It's A Wonderful Life, Prince Edmund
It's A Wonderful Life, Prince Edmund

- a Black Adder fanfic by Jean Akins -

written May 24, 2002

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Blackadder.


Scene: 15th Century Heaven. A new angel eager to earn his wings is awaiting his assignment. He is finally summoned by Joseph, an archangel, to be briefed.

Joseph: Take a look down there, Flash. There he is, your first assignment.

Flash: Where? I don't see anything.

Joseph: Oh, I forgot. You don't have your wings yet. Here, let me help you up. There, see?

Flash: Oh, yes. There he is down on his knees praying. Hang on! I think I know him. Eddie? Prince Edmund? How did he get in that dungeon?

Joseph: That's right. Prince Edmund Plantagenet. His childhood rival Philip of Burgundy, a.k.a. the Hawk, locked him in that dungeon. Edmund is requesting our help through prayer, so we're answering. We're sending you down to show him the error of his ways and convince him to go down the right path, otherwise he will be doomed, and so will his family. Oh, sure he's saying in his prayer that he intends to follow the path of the saints, but we can see what lies ahead of him. And it's not a pretty future.

Flash: It's not? How can I help? Eddie and I have been through a lot together. If there's a nasty future ahead of him, I'd like to help get him out of it.

Joseph: We'll send you down to where he's being held in the dungeon. You'll need to inhabit the body of the person who happens to be physically nearest to him at that moment in order to be able to communicate with him. Don't worry. No harm will come to the person whose body you are borrowing. Afterward that person won't even remember what happened.

Flash: I understand. And I'm ready.

Joseph: Actually, you're not completely ready yet. I need to brief you on the highlights of the life of your new charge. There are chapters of his life that you missed. It'll only take a moment.

Joseph uses his celestial powers to place in Flash's mind the entire six episodes of The Black Adder.

Flash: Whoa! What a rush! Poor Eddie! What a pathetic life that poor little sod has led! Oh, and when I say 'sod', I mean that in the nicest possible way. So he gets mutilated and dies from drinking poisoned wine?

Joseph: Well, the mutilation will eventually kill him even if he doesn't drink the wine. It all depends on how he conducts his life after you spend time with him steering him in the right path, if you can. It could go either way. Now you're ready. Do a good job, Flash, and you'll get your wings.

POOF! Flash disappears from Heaven and is sent down to earth. He enters the dungeon and sees Mad Gerald sitting in a dark corner. Flash takes over Mad Gerald's body. Mad Gerald's soul and mind go dormant, leaving Flash free to use his body to communicate with Edmund.

Edmund: (finishing his prayer) Amen.

Flash: Amen.

Edmund had no idea anyone else was there. He leaps in terror.

Edmund: (startled) Who are you?

Flash: (stepping out of the darkness) Don't be afraid, Edmund. You don't recognize me, but it is I, your old friend Prince Flashheart, Duke of Kent.

Edmund: (skeptical) Flashheart? No, I know Flash, and you certainly don't look anything like him.

Flash: That's because I've taken over this body of the poor chap who shares this dungeon with you. You didn't notice him sitting in that dark corner over there. Edmund, apparently you didn't hear about it, but I died a few months ago. I'm an angel now, sent down here today to be your guardian, in answer to your prayer. Remember when I paid you a visit awhile back years ago before I married, and I stole all those lovely young women from your brother Harry? He wasn't a happy camper then, was he?

Edmund: That was amusing, yes. OH, MY GOD! Flash, is it really you? You're dead?

Flash: Yes, Eddie. I was killed in battle. I leave behind my beloved Duchess of Kent and her chocolate chastity belt. Last I saw when I checked up on her, she was still grieving for me. Poor dear sweet Belinda!

Edmund: Yes. Poor Belinda. So sorry I never paid my respects, but I didn't hear about it. Been busy rounding up my own band of men to take over the kingdom. Well, Flash, if you're indeed my guardian angel, it should be an easy feat for you to get me out of this locked dungeon, right?

Flash: Right. But first we need to have a little chat.

Edmund: Chat? Oh, all right. Um, do all guardian angels look like you? With the wild hair and all?

Flash: Oh, this. This isn't what I really look like. I just needed to borrow the body of the person who happened to be closest to you in order to communicate with you. He was sitting in that dark corner over there, so you didn't notice him. When I leave, he'll go back to the way he was and won't remember me having taken over his body. Hmm. Although, I guess it wouldn't hurt to give this body a bit of a makeover while I'm borrowing it. (Flash closes his eyes and concentrates. The body of Mad Gerald transforms and becomes a very handsome, well-groomed, attractive being.) Well, Eddie? How do I look?

Edmund: Flash! It IS you! Oh, my God!

