spike talking to him. Xander
forced his eyes to open.

“You’re awake.” Xander smiled as his world tilted back into place.

“Yes,” Spike replied. His mind was reeling. He remembered the attack,
remember his rage as he was held down, his terror at being torn from
Xander, at leaving his love. Then nothing. Then Xander’s voice, hot
tears on his face. Then that taste again, the heat of Xander pouring into
him. It had yanked him out of whatever limbo state he had been in. Then
panic as he felt Xander’s heart slow, felt the life bleed from him. He
had forced him away. Now Xander was propped against the back of the
couch, ghostly pale.

“Xander, why did you do that, I could have drained you, never do that,
never again.” Spike’s voice cut through the room. **Never, never lose
you, never, stake myself first**

“You wouldn’t wake up, I brought you back and you wouldn’t wake up. I had
some human blood in the freezer and heated it and fed it to you, but you
wouldn’t wake up. I couldn’t, I couldn’t lose you, I couldn’t bear it, it
was all I could think to do.” Xander reached out, tracing over the ridges
still present on Spike’s forehead.

Spike pulled back slightly, he hadn’t realized he was still in his
gameface. He pulled Xander into a tight embrace, rocking slightly, trying
to calm them both.

“Luv, I would have woken up, it’s just something vampires do to heal, we
kind of go into a comalike state, usually lasts about a day, then we wake
up fine, hungry but fine.” Spike could feel hot tears streaming down from
where Xander’s face was pressed into his shoulder. “You didn’t have to do
that.” Pulling back slightly he leaned his head down to catch Xander’s
eye. “Promise me that you will never do that again.” Now it was his
voice that cracked.

Xander shook his head. “No, I can’t promise that.” 

Spike’s grip on Xander’s back tightened. “Xander, please, promise me. 
What if I hadn’t been able to stop, what if I had,” he couldn’t finish the
sentence. Spike began to shake again.

“It would be worth it.” 

Spike started back at the words, looking down to see the truth burning in
Xander’s eyes.

“What?”

“It would be worth it. If you survived, it would be worth it.” Firm
conviction in Xander’s voice.

“Why,” Spike whispered. “Why would it be worth it? If you were gone then
I wouldn’t want to survive anyway.” He went still as he realized what he
had just said. **OH SHIT** He had just all but admitted that he loved the
boy. He closed his eyes as he waited for Xander to pull away.

“That’s why,” Spike’s eyes shot open again as he heard Xander’s voice. 
“That’s why it would be worth it. If you were gone I wouldn’t want to be
here either.”

Xander looked straight into Spike’s eyes, gathering all his courage. “I
couldn’t live if you weren’t here.” With those quiet words he leaned
forward and pressed his lips to Spike’s, pouring all the other words he
couldn’t say into the kiss. He didn’t care if Spike pushed him away,
didn’t care if he was mocked and humiliated. He had almost lost the only
person he loved, and he was not going to waste any more time.

Spike felt Xander’s mouth on his, felt Xander’s tongue trace his lips. He
abandoned all pretense and fell into the heat. He opened his mouth,
returning passion with passion. He pulled Xander closer to him, trying to
merge into him. The blood was nothing compared to this. The sweep of a
tongue in his mouth, warm hands running through his hair, small moans of
desire, his, Xander’s, theirs. Finally, they broke apart, resting their
foreheads against each other.

“Spike,” Xander whispered, reaching for that last bit of courage, trying
to say the words.

“Xander,” his name sighed out with the same longing, the same desire.

“Spike,” Xander leaned back, reaching up his hand to cup Spike’s face. 
Spike leaned into the touch. They stared at each other for eternal
seconds.

“Spike,” again the sigh of a voice, everything that needed to be said
contained in that one syllable.

“I know,” came the quiet reply. “So do I”

Part Nine  

The fire burned through him, stripping away all else. Through all his
years, all the time he had wandered the globe, all the places he had been,
all the flesh he had touched, nothing had ever burned him like this. It
was like tasting the sun, like jumping into an ocean of lava. The purity
raced through his veins, washing all aside, everything but the feel of the
warm body in his arms, the taste of hope and truth in his mouth, the scent
of love and desire that surrounded them both. Spike buried his hands in
Xander’s hair, locking their mouths even tighter together. He trailed his
tongue along Xander’s lower lip, pressing down slightly to request
entrance. He wanted Xander. He needed Xander. He would do nothing that
Xander did not request, he would never take, only ask. Even now as every
fiber in his body screamed to take the boy, to finally know the feel of
that hot, hot skin against his, another part held back. No. The small
part of his mind that still retained some control was holding him back. 
He couldn’t believe that Xander could kiss him back, that Xander could run
his hands roughly down his back, that Xander could open his mouth and seek
out his tongue in return. Not after everything that had happened. Spike
was awed at the strength it showed. No matter how much he wanted to
plunge into Xander, to become one, he would wait. He had to wait. He
would never hurt his love.

Xander groaned into Spike’s mouth. So cold, so right. Everything he had
dreamed and better, so much better. This was right. His eyes were
tightly closed, concentrating everything he had on this kiss, on the feel
of Spike’s tongue finally dancing with his, twining round and round. He
tried to pull Spike even closer, though their bodies were already flush
against one another. He couldn’t get enough, couldn’t be close enough. 
He wanted Spike, he wanted to be part of him, to join together, to be one.
Finally, he pulled his mouth away, gasping for air, a faint part of him
damning the fate that made him need to breathe. Panting, he lowered his
head back to Spike’s shoulder, feeling the dampness from his tears. His
hands greedily roamed over Spike’s back as he began to kiss his way up
Spike’s neck, reveling in the sounds it provoked, the little whimpers and
moans, the husky sound of Spike crying out his name. “Xan,” breathed on a
sigh, “Oh, hell, there, right there, Xan.” He began to tug at Spike’s
shirt, the need to feel the skin against his overpowering.

Spike could feel his eyes roll back in his head as he felt the warm path
of Xander’s mouth along his jawline. Every time he thought it was
impossible for him to grow harder, Xander did something new with his
tongue that took him to greater heights. **Bloody hell, where did the
whelp learn how to do THAT** “Yes, that, there, again, Xan. Bloody
hell.” **Bloody hell, so good, don’t stop** He felt one hand begin to
tug his shirt out of his jeans as the other moved to the neck line,
pulling it away from his throat. Xander’s mouth greedily moved along the
stark line of his collarbone, pausing in the hollow. Xander began to lick
long, slow paths back and forth, back and forth, in a firm, suggestive
rhythm. Spike thrust his hips up in ecstasy. Finally, pulling himself
together, he ran his hands up Xander’s sides and wrapped a hand around
each shoulder, gently tearing Xander away. He heard the protesting
whimper but held firm. He had to stop them now. Another minute and he
would be too far gone. He didn’t want to stop, he wanted to lavish
attention on the body of his love, wanted to bring Xander to the pinnacle
of delight over and over, wanted to worship Xander the way he should be. 
But he had to stop them. He had to know this is what Xander wanted. It
had to be Xander’s choice.

“Luv,” Spike swallowed hard, trying to collect himself. **Love. Say it. 
Love** “Luv,” he started again. He looked straight into Xander’s eyes
and was stunned by what he saw there. Desire, desire for him. Desire,
longing and love. Spike felt an almost overpowering urge to crush his
mouth back down, but he held firm. This needed to be said and needed to
be said now. “Please, are you sure? Do you want this?” He saw the
sudden cloud over those beautiful eyes, felt Xander begin to draw back
slightly. He just gripped harder, pulling Xander back. “I need to know,
do you truly want this? We don’t have to do anything more, we can do
whatever you want, we will do only what you want. I just,” Spike’s eyes
dropped down for just a moment, gathering strength. He took in a
purposeful breath and then slowly let it out. **Here goes nothing** “I
just need you to know that you don’t have to do anything for me. I need
you to know that I would never hurt you, never make you do something you
don’t want,” his voice cracked now as the image of Xander’s father loomed
over him. “I would never,” he felt the tears well up, choking him. 
**Damn it, stop it you nancy boy. This is not helping** “I would never
hurt you. I will never hurt you.”

Xander felt his heart stop for a moment at those words, could actually
smell the truth radiating from Spike’s body. **Is this what it’s like for
him, to know everything with all his senses** His hands had moved to
Spike’s waist when Spike had leaned him back and his fingers were trailing
along the firm edge there, longing to move over that hard stomach, over
the perfect ripples along Spike’s abdomen. But, at Spike’s words, he
reached up and placed a hand on each side of Spike’s face, forcing the
vampire to look into his eyes. He understood why Spike hesitated and it
nearly broke his heart. If he had any doubt about Spike’s true feelings
before, they were gone now. He held William the Bloody in his arms, the
legendary Spike, the Slayer of Slayers. A Master. A vampire who lorded
over others, who roamed wherever he wanted, taking whatever he wanted. A
powerful lord, whose very name invoked fear and respect. And he was
stopping Xander when it was obvious that he wanted nothing more than to
continue. He was stopping to ask permission, no, not even that. He had
asked for nothing other than assurances that this was what Xander wanted,
letting him know that Xander was in control, that the decision was
entirely his. Xander drew in a shaky breath. Yes, there was a part of
him that was nervous, somewhat from the memories of what his father had
done, but more because he had never made love to a man before and he could
only imagine how much experience Spike had. But the rest of him had never
been so sure of anything in his life. He wanted this. He had finally
found his home, found the place where he was whole and true.

“Spike, listen to me. I want you. I’ve wanted you for a long time. I
wanted you before I could admit to myself that I did. It’s been all I
could do for the last few weeks not to just turn over in bed at night and
throw myself at you.” Xander saw the wonderment in Spike’s eyes, the
relief and joy but there was still some hesitation. Again, his heart
twisted as he realized the only reason why Spike would still hold back. 
There was only one thing he could think to say to make Spike sure, to make
him realize Xander was telling the truth. Xander took in a deep breath
and then continued. He knew there would be no going back from this, and
the thrill of it was almost more than he could bear. He leaned forward,
placing a gentle kiss on Spike’s lips. Pulling back, he caught Spike’s
eyes again.

“Please, Spike. Make love to me. Show me what to do. Teach me how to
please you. I want you, I need you, I’ve never needed anything more. 
Please.” Leaning back into Spike, he caught the vampire’s mouth in a
frantic kiss, plunging his tongue past those cool, cool lips, praying
Spike could taste the desire and truth. He let up slightly, leaving his
lips pressed against Spike’s. “Please.”

Spike groaned and grabbed Xander by the back of his head, devouring that
mouth. He hadn’t been prepared for that response, for the open look of
lust and the pure taste of desire. They attached one another, mouths
desperately roaming over whatever part they could touch. Spike sank back
on the couch, pulling Xander on top of him, draping that heavy, beautiful
weight over him. Xander’s hair fell forward, caressing his cheek as
Xander moved back down his throat. He could feel Xander’s hardness
pressed into his leg, the heat of it calling to him. Then all thoughts
stopped as he felt Xander’s hands go under his shirt, moving up his sides
as Xander returned to his mouth. The kiss was slower this time, deeper,
longer, still desperate but in a different way. This time the desire was
for knowledge, the passion was to learn the taste of one another, to
memorize it for later.

Slowly they drew apart as Xander’s need to breathe interrupted again. 
Spike took the opportunity to trace a line down Xander’s throat, heart
constricting when he saw Xander lean his head back, heard the gasps of
pleasure his actions provoked. The trust was instinctive, there was not
even the faintest scent of fear. Spike moved his hands under Xander’s
shirt, finally caressing that strong back, daring to trace the lines that
he had memorized as they lay together in bed. Spike suddenly realized
that they were writhing against each other, hips moving together,
unconsciously rocking back and forth.
Xander suddenly pulled them both upright, shocking Spike with his
strength.

“Okay, time out.”

“What is it, pet?” came the immediate, concerned reply. “Too much, bloody
hell, I’m sorry, why didn’t you say something?” The hands which had
continued to stroke Xander’s back slowed, then pulled away. “What do you
want?”

Xander smiled at that. “You, of course. That’s pretty obvious.” He was
so hard it hurt. “It’s just that you haven’t actually answered me. How
about it, Spike? Make love to me?” He wasn’t sure why but he needed to
hear it. He could feel Spike’s erection pressing into him, he knew full
well that Spike wanted this too. It was just that he couldn’t believe
that anyone who knew about what his father had done could truly want him,
not really believe it. He needed to hear the words.

“Xander,” Spike traced a finger down his face. “Luv, I truly want nothing
more. Just, are you sure?”

Xander felt a sudden rush of desire. It was true, Spike wanted him,
wanted him as much as he wanted Spike. “Oh, hell, yes, I’m sure.” The
response was growled out.

“C’mon then, let’s take this to bed. Want to do this right and if we
don’t go now, don’t think I’ll be able to walk.” Spike hoped the joke
would cover the sudden nervousness he felt. It wasn’t so much that he was
concerned about his performance, hell, he had been having sex before his
soon to be lover’s great-great-grandparents were born. And he had learned
from some of the greatest lovers in the world. It was just that he wanted
this to be perfect, wanted to erase whatever images that bastard had left
in Xander’s head.

“Yeah, that would be good idea.” At that they slowly untangled themselves
and stood up, both wincing slightly. Reaching out, Spike gently took
Xander’s hand and led him into their bedroom.

Xander could feel the nervousness rise in him, could feel the increase of
his heartbeat. He wasn’t afraid, just a little concerned that it would
hurt. He was more worried about pleasing Spike. What did he know about
pleasing another man? He knew what he liked, but that was about it. 
**Stop it, stop it, this is what you want. It’ll be okay**

Entering the bedroom, Spike pulled Xander close and began kissing him
again, slowly, carefully. He could feel the tenseness in the body next to
him. He knew that Xander was nervous, whether from the memories or from
some other reason. He thought he knew what it was. He was practically
certain that Xander had never been with a man before and Spike still
remembered how he had felt, even as a vampire, the first time he had been
with Angelus. Insecure, unsure, intimidated. He trailed tiny kisses up
to Xander’s ear.

“Relax, luv, this is for you. All for you. I don’t want you to think
about me, to do anything for me. This is your night. All for you.” 
Spike purred deep in his chest, thinking of what he would do to this
beautiful man in his arms, all the ways he had to make him beg for more. 
He kissed the soft spot behind Xander’s ear, then slowly moved them to the
edge of the bed, drawing Xander down next to him.

Xander shuddered at the gentle touch of Spike’s lips, calming under the
hypnotizing sound of Spike’s voice. He relaxed, letting the sensations
wash over him. He felt himself being pushed backwards so that he was
lying on the bed, Spike hovering over him.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. I want to please you, to make you feel good.
That’s all I want,” Spike’s voice low in his ear as he was gently pulled
up so that he was lying completely on the bed, a pillow suddenly appearing
under his head. Xander nodded, his eyes still closed, unaware that his
lips were slightly parted and a look of bliss was on his face.

Spike resumed his slow exploration of Xander’s mouth, pressing closely
into Xander’s side. He trailed his hand slowly across Xander’s chest
while Xander’s hands traced down his sides. He felt a questing hand trace
across his waist, felt Xander tug at his shirt again. Never letting up
from his attention to Xander’s mouth, he slowly pulled Xander’s shirt up,
gradually revealing the golden flesh. Xander, in turn, pulled at Spike’s
shirt. Finally, Spike pulled back, parting them just enough so that they
could each pull the shirts over the others head. Spike grabbed the cloth
in his hands, tossing it across the room. He feasted on the sight below
him. Xander glowed in the low light of the bedside lamps, shining like a
star.

Xander finally opened his eyes, needing to see Spike’s body. The familiar
white skin, the perfect hardness of that chest, the faint line of hair
disappearing into those black jeans. His mouth went dry as he stared.

They stayed locked like that for a few minutes, hands tracing across each
other’s flesh until the desire for contact overwhelmed them. This time it
was Xander who pulled Spike onto his body, crushing the vampire down onto
him, craving that coolness to bathe his heat.

Spike moved down Xander’s throat, kissing a meandering path to Xander’s
nipples which had already hardened into stiff peaks. He slowly licked a
circle around the hard nubbin on Xander’s right side, watching his lover’s
face the entire time. Xander gasped and arched into Spike’s mouth. 
“Christ, Spike,” the broken words panted out. “Please, so good.” Spike
took the flesh further into his mouth, lapping slowly across the nipple
while his hand stole up to Xander’s left side. He ran the flat of his
palm against that hard, hot flesh and another gasp stole from Xander’s
mouth. He slowly licked across, finally bathing the other nipple in long,
hot kisses. Xander began to moan, unconsciously thrusting his hips up and
down.

