Relative and Relativity, Part One
Gainsborough portrait of Englishwoman the 1780's
DISCLAIMER: Anita M. does not own the rights to Blackadder or Star Trek Voyager or Mr. Bean or Horatio Hornblower. This is just a fun piece of fan fiction for entertainment.
[Note from Jean Akins: The rest of the story is written by Anita AKA Lady Jane Pottle AKA Mad Geraldine of the Blackadder Ladies Club]
Her attempt at seduction at the bath had failed, Edmund making a hasty exit.
Jane was clearly disappointed. "Who does he think he is? No man refuses me! Least of all some poxy butler!" she thought, fuming. She stepped out of her bath and dried herself with the towel the poxy butler had left for her. She sat at a dressing table and gazed into the mirror. The heat from the bath made her too warm to immediately don her chemise. And there was the heat of her anger and frustration. The frustration she'd ease herself - yes, she'd heard that she could go blind and all that other rubbish, but after all these years, she could still see as well as ever! She had grown accustomed to being called an "unnatural creature", and took perverse pleasure in it. Her late husband was one of the few who had appreciated that quality in her, they were truly two of a kind. She missed him terribly at times. So she sought to ease her grief in the arms of other men.
But, at this very moment, she couldn't take her mind off Edmund. There was something gypsy-like in his looks. Those eyes, that mouth - how she wished that mouth were devouring her! And that lean, fit body, a grown woman's playground! And he even smelled nice - she could tell he used lavender water. But why does he have to be so damned insolent? These thoughts weren't helping her cool down!
She cupped both ample, soft breasts in her long, elegant fingers, lightly brushing the nipples with her fingertips until they quickly hardened. She began stroking her still hot, damp skin - face, neck, shoulders, arms, thighs, . . .her hands slowly moving towards her 'dark forest' [writer's note: Bonaparte had used exactly that phrase in one of his letters to Josephine - how he looked forward to getting lost in it!]. She wished her ivory wand was in reach, but it was packed away. Oh well, another time. Fingers would have to suffice . . . and so she calmed herself. That done, she lightly applied her usual perfume - rosewater and musk - and put on her first layer of underclothes - these she could manage herself.
In her reverie, Lady Jane didn't know that she'd been watched throughout. Why Edmund returned to Lady Jane's quarters, he didn't know - "that demonic she-devil" as he called her. He peeked through a cleverly concealed hole in the wall near the door, left unrepaired for the purpose of spying - a favorite pastime of all servants. He couldn't help but notice her beauty from the beginning, but she looked surprisingly vulnerable without her fashionably thick, white makeup, heavily rouged lips and drawn-on beauty marks. Having shed both her mask and the layers of clothes, jewelry and wig she wore like armor, she'd shed her haughty air also, and seemed a little forlorn.
Edmund felt himself stiffen as he watched her touch herself all over. He longed to touch those glowing white, breasts with his hands, his mouth, his privy member . . . he decided what he'd been told was wrong - more than a mouthful is NOT a waste! To touch the round softness of her belly, to part those strong thighs (he'd heard she was an accomplished horsewoman, now he's seen the evidence) and enter that sweet nest - and to enter that sweet mouth - until he was completely spent!
For a moment, Lady Jane felt like she was being watched. Her eyes darted toward the door, but it was securely shut. Then to the window, but no one was there. "I'm imagining things," she shrugged.
Then Lady Jane realized she was still going to need help getting into the rest of her clothes. "Damn!" she spat, "After that fiasco in here earlier, there's no way that prick butler is going to answer my call! I'll just have to tell George, that's all - I'm not putting up with this nonsense! But I can't go wandering the halls nearly naked! George's room would have to be in the other wing! Oh, I know! Baldrick! He'd be happy to deliver a message for me, I think!" Jane rang the bell, hoping that someone would answer. She waited several minutes - no sign of an answer. She rang the bell again, perturbed and a little frightened of being confined to her bedroom. Finally, she swallowed her dignity, flung open the bedroom door and shouted, "Helloooo! Anybody there? HELP! Someone help me PLEASE!"
