Leave It To Frodo (Part One - Chapters 1 through 5)
Disclaimer: I don't own The Lord of the Rings and/or Leave It To Beaver.

Chapter One: Leave It To Frodo

Scene: Mayfield, Middle Earth. Suburban setting sometime in the late 1950's. We see a lovely house with a beautiful front yard surrounded with a white picket fence. Frodo is sitting on the front stoop. The door opens. Frodo sees Aragorn about to leave the house with Legolas, Gimli and Boromir.

FRODO Hi, fellas! Where are you going? Can I come, too?

ARAGORN Sorry, Frodo. I promised the guys it'd be just us today. We have a practice meet on the battlefield.

BOROMIR Yeah, beat it, squirt!

ARAGORN Hey, knock it off, Boromir!

BOROMIR What are you yelling at me for? He always wants to tag along. (turns to Frodo) Run along and play with your own friends, squirt!

ARAGORN (sternly) Boromir, I'm warning you. Cut it out or I'll make you sorry you ever started picking on Frodo.

Boromir sees the serious look on Aragorn's face and also sees Aragorn fingering the handle of his Anduril sword and realizes he has gone too far. BOROMIR Okay, okay! Geez, Louise! I was just kidding!

ARAGORN Frodo, you and I can do something together tomorrow. I promise. But today it's just the guys and me. Okay?

FRODO (sad look on his adorable Hobbit face) Well, okay, Aragorn. Have a good time, fellas.

ARAGORN (feeling guilty) I promise I'll make it up to you, Frodo. I'll even treat you to an ice cream cone, okay?

FRODO (face brightens up a little) Really? Okay!

ARAGORN (smiles) See you later.

Scene: Living room of the house.

BILBO Gandalf, I'm worried about Frodo.

GANDALF You are? I must admit that I myself have been concerned about the little fellow. Earlier today I had a talk with Aragorn to remind him that he did take an oath to protect that little Hobbit.

BILBO How did it go?

GANDALF It went well. Aragorn's a good man. He just needed that little reminder.

BILBO I'm glad. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll give this house a good vacuuming since I'm already all dressed in my finest clothes.

GANDALF The pearls give the ensemble a nice touch.

BILBO Thank you. I thought so. So did Boromir with his usual, "My, what a lovely outfit you're wearing today, Mr. Baggins." Gawd, what a suck-up! What on earth does Aragorn see in him as a friend?

GANDALF Oh, I'm sure he has his good qualities. I just can't think of any at the moment. Well, I'm going to my den now to read up on magic spells. I'll see you a little later, my friend.

BILBO (mutters to himself) Sure, leave me with all the housework to do. Go hide in your den and smoke Hobbit weed.

Scene: Streets and sidewalks of this suburban town. Frodo and Sam are walking along. Sam is carrying a bag of doughnuts. He offers one to Frodo. Frodo politely refuses. Sam shrugs and happily munches on the doughnut.

FRODO Look, Sam. There are Merry and Pippin. Let's go say hi.

SAM (nods instead of speaking as his mouth is full of doughnut)

FRODO Hey, fellas. What are you doing?

MERRY Hi, Frodo. Hi, Sam. We're just trying to decide if that giant coffee cup up on top of that billboard is really filled with hot steaming coffee or not.

PIPPIN I say it IS hot coffee. Why else would it be steaming like that?

MERRY I say it's some sort of machine. Or maybe it's magic. Maybe Gandalf made that giant coffee cup and his magic keeps it steaming.

PIPPIN Well, there's only one way to find out for sure.

FRODO How?

PIPPIN Someone will have to climb up there and look inside.

MERRY Yeah!

PIPPIN Hey, Frodo, why don't you go on up there and tell us what's inside?

FRODO Me? Why me? I don't care what's making it steam.

MERRY What are you, Frodo? Chicken?

PIPPIN Yeah, Frodo! Are you chicken?

FRODO I'm not chicken! I just don't care what makes it steam. Since you guys are the ones who care, why don't one of YOU climb up there?

MERRY Frodo's a chicken! Frodo's a chicken!

PIPPIN Cluck, cluck, cluck! Frodo's a chicken!

FRODO Sam, aren't you going to say anything?

SAM (points to his mouth full of doughnut to indicate he can't talk at the moment)

Frodo rolls his eyes in exasperation.

Merry and Pippin continue clucking like chickens and teasing Frodo. Sam finishes swallowing his mouthful of doughnut.

SAM Frodo, why don't you go ahead and climb up there? It'll give you a chance to get rid of that ring you still have.

FRODO What do you mean, Sam?

SAM You still have it, don't you?

FRODO Well, yeah. What with school and homework and chores and stuff, I just haven't had time to get rid of it like I was supposed to. Gee whiz, Sam. How would climbing up to that giant coffee cup help me get rid of this ring?

SAM You could throw it down inside! If it's really magic hot steaming coffee, then won't the powerful magic destroy the ring?

FRODO M-maybe. Gee whiz, Sam. I don't know. What if it doesn't work? Then I'd only be climbing up there for nothing. What if I fall? What if I break something?

SAM Frodo, listen to the guys! They think you're chicken! Are you going to let them believe that about you?

FRODO (pauses to think this over) Hmmm. W-well, I guess not. I don't want it getting around town or in school that I was too chicken. Hey, fellas!

MERRY What, chicken? I mean, Frodo?

PIPPIN Yeah, what?

FRODO I'm gonna do it! Watch me!

MERRY and PIPPIN Hooray! Go Frodo! Go Frodo!

SAM Go Frodo! Oh, but if you fall and get hurt, it wasn't my idea, okay?

Frodo glares at Sam.

Scene: Practice field in Mayfield, Middle Earth

ARAGORN Great practice session, guys. You did good.

GIMLI We will do well in our next battle against those Orcs.

LEGOLAS Indeed. We make a great team.

BOROMIR Aragorn, how come you always get to be the Captain?

ARAGORN (rolls his eyes) Do we have to have this conversation every time we do this?

Scene: The billboard with the giant coffee cup on top. Frodo is teetering on the edge of the cup. Sam, Merry and Pippin are down below staring up at him.

SAM You can do it, Frodo! You're almost there! Just throw the Ring into that giant coffee cup!

FRODO Whoaaaaaa! (falls headfirst into the giant coffee cup)

SAM Frodo!

MERRY Uh-oh. Hey, I think I hear my mom calling me.

PIPPIN Uh, me, too! I gotta run. 'Bye, Sam!

Merry and Pippin take off running as fast as their Hobbit feet can carry them.

SAM

Hey! Come back here, you guys! Don't leave us! Frodo needs help!

FRODO Sam! Help me!

SAM Frodo! What's inside the cup? Is it hot coffee?

FRODO No!

SAM

Well, what is it?

FRODO

Why don't you get your sorry ass up here and find out for yourself, you stupid moronic sad excuse for a friend! I could kick myself for letting you talk me into climbing up here! You better hope I never get out of here because if I ever do, I'm gonna kick your sorry ass all the way out of Mayfield, Middle Earth!

SAM Frodo?! I-I've never heard you yell at me like that. How could you? I thought we were best friends!

FRODO Are you going to start crying now, you idiot? I'll give you something to cry about! Just you wait!

SAM (bawls) Waaaawww!

Word quickly reaches Bilbo and Gandalf about Frodo's situation. Gandalf, with the help of the giant flying eagle, rescues Frodo from inside the giant coffee cup.

Scene: Later that evening in the lovely home. Frodo is safely back in the bosom of his loving family.

FRODO I'll never do anything like that again. I promise.

BILBO Well, we're glad to hear that, Frodo. We're even more glad that you're okay.

GANDALF Aragorn, don't you have something you want to say to Frodo?

ARAGORN Well, okay. Frodo, I'm sorry I put the guys ahead of you. I should have stayed by your side, since I did take that oath to protect you. I promise to be better about that.

FRODO Thanks, Aragorn.

*group hug!*

Chapter Two: Miss Arwen Comes To Dinner

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Frodo's classroom after the bell has rung and the other students have left. Frodo is nervously hanging around by his teacher's desk. His teacher is the very beautiful Elf, Miss Arwen. She looks up from her paperwork and smiles at Frodo.

MISS ARWEN Yes, Frodo?

FRODO Uh, Miss Arwen, I was just wondering if, uh, well, if, uh ---

MISS ARWEN (smiling gently) Yes?

FRODO W-would you like to come over to my house for dinner this Saturday night? My Uncle Bilbo is a terrific cook. And seeing as how you're my favorite teacher of all the teachers I've ever had, I'd consider it a real honor and pleasure if you'd say yes.

MISS ARWEN Why, Frodo, that's very sweet of you. I would love to have dinner with you. Thank you for such a gracious invitation.

FRODO Wow! You're very welcome, Miss Arwen! Could you come over at six o'clock? That's when we usually have dinner.

MISS ARWEN Certainly, Frodo. I'm looking forward to it.

FRODO So am I, Miss Arwen! Good-night. See you tomorrow in class.

MISS ARWEN Good-night, Frodo.

What Frodo and Miss Arwen do not realize is that Merry and Pippin happened to be outside the doorway and heard the conversation that took place between Miss Arwen and Frodo. They quickly ran off before Frodo saw them.

MERRY Wow! Miss Arwen's going to have dinner at Frodo's house!

PIPPIN He's such a teacher's pet! What should we do?

MERRY What do you mean?

PIPPIN Oh, come on, Merry. This is too good a chance to pass up. Let's figure out what we can do this Saturday night at Frodo's house when Miss Arwen is there. We can't let Frodo get away with this. Hmpf! Teacher's pet!

The two of them leave the school and head home while they discuss what they could do.

SCENE: Saturday evening at Frodo's house. It is almost six o'clock. Frodo is dressed in his finest clothes and is anxious and nervous.

FRODO (knocking on the bathroom door) Aragorn! Are you almost ready? You took a bath and shaved, right? And you washed your hair, too, right? Be sure to put on your good clothes, you hear me?

ARAGORN (coming out of the bathroom) Frodo, don't be such a dope. What do you take me for? I don't plan to embarrass you in front of your teacher. I'll be on my best behavior. See? I'm perfectly groomed. I bathed, shampooed, shaved and now I'm going to put on my best clothes.

FRODO Good. I'm going downstairs to check on Gandalf and Uncle Bilbo. I hope everything is going okay in the kitchen.

ARAGORN Relax, Frodo. Take a few deep breaths. Gee, you're shaking like a leaf. She's just your teacher.

FRODO Yeah, well maybe to you she's just my teacher. But she's the best teacher I ever had, so I want this evening to go perfectly.

ARAGORN Okay, okay. I'll do all I can to help make that happen. You go on downstairs while I get dressed. See you in a few minutes.

FRODO Thanks, Aragorn.

SCENE: The living room. The doorbell rings.

FRODO I'll get it!

He opens the door. It is the beautiful Miss Arwen.

FRODO Good evening, Miss Arwen. Come in.

MISS ARWEN Good evening, Frodo. Thank you. My, you have a lovely home.

FRODO Thank you. Oh, here comes Aragorn. Miss Arwen, this is Aragorn. Aragorn, this is my teacher Miss Arwen. Let me take your coat and hang it up, Miss Arwen.

MISS ARWEN Thank you, Frodo.

While Frodo is hanging up Miss Arwen's coat in the closet, he does not notice his teacher and Aragorn gazing at each other in amazement. Aragorn is in awe of her beauty, and Miss Arwen is in awe of the rugged good looks of the tall, muscular handsome Ranger.

FRODO Come sit in the living room, Miss Arwen.

He leads his teacher toward the sofa. The living room is immaculate with fresh flowers in a vase adorning the coffee table. Uncle Bilbo had given the house a thorough cleaning earlier that afternoon while dressed in his finest clothes and pearls, and right before preparing a ten course dinner all from scratch in honor of Miss Arwen's visit.

Gandalf and Uncle Bilbo come out of the kitchen to greet their guest. They spend a few minutes chatting. Soon it is time for dinner.

FRODO Take my arm, Miss Arwen. I'll escort you to the dining room.

MISS ARWEN My goodness, aren't you the perfect gentleman, Frodo.

Frodo smiles and she takes his arm.