Spike began to kiss his way lower, longing to drag this out further, but
knowing that Xander was getting close to the edge. He hesitated when he
reached the waistband of Xander’s pants, wanting to just rip them off, but
needing more to be sure this was what Xander wanted. His concern,
however, was quickly answered when Xander lifted his hips from the bed as
he reached down to unzip his pants.

“You gonna help or what?”

Grinning, Spike grabbed the legs of Xander’s pants and in one strong move
tore them from Xander’s body. Xander’s boxers came off with them, and
Spike drew in a sharp breath as the feast which lay before him. Xander
was so very beautiful. Spike smelled the sudden scent of embarrassment
and hesitation, and he immediately leaned down for a gentle kiss.

“Xander, you are so beautiful. So perfect, so pure.” Spike murmured into
Xander’s ear. He began to run his hands down Xander’s side. “I want you
so much.” He felt the tension begin to ease from his boy’s body, and
Spike took the opportunity to sit up, moving to the foot of the bed.

“So beautiful.” The words were sighed out as Spike began to kiss his way
up Xander’s legs. “You taste so good.” Slowly, slowly he kissed along
Xander’s calves, moving from leg to leg, leaving no spot untouched.

Xander reached out blindly, grabbing the sheets, desperately trying to
control the sensations flooding him. This was better than anything he had
ever dreamed. His thoughts had been occupied almost exclusively with
daydreams about Spike for some time, but this was a million times better
than any fantasy. He gasped again as Spike lavished attention on his
thighs, drawing ever closer to the hard length pressed into his stomach. 
He swallowed and concentrated, wanting to endure for as long as he could.

Spike moved up Xander’s body, ravishing every inch he could find. **So
pure, like tasting the sky** He knew he was torturing Xander, but he
wanted to memorize every part of him, wanted to pull it into himself. 
However, the rise in Xander’s heartbeat and a sudden change in his scent
warned him that he was close to going too far. Settling himself between
Xander’s legs, he moved so that his mouth hovered over the tip of Xander’s
cock. It was long and straight, as perfect as the rest of Xander. The
tip was already shiny with pre-cum and the scent of it blew through
Spike’s senses. He gently reached up, caressing the long length was
careful fingertips. Watching Xander’s face, focusing all his senses on
feeling any hesitation coming from his lover, he lowered his mouth and
took the flesh into his mouth.

Xander gasped, helplessly arching upwards. He almost came right then. He
had never felt anything so good in his life. Not even Anya had affected
him like this. He didn’t know if it was the way Spike was caressing his
balls or the way Spike’s tongue trailed and traced around the sensitive
skin at the tip of his prick or if it was the fact that it was Spike, the
man he loved more than life itself, sucking him deeply down that made it
so intense. Waves of pleasure poured over him and he lost all ability to
think, could only feel. He whimpered meaningless sounds, a look of pure
exhilaration on his face.

Spike sucked him in slowly, taking Xander as far into his mouth as he
could. He moved slowly, knowing that Xander wouldn’t last long. He set
up a steady rhythm, moving up and down the shaft, trailing his tongue
around the hardness. He could feel the tension building and he quickened
the pace, one hand grabbing the base while he turned all his attention to
the tip. He felt the build, heard Xander’s breath coming in long, hard
pants and then heard Xander call his name, “Spike, Spike, god, Spike” and
the strong, salty taste poured down his throat. He greedily sucked up
every drop, the intensity of the taste the same as Xander’s blood. When
he had wrung out every drop he could, he moved back up to lie next to
Xander, pulling him close, dropping light kisses into his hair.

Xander leaned up and grabbed the back of Spike’s head, yanking him into a
strong kiss. He could taste himself in Spike’s mouth and the mixture of
their flavors pulled a strong moan from him. One. They were one. He
slowly realized that Spike was still wearing his jeans, that he could feel
Spike’s hardness against him. Reaching down, he quickly unbuttoned the
jeans, yanked down the zipper and started to tug the impossibly **no
perfectly, you KNOW what they do for his ass** tight jeans down. Spike’s
hands reached down to stop him.

“No, pet, for you, all for you. Don’t worry about me,” Spike muttered
into his mouth. He didn’t want Xander to feel he had to do this. As
aroused as he was, he was content with the look of pleasure on Xander’s
face. **I did that, I made him that happy**

“I want to worry about you. I want you. Please, Spike,” Xander’s voice
trailed off a bit. He didn’t know how to ask this. He wanted it, he
wanted Spike to fill him, to claim him, to possess him. Xander felt the
blush creep over him, but he was determined. He needed this, he wanted
this. “Please, Spike, I want you. I want you to. . .” Again his voice
sank away. **Oh, fuck this** “Spike, I want you inside me.”

Spike went still. He hadn’t expected this. He had long resigned himself
to the fact that if by some miracle he would ever have a chance with
Xander that this would not be part of their relationship. He could not
imagine Xander trusting anyone enough to allow that, let alone Xander
wanting anyone to do that.

“Xander,” now it was Spike’s turn to hear his voice break. “Xander, are
you positive? I don’t want to. . .” Spike locked eyes with his lover,
unable to continue. **To what, hurt you, make you think of that monster,
do anything to you that creature did, remind you of him in any way** “I
don’t want to hurt you. I can’t hurt you.” Spike’s voice shook. He
wanted nothing more than this. He couldn’t claim Xander, not the way he
should be since he couldn’t bite him and this was the next closest thing. 
But he wouldn’t hurt Xander, couldn’t hurt Xander.

“I know, the chip,” Xander went to continue but was stopped by a finger
on his lips.

“No, not the chip. I don’t want to hurt you. I could never hurt you. I
will never hurt you.” The sincerity burned in those blue eyes, tearing
into Xander’s heart.

“But I want this. I really do. Spike, I want to be part of you, I want
you to be part of me.” A smile suddenly crossed Xander’s face. “Besides,
you said this was all for me. Well, I want you in me. Spike, I really
do. I need to, I want to, believe me.” Xander ran his fingers down the
side of Spike’s face, trying to convince him.

Spike just stared down at the disheveled body below him. Xander meant it.
His hands started to shake as the love this represented overwhelmed him. 
Nodding, unable to speak, he leaned down and gently kissed Xander.

“If that’s what you want. . .” A sudden thought struck him and he fell
back on the bed, groaning. **Of all the bloody luck** “Um, pet, don’t
know how to put this, but I, well, I don’t have anything to. . .” Spike
stopped unsure of how to broach this topic.

Xander just grinned suddenly, reaching out to his side and opening a
drawer in the bedside table. Spike just stared as Xander leaned up,
rummaged around and then dropped something on the bed between them. 
Spike’s jaw dropped in shock when he saw the tube of lube. When he looked
up, he saw Xander grinning from ear to ear, a pleased expression in his
eye.

“Pet, when did you get that?” It was the only possible question he could
think to ask.

“Last week,” came the answer, laughter obvious in the voice. “Didn’t know
if it was good planning or wishful thinking, but, be prepared, you know.” 
Xander just smirked. He had been in the grocery store the previous week,
picking up milk and cigarettes and the Godiva white chocolate ice cream
Spike was addicted to. Walking down the wrong aisle and daydreaming about
licking the ice cream off Spike’s chest, he had caught sight of the box
out of the corner of his eye. On sudden impulse he had thrown it into the
cart and, when he came home, had moved it to his nightstand when Spike
went out that night.

“Good planning.” Spike grinned back at him. The smiles slowly faded and
were replaced by a rising heat. He heard Xander’s heartbeat quicken as
Xander’s hand began to trail along his chest.

“So, let’s put it to good use then,” the words spoken slowly, but with
conviction.

“Are you absolutely positive?” Spike had to ask one last time, had to be
sure. His answer came when Xander pushed him back and ripped off his
pants.

Xander inhaled sharply, openly gaping at the sight of Spike lying naked
before him. Spike was perfect, there was no other way to put it. Long,
lean, hard. Perfect. He reached out a hand and grasped Spike’s shaft,
desperate for contact. He heard a sudden hiss and saw Spike’s face
contort in pleasure. Wickedly grinning, he began to stroke his vampire,
listening to the sounds coming from underneath him. After a minute,
however, he was suddenly forced onto his back, Spike pinning his arms
above his head.

“Keep that up and you won’t get your wish,” was growled into his lips. 
Xander just nodded.

Spike began to deeply kiss him, reaching out for the lube. If Xander was
sure, and he could tell that Xander was sure, then Spike was desperate for
this as well. He carefully squeezed out a generous amount and thoroughly
coated his the fingers of his right hand. He drew Xander’s legs up and
pulled him flat on the bed. He could smell the nervousness and strength
in equal measures.

“I won’t hurt you. I promise. I’ll make this feel so good.” Spike began
to whisper as he reached down slowly, finally meeting the burning flesh. 
“Just tell me if you don’t like it and we’ll stop.” Xander just nodded,
his eyes falling shut.

Spike gently pressed one finger forward, moving slowly, taking care to be
as slow as he could. He pushed carefully, gasping a little at the
tightness and heat he found. He moved slowly, until his finger was
completely inserted. He probed gently, finally encountering his goal. He
gently stroked Xander’s prostate, delighted by the sudden cry beneath him.

“Christ, so good, do that again.”

Smiling slightly, Spike repeated his gesture and Xander arched up under
his ministrations.

“More, please, more.”

Pulling out carefully, Spike added a second finger. He entered more
quickly, Xander’s passage already relaxing. Spike began to carefully
thrust in and out, making sure to stroke Xander’s prostate each time. 
Xander quickly hardened again and his hips began to move in time with
Spike’s hand.

“Please,” the words fell from hot lips, Xander’s eyes were still closed
and his head tossed back and forth. “Please.”

Spike added a third finger and found his entry to be smooth. He still
slowly prepared Xander, taking infinite care. He wanted this to be
amazing. He wanted to blow Xander’s mind. He wanted Xander to know what
felt like to be filled so that Xander would fuck him next time. Finally
satisfied with his preparations, he curled Xander’s legs into his chest. 
He wanted to face him as he entered, wanted to see the reactions on that
lovely face.

Spike quickly coated himself, making sure he was as slick as could be. He
positioned himself at Xander’s entrance, then reached a hand up to rest on
Xander’s face.

“Xander,” he said quietly, “Please, look at me.”

Xander opened his eyes, his breath coming quickly.

“I love you,” Spike said, then slowly entered him, his eyes on Xander’s
face the entire time.

Xander thought he was going to die from the pleasure. The times with his
father had been so violent and had hurt so much. This, this was heaven. 
He wanted to respond to Spike, repeat the words, let Spike know he loved
him too. But he couldn’t speak.

Spike’s eyes rolled back as he moved slowly, as slowly as he could. The
tightness and heat were overwhelming. He felt no hesitation, his
preparations having fully opened his lover. Sinking down, he entered
Xander to the hilt, completely wrapped together. Spike forced his eyes
open and he looked down, wanting to be sure there was no trace of pain on
Xander’s face. He saw Xander staring back at him, nothing but pleasure
written there.

“Spike, Spike, I love you. I love you so much. Everything. Always.”

Those words sent Spike over the edge. He began thrusting in and out,
moving deliberately but steadily. A hand wrapped itself around Xander’s
renewed hardness and they began to move in unison, their climax
approaching quickly. Spike’s thrusts grew faster, more frantic and with
a cry he came, Xander’s echoing cry coming a second later. He spilled
into Xander, shooting his seed in as deeply as he could. He dropped
slowly onto Xander’s chest, reluctantly pulling out so that he could wrap
his lover **Mine, forever, mine** into a tight embrace. They panted
together, still shaking. Finally, Xander pulled away slightly, leaning up
for a quick kiss.

“That was incredible.” Xander had loved it, loved the feel, the
connection. Loved that Spike said he loved him. Loved that he knew Spike
loved him. Loved Spike.

“Yes, it was.” Spike’s hold on Xander tightened for a second. It was
better than he had imagined. And he had spent a very long time imagining
just this.

“Spike?”

“Yes, Xander?”

“I love you.” Xander sighed out the words. 

Spike smiled, contentment flooding through him. “I love you, too. Now,
what do you say we go shower. Always wanted to wash your back.”

Xander grinned. “Ok, I always wanted to wash your front.” 

Spike grinned back. He felt incredible. Xander loved him. Xander had
said he loved him. Xander loved him. **And I’m turning into an enormous
whipped pouf of a wanker**

Standing up, he reached up a hand. “C’mon, pet, let’s get washed up then
sleep. Wanna get some rest so I can shag you rotten tomorrow.”

Xander grinned as Spike pulled him up. Looking at the clock he saw it was
2:30 in the morning. “Spike, technically, it is tomorrow.”

“Well, then best get cracking.”

Matching idiotic smiles on their faces, they walked hand in hand to the
bathroom.

Part Ten  

Xander slowly opened his eyes, a feeling of utter contentment running
through his body. He had grown so used to waking up slightly anxious,
muscles still tense from subconsciously waiting for an attack. This had
started to fade somewhat since he had moved out, but the nightmares which
still plagued him had not allowed him to completely relax. But now, for
the first time since he could remember, he woke up entirely refreshed. He
knew exactly why, it was because of the cool weight which was draped
across his chest. He hadn’t realized until now that the smell of
cigarettes mingled with hairgel would calm him completely. Hadn’t
realized it, that is, until Spike’s head had rested on his chest, until
the scent drifted up to him.

Xander smiled to himself, enjoying the feel of the flesh under his hands. 
Spike was still asleep, well, at least he thought the vampire was still
asleep. It was so difficult to tell since Xander couldn’t rely on the
sounds of a muffled heartbeat or the steady pull of breathing. So Xander
had him all to himself for at least a few moments, could stare down to his
heart’s content. Spike was so gorgeous, the sharp line of his cheekbone
casting shadows along his face. Some time during the night they had
turned and Xander was now resting on his back, Spike’s head on his chest,
the vampire’s body sprawled next to his. Xander’s right arm was wrapped
around that firm body, almost completely encircling the slender waist. He
hadn’t realized just how compact Spike was until they were in the shower,
until Xander had run his hands over every inch of that body, calm enough
after their lovemaking to enjoy without the hot need burning through him. 
Well, mostly. Sort of. A little bit. Okay, maybe he had pinned Spike to
the shower wall a few times and tried to suck his tonsils out through his
mouth, but, please, he was only human - a wry grin crossed his face as
those words went through his head - and Spike was, well, Spike. Not that
the vampire had protested. If they weren’t both so exhausted from the
events of the night before, Xander was sure that the vampire would have
been happy to have had sex in the shower.

But, between the sex and the beating Spike had taken, combined with the
blood that Xander had given Spike to drink, they were both a little too
worn out to try anything that strenuous.

Of course, Xander was thoroughly rested now. An evil smile crept over his
face. Spike had murmured several things in his ear before they went to
sleep the previous night. Among the promises, between vows of love and
oaths of protection, had been one comment that was now driving Xander
slowly insane.

“Don’t worry, pet, don’t be shy around me. I’ll teach you everything I
know. Give me a chance and I’ll make sure you know just how to make me
scream.” A tongue had traced the contours of his ear as the words fell
into his mind.

Xander began to stroke his fingers through Spike’s hair while his other
hand ran up and down Spike’s flank. A low rumbling purr started beneath
him, delighting Xander to no end. When they had finally emerged from the
shower, basically driven out when the hot water ran out and Xander’s lips
had started to turn blue, Spike had set about making sure that Xander as
comfortable as possible. Spike had washed him from head to toe, even
washing Xander’s hair. The whole time the same low, contented rumbling
had come from Spike. Xander didn’t even have to ask, it was obvious that
Spike was purring, that he was completely pleased. The noise was soothing
and slightly arousing all at once. Soothing, because the hum of it came
from some low register which made him sleepy and arousing because Xander
knew that Spike was happy, that he had made Spike happy, that he had made
Spike feel so secure. Spike had pulled him over to the bed and set him
down then pressed a quick kiss to Xander’s lips.

“Right back, Xan, why don’t you get dressed, I want to go get something.”