Edmund was out of her sight, but he could hear her clearly, deciding to just let her stew for a while. "HELP ME! Baldrick! George! Anybody! Oh, Mr. Blackadder!! PLEASE help me!" There was a quaver in her voice, as she was becoming increasingly unnerved.
"She finally got the name right - she might be worth looking into after all!" he said, smiling slightly and making his way towards her room.
As Edmund appeared in her doorway, Jane, nearly in tears from exasperation, cried out, "What, in God's name, is the matter with you people! I've called and called! I have no one to help me dress! I certainly can't get this corset on by myself, much less fasten all these stupid hooks on the back of this stupid dress!" She regained her composure, then sighed, and said, "Please, Mr. Blackadder, would you please help me finish dressing? She looked up at him with those intense, jade-green eyes. He felt a warmth and a tingling through his groin - he would rather help her out of the few garments she had on, but, his words betraying nothing, he replied, "If you insist." Again she felt a mix of pique, humiliation, and intense excitement, and couldn't keep from trembling, much to her chagrin.
She held her corset around her midsection - it was up to him to lace it tightly. As he stood so closely behind her, he couldn't keep from placing his hands on her shoulders and squeezing slightly, softly kissing the nape of her neck. Savoring the smell and taste of her skin, he worked his way up her neck, slipping his tongue into her ear. How could he have known this was such a turn-on for her? An eerie reminder of her departed husband. Jane was immediately jolted back to the present by a sharp nip on her earlobe! She swung around, dropping the corset, and pulling Edmund to her. Feeling the evidence of his excitement against her belly, her mouth met his, their tongues probing, her teeth gently nibbling his lip. She couldn't wait to taste all of him!
Taking both his hands, she pulled him closer to the bed. She began to slowly remove his clothing, stroking and kissing bare skin as it was revealed. He had no trouble removing her few undergarments.
Edmund hustled Jane towards the huge canopied bed and shoved her rather
roughly onto it. "I think I'm going to faint!" she whispered almost
inaudibly. Edmund didn't respond, as his first objective was squeezing,
fondling and kissing those grapefruits - and not the ones on the fruit
tray! He quickly pinned her to the bed, drawing a rock-hard nipple into
his mouth as if he were a starving man, brushing and tugging the other
with his nimble fingers. Suddenly, Edmund bit hard enough to cause her
to shriek in pain! She shoved him from her and scrambled upright in the
bed, eyes blazing. "Eunuch, am I?" he hissed as he glared back at her,
"I'll give you eunuch!" Jane, so livid she was speechless, let out an
angry howl and lunged forward, fists clenched, with the full intention
of pounding him senseless. Clearly anticipating her move, and not
blinded with rage, he dodged her easily. She fell face down on the
bed. With remarkable speed and grace, Edmund sat on top of her,
pinning her arms to her side with his legs.
"Now, when you decide to act human again, I'll let you up." Edmund
said, massaging her shoulders, "I can wait a very long time."
"Act human?! ACT HUMAN?! You're the one who hurt me first, you sorry
bastard!" Jane spat, struggling to free herself. "I could scream my
head off now, and Georgie's guards would come running! All I have to
tell them, AND George, is that you attacked me, and then, well, I sure
wouldn't want to be you!" she ended ominously.
"So, why don't you, then?" Edmund asked with an air of indifference,
absent-mindedly touching himself as he stroked her back.
"Yes, damn it, why don't you?" Jane thought angrily to herself. "He's
absolutely AWFUL! No one has ever dared treat me like this! But, if I
had him snuffed now, I'd never know how much of him I could fit into my
mouth, or any other place I care to put him - and that would be a
tragedy! Oh, God, Jane, you're hopeless!"
Jane, still pinned face down on the bed, lifted her head and said, "You know, Edmund, I really didn't want the guards to take you away, and I'm sorry I called you a eunuch! Truth is, I wanted to jump your bones the moment I first saw you in George's drawing room!"
"That's Mr. Blackadder to you." he replied, grabbing a handful of her hair and tugging.
"What do you really want with me?" Jane asked, honestly perplexed. "First you seem to want me, then you don't. I can't figure you out."