SCENE: The dining room. Everyone is seated around the table.

Dinner starts out well. The conversation is pleasant. But as the evening progresses, Frodo notices the looks exchanged between Miss Arwen and Aragorn. He also notices that as Aragorn passes the bread to Miss Arwen the two of them briefly touch hands. Frodo notices there is an attraction between his teacher and the Ranger. Frodo feels a heavy lump in his throat. Suddenly he no longer feels hungry.

BILBO Well, who's ready for dessert? I made strawberry shortcake.

MISS ARWEN That sound delicious, Mr. Baggins. I'd love a piece.

BILBO I'll be right back with dessert.

FRODO May I please be excused? I don't feel very well.

GANDALF What's wrong, Frodo?

FRODO I just need to get some fresh air. I'll be right back.

Frodo rushes from the table and heads out to the backyard. He sits on the patio furniture and a tear rolls down his adorable Hobbit face. He sobs.

MISS ARWEN Oh, dear. I hope it's nothing serious.

ARAGORN Maybe I should go out there.

GANDALF No, Aragorn. You stay here. Let's leave the little fellow to himself for now. Hmmm. Miss Arwen, did you know that when I was a very young lad I once had a tremendous crush on my schoolteacher?

MISS ARWEN Really?

GANDALF Yes. She was the nicest, sweetest, most beautiful teacher I ever had. I never told her about my feelings for her. Lacked the courage, I guess.

MISS ARWEN (pauses and suddenly it dawns on her) Oh, dear. Oh, no. Poor Frodo!

ARAGORN Oh, no. The poor little guy.

MISS ARWEN I must go speak with him. Excuse me, please.

She gets up from the table and goes out to the backyard. She quietly approaches Frodo and sits beside him.

MISS ARWEN Frodo? Are you all right?

She hands him a clean handkerchief.

FRODO (takes the handkerchief and blows into it) Y-yes. Didn't you want to stay inside for dessert? Uncle Bilbo makes a delicious strawberry shortcake.

MISS ARWEN I'd enjoy it better if you could be there with us to have dessert. Frodo, may I tell you something?

FRODO Sure, Miss Arwen. You can tell me anything you like.

MISS ARWEN You're one of my very best students I've ever had the pleasure of instructing in all my years as a teacher. And you're also a very fine person. You're kind, well-mannered, hard-working, and very responsible. I'm very glad I know you.

FRODO Gee whiz, Miss Arwen. You mean it?

MISS ARWEN Yes, I certainly do mean it. If only I'd met you when I was a few years younger, I could really take a fancy to you. But I'm afraid I'll just have to settle for being your teacher. When you're all grown up, whoever ends up sharing your life with you will be one very lucky person.

FRODO Wow, Miss Arwen! You sure are swell!

MISS ARWEN Thank you, Frodo. Are you feeling well enough to come inside for some dessert?

FRODO I sure am! Uh, can I give you a hug?

MISS ARWEN I'd love a hug from you, Frodo.

They stand up and hug. She smiles. Then she has a puzzled look on her face. She turns and looks downward.

MISS ARWEN Uh, Frodo?

FRODO Yes, Miss Arwen?

MISS ARWEN You can take your hands off of my bottom now.

FRODO (grins sheepishly) Okay, Miss Arwen.

They go inside the house.

Meanwhile hiding way up in one of the tall trees in the backyard are Merry and Pippin.

MERRY Did you see that?

PIPPIN Sure I did! Did you hear all of that?

MERRY I sure did.

Suddenly they hear a loud cough from above. They look upward and see Legolas frowning at them.

LEGOLAS If you two boys know what's best for you, you'll climb down this tree quietly, go home and not make any trouble for Frodo and Miss Arwen. Or you'll both feel the sharpness of my arrows in your round little bottoms.

MERRY and PIPPIN (nervously) Yes, sir, Legolas. Uh, 'bye now. Gotta go.

They run home.

SCENE: The bedroom that Frodo and Aragorn share. Gandalf and Bilbo have wished them a good-night and closed the door.

FRODO (sleepily) Good-night, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Good-night, Frodo. Oh, I have to use the bathroom. I'll keep it quiet so as not to disturb you.

FRODO Thanks, Aragorn. Zzzzzzzzz.

Aragorn enters the bathroom to use the facilities. He finishes and then washes his hands. He hears a soft tap on the bathroom window. He opens it and sees the face of a beautiful blond Elf.

ARAGORN Legolas? What are you doing here?

LEGOLAS Do you think I'm blind? When are you planning to toss me aside for Frodo's teacher? Were you even going to tell me, or do you plan to juggle the both of us?

ARAGORN Shhhhhh! This is not a good time! You'll have to leave.

LEGOLAS Fine. But we WILL have this conversation, my little Ranger.

The Elf silently and quickly disappears.

Aragorn sighs.

Chapter Three: A Kiss In The Classroom

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Miss Arwen's classroom at the end of the school day. The students have left. She is alone grading papers. There is a knock on the door, then it opens. Miss Arwen looks up and is surprised to see Aragorn.

MISS ARWEN Oh! Aragorn. What brings you here?

ARAGORN I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd walk Frodo home from school. I guess I must have missed him.

MISS ARWEN Yes. Class was dismissed fifteen minutes ago.

ARAGORN Oh. I see. Uh, how are you, Miss Arwen?

MISS ARWEN Fine, thank you. And you?

ARAGORN Couldn't be better.

He smiles and closes the door, then walks slowly toward her.

ARAGORN Is there anything I can help you with? Wash the blackboard? Clap erasers?

Miss Arwen smiles.

MISS ARWEN No, thank you, Aragorn. I'm almost finished here grading these papers. I'll be leaving soon.

Aragorn sits on the edge of her desk and smiles at her.

ARAGORN We enjoyed having you over for dinner last weekend. Bilbo and Gandalf could not stop raving about you and how much they enjoyed your company.

MISS ARWEN That's very nice to hear.

ARAGORN I noticed Principal Elrond escorting two of Frodo's classmates into his office when I was walking down the hall on my way here. Merry and Pippin. How are they doing in your class?

MISS ARWEN Fairly well. But I had to send them to see Principal Elrond because they're having trouble paying attention in my class.

ARAGORN I find that hard to believe. If I had a teacher like you, I would not be able to take my eyes off of you or stop listening to each and every word that comes from your lips. (slowly) Your soft . . . luscious . . . beautiful . . . lips.

Aragorn moves toward Miss Arwen. He gently cups her face in his hands. He leans forward and kisses her. She does not resist.

He releases her. There is an embarrassed silence between them. She feels flustered. They are both breathing hard.

MISS ARWEN I'd better leave now.

She quickly gathers together the papers on her desk and places them inside her briefcase. He places his hands over hers and stops her.

ARAGORN (softly) I'd really like to see you sometime soon, but not in school.

MISS ARWEN Perhaps that's not such a good idea. What if Frodo were to see us together? A schoolboy's crush can be very powerful, and I don't want to hurt him.

ARAGORN I care about Frodo, too. But we can't deny how we feel about each other. At least, I know I can't.

MISS ARWEN You're very sure of yourself, Ranger. How do you know how I feel about you? That is, if I even have any feelings for you?

Aragorn stares at her, then chuckles.

ARAGORN I see. You're going to play hard to get. Fine.

He turns and saunters toward the door, opens it, then turns to face her.

ARAGORN Good night, Miss Arwen.

He leaves and closes the door behind him.

She stares at the closed door.

MISS ARWEN Damn that Ranger!

She sits down in her chair, lowers her head on the desk and pouts to herself.

SCENE: The front stoop of Frodo's home. Frodo is sitting there tossing and catching a baseball. He sees Aragorn approaching.

FRODO Hi, Aragorn. How was your day?

ARAGORN Good. And yours?

FRODO I had a good day, too. Can't complain when I have Miss Arwen for a teacher. She's swell!

ARAGORN Yeah. Swell. I'm going inside. Are you coming in or staying out here?

FRODO I guess I'll come inside. Uncle Bilbo might have dinner ready soon.

ARAGORN Why don't you make yourself useful by washing your hands and setting the table? I'll see you in a few minutes.

FRODO Okay.

Aragorn heads upstairs to their bedroom. He enters, closes the door and suddenly feels himself pushed facedown onto his bed. A body covers his. He looks at the slender hands and wrists that are pinning down his hands.

ARAGORN Legolas, what are you doing in my room?

LEGOLAS Waiting for you. You certainly took a long time getting home. School let out over an hour ago. Where were you?

ARAGORN You're so smart. Why don't you figure it out?

LEGOLAS Do you really think it's a good idea to get involved with Frodo's teacher?

ARAGORN It's really none of your business.

LEGOLAS Oh, I think it is. (sniffs) You smell of flowery perfume. You were with her. Don't deny it.

ARAGORN Legolas, we need to talk.

LEGOLAS I totally agree. But not here. Not now.

ARAGORN All right. Where? When?

LEGOLAS I'll let you know. I have to go now. But you think over what you are risking by getting involved with Miss Arwen. Think very carefully.

Within seconds, Legolas disappears silently out the window.

Aragorn looks outside. Legolas is nowhere in sight.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) How does he do that?

Chapter Four: Miss Eowyn

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The school athletic field of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir and Gimli are practicing with their weapons. Suddenly Aragorn notices a young attractive woman walking along the edge of the field and wielding a sword. She swings it back and forth with smooth precise movements.

ARAGORN Who is that?

LEGOLAS She must be the new physical education instructor for the girls.

GIMLI She appears to know how to handle a sword.

BOROMIR Wow! What a babe! Hmm. Maybe I'll give her a thrill and give her a taste of the famous Boromir charm that all the luscious ladies go for.

ARAGORN I'll go introduce myself. After all, I am team captain of the Rangers. Swords are my specialty.

BOROMIR Aragorn, why do you always get to be the captain?

ARAGORN (ignoring Boromir) Wait here, guys. I won't be long.

He walks over to the woman swinging the sword. She does not see him approaching. She swings her sword and would have struck Aragorn had he not stopped her with his own sword with his expert swing. Their eyes lock in a mesmerized gaze.

ARAGORN Not bad for a girl. I am Aragorn, the team captain of the Rangers.

EOWYN I'm a woman, not a girl. I am the girls' new physical education instructor. You may address me as Miss Eowyn. And I don't think I care for your patronizing attitude. 'Not bad for a girl.' From what cave did you just crawl?

ARAGORN My apologies. I'm not used to seeing a sword being wielded so well from a member of the fairer sex.

EOWYN Well, get used to it, buddy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to practice my movements.

ARAGORN May I offer a few pointers? Just my way of showing good will to make up for any transgression I may have inadvertently committed.

EOWNY (pauses as she looks him up and down) Very well. But I doubt you can teach me something about swords that I don't already know.

Meanwhile Principal Elrond and his daughter Miss Arwen are leaving the school building. They are taking a short cut to the parking lot by cutting across the athletic field. Miss Arwen stops dead in her tracks when she sees Aragorn and Eowyn. He is standing closely behind Eowyn with his arms wrapped around her. His hands are guiding her hands as he shows her how to swing the sword. Miss Arwen can see their faces close together, so close that it would be very easy for Aragorn to steal a kiss from Eowyn.

MISS ARWEN Daddy, who is that woman over there with the Ranger?

PRINCIPAL ELROND Oh, that's right. You have not yet met the school's new physical education instructor for the girls. Come along. I'll introduce you to her.

Chapter Five: A New Rule

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings

SCENE: The school athletic field of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Principal Elrond and his daughter Miss Arwen approach Aragorn and Eowyn. The Ranger notices the pair approaching. He releases Eowyn from his embrace, much to Eowyn's disappointment. She was enjoying the feel of the Ranger's body warmth and the tempered steel-like muscles holding her closely.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Miss Eowyn, I'd like you to meet my daughter Arwen. She teaches the younger students, mostly Hobbits.

EOWYN How do you do?

MISS ARWEN Very well, thank you. And you?

EOWYN Just great. I really think I'm going to like it here.

Miss Arwen notices Eowyn smiling at Aragorn as she says this. Aragorn smiles back at Eowyn.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Miss Eowyn transferred here from Rohan. Their loss is our gain, I trust.

EOWYN Thank you, Principal Elrond.