Xander opened his mouth to ask what Spike was after, but Spike had already
left the room. Shrugging, wondering what his lover was up to, he decided
to pull on something comfortable. Looking over, he saw the shirts they
had been wearing lying on the floor where they had landed when Spike had
tossed them away. Padding over, he picked up the shirt he had put on
Spike and held it in his hands. It smelled like Spike, the trace of
tobacco there but other scents too. Surprisingly, it was a fresh, clean
smell, which was in sharp contrast to what he had expected. Xander
inhaled it deeply, wishing he could smell it on Spike the way Spike could
smell his own scent. Sighing, he slipped it over his head, moving back to
pull open a drawer and pull out an old pair of sweats. Comfy, he cocked
his head and listened closely. Spike was doing something in the kitchen. 
Curious, he headed out to see what his partner was up to.

Spike moved quickly and efficiently around the kitchen, gathering together
a light supper for Xander. It was one of his many well-kept secrets that
he was actually rather an accomplished cook. While vampires didn’t need
to eat, not food anyway, Spike enjoyed a good meal on occasion. He had
not had many chances to cook with Dru and since the crypt had no kitchen,
he had not had any opportunities there. Since moving into the apartment,
he had made a few meals for Xander, simple things like stir-fry or pasta,
wanting to make sure that Xander consumed something other than the junk
food that his body seemed to thrive on. Spike knew that Xander had to be
starving, that the blood loss would shortly begin to catch up to Xander
and make him dizzy.

Spike pulled the eggs out and quickly broke them into a bowl, stirred in
some milk, salt and pepper, then expertly poured the mixture into the
heated pan. Xander liked omelettes, the protein would be good and it was
light. Besides, he made excellent omelettes, light and fluffy and he
wanted to show off, just a little. Spike smiled at the thought. **Bloody
right I want to show off, want to treat him like the god he is, take care
of him the way he should be** Spike shook his head at this train of
thought.

He had always been a hopeless romantic. Before he had been turned,
William had been bookish and shy, besotted with Cecily, living to please
her. When he had been turned, his essential nature had not changed, just
been twisted slightly. He had been as devoted to Angelus as he had ever
been to Cecily, becoming whatever his Sire wanted to make him happy. It
had made Angelus happy to have a childe as vicious and cruel as he was, so
Spike had turned into a vicious killer to please him. It was meant as a
gift, an act of devotion. And with Drusilla, he had instantly been her
devoted slave. He had known she was unstable, childish and difficult, but
he didn’t care. He knew that no matter what he did Dru would always want
her daddy more, but, again, he didn’t care. He needed to take care of
someone and Dru needed him. She had been his dark princess and together
they had caused rivers of blood to flow. All as an offering to her. 
Spike did love violence, it appealed to him deeply, but he was not as
cold-blooded as Angelus, Dru and Darla. He had some code of honor,
twisted as it was. Dru’s abandonment had crushed him and he had been lost
without someone to love.

Now, now he had Xander. Spike had thought hard about the reasons for his
feelings, wanting to be sure that he was not just latching onto the boy
because Xander had been so helpless and Spike needed to be needed. He had
spent hours prowling through the apartment searching to be sure that what
he felt was true. He had ruthlessly examined himself and had finally
realized that his emotions were authentic. Yes, in part he was drawn to
Xander because Xander needed him, but that was not why he loved the dark
eyed beauty. It was Xander’s strength, heat, kindness and purity that
drew him like a moth to a flame. No matter what, Xander bounced back, was
thrown down again and again and just smiled and returned. It awed Spike,
that this human was so resilient and brave, facing down evil of all kinds
open eyed but still hopeful. Spike knew his love for Xander was like
nothing he had ever known.

Spike shook himself out of his reverie and expertly flipped the omelette. 
It was done quickly and Spike slid it onto a plate. He turned to pour out
a glass of milk and was looking for a tray when he heard the sound of
Xander walking into the kitchen.

Xander had smelled the delicious scent of cooking as soon as he started
down the hall. His mouth had instantly started watering and he realized
that he was starving.

“Hey, that smells good,” he called out as he settled onto the stool,
enjoying the sight of a topless Spike cooking in their kitchen. Spike had
grabbed a pair of Xander’s sweatpants and the vision of Spike wearing his
clothes was stirring a low flame of desire in Xander. Especially since
they were dipping off Spike’s slender hips. Xander licked his lips,
clearly picturing Spike’s tight ass in his hands. **Down boy, down, gotta
eat, gotta get strength so you can play with the pretty**

“Thought you might be hungry, you’ve had a busy night,” Spike replied,
sliding the plate over along with a fork and some napkins. He leaned on
the other side of the counter as Xander hungrily attacked his plate.”

“Yehmf, dimff reayibize,” Xander started to talk while simultaneously
eating and downing the glass of milk. He swallowed and started over. 
“Yeah, didn’t realize how much. This is great, Spike.”

Spike just smiled, raking in the sight of Xander’s swollen lips and wet
hair. The shower had been great, he had gotten to clean Xander, been able
to run his hands lovingly over the strong body, gotten to run his hands
through that thick hair. He felt his arousal begin to grow again and just
shook his head. **Bloody hell, I could spend the rest of the night
shagging him and it still wouldn’t be enough** As much as he wanted to do
just that, he also wanted to let the events of the evening sink fully into
his mind. He had made love to Xander. It still seemed unbelievable. He
had wanted just this for so long that he was finding it hard to accept as
real, he kept expecting to wake up as he had so many times before, waking
to reach out for Xander only to find that he was alone, that it was just a
dream.

Of course, his dream Xander usually didn’t run his finger along a plate,
trying to lick up every last crumb. Xander finally stopped, satisfied
that he had devoured the entire meal. It tasted wonderful and he felt so
content, so happy. A huge yawn gripped him, and he stretched.

“Tired, Xan?”

Xander just nodded, his eyes closed. He hadn’t realized just how tired
until that moment. Between the shower and the food, not to mention the
mindshattering sex, he was completely relaxed. Exhaustion was being to
steal over him. It had been a very long night. Looking up, he saw it was
now nearly 3:30 in the morning. No wonder he was so tired.

Spike walked over, pulling Xander behind him as they headed back to sleep.
Spike hated to admit it, but he was just as spent. Along with the
physical drain, the emotions of the night were taking their toll. He had
been terrified when the fledglings had attacked, furious that he was being
ripped away, that he was losing his love, that Xander would no long be
safe and protected. Then he had been jerked back to consciousness by the
taste of Xander’s blood, terror again ripping through him when he thought
he had taken too much. Then the shock of Xander kissing him, immediately
followed by the enormous relief of finally admitting his feelings. Then
the sensation of taking Xander as his, of feeling Xander surrounding him. 
Now, the security of knowing that Xander loved him too. It was fabulous,
it was tremendous, it was making him very, very tired.

They collapsed onto the bed, crawling under the covers. Automatically,
Xander turned onto his right side and Spike curved behind him. Just like
always. Except this time Xander’s fingers were locked with Spike’s and
Spike could whisper all the things he had been longing to say. He felt
Xander drift off and then he shortly followed him in rest.

===============================================================

Xander’s hands began to wander over the body in his arms, the longing
growing the more he watched his sleeping lover. His lover. Spike was his
lover. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe how right it felt,
couldn’t believe that he had no hesitation, no doubt. Everything about
Spike was wrong for him. He was a vicious killer. He had tried to kill
Xander in the past. He would probably try to kill him in the future
should the chip ever fail or Spike succeeded in having it removed. He was
undead. He was male. He was a vampire. He was the love of Xander’s
life. Maybe it the Hellmouth, maybe it was something else. Whatever it
was, Xander didn’t care. It was right. That’s all he cared. He leaned
down to kiss the top of Spike’s head.

Spike’s eyes shot open as he felt the kiss drop on his temple. He was
resting on Xander’s chest, Xander’s hand were moving over him
possessively. Not a dream. It had all been real. He closed his eyes
briefly, feeling a wave of happiness steal over him. That and a wave of
arousal. Xander’s hands were doing some very nice things to his back at
the moment and he was rapidly coming to full consciousness. He lifted his
head up to gaze into Xander’s face.

“Morning, luv.”

“And a good morning to you, sleepy head,” came the amused reply. “Thought
you were going to spend the rest of the day unconscious.”

Spike reluctantly pulled his way out of Xander’s embrace, not wanting to
leave but unable to reach Xander’s lips. He pulled himself up Xander’s
body, then leaned in for a quick kiss which rapidly deepened as their
passions grew. Xander pulled Spike on top of him so that the cool weight
was plastered to his body. Hands began to roam all over, each vying for
possession of the other. Their lengths grew against one another as they
began to move in unison, grinding their hips together. Spike suddenly
turned, flipping them over so that Xander was now on top of him. Xander
responded by kissing straight down Spike’s throat, stopping only to run
the tip of his tongue straight across Spike’s collarbones, swirling a
circle in the hollow at the base of Spike’s throat. He continued down,
licking a sure path from nipple to nipple, sucking each into his mouth and
tonguing it firmly. Spike just moaned at the sensations, desperate hands
trying frantically to pull Xander back up, needing to taste that warm
mouth. Xander ignored the imploring hands, the needful tone of Spike’s
voice and continued his sure path down. Spike finally managed to yank
Xander back up just as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of the
sweats Spike still wore.

“Hell, Xan, what are you doing,” he gasped out, stunned by Xander’s
aggressiveness.

“Thought that was pretty obvious,” came the amused reply. Xander
attempted to slide back down the bed, but Spike held him tightly.

“Seriously, Xander, what are you up to,” Spike looked up as Xander hovered
above him.

Xander pressed quick kisses all over Spike’s face. “You promised to teach
me how to make you scream, well, now seemed like as good a time as any to
start.” He leaned down and captured Spike’s lips with his own, devouring
the cool mouth. He broke away and continued his path down, both growing
more and more aroused. This time, Xander kissed straight down Spike’s
chest, unerringly heading for Spike’s erection. He hooked his fingers in
the waistband of the sweatpants and began to pull down.

Just as the phone began to ring.

Xander stopped for a second then shrugged, deciding to ignore it. He was
busy and that’s why they invented answering machines. He resumed his
attempts at stripping Spike when he heard the machine kick in.

“Xander, it’s Buffy, look wanted to talk to you about last night. Please
pick up if you’re there, well, we’re all kinda worried about you being
alone with Spike, um, if you don’t call back soon, tell you what we’ll
just come over. Ok, well, hope you get this. Bye.”

Matching groans filled the air as Spike sat up and Xander pulled Spike’s
pants back on.

“Xander, is there something you want to tell me?” Spike asked. Buffy had
obviously sounded worried and a worried Slayer was never boded well for
him.

“Well, see, Buffy kind of, well, kind of wanted to leave you in the
cemetery. Said something about leaving you there and if the sun rose no
big loss. I sort of threw her into the side of a crypt, picked you up,
she tried to stop me and I may, possibly, have been somewhat rude to her.”
Xander nervously picked at the comforter. He really had forgotten about
that, it didn’t particularly matter before.

Spike groaned again and fell back on the bed, grabbing a pillow to cover
his face.

“That’s just bloody fabulous, got the Slayer all brassed off, did you? 
Proud as I am, this is not good.” He had been avoiding thinking about
what to tell the Slayer, the Watcher, the witches, the demon, basically
all of Xander’s friends. They would not react well, and he had been too
enraptured in the moment to want reality to intrude. So much for that
plan.

“Look, I wasn’t really thinking,” Xander heatedly started to reply. Spike
just reached out a hand and ran it down Xander’s arm.

“I’m not mad, luv. Just, didn’t want to deal with this just yet.” 

Xander took in a deep breath. “Neither did I. What are we going to do?”

He was torn. On the one hand, he was proud that Spike was his and wanted
everyone to know. On the other hand, he didn’t want to explain this yet,
didn’t want to see the looks on everyone’s faces. This was his, it was
private, he wanted a chance to just enjoy it without explanations and
accusations. And without having to watch as one of his best friends tried
to kill his love. No, that was of the bad.

Spike uncovered his face and sat up. He let out an unnecessary sigh. 
This was inevitable, but he wanted some time alone first, wanted some time
to just bond in peace.

“I don’t know. Do you want to tell them?” Spike looked down at this. 
This was another thing he wasn’t sure about, if Xander would want to tell
everyone. Maybe not. He knew it would just further complicate Xander’s 
full life.

“Of course,” came the instant reply. Xander looked over and saw the
relief on Spike’s face. “Spike, of course I want to tell them. I’m proud
of you, proud you want me. But, not yet, you know?”

Spike nodded, thrilled by the response. “I know. You do realize that the
Slayer will probably try to stake me.”

“Yup,” came the quiet reply. “She doesn’t mean it you know, she’s just
trying to protect me. Carries it too far sometimes, but that’s because
she’s my friend.”

“Well, I may be familiar with overreacting when trying to protect
someone,” came the wry reply. Spike reached over and took Xander’s hand. 
“Why don’t you call her back, tell her you tied me to a chair and that
I’ll be leaving as soon as the sun goes down. Then go and meet them, grab
some lunch or something.” Spike hated the thought of being torn apart so
soon, but he knew that this would at least buy them some time.

Xander just reached for the phone. That was a good idea. He already knew
what he was going to tell them, how to explain his reaction. Gods, he
hated lying about this, but neither of them were ready to face the others.
Not just yet. He hit the speed dial and waited for an answer.

“Hey, Buff.” Spike listened to the disjointed conversation. “Yeah, I was
in the bathroom. Sorry about last night. Oh, I tied the bleached wonder
to a chair, he’s sitting here flipping me off as we speak. Trust me, he
wasn’t thrilled about this either. What? Oh, as soon as the sun goes
down. Don’t think he’ll be patrolling for a few days, he seems rather
pissed off. What are you doing for lunch? With Willow and Tara? I’ll
meet you there. ‘K, bye.” He slowly hung up the phone.

“I’m meeting them in about half an hour.” Xander sighed and headed for
the bathroom, reluctant to leave but seeing no other choice.

Spike trailed behind him, wanting to pull his lover back, but knowing he
couldn’t.

“This is for the best, at least for now,” he quietly murmured, trying to
convince himself as well.

“Yeah,” came the sad reply. “I know.”

Spike quickly left the bathroom, not trusting himself around a naked and
wet Xander. He stalked into the living room and began to hit the heavy
bag in the corner, pouring out his rage.

Xander quickly showered, shaved, brushed his teeth, dressed and let the
room. He heard the sound of Spike attacking the bag, wishing he could
join him. He walked over, angling himself so that Spike would see him. 
Spike spun, getting in one more kick, then stopped.

“I have to go,” Xander sighed. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, miss you.”

Spike just looked over then reached out and grabbed Xander. He kissed him
desperately, longing and fear driving him. Xander responded in kind, then
reluctantly pulled away.

“Look, I’ll call as soon as I can. Tell you what happened, just pick up
if you hear me on the machine.”

Spike just stared at him, shocked at the feeling of loss coming over him. 
It was just lunch. Xander would be back soon. Spike walked Xander to the
elevator, wanting to spend every second possible with his love.

Xander turned, trailed a finger across Spike’s lips. “Miss you. Love
you.” He yanked the gate shut and took the elevator down before he
changed his mind. Spike just stared after him, unable to speak.


Xander dropped down next to Willow on the couch.

“Hey, Wills, Tara, Buffster. And how are my lovely ladies?” It took
everything he had to sound like his normal, chipper self. This was going
to be torture.

“Hey, Xan,” came the replies.

“So, did you fix up the bleached one?” Buffy called out as she came down
the stairs of her house, adjusting the heel of her shoe.

“Yup, back to his ungrateful, surly self.”

Buffy nodded, grabbing her jacket as they headed for the door. “Well,
what was that all about anyway, you certainly wigged.” The gang headed
for Xander’s car, heading for the mall.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Just, well, got to know him a little when you
dumped him on me and we sorta became friends. Kinda, in a weird way, and
just didn’t want to leave him there. Besides, he’s saved my sorry ass
more than once recently and felt like returning the favor.” Xander said
as he pulled down the street.

“Oh,” said Willow. “Well, that makes sense. Sort of.”

“Yeah,” Tara softly agreed, stroking Willow’s hand. “He was trying to
protect us, so I guess we should have been a little more concerned. He
pulled like three or four fledglings off of Willow. So, so, he can’t be
all bad.”

Xander shot a grateful look into the rearview mirror. He hadn’t even
thought about that point.

“I guess,” Buffy said, digging through her purse. Finding her sunglasses,
she put them on. “Still, he is Spike. Of the bad and all. And he has
tried to kill us all before, several times, so you’ll forgive me for not
giving a damn.”

Xander’s knuckles went white as he clenched the steering wheel. He took
several deep, calming breaths. He knew, intellectually, that Buffy wasn’t
trying to hurt him. Just try telling that to the rest of him.