Wordlessly, he lifted up, lowering himself next to her on the bed, gently turning her on her side so they faced each other. He brushed away the silken hair that had fallen into her face. Their lips met once again. As his mouth lustily explored hers, he grabbed her wrist, guiding her hand to his stiff cock. Then he began to fondle her with the lightest, feathery touches - she was already wet and slippery. "Take me now! Pleeeeease!" she implored, almost crying and grasping his privy member as if her life depended on it. "Get up on your hands and knees!" he rasped, and she complied - he slid in ever so easily, cupping in his hands the breasts that he longed to savor in earnest. Feeling her exquisite wetness and tightness, he thrust harder and harder, Jane cried out from pain as well as passion - the two were, by then, inseparably mingled.
Afterward, they basked in each other's arms. Then they realized they'd worked up an appetite, so they helped themselves to the fruit he'd brought to the room earlier. No napkins were used - they revelled in licking and sucking the juices off each other's fingers. Edmund at last said, "You know, that was good for a warmup, my dear." His eyes shone with a look of hunger and anticipation.
"Ready for the next course?" she grinned, "I'm always starved for you, you sexy creature!"
SCENE - LATER THAT WEEK: George's drawing room. George and Edmund are present.
"You know, Bladders, I'm worried about Janie." George said, "We'd planned to do the town while she was here, I know how she loves parties. But, since she's been here, she's spent most of the time holed up in her bedroom! When I do see her, she's walking strangely, and sitting down seems to cause her pain! My God, I hope she isn't sick! Maybe it was the sausage!"
"I believe it's entirely possible that she overdid the sausage." Edmund
yawned, " She has quite a healthy appetite."
"I'll have to have a word with her about that!" Prince George decided,
frowning. "To teach my favorite cousin of the value of restraint, of
self-control! I mean, look at all the parties she's missing!"
"Well, quite." Edmund muttered. "But, surely she'll be visiting you
again, and soon at that?"
"Of course, Bladders! She's so much fun! A breath of fresh air!"
(Edmund didn't touch that one!)
YEARS LATER, AFTER THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON EXACTED HIS REVENGE, AND BLACKADDER
ASSUMED THE IDENTITY OF PRINCE GEORGE. EDMUND AND JANE ARE HAVING A BITE TO
EAT AFTER A MORNING RIDE. (ON HORSES, YOU FILTHY-MINDED PEOPLE!)
"You know, I think Baldrick's working out nicely as my butler, don't you?
Once he finally understood the value of occasional bathing, I rewarded him
with a smart, new suit of clothes - made from silk, no less! I've given him a
few more of my castoffs to wear on his own time if he wishes. Now, if I could
just get him to stop serving turnips so often!" Jane grimaced, holding up a
raw turnip.
"By this time next week, I'll be married." Edmund (who is now George) sighed,
changing the subject. "It's the duty of the Crown Prince to carry on the
dynasty."
"Comes with the territory, darling!" Jane said, patting his leg. "You
couldn't have married me, I'm too old. You need a young thing who can
push a pup every nine months. I often wonder that you never got me with
child, you've spent enough in me to float a battleship - but if it
hasn't happened by now, I doubt it ever will! Not that I'm
complaining. I've done my bit already, and I now have three
grandchildren - more fun and less bother."
"But, you'll always be my Official Royal Mistress, 'Granny' - as long as
you behave yourself! I saw the way you were sucking up to the Duke of
Wellington the other night, making cow eyes at him, and I won't have
it!"
"Sucking up!? Cow eyes!? I thought that was one of my duties, to be a
gracious hostess and to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome!"
"Not THAT welcome!" Edmund glowered.
Jane rolled her eyes and continued, "Besides, it wouldn't be in your
best interest to get on his wrong side again," she leaned forward,
'George'! If I can find it in myself to play up to him, so can you - he
killed George, my favorite cousin, who I grew up with, remember!"
"You can 'play up to him', but no touching!" Edmund retorted, becoming
more annoyed.
"So, am I invited to your bachelor party?"
"No, you bloody well aren't!"
"Well, I suppose we'll have to have our own private party then." she
purred, stroking his thigh. Drawing her face closer to his, she
murmured, "How are these for cow eyes?"