She did not tell them that the main reason she transferred over was to get away from the creepy leers of Grima Wormtongue, the Counselor at the Rohan School. Her father Principal Theoden valued the advice Wormtongue gave him, even though Eowyn thought most of what Wormtongue told him was horse doo-doo.

EOWYN (thinking to herself) Maybe after I get to know these people better, I'll them why I really left Rohan. But it's too soon right now.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Well, we must be going now. See you in school tomorrow.

EOWYN Good night.

ARAGORN Good night, Principal Elrond. Good night, Miss Arwen.

MISS ARWEN Good night, all.

As Miss Arwen and her father walk toward their car, she glances back and sees Aragorn and Eowyn deep in conversation. Principal Elrond glances back and frowns slightly at the pair standing closely together as they laugh and talk.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Hmmm. Tomorrow I will have to issue a memorandum to the faculty about a new rule that will go into effect immediately.

MISS ARWEN New rule? What do you mean, Daddy?

PRINCIPAL ELROND No fraternizing between faculty members and students. We don't currently have a policy about that because the subject never came up. But now I think it's time I put one in place.

MISS ARWEN Oh.

Later that night Miss Arwen lay in her bed. She thinks about the new rule her father would be putting into effect about no fraternizing between faculty members and students.

MISS ARWEN (thinking to herself) What would Daddy have done if he had walked in on Aragorn and me in my classroom when we were kissing? Oh, dear.

She drifts off to sleep and dreams of being back in the classroom and reliving the moment when Aragorn spoke of her soft luscious lips right before he kissed her. But her dream does not end there. Arwen smiles like a cat who finished the last of the cream as she dreams that Aragorn swept all the papers from the top of her desk, then lifted her up, placed her on top of the desk, then made love to her right there in the classroom.

She moans in her sleep as she dreams of being held closely by the Ranger, his kisses running up and down her body.

The next morning Miss Arwen awakens happy. Then she feels sad when it dawns on her that it was only a dream.

TO BE CONTINUED

First Meeting (Slash fanfic)
Chapter One: The New Kid

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The athletic field of the school of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli are practicing with their weapons.

GIMLI Have you noticed that this school is gradually filling up with Elves?

BOROMIR You mean the new principal?

GIMLI Not just Principal Elrond. I hear he's going to bring in his daughter so she can teach the young Hobbits.

BOROMIR Can you spell 'nepotism'?

ARAGORN I heard that a new Elf student transferred from Mirkwood. Have you met him yet?

BOROMIR Nope. How about you, Gimli?

GIMLI No. And I'm in no hurry.

A bell rings.

ARAGORN Time to head inside.

The three of them sprint over to the school building. They do not notice the figure observing them from high up in a tree. It is the figure of a beautiful blond male Elf who had overheard their conversation regarding Elves. He waits until the three figures disappear into the school, then he climbs down the tree and heads for the school.

SCENE: Classroom. The door opens. In walks the beautiful blond male Elf. The instructor turns to see who it is. The Elf hands the instructor a piece of paper.

INSTRUCTOR (reads the paper, then looks at the Elf) Good afternoon, Legolas. Welcome to my class. There's one empty seat over there. Please make yourself comfortable and we'll begin.

LEGOLAS Thank you, sir.

The Elf sits. His seat is right next to the one occupied by Aragorn.

INSTRUCTOR Aragorn, since Legolas doesn't have a textbook for this class yet, would you please share yours with him? Legolas, your textbook should be delivered here tomorrow, so I'll issue it to you then.

ARAGORN (smiles and nods to the newcomer) We're on this page here. Chapter ten.

LEGOLAS Thank you.

Aragorn is having trouble paying attention to the instructor's lecture. The Ranger finds it very hard to take his eyes off of Legolas.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) What a magnificent face! I could look at that face for hours and never tire of it. Hang on! What's wrong with me? I'm Aragorn! Big Man on Campus! All the girls in this school adore me. I could have my pick of any of them. In fact, I've HAD my pick of them. So why do I now have a fantasy of snogging this Elf in the shower of the locker room and shagging him senseless?! Gah!!!

The Ranger feels very confused about his new feelings. He finds he still cannot take his eyes off of Legolas. The Elf feels the eyes of the Ranger on him, so he turns to look at him. Aragorn quickly averts his eyes and pretends to be intent on looking at the instructor.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Do I have a smudge on face? Is my hair sticking up? Why did Aragorn stare at me like that for such a long time? I wish I hadn't left my compact in my locker. Mental note to self: Keep my compact with me at all times so I can check my appearance.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Does he know I was staring at him? Geez! I hope he doesn't think I'm pervy!

About an hour later the bell rings. The instructor dismisses the class.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Quickly now, say something to him! Don't just let this beautiful Elf leave!

Legolas gets up to leave.

LEGOLAS (smiles at Aragorn) Thank you for sharing your textbook with me.

ARAGORN (heart beating rapidly) Sure. No problem. Hey, do you want me to show you around the school? I know how it feels to be the new kid.

LEGOLAS That would nice. Thank you. I'd like that.

ARAGORN Let's go.

The Ranger and the Elf spend the next half hour touring the school. It is almost empty, as the school day is over and most of the students have left. A few hang around to chat and trade class notes. But soon it is only Aragorn and Legolas left in the school.

LEGOLAS Shouldn't we leave now? They'll be closing the school and locking the doors any moment.

ARAGORN We still have a few minutes. Come on. I forgot one more place to show you.

LEGOLAS Okay.

He follows Aragorn.

LEGOLAS This is the Boys' Locker Room. I've already seen it.

ARAGORN (smiles mischievously) Ah, but not like this, I'll bet.

LEGOLAS (puzzled) Like what?

ARAGORN (pauses, and appears to be deep in thought) Wait. On second thought, maybe I'd better not. You might be too young for this.

LEGOLAS Too young? I don't think so.

ARAGORN No, no. This was a mistake. Let's just leave. Time to go home now.

LEGOLAS No! Show me! What is it? I'm not too young!

ARAGORN Well, let me see. If you're sure you're mature enough for this. . .

LEGOLAS Of course I am! Now what is it?

ARAGORN Okay. Follow me.

Aragorn opens the doors of the Boys Locker Room and enters. Legolas follows.

Chapter Two: So Close And Yet So Far

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Inside the Boys' Locker Room. Aragorn and Legolas are there.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) I can't do this! I want to, but I can't! What if he gets disgusted with me and refuses to have anything to do with me anymore? I don't want this beautiful Elf to avoid me! What if he decides to tranfer out of this school? Oh, but his face is just so, so very lovely and his lips are just so, so perfect . . . oh, geeez! He's right here only inches from me. So close and yet so far.

LEGOLAS So what's inside this Boys' Locker Room that I'm supposedly too young to see?

ARAGORN (snapping out of his deep thoughts) Huh? Oh, right. Uh, it's over here.

Aragorn stalls by slowing walking toward the shower area. Legolas follows him. Aragorn stops just as they reach the showers.

ARAGORN That's odd. It's not here anymore. I guess they must have moved it.

LEGOLAS (puzzled) What's not here anymore? And who are 'they'?

ARAGORN It's too complicated to explain. Aw, let's just forget about it. We'd better leave now. They might be locking the doors any second, and we don't want to be locked inside this building all night.

But the thought of being locked inside any building overnight with this beautiful Elf excites the Ranger very much.

LEGOLAS (still puzzled) Very well.

They leave. Ten seconds after the two of them exit the building the janitor locks all the doors.

ARAGORN Where do you live?

LEGOLAS I have an apartment downtown. It suits my needs. How about you?

ARAGORN I live in a house with a wizard and a couple of Hobbits. Do you live with anyone?

LEGOLAS No. I have the entire apartment to myself. I like having my own space. Would you like to see it?

ARAGORN (heart beats very rapidly as he tries to be cool about it) Sure. When's a good time?

LEGOLAS How about this Saturday morning? I'll give you the address and phone number.

The Elf writes his address and phone number on a sheet of paper in his notepad. He tears out the sheet and hands it to Aragorn. Aragorn takes it and tries not to let his excitement show.

ARAGORN And here's where you can reach me outside of school.

The Ranger scribbles his home address and phone number on a sheet of note paper and gives it to Legolas.

LEGOLAS Thanks. See you Saturday morning, then?

ARAGORN You bet.

Chapter Three: Early Morning Visits

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The bedroom shared by Aragorn and Frodo. Saturday morning at 6 o'clock. Aragorn has been awake for an hour already. He is looking forward to seeing Legolas today. The alarm clock rings. He hits the button to stop the ringing. Frodo stirs and awakens.

FRODO (sleepily) Good morning, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Good morning, Frodo. Sleep well?

FRODO Yeah. Thanks. How about you?

ARAGORN Not bad. I've already had my shower, so I'm going to head outside now. See you later.

FRODO Aren't you going to stick around for breakfast? Uncle Bilbo says breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

ARAGORN I'll grab an apple on the way out. Have a good day.

FRODO (puzzled) Uh, okay. You, too. 'Bye.

Aragorn rushes out of their room, down the stairs and out the door. Frodo hears the front door close shut.

FRODO (thinking to himself) It's not like Aragorn to be up so early on a Saturday. I wonder where he's going? Oh, well. Maybe Uncle Bilbo is going to make his famous blueberry pancakes this morning. Yum!

He gets out of bed to go take his shower.

SCENE: The downtown apartment where Legolas lives. He awakens to the sound of a knock on his front door. He sleepily gets up to answer it. Legolas sees a tall handsome blond Elf carrying a grocery sack standing outside the doorway.

LEGOLAS Haldir? What a pleasant surprise!

HALDIR (smiling) Good morning, Legolas. I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd pay you a visit.

LEGOLAS You were in the neighborhood?

HALDIR Yes. I'm going to see Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel this afternoon. I figured since I'm here in Mayfield, I'd stop by to see you first.

LEGOLAS Well, it's always nice to see you. Excuse my appearance. I just woke up a moment ago.

HALDIR I brought breakfast. Are you hungry?

LEGOLAS Of course. Do you mind if I take a quick shower first? It'll help awaken me. I'm still a little sleepy.

HALDIR Go ahead. I'll set the table and get all this food ready for us.

LEGOLAS Thanks. I won't be long.

Legolas goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. Haldir opens the cupboard doors and brings out some dishes and glassware.

A few minutes later there is another knock on the door. Haldir goes to answer it. It is Aragorn.

HALDIR (smiles) Yes? May I help you?

ARAGORN (startled to see a strange Elf in Legolas' apartment) Uh, maybe I have the wrong apartment. I'm looking for an Elf named Legolas.

HALDIR You have the right apartment. He's in the shower at the moment. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?

ARAGORN I am Aragorn. Legolas and I go to school together.

HALDIR I am Haldir. Come in, Aragorn. I was just getting breakfast ready.

Aragorn enters the apartment. He sees the dining table all set for two. Just then the bathroom door opens and out walks Legolas.

Nude.

Totally.

Beautiful.

Absolutely.

Stunning.

Smelling like a fragrant sweet rainforest.

Aragorn's mouth drops open, then he composes himself.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Apparently Elves are very comfortable with their bodies that they feel unabashed about walking around like this in front of others.

He looks at Haldir for any reaction to Legolas' current state of undress. Haldir seems completely at ease with it.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Damn! What did I just walk in on here? I might have known an Elf as stunningly beautiful as Legolas would already have someone! And I might have known it would be another tall blond gorgeous Elf!

Suddenly Aragorn feels very unattractive. What would a beautiful Elf like Legolas see in a mere Man like himself, when he could have Haldir?

LEGOLAS Aragorn! I didn't expect you here this early in the day.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Apparently not, you slut. Oh, what I am I thinking? I have no claim on Legolas. He doesn't even know how I feel about him.

Aragorn smiles and looks around. Legolas puts on a robe.

ARAGORN My apologies if my early arrival has caused any problems. Am I interrupting something?

LEGOLAS No, no. Not at all. I'm very happy to see you, Aragorn. Do please have a seat. Join us for some breakfast?

HALDIR Yes, Aragorn. There is plenty of food. Do join us.

ARAGORN Uh, thank you. But I don't want to intrude. I should leave and come back later.

