A Blackadder By Any Other Name Is Still A Blackadder, by the Jeanster
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Jeeves & Wooster or Blackadder. If I did, I'd be rich. -- The Jeanster
SCENE: The New York apartment of Bertie Wooster. He and Jeeves are in the living room. A young dark-haired seventeen year old boy sits quietly and politely in a chair.
BERTIE: Honestly, Jeeves. You'd think an entire ocean would be enough to keep Aunt Agatha away, but no. I can't believe she took a long trip on a ship just to come here and deliver this young Eddie Farrow to me.
JEEVES: Yes, sir. Shall I prepare the guestroom for Mr. Farrow?
EDDIE: Oh, please just call me Eddie. I don't want to be any trouble. Why don't I just leave? I'll find a nice park bench on which I can sleep.
BERTIE: No, no. Can't have that, Eddie. Code of the Woosters. Aunt Agatha has given me instructions to be responsible for you until you can find employment and afford a place of your own. Yes, Jeeves, do please prepare the guestroom.
JEEVES: Very good, sir. (heads for the guestroom)
BERTIE: I say, Eddie. Bad luck there, eh? Let's go over this again. I'm still reeling from Aunt Agatha's version as to why you're here.
EDDIE: Well, Mr. Wooster, all I know is that I was at home back in London where I live with my mother. One night two men broke into my room, gagged me, covered me in a blanket and spirited me out of the house and away into the night. I was forced on board that large ship bound for America. Your Aunt Agatha accompanied me to make sure I would not bolt and return home to my mother.
BERTIE: Did anyone tell you why you were taken and brought here?
EDDIE: I did overhear my mother arguing with some people about me. Something about my father who I never met. You see, my mother gave birth to me out of wedlock. She told me she met my father when they were both very young. He died a few years ago during the war. Mother was devasted when she heard of my father's death. She was determined afterward that I should carry on my father's name, but his family wouldn't hear of it. A bastard taking on their name? They told Mother they would do everything they could to prevent it.
BERTIE: So do you think your father's relatives arranged for you to be kidnapped and brought here?
EDDIE: It's the only reason I can think of as to why this has happened. Your Aunt Agatha wasn't very forthcoming as to why. She only told me what's expected of me once I arrived here.
There is a knock at the door. Jeeves emerges from the guestroom and goes to answer the door.
BERTIE: Well, Eddie. Jeeves and I will do all we can to make your stay here comfortable until we can get you situated with your own job and apartment. You seem like a decent, well-mannered fellow. I don't mind having you stay for a while.
EDDIE: Thank you, Mr. Wooster. I'll do my best to not be any trouble.
BERTIE: Call me Bertie.
JEEVES: Sir, there is a gentleman here to see Mr. Farrow. But he won't state his name.
A short, smelly, dirty young fellow dressed in drab-coloured filthy clothing rushes past Jeeves and into the room.
EDDIE: Oh, no. Not you again! Why do you keep turning up everywhere I go?
STRANGER: My lord! Thank goodness I found you! My place is by your side to serve you and protect you.
EDDIE: Why do you keep calling me 'my lord'? I'm not a lord. How did you get here? Did you stow away on board that ship? Last time I saw you was back in London.
BERTIE: Who the blazes are you, you foul-smelling disgusting creature?
STRANGER: My name is Baldrick, sir. I come from a long line of Baldricks, a proud line of servants and dogsbodies we are.
Bertie and Jeeves exchange puzzled looks. Eddie sighs and roll his eyes. Baldrick stands near Eddie, ready to do his master's bidding.
Scene fades.
SCENE: The next morning. Jeeves is serving breakfast. Seated around the dining table are Bertie and Eddie. Baldrick is standing by awaiting orders from Eddie. Baldrick is smelling and looking cleaner because Bertie allowed him to stay on the condition that Baldrick take a long hot bath and change into some new clothes. Jeeves disposed of Baldrick's old filthy rags.
There is a knock at the door. Jeeves goes to answer it. He returns seconds later.
JEEVES: A Miss Daphne Farrow is here, sir.