So, we leave Lady Jane firmly installed as the Official Royal Mistress -
an ending happy enough for Anita (as long as she is disciplined every so
often.) But now, Anita contemplates another adventure. "Computer, end
program!" she says languidly.
SCENE: The corridor outside Holodeck 3. We see Harry Kim and Anita (Lady
Jane).
"You know, Harry, that alternate storyline was SO worth the gamble!"
Anita said gratefully, " I know I stayed in there WAY longer than I
should have, but it was DAMN hard to leave! I might end up needing a
12-step program for this!"
"You're not the only one who's been concerned about that." smiled
Harry. "Say, how about getting a quick bite - a fruit tray sounds
really good to me right now!"
Anita could only smile.
THE END
TRICKED YA! It's NOT the end! This is the Neverending Story for grownups, remember?
SCENE: We see Harry Kim and Anita (Lady Jane) walking together. They've just had a light snack of fresh fruit in the cafeteria. They're walking down the corridor and as they pass Holodeck 3, Anita turns to Harry and asks, with great hope in her voice, "Harry, can I reserve this holodeck any time I want? I mean, as long as my work is done and it's on my free time, of course!"
"I don't know why not - as long as it doesn't interfere with your duties." Harry shrugged. "If it does, you may be the one to have to start that 12-Step program!"
"Yeeeaaaaah, buddy! Could you reserve me for 18:00? You pretty well know what I want - but I'm open for suggestions, too."
"Looks like that time's open, believe it or not! That's usually a busy time, you lucked out!"
"Wow! Please block out as much time as is available! Harry, you're the greatest!"
SCENE: Flash back to Lady Jane's first visit to her cousin George - after she and Edmund had, at last, become friends. Lady Jane is sleeping soundly, sprawled on her back on the huge, comfortable bed.
She is awakened by the sensation of nibbling and sucking on her left breast, and fingers rhythmically stroking her nether region. As fingers slid effortlessly into her, she remembered that she was not alone. She smiled as she moaned, "Oh, Edmund! You couldn't wait until I was awake? I need coffee first!"
"No I couldn't. I've been lying here stiff as an oar for what's felt like forever - I couldn't wait. This is a much more pleasant way to wake up, don't you agree?" he whispered as he climbed on top of her.
"Ow! Ooooow! I think you must've broken something in there!" Lady Jane gasped, "I don't know if I'll ever walk normally again!"
"Oh, I AM sorry, milady! I suppose I got a little carried away." Edmund looked on Jane with pity, she was obviously in pain. "I can't help myself - once you get me started!"
"Wellllll, there are other things we can do until I'm back in the saddle again...you know how much I love to ride!" Jane said thoughtfully. "I can't bear the thought of not having you!"
Edmund grinned wickedly, his excitement heightening, "You needn't say more!"
They arose from the bed, Jane wincing as she stood up. He slipped his arms around her, supporting her as they moved toward a lounge near the bed. Jane guided Edmund down into it. Retrieving a bottle of oil from her dressing table, she poured a small puddle of it in the palm of her hand, then briskly rubbed her palms together. She then knelt before him, cupping and gently squeezing his precious jewels in one hand and stroking his cock with the other. He was trembling violently from anticipation, and so was she. Her hands felt so slick and warm, he’d almost swear he was inside her! She then ran her tongue up and down the shaft, and swirling it around the head. From the sound of his groaning, she knew she was doing something right! When she'd ask him if he liked this or how did that feel, all he could do was moan, and rather loudly. She slid her mouth over the entire head, all the while rhythmically stroking the shaft with her free hand. She could tell by the way he suddenly tensed up, and his breathing became more labored, that he was about to shoot. She thought she'd mess with his head (in another fashion) and eased up. "Good God! Don't stop!" he cried, in a voice an octave higher than usual. She just grinned up at him, applied a little more oil, then enveloped the head with her mouth again. She let go of his balls, then slid one very well-oiled finger into his back door. Then, at last, she felt and tasted his warm, thick essence.
