EVERYBODY LOVES EDMUND
A Black Adder Fanfic
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Blackadder.
by Jean Akins (Jeanster)
May 30, 2002
Time and place: 15th Century England
SCENE: The castle. The royal family, with the exception of Edmund, is happily preparing to attend a birthday party being given for the Earl of Doncaster.
Queen: Edmund, you're not ready? We're leaving within the hour.
Edmund: Mother, I'd rather not go. I didn't have a good time last year we attended his birthday party, so why would I want to attend this one?
Queen: Now, Edmund, you stop this nonsense. It would be very rude not to go. How would it look if you don't attend?
Edmund: Oh, Mother.
Queen: Not another word, Edmund. Put on something nice this instant. You're going to the party, and you're going to have a good time there. Go on, now.
Edmund: (reluctantly) Oh, all right. (goes to his room to change clothes)
Queen: (turning to see Harry enter) Harry, have you decided which young lady you'll be bringing to the party?
Harry: Yes, Mother. It was a difficult choice, as they are all so very beautiful. But since I may bring only one guest, I've chosen Ursula.
Queen: That's nice. She's a lovely girl.
Harry: Yes. Uh, I don't suppose Edmund will be bringing a guest?
Queen: I don't think so. And he's very sensitive about it, so please don't say anything. I've just now finally convinced him to go. He was planning on not attending.
Harry: Hmm. You know, Mother, perhaps he could bring one of the other lovely ladies who I couldn't take. After all, what with that dangerous highwayman still roaming about, it would be much safer for her to be escorted by Edmund than going alone.
Queen: There's a thought. I'll go ask him.
SCENE: Edmund's tower room. We see the Queen and Edmund.
Edmund: Harry actually suggested I ask one of those lovely young women to go with me? And he doesn't mind?
Queen: Yes, dear. Wasn't that nice of him?
Edmund: Yes. Oh, what am I thinking? None of them would want to go with me! They all have eyes only for Harry!
Queen: Edmund, my dear. You are a Prince of the Realm. Stand tall, be proud, and know that any one of those ladies would be very lucky to be asked to be your guest at this party. Now go on out there and choose one to ask.
Edmund: (reluctantly) Oh, all right. (leaves his room to do as his mother says)
A few minutes later we hear shrieks of laughter, followed by giggling and snickering coming from the courtyard. Edmund has been turned down by the entire group of young women who have eyes only for Harry.
Edmund sadly trudges back to his tower room. Baldrick joins him.
Baldrick: M'lord, if you want to bring a guest, I'd be honored to go with you.
Edmund: It may very well come to that, Baldrick. Oh, well, go ahead and put on something nice. Hurry. We leave in just a few minutes.
The Queen has heard and seen poor Edmund being rejected by all those young women. She decides to use her witch powers to give Edmund a little help in this matter.
A few minutes later she emerges from her room carrying a small bottle of magic sparkling liquid. She is on the mezzanine level, and Edmund is standing right below waiting for Baldrick.
Queen: (speaking softly to herself) Just a few drops will pique the interest of those women so they'll want to get to know Edmund better.
She opens the bottle and is about to pour just a few drops when Percy, not looking where he's going, suddenly bumps into her and she accidentally pours the entire contents of the bottle instead of just a few drops. Edmund is hit with the liquid, but he doesn't feel a thing, as it is magic and sparkly and very light.
Queen: Oh, no!
Harry and Ursula are headed toward where Edmund is.
Ursula: Oh, Harry. I'm looking forward to this birthday party.
Harry: Yes, so am I. The Earl never fails to give a fabulous party. Last year's was most entertaining.
Edmund: (overhearing what Harry just said) Yes, if you can call four nonstop hours of Morris dancing entertaining.
Ursula: (staring at Edmund and smiling) Edmund, forgive me if this sounds forward, but have you always been this adorable?
Edmund and Harry: What?!
Ursula leaves Harry's side and takes Edmund by the arm, gazing deeply into his eyes.
Harry: Uh, Ursula? What are you doing?
Ursula: (ignoring Harry) And have your eyes always been this beautiful and expressive?
Edmund: I-I don't know what to say, Ursula. (looking nervously at Harry who is frowning at Edmund)
Harry: Ursula, are you feeling all right?
Ursula: Harry, I've changed my mind. I'd prefer Edmund escort me to the party instead of you. That is, Edmund, if you would bestow upon me the honor of being my escort. Won't you, please?
Edmund is speechless. He can't believe what is happening.
Harry: (laughing nervously) Oh, yes. Very funny, Ursula. You can stop joking with us, my dear. Now let go of Edmund's arm and let's be on our way to the party.