“Well, like I said, sorry. Won’t happen again. So what are we shopping
for?” He knew that would shut them up. Well, actually that would set
them off on a new path and that’s all he really wanted.

“Shoes!” came the delighted reply, all three voices calling out.

“Please, kill me now.”


Three hours later, Xander finally managed to tear himself away from the
women. They had hit every shoe store at least once and he had been forced
to stay with them as catch and ferry boy. He was going slowly insane. 
But, true to form, they had all gone off to the bathroom together. He
grabbed the nearest telephone, sending up a quick prayer of thanks that he
could see the ladies room door. He dialed the number and listened as the
machine kicked in on the first ring.

“Spike, please pick up. Everything’s fine, I miss you. Pick up.” He
heard the quick disconnect then Spike’s voice.

“Xander, you okay, did they say anything?” Spike’s hands were shaking. 
He had grown increasingly frantic with every second that passed.

“No, gave them some line about how you saved me so I had to save you. 
They bought it.” He heard the sigh of relief come down the line.

“Miss you.”

Xander couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. They had only
been apart for three and a half hours and they were both acting like it
was days. “Me too. Back soon I hope, can’t promise. I’m bailing on them
tonight, though. I’ve got better things to do.” His vision blurred for a
moment as he pondered just what he would be doing. **Down boy**

“Fucking right you do,” came the snarled reply. 

Xander saw the door open and heard Willow voice. “Gotta go, back soon,
promise” He hung up and walked back to join his friends, counting the
seconds until he could leave.

============================================================== 

Spike paced in front of the elevator doors, listening to the grinding of
the gears. He had been going insane the entire time Xander was gone,
picturing the Slayer saying something cruel, hurting his mate. The phone
call had only helped a tiny amount. He had been able to hear the truth in
Xander’s voice, knew that the gang had believed him. However, the sound
of Xander’s voice had driven him mad with longing. He caught himself
playing the snippet caught on the machine over and over just to hear
Xander say he missed him.

Finally, the doors opened and Xander came almost running out the elevator
straight into Spike’s arms.

“Spike, oh Christ, that was, you weren’t there, missed you,” the words
came spilling out as they fell to the floor, clutching one another. 
Frantically, they started to kiss, trying to make up for the hours they
were apart. Xander finally wrenched away, once again damning his need to
breathe.

“C’mon, let’s get inside.” Xander moved off Spike, stood and reached out
a hand. Spike took it and Xander pulled him up, then yanked him through
the door of their apartment.

“Xander,” Spike called out as he was pulled determinedly to the bedroom. 
“Seem a little focused there, care to share.”

Xander stopped, pulled Spike flush against him and stared deep into those
blue eyes.

“You promised me some lessons. Figure since I have so much to learn, need
to get started.” Xander pushed Spike down onto the bed and straddled him,
ripping off his shirt.

“I do like an eager student,” came the amused reply. “What say we start
by you unzipping my jeans with your teeth?”

Xander grinned and leaned down. “So, how long will this lesson go,
anyway?”

“All night, if your lucky.”

“Oh, I plan on getting lucky.”

Spike just laughed as Xander set to work.

Part Eleven  

Spike paced back and forth, checking the clock for the hundredth time in the last fifteen minutes. He had cleaned the apartment, done the dishes, worked out for about three hours until even that got boring, put away the laundry, cleaned both bathrooms – again, put away the movies, sorted the cds alphabetically by artist and chronologically for each artist and rearranged the books. He had managed to stop himself when he realized he was standing in the center of the living room trying to decide how to move the couch to achieve maximum flow. **That’s it, no more HGTV, mate. Next thing you know you’ll be making curtains**
He had taken to pacing and smoking but even that was not helping. He looked at the clock again and sighed. Ten minutes until Xander was due back. He hated that Xander still worked, that he hadn’t been able to convince him to quit and just be with him. It wasn’t as if Xander needed the money, Spike was only too happy to give Xander everything that was his. But his lover had just shook his head at that , said "Sorry, I actually like this job, makes me feel like there’s something out there I do well." Xander had managed to cut Spike’s response short. "And don’t even start – I mean, besides that." So now, instead of being with Spike on their anniversary, Xander was at bloody work.
Their anniversary. One month today. One month since Xander said he loved him. Spike closed his eyes, savoring the memory of that night. He had spent so much time just wishing to hear it that, every time the words came from his lover’s mouth, he felt his dead heart twist, just a little. Even now, when the words came easily and often, they still resonated in the air.
Spike turned to kitchen counter, settling onto one of the stools and staring at the small, dark box with a deep forest green ribbon sitting there. He hoped his Xander would like his present. It was perhaps a trifle extravagant, but Xander rarely let Spike do anything for him, wouldn’t allow Spike to heap the treasures upon him that he deserved. Spike had been at a loss for what to get until they had driven by the dealership a few days before. They were on their way to the grocery store when Xander had looked out the window.
"Hey, that’s nice."
Spike shot a quick glance over. A dark green Jeep Grand Cherokee was sitting near the road, a small spotlight shining on it. 
"Fancy something with a bit more flash, myself." His eyes had suddenly narrowed and a wicked grin curved up the corner of his mouth. His problem may have just been solved. "So you like something a bit manlier, eh? Good for hauling things around and whatnot?"
"Well, those are really nice. All leather interior and sound system. Can go camping and not even get mosquito bit. And they hold up really well and are really safe." Xander had replied, casting a quick glance back. He had always wanted one, just that color.
Spike had just shrugged, "To each their own." 
He had called the car lot as soon as Xander left for work the next day. Thankfully, they had exactly what he wanted in stock and would be able to make the few changes that Spike requested. He exhaled a quick stream of smoke and looked to the ceiling. It was amazing what cash could get you. It had been delivered earlier that day and Spike had moved it around the side of the warehouse. The box contained the keys. 
He wondered what Xander had in mind. When they woke that morning, wrapped around one another as always, Xander had immediately leaned up to kiss him. 
"Happy anniversary," a low, happy tone to his voice. 
"Happy anniversary to you too, pet. Wasn’t sure you would notice." 
Xander sat up, stretched and then smacked him upside the head. "Not notice. Like I could not notice something like that."
They had padded into the kitchen where Xander had quickly finished breakfast. As he turned to head into the bathroom to shower, he had called back. "Oh, don’t make any plans for dinner. I’m going to take you somewhere."
"And where’s that, luv." **Damn, have to cancel the reservations then**
"You’ll see, it’s a surprise. Wash my back?" With that all thoughts of the surprise had fled Spike’s mind. 
Now, Spike wondered just what Xander had in mind. His precious had seemed a little distracted the last few days, and Spike had been unable to find out why. Maybe this was the reason. He heard the sound of the elevator and quickly opened the apartment door. He was rewarded by the sight of a quick blur as Xander slammed him into the wall. 
"Missed you," Spike managed to get out before they were again attacking one another, Xander pinning him against the wall, Spike grabbing his shirt and holding just as tight.
"Missed you, too. Happy anniversary, I love you." Xander grinned at Spike. He had missed him, even more than usual. It always felt like part of him was gone whenever they were separated and today, well, today it was even worse. Reluctantly, he stepped back. If they didn’t stop now, they would just wind up having sex in the doorway, again, and as much fun as that was, Xander wanted to savor it tonight. 
"Love you too," came the quiet reply as Spike also took a step back. **Right, remember, no shagging until later, you have a plan** Spike watched as Xander preceded him into the living room, strong back moving under his shirt, ass nicely outlined by his jeans. **Sod the plan** He reached out, but Xander quickly pulled away, swatting at his hands. 
"Stop that, bad vamp. Later. Want to get cleaned up. Sun’s down in a little bit and, like I said, I have a surprise for you." Xander smiled, then a small crease crossed his brow. He wasn’t sure if Spike would like this. He shook his head, clearing his mind. "Looks nice in here, you clean?" 
"Bloody nothing else to do. I’m turning into a little nancy boy, you do realize that?" Spike followed Xander into the bedroom, watching him strip out his work clothes. **Oh, free show** 
"Sorry, I’ll get right to work on that whole sun not melting you thing. Gonna go shower," Xander glanced down and saw the hopeful expression on Spike’s face. **Focus, no sex now, sex later, focus, you can do it.** "And, no, you can’t join me." He ignored the howl of protest and locked the door behind him. **Yeah, like that would stop him**
Xander quickly showered, then changed into his favorite outfit, a black sweater and dark khakis. He knew Spike liked it, thus it was now his favorite. He wanted to look good, wanted everything to be perfect. He really wasn’t sure how Spike was going to react, so he wanted to be sure that everything else was right. Spike had gone back into the living room to avoid temptation and Xander walked out to meet him. 
"Ready?"
"We going somewhere, then, luv?" Spike smiled up at Xander. This was the perfect time. 
"Yup, got everything in my car." Xander grabbed Spike’s hand and started to pull him to the door. He was startled when he found himself being pulled into the kitchen instead.
"No, Xander, I don’t think you do." Spike grinned as he handed Xander the small box, seeing the look of confusion there. "Happy anniversary, open it."
"Spike, what are you up to," Xander started as he pulled the lid off. He looked down, confused, at the keychain. "Spike, um, these are keys."
"Very good, I always knew you were bright."
Xander just rolled his eyes as he lifted the keys from the box. His eyes grew wide when he saw the emblem hanging down. "Spike, these are Jeep keys." 
"Another brilliant observation. Now, why didn’t they accept you at Oxford?" 
"Spike," Xander looked over, trying to keep his voice calm and level. "What are these for?"
Now Spike rolled his eyes, "For a Jeep, thought you established that, ducks." He grinned. This was going even better than he had thought. 
"SPIKE," came the frustrated response.
Laughing, Spike just pulled Xander out the door. "Close your eyes, Xander." Dutifully, Xander closed his eyes, giving up and just going along with whatever Spike had planned. They rode the elevator down, then Xander felt them go outside, walk a little ways and then stop.
"Ok, you can open them now."
Xander opened his eyes and felt his jaw drop. The Jeep, the one he had pointed out, was parked in front of him. He looked at Spike, who was looked like he was about to burst in two with pride and glee, then back at the Jeep. He closed his mouth, opened it again, still couldn’t speak, shook his head, then moved the few steps forward to place his hand on the hood.
"For me." the wonderment was clear in his voice. No one had ever done anything so nice for him in his life. 
"Said you liked it, besides, that deathtrap you drive has to go." Spike was ecstatic. It was obvious that he had done the right thing. 
"Wow, this is, wow, too much, you shouldn’t have, oh man." Xander stopped then walked over to grab Spike. "Thank you." With that, he kissed Spike thoroughly, trying to ensure that Spike realized just how much this meant. "Really, thank you. I would say you shouldn’t have, but that would be a waste of time." 
He and Spike had already argued about this several times. Spike had finally admitted that his comment about being well off was a slight understatement, in fact, Spike was rich. Very rich. And Spike did not understand why he couldn’t just give it all to Xander. Xander had finally convinced Spike that he wanted nothing more than Spike’s own evil self, but he knew it hurt Spike that he wouldn’t just accept his gifts. So, he wasn’t about to turn this down. 
"Glad you like. Now, didn’t say something about going somewhere?" Spike just stared into Xander’s eyes, drinking in the pleasure there. He had done a good thing, he had made Xander happy. He had worried that Xander might fight him on this like he had fought the suggestion that Spike add him to his bank accounts, but, apparently, special occasions were exceptions to Xander’s idiotic "small gifts ONLY" rule. Spike filed that away for future use. 
"Yeah, and actually, this is perfect for where we’re going. Just, let me get some stuff." Xander practically ran back to his car, grabbing the small picnic basket in the backseat along with a blanket from the trunk. Returning, he found Spike just watching him, pride on his face. Xander quickly unlocked the doors and they got in. The new car smell hit them both, the smell of the leather heady. 
**Oh, great, now my car smells like Spike’s duster. No distraction there, can just see it now. Well, officer, see I hit the tree because I was too busy thinking about what my boyfriend looks like naked to pay attention to anything as petty as the road**
They pulled out, and Xander just grinned, feeling the power as he stepped on the gas. He began to look around the interior, noticing that this was clearly a top line model. Glancing over, he realized the side windows were nearly opaque. 
"Spike, did you have the windows blacked out?" This was great, if they ever had to go somewhere during the day then Spike could just ride in the back.
"Absolutely. Well, as dark as they would and still let you drive it. Wanted to have some options in case we suddenly had to flee during the day." 
"Good idea, not the fleeing, but the day thing. This way we can take road trips." He was dying to go away with his partner.
They drove on for a short time longer, Xander exclaiming as he discovered each feature of his new toy. Spike just sat there, bemused, listening to the happy chatter. Finally, the pulled off the road into a small park. Xander followed the curving road all the way to the back, then parked the car. By this time, the moon had risen, full and heavy and the stars shown clearly in the sky.
"We’re here. Well, almost, have to walk a little way still." Xander got out, running his hand down the doorframe as he did so, then reached back to grab the basket and blanket. He reached out, took Spike’s hand, then led him down a small path.
"Pet, you sure this is the safest place to be." Spike looked around, somewhat concerned. If he had been hunting, this would have been a fabulous place to lay in wait. 
Xander just pulled a couple of stakes from the basket. "Thought about that already. I used to come here a lot, though, and I was never attacked. And you know that I’m a demon magnet." They followed the path down, the sound of running water filling their ears. They reached the end of the path and Xander simply turned to his right and struck out through the woods. 
"You do know where you are going?" Spike asked, worried. He could see clearly, but it was dark and they were now descending a steep hill.
"I told you, I used to come here a lot." Xander just continued down, carefully picking his footing. Finally, they reached the bottom of the hill and entered a small clearing. Spike’s eyes widened at the sight before him. 
They had emerged from the trees into a clearing at the foot of a large pool. The pool was fed by a small waterfall that came cascading down the side of the hill they had descended, sparkling in the moonlight. A stream fed out the other side of the pool and large, moss covered rocks were present in the water. It was beautiful, calm, peaceful, an oasis in the night. 
"Xander, this is unbelievable, I never knew this was here," Spike moved forward, gazing around in awe.
"Nobody does, you can see there’s no path. I found it years ago when I was out hiking one night and, well, for a long time I came here whenever things got to be too much." Xander moved behind Spike and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Spike’s shoulder. "I’ve never seen anyone else here, never even seen signs that anyone else knows it’s here, it’s like it’s my own private place." 
Spike just nodded, hearing the unspoken words. They rarely spoke of Xander’s past, only when Xander mentioned it, only when he wanted to share. It was still too difficult for his love, and Spike always grew furious whenever he thought about what Xander’s parents had done to him. They stayed there, quiet, for long minutes, until Xander sighed and then pulled away from Spike. He spread out the blanket, placed the basket in the center and then sat down. Spike immediately sat next to him. 
Xander took a deep breath. He had been thinking about this for the last two weeks and he had finally reached a decision. He had to say this, had to get it out in the open for what he prayed would be the only time.
"Spike, please just listen to me for a few minutes, okay. This is really important." The vampire nodded, scenting the hesitation coming from his boy. He tried to move closer, but Xander turned to face him. Taking Spike’s hands in his, and staring at their entwined fingers, he continued.
"I didn’t know what to give you. I don’t have much to offer you besides my love which you have already. But that’s not enough, I want to do something to show you how much you mean to me. So, tomorrow we’re having an apartment warming party. Everyone is coming over and, well, they aren’t coming over to see my place, they are coming over to see our place." Xander looked up, seeing the shock on Spike’s face. "When they get there, I’m going to tell them that you are living with me, that you are my boyfriend, that we are together. They can just deal." His voice was defiant but still shook a little. He knew this had the potential to go very badly. Spike opened his mouth to speak, but Xander stopped him. "I know, you don’t want them to hurt me. Well, I don’t want them to hurt you. They have to know. I want them to know. I want everyone to know. I’m yours, you’re mine. So, happy anniversary." Xander looked back down, afraid of Spike’s response. He meant it, he was tired of hiding, tired of having to always show up separately, tired of not touching whenever they were with the others, tired of pretending. 
Spike just stared for a moment. He honestly didn’t know how to react. "Xander, are you sure, the Slayer, I mean, you know she will be upset. And the rest, they won’t understand, Xander, they’re your friends. I don’t want you to lose them because of me." 
Xander’s head shot up at that and he leaned over to kiss Spike. "First, the Slayer can deal. I had to deal with her and Angel and, well, I didn’t deal well, but I dealt. I can take whatever she dishes out. And if she tries to stake you, then she’ll have to come through me first. Second, if the rest can’t accept it, then they aren’t my friends."
Spike returned the kiss, touched to the core. "Thank you. So, tomorrow night. The big coming out party." A smirk crossed his face. "We serving pink cake?" 
Xander hit him, relieved. That part had gone better then he thought. "No, idiot. Alcohol. Thought that would help more." Now the hard part. "That’s not all though." With that he stood and began to pace. 
"Remember, the other night, when you asked me what I was thinking about so intensely?" Spike nodded, going still. He could tell that Xander was finally going to reveal whatever it was that had been troubling him. He pushed himself up and moved to stand next to the water, able to watch Xander pace but not getting in the way. 
Xander looked up at the stars, gathering his courage. "Well, I was thinking about how you always say forever to me." He put a hand to stop Spike. "I know you mean it, that’s not the problem." Xander’s pacing became faster as the tension in him coiled tightly. "Well, I say forever, too, and I mean it." He walked over to Spike, reaching out to touch that perfect face. "I do." Dropping his hand, he resumed pacing. 
"It’s just, I was thinking how it wasn’t fair. When you say forever, you really truly mean forever. I don’t. I can’t. Someday," Xander swallowed hard as the tears began to form. "Someday I’m going to die," he said quietly. "I’m going to die and I’m going to leave you and," he stopped as his throat closed and the tears began to stream down his face. He felt cool arms grab him, felt a hand push his head down on a firm shoulder, heard the soothing sounds. 
"Shh, don’t talk like that, don’t, why would you think about that," Spike’s voice shook as well, however. This was the subject they always avoided, the cloud which hung over them. No matter what, Xander would eventually leave Spike. Spike knew that even if he could, he would never turn this boy, that doing that would destroy what he loved in the first place. So it was inevitable, they could put it off as long as possible, but it was there with every heartbeat, every second one second closer to the end. Spike’s eyes closed and he felt the blood tears begin at the thought. "I know you mean it, that if it was yours to give then you would. It doesn’t matter." He didn’t want to talk about this, didn’t want to reveal that he already knew that, as soon as Xander was gone, he would lie on his grave and wait for the sun.
Xander pulled back. He had to say this, had to deal with this once and for all. "Spike, please, just listen, ok. You’re right, if I can find some way to become immortal without being turned, then I will. And I’ve been searching and I plan on continuing to search. But, until, then, I want to be yours. I want everyone, everything to know I’m yours. I don’t want there to be any doubt." He let out another breath. This was the hardest part. 
"Spike, I want you to claim me."
Spike froze. "What?" He couldn’t have heard right. He longed to claim Xander, to place his mark on that flesh so that nothing would dare harm what was his. But he couldn't, he couldn’t bite because of that fucking chip. Couldn’t truly protect Xander if he did.
"I said, I want you to claim me." Xander’s voice shook as he turned away. **Oh, fuck. You blew this, Harris** "Don’t worry, stupid idea, shouldn’t have said anything."
Spike yanked him around and crushed him to his chest. "Not a good idea. Don’t you think I’ve thought about nothing else the last month. Of course I want to claim you, but I can’t. I can’t bite you. Fucking bastards." The familiar rage began to build. 
Xander’s shoulders completely relaxed as he listened to Spike rage. So Spike did want to claim him, it was just the chip that had stopped him. He grabbed Spike’s face in his hands, instantly stopping the violent words. He placed a gentle kiss on Spike’s lips, then pulled back.
"Thought about that, and, well, it’s up to you, but it depends on how much pain you’re willing to bear." Xander pulled them back to the blanket and opened the picnic basket. It contained a thermos and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Holding up the thermos, Xander began again. "Stopped at the blood bank the other day and told them I was going in for surgery and wanted a pint of my blood handy just in case." With the other hand, Xander help up the Jack Daniels. "And this should help knock you out after." 
Spike stared at him in shock. "Blood to heal me and Jack to knock me out. Clever boy."
Xander grinned. "What can I say, I have my moments." The grin faded. "Seriously, Spike, I don’t know what will happen if you try to bite me, but I trust you. I love you. I know you won’t drain me. I don’t want to cause you pain, but I want to bear your mark. I want the world to know I’m yours."
Spike’s mind reeled. He had wanted this the moment he first kissed Xander, wanted to make sure no one else ever touched what was his. Wanted to see that mark, wanted to touch it, wanted to lap the wound clean. Wanted to taste that purity and hope moving inside him. And Xander wanted it too.
"You sure, what if, well, what if I can’t?"
"Than you can’t and we’ll figure something else out." Xander felt his heart pounding in his chest. Every time he thought that he loved Spike as much as possible, something else happened and he loved him a little more. Spike wanted to claim him. He wanted to be claimed. They wanted to be one. "Please, can we at least try?"
Spike pinned Xander down, crushing him, trying to pull them together as they kissed. 
"Yes, anything, everything, you are mine. Forever. Forever. Mine." Finally, they drew apart, staring into each other’s eyes. Spike slowly stood, pulling Xander with him. He moved them to stand next to the pool, turning Xander so that the moon shown straight on that beautiful face. 
"Where do you want the mark?"
Xander’s eyes dilated at that as a pang of arousal hit him. "Wherever you want."
Spike began to gently kiss along Xander’s neck, desire and fear mingling in equal parts. 
"Well, luv, as much as I want everyone to see it, may cause questions you don’t want to answer." He finally stopped at the juncture of Xander’s neck and shoulder. There. Still could be seen but also covered. He raised his head, staring into those brown eyes. He could tell Xander meant this, could smell the truth of it. "Ready?"
Xander just nodded. He could still feel the times when Spike had drank from him, could still feel the pull, the intimacy. He craved this.
Spike nodded back. "Xander, I love you." With those words, he bent his head to Xander’s neck. 
The pain hit the second his fangs descended. Spike’s knees almost buckled, but Xander held him firmly, the arms around Spike's waist supporting him. Spike pushed it away, tried to ignore the knife tearing through his mind. He pressed down and felt his teeth begin to sink into the hot flesh, felt the warm taste of blood begin to pour down his throat. The pain grew and grew, a living beast attempting to consume him. Spike could feel his whole body shake, could feel a seizure building, but still he pressed down. He would do this, he had to do this. Finally, he began to drink, the now familiar taste washing over him, battling back the waves of agony. He pressed further, deeper, mingling their essences. Suddenly, all pain stopped and he could only taste Xander, could only feel the love and completeness. He drank one last mouthful, faintly hearing Xander’s moan, feeling Xander’s hardness press into him. Slowly, reverently, he raised his head and began licking the wound clean, bathing his mate’s neck with long, sure strokes, sealing the mark. Finally, satisfied with his actions, he looked into Xander’s eyes. 
Xander stared back. He could feel Spike inside him, could feel their halves become whole. He was Spike’s, Spike was his. They were. They would always be. He saw the slick of blood still on Spike’s mouth. With a low growl, he pulled that mouth to his, desperate to taste his blood in his lover’s mouth. Spike gave an answering growl and they fell to the ground, licking and tasting, feeling Xander’s blood pound in both their veins. Finally, they pulled apart. 
Xander stroked Spike’s hair, shocked that Spike seemed so calm. "Are you ok, how bad was it? What do you need?"
Spike just trailed a finger along the mark. His. Xander was his. Forever. And now there was no way anyone could ever doubt. "It was bad, then it went away. It just stopped." 
Xander’s eyes grew wide. "Really, what does that mean?" 
"Don’t know," came the response, Spike’s eyes still fixed on the wound. 
"Maybe you can bite me now, try it again." 
"Really," Spike said, hopefully. Sex wasn’t quite the same without a little biting. "Here goes." He slipped back into gameface as Xander exposed his neck.
"BLOODY FUCKING HELL" The pain wracked through him instantly and Spike collapsed on top of Xander, shaking.
"Oh, hell, sorry, sorry, stupid idea." Xander rattled off frantically. He pushed Spike off, ran over and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. "Here, drink."
Spike reached out, panting, the pain still crashing through him. He yanked the bottle open and took a huge drink, then another, then another. Finally, the pain stopped.
Xander just sat next to Spike, stroking his back. He was furious with himself for suggesting something so stupid, but he really thought that something had happened, that maybe the chip had stopped working or something. Apparently not. Finally, Spike stopped shaking from pain. 
"So, guess the fucking thing still works." The words slurred out.
"Guess so."
"Guess shagging is out of the question. Not sure which one of you I want most, probably the one in the middle." **Fuck, or not, can’t even walk. Car. Hill. How will**
"Guess not, we’ll make up for it later."
Xander gathered up their belongings, then wrapped a steady arm around his lover’s **my mate** waist. "C’mon, drunk boy. Let’s go home." Spike just nodded, his head tilting too far back and forward. Xander slowly led them back up the hill, settled Spike in the Jeep and headed home. He kept looking in the mirror, seeing the mark and grinning like a madman.
The Scoobies would just love this.