Edmund pulled Jane's hands away from his cock, as he still couldn't speak. He was afraid he would swoon, his heart beating furiously. He pulled her up into the lounge with him, and there they waited for the calm again. She stroked his thick, dark curls and his smooth, flawless face. He turned his face toward hers, noticed a bit of semen had run onto her chin. He wiped it off with his finger, then licked it off himself.
"Now, that didn't hurt me at all!" she grinned, as she washed and dried her face and hands in the basin.
"Now, Milady, I'm glad you're enjoying your new toy, but, you're going to have to let me go now, I've got work to do. I'm sure Prince Mini...uh George is wondering where I am. Edmund sighed.
"Do you REALLY have to go?" Jane pleaded, bending toward Edmund, holding his face in her hands.
"No!" Edmund replied, grabbing Jane and kissing her rather roughly. "Let's get back up on the bed! I would be honored to gift you with a pearl necklace!"
Then she saw the writing on the wall - Computer Freeze Program. "Aw, hell! My time's run out!" Anita griped, "Somebody else gets the Holodeck now! Well, Harry did say I could resume this at any time..."
[Writer's note: Though all my writings have so far been about the merrie adventures of my own persona, "Lady Jane Pottle", the beauty of this kind of fanfic is that anyone reading it may replace "Lady Jane Pottle" with her own persona, which, if it helps some of you enjoy the vignettes even more, I'm all for it! And the ladies of the BALC have no shortage of imagination! After slobbering over those pictures and audio clips of Tim McInnerny as Frankenfurter - I couldn't NOT write this!]
*****
This interlude takes place after Lady Jane's first visit to her cousin but before "Nob and Nobility" - Lord Topper and Lord Smedley were friends of the Prince Regent, and so, frequent visitors. Tonight, Lord Topper was visiting alone, having dinner with Prince George and Lady Jane, who had also become a frequent visitor since the death of her husband and the marriage of her daughter. Since her son was an officer in the Navy, her house was empty. Jane and George had been close as children, and were renewing that closeness.
Lord Topper had met Lady Jane once before, but, to his dismay, she'd retired early that night, before he could speak privately to her. He wasn't about to let this delectable creature escape again! He couldn't take his eyes off her (and not just her impressive decolleté - she easily conveyed sweetness and spiciness in the same package.) He regretted his dear friend Lord Smedley wasn't there - the two gentlemen had discussed, only the other day, how the three of them could have such sport together!
At table, the unescapable topic was what was going on in France at the moment. They frightened each other with such comments as, "What if that happened here? Would we all be for the chop? Bloody little poor people! What did we ever do to them?"
George, who could always manage to be eternally cheery, changed the subject to something less frightening. "I've heard that French cooking is all the rage now - Bladders told me that even Mrs. Miggins is serving up something in her pie shop with a.....Scarlet Pimple sauce!"
"Oh, now that sounds appetizing!" Lady Jane grimaced as the mental image formed. (She didn't even want to think about the horse's willy in Scarlet Pimpernel sauce - she'd heard the same stories from Mr. Blackadder.) "It's actually Scarlet Pimpernel, George!"
"Yes, the Scarlet Pimpernel! The greatest hero of our age!" Lord Topper interjected.
"Scarlet Pimpernel! Of course!" George laughed.
"Isn't there supposed to be some sort of ball going on soon at the French Embassy in honor of all the exiled aristocracy? Sounds like that'd be big fun! Another excuse to get new clothes - I think I could go with a cute little Turkish number, myself - and we'd be doing our part to help our fellow nobles!" Jane said excitedly.
"Indeed there is, cousin!" And I have in mind the most magnificent trousers!" George answered.
"I can't wait to see you in "that cute little Turkish number!" Lord Topper said admiringly.
"And you, Lord Topper? Will you also be wearing magnificent trousers?" Lady Jane asked, raising a eyebrow.
"Janie, you brought your flute with you this time didn't you?" George asked, "Let's all go have a drinkie and you can play something for us. Pleeeease?"
"I'd be glad to." Jane smiled, getting up from the table. "The cooks outdid themselves tonight, don't you think?"
"Delicious!" Lord Topper said deliberately as he gazed upon her.
