As I finished writing about my dream about Albert Einstein I remembered what he had said to me, to view my own past again. I chose to look at my broken relationship with my Ex, and our two young boys. What transpired over a one-week period left me stunned? It all started when I came to work on a Monday morning. I arrive and my boss asks to speak to me, I am basically told I will not be hired back full time; I may be able to work two days per week. I sit there, taking in the words, I’m quiet, and I’m not sure what to say. What is there to say, it is what it is. Whenever this happened to me I went into panic mode. Now what? I have bills, rent, I’m not even sure I qualify for Employment Insurance coverage. From stupid actions on my behalf in the past I owe Employment Insurance a large sum of money. In the past I would become severely depressed. Yet this time for some reason I stayed calm, I felt calm. A few weeks before I had the overwhelming urge to start writing this book, I had started it, but now I thought even this was in jeopardy, or was it? I figured if this book was meant to be written it would be. I had it all figured out, I would continue to work at my job days and write the book at night, wrong. The job was gone. I began to contemplate the T=E=MC3 Theory, that I learned about in my dream. Then it hit me, and I knew just how POWERFUL the theory really was. A month before I had offhandedly remarked to a coworker, that someday I should write a book about my life and all the things I’d learned about through meditation, and various readings. The seed had sprung, and here I sit writing my book. Two days before being laid off from work I’m sitting reading over the material I have written. I read the part where I always felt the most comfortable with nature, country, and myself. That thought made me immediately think about my ex and my two sons who are living 1200 KM away. They live in the country. The interior of British Columbia. I haven’t seen them in about five years or spoken to her in about three. There has been virtually no contact what so ever. I fall into reflection, yes I really do miss my ex, and the boys, and the area they live in. The next day I go to work, John a wonderful coworker of mine visits, chats, and he hands me a book to read. I see it is the personal adventure of a husband and wife team who in 1934/37 trekked off into the wilderness area of British Columbia, the Driftwood Valley. I’m stunned. The Driftwood Valley is in the area where my ex and boys live. I actually remark to John, that is where my ex and the boys live, in that area, and that I had just been thinking about them. I have the thought, that if I had the time I really should just go up and face all my fears, inner doubts, and see them all again. A day later I’m given my notice regarding work or no work in this case. I again am stunned. Okay, now I guess I have time, sought of I need to seek work again as quickly as possible. I make the appointment to apply for Employment Insurance and on the day I meet with them. I walk in to the Government office, it is really busy. My immediate thought is, great this is going to take awhile, like most of the day. However, once again, I have this feeling of complete calmness within me. To make a long story short I was in and out of there in under One hour. That has never happened to me before, ever. Two days later I receive my first set of weekly cards to fill out. No big deal. I’m told the actual decision on whether I’m even eligible is six to eight weeks away. A week goes by, I’m relaxing at home, I have the thought that just for the hell of it I’ll phone the EI automated service to see what if any thing is happening with my claim. You guessed it. I’m Stunned! My claim has been finalized, they will only be taking off twenty-five dollars per week for my own past misjudgment, and a first cheque has already been deposited into my account. I am so relieved. I was down to my last thirty dollars in the bank. Previously I would have been feeling utterly depressed, angry at the world for having myself go through this yet one more time. The difference being, this time around I kept the thought in my mind that this must be happening for a reason, and that I just didn’t see the whole picture yet. I kept saying telling myself to stay calm, stay relaxed, stay in control, whatever was transpiring was transpiring for a reason. This past Sunday I was asked to go into work for another day or two, to help wrap some more things up. Saturday night, I am starting to think about how I wish to write, to relive my past relationship with my ex, and the boys. I figure I’ll go home Sunday night and begin to write that part of my life. I meet another coworker who has decided to come in as well to reorganize his office. I tell him about the book and website, we chat about the past and about relationships. As we’re talking about my past relationship, my cell phone rings. I answer it. For the first ten or so seconds my brain and I were trying to comprehend who was on the other line. It was my ex. I don’t remember the first two minutes of the conversation, as I was still comprehending who was on the other end of the line. We talked; well she actually spoke the entire time. I do remember her telling me “ You have to move, into a bigger place, and not in the city, in the country, as it’s your turn to take the boys. “ There was more, she laid it all out to me, she unloaded, she told me point blank what I had done to her and the boys in the past, I said nothing, just listened. There was much truth in her words. She had no idea, still has no idea that I’m writing this book. The universe, her soul, was making it very clear to me. You may write, about the relationship, what transpired in the relationship, but absolutely write only the Truth. Nothing more, nothing less. And so we begin. The Power Of Thoughts and Relationships I have moved to a small country town (Pop. 5000) in the interior of British Columbia. The town resembles a European mountain town, placed at the foot of a beautiful snow capped mountain. The population is largely made up of pioneering Dutchman. Farms and ranches are spread out through out the valley. The main industry is lumber, supplying the town’s two largest mills. Eco tourism follows closely behind. The main highway leads to Alaska. I