Ursula: Harry, please don't be so tiresome. Edmund, where have you been hiding yourself all these years? You scrumptious piece of sweetness! I cannot help myself! (throws her arms around him and plants a big wet kiss on Edmund's lips, much to Edmund's delight and Harry's bewilderment)
Harry: URSULA!
Baldrick enters dressed in nicer clothes. He is surprised to see Ursula hugging and kissing Edmund with Harry standing right there.
The Queen who has been watching all of this rushes back to her room to work on a counter-spell because she knows that a massive overdose of the magic potion will soon lead to trouble.
Baldrick runs to the courtyard where the group of young women are still gathered.
Baldrick: Come! You won't believe what's happening in here!
The group of curious young women follow Baldrick. He points in the direction of where Edmund, Ursula and Harry are standing. The women stare at the scene for just a moment, then altogether they rush over toward Edmund, calling out his name. Edmund, Ursula and Harry are surprised to see this group of women rushing over. Two of the women pry Ursula away from Edmund and push her aside so they can grab him, kiss him and fondle him. Each woman cries out his name over and over, pleading with him to please take her to the birthday party.
Edmund: (softly to himself) I'm dreaming. This is a wonderful dream, and I hope I never awaken.
Ursula: (shouting over the crowd of women) Edmund! Edmund! I'm over here!
Harry: Ursula, please stop this embarrassing behavior of yours and come with me. You're making a spectacle of yourself.
Ursula: Oh, run along, Harry. Can't you see I'm busy? Edmund! Please come away from these harpies and join me, your beloved Ursula!
Harry: Fine! Be that way! I'm going to the party without you, Ursula. When you finally come to your senses, try crawling back and see if I'll ever forgive your atrocious behavior!
Ursula: (ignoring Harry) Edmund! Edmund!
SCENE: The countryside just outside the castle. The infamous highwayman who has been attacking and robbing travelers is waiting for his next victim. He has heard of the birthday party being given for the Earl of Doncaster, and knowing how popular the Earl is, the highwayman expects the guests traveling there to be carrying very expensive and lovely gifts which he plans to take for his own.
A few miles up the road we see a large fancy horse-drawn carriage. The driver sits atop. He brings the horses to a stop.
The window of the carriage opens. We see a veiled figure poke her head slightly out the window.
Woman: James, why are we stopping?
James the Driver: Just need to give the horses a bit of rest, m'lady. We'll be moving along in a moment.
Woman: Well, please don't be too long. I don't want to be late for the birthday party.
James the Driver: We won't be long at all, m'lady. I promise. Just need to give the horses a breather.
SCENE: Back at the castle. Now the women are getting angry. Each is insisting that Edmund tell the other women that he belongs only to her. But he finds he cannot choose which he wants most of all, plus he's not willing to commit to anyone at the moment. They start grabbing whatever nearby object they can use as a weapon. They turn on Edmund, looking very menacing to him. This is what the Queen was afraid would happen. She is quickly working on a counter-spell to reverse the effects of the potion. She is almost finished.
Queen: Just a pinch of this and a pinch of that. There! Finished. The effects of the potion will stop in just a couple of minutes. I hope I'm not too late!
SCENE: The courtyard. Edmund is running for his life toward the castle exit. The women, each brandishing a make-shift weapon, are chasing him and shouting his name angrily. The women are still chasing him, but he manages to stay ahead enough so they cannot catch him. A moment later the potion's effects stop, thanks to the Queen's counter-spell. They are dazed, wondering what they are doing outside the castle and holding these objects. They slowly wander back inside asking each other what happened.
Meanwhile, Edmund, still thinking the women are chasing him, sees the horse- drawn carriage. The driver is just about to get the horses moving again, as their rest period is over. Edmund grabs the door handle and pulls on it.
James the Driver: You there! Stop or I'll run you through with my sword!
Edmund: No! You don't understand! I seek refuge from the large group of dangerous women chasing me!
James: What?
Woman in the Carriage: (opening the door of the carriage and smiling at Edmund) How do you do? I am Lady Roberta of Devonshire. And who might you be?
Edmund: Terribly sorry. Where are my manners? I am Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
Lady Roberta: I thought you looked familiar. I've seen your face on a coin. Now what's all this about a group of dangerous women chasing you?
Edmund: Please let me hide inside your carriage! They're out to kill me!
Lady Roberta: Oh, all right. Come in.
Edmund: Thank you, dear lady! (he climbs inside and closes the door)
Lady Roberta: It's all right, James. Start driving. Edmund, we're going to the Earl of Doncaster's birthday party. By any chance, are you going there, too? (she removes her veil)
Edmund: Why, yes. (he is surprised and very pleased to see how beautiful Lady Roberta is without her veil)
Lady Roberta: Then sit back and enjoy the ride. James will let us know when we arrive. Meanwhile, tell me about yourself, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh. I want to know all about you.