*****
The night wore on, and all too soon it was time to retire for the evening. Since George was nothing if not an excellent host, he'd had a guest room prepared for Lord Topper, rather than force him to travel home through the dangerous streets late at night.
"May I escort you to your room, Lady Jane? It would be an honor!" Lord Topper asked, offering his arm.
He'd hardly been discreet in the way he'd been devouring her with his eyes all evening. She gave him a knowing, smirking smile and slipped her arm through his.
Jane opened her bedroom door. Lord Topper closed in quickly behind her shoving her into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Grabbing her from behind, he growled "Dem! Dem you naughty girls!" in an evil voice and tickled her until she began to shriek, then speedily covered her mouth with one hand.
He then swung her around, clamped his mouth over hers and nearly choked her with his tongue. She instinctively shoved him away. "Lord Topper!" she gasped, and affecting a coy look, "This is so sudden!"
"No, it isn't!" he smirked, " Sit down, milady," indicating in the direction of the lounge and she obliged.
Lord Topper knelt on the floor before the lounge and removed Jane's shoes. As she pulled up her skirts, he removed her stockings, and massaged and kissed both feet at length. He pulled the drawstring on her silken bloomers and easily slipped them off. Slowly, slowly, he licked and nibbled her inner thighs, approaching her dark forest. "Rest your legs on my shoulders", he whispered, "This is for your pleasure! This is what I've been hungry for all this night!"
With his long exquisite fingers, he parted her lips and began to lick and suck the delicate pink petals, and, with his tongue, slowly traced the entire alphabet on her clit. [A technique the late great comedian Sam Kinison advised men to use!] The sensation was electrifying! Lady Jane reached for the handkerchief she kept close for the purpose of stuffing into her mouth. She certainly couldn't keep quiet with all this going on, and she'd rather the whole wing not know what a good time she was having!
When Lord Topper reached Z, he inserted a finger - massaging from the inside, as he started again with A! Lady Jane's screams were sufficiently muffled by the handkerchief until she felt she was truly in danger of dying. She quickly pulled the hankerchief from her mouth and gasped, "No more! No more!", pushing his head away. "Oh God! Let me get my breath!"
"I didn't know you were a praying woman." Lord Topper coyly answered, resting his head in her lap until calm came over her again.
"Oh, sir, you've taken me to heaven and back! If there's anything I could do that would please you!"
"Earlier, in the drawing room, you showed me how talented you were with the flute - you played so beautifully! Now, let's see how beautifully you can play my flute!" he rasped, his trousers already undone and his "flute" standing at full attention.
Lord Topper then found to be true what he had suspected of her - she DID know how to get marrow out of a bone twenty ways!
Lady Jane realized that she probably should have let Lord Topper use her handkerchief - he was so loud at times that even she was distracted. Then, they heard a soft knock on the door, then a male voice "Milady? Lady Jane? Are you all right in there?"
Jane gasped and covered her mouth with her hand, "It's Edmund, George's butler! Oh, how embarrassing, I know he heard us!"
"Lady Jane?" Edmund called again.
Jane looked up at Lord Topper with wide eyes, and as she teased the head of his cock, asked sweetly, "Would you mind if he joined us?"
"I can refuse you nothing, Lady!"
"Come in, Edmund!" Lady Jane called out, " Please do!"
Edmund slowly pushed the door open and was greeted with the sight of Lady Jane, apparently fully clothed, kneeling on the floor in front of Lord Topper, who was sprawled on the lounge and apparently fully clothed also - at first glance.
Lady Jane turned briefly to look at Edmund, then returned to working the privy member in her hands and swirling her tongue around its head.
Edmund quickly turned on his heel, and left the room, his demeanor betraying nothing.
Lord Topper, hardly noticing Edmund's entrance and hasty exit, grabbed Jane's hair and breathlessly said "Stop!"
He stood, pulling her up with him and panted, "Let's get out of these clothes! I want all of you now!"
"You mean you aren't spent yet?" she giggled.
"Oh, you've not seen the half of it!" he replied, nearly tearing her dress open.
She squeals.