lived there once before, five or six years prior. I lived there for a while and then had decided to move back to the coast, to Vancouver, little did I know I would be back again. Such is the beauty and the friendship of the people there, they draw you back, to live in a much slower pace of lifestyle. I arrive and move into a cabin with a good friend from my previous stay there. The cabin is situated on 160 acres of land. A family that also resides on the property but about 1km away owns it. The family has grown up here. There father somewhat of a legend in the lumber industry as a faller and woodsman. The entire family is extremely colorful in their personalities. I enjoy it very much there as my life begins anew once more. It is here I meet the woman that is to become the mother of my two boys. I will be leaving their names out of this for now. It is a gorgeous summer day and I am outside visiting with the landowner’s wife. We are outside and just generally chatting. The subject of relationships and marriage comes up, and I thoughtfully remark how I feel it’s time I settled down, how I really wouldn’t mind a steady long-term relationship and have kids one day. She remarks it will happen someday when the time is right. The owner of the property, the husband also has a guiding territory, it is through this that I meet Ms. M., as I’ll call her. She has just recently graduated from the local guiding school. She shows up one day to apply for work. I see her and I’m immediately intrigued. She is very beautiful. Emerald green eyes, long strawberry blonde hair, and she is feisty, confident. I notice her, she has no inkling I’m even alive. The meeting is brief but memorable for me. It is only a few weeks later that she returns with some horses. She knows her horses well and a friend of the family I live with has come to work with the horses on the property. Ms M. and I begin to talk a little bit but for the most part nothing major happens between us. The visits continue, and as time goes by we get to know each other better and better and we finally become a relationship in the true sense of the word. The foundation for settling down has begun. Time passes, we’re living together, I’m working, we have two boys, and we live in a log home on ten acres. It is ours. On that hot summer day, the remarks I made, thought about had all come true only a few short years later. I should be happy. I should be content. I have everything I thought about. Then the missile is launched and it is heading my way, my family’s way, it strikes the target, and in a rapid two years I have lost everything. I mean everything. The job, house, property, car, the love of the mother of my sons, everything. I no longer live with them, I begin to spiral into a dark never ending abyss and I don’t know how to stop it, I am out of control, which only adds to the feeling that I have no control. Of what I did to my family I am certainly not proud. In fact it is despicable. Everything they had I destroyed, what little security they may have had or felt they had was gone. It’s always easier to look back to see what went wrong. But if you just look back with unopened eyes you see only the very surface, the old tired clichés pop up. She wasn’t right for me. She didn’t really understand me. She nagged me all the time. She wanted too much of me. I wasn’t good enough for her. I couldn’t provide enough for her. These are all surface material and are used far too much as simple cop-outs. The easy way out if you wish. We need to dig below the surface, to drill deep, to try and mine the real reasons of what transpired. Of why a person who you think had everything ends up with nothing and leaves town. When Ms. M. and I first were living together, she had been working for her father who operated a small forestry related company. Every two or so weeks out of the month they would head off to a remote logging camp and perform there duties, then return. The pay was great, she loved it, loved the outdoors, the time spent with her dad. In it she had found a foundation she could build on, it gave her self-esteem, independence, direction, and freedom. She had a sense of control. The minute her father saw that we were pretty serious about our relationship he had no hesitation in supporting it. I was doing things of no real importance career wise, and at some point very early in the relationship I found myself suddenly working along side her father, doing what she had done. It had begun innocently enough, I filled in once, twice, three times, and suddenly she no longer worked for her dad, and I did. I had flat out taken her job right out from underneath her with the help and guidance of her father. Her dad being from the old school of when men where men, so to speak, had naturally decided that no, the woman shall now stay home, the man has arrived, and will take her place. There’s nothing wrong with that belief, if that’s what two people decide on together. Why I did not see it back then? I think I was caught up in the whole life of it all. I had never worked in a logging camp before, it was so totally new, different, it paid well, not to mention I actually liked her father and his other foreman and enjoyed spending time with them. For the first time in many years I felt I belonged somewhere. I really believe these where the very first seeds (thoughts) of destruction planted in total cooperation with her father. He plants the seed of I should be more responsible, I need full time work, and I am living with his oldest daughter. I agree. I want to show my responsibility, I want to impress. I choose his way. I am living with his oldest daughter. It occurs to me that not once did I ever ask her what she thought or felt about the situation. Looking back now I suddenly see and hear hundreds of times when she did voice her feelings about her dad giving me her job. I NEVER LISTENED. So, caught up in my own selfish, egotistical self, I had completely closed my hearing to any thing or any words that might jeopardize my new found position in life. After all wasn’t it all - grand. I was working, I had money, She had a car, I used it, we lived together, we loved each other, I got along with her family and friends, everyone’s happy. Oh, how I kept perpetuating the thoughts that kept this whole illusion of mine together.