A beautiful woman in her mid-thirties enters the room.
EDDIE: Mother!
Eddie and Bertie stand up when they see Miss Farrow.
DAPHNE: Eddie! I'm so glad I found you!
She rushes over to her son and they hug each other.
EDDIE: How on earth did you find me, Mother?
DAPHNE: I tracked young Baldrick here. I knew that eventually he'd lead me to you. He's very devoted to you, you know.
EDDIE: Yes, that's something I don't understand.
DAPHNE: It's proof you are indeed your father's son, for his blood runs through your veins. Baldrick wouldn't be here to serve you if you weren't. His family has served your father's family since the fifteenth century.
EDDIE: Mother, this is Mr. Bertram Wooster who has graciously allowed me to live here until I can get a job and my own apartment. And this is Jeeves, Mr. Wooster's valet. Gentlemen, my mother Miss Daphne Farrow.
BERTIE (smiling): It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Farrow.
JEEVES: How do you do, Miss Farrow.
DAPHNE: The pleasure is mine, gentlemen. I just wish we could have met under better circumstances. The kidnapping of my son was most upsetting to me, as you can imagine. But I'm here now to collect my Eddie and return to London.
BERTIE: So soon? But you've only just arrived. It would be a shame to rush off without seeing the sights of New York. Ever been here before?
DAPHNE: No, this is my first time in America.
BERTIE: Well, there you are. It would be a shame to have traveled all the way across the ocean without visiting some fun spots before you turn around and head back. You owe it to yourself after all you've been through.
DAPHNE: Well, I guess I could stay for a day before we return to London. It would give me a chance to plan carefully how to proceed after we get back home.
She gazes at Jeeves and smiles.
JEEVES: Would you care for some breakfast, Miss Farrow?
DAPHNE: Yes, thank you, Jeeves. But only if it's no trouble.
JEEVES: It's no trouble at all, Miss Farrow.
Jeeves goes to the kitchen.
SCENE: After breakfast in Bertie's apartment.
EDDIE: Mother, I've been thinking. Do we really need to change my last name to that of my father's? What's wrong with the name Farrow?
DAPHNE: Nothing, darling. I just thought it would be nice to carry on your father's name. Don't you want to do that for him? And for me?
EDDIE: Mother, you know I could never refuse you anything. But look at what's happened since we tried to do that. We were perfectly happy until you received the belated news about his death in the war. After getting in touch with his kin, they've called us every name in the book, have threatened me with great bodily harm, and then I find myself kidnapped and spirited off here to New York and told to stay here and never return to England. I guess my father's kin can't stop me from taking his name while I'm here in America. But apparently they'd have a big problem with me taking his name back in England. I can't for the life of me figure out why. It's not like they have great wealth and fear we're trying to do this for any monetary gain.
DAPHNE: I suspect they don't want to tarnish the family name with a scandal of your father siring a child out of wedlock.
EDDIE: As if that's the first time anyone's ever done that. (turning to Baldick who is brushing lint off of the back of Eddie's shirt) That really isn't necessary, Baldrick. Please don't trouble yourself.
BALDRICK (bowing): It's no trouble, my lord. You had a bit of lint on your shirt. Just wanted to help you look your best.
EDDIE: I suppose there's no way I could possibly lose you, is there, Baldrick? Even if I were to tell you to get lost, you'd show up again eventually, like a boomerang?
BALDRICK: A what, my lord?
EDDIE: A boomerang. It's a bent club designed to return to its thrower. Originates in Australia.
BALDRICK: Oh. I don't know about such things, my lord. All I know is that my place is by your side to serve you and protect you.
Bertie has been sitting with them and listening to all of this with great interest. Jeeves is in the kitchen washing the breakfast dishes.
BERTIE: This is all fascinating. But what do you say to us all getting some fresh air? We could take a walk and see the sights. How does that sound?
EDDIE: Sounds lovely. Mother? Would you like to go?
DAPHNE: Actually, I think I'll stay here for now. (looks toward the kitchen) I'm still a bit tired from my trip. But don't let me stop you from enjoying yourselves. You all go on and have fun. You, too, Baldrick.