HALDIR Nonsense! You're not intruding! Please stay!

LEGOLAS Aragorn? Are you all right? Please don't go. You've come all this way. There's no need for you to rush off.

Aragorn looks at the two beautiful blond Elves. He feels completely out of place here.

ARAGORN I'm all right. I just need some fresh air. You two enjoy your breakfast. I'll come back this afternoon, if that's okay. Haldir, it was very nice meeting you.

LEGOLAS (puzzled and feeling a little hurt) Of course it' s okay for you to come back later this afternoon. I'll be right here. See you then?

ARAGORN Yes. See you then around one o'clock.

HALDIR Nice meeting you, too, Aragorn. Sorry you have to leave so soon.

Aragorn turns and leaves, closing the door behind him.

Legolas and Haldir watch him through the window.

LEGOLAS I wonder why he left so abruptly like that?

HALDIR (a little more street-smart than Legolas) Sometimes you can be so blind, my dear Legolas.

LEGOLAS (surprised) And just what do you mean by that?

HALDIR This may take a while. Sit. Have some breakfast, and I'll give you my theory as to why your school chum didn't stay long.

They take their seats and have breakfast.

Chapter Four: Disappointment

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The streets of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn is wandering aimlessly about and feeling disappointed about how his morning did not go as he had expected. Suddenly he hears footsteps running toward him from behind. He turns and sees Boromir.

BOROMIR Aragorn! Hey, buddy! Where've you been?

ARAGORN Good morning, Boromir. Just out and about.

BOROMIR I showed up at your house and was surprised to hear you left around six o'clock. Decided to catch the early worm, huh?

ARAGORN Uh, yeah. Whatever.

BOROMIR So where are you off to now?

ARAGORN No where in particular.

BOROMIR Are you feeling okay, buddy? You seem down.

ARAGORN Thanks for asking. I'll be fine. It's nothing.

BOROMIR Want to shoot some hoops? Or practice with our swords? We could meet Gimli later.

ARAGORN No, thanks. Boromir, if you don't mind, I think I need to be alone for a while. But I appreciate your concern. See you later, okay?

BOROMIR Uh, sure, pal. Whatever you say.

Boromir watches Aragorn walk away.

BOROMIR (thinking to himself) I wonder what's troubling him?

SCENE: Back at the apartment where Legolas lives. Haldir and Legolas have finished breakfast and are clearing away the dishes.

HALDIR And that's my theory as to why Aragorn was in such a hurry to leave.

LEGOLAS I can't believe I didn't pick up on any of this. How could I have been so blind? That is, if your theory is correct.

HALDIR I'll bet you a session in Lord Celeborn's Day Spa that I'm right.

LEGOLAS No, thank you. I think you'd win. Haldir, what should I do? He seemed so hurt when he left.

HALDIR That depends on how you feel about him.

LEGOLAS I only met him a couple of days ago in school. I haven't had time to get to know him well enough to form any real opinion about him.

HALDIR Well, apparently it didn't take him long to form one about you. What will you tell him when he comes over today at one o'clock?

LEGOLAS I'll have to think about it. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me or to start avoiding me in school.

HALDIR Good luck, my friend. Well, I'll be leaving now to see Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel. If you want to tell me later how it goes with Aragorn, I'll be all ears.

LEGOLAS Thanks, Haldir. And thanks for breakfast. I had a nice time visiting with you.

Haldir smiles and leaves. Legolas closes the door and sighs.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Poor Aragorn.

Chapter Five: Legolas Decides What To Do

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings

SCENE: Bilbo's kitchen at 10 o'clock in the morning. Aragorn is there having brunch. It has been hours since he had eaten that apple at 6 a.m., so he is finally hungry enough now to eat a real meal.

BILBO Where did you rush off to so early in the morning? You missed out on blueberry pancakes.

ARAGORN Just out. Sorry about those pancakes.

BILBO Your loss is Frodo's gain. He ate your share. You're a big lad, so I won't press you about where you went, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. So is Gandalf. And so is Frodo. We all care about you, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Thanks, Bilbo. That means a lot to me.

He continues to eat. He decides to tell Bilbo about where he went this morning.

ARAGORN I was paying a visit to a new friend from school. But it turns out he already had company, so I decided to leave and go back later. In fact, I'll be heading over to his place early this afternoon.

BILBO A new friend from school? That's nice. Why don't you invite him over for dinner tonight? It'll give the whole family a chance to meet him.

ARAGORN Thanks, Bilbo. I'll do that when I see him this afternoon. Are you sure it's no trouble?

BILBO No trouble at all, dear boy. I'll make pot roast and all the trimmings. How's that?

ARAGORN Great! I love your pot roast.

BILBO Well, now, it's nice to see you smiling again. You've had such a sad look on your face ever since you got back home earlier.

Aragorn feels better. He is now optimistic about seeing Legolas in the afternoon.

SCENE: The apartment where Legolas lives. He reads a book while he waits for Aragorn's arrival. He has had time to think about Aragorn and what to say to him. The hour approaches. There is a knock on the door. The Elf gets up, opens it and greets his visitor.

LEGOLAS (smiling warmly) Aragorn, come in. It's good to see you.

ARAGORN Thanks. Sorry about rushing off earlier. I hope you and Haldir didn't take offense at that. I just needed some air. Wasn't feeling well.

LEGOLAS Don't worry about that. I'm happy that you could finally make it over here for a real visit. Well, this is my apartment. Let me show you around.

Legolas gives Aragorn the grand tour. Then they sit down at the dining table.

LEGOLAS Are you hungry? I could make us some lunch.

ARAGORN No, thanks. I had a late brunch at home. But if you're hungry, please don't let me stop you.

LEGOLAS I'm fine. Let's just talk.

ARAGORN Fine by me.

There is an embarrassed silence between them for a few minutes. Each is expecting the other to say something. Finally Aragorn speaks.

ARAGORN Would you like to come over to my house for dinner tonight? Bilbo Baggins, he's the Hobbit who lives with us, said I could have you over. He's making pot roast with all the trimmings.

LEGOLAS (smiles) I'd like that. Yes, I'd love to have dinner at your place tonight.

ARAGORN Great. That's great.

He looks around the room while trying to think of something to talk about.

LEGOLAS Aragorn, would you like to sit over there? It's more comfortable.

He motions toward the sofa.

ARAGORN Yes, thank you.

They both sit on the sofa. Another embarrassed silence ensues for about three minutes.

The Elf decides to take matters in his own hands. Without saying a word, Legolas embraces Aragorn and plants a kiss right on his mouth. It is a long deep wet kiss. Legolas' tongue probes Aragorn's mouth while he runs his slender fingers through the Ranger's long dark hair. After a long moment, Legolas releases Aragorn from his embrace and smiles at him.

LEGOLAS Do you feel better now that we've gotten that out of the way?

Aragorn is speechless for a few seconds. He had not seen that coming at all. He stares at Legolas.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Oh, no! Haldir's theory was totally wrong! Aragorn now thinks I'm a pervy Man-fancying Elf!

Legolas jumps up from the sofa.

LEGOLAS (in a contrite tone) I am so sorry, Aragorn. That was terribly forward of me, and it was most inappropriate. Please forgive me. I'll understand if you want to leave right now and never see me again.

Without saying a word, Aragorn gets up from the sofa, takes Legolas by the hands and gently pulls him back down so they are both seated on the sofa again.

ARAGORN Leave and never see you again? Don't be a silly ass. You're the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on in all my days here on Middle Earth. All I've been wanting to do since I first saw you is kiss you and much, much more.

LEGOLAS Much, much more? Care to elaborate on that?

ARAGORN Sure. Do you want me to tell you or show you?

LEGOLAS You know where the bedroom is, right?

They both smile, get up from the sofa and head down the hall.

LEGOLAS And I'm still counting on that pot roast dinner tonight.

ARAGORN Less talking, more kissing.

* * * The End * * *

Getting Answers from Gollum, Austin Powers Style
DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Lord of the Rings and/or Austin Powers.

**********************************************

FIRST ORC TORTURING GOLLUM: Who has the Ring?

GOLLUM: I'ssss neversss tellssss! Neverssss!

FIRST ORC: WHO HAS THE RING?

GOLLUM: Youssss canssss torturesss meeee, but Gollum will neversss tellsss!

FIRST ORC: WHO HAS THE RING?

GOLLUM: BAGGINS!

SECOND ORC: That was easy. Why'd you tell?

GOLLUM: Gollumsss hatesss to hearsss questionssss three timesssss!

FIRST ORC: Where is Baggins?

GOLLUM: I'sss neversss tellsss! Neversss!

FIRST ORC: Oh, now do I REALLY have to ask you two more times?

GOLLUM: Goessss to Hell!

FIRST ORC: Fine! WHERE IS BAGGINS?

GOLLUM: My lipsssss are sealed!

SECOND ORC: Ah-ha! He asked you three times! You have to tell!

First Orc smiles in agreement.

GOLLUM (amazingly loses his sssss as he explains): No, no! The first question was 'Where is Baggins?' Then you asked 'Oh, now do I REALLY have to ask you two more times?' That opens up a whole new line of questioning that doesn't count toward the first line of questioning!

SECOND ORC: You know, he's right.

FIRST ORC: Damn!

It's A Wonderful Life, Prince Edmund
It's A Wonderful Life, Prince Edmund

- a Black Adder fanfic by Jean Akins -

written May 24, 2002

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Blackadder.


Scene: 15th Century Heaven. A new angel eager to earn his wings is awaiting his assignment. He is finally summoned by Joseph, an archangel, to be briefed.

Joseph: Take a look down there, Flash. There he is, your first assignment.

Flash: Where? I don't see anything.

Joseph: Oh, I forgot. You don't have your wings yet. Here, let me help you up. There, see?

Flash: Oh, yes. There he is down on his knees praying. Hang on! I think I know him. Eddie? Prince Edmund? How did he get in that dungeon?

Joseph: That's right. Prince Edmund Plantagenet. His childhood rival Philip of Burgundy, a.k.a. the Hawk, locked him in that dungeon. Edmund is requesting our help through prayer, so we're answering. We're sending you down to show him the error of his ways and convince him to go down the right path, otherwise he will be doomed, and so will his family. Oh, sure he's saying in his prayer that he intends to follow the path of the saints, but we can see what lies ahead of him. And it's not a pretty future.

Flash: It's not? How can I help? Eddie and I have been through a lot together. If there's a nasty future ahead of him, I'd like to help get him out of it.

Joseph: We'll send you down to where he's being held in the dungeon. You'll need to inhabit the body of the person who happens to be physically nearest to him at that moment in order to be able to communicate with him. Don't worry. No harm will come to the person whose body you are borrowing. Afterward that person won't even remember what happened.

Flash: I understand. And I'm ready.

Joseph: Actually, you're not completely ready yet. I need to brief you on the highlights of the life of your new charge. There are chapters of his life that you missed. It'll only take a moment.

Joseph uses his celestial powers to place in Flash's mind the entire six episodes of The Black Adder.

Flash: Whoa! What a rush! Poor Eddie! What a pathetic life that poor little sod has led! Oh, and when I say 'sod', I mean that in the nicest possible way. So he gets mutilated and dies from drinking poisoned wine?

Joseph: Well, the mutilation will eventually kill him even if he doesn't drink the wine. It all depends on how he conducts his life after you spend time with him steering him in the right path, if you can. It could go either way. Now you're ready. Do a good job, Flash, and you'll get your wings.

POOF! Flash disappears from Heaven and is sent down to earth. He enters the dungeon and sees Mad Gerald sitting in a dark corner. Flash takes over Mad Gerald's body. Mad Gerald's soul and mind go dormant, leaving Flash free to use his body to communicate with Edmund.

Edmund: (finishing his prayer) Amen.

Flash: Amen.

Edmund had no idea anyone else was there. He leaps in terror.

Edmund: (startled) Who are you?

Flash: (stepping out of the darkness) Don't be afraid, Edmund. You don't recognize me, but it is I, your old friend Prince Flashheart, Duke of Kent.

Edmund: (skeptical) Flashheart? No, I know Flash, and you certainly don't look anything like him.