It was Xander’s turn to pace. The bottles were lined up on the island in the kitchen. There were chips and pretzels on the table. Movies were rented. Music selected. He had finally extracted a promise from Spike that when Buffy came after him, he would allow Xander to intervene. They were due here any minute. Xander knew they were all coming in a group, Giles had agreed to be the designated driver, so at least they would all know at once. He paced again.
"Pet, you’re making me dizzy." 
Spike leaned against the refrigerator, looking the picture of calm. He actually was coiled like a snake, having reviewed all possible exits in case the Slayer reacted very worse than Xander thought. 
"Can’t stand this, tell you what, let’s leave. Did you like Brazil, let’s go to Brazil. Always wanted to see Rio." 
Spike let out a laugh at that. "Don’t forget, this little shindig was your idea. Now, you sure you want to go through with this?" 
"No. Yes. Fuck."
"Well, that would let them in on our little secret wouldn’t it. Walk in to find us going at it on the floor." **Hmm, not a bad idea, that**
"Spike, that’s not helping." **Great, now I’m nervous and horny. Just great**
They heard the elevator, the sounds of the voices coming up the shaft. Then footsteps, then the loud knock. Xander looked over at Spike, who mouthed "love you". With that, Xander opened the door.
"Welcome to our humble abode."
They all came pouring in, thankfully, Buffy was at the back. The praise washed over him. "Great place, wow, do you have the whole thing to yourself, whose Jeep, oh, like the couch, it’s huge," all one big blur of noise.
Then Anya’s voice. "Hey, Spike, didn’t know you were invited."
Everyone turned at that and Spike slowly moved to stand by Xander. **Here we go**
Buffy turned to Xander, "You invited him, why would do that?"
Xander swallowed hard, reached out, took Spike’s hand and looked her straight in the eye.
"Didn’t invite. He lives here."
The room went perfectly still as all attention focused on Xander’s hand grasping Spike’s. Once again, it was Anya’s voice which broke the silence.
"Well, it’s about time you two said something, do you know how hard it’s been to keep acting like it’s a big secret." 
She came bouncing over and kissed Xander on the cheek, tilting her head and deciding to kiss Spike as well, memorizing the expression of shock on his face. 
"Yeah," said Willow, pulling Tara over with her. "I mean, it’s not like you guys have been subtle or anything." She leaned over to kiss Xander as well, chuckling as she saw his grip on Spike’s hand tighten.
Tara just looked at them shyly. "Seriously, Xander, Spike, didn’t you notice that when we had that party last week, the invitation said Xander and Spike." 
At least this got some reaction. Xander and Spike looked at each other. No, they hadn’t noticed. 
"But, how, I mean, we were careful, how, what," Xander began to sputter.
Willow, Tara and Anya just burst into gales of laughter. "Xander, you’ve been walking around on cloud nine for like, a month and Spike’s been even worse. Besides, he looks at you the way I look at Tara." 
"Besides, you are men. You have men subtlety. Like the leaving five minutes apart thing." Anya just shook her head. "So obvious. And, just a suggestion, just because we’re human, well sort of, doesn’t mean we can’t smell sex if you give each other orgasms right before you leave." She rolled her eyes. Men.
Spike and Xander just stared at each other, shocked. They realized, however, that Buffy and Giles were standing perfectly still. As one their heads turned. 
Buffy just stared back at them, the emotions clearly written on her face. Fury, disgust, rage, urge to kill. She stalked quickly over and Xander immediately placed himself between Spike and Buffy. **Oh shit, here it comes** Xander saw her reach down and he felt Spike tense, ready to run. "Buffy, c’mon, let me explain," he began then saw her hand quickly flinch up, throwing the water in his face.
"Hey, what was that for," he yelped out as Spike began to hiss behind him as the holy water splashed onto him. Spike jumped away from Xander, who was still staring down at Buffy. Buffy just looked back at him, confused. 
"Xan, he didn’t, you’re not, you know, a vamp? He didn’t turn you?"
"Fuck, no, you stupid bint," Spike called from, relative, safety behind the counter. "Why would I turn him?"
Buffy just stared back as Xander continued to drip. She had to admit, she was more than a little confused. "Need a minute here guys. Apparently, someone forget to give me the memo that said you two hooked up." She grabbed Xander and yanked him forward, ignoring the growl that instantly came from Spike. "Why don’t you explain?" She let Xander go and noticed that Spike was instantly at his side, reaching out to touch him, then flinching back when he realized that he couldn’t, that Xander was drenched in the holy water.
"Are you done with the sudden water throwing?" Xander asked. This was not at all what he thought would happen. Apparently, Anya, Willow and Tara knew and seemed happy for them. Buffy had only tried to make sure that he hadn’t been turned, hadn’t tried to kill Spike, at least not yet. Giles was just staring at him.
"Yes."
Giles cleared his throat, taking his glasses off and polishing them. So, he had been right. Xander had seemed much happier lately, and Giles had started wondering why. Then, about a week ago, he had heard Xander and Spike having a quiet conversation. He hadn’t heard the words, but he recognized the tone. "Why don’t we all grab a drink, I know I need one, and let Spike and, and Xander explain."
Everyone nodded and moved to grab something, Xander still taking care to stay between Spike and Buffy who were trying to stare each other down. They moved to the living room, arranged themselves and then all looked at he and Spike expectantly.
"Well, since this doesn’t seem to be quite the surprise we thought, guess that’s good." Xander started, not sure how to proceed. He looked over at Spike, smiled slightly and started up.
"Well, a few months ago, Spike and I started to become friends. Some stuff happened," Xander’s face darkened for a moment and he looked back over. Spike just stared back, trying to will Xander his strength. Xander nodded and continued. "Anyway, stuff happened, and Spike was there and helped me deal. He moved back into the basement with me and when I got this place, he came along. Started feeling something more, then that night that he was attacked, we finally admitted what was happening. Told each other we loved each other," a smile unconsciously crossed his face at that, "and now, well, here we are."
Spike looked over at Xander’s friends as his mate finished. Giles looked back at him warily, Anya was grinning, Willow and Tara were beaming and Buffy, well she looked confused but not murderous. Much better than expected.
"So, you two are together," Buffy started. This was completely unexpected. She looked back at Xander. "I didn’t know you were gay." 
"Neither did I," came the quiet reply. 
"And now you’re with Spike," Buffy shook her head. Glaring over, she rose, stalking toward the blond who simply backed away. Xander again darted over to place himself between the two.
"Buffy, look, he didn’t do anything, I love him, you can’t stake him. This was my decision."
Buffy just glared at him. "Fine. I won’t stake him, yet." She pushed Xander out of the way, moving directly in front of Spike. "If you hurt him, in ANY way," a stake quickly dropped into her hand, "Then I won’t hesitate for a second." She pressed the tip of the stake into Spike’s chest. "I mean it. You hurt him, you’re dust."
Spike just looked back down at her. "Slayer, if I hurt him, I’ll stake myself. Wouldn’t give anyone else the pleasure." 
Buffy just stared back at him, searching his face. The blue eyes stared steadily back, the truth apparent there. She pushed the stake back into her sleeve. "Fine. As long as we all understand." She walked back over to the couch. "Now, I just want to make one thing clear, Alexander Lavelle Harris. I get to be just as nice and supportive of you and your vampire boyfriend as you were of me and mine." She grinned. "So, how did you and Deadboy hook up?" 
Spike and Xander stared at the ceiling. The party had gone quite well after that, everyone laughing, getting more and more drunk. Xander had gone to dry off and Spike went with him, still wary of the Slayer’s reaction. But, when they came back out, hand in hand, Buffy had just rolled her eyes but said nothing. The rest of the night had gone well, everyone sharing their best imitations of the look on Spike’s face when Anya had made the crack about the orgasms and Xander’s reaction to the water. Totally unexpected. 
"Guess we were wrong about them," Spike suddenly said.
"Guess so," came the sleepy reply.
"Guess they really are your friends."
"No, guess they really are our friends."
"Guess so." 
With that, they both fell asleep.