BERTIE (disappointed): Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Farrow. I'll let you get some rest. The guestroom is right over there. Jeeves has prepared it for your son, but you can use it. I'll have Jeeves bring in a cot for Eddie.
EDDIE: Mother, we don't really have to go. We'll stay and keep you company.
DAPHNE: No, I insist you all go out and have a lovely time. I'll be fine.
BERTIE: All right. Miss Farrow, if you need anything, just ask Jeeves. He'll be happy to accommodate you.
DAPHNE (smiling to herself): Thank you, Mr. Wooster.
Bertie would prefer that she call him Bertie, but he feels now is not the time to tell her that. He leaves the apartment with Eddie and Baldrick. Daphne closes and locks the door. She heads toward the kitchen.
SCENE: The kitchen. Jeeves hears Daphne enter and turns to greet her.
JEEVES: Is there anything I can get for you, Miss Farrow?
DAPHNE: No, thank you, Jeeves. I was wondering if you could come sit with me in the living room for a little while when you're finished in here. It would give us a chance to get acquainted.
JEEVES (pauses): I am on duty, Miss Farrow. However, I could take my break in a few minutes.
DAPHNE (beaming happily): Oh, good! I'll be in the living room. See you soon.
SCENE: Daphne and Jeeves are seated on the living room couch. They are staring into each other's eyes.
DAPHNE: I cannot restrain myself for a moment longer, Jeeves. I find you most attractive! (throws her arms around him and kisses him passionately)
JEEVES (breaking away from her embrace): Miss Farrow? Miss Farrow?
Daphne snaps out of her reverie. She looks up and sees Jeeves standing over her. She is seated on the living room couch. Daphne is breathing hard and feels embarrassed.
JEEVES: Miss Farrow? I apologize if I startled you. You appear to be have been deep in thought.
DAPHNE: Oh, that's quite all right, Jeeves. Won't you please address me as Daphne instead of Miss Farrow?
JEEVES (pauses): I'm afraid that would not be proper, Miss Farrow. The rules of my employment forbid me from addressing my employer's friends and acquaintances in an overfamiliar manner.
DAPHNE: Oh. Right. Sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to do that.
JEEVES: No harm done, Miss Farrow. (sits beside her on the couch)
DAPHNE: So, tell me about yourself, Jeeves. I want to know all about you. How long have you been working for Mr. Wooster? Do you enjoy your line of work? Do you have any family?
JEEVES (looks at her with a puzzled expression): This may take a while. Perhaps we should have tea while we get acquainted.
DAPHNE: Please allow me to help you.
JEEVES: It's not necessary, but very well.
They go to the kitchen to make the tea.
JEEVES: Miss Farrow, tell me about Eddie's father. Who was he?
DAPHNE: I really don't want to bore you with all that, Jeeves.
JEEVES: I sincerely doubt that any words coming from your mouth could ever bore me, Miss Farrow. Please enlighten me. I'd love to hear all about it.
Daphne smiles and decides she can confide in him.
SCENE: Later that evening. Bertie, Eddie and Baldrick return to the apartment.
BERTIE: We're back, Jeeves! Ah, Miss Farrow. We were having so much fun that we lost track of the time. Jeeves, will dinner be ready soon?
JEEVES: Yes, sir. In about ten minutes.
BERTIE: Thank you, Jeeves.
They have a lovely dinner with pleasant conversation all around. Afterward Daphne, Eddie and Baldrick retire for the night. Daphne takes the bed in the guestroom, Eddie takes the cot, and Baldrick takes the couch.
SCENE: Bertie's bedroom.
JEEVES: Will that be all, sir?
BERTIE: Actually, Jeeves, could you please come in and close the door? There's something I want to tell you.
Jeeves closes the door and waits for his employer to speak.
BERTIE: That young Eddie is quite a wonderful chap! So bright and well-mannered. I've toyed in the back of my mind of one day having a family, and young Eddie is just the sort of lad I'd love to have as my own son. And his mother is also very beautiful and delightful. She may be just the woman for me, Jeeves. Yes, she could be the future Mrs. Bertram Wooster!