Flash: That's because I've taken over this body of the poor chap who shares this dungeon with you. You didn't notice him sitting in that dark corner over there. Edmund, apparently you didn't hear about it, but I died a few months ago. I'm an angel now, sent down here today to be your guardian, in answer to your prayer. Remember when I paid you a visit awhile back years ago before I married, and I stole all those lovely young women from your brother Harry? He wasn't a happy camper then, was he?

Edmund: That was amusing, yes. OH, MY GOD! Flash, is it really you? You're dead?

Flash: Yes, Eddie. I was killed in battle. I leave behind my beloved Duchess of Kent and her chocolate chastity belt. Last I saw when I checked up on her, she was still grieving for me. Poor dear sweet Belinda!

Edmund: Yes. Poor Belinda. So sorry I never paid my respects, but I didn't hear about it. Been busy rounding up my own band of men to take over the kingdom. Well, Flash, if you're indeed my guardian angel, it should be an easy feat for you to get me out of this locked dungeon, right?

Flash: Right. But first we need to have a little chat.

Edmund: Chat? Oh, all right. Um, do all guardian angels look like you? With the wild hair and all?

Flash: Oh, this. This isn't what I really look like. I just needed to borrow the body of the person who happened to be closest to you in order to communicate with you. He was sitting in that dark corner over there, so you didn't notice him. When I leave, he'll go back to the way he was and won't remember me having taken over his body. Hmm. Although, I guess it wouldn't hurt to give this body a bit of a makeover while I'm borrowing it. (Flash closes his eyes and concentrates. The body of Mad Gerald transforms and becomes a very handsome, well-groomed, attractive being.) Well, Eddie? How do I look?

Edmund: Flash! It IS you! Oh, my God!

Flash: You mean, "Oh, my Guardian Angel!" Now let's have that chat.

Afterward:

Edmund is in tears.

Edmund: So my own band of men betray me to join Philip, and I get tortured, mutilated and die?! And my family? Mother? Father? Harry? Everyone in the court dies?

Flash: Yes, but that's only if you continue down the path you've chosen. You don't have to do that, Eddie.

Edmund: M-maybe everyone would be better off if I'd never been born! I've made such a mess of my life!

Flash: Oh, now don't think like that, Eddie. (pauses) Hang on. Yes, that just might work. (looks upward) What do you think, Joseph? Yes. (stands up) All right, Eddie. You've got your wish. You've never been born.

The locked door breaks open as a very powerful wind outside suddenly blows.

Flash: (shouting toward the heavens and closing the door) You don't have to make such a fuss about it!

Edmund: What do you mean, I've never been born?

Flash: Just what I said. Feel where your head was hit. It's not bleeding anymore, is it? And there's no sign of an injury there. You've got a clean slate, Eddie! No band of evil men to turn against you, no Hawk out to kill you because he's never met you.

Edmund feels his head, and sure enough there is no injury.

Flash: (smiling) Now, let's go outside and see what the world is like without you having been born in it.

The door leading outside opens and they leave the dungeon. It is beautiful outside. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and the sun is shining. They head to the castle. On their way they see a herd of grazing sheep.

Flash: Well, that is something! Edmund, look at this herd of sheep.

Edmund: What about them?

Flash: This might sound strange, but that is the happiest, most stress- free group of sheep I've ever come across. Being an angel, I can sense how they are feeling. They are completely carefree, not a worry among them. I've seen plenty of sheep in my time, and usually they are scared to death of someone coming up from behind and --

Edmund: Oh, stop it about the sheep!

They continue on to the castle. When they arrive, they see a crowd cheering. Edmund's parents, brother and Great-Uncle Richard are smiling and hugging Percy.

Edmund: I don't believe my eyes! Are they cheering for Percy?

Flash: Indeed they are. He's just been honored for saving the lives of the royal family: your parents, your brother, and your Great-Uncle Richard. Percy single-handedly defeated the Hawk, Harry's childhood rival.

Edmund: Percy? That brainless son of a prostitute? It can't be! And Uncle Richard is still alive?!

Flash: Edmund, you weren't here for Percy to choose as a friend. He and Harry eventually met and became friends. By encouraging him and setting a good example, Harry inspired Percy to become who he is now: a most beloved and respected knight famous for his bravery, fine horsemanship and superb swordmanship. And yes, your Uncle Richard is still King because you weren't there to cut off his head.

Edmund: Shhhh! Quiet about that! I can't believe it! It must be some bizarre dream I'm having.

Edmund is very surprised to see how different things are now. For example:

The peasants of the kingdom are happy and living better lives where food is plentiful, and everyone lives in perfect harmony. All the peasants are wearing decent garments instead of drab tattered rags. People greet each other with a smile and good cheer.

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant is now a mellow, soft-spoken, helpful and productive member of society. He is a toymaker and very popular among all the children, especially around Christmas.

Edmund: Do you mean to tell me that these changes I witness are the result of my having never been born?

Flash: Well, --

Edmund: No, no! Don't answer that! I need to see Baldrick! My loyal and faithful servant! Oh, why didn't I appreciate him before I dismissed him? Flash, where is Baldrick? I must speak with him.

Flash: Baldrick? Well, I'm not supposed to tell you. I don't think I should show you how he turned out. I'm afraid you won't recognize him, Edmund. You weren't here for him to serve, so his life turned out quite differently than the way you know him. Baldrick is not the person you remember.

Edmund grabs Flash by the collar and shakes him.

Edmund: (shouting) Tell me where he is!

Flash: (caving in) He's just about to close up the library!

Edmund: Library?

He turns to where Flash is pointing and sees a large building where peasants, both young and old, are leaving and carrying books they have borrowed.

Flash: The peasants here are a happy and educated group. They love coming to the public library. And there's the librarian.

Edmund sees Baldrick waving good-bye to a young peasant boy and girl as they leave, each carrying a book. Baldrick closes and locks the door from the outside and checks to make sure the library is secure. He is dressed nicely, well-groomed, and looks very scholarly.

Edmund rushes over.

Edmund: Baldrick! It's so good to see you!

Baldrick: (startled) Uh, hello. Have we met?

Edmund: I'm Edmund! Remember? We met on the eve of the Battle of Bosworth Field! I asked you to become my squire at the battle!

Baldrick: (confused) Edmund? No, I'm afraid I don't remember ever having met you. And I've never been a squire. I surely would have remembered something like that, if it did happen.

Edmund: (taking hold of Baldrick by the shoulders) Think! Think hard, Baldrick! It is I! Edmund!

Flash: (taking Edmund aside) Excuse me, Baldrick. (addressing Edmund) Edmund, now pay attention. (shouting) You were never born!!! Everything is different now!!! Do you understand???!!!

Edmund: (looking very sad) Uh, never mind, Baldrick. Sorry to have bothered you.

Baldrick: Think nothing of it. Feel free to come visit our library tomorrow. We open at ten o'clock in the morning.

Edmund and Flash leave Baldrick and go for a long walk so Edmund can mull over what he's seen.

Edmund: So I was right, Flash. Everyone IS better off if I'd never been born.

Flash: Well, it certainly appears that way, my friend, but maybe that's only on the surface. Each individual can have a powerful effect on other people's lives by even the simplest interaction. A single word spoken to someone, be it one of kindness, can turn that person around. Or be it a word of harshness, can turn that same person in a totally different direction. Then that person affects the next person he meets. And so on, and so on, and so on.

Edmund: So what happens now, Flash?

Flash: That's entirely up to you, Eddie. Stay here in a world where you start your new life with a clean slate. Or go back and pick up your old life right where I found you: in the dungeon.

Edmund: Well, that's not a difficult choice, is it?

Flash: (smiling) Only you know the answer to that.

Scene: Next day in the library before it opens. Edmund and Baldrick are there.

Baldrick: Now let me get this straight. I'm a librarian because you made a wish that you'd never been born, and your guardian angel granted your wish.

Edmund: That's right!

Baldrick: But instead of being a librarian, I'm really supposed to be your servant. And before that I was shoveling dung, a job which took me years to work up to.

Edmund: Yes, yes! Right again!

Baldrick: Very amusing. That's quite an imagination you have, Edmund. You ever consider writing stories, maybe getting published? I could always use another book here to add to the library collection.

The doors to the library burst open. Flashheart enters. He has a very stern look on his face.

Baldrick: We're not ready to open yet, sir. Please wait outside until ten o'clock.

Flash: Sorry, Baldrick, but I need to speak with Edmund. (turning to Edmund) You're not supposed to be telling anyone here about your previous life!

Edmund: You never told me that!

Flash: I didn't? Oh, right. Sorry. Ooops. I was supposed to. This is my first assignment. My goof.

Edmund: Baldrick, this is Flashheart, my guardian angel.

Baldrick: Right. Nice to meet you, sir.

Flash: Likewise. (turning to Edmund) What am I going to do with you?

Edmund: Nothing, Flash. I'll be fine here. Just go back and get those wings you want.

Flash: I can't just go back. When my job is done, then I will be summoned back. But I haven't been summoned, which means my job isn't finished. Something is still not right, and I can't leave until I set things right.

Edmund: So set it right.

Flash: I don't know how! This is my first assignment as a guardian angel, and it's not easy. There's no instruction manual I can open. Something's not right here, but I can't figure out what. I need to sit down and think this through.

He sits in a chair to think.

Baldrick: Well, as least you picked a nice quiet place to do it. But in about ten minutes we open and I expect lots of children here for Story Hour. You like kids?

Flash: Eureka! I've got it! Edmund, the whole point of my showing you what life would be like if you'd never been born was to encourage you to want to live again and change your ways! But that didn't happen. Instead, you want to stay in this world where you had never been born.

Edmund: Oh. Well, I think I like it here better, so I'm staying. Why would I want to go back to that dungeon?

Flash: Because none of this is real! This world here where Baldrick is a librarian and your Great-Uncle Richard is still king! You and I are actually still back in the dungeon! This is all a vision which looks, sounds, smells, and feels real, but isn't! Edmund, you need to want to live again, so you can wake up out of this vision and continue your life, only taking a new path, one different than the one that will lead to your death and the death of your family!

Baldrick: Wow. Edmund, your friend here has quite an imagination, too. Look, I can tell you both that I most certainly am real. I remember my life, what it was like being a young child, growing up, going to school, becoming a librarian. It's all real, despite you saying this is all some sort of vision.

Flash: To you, Baldrick, of course it's real. It's your world. But I assure you, once Edmund snaps out of this vision, you and everyone else here will cease to exist.

Baldrick: Is that so?

Flash: Yes, that is so.

Baldrick and Edmund give knowing glances to each other.

Scene: Flash is tied and gagged and stuffed in the storage room of the library.

Edmund: Sorry about this, Flash. But I find I REALLY like it here. We'll check up on you periodically to make sure you're okay.

He closes the door and locks it.

Baldrick: Wish there was some other way to do this. I really need the space in that storage room for library supplies.

Edmund: So, Baldrick. Are there any job openings for another librarian? Could you use an assistant?

Baldrick: (smiling) I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

THE END

Everybody Loves Edmund
EVERYBODY LOVES EDMUND

A Black Adder Fanfic
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Blackadder.

by Jean Akins (Jeanster)

May 30, 2002

Time and place: 15th Century England

SCENE: The castle. The royal family, with the exception of Edmund, is happily preparing to attend a birthday party being given for the Earl of Doncaster.

Queen: Edmund, you're not ready? We're leaving within the hour.

Edmund: Mother, I'd rather not go. I didn't have a good time last year we attended his birthday party, so why would I want to attend this one?

Queen: Now, Edmund, you stop this nonsense. It would be very rude not to go. How would it look if you don't attend?

Edmund: Oh, Mother.

Queen: Not another word, Edmund. Put on something nice this instant. You're going to the party, and you're going to have a good time there. Go on, now.

Edmund: (reluctantly) Oh, all right. (goes to his room to change clothes)

Queen: (turning to see Harry enter) Harry, have you decided which young lady you'll be bringing to the party?

Harry: Yes, Mother. It was a difficult choice, as they are all so very beautiful. But since I may bring only one guest, I've chosen Ursula.

Queen: That's nice. She's a lovely girl.

Harry: Yes. Uh, I don't suppose Edmund will be bringing a guest?