Edmund and Lady Roberta have a delightful ride talking the whole time and learning about each other's lives. He finds himself very attracted to this beautiful young woman who behaves graciously and warmly toward him.
Edmund: Tell, me Lady Roberta. Are you married?
Lady Roberta: No, Edmund. Are you?
Edmund: No.
Suddenly the carriage comes to an abrupt halt.
Lady Roberta: James, are we there?
James: No, m'lady. We have a problem.
The door is suddenly jerked open. It is the highwayman. He points a sword toward Lady Roberta and Edmund.
Highwayman: (to James) Don't try anything or the lady dies!
Edmund: (trying to be brave in front of Lady Roberta) You scoundrel! How dare you threaten a helpless damsel!
Highwayman: Oh, would you prefer I threaten YOU?
He points his sword very close to Edmund's neck. Edmund becomes very scared and says nothing, wishing he knew what to do.
Highwayman: I thought so. All talk and no action. You pathetic little sod! You're not worth soiling my blade!
He withdraws his sword and quickly punches Edmund in the face, knocking him unconscious. Edmund falls back inside the carriage. Lady Roberta moves quickly. She pulls a crossbow that was hidden beside her on the seat of the carriage. With perfect aim, she shoots the highwayman right in the heart. He cries out in pain and falls to the ground where he soon dies.
Lady Roberta: James, let's go! The party will be starting soon.
James: Yes, m'lady.
Lady Roberta checks on Edmund.
Lady Roberta: He's out cold, but I think he'll be all right. Poor dear.
James: M'lady, now that we've put a stop to the infamous highwayman, how much longer do we have to stay in character?
Lady Roberta: Good question, James. How about we play this out through the party?
James: (smiling) Very good, m'lady.
SCENE: The horse-drawn carriage arrives at the home of the Earl of Doncaster. All the other guests are already there. Baldrick went on ahead without Edmund.
Inside the carriage, Edmund finally awakens. His head is on Lady Roberta's lap. She is caressing his forehead.
Lady Roberta: There, there, Edmund. How are you feeling? That's going to be some nasty bruise you'll have on your face for a few days. Shall I kiss it and make it all better?
Edmund: Where am I? What happened?
Lady Roberta: That infamous highwayman hit you and knocked you unconscious. But he's no longer a threat.
Edmund: Where is he?
Lady Roberta: Back where we left him. With an arrow through his heart. He won't be bothering anyone anymore.
Edmund: (assuming her driver James killed the highwayman) Well, it's a good thing your driver was here to protect you.
Lady Roberta: (smiling) Dear James. What would I do without him? Well, Edmund, are you feeling well enough to go inside to the party? It looks like we're the last guests to arrive.
Edmund: Yes, I guess we should join the others. Oh, I don't have a present! Wait a minute. I just remembered Mother is bringing a gift. I'll just say it's from the entire family. Did you bring a gift?
Lady Roberta: Yes, I did. I had an especially good time wrapping it.
Edmund: (looking about for a giftwrapped package, but seeing none) Where is it?
Lady Roberta: Oh, look! It's the Earl. Happy Birthday, Doncaster!
The Earl of Doncaster rushes over to greet his guests.
He gives Edmund a warm handshake. Then he warmly embraces Lady Roberta and gives her a kiss.
Earl: You look ravishing, my dear!
Lady Roberta: Well, I wanted to look especially nice for your special day.
Earl: Bob, you're too much!
Edmund: (confused) Bob? Why did he call you Bob?
Earl: Edmund, you mean you don't know? This is Lord Robert of Devonshire. I call him Bob.
Edmund: (very confused and totally bewildered) What is going on here?
Lady Roberta/Lord Robert: I'm sorry about the subterfuge, Edmund, and if I misled you in anyway. I am Lord Robert of Devonshire, as the Earl said. I'm disguised like this because I was working undercover to flush out that infamous highwayman who has been terrorizing the good people traveling through the countryside. And James my driver is actually the King's Sheriff in disguise. I was asked to become his deputy and work as a decoy because of my ability to disguise myself. With my slight build and years of drama experience, it was very easy for me to play the part of Lady Roberta.
Edmund: (crestfallen as he now realizes Lady Roberta is the woman he can never have) Oh. Well, congratulations on successfully putting a stop to that highwayman.
Earl: Won't you both come inside and join the party? We're just about to cut the cake.
Lord Robert: Love to. Come on, Edmund. We can all still have a nice time here. Friends?
Edmund: (shrugging his shoulders and deciding to make the best of it) Friends.
THE END