Flash: You mean, "Oh, my Guardian Angel!" Now let's have that chat.

Afterward:

Edmund is in tears.

Edmund: So my own band of men betray me to join Philip, and I get tortured, mutilated and die?! And my family? Mother? Father? Harry? Everyone in the court dies?

Flash: Yes, but that's only if you continue down the path you've chosen. You don't have to do that, Eddie.

Edmund: M-maybe everyone would be better off if I'd never been born! I've made such a mess of my life!

Flash: Oh, now don't think like that, Eddie. (pauses) Hang on. Yes, that just might work. (looks upward) What do you think, Joseph? Yes. (stands up) All right, Eddie. You've got your wish. You've never been born.

The locked door breaks open as a very powerful wind outside suddenly blows.

Flash: (shouting toward the heavens and closing the door) You don't have to make such a fuss about it!

Edmund: What do you mean, I've never been born?

Flash: Just what I said. Feel where your head was hit. It's not bleeding anymore, is it? And there's no sign of an injury there. You've got a clean slate, Eddie! No band of evil men to turn against you, no Hawk out to kill you because he's never met you.

Edmund feels his head, and sure enough there is no injury.

Flash: (smiling) Now, let's go outside and see what the world is like without you having been born in it.

The door leading outside opens and they leave the dungeon. It is beautiful outside. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and the sun is shining. They head to the castle. On their way they see a herd of grazing sheep.

Flash: Well, that is something! Edmund, look at this herd of sheep.

Edmund: What about them?

Flash: This might sound strange, but that is the happiest, most stress- free group of sheep I've ever come across. Being an angel, I can sense how they are feeling. They are completely carefree, not a worry among them. I've seen plenty of sheep in my time, and usually they are scared to death of someone coming up from behind and --

Edmund: Oh, stop it about the sheep!

They continue on to the castle. When they arrive, they see a crowd cheering. Edmund's parents, brother and Great-Uncle Richard are smiling and hugging Percy.

Edmund: I don't believe my eyes! Are they cheering for Percy?

Flash: Indeed they are. He's just been honored for saving the lives of the royal family: your parents, your brother, and your Great-Uncle Richard. Percy single-handedly defeated the Hawk, Harry's childhood rival.

Edmund: Percy? That brainless son of a prostitute? It can't be! And Uncle Richard is still alive?!

Flash: Edmund, you weren't here for Percy to choose as a friend. He and Harry eventually met and became friends. By encouraging him and setting a good example, Harry inspired Percy to become who he is now: a most beloved and respected knight famous for his bravery, fine horsemanship and superb swordmanship. And yes, your Uncle Richard is still King because you weren't there to cut off his head.

Edmund: Shhhh! Quiet about that! I can't believe it! It must be some bizarre dream I'm having.

Edmund is very surprised to see how different things are now. For example:

The peasants of the kingdom are happy and living better lives where food is plentiful, and everyone lives in perfect harmony. All the peasants are wearing decent garments instead of drab tattered rags. People greet each other with a smile and good cheer.

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant is now a mellow, soft-spoken, helpful and productive member of society. He is a toymaker and very popular among all the children, especially around Christmas.

Edmund: Do you mean to tell me that these changes I witness are the result of my having never been born?

Flash: Well, --

Edmund: No, no! Don't answer that! I need to see Baldrick! My loyal and faithful servant! Oh, why didn't I appreciate him before I dismissed him? Flash, where is Baldrick? I must speak with him.

Flash: Baldrick? Well, I'm not supposed to tell you. I don't think I should show you how he turned out. I'm afraid you won't recognize him, Edmund. You weren't here for him to serve, so his life turned out quite differently than the way you know him. Baldrick is not the person you remember.

Edmund grabs Flash by the collar and shakes him.

Edmund: (shouting) Tell me where he is!

Flash: (caving in) He's just about to close up the library!

Edmund: Library?

He turns to where Flash is pointing and sees a large building where peasants, both young and old, are leaving and carrying books they have borrowed.

Flash: The peasants here are a happy and educated group. They love coming to the public library. And there's the librarian.

Edmund sees Baldrick waving good-bye to a young peasant boy and girl as they leave, each carrying a book. Baldrick closes and locks the door from the outside and checks to make sure the library is secure. He is dressed nicely, well-groomed, and looks very scholarly.

Edmund rushes over.

Edmund: Baldrick! It's so good to see you!

Baldrick: (startled) Uh, hello. Have we met?

Edmund: I'm Edmund! Remember? We met on the eve of the Battle of Bosworth Field! I asked you to become my squire at the battle!

Baldrick: (confused) Edmund? No, I'm afraid I don't remember ever having met you. And I've never been a squire. I surely would have remembered something like that, if it did happen.