Queen: I don't think so. And he's very sensitive about it, so please don't say anything. I've just now finally convinced him to go. He was planning on not attending.

Harry: Hmm. You know, Mother, perhaps he could bring one of the other lovely ladies who I couldn't take. After all, what with that dangerous highwayman still roaming about, it would be much safer for her to be escorted by Edmund than going alone.

Queen: There's a thought. I'll go ask him.

SCENE: Edmund's tower room. We see the Queen and Edmund.

Edmund: Harry actually suggested I ask one of those lovely young women to go with me? And he doesn't mind?

Queen: Yes, dear. Wasn't that nice of him?

Edmund: Yes. Oh, what am I thinking? None of them would want to go with me! They all have eyes only for Harry!

Queen: Edmund, my dear. You are a Prince of the Realm. Stand tall, be proud, and know that any one of those ladies would be very lucky to be asked to be your guest at this party. Now go on out there and choose one to ask.

Edmund: (reluctantly) Oh, all right. (leaves his room to do as his mother says)

A few minutes later we hear shrieks of laughter, followed by giggling and snickering coming from the courtyard. Edmund has been turned down by the entire group of young women who have eyes only for Harry.

Edmund sadly trudges back to his tower room. Baldrick joins him.

Baldrick: M'lord, if you want to bring a guest, I'd be honored to go with you.

Edmund: It may very well come to that, Baldrick. Oh, well, go ahead and put on something nice. Hurry. We leave in just a few minutes.

The Queen has heard and seen poor Edmund being rejected by all those young women. She decides to use her witch powers to give Edmund a little help in this matter.

A few minutes later she emerges from her room carrying a small bottle of magic sparkling liquid. She is on the mezzanine level, and Edmund is standing right below waiting for Baldrick.

Queen: (speaking softly to herself) Just a few drops will pique the interest of those women so they'll want to get to know Edmund better.

She opens the bottle and is about to pour just a few drops when Percy, not looking where he's going, suddenly bumps into her and she accidentally pours the entire contents of the bottle instead of just a few drops. Edmund is hit with the liquid, but he doesn't feel a thing, as it is magic and sparkly and very light.

Queen: Oh, no!

Harry and Ursula are headed toward where Edmund is.

Ursula: Oh, Harry. I'm looking forward to this birthday party.

Harry: Yes, so am I. The Earl never fails to give a fabulous party. Last year's was most entertaining.

Edmund: (overhearing what Harry just said) Yes, if you can call four nonstop hours of Morris dancing entertaining.

Ursula: (staring at Edmund and smiling) Edmund, forgive me if this sounds forward, but have you always been this adorable?

Edmund and Harry: What?!

Ursula leaves Harry's side and takes Edmund by the arm, gazing deeply into his eyes.

Harry: Uh, Ursula? What are you doing?

Ursula: (ignoring Harry) And have your eyes always been this beautiful and expressive?

Edmund: I-I don't know what to say, Ursula. (looking nervously at Harry who is frowning at Edmund)

Harry: Ursula, are you feeling all right?

Ursula: Harry, I've changed my mind. I'd prefer Edmund escort me to the party instead of you. That is, Edmund, if you would bestow upon me the honor of being my escort. Won't you, please?

Edmund is speechless. He can't believe what is happening.

Harry: (laughing nervously) Oh, yes. Very funny, Ursula. You can stop joking with us, my dear. Now let go of Edmund's arm and let's be on our way to the party.

Ursula: Harry, please don't be so tiresome. Edmund, where have you been hiding yourself all these years? You scrumptious piece of sweetness! I cannot help myself! (throws her arms around him and plants a big wet kiss on Edmund's lips, much to Edmund's delight and Harry's bewilderment)

Harry: URSULA!

Baldrick enters dressed in nicer clothes. He is surprised to see Ursula hugging and kissing Edmund with Harry standing right there.

The Queen who has been watching all of this rushes back to her room to work on a counter-spell because she knows that a massive overdose of the magic potion will soon lead to trouble.

Baldrick runs to the courtyard where the group of young women are still gathered.

Baldrick: Come! You won't believe what's happening in here!

The group of curious young women follow Baldrick. He points in the direction of where Edmund, Ursula and Harry are standing. The women stare at the scene for just a moment, then altogether they rush over toward Edmund, calling out his name. Edmund, Ursula and Harry are surprised to see this group of women rushing over. Two of the women pry Ursula away from Edmund and push her aside so they can grab him, kiss him and fondle him. Each woman cries out his name over and over, pleading with him to please take her to the birthday party.

Edmund: (softly to himself) I'm dreaming. This is a wonderful dream, and I hope I never awaken.

Ursula: (shouting over the crowd of women) Edmund! Edmund! I'm over here!

Harry: Ursula, please stop this embarrassing behavior of yours and come with me. You're making a spectacle of yourself.

Ursula: Oh, run along, Harry. Can't you see I'm busy? Edmund! Please come away from these harpies and join me, your beloved Ursula!

Harry: Fine! Be that way! I'm going to the party without you, Ursula. When you finally come to your senses, try crawling back and see if I'll ever forgive your atrocious behavior!

Ursula: (ignoring Harry) Edmund! Edmund!

SCENE: The countryside just outside the castle. The infamous highwayman who has been attacking and robbing travelers is waiting for his next victim. He has heard of the birthday party being given for the Earl of Doncaster, and knowing how popular the Earl is, the highwayman expects the guests traveling there to be carrying very expensive and lovely gifts which he plans to take for his own.

A few miles up the road we see a large fancy horse-drawn carriage. The driver sits atop. He brings the horses to a stop.

The window of the carriage opens. We see a veiled figure poke her head slightly out the window.

Woman: James, why are we stopping?

James the Driver: Just need to give the horses a bit of rest, m'lady. We'll be moving along in a moment.

Woman: Well, please don't be too long. I don't want to be late for the birthday party.

James the Driver: We won't be long at all, m'lady. I promise. Just need to give the horses a breather.

SCENE: Back at the castle. Now the women are getting angry. Each is insisting that Edmund tell the other women that he belongs only to her. But he finds he cannot choose which he wants most of all, plus he's not willing to commit to anyone at the moment. They start grabbing whatever nearby object they can use as a weapon. They turn on Edmund, looking very menacing to him. This is what the Queen was afraid would happen. She is quickly working on a counter-spell to reverse the effects of the potion. She is almost finished.

Queen: Just a pinch of this and a pinch of that. There! Finished. The effects of the potion will stop in just a couple of minutes. I hope I'm not too late!

SCENE: The courtyard. Edmund is running for his life toward the castle exit. The women, each brandishing a make-shift weapon, are chasing him and shouting his name angrily. The women are still chasing him, but he manages to stay ahead enough so they cannot catch him. A moment later the potion's effects stop, thanks to the Queen's counter-spell. They are dazed, wondering what they are doing outside the castle and holding these objects. They slowly wander back inside asking each other what happened.

Meanwhile, Edmund, still thinking the women are chasing him, sees the horse- drawn carriage. The driver is just about to get the horses moving again, as their rest period is over. Edmund grabs the door handle and pulls on it.

James the Driver: You there! Stop or I'll run you through with my sword!

Edmund: No! You don't understand! I seek refuge from the large group of dangerous women chasing me!

James: What?

Woman in the Carriage: (opening the door of the carriage and smiling at Edmund) How do you do? I am Lady Roberta of Devonshire. And who might you be?

Edmund: Terribly sorry. Where are my manners? I am Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

Lady Roberta: I thought you looked familiar. I've seen your face on a coin. Now what's all this about a group of dangerous women chasing you?

Edmund: Please let me hide inside your carriage! They're out to kill me!

Lady Roberta: Oh, all right. Come in.

Edmund: Thank you, dear lady! (he climbs inside and closes the door)

Lady Roberta: It's all right, James. Start driving. Edmund, we're going to the Earl of Doncaster's birthday party. By any chance, are you going there, too? (she removes her veil)

Edmund: Why, yes. (he is surprised and very pleased to see how beautiful Lady Roberta is without her veil)

Lady Roberta: Then sit back and enjoy the ride. James will let us know when we arrive. Meanwhile, tell me about yourself, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh. I want to know all about you.

Edmund and Lady Roberta have a delightful ride talking the whole time and learning about each other's lives. He finds himself very attracted to this beautiful young woman who behaves graciously and warmly toward him.

Edmund: Tell, me Lady Roberta. Are you married?

Lady Roberta: No, Edmund. Are you?

Edmund: No.

Suddenly the carriage comes to an abrupt halt.

Lady Roberta: James, are we there?

James: No, m'lady. We have a problem.

The door is suddenly jerked open. It is the highwayman. He points a sword toward Lady Roberta and Edmund.

Highwayman: (to James) Don't try anything or the lady dies!

Edmund: (trying to be brave in front of Lady Roberta) You scoundrel! How dare you threaten a helpless damsel!

Highwayman: Oh, would you prefer I threaten YOU?

He points his sword very close to Edmund's neck. Edmund becomes very scared and says nothing, wishing he knew what to do.

Highwayman: I thought so. All talk and no action. You pathetic little sod! You're not worth soiling my blade!

He withdraws his sword and quickly punches Edmund in the face, knocking him unconscious. Edmund falls back inside the carriage. Lady Roberta moves quickly. She pulls a crossbow that was hidden beside her on the seat of the carriage. With perfect aim, she shoots the highwayman right in the heart. He cries out in pain and falls to the ground where he soon dies.

Lady Roberta: James, let's go! The party will be starting soon.

James: Yes, m'lady.

Lady Roberta checks on Edmund.

Lady Roberta: He's out cold, but I think he'll be all right. Poor dear.

James: M'lady, now that we've put a stop to the infamous highwayman, how much longer do we have to stay in character?

Lady Roberta: Good question, James. How about we play this out through the party?

James: (smiling) Very good, m'lady.

SCENE: The horse-drawn carriage arrives at the home of the Earl of Doncaster. All the other guests are already there. Baldrick went on ahead without Edmund.

Inside the carriage, Edmund finally awakens. His head is on Lady Roberta's lap. She is caressing his forehead.

Lady Roberta: There, there, Edmund. How are you feeling? That's going to be some nasty bruise you'll have on your face for a few days. Shall I kiss it and make it all better?

Edmund: Where am I? What happened?

Lady Roberta: That infamous highwayman hit you and knocked you unconscious. But he's no longer a threat.

Edmund: Where is he?

Lady Roberta: Back where we left him. With an arrow through his heart. He won't be bothering anyone anymore.

Edmund: (assuming her driver James killed the highwayman) Well, it's a good thing your driver was here to protect you.

Lady Roberta: (smiling) Dear James. What would I do without him? Well, Edmund, are you feeling well enough to go inside to the party? It looks like we're the last guests to arrive.

Edmund: Yes, I guess we should join the others. Oh, I don't have a present! Wait a minute. I just remembered Mother is bringing a gift. I'll just say it's from the entire family. Did you bring a gift?

Lady Roberta: Yes, I did. I had an especially good time wrapping it.

Edmund: (looking about for a giftwrapped package, but seeing none) Where is it?

Lady Roberta: Oh, look! It's the Earl. Happy Birthday, Doncaster!

The Earl of Doncaster rushes over to greet his guests.

He gives Edmund a warm handshake. Then he warmly embraces Lady Roberta and gives her a kiss.

Earl: You look ravishing, my dear!

Lady Roberta: Well, I wanted to look especially nice for your special day.

Earl: Bob, you're too much!

Edmund: (confused) Bob? Why did he call you Bob?

Earl: Edmund, you mean you don't know? This is Lord Robert of Devonshire. I call him Bob.

Edmund: (very confused and totally bewildered) What is going on here?

Lady Roberta/Lord Robert: I'm sorry about the subterfuge, Edmund, and if I misled you in anyway. I am Lord Robert of Devonshire, as the Earl said. I'm disguised like this because I was working undercover to flush out that infamous highwayman who has been terrorizing the good people traveling through the countryside. And James my driver is actually the King's Sheriff in disguise. I was asked to become his deputy and work as a decoy because of my ability to disguise myself. With my slight build and years of drama experience, it was very easy for me to play the part of Lady Roberta.