Six months later
"I cannot believe you bloody got me back in Wal-Mart." Spike growled out. The bribe this time had been the promise that he could push the cart.
"Well, you’re the one who ate all the ice cream and nothing else is open at this time of night. Morning. Whatever. Besides, we need some other stuff, too." Xander looked down at the list. "Let’s start over with the toothbrushes, can get the other bathroom type stuff."
Spike just nodded. He had finally talked Xander into going to college and, since Xander made sure to take afternoon classes, they were on almost the same schedule. Xander had fought him at first, but Spike could be very persuasive. Actually, it was the support that Spike had given that had convinced Xander to try. Xander had always wanted to go to college, but, since his grades were so bad, most people had just assumed he wasn’t that bright. Spike had finally made him see otherwise, had forced him to check into it, had called around, had gotten the information, had filled out the application, had sent in the check. Basically done everything but drag Xander to class the first day and Xander was pretty sure that Spike would have found a way to do that if he hadn’t gone on his own. 
He was enjoying it, discovering that, yes, he was actually pretty smart. He hadn’t decided a major yet, but was taking his time. The most surprising part was realizing that Spike could actually be a huge help. Xander had gradually realized that Spike was far more educated then any of them had ever suspected. In fact, Xander had a sneaking suspicion that Spike had gone to university himself at some point. Xander hadn’t asked, he was waiting until Spike reached just the right state of intoxication.
"Need soap, too." 
Xander just nodded throwing cotton balls into the cart. "I’m going to go pick out toothbrushes, why don’t you get the soap then." He started to move away, when Spike grabbed him. 
"What, no kiss goodbye?" An eyebrow quirked up. 
"I’m going ten feet." A token protest.
"Your point being?"
Xander laughed, leaned over and kissed Spike. They usually didn’t kiss in public, not wanting to draw any undue attention, but it was 3:30 on a Wednesday morning, who could possibly see them. 
"Always knew you were a fucking faggot." The harsh voice slapped into them, the scent of alcohol close behind.
Spike instantly went rigid. He knew that voice. Xander’s bastard of a father.
Xander looked up, in shock. He hadn’t seen or heard from his parents since he left. He had no desire to even act like they were alive. Now, here his father was, watching him kiss Spike. He heard the growling come from Spike and reached out just as Spike began to spring forward. "Stop it, not here, security cameras," he managed to hiss out, pulling Spike back with all his might. 
Spike just continued to growl, yellow flickering through his eyes. The mere fact that piece of shit was still walking was an insult to everything he held dear. But he backed down.
"Dad," Xander said, looking straight into his father’s eyes. "What I do with my life is none of your fucking business." 
"Don’t you speak to me like that, boy. You show some respect." A finger reached out, jabbing towards Xander’s chest. That was too much for Spike. Moving in front of Xander, he let himself morph into full gameface. He saw the shock cross the bastard’s face, felt the scent of fear rush out of him. Good. At least he could do this.
"You don’t deserve to speak to him. You never speak to him again. You are nothing to him." The words were a vicious growl and Spike’s hands clenched and unclenched as the longing to just rip the motherfucker’s head off raced through him. He felt Xander’s hand touch his back.
"Let’s just go. He isn’t worth this." The words were spat out as Xander simply walked away, refusing to even look at the man who claimed to be his father. Spike followed, turning back for one last hiss. 
Xander walked quickly out the doors, head high, Spike right on his heels. He made it to his Jeep before he started to shake. Spike immediately grabbed him, running his hands over Xander’s back, making quiet, soothing sounds. 
"Fuck"
"Yes, luv, that pretty much sums it up."
"Can’t believe he still makes me feel like that."
"I know," Spike felt the tic on his cheek as he clenched his teeth together. "He can’t hurt you now, though." 
"I know." Xander buried his head in Spike’s shoulder, taking a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scent. "Let’s go, don’t want him to come out and see us." Spike just nodded.
They got into the Jeep, Spike driving since Xander was still shaking too much, and drove home. Neither noticed the car following them.
One week later
Xander heard the elevator coming up. He glanced at the door. That was quick. Spike had just left for coffee about ten minutes before. Xander was studying for an American literature exam and needed the caffeine. He walked over, opening the door as he heard the footsteps approach, still reading the book in his hand. He pulled open the door.
"Hey that was fast," he never got another word out as he felt the fist slam into his cheek. Shocked, he fell back, smelling the alcohol, feeling the rage coming from the man in front of him. His father stared down, hatred evident on his face.
"Fucking faggot, prancing about, everyone laughing at me," he heard the words as his father grabbed him and threw him into the wall. The back of his head hit hard and he fell, seeing stars. He frantically tried to fight back, to reach the door, to get away. He felt the kicks to his ribs and he collapsed again, curling protectively to shield his face. 
"You disgrace, should have killed you a long time ago," again he was thrown to the wall, but this time closer to the door. He reached out, pulling away, just as he saw the gleam of steel in his father’s hand. "I can fix that though."
Xander managed to hit the panic button on the alarm just as the knife was buried to its hilt in his chest.

Part Twelve  

Spike hummed along happily to the Sex Pistols. He had gone, gotten the
coffee, stopped to pick up some Chinese, stopped at the store to get some
chocolate and was now heading home. His Xander was studying, intent on
doing well, intent on proving everyone wrong. It was so wonderful to see
him changing, becoming more and more confident every day. Xander was
growing up, growing into the strong, sure man that Spike had always known
he would be. It was magical, like watching a tree grow, or a mountain
form. Every day was something new. Spike hadn’t realized that such
happiness existed.

He turned down their alleyway, startled by the lights suddenly before him.
He felt panic begin to rise as he pulled forward, seeing the blue and red
strobes, hearing the voices, seeing one, two, no three police cars and two
ambulances. He slammed on the brakes, ripped open the door and took off
at a dead run.

“Xander,” the scream ripped through him. “Xander”

Strong arms grabbed him as he came to the police cars.

“Sir, sir you can’t go in there.” The words vaguely registered as he
desperately tried to pull away. The pain hit him and he jumped back,
furious, desperate.

“Please, Xander, what happened, Xander, where is he. . .” Frantically, he
turned to look at the officer holding him. “Xander.” He turned back, the
scent of blood hitting him from this distance. He managed to yank away
and leapt over the hood of the car blocking his path, moving as quickly as
he could towards the stretcher coming out the door. Again, he was
stopped.

“Sir, please you can’t go in there. It’s a crime scene.” At that he
whirled around, yellow eyes blazing. He saw the shock on the young man’s
face, but he didn’t care. “Sir, please, calm down, who are you?”

“William, I’m Xander’s mate.” Spike managed to pant the words out, still
straining to move ahead. Again, he saw the confusion there. “Boyfriend,
I’m his boyfriend. What happened, please?” He hadn’t been gone that
long, what the fuck happened.

“Sir, your boyfriend, Xander, he was attacked,” came a quiet reply behind
him. Spike turned again, growing dizzy at the words, looking over to see
a calm face staring back at him. “He was beaten and stabbed,” Spike
began to howl as the words sank into him. He frantically tried to pull
free. “Sir, calm down. He’s on his way to the hospital. He managed to
hit the alarm and we were here in about five minutes. We shot the man who
did this. We can take you to the hospital if you like, just please calm
down.”

Spike slowed a little, the calm words reaching through his rage. 
Attacked. While he was gone. He had failed. He had promised that
nothing would ever happen to Xander. He had failed. Spike crashed to the
ground as his legs finally gave way. Strong hands pulled him back up.

“Sir,” “William,” he faintly heard whispered next to him. “William, he’s
still alive, he’s on his way to the hospital. I’m sure you want to go. 
Do you want us to take you?”

Spike managed to nod a yes and felt himself being led to a police car. He
closed his eyes as the siren ripped through the night. Xander. Xander. 
Bleeding. Stabbed. Dying.

“He was attacked.” The quiet words were pulled from him. 

“Yes, someone came into the apartment and it appears there was a struggle
and he was stabbed.” Spike hissed at the words. Stabbed. Bleeding.
Dying. Alone. He began to shake in rage.

“You shot who did this.”

“Yes,” came the simple reply.

Spike looked down at his shaking hands. They were flying along. **At
least the tosser driving knows his stuff** “So he was still there when
you got there.” Spike felt his heart break, knew his mind wasn’t far
behind. Stabbed. Bleeding. Dying. Alone.

“William,” he looked over at the officer’s face, for the first time
registering that it was a woman sitting next to him, that he was in the
backseat. “William, please, I know this is hard, but just listen. Xander
managed to hit the panic on the alarm. We got there in about five
minutes. When we arrived, Xander was lying on the floor, stabbed.” The
woman reached her hand out as Spike began to shake. “William, just, try
to be strong, Xander’s going to need you to be strong.”

“Is the fucker still alive,” he hissed out, yellow flashing through his
eyes. **Please, whatever gods or demons, please let him be alive so I can
kill him**

“Yes, at the moment. He’s going to the hospital as well.” Spike just
nodded.

They pulled into the hospital and Spike jumped out the door before the car
had stopped. He ran into the emergency room, following the scent of
Xander’s blood which seemed to drench everything around him. He heard the
shouts behind him, heard the screams to stop, but he didn’t care. 
Stabbed. Bleeding. Dying. Alone. He couldn’t let that happen.

Once again, he was yanked back, this time by several pairs of hands. 
“Sir, you can’t go in there it’s the trauma room. Sir, stop, sir.” Spike
just struggled, desperate to break free. Again, pain crashed into him and
he dropped to his knees, a scream of rage tearing through him. He felt a
warm hand touch the side of his face.

“William,” it was the female officer again. “William, the doctors are
with him. They have to help him. I know you want to see him but you’ll
just get in the way.” She led Spike over to the chairs, sitting him down.
He turned back to the doors, training all his senses on hearing the
sounds. He could still hear Xander’s heartbeat, could pick it out from
everything else. Shutting all other sounds out, he trained on just that
sound. So slow, so weak, but still there. He realized that she was
talking again.

“and I’m sorry to ask.”

“What,” Spike managed to whisper, never taking his eyes from the door. 

“Can I ask you some questions,” again, quietly, calmly, like she was
trying to soothe a savage beast.

“Sure,” Spike replied, still listening for that sound.

“Where were you,” she started and found herself faced with a vicious
glare.

“You think I had something to do with this, that’s my mate, my mate, do
you understand, when he dies, I die.” Spike hissed at her, the rage
building inside him. The only reason he didn’t scream was to prevent them
from coming to tranquilize him, to take him away from his mate.

“That’s not it, just trying to get a sense of what happened.” She calmly
looked back, waiting as Spike finally nodded. “Can you tell me about what
you did tonight?”

“Stayed in, Xander has a big test tomorrow, he was studying. Ran out of
coffee, asked me to go get some, I did, stopped for some Chinese, some
chocolate,” Spike’s voice trailed off. He had left him, had abandoned him
there. His fault, all his fault.

Officer Healy just nodded, jotting the information down. She looked back
up. “Have you had any problems with burglary, anything like that?” The
alarm system had been top of the line.

“No.” Spike could still hear Xander’s heart, still beating, still alive.

“Well, like I said, the man who attacked him is here. Once they get your
boyfriend stabilized, do you think you could see if you can identify him?”
She didn’t want to upset William further, didn’t want to tell him they
had found a wallet and knew who it was.
Spike just nodded. “Would you like something to drink?” 

Spike shook his head, he wasn’t going to move, not until someone told him
what they were doing to his Xander. He felt the warm touch again, looked
over, saw the concern in the green eyes.

“I’ll see if I can find a nurse or someone else to tell you what’s
happening.” Spike nodded gratefully, then resumed his vigil, hands
shaking. He closed his eyes, focusing only on that sound.

After what seemed to be an eternity, he felt a hand on his shoulder. 
Looking up, he saw the officer standing with another man, white coat, some
kind of doctor.

“William, this is Dr. Hume. He’s one of the doctors who was taking care
of Xander.”

“Please, you have to help him, all I have, please,” the words came
tumbling out.

“William, Xander is stable now. We had to take him to surgery.” Another
hiss at that. “He sustained a quite significant stab wound to his chest
near his heart. We are going in to close it up. He lost a lot of blood,
but we were able to replace that fairly quickly. He also has some broken
ribs, looks like he hit his head.”

“Will, will he live?” Spike forced the question out, looking up,
desperate for an answer.

“Depends on the surgery.” Spike just stared at the doctor. “He’s stable
and we can control the blood loss, but we have to find out how deep the
knife went.” The doctor sat down as Spike’s head sank into his hands. 
“I’m not trying to upset you, just telling you the truth. Signs are good.
The rate of blood loss has significantly slowed, which indicates that the
heart itself wasn’t punctured.”

Spike nodded, unable to speak. Surgery, they had to cut his Xander open. 
Someone would pay. His head shot up and he pinned the woman to the wall
with a glare.

“Where’s fucking bastard who did this?” Rage began to build, it didn’t
matter how much it hurt, he was going to make the prick pay.

“Being stitched up, the bullet just went through his shoulder.” 

Spike rose. “I want to see him.”

Nodding, Officer Healy led him down the hall. She stopped before opening
the door. “Look, I just want you to identify him. Nothing more. No
matter what you want to do, you can’t.” Spike’s eyes thinned to slits,
then he nodded. It wouldn’t help Xander if he was arrested on the spot. 
Satisfied, she pushed open the door.

Spike entered in one dark swirl of his duster. There, handcuffed to the
bed. He took one look, turned around and headed out the door.

“Do you know who that is?” 

“His fucking father. Were you planning on telling me that Xander had been
raped as well?” He spit out the words.

Officer Healy just stared at him. Xander had been raped, but she hadn’t
wanted to mention it. William seemed unstable enough as was. “How did
you know that?” She managed to get the question out with some degree of
control.

“Bastard’s been doing it since he was eleven.” 

Her eyes grew wide, both at the information and at the sound of the words.
She had never heard anything like it, it sounded like William was
growling. It also contained the plainest threat of violence that she had
ever heard. It was clear that Xander’s father was a dead man. Not that
she disagreed. She had been there when the first set of officers had
entered the apartment, had seen the blood, heard the sound of violation. 
She knew that the officer who shot that being in the other room was
thrilled that he had left him alive once they opened both wallets and
compared the names on the driver’s licenses. What was going to happen to
him in prison was much, much worse than death.

Spike began to pace, desperate for activity, damning the chip in his brain
for the millionth time. A nurse approached them cautiously, the blond man
radiated anger. “William?”

Spike stopped, “Yes?”

The nurse looked at him in fear. “Dr. Hume said to bring you to the
waiting room. He thought you might be more comfortable there.” Spike
began to follow her as Officer Healy trailed behind.

“William, is there anyone you would like to call?” Obviously not the
boy’s parents, that was sure.

Spike stopped, turned around. “Yes, he has,” he swallowed, started over. 
“We have some friends,” He saw the phone in her outstretched hand. He
took it gratefully, dialing the number from memory.

“Lo,” came the sleepy answer.

“Buffy.”

“Spike,” Buffy sat up in a panic. Spike only called her Buffy when
something was very, very wrong. She looked at the clock. 1:23 a.m. 
“Spike, what is it?’

“Xander, he’s hurt, we’re at the hospital.” Buffy heard the sheer terror
in Spike’s voice. “He was stabbed, they took him to surgery, they said it
was his heart.” Buffy felt her breath catch in her throat. “Please, get
everyone, hurry.”

“We’ll be right, there. Spike, honey, he’ll be okay.” There was no
response. Just a dial tone.

===============================================================

Willow looked over at Spike. Buffy had called everyone, telling them only
that Xander was hurt and was at the hospital. She and Tara had gone to
pick up Buffy and Giles and Anya met them at the hospital. They were
shocked when a police officer had met them at the door, then ushered them
into the waiting room where Spike sat, staring straight ahead. He hadn’t
looked up when they arrived, hadn’t indicated he knew they were there at
all. But when Buffy had crouched next to him, asked him what had
happened, he had answered in a flat, emotionless tone. Xander had been
studying. He left. Xander had been beaten and stabbed. He was in
surgery. That was all he had said. They had been given a private waiting
area and were arranged around the room

That was three hours ago. They were still waiting for news. Spike hadn’t
moved the entire time, had just sat there, staring. Watching the door
they had been told the surgeon would come through. Three hours and he
hadn’t so much as blinked.