JEEVES: Very good, sir.
BERTIE: Does that mean you approve or not? I can't tell by the way you said it. You usually don't approve of my choice of women.
JEEVES: Sir, it is not my place to approve or disapprove.
BERTIE: Damn right it's not your place. I'll marry whomever I please.
JEEVES: Will that be all, sir?
BERTIE: Yes, Jeeves. That'll be all. Good night.
JEEVES: Good night, sir. (closes the door)
SCENE: The next day. Bertie is waking up.
JEEVES: Good morning, sir.
BERTIE: Good morning, Jeeves. What time is it?
JEEVES: Nine-thirty, sir.
BERTIE: And a beautiful day it is. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I'm going to ask Daphne to spend the day touring New York with me. Just the two of us, so we can become better acquainted before I ask her to marry me.
JEEVES: I fear that will not be possible, sir.
BERTIE: What?! What do you mean, Jeeves?
JEEVES: Miss Farrow and her son and Mr. Farrow's servant have left.
BERTIE: Left? When? Where have they gone?
JEEVES: They left the apartment early this morning at seven o'clock. Miss Farrow left this note for you.
Jeeves hands Bertie a sealed envelope. Bertie opens it and reads the note out loud.
BERTIE: 'Dear Mr. Wooster: Thank you so very much for your gracious hospitality. We are returning to London so as not to trouble you any further. Please do not worry about us. We will be fine. If anymore problems arise from Eddie taking his father's name, we will deal with such problems when the time comes. Sincerely, Daphne Farrow.' Jeeves! Is there time to catch them before they leave for London?
JEEVES: I'm afraid not, sir. Their ship left port over an hour ago.
BERTIE: Over an hour ago? Dash it all, Jeeves! Why didn't you wake me before they left? I told you just last night that I'm planning to marry Daphne.
JEEVES: Miss Farrow asked that you not be disturbed while they departed. She was most adamant about it.
BERTIE: Oh, drat! Well, I suppose we could always look her up when we return to London. It's not my intention to stay in New York forever, you know.
JEEVES: Very good, sir. Would you like me to draw your bath now, sir?
BERTIE (very quiet for a moment): Yes, Jeeves. And after breakfast, pack our bags. We're leaving for London today.
JEEVES: Very good, sir.
SCENE: Much later. London. A cab pulls up before a house. Jeeves and Bertie step out of the cab.
BERTIE: Well, Jeeves. We're finally here. The home of the beautiful Daphne Farrow and her son Eddie. Do you think they'll be glad to see us?
JEEVES: They will undoubtedly be surprised, sir.
BERTIE: Right. Well, here goes. (rings the doorbell)
SCENE: A few minutes later in the living room of the home of Daphne Farrow.
DAPHNE: Mr. Wooster, it's so very nice of you and Jeeves to pay us a visit. Are you back in London for good or are you planning to return to New York?
BERTIE: That all depends. Uh, Miss Farrow, may I call you Daphne? And would you please call me Bertie? I feel we've become such good friends now.
DAPHNE: All right, Bertie.
BERTIE: Where is Eddie, by the way?
DAPHNE: He and Baldrick went out earlier this morning. They said they'd be back this afternoon around four o'clock in time for tea.
BERTIE: Oh. Good. I look forward to seeing your son later today. Jeeves, would you please excuse us for a while?
JEEVES: Yes, sir. I'll be in the backyard admiring the garden. (leaves the room)
BERTIE: Daphne, I know we haven't known each other very long, but you are the most delightful, beautiful, intelligent woman I've ever met.
DAPHNE: Why, Bertie! You're making me blush.
BERTIE: Could we spend some time together getting better acquainted? I believe we could very well find that we're soulmates.
DAPHNE: Oh, Bertie. I'm so flattered. You are a most charming and adorable man. (sad look on her face) But there's something I should tell you. There's someone else for whom my heart belongs.
BERTIE (crestfallen): What? Oh. Well, I shouldn't be surprised. A treasure like you is bound to have attracted others. But I just wanted you to know how I felt.