Edmund: (crestfallen as he now realizes Lady Roberta is the woman he can never have) Oh. Well, congratulations on successfully putting a stop to that highwayman.

Earl: Won't you both come inside and join the party? We're just about to cut the cake.

Lord Robert: Love to. Come on, Edmund. We can all still have a nice time here. Friends?

Edmund: (shrugging his shoulders and deciding to make the best of it) Friends.

THE END

Legsy the Orc Slayer
DISCLAIMER: I do not own 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and/or 'The Lord of the Rings'.

'LEGSY THE ORC SLAYER' [SLASH]

Chapter One

Scene: The Bronze. It is filled with the usual crowd. A beautiful blond Elf opens the door and enters. His long hair is a bit messy and there are a few smudges on his lovely face from having slain a gang of Orcs.

LEGSY (thinking to himself): I hope I'm not too late. Is he still here?

Aragorn the tall dark-haired mysterious stranger who a few days ago met Legsy for the first time is waiting for the beautiful blond Elf, the Chosen One. Suddenly a gorgeous brunette swoops over and drapes herself over Aragorn.

ARWENELIA: Hello, handsome. Buy me a drink? Or how about asking me to dance?

ARAGORN: Huh? Oh, hello. I'm waiting for someone.

ARWENELIA: You mean you WERE waiting for someone. Here I am, you lucky hunk, you!

Legsy sees Arwenelia clinging to Aragorn with her face a mere two inches from the handsome face of Aragorn. Legsy notices how sexy and alluring Arwenelia is looking this evening.

LEGSY (thinking to himself): I feel so ugly compared to her. I should just leave before Aragorn sees me.

But it is too late. Aragorn looks up and sees Legsy. He pries Arwenelia's hands off of himself and smiles apologetically to her.

ARAGORN: Legsy!

He rushes over to meet the Elf.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself): When will I work up the courage to tell him that I love him?

Chapter Two

VOICE OF GANDALF: Previously on Legsy the Org Slayer:

Scene: It is Legsy's first day at this school. He enters the school library. He sees an old man behind the counter.

LEGSY: Hello. Are you the librarian?

GANDALF: Yes, I am.

Gandalf's eyes widen when he sees Legsy.

LEGSY: I'm Legsy Greenleaf. It's my first day here, so I'm here to get the books I'll need for my classes.

GANDALF: Yes. Yes, indeed. I know exactly which book you'll need.

The librarian ducks down behind the counter, then comes back up holding a very thick ancient book. He places it on the counter. Legsy's eyes widen in horror when he reads the cover: ORCS

LEGSY: There's some mistake. That's not a book I'd need.

GANDALF: But you are the Chosen One. Legsy Greenleaf, right?

LEGSY (thinking to himself): I thought I could make a fresh start here by transferring to this school! Aagghh! Please, no more Orcs!

Jump to next scene.

Scene: School Library. Legsy, Gandalf and the rest of the 'Scooby gang' are meeting to discuss what evil they must face next.

GANDALF: According to the Wizards' Council someone is crossbreeding Orcs with Goblins to create a hybrid creature that can come out in the daylight and travel very, very quickly.

LEGSY: So much for only having to deal with fighting Orcs at night.

Jump to next scene.

Scene: Hallway in the school.

PRINCIPAL WORMTONGUE: You're trouble, Legsy Greenleaf. I can smell trouble a mile away, and I know it's only a matter of time before you'll do something that'll give me a good reason to expel you from this school.

LEGSY: I don't know what you're talking about, Principal Wormtongue. I'm just a regular student here to get an education.

PRINCIPAL WORMTONGUE: Don't put on this innocent act with me. I've got my eye on you.

Chapter Three

ARWENELIA: I wish Legsy Greenleaf had stayed in Mirkwood and had never moved here to this town!

EOWYN (who is really a vengeance demon): Done!

Everything is changed, as Arwenelia learns over the course of the day. People are wearing clothes that are drab in color, the parking lot at the high school is empty, she has no car, and there is an early curfew for everyone. What shocks her most is when she is told by one of her classmates that Frodo and Sam are 'gone'.

Now, in this world created as a result of Arwenelia's wish, Saruman has found a way to turn good innocent Hobbits into his evil minions. Arwenelia is about to meet two of them.

It is still Arwenelia's first day in this world created as a result of her wish. The sun has already set hours ago. She is terrified because earlier right after the sun had set she was chased by Orcs. She runs, then screams when she is stopped by a short figure who suddenly comes in front of her and grabs her. When she sees who it is, she stops screaming and breathes a sigh of relief.

ARWENELIA: Sam! Thank goodness! I heard you were gone!

SAMWISE: Gone? Do I look like I'm gone?

ARWENELIA: Sam, what's happened? Everything is so different! It's weird.

FRODO (slowly approaching): Oh, pooh. It's no fun when they're not screaming.

ARWENELIA (eyes wide when she sees Frodo): Frodo? Wow. That's a whole new look on you.

Frodo is no longer wearing his usual country gentleman garments. He is dressed in a sexy hot black leather jacket and black pants. His demeanor has changed, too.

Sam puts his arm around Frodo's shoulder. Frodo rests his head on Sam's shoulder.

ARWENELIA: What's this? I wish us into Bizarro-world and you two are STILL together? I can't win!

SAMWISE: You got that right.

Samwise instantly changes into a scary looking Demon-Hobbit with fangs. Arwenelia screams, turns and runs.

FRODO (smiling): Now that's more like it.

Samwise chases Arwenelia, easily catches up with her, knocks her down to the ground where she falls, hits her head on the street and is rendered unconscious. Sam is about to sink his fangs into her when suddenly a van pulls up. The doors open and out come Boromir wielding a sword and Gimli wielding an ax.

BOROMIR: Get away from her!

SAMWISE: Damn!

Samwise and Frodo scowl, turn and run away into the night.

Boromir and Gimli quickly scoop up Arwenelia and carry her into the back of the van. They get back inside and the van takes off. Gandalf is behind the steering wheel.

Scene: Gandalf's home. Arwenelia is awake and sees Gandalf.

ARWENELIA: Gandalf! Thank goodness you're here! Wait a second! If you're here, then where is Legsy? He should be here, too! He's the Slayer! And you're his Wizard!

GANDALF (stunned): How on earth do you know about that?

ARWENELIA: All right, I admit it! I made a wish! It was stupid, but at the time it didn't seem stupid! I made a wish, that new girl in school granted it somehow, and now everything is different! I wish I had never made that wish! Things were better before! Sure, it wasn't perfect, but people were happy!

GANDALF: Let's go to the school library where I can do some research on this.

Scene jumps to the school library.

Samwise and Frodo suddenly appear. Samwise pushes Gandalf into the caged room and locks the door. Then he and Frodo kill Arwenelia while Gandalf helplessly watches in horror. The two evil Demon-Hobbits snicker, toss Arwenelia's lifeless body to the floor as if it was an empty snack container, then turn and saunter out of the library.

Scene jumps back to Gandalf's home. Boromir and Gimli had found Gandalf, freed him from the caged room and helped transport the dead body of Arwenelia back to Gandalf's home.

BOROMIR: So the world today sucks because this dead chick made a stupid wish?

GANDALF: It would appear so. She said that Legsy was supposed to be here. That would be the Slayer. I'll have to make some phone calls to see about getting him here.

Scene jumps to the Bronze. It is no longer a nightclub filled with happy customers dancing and drinking. It has been taken over by Orcs and Saruman.

SARUMAN: You two are my best minions.

Samwise and Frodo smile at his approval.

FRODO: Can I play with the puppy now?

SARUMAN: Very well.

Saruman hands him a key.

FRODO: Oh, goodie!

Scene jumps to the basement of the Bronze. We see a large caged room. A silhouette of a figure lying on the floor of the cage slowly moves when he hears Frodo approaching.

FRODO: Oh, puppy! Hello, puppy! Your sweet loving Frodo is here to play with you!

We can now see who is in the cage. It is Aragorn. He is naked from the waist up, and he is chained to the wall. He is not happy to see who his visitor is.

Frodo uses the key that Saruman gave him to open the cage door. He smiles as he walks closer to Aragorn. Frodo carries something behind his back that he does not allow Aragorn to see just yet.

FRODO: We're going to have fun, aren't we, puppy?

Aragorn glares at the evil Demon-Hobbit, for he has a pretty good idea what is in store for him. Frodo now shows Aragorn what it is he was carrying behind his back.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself): NO!

Scene jumps to the dark streets where we see Gandalf's van. The Wizard, Boromir and Gimli are in the middle of rescuing some civilians from Orcs when they are jumped by more Orcs. The Wizard and his friends are about to be defeated when suddenly arrows come flying, hit the Orcs who then scream and disappear into clouds of dust. Gandalf looks up in surprise and sees a tall blond Elf.

LEGSY: You called for a Slayer?

Scene jumps to the basement of the Bronze. Legsy enters. He is searching for clues on finding Saruman and the Orcs. The Elf sees a dark silhouette lying in the large caged room.

ARAGORN: Legsy!

Legsy is surprised to hear his name called out like that.

LEGSY: Do I know you?

ARAGORN: No, but I know of you. Let me out of here, please.

LEGSY: Why should I? You must be locked up in there for a reason.

ARAGORN: It's not a good reason. Please, Legsy. I can help you find Saruman! I know where he is! Believe me, you and I are on the same side!

LEGSY: Why should I believe you?

ARAGORN: Would you believe what he did to me? Look over there! See that box?

Legsy sees a box on the floor of the cage. He reads aloud the words on the front of the box.

LEGSY: 'Bow-Wow Bitz'?

ARAGORN: Frickin' dog biscuits! Saruman let that Demon-Hobbit Frodo force-feed me dog biscuits! The whole frickin' boxful! That is one sick twisted Demon-Hobbit! You should have heard him cooing and whispering to me to be a good puppy and eat my biscuits! Gah!!!

Legsy stares at Aragorn and shakes his head in pity.

LEGSY: Dude, I gotta get you out of here.

The Elf frees Aragorn from the cage. They rush up the stairs.

LEGSY: So where is Saruman?

Chapter Four

Scene: The basement of the Bronze. Legsy has just finished freeing Aragorn and they are running up the stairs.

LEGSY: So where is Saruman?

ARAGORN: He and the Orcs are on the other side of town in a warehouse that they've turned into a factory. I heard them talking about it. Legsy, Saruman has big plans for this factory.

LEGSY: What kind of plans?

ARAGORN: The kind that will make your blood run cold just thinking about it. The people living here in town are doomed unless we stop him!

LEGSY: Details, man. Give me details.

ARAGORN: It'll be easier if I just show you. Let's go.

Scene jumps to Gandalf's home. He is peering at a beautiful necklace and comparing it to an illustration in one of his many books on ancient magic.

GANDALF (thinking to himself): It's a good thing I had the sense to take this necklace from the dead body of Arwenelia before Boromir and Gimli cremated her. This necklace may hold the key to saving all of us.

The Wizard recites a spell from the book. The necklace glows. Then from the corner of the room a figure appears as if from nowhere. It is Eowyn and her face is that of her true demon self.

EOWYN: How dare you use my necklace to summon me? Do you have any idea of the consequences of a male summoning a vengeance demon?

GANDALF: I had no choice. You're the only one who can change things back to the way it's all supposed to be. This is all your doing, isn't it?

EOWYN: Yes! I had no idea of the magnitude of the changes caused by that girl's wish. I love it! What makes you think I'm going to help you change it back?

GANDALF: You have no right to do this! I demand you reverse that wish!

EOWYN: No! And you are in no position to make demands on me! Give me back my necklace!

Scene jumps to the other side of town where the factory is. Aragorn and Legsy sneak inside. They see many innocent captives, including Gandalf's friends Boromir and Gimli who were swept up in a recent capture by the Orcs.

ARAGORN (whispering to Legsy): Legsy, if we both make it out of here alive after this is over, what say we catch a dinner and a show, and then head on over to my place? You're one hot-looking Slayer.

LEGSY (whispering back to Aragorn): In your dreams, dude.

ARAGORN (whispering to Legsy): I can't help thinking that in another time and place your answer would be more along the lines of, "I thought you'd never ask!" Or even better, "Let's skip dinner and the show and just go straight over to your place where you can shag me rotten!"