******
[Much closer to the time of "Nob and Nobility"]
For a time, Edmund made pretense of tolerating Lady Jane's liassons with Lord Topper - he assumed she would quickly tire of him (she already had a REAL man - what would she want with a complete prat like Topper?), or he would tire of her - he was far too stupid to recognize what he had. Then, Edmund found out that Jane had accepted Lord Topper's proposal of marriage, they would announce their engagement at the upcoming French Embassy Ball. Edmund felt betrayed once again.
After the usual evening of chatting , music and card-playing in George's sitting room, Edmund escorted Lady Jane to her room as was his wont.
As soon as he closed the bedroom door behind them, he turned on her, roughly grabbing her arm, "Haven't you learned ANYTHING about what happens to those who cross a Blackadder? Or are you as thick as the rest of your inbred family?"
"WHAT in the name of Bonaparte's balls are you talking about!" she hissed.
"You think that by marrying Lord "Tosser" that you can just toss me aside without a thought, is that it? You agreed to marry him - did you think you could keep that from me?"
"Yes I DID accept his proposal! It's advantageous for the both of us to combine our fortunes, and the fact that we get on VERY well is an added bonus. Did you know, or even care, that if I don't marry again, the Crown could confiscate ALL my property? All because I don't have a dick hanging between my legs!" Jane said bitterly, "And then, WHO would be my benefactor? You? Right, I'll just move into your butler's closet! It wouldn't even hold all my underwear! And I'd have to eat nothing but turnips for the rest of my life!"
Edmund rolled his eyes impatiently and countered, "Jane, your arguments are filled with more holes than Baldrick's trousers! The property would go to your son, and I'm sure he wouldn't turn "Mummy Dear" away. And even if he did, Cousin Georgie wouldn't let you 'live on the street' either! Besides, if you moved in with me, there'd be no point in your wearing underwear - or any other clothes, for that matter."
Jane laughed in spite of herself, sighed, and sat on the bed, Edmund moved closely beside her, speaking softly, his mouth nearly touching her ear, "Surely, you remember that little incident down at the docks? When I'd tied you to that post and gagged you. Told you you were about to be ravaged by a shipload of sailors. That look of abject terror in your eyes - I could have ravaged you to death myself right there! But, I decided to keep you around for my own amusement."
"I remember one thing - your ardor hadn't dissipated by the time we got back to George's! I was really sore for days - I might have been better off with the sailors! You can LITERALLY be such a PAIN! Of course, I know the real reason - you just didn't have the heart to leave me there." Jane smirked. "There's something you want from me, and it's not just nooky - you can get that anywhere - and I have no doubt you do! What is it you want of me, anyway?"
Edmund ignored her and continued, "And remember what I told you afterward? That I could see to it that you'd be ravaged by every desparately randy sailor who passed by? That I have the power to do that - you'd never know when or where. It would be such a tragedy - the bride stood poor Lord Tosser up at the altar, and she was never heard from again."
"Edmund, that's horrid! And it's Lord TOPPER! What has gotten into you?"
"Oh, God! I'll try to explain this in words of one syllable." he grumbled.
"Don't patronise me, you slimy bastard! You may get by with that with George - I HAVE noticed how you speak to him. And poor Baldrick - the miserable little troll has no choice. But I won't put up with it!"
"I think you'll be AMAZED by what you'll put up with, my dear!" Edmund murmured, pushing her onto her back. "You see, you have to put up with whatever I dish out - you have no choice either - you're mine."
"Say that again?"
"As you've learned, my dear, the Black Adder is a venomous reptile. If you fail to please me, I can make you disappear. And you love pleasing me! After being fawned over and doted on, and having everyone fall all over themselves for you your entire life, this is a new experience!"
He suddenly stood up, pulled Jane off the bed and pushed her toward the door, "Now, you can get started drawing my bath - I think I'll use this big guest tub in here" pointing toward the tub Jane had used earlier, "And be quick about it! I recall you didn't enjoy the last spanking I gave you in earnest."
The look in Edmund's eyes told Jane that he meant every word he said - that he'd make good on his word.
He added, "And, since you've never had to dirty your pretty little hands with anything so menial before, have Baldrick fill you in on what to do!"
Jane was rendered speechless - something that doesn't happen very often.
TO BE CONTINUED...