They all started when Spike suddenly jumped up and began moving for the
door. A few seconds later, the door opened and a tall, dark haired man
came into the room. He looked down at a chart in his hand then back up. 
“William,” he gently called.

Spike walked straight ahead, desperately scenting the air, trying to smell
Xander on this man. He was shocked when the surgeon’s eyes met his. It
was the same doctor who had fixed Xander those long months ago. The
surgeon looked just as shocked.

“Master, I didn’t realize. . . Master, he will be fine. Please, don’t
worry, he’s alive, he’s well, he will recover, he will be just fine.” 
Spike just continued to stare as the surgeon went on. “Master Spike,
please, if you can just sit for a moment, so I can explain.” Dr. O’Rourke
slowly became aware of the others in the room. Glancing over, he stopped
cold. **Surely that’s the Slayer** Shaking his head, he gently lowered
Spike into a chair.

“He’s alive.” Spike closed his eyes, repeating the words. “He’s alive.”

“Yes, the knife pierced the pericardium, the sac surrounding the heart,
but missed the heart itself. We were able to repair it without any
problems.” Dr. O’Rourke could see the tension begin to drain from the
vampire sitting next to him. “A few ribs were also broken but those were
easily reset. He has a concussion, some other wounds. He’s in recovery
now, probably will be there for a few more hours, we were in surgery for
about four hours so the anesthesia needs some time to wear off. He’ll
make a full recovery, just will be sore for a long time.”

Spike looked over, waves of gratitude hitting him. Twice, this man had
saved his Xander twice.

“Doctor, I do not know how to thank you,” he began, hearing the waver in
his voice. “He is my mate, my everything.” Spike stopped as the tears
began to fall. “Everything. Are you sure he’s fine?”

Dr. O’Rourke nodded. “Yes. Now, he’ll need to stay here for a week or
so, we had to crack open his chest,” he felt Spike go rigid next to him. 
“So, he’ll be in a lot of pain. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure we do the
best we can to stop that. After that, it’ll be a few months until he’s
completely back on his feet, but once he recovers, he’ll be just the same.
There’s a private set of rooms on the seventh floor that are windowless,
I’ll make sure he’s moved there. You can stay with him as long as you
want."

“Thank you.” The tears continued down Spike’s face, but he didn’t care,
couldn’t care. Xander was alive, Xander would be fine. That was all that
mattered. The surgeon stood and Spike stood with him. “Thank you.”

Dr. O’Rourke just nodded. “If you would like, I’ll take you down to
recovery. No one’s really supposed to go in there, but I’ll make sure
they leave you alone. Don’t be upset by all the machinery, it’s just
monitoring equipment.” Spike nodded and began to follow the doctor, the
rest of the gang fast on their heels.

They walked down a corridor, then into a large room. Xander’s bed was the
only one there. Spike practically ran over, hissing at the sheer number
of tubes coming from that frail body. He reached out, took Xander’s
hand.

“Xander, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I love you, please, you’ll be fine, I’m
sorry.”

Everyone else held back, just watching. 

“Xander, I love you. Wake up soon. I want to see you. Please,” a quiet
sob. “Please, forgive me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Any doubts that had remained about the depths of Spike’s feelings were
answered by the sound of his voice, the despair and pain contained in the
words. Spike reached out, tracing a finger over the faint scar on
Xander’s neck.

“Mine. You are mine. I will avenge you. I promise that.” 

“Master,” Spike heard the words, but refused to look up. Xander. Xander
alive. Xander breathing. Xander’s heart still beating. “Master, we’re
going to take him up to the room now, you can come with if you would
like.” Spike just nodded. There was no way he was leaving Xander’s side.
Not ever again.

The orderlies began to wheel the bed out, Spike still clutching Xander’s
hand. They moved to an elevator, then all piled around as they rose to
the seventh floor. The large entourage moved into a suite of rooms at the
end of a long hall. Spike was forced to move as they arranged Xander in
the room. Finally, he was allowed back, allowed to take Xander’s hand
again. He felt Giles move behind him, heard the sound of something moving
on the floor, felt himself being pushed down into a chair. His hand never
left Xander’s hand, his eyes never left Xander’s face. He vaguely
registered everyone else arranging themselves around the bed, but he
didn’t care. Xander was alive. That was all that mattered.


His chest burned, his throat burned, his eyes burned, hell, his hair
burned. Xander slowly came awake, hearing a strange beeping noise, aching
all over. Gradually, the events of the night came back to him. He had
been stabbed. He remembered that, then nothing else. He could feel
something cool next to him and he slowly opened his eyes. The first thing
he saw was Spike’s face, red tracks from tears streaking the pale skin. 
Spike’s eyes staring into his, worry, pain, grief, a touch of furious
rage. He felt Spike’s hand in his and he gave a quick squeeze.

“Love you,” he managed to croak out. 

“Shh, don’t speak. I love you. I’m sorry.” Spike’s voice, thick with
grief and pain.

“Not your fault.” Xander tried to continue but couldn’t, his mouth too
dry. He suddenly felt an ice chip being held to his lips.

“Here, suck this, it will help. You’re in the hospital. Then had to
operate but you’ll be fine.” Spike’s voice trembled. “Everyone’s here,
we’re all here, don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Go back to sleep.” He
didn’t want Xander to go, wanted him here, but Spike could see the
exhaustion on his mate’s face. “I’ll be here when you wake up again,
don’t worry.” A cool hand ran through Xander’s hair. “I’ll never leave
you again. I love you. Sleep now.”

“Spike, love you.” He felt a gentle kiss on his lips. 

“Sleep, we’ll talk when you wake up.” Xander just nodded, he was so
tired. He closed his eyes and fell back asleep.

Spike just stared down at the battered body. “I swear, if it’s the last
thing I do, I’ll feed you his heart.” He pressed another gentle kiss to
Xander’s lips, then scooted the chair so that he could rest his head on
the pillow next to Xander’s. He was so tired. Now that he had seen
Xander, heard his voice, he could sleep. He quickly feel asleep, never
noticing the soft hands wrapping a blanket around him, never feeling the
kiss dropped on his brow.

Buffy stepped back, looking down on them, Willow at her side. 

“He loves him.”

“Yes.”

“I hope someone loves me like that someday,” Buffy said softly.

“They will.”

Buffy just nodded. “Where’s that cop? I have to find out who did this.” 
Buffy stalked out of the room, everyone else following her.

“Buffy, why?” Giles called out, trying to keep up. 

“Well, it must be human or Spike would have ripped it into tiny pieces
already.” An evil look crossed her face. “So, I have a plan. I’ll find
the monster who did this and let Spike tell me just how to torture him. I
know it’s not quite the same, but it’s the best I can do.”

She continued down the hall, leaving a stunned group behind her.

Part Thirteen  

Buffy just stared at the policeman in shock. No, she shook her head
firmly. No, this was impossible. This could not be happening. There was
no way the words he was saying could be true. Her hands balled into fists
as she moved to stand immediately in front of the man blocking her way
into the hospital room. No. This could not be.

“I already told you, miss, you can’t go in there. This is an ongoing
investigation.”

“Get. Out. Of. My. Way.” She glared up at him, violence pouring off her
in waves. This, this, this idiot was standing in her way, was in between
her and whatever it was that had almost killed Xander. She reached up,
ready to simply throw the stupid cop over her shoulder when she felt
Giles’s hand grab her arm.

“Sir, sir,” Giles managed to call out as he yanked the startled Slayer
away. “We are friends of the, the victim,” his voice caught a little at
that. “And we want to know what happened.” He turned his best
authoritative glare on the man, the one that sometimes even managed to get
Spike to listen. Buffy began to squirm in his arms.

“Let go, Giles, why did you,” she hissed out.

“Because there are witnesses and other police and you don’t want that
attention,” came the quiet answer in her ear. Buffy’s eyes widened
slightly then she nodded. Fuck. She hated it when Giles was right.

The policeman turned his attention to Giles, clearly glad to speak to an
adult. “As I was telling the girl,” Buffy bristled at that, “the
investigation is ongoing. There is no way you can go in there.” The
harsh voice softened a little. The group staring back at him obviously
were friends of that boy they had brought in. “Look, the bastard who did
this got shot for his trouble, he’s not going anywhere for a long time.” 
Not for a very long time if what he had picked up on the radio was true. 
He looked down at the pretty blonde staring back at him, fire in her eyes.
It looked like she was ready to tear whatever hurt her friend from limb
to limb, and, if that sick prick chained to the bed in there had really
stabbed and raped his own kid, well, he was tempted to let her. Couldn’t
though. “Why don’t you just go back, stay with your friend. I’m sure
that he would appreciate the support when he comes to.”

Buffy just glared back. No. She wanted to see for herself what beast had
done this, what sick thing had dared come after Xander in his own home. 
Frustrated, she turned back to Giles.

“No. I’m going in there.” She began to move forward again, and this time
it was Willow who stopped her.

“Buffy, I want to go in there too, but, he’s right, we can’t.” Willow’s
voice shook. Her best friend, her family was lying in a hospital bed,
lucky to be alive. And the thing that did it was right behind her and she
couldn’t destroy it. Not yet. “Xander needs us. We’ll go back, maybe
that nice lady cop will come by later.”

Buffy hurled once last hateful look at the officer, who flinched back as
if slapped.

“Fine, be the voice of reason why don’t you.” 

She stalked back towards Xander’s room, shaking with impotent fury. A
sudden thought flashed through her mind. **This must be what Spike feels,
can’t do anything, can’t protect him** Her stomach twisted at the
thought. She knew how protective Spike was, remembered clearly the way he
had done anything to help Dru, even teaming with her, his mortal enemy. 
Some part of her recognized that what Spike felt for Xander was far
stronger than what Spike had felt for Dru. And now Spike was reduced to
sitting and waiting, unable to bring back the monster’s heart as a fitting
present for his love. The rage inside her burned higher. Fine. She
could wait. Give them more time to plan. Give Spike a chance to show her
exactly how to use those railroad spikes that earned him his name.

The gang turned back with her, moving smoothly together as they always
did. Giles moved to Buffy’s side, anxious to speak with her.

“Buffy, what exactly did you mean earlier?” He looked over, curious. He
agreed completely, whatever had caused Xander such pain must die. But to
hear it come from his charge. . . The greatest crime a Slayer could
commit was to kill a human. And it sounded like Buffy intended to do
exactly that.

“I mean that since Spike can’t avenge Xander, I will do it for him.” The
words were flat, nearly emotionless. Nearly. The coldness of the tone
served to only hide the fire behind the thought.

“Buffy,” he reached to take off his glasses, the gesture not calming him
like it should. “You can’t kill a human either.”

Buffy came to an abrupt halt, causing Willow and Tara to nearly run into
her, while Anya managed to stop just before crashing straight into Giles. 
She looked up, unnamable emotions playing across her face.

“Who said anything about killing?” She knew killing was out. No one had
mentioned anything about not torturing humans, however.

Anya smiled proudly at Buffy. She had always known the Slayer had it in
her. “That’s true, Giles. I know that Slayers can’t kill humans but in
all my time I never heard anyone say they couldn’t hurt them. I mean,
I’ve seen Buffy accidentally hurt humans sometimes and nothing happened. 
So, obviously, she could just hurt him a little. A lot. I know this
great thing,” she turned to the witches excitedly. She was just as angry
as the rest of them. Just because she had left Xander didn’t mean she
didn’t still care for him. “Where can we get some lizard eyes, we’ll need
them to make the paste. . .”

Giles quickly cut her off, recognizing the glint in her eye. “Buffy,
technically, I suppose that’s true, but this is a police matter. You
heard the man, they caught him, shot him, even, so there’s nothing we can
do.” He heard the faint hint of disappointment in his voice.

“Giles, what are they going to do? Send him to prison for a little. Fuck
that. He has to pay.” They started walking down the hall towards
Xander’s room.


“Get the fuck away from him.”

Spike stood toe to toe with the two men who were trying to wake his
Xander. He had suddenly jerked awake, sensing something in the room and
had found these bastards trying to shake Xander awake. He had
instinctively started to slip into gameface, but the warning flash of pain
had been enough to restore his control. He knew he had to maintain his
human façade to ensure that he could remain at his beloved’s side. That
didn’t mean he couldn’t still try to protect what was his, though.

“Sir, look, we need to speak with him.” One of the detectives held up his
hands trying to calm the furious man in front of him. **Wow, they were
right, he’s like an animal** Officer Healy had warned them before going
up that Xander had a very protective boyfriend and to be careful how they
approached the situation. They had nodded, sure they could handle an
upset partner. They hadn’t been prepared in the least for the predatory
glare which now confronted them.

“Sir,” the other detective started, only to find vicious blue eyes staring
him down. He stopped, swallowing hard. “Sir, we just need to talk to
your boyfriend there, just need to find out what happened.” He spoke in
what he hoped was a soothing manner, sure that the man before him was
growling.

“Sod off. He’s sleeping.” The growling had changed to a snarl. “Heard
you already know. The fucker broke in, stabbed Xander,” Spike’s eyes shut
as his whole body shook at that thought. “Stabbed him, raped him,”
Spike’s voice went quiet at that. He looked down, barely controlling his
rage. He looked back up, only the shaking of his voice and the faint
flickers of yellow in his eyes betraying him. “You showed up, shot the
bastard. Brought him here.” Spike swallowed hard. “Not much else to
find out now is there. Get out.”

The detectives turned as they heard several people enter the room. A
small blonde, a middle aged man, a small redhead holding hands with
another girl, yet another girl.

“Spike, what’s wrong? Who are they?” Willow moved quickly to his side,
taking a hand, trying to calm him down.

“They’re leaving.” Spike continued to stare them down even as he curled
his fingers into Willow’s.

“Sir, we really need to speak to him,” the detectives began again, only to
find the small blonde had suddenly moved in front of them as well.

“No. He’s sleeping. Let him be.” Buffy folded her arms. This she could
do. Some small way to protect Xander.

“Listen, we aren’t trying to hurt him,” **Great now there’s a whole group
of them**

“Spike”

The small voice stopped everyone in the room. Spike turned and was by
Xander’s side in an instant.

“I’m here, luv. I’m here.” He reached over to get some ice, running a
cool hand through Xander’s hair, heart breaking as he looked into those
brown eyes. “How do you feel?” Everything else faded away, only Xander
mattered, only Xander remained.

“Like I got stabbed,” came the faint voice, a small smile crossing his
lips. Spike just stared down at him. “Hey, give me a break, not at my
best here.” He reached over, taking his lover’s hand.

Xander just stared into Spike’s eyes. He hurt. Everywhere. All over. 
The incision in his chest burned, his ribs ached with every breath. He
could feel where his father had ripped into him. It didn’t matter. He
was holding Spike’s hand, feeling Spike’s fingers in his hair, hearing the
quiet purring rolling down. Happiness spread through him. He thought he
had lost them all forever.

He gradually became aware that the room was filled, that the rest of the
gang was there, that there were some strange men still fighting with
Buffy.

“Spike, what’s going on?”

“Some stupid gits who want to talk to you. Slayer will make them go
away.” Spike continued to smooth his hands over every part of Xander he
could touch, careful not to pull any of the wires or tubes that still
covered Xander’s body. “Do you hurt, do you want the doctor?”

“No, I’m fine.” He heard a snort at that. “Ok, not fine, but you know.” 
He swallowed, needing to know, but not wanting to ask. “You know what
happened.” A statement.

“Yes. Do you know they shot him?” Spike’s eyes flashed yellow at the
look of shame that suddenly crossed Xander’s face, the scent of it
striking him. Spike took a calming breath, the unnecessary action
focusing his attention away from the rage that still burned him.

“Is he alive?” 

“Yes. Not for long.” The promise of it rang strong in Spike’s voice. 
Xander just nodded.

He looked up to see the two men still engaged in a furious battle with
Buffy. He smiled again, the men seemed surprised that such a little thing
was so effective at keeping them away. “Who are they?”

Spike just glanced up, uncaring. “Some wankers from the police, want to
talk to you. Told them to sod off.” He spared another second to make
sure that the Slayer was still holding them back. Good. **Knew she had
some use**

Xander nodded again then tried to sit up, a wave of pain hitting him as he
did so. **That’s not a good idea** “Um, Spike, what did they want to
know?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care.” 

“Spike, I’m going to have to talk to them,” Xander sighed. This was not
going to go well, he was so tired, still a little hazy from all the
medicine. However, the sooner he got it over with, the sooner it would be
done.

“No,” Spike began. There was no way in hell that he was going to let them
upset Xander, not now, not while those dark circles were under his eyes,
that tube still under his nose, that thin line of blood visible where the
incision had ripped open Xander’s chest. “No fucking way.”