DAPHNE: I'm deeply touched, Bertie. You're very sweet. I hope we can still remain good friends.
BERTIE: Of course, of course. Friends. Good friends, indeed. (hiding his disappointment)
DAPHNE: Would you like to come out back and see my garden? The flowers are colorful and fragrant.
BERTIE: Yes, that would be nice.
They get up and head toward the backyard.
JEEVES: You have a beautiful garden, Miss Farrow.
DAPHNE: Thank you, Jeeves. Eddie helps me with it. And recently so has Baldrick. He started his own little turnip patch in the corner over there.
BERTIE: It's lovely, Daphne. A beautiful garden, indeed. Oh, how is the situation regarding Eddie taking his father's name? Anymore problems?
DAPHNE: Thank you for asking, Bertie. Eddie and Baldrick are working on that right now as we speak.
Bertie and Jeeves exchange curious looks.
DAPHNE: And when they return later this afternoon we can hear all about what progress they've made.
SCENE: Later that night in Bertie's London home.
BERTIE: I say, Jeeves. Can you believe the drastic change in Eddie's behavior? I can't believe it was the same boy who stayed with us in New York. Whatever happened to that polite, well-mannered youth? I almost couldn't restrain myself from cuffing the boy on the ears and giving him a good sound thrashing!
JEEVES: I believe Eddie was only practicing his new attitude, which is really a facade necessary to deal with the problem he was facing from his father's relatives who objected to Eddie taking the family name.
BERTIE: How so?
JEEVES: Back in New York while you were showing Eddie and Baldrick the sights of New York, Miss Farrow stayed in the apartment. We had a chance to talk. I asked her about Eddie's father and she told me what little she knew of him. It turns out I know quite a bit more about his deceased father and the reputation of his family. And after having had the pleasure of enjoying young Eddie's impeccable good manners and delightful personality, I realized why his father's relatives were so adamant that young Eddie not take their name as his own.
Jeeves pauses and finishes dusting a vase.
BERTIE: Well? Don't keep me in suspense, Jeeves. Go on.
JEEVES: The Blackadders have quite a reputation, and they are very proud of it, much to the bewilderment of the general populace. Eddie's father's kin, after having met Miss Farrow and young Eddie, do not feel the dear boy fits in with their kind.
BERTIE: Their kind being what?
JEEVES: I really don't like to say, sir, but they are known to be scheming, conniving, manipulative, rude and deceitful.
BERTIE: So when they first met Eddie with his politeness and impeccable manners and endearing ways, they couldn't possibly see fit to allow him to take his father's name for risk of "shaming" them?
JEEVES: Precisely so, sir. I told Miss Farrow of the Blackadders' reputation and advised her of what young Eddie may have to do to convince them he is worthy of their name.
BERTIE: So it really had nothing to do with young Eddie being born out of wedlock?
JEEVES: Correct, sir.
BERTIE: Well, isn't that something! The thought of a polite, well-mannered Blackadder was enough to bring them to have young Eddie kidnapped and shipped across the ocean to America!
JEEVES: Yes, sir. Will there be anything else, sir?
BERTIE (quiet for a moment): Just one thing. I told Daphne how I felt about her, and she said her heart belongs to another. Oh, well. I took a chance. Better to have tried and lost than to have never tried and be wondering for the rest of my life.
JEEVES: Yes, sir. Will there be anything else, sir?
BERTIE: No, thank you, Jeeves. I'll see you in the morning. Good night.
JEEVES: Good night, sir.
Jeeves closes the door behind him. He thinks back to those few hours he and Miss Farrow spent together back in the New York apartment while the others were sightseeing. Much as he did find Miss Farrow to be very charming and beautiful, he didn't feel right about embarking on a relationship with her, as he suspected his employer to be interested in her himself. Jeeves had let her down gently, being the perfect gentleman that he was and always will be. Miss Farrow took it well and graciously, and she assured him that the door to her London home would always be open for him. And she left him with a good-bye kiss that he treasured and would always remember.
