I Envy You


I was always the best at everything. Always got what I wanted. Everybody always wanted to be me. Even Daniel's did, but he'll never admit it. I never knew jealously. I never knew envy.

Then I met you.

I wanted to be you so bad. I admit at first I didn't feel that way. You were just another member of the brotherhood. You were the 'Avalanche'. The leader. The bravest. The strongest. You only had one weakness.

Kitty.

Funny, that such a small girl could be your only and strongest weakness. You felt this need to adore her, to protect her, to love her.

And you did.

And yet, it doesn't surprise me that you did. Because it wasn't just your walls she broke down. Scott acted as the big brother towards her. To protect her from 'scum' like you. Might be why he was always on your case.

Kurt had a huge crush on her, that later turned into the brotherly love too. Jean, Evan, Xavier and Ororo found Kitty to be a person they could count on for a shoulder to cry on, for back up in a battle, and a person to listen.

Two of the strongest walls were Rogue and Logan.

We all could see that Kitty and Rogue didn't get along, at all. But I guess sharing a room with someone for so long, you learn to put up with one another. I'm not sure what happened, but one day they became friends, the best of friends. And even Rogue became protective of Kitty. Guess Rogue always saw Kitty as someone that needed protecting.

And finally Logan, the 'Wolverine'. He too felt the need to adore her, to protect her, to lover her. And he did too. But not like you Lance. You loved Kitty like a man loves a woman. Logan loved her like a father loves a daughter.

She sure was special. And I made fun of you. Teasing you about your feelings. And the stronger they got the more I teased. But you didn't care.

I need to tell you something Lance. The reason I teased you is cause I wanted to hide what I was feeling. I, too, was falling for a girl. And I know that you're thinking, 'that's not bad,' but when you find out WHO I was falling for, you'll understand.

Kitty.

Now you understand?

Remember when you declared that you were head over heels in love with her, the first thought that crossed my mind was 'me too.'

And I knew that Kitty was in love with you. Not me, you. And for the first time I envied you. But I was okay, because your love was forbidden.

Then the war started. And it wasn't X-men vs. Brotherhood. Now it is was mutant vs. man. Even Xavier gave up on total peace. He learned that there had to be a war first.

And suddenly, your love wasn't so forbidden. By then Kitty was twenty-one and you were twenty-four. And you both decided to were deprived of your love long enough. You two were sent on a mission at Vegas.

You guys came back happily married.

At first Xavier was pissed. He asked Kitty what would happen after the war, and the X- men and Brotherhood were enemies again? And Kitty stood tall, held you hand and said, 'My husband will never be my enemy.' I will forever remember the proud look in your eyes. And the shocked ones of Xavier. Even Logan was proud of you.

You guys were so happy. Even with the war going on you two were happy, because you were together. A month after, you and I were talking. You were, of course, talking about how much you love her, all the while me agreeing with you mentally. And as you were talking about how happy she made you, and I was wishing I was you again, she walk into the room with a huge smile. The news she told you made your heart leap, and made mine take another stab of pain. I'll never forget the sound of her voice when she told you.

'Lance, you're going to be a father!'

You jumped up, picked her up, and spin her around. I sat, watching, and wishing. Wishing that you would of started with 'Pietro' instead of 'Lance'.

And sure enough, months later, Kitty gave birth to your baby girl. She looked beautiful. She had Kitty's wavy hair, but it was your color. She had Kitty's big, blue eyes. And she was tiny. She looked A LOT like her beautiful mother. Her name was even beautiful. Alexis Angel Alvers. First thing Todd said when he heard her name was 'Triple A!' And you smacked him in the head and we all laughed. Then Kurt said, 'All A's, cause she's an A+'. I rolled my eyes and told him he was corny.

When I held her, the world around me disappeared. There was no war. You weren't married to Kitty. And I could even pretend that this was my and Kitty's baby. I looked down at the baby and I softly whispered, 'Perfect'. I was snapped back to reality when you put your hand on my shoulder and agreed with me. And for a brief moment, I felt guilty. I felt guilty, cause I wanted to steal your life, and be you so badly.

Rogue and I were the godparents.

Everyone loved the baby. She was the little joy we had in our lives. She was always being held, and played with, mostly by you or Logan. Then something happened.

You were sent on a mission.

I remember the night before you left, Kitty had a nightmare. She begged you to stay. She said it didn't feel right. She said that she felt like you guys would never see each other again. But you told her that everything would be all right. You gave her a long, passionate kiss, and told her that you loved her and Alexis with all your heart. And you and Logan walked out the door.

Two days later, at 3:46 pm, she fainted, and Alexis, who was happily playing with Todd and Kurt, started to cry. She wouldn't stop crying, no matter what. When Kitty woke up, and asked her what happened, she said it felt like a part of her left. The next day Logan came home.

You didn't.

Kitty knew the moment she saw Logan's face. She knew you were gone. She broke down and screamed your name. Logan held her as she cried, gently rocking her. Rogue took crying Alexis to the room. Todd ran off, not being able to stand Kitty screams, without breaking down himself. The rest of us watched helplessly, after a moment, I joined Logan in trying to comfort her.

Kitty was in too much pain to identify your body, so I went in her place. I'll never forget your cold, dead face. When I was about to walk away I noticed something was clutched in your stiff hand. I yanked it out and realized it was Kitty's Star of David necklace. I didn't know why, but something told me to take it. So I did.

Kitty went to your grave everyday. Sometimes she took Alexis, or Logan, or me, or somebody else. Or sometimes she'd go alone. Kitty once confessed to me, that the only reason she hasn't tried to join you, was cause of Alexis.

Time wore on, and soon Alexis was two. Kitty's and I friendship had deepen. She still visits your grave everyday. But things were going back to normal. But then of course, something happened.

Kitty and I got a mission.

The mission was simple. Kitty would make us both phase-able, I would zip us in to the control room. Kitty would download all the files we needed, then phase through the control system. Then I'd zip us out. Then explode the building. And we did it.

As we were walking towards the X-jet, is where everything went wrong. I was a few steps in front of her. We were walking quickly, but then bullets went flying. I guess she didn't have enough warning to phase. 'Cause when I turned around, she was down. I quickly picked her up and sped up to the X-jet. I flew us out of shooting range, and put it on autopilot. I laid her out on the floor. She was losing a lot of blood. And I knew we weren't going to make it back on time. I looked at her in the eyes, and told her what I been wanting to tell her for a long time.

'I love you, Kitty.'

She looked shocked. I lowered my head and kissed her on the lips gently. When I pulled back, she looked confused. Then her eyes got glazed, and she got a dreamy look on her face and she whispered, 'Lance?'

And then she was gone.

When I got home, I carried Kitty inside. I could already hear Alexis's cries. Logan was the first to see me. He rushed toward me, and took Kitty in his arms. He dropped to his knees, Kitty still in his arm. Everyone else came out. There was all silence.

Then Logan let out a long, painful howl.

We buried Kitty beside you. We knew you guys would of wanted it that way. We all fought over who was going to take care of Alexis. But when Logan saw the look in my eyes, he said I would take care of her.

So now, it's been eight years since your Kitty died. And yes, I admit, she's your Kitty, not mine. She never was. I still love her though. Alexis is now ten, and we all call her by her middle name, Angel. It started after Kitty died. You remember the Star of David necklace? I gave it to her. She looks a lot like Kitty. You'd be proud.

So here I am, standing in front of your grave. And even now, I wish I were you. Why? Because you still have Kitty. So after all these years, I came to tell you something I never wanted to admit.

I envy you.