“Spike, look I don’t want to do this either, but you know I have to,
they’ll just keep bothering us if I don’t. Besides,” a small smile again
crossed his face. “I’m still kinda drugged up, won’t remember it later I
bet.” **Liar, liar, pants on fire** The feel of his father’s hands
throwing him into the wall, the sound of his father’s voice, the sick look
of triumph on his father’s face when he raised the knife, the sound of it
sinking into his flesh, the pain which had ripped him in two, the utter
shock as his blood gushed out of his body, the agony of knowing, knowing
that he would never touch Spike again, never get to say his name, never
tell him he loved him, never again, all were burned into him. He would
never forget that.

“No.” There was no way that Spike was going to let them upset Xander. 
No. **So pale, so cold** “You’re cold, where’s another blanket?” Spike
turned his head slightly. “Red, get me a blanket, there’s a luv.”

“Spike,” the vampire turned back, hearing the note of resolution in
Xander’s voice. “Stop it. I have to do this. Have to get it over with.”

Spike looked down. He knew that look. The look that said “Hey, you won’t
like it. Tough shit. Still doing it.” Spike let out another sigh.

“Fine, pet, but the rest are leaving.” No need to have an audience,
besides, Spike knew there would be questions that Xander wouldn’t want to
answer quite yet. He knew they would ask about all the past times, knew
that Xander would finally have to discuss it, finally have to admit all
that happened. It was going to be hard enough without having to tell his
friends that way.

“Deal.” Xander nodded shakily. He didn’t want to see the looks on
everyone’s faces, couldn’t deal with that quite yet.

“Sure, pet?” At the quick nod, he leaned over, kissed Xander quickly,
then stood.

“Right. Well mates, against my better judgment, the whelp there will talk
to you. But the rest of you have to leave.” He heard the protests, but
ignored them. “Out. Now.” A low growl accompanied the words, making it
clear there was no choice.

Giles gathered up the protesting gang, catching Spike’s eye on the way. 
There was something very wrong here. There was no reason for Spike to
throw them all out if Xander was just going to give a statement about what
happened. It may be upsetting, but surely Xander wouldn’t want to explain
twice. Spike just looked back. Giles frowned. Something was very wrong.
Giles heard Spike pull the door shut behind him, blocking out any further
questions.


Xander let out a heavy sigh. It had not gone well at all. The detectives
were polite, calm but insistent. They made him go through everything that
happened over and over, and it had been all Xander could do to keep Spike
from trying to rip their throats out. Spike had sat next to him, getting
him water, holding his hand, trying to pour his strength into Xander. The
worst had been when they had started questioning him about the rape. He
didn’t remember it, not really. Once the knife had pierced his flesh, he
had collapsed in agony. He vaguely recalled feeling his pants pulled
down, but that was about it. But they had kept questioning him, kept
pushing him and he had been forced to reveal everything, even things he
had never told Spike. He had been very glad at that moment that Spike had
turned his back to the men, because the second he mentioned how he could
always tell when it was coming by the sound of the footsteps on the
stairs, Spike had gone all vamp. The yellow eyes burned into his, a vow
of retribution present there. One hand had continued to hold his, but the
other had moved to the grasp the arm of the chair. Xander had focused on
that hand as he spoke, the years of abuse pouring out of him, watching as
Spike slowly crushed the arm, bending the metal into unrecognizable
shapes.

When he had finished, he had been handed some business cards. Spike had
ushered them out and then returned to his side. Xander had started to
cry, but every breath just caused more pain. Spike had held him for a
short time before getting a nurse, insisting that they gave him some kind
of pain medication. The medicine hit him fast and he had fallen into a
heavy sleep. Now, he was awake once again and could hear the quiet fight
above him.

“Look, Watcher, it’s none of your fucking business.”

“Spike,” the familiar sound of exasperation. “Be realistic. Sooner or
later, we are going to find out what happened. It’s obvious that
something beyond a simple attack occurred. Once the police press charges,
everyone will know. You might as well tell us.”

He heard Spike pacing back and forth. “No. It’s Xander’s decision, it’s
his right to tell. And if he doesn’t want to, then you lot had best leave
him alone.”

“We aren’t trying to hurt him, we just want to know what happened.” Giles
continued, only to be stopped by a vicious growl.

“Too bloody late for that. You lot had your chance for years. Didn’t
even notice.”

“Notice what,” a huge sigh came from Giles. “Really, this secrecy is
ridiculous. Whatever it is can’t be that bad.”

A disgusted snort. “Fucking humans. Think you know all about evil. You
don’t know the half of it. Think you’re so smart. Can’t even see what’s
right in front of you.”

“Spike, what ARE you talking about?” The confusion was evident.

“As I already said, none of your fucking business, Watcher. Get out.”

“No.”

Xander finally forced his eyes open, unable to listen any longer.

“Will you two shut up already?” Once again, Spike instantly came to his
side. “What’s going on?” He looked over, Giles and Spike were the only
ones in the room. “Where’d everybody go?”

Giles moved over and looked down. “I sent them to get something to eat. 
How are you feeling?”

“Like I was stabbed, covered that already.” Xander looked back up. 
“What’s going on?”

“That git” “Xander, I am just concerned,” “Bloody ponce,” “Now, there is
no need. . .”

Xander interrupted again. “Guys, focus here. What’s the fight about?” 

Spike turned back to Xander, shooting one last nasty glance over to Giles.

“They want to know what happened, won’t take no for an answer.”

“Xander, it’s more than that. It is obvious that this is something more
than a random robbery or the like. We just want to know what truly
happened.”

The concern was evident in Giles voice. He had not been able to get any
information in the few hours that had passed. The police had finally told
him that an arrest had been made, but they would say nothing else. 
However, he had found something which made his blood run cold. He had
returned to the room after the detectives left and had entered when he saw
Spike leave to get a nurse. Spike had left the cards sitting on a side
table and Giles picked one up. A name and then one other line. Special
crimes section. Giles felt his heart stop. He knew what that euphemism
was used to describe. Rape and sexual abuse investigations. He had
slipped out of the room, then sent the rest out for food, telling them
that Xander was asleep anyway. He had come back to confront Spike when
Xander had stopped them.

“Whatever it is, you can tell us, you know.” Giles removed his glasses,
pinching the bridge of his nose. He had no idea how to handle this.

Spike’s head shot up, catching some faint undercurrent to the words. 
“Watcher, get out. Need to talk to my mate here in private for a minute.”
Spike tried leering, figuring maybe those oh so perceptive eyes would
mistake his intentions.

Giles nodded, not fooled in the least. “I’ll be right outside.”

Spike turned back to Xander, fussing with the pillows, making sure that
Xander was comfortable. Xander put up with it for a minute, enjoying the
attention, before he grasped Spike’s wrist.

“Spike, what’s wrong, there’s something, just tell me. Are you mad that I
didn’t tell you all that stuff before,” tears began to spill down his
cheeks.

“Bloody hell, no.” Spike placed his hands on either side of Xander’s
face, gently pulling Xander’s head up to see his eyes. “No, I’m not mad
at you. I’m going to destroy that fucking waste of flesh, but you have
nothing to be ashamed about, nothing to worry about.” Spike dropped quick
kisses on Xander’s head, aching to pull him into his arms.

“Stupid wires, can’t even hold you properly, hate fucking hospitals.” 
Spike closed his eyes, gathering his courage. This had to be done. “The
police called earlier while you were asleep. They arrested that bastard. 
He’s going in front of a judge tomorrow. They are charging him with
several things, attempted murder, breaking and entering, rape.” He steeled
himself. **Now the hard part** “They expect it to be on tv, in the
papers and the like.” Spike felt the waves of anger, pain, shame and
humiliation begin to pour from Xander.

“Everyone will know,” Xander’s eyes went wide. “Fuck, everyone will
know, they’ll know, oh fuck.” **Hate me, know, hate me, dirty, hate me,
know, know, leave me, hate me, dirty, dirty, dirty** He began to shake as
the shame burned him. “Everyone will know, have to leave, everyone will
know.” He began to pant, ignoring the pain, the world going dark,
blackness filling in the corners of his eyes. He began to unconsciously
run his right wrist along the edge of the bed, needing the friction,
needing the pain, feeling the IV begin to pull from his hand.

Spike hissed and then gently reached down and took Xander’s hands in his
own, stopping the motion. Grief spilled over him, watching Xander pull
further and further inside, watching him slip away, watching Xander lose
everything they had fought so hard to gain.

“Xander, look at me.” 

Xander just shook his head, closing his eyes tighter. **Can’t look, no,
hate me, dirty, hate me**

“Xander, please,” Spike’s voice broke, “Please, look at me. I love you. 
You didn’t do anything, you didn’t make him do this, you didn’t cause
this. I love you. Always love you. Please, just please,” a hand reached
up to caress the side of Xander’s face, the other still holding Xander’s
right hand, trying to still the motion. “Please.”

It was the sound of pain in that last word that finally snapped Xander out
of his thoughts, the sound of his own agony reflected there. “You, you
love me, even after everything,” Xander’s throat closed and he took a
shaky breath. “After everything, you love me?”

Spike just nodded unable to speak. He didn’t need to, the expression on
his face revealing the truth.

Xander leaned up as far as he could and just managed to capture Spike’s
lips with his own. Crushing them together, he began to kiss Spike with
everything he had, ignoring the pain his actions caused. Spike responded
in kind, the events of the last day destroying them both, burning them
down until only this was left. Pain, rage, terror, hatred, love, longing,
all were there, all mingling with the taste of salt and blood as the tears
poured down both their cheeks. Finally, Xander was forced to pull away,
forced to gulp in the air.

Spike leaned him back, letting Xander regain control. Xander’s breathing
finally calmed, and he let out a small laugh.

“Surprised they didn’t come in when the heart monitor went nuts like
that.”

Spike chuckled back, awed as always by the way Xander’s sense of humor
survived everything. “Probably would have if it wasn’t for the camera.”

He quirked an eyebrow as Xander’s head tilted up to see that, sure enough,
there was a camera over the bed. A smile slowly worked its way across
Xander’s lips. **Hmmmm, camera**

“So, there’s a camera over the bed. That could be fun. Spike, ever
wanted to be in a porno?” The grin widened. He had tasted the truth of
Spike’s words. Spike loved him, cherished him, didn’t think anything was
wrong with him, thought he was pure.

Spike opened his mouth in shock and then smirked. “What makes you think
I’m not already?” Xander grinned back. The smiles slowly faded as they
heard footsteps in the hall.

“I have to tell them, don’t I?”

“Yes.” Spike moved down from his perch on the side of the bed. “Do you
want me to do it?” Anything, he would do anything Xander asked.

“No, I will.” A deep breath, then Xander nodded. “I know just where to
begin.”


Xander watched as everyone trooped back in, Buffy, Willow and Anya all
coming over to kiss him gently on the cheek, Tara shyly waving and Giles
just standing at the foot of the bed. Spike was now standing next to him,
unable to sit. Giles looked over, seeing the tension coiling in Spike. 
Spike nodded.

“Ask away. You won’t like the answers.” The quiet words cut through the
chattering in the room.

Giles just nodded. “Xander, why don’t you tell us what happened.”

A quick glance up to see Spike standing there, still but for the clenching
of the muscles along his jaw. Xander took in one more breath then
started, determined to get this all out at once.

“Ok, but it’s not a simple story. And no interruptions, have to do this
once.” Another look up, a quick squeeze of Spike’s hand.

“Buffy, remember you asked how Deadboy and I hooked up? Didn’t quite tell
you the truth. Right after Anya and I broke up, Spike stopped over to see
me one night. He found me lying in a pool of blood in the bathroom. My
father had beaten me pretty badly.” He heard the shocked gasps. He had
decided not to tell them the entire truth, he couldn’t deal with that
right now. There was no need to reveal everything just yet. “Spike got
Willy to send a doctor to fix me up then he moved in with me to make sure
that I wasn’t hurt again. Well, that night we told you I was mugged, that
wasn’t exactly true, it was my father again. That’s when Spike told me I
had to move and we left the next day. Then, about a week ago, we ran into
my father at Wal-Mart, he saw us kissing, went nuts. Last night, **only a
day ago, feels like forever** I was studying, sent Spike for coffee, heard
the elevator, thought it was Spike, went to the door. It was my father,
he threw me into the wall, called me a faggot, said, said, I was a
disgrace, that he should have killed me a long time ago, then he stabbed
me.” Xander stopped, out of breath from having run through it all so
quickly.

He looked up to see the shock on everyone’s faces. It was Buffy who
managed to speak first.

“Your father, your father did this to you,” her voice rose steadily. 
“Your fucking father, that bastard,” Buffy shook, furious. His father. 
His father.

Willow looked up, tears streaming down her face. “He hit you, did he
always hit you, why didn’t you tell me, could have done something,” her
breath began to hitch. How could she not have known.

Spike just watched them, waiting for the question, seeing it in the
Watcher’s eyes.

“Xander, I am so sorry,” Giles voice came quietly drifting down. “I don’t
understand though, why didn’t Spike just take you to hospital that first
night? Why go through Willy, why not call us?” He heart was heavy,
knowing the answer, sending prayers to every god he could recall that he
was wrong.

Xander closed his eyes, unable to look at them as he said the words. 
“Because my father didn’t just beat me. He raped me, too.”

Dead silence. Then howling, the voices mingling. Buffy’s, Willow’s,
Anya’s. A loud snap as something snapped in two. Through it all, Spike’s
hand in his, grasping tightly, giving him strength.

“Raped you, he raped you, oh goddess, Xander,” Willow grasping his other
hand. He forced open his eyes, seeing the agony on her face. “Xander,
why didn’t you tell me, why didn’t you tell us, that’s horrible, how could
he have done that,” Xander saw the realization hit her and saw her knees
buckle, saw Tara rush to catch her as she fell.

“Not the first time, Xander, why didn’t you. . .” Willow began to shake. 
Best friend, her best friend, known him forever, part of her and she never
knew. How could she not know.

“How long?” Buffy’s voice. Cold, clipped, insane. Xander forced himself
to meet her eyes. They looked like Spike’s had that night, so long ago,
when Spike had come racing into the basement. Absolutely burning hatred. 
Utter rage. Pure vengeance.

“Since I was eleven.” 

Willow’s sobbing grew even harder, Tara trying desperately to calm her, to
get her to breathe. Eleven. The words pounded into her. Eleven. All
those years.

Spike just watched them, part of him enjoying the scene. They deserved
this. Deserved to have their world destroyed, deserved to suffer for
their blindness. Deserved to pay for their crime. They never saw, never
wanted to see. Another part of Spike protested. That wasn’t true, they
hadn’t seen because Xander hadn’t wanted them to see. Spike ruthlessly
shut that part of his mind down. It didn’t matter. They had hurt what
was his. Now they hurt in turn. It was only right.

Giles moved to stand in front of Spike. “You knew.” Blunt accusation.

“Yes, walked into the middle of it. Tried to kill the bastard but
couldn’t. Fucking chip. Managed to slam him into the wall at least.” 
Spike’s voice was as cold as the Slayer’s.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Giles lashed out, trying desperately to
find someone, anyone else to blame. It all made sense now. Xander’s
jumpiness, the use of humor as a shield, the way he never talked about his
family, the curious lack of self-preservation. He should have known. 
Maybe he had known but ignored it.

“Asked me not to. So I didn’t. Wouldn’t have now but it’s all going to
come out.”

Giles slowly backed away, knowing Spike was telling the truth. Buffy
quickly moved to take his place. They eyed each other levelly, silently
reaching an agreement. Buffy turned to Xander, reaching out to take his
hand.

“Xander, I’m sorry, I’m so terribly sorry,” Buffy stopped as the tears
filled her eyes. No. She would weep later, now was not the time. “Just
know this one thing. He will pray to die before Spike and I are through
with him. He will beg and beg and we will show no mercy. I’m sure that
Spike knows just how to keep him alive and, if not, I’m equally sure that
Willow will find some spell. He will pay and pay dearly. I swear to you.
I will not rest until I taste his blood. I will kill him for you.” The
words rang in the room.

“No,” Xander started.

“Don’t give me the whole you’re the Slayer you can’t kill humans bit. 
That, that thing,” she spat the words out. “That thing isn’t human. I
would go find him and do it now but I want to make it last and last.”

“No.” Xander said again. “No, you won’t kill him.” An evil grin spread
across his face. “I have a much better idea.”

Part Fourteen-Seventeen