Edmund: (taking hold of Baldrick by the shoulders) Think! Think hard, Baldrick! It is I! Edmund!

Flash: (taking Edmund aside) Excuse me, Baldrick. (addressing Edmund) Edmund, now pay attention. (shouting) You were never born!!! Everything is different now!!! Do you understand???!!!

Edmund: (looking very sad) Uh, never mind, Baldrick. Sorry to have bothered you.

Baldrick: Think nothing of it. Feel free to come visit our library tomorrow. We open at ten o'clock in the morning.

Edmund and Flash leave Baldrick and go for a long walk so Edmund can mull over what he's seen.

Edmund: So I was right, Flash. Everyone IS better off if I'd never been born.

Flash: Well, it certainly appears that way, my friend, but maybe that's only on the surface. Each individual can have a powerful effect on other people's lives by even the simplest interaction. A single word spoken to someone, be it one of kindness, can turn that person around. Or be it a word of harshness, can turn that same person in a totally different direction. Then that person affects the next person he meets. And so on, and so on, and so on.

Edmund: So what happens now, Flash?

Flash: That's entirely up to you, Eddie. Stay here in a world where you start your new life with a clean slate. Or go back and pick up your old life right where I found you: in the dungeon.

Edmund: Well, that's not a difficult choice, is it?

Flash: (smiling) Only you know the answer to that.

Scene: Next day in the library before it opens. Edmund and Baldrick are there.

Baldrick: Now let me get this straight. I'm a librarian because you made a wish that you'd never been born, and your guardian angel granted your wish.

Edmund: That's right!

Baldrick: But instead of being a librarian, I'm really supposed to be your servant. And before that I was shoveling dung, a job which took me years to work up to.

Edmund: Yes, yes! Right again!

Baldrick: Very amusing. That's quite an imagination you have, Edmund. You ever consider writing stories, maybe getting published? I could always use another book here to add to the library collection.

The doors to the library burst open. Flashheart enters. He has a very stern look on his face.

Baldrick: We're not ready to open yet, sir. Please wait outside until ten o'clock.

Flash: Sorry, Baldrick, but I need to speak with Edmund. (turning to Edmund) You're not supposed to be telling anyone here about your previous life!

Edmund: You never told me that!

Flash: I didn't? Oh, right. Sorry. Ooops. I was supposed to. This is my first assignment. My goof.

Edmund: Baldrick, this is Flashheart, my guardian angel.

Baldrick: Right. Nice to meet you, sir.

Flash: Likewise. (turning to Edmund) What am I going to do with you?

Edmund: Nothing, Flash. I'll be fine here. Just go back and get those wings you want.

Flash: I can't just go back. When my job is done, then I will be summoned back. But I haven't been summoned, which means my job isn't finished. Something is still not right, and I can't leave until I set things right.

Edmund: So set it right.

Flash: I don't know how! This is my first assignment as a guardian angel, and it's not easy. There's no instruction manual I can open. Something's not right here, but I can't figure out what. I need to sit down and think this through.

He sits in a chair to think.

Baldrick: Well, as least you picked a nice quiet place to do it. But in about ten minutes we open and I expect lots of children here for Story Hour. You like kids?

Flash: Eureka! I've got it! Edmund, the whole point of my showing you what life would be like if you'd never been born was to encourage you to want to live again and change your ways! But that didn't happen. Instead, you want to stay in this world where you had never been born.

Edmund: Oh. Well, I think I like it here better, so I'm staying. Why would I want to go back to that dungeon?

Flash: Because none of this is real! This world here where Baldrick is a librarian and your Great-Uncle Richard is still king! You and I are actually still back in the dungeon! This is all a vision which looks, sounds, smells, and feels real, but isn't! Edmund, you need to want to live again, so you can wake up out of this vision and continue your life, only taking a new path, one different than the one that will lead to your death and the death of your family!

Baldrick: Wow. Edmund, your friend here has quite an imagination, too. Look, I can tell you both that I most certainly am real. I remember my life, what it was like being a young child, growing up, going to school, becoming a librarian. It's all real, despite you saying this is all some sort of vision.

Flash: To you, Baldrick, of course it's real. It's your world. But I assure you, once Edmund snaps out of this vision, you and everyone else here will cease to exist.

Baldrick: Is that so?

Flash: Yes, that is so.

Baldrick and Edmund give knowing glances to each other.

Scene: Flash is tied and gagged and stuffed in the storage room of the library.

Edmund: Sorry about this, Flash. But I find I REALLY like it here. We'll check up on you periodically to make sure you're okay.

He closes the door and locks it.

Baldrick: Wish there was some other way to do this. I really need the space in that storage room for library supplies.

Edmund: So, Baldrick. Are there any job openings for another librarian? Could you use an assistant?

Baldrick: (smiling) I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

THE END