LEGSY (staring in disbelief, then whispering back to Aragorn): Are we here to stop Saruman or talk about your pervy desires for Elf muffin?

ARAGORN (whispering back to Legsy): All right, all right. But just try to keep an open mind, okay? I'm not a bad-looking dude, am I? Look at me. I'm tall, rugged, muscular, and my face is pleasing to look upon, right?

LEGSY (really annoyed now, whispering back to Aragorn): Can we table this discussion for later?

ARAGORN (whispering back to Legsy): Okay. (pauses) How much later?

LEGSY (rolling his eyes, then whispering back to Aragorn): Gah! All right, already! I'll go out with you! Now will you please work with me on a plan to stop Saruman?

ARAGORN (grinning): Yes! I knew you couldn't resist me!

Scene jumps back to Gandalf's home.

EOWYN: I said give me back my necklace!

GANDALF: Neener-neener-neener! Can't catch me!

The vengeance demon frantically chases the Wizard around the room as he taunts her and keeps the necklace out of her reach.

EOWYN: You are really pissing me off, old man! Don't make me do something you'll regret!

Scene jumps back to the factory where the presence of Aragorn and Legsy has been discovered by Saruman and his minions. All hell breaks loose as the battle ensues between good and evil.

SARUMAN: Get them! Kill them all!

We see the battle in slow motion. Innocent people scream, run and fight as best as they can against Saruman's minions. Aragorn, Legsy, Boromir and Gimli are the main warriors against Saruman and the evil Demon-Hobbits Frodo and Samwise. We see also Merry and Pippin who were turned into evil Demon-Hobbits.

BOROMIR (thinking to himself): Hard to believe those Hobbits were once our friends and that we shared many good times together. Now we may have to kill them. Can I bring myself to strike the fatal blow? Dear Merry! Dear Pippin! OUCH! That hurt! All right, take THAT, you frickin' Hobbit!

Together Boromir and Gimli grab Frodo and throw him against the wall where a large sharp piece of broken wood impales the Demon-Hobbit. Frodo turns into a cloud of dust.

Aragorn receives a fatal wound: a long wooden stake driven through his heart.

ARAGORN (gasping his final breath): LEGSY!

But the Slayer is unaware of Aragorn's demise. He is busy fighting for his own life.

Saruman pushes aside Orcs and people as he moves with determination toward the Slayer. He reaches Legsy, grabs him from behind and with one quick movement, snaps the Elf's neck, thus ending the life of the Slayer.

Scene jumps back to Gandalf's home.

EOWYN (out of breath from chasing the Wizard): You fool! What makes you think the world will be any better than the way it is now if you break my necklace?

GANDALF: Because it HAS to be!

He smashes the necklace with a heavy figurine.

EOWYN: NO!!!!

Everything changes back to the way it was right before Arwenelia made her wish.

ARWENELIA: I wish Legsy Greenleaf had stayed in Mirkwood and had never moved here to this town!

EOWYN (who is no longer a vengeance demon, but doesn't realize it yet): Done!

Nothing changes. Eowyn is puzzled.

ARWENELIA: No. I wish Legsy Greenleaf had never been born!

EOWYN: Done!

Still nothing changes.

Arwenelia walks away thinking out loud what else she'd wish for. Eowyn slowly realizes that her powers are gone and she is now an ordinary high school girl.

We see a group of happy students sitting together and laughing: Legsy, Frodo and Samwise - the best of friends.

THE END

The Rawhide Kid Meets Wrangler Jane
DISCLAIMER: I do not own F Troop and/or Johnny Bart the Rawhide Kid (although I wish I sure did, WOOF!)
*************************************

Scene: Wrangler Jane's General Store

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
How's the arm healing, Jane?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Not as fast as I'd like it to heal. Sure was nice of you two to stop by and see how I'm doing.

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
You're welcome, Jane. The Captain would have come over himself, but he's busy.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Sure he is. Or maybe Wilton thought I had brought up once too often the subject of us gettin' married one day.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Oh, please don't feel too badly, Jane. You know that if were up to me, you and the Captain would be a happily married couple by now and living in your own cozy home and starting a family.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
How long is a gal supposed to wait? I'm not getting any younger.

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
He could do far worse than you, Jane. You're the finest looking woman in these parts. Not to mention the best shooter and rider.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Thanks, Agarn. Well, I appreciate you fellas stopping by to cheer me up, but I've got work to do.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
I see you've posted that 'Help Wanted' sign out front. Has anyone come in to apply for the job?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Not yet. I'm going to need some help real soon. Can't work as well as I used to with this broken arm. And about Wilton, well, I'm going to put him out of my mind for now. Maybe I should start looking elsewhere for a fella.

CPL. RANDLOPH AGARN
You're going to have to get out more if you want to do that, Jane.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Agarn's right, Jane. You can't expect Prince Charming to just walk in through that door.

Just then the door opens and in walks a young cowboy dressed in a white hat and black/blue clothes. He is slight of build and has a boyish pretty face. He smiles, politely removes his hat and reveals a head of beautiful red hair. Then he introduces himself.

YOUNG MAN
Howdy, folks. My name is Johnny Bart. Do you sell any supplies that I can use to help my horse outside? He got injured from stepping into a gopher hole.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Oh, your poor horse! Let me go take a look. We might have some supplies to help him.

She smiles brightly at Johnny and hurries outside with him to see to his horse.

O'Rourke and Agarn look at each other.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Well, he's not Prince Charming, but I'd say he's a close runner-up.

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
Looks like the Captain might be in for some competition for Jane's affections.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
And that might not be a bad thing for Jane.

They go outside to see Jane and Johnny.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
It looks like a slight sprain. I have just what you need to help him on the road to mendin' good and proper. But you shouldn't ride him for a few days until he's completely healed.

JOHNNY BART
I was thinking the same thing. Is there some place nearby where I can stable him for a while?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
I have a barn where I keep my own horse. You can stable him there.

JOHNNY BART
Why, that's mighty generous and kind of you, Miss. I don't have much money on me now, but I did notice that 'Help Wanted' sign out front. Could I work here to pay you for allowing me to keep my horse in your barn?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Call me Jane. Folks around here call me Wrangler Jane. And if you're applying for the job, you've got it.

JOHNNY BART
That's great! Thank you, Jane.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
I'm afraid I can only pay you room and board. Is that all right?

JOHNNY BART
That'll be fine.

O'Rourke and Agarn again look at each other. They both notice how Jane and Johnny can't seem to take their eyes off of each other.

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN (whispering)
Oh, yeah. The Captain's got some competition.

Scene: Later that evening in Jane's home. She and Johnny are finishing dinner.

JOHNNY BART
Dinner was delicious. You're a great cook, Jane.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Thank you, Johnny.

JOHNNY BART
How'd your arm get broken?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
My horse got spooked by a rattlesnake and I fell off. Careless of me.

JOHNNY BART
Happens to the best of us.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
It's a beautiful night outside. Would you like to take a walk with me?

JOHNNY BART
I'd be delighted and honored to accompany you, Jane.

They step outside and enjoy looking up at the stars in the sky. Then they gaze at each other and smile, not saying anything. They are content to simply enjoy each other's company. They feel a slight breeze.

JOHNNY BART
Cold?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
No. Well, maybe just a little.

JOHNNY BART
This might help.

He steps behind her and gently wraps his arms around her. She closes her eyes, leans her head back so it rests on his shoulder and smiles, enjoying the warmth of being held closely to him.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
That feels real nice.

Suddenly a horse and its rider come trotting over. Jane can see who it is.

JOHNNY BART
Are you expecting any visitors this evening?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
No. Wilton Parmenter, what are you doing here?

Johnny starts to remove his arms from around Jane, but Jane stops him by holding onto him.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Good evening, Jane. I finished my reports, so I finally have some free time to see how you are doing.

He is unnerved and annoyed to see Jane embraced in the arms of a strange good-looking young man.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
That's nice of you, Wilton. Wilton, this is Johnny Bart. Johnny, this is Captain Wilton Parmenter of F Troop.

JOHNNY BART
How do you do?

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Fine, thank you. Are you a friend of Jane?

JOHNNY BART
Well, I reckon I must be, seeing as how's she's not objecting to me holding her like this.

Jane smiles to herself.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER (coldly)
I see. Jane, could I have a word with you privately?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Certainly, Wilton. Johnny, would you please excuse us for just a moment?

Johnny removes his arms from around Jane.

JOHNNY BART
Of course. I'll go inside and wash up. I should get ready for bed anyway, seeing as how you're going to need me bright and early tomorrow to help you in the general store. Good night, Captain Parmenter. It was a pleasure to meet you.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
'Evening, Mr. Bart.

He turns to Jane.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
He's getting ready for bed? Here? In your house? Jane, what's going on here? This is scandalous! A strange man staying overnight under the same roof as you?!

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
He's not "strange", Wilton. Johnny Bart is a fine decent man. I hired him earlier today to help me in the store in exchange for room and board. It's not any of your concern.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Not any of my concern? Is that how you think of our relationship?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
We have a relationship? I wouldn't know it from the way you keep changing the subject whenever I want to talk about marriage.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Jane, we've been over this before. I don't think it's a good idea to rush into things.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Rush into things? Wilton, we've been seeing each other for over a year now. That's plenty of time for someone to decide if marriage is down the road or not. But you act like a scared rabbit whenever I want to talk about it.

Captain Parmenter sighs.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Let's talk about this tomorrow. Will you be free for lunch then?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
I don't know. I'll see how the day goes. Things might be busy in the general store.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Busy as in with customers or busy as in with your new good-looking young hired hand?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Oh, do you think Johnny is good-looking? I really hadn't noticed.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Oh, for crying out loud! Good-night, Jane! If you want to talk about us, then come on over to my office tomorrow at noon and we'll discuss it over lunch.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Don't hold your breath waiting for me, Wilton. Good-night.

She turns and heads inside the house, closing the door behind her.

Captain Parmenter is disappointed that she did not give him a good-night kiss. He is worried about this Johnny Bart fellow showing up in Wrangler Jane's life.

Scene: The bunkhouse shared by O'Rourke and Agarn.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Agarn, have you seen Captain Parmenter?

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
He rode over to see Wrangler Jane a few minutes ago.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Really? I figured he'd be avoiding her for a least another week since he's so skittish about the marriage subject.

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
Well, maybe it might have had something to do with my casually mentioning to him that Wrangler Jane hired on a very good-looking young fella to help out in the store and that this new fella would be staying with her in her very own house.

Sgt. O'Rourke stares at Cpl. Agarn, then grins,

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Agarn, that is brilliant! I don't know why people keep saying you're so dumb!

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
Thanks, Sarge! (pauses) Who says I'm dumb?!

Scene: A week later. Wrangler Jane had not met the Captain for lunch to discuss their relationship. In fact, she hadn't seen or spoken to him since that evening when he showed up in front of her house and saw her in the arms of Johnny Bart. We now see the Captain in his office. He is reading a message he received that morning. There is a knock at the door.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Come in.

The door opens. In walk O'Rourke and Agarn.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Good morning, Captain. You sent for us?

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Yes, Sergeant. I've just received some very interesting news about that young fellow working at Wrangler Jane's general store. It turns out he's an outlaw. About two years ago a sheriff put out an arrest for Johnny Bart for shooting a man. And it gets even more interesting. Johnny Bart is none other than the Rawhide Kid!

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
The Rawhide Kid?

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
Sarge! Jane's got a celebrity working for her! (sees the stern look on Captain Parmenter's face) Well, you have to admit, the name IS legend around the West. There have been stories told about him fighting criminals and defending the weak and helpless. The Rawhide Kid is practically folklore!

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
The law is the law, gentlemen. Now that we know he's wanted, it's our duty to place him under arrest so that he can be turned over to the proper authorities.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Certainly, Captain. Uh, may I ask how you came to learn about this Johnny Bart being the Rawhide Kid and a wanted outlaw?

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
That name Johnny Bart sounded familiar to me when Jane introduced us. I know I'd heard it before, so I made some official inquiries. Now, men, let's head over to the general store and arrest that outlaw.

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
Begging the Captain's pardon, but are you sure that's the right thing to do? The stories about the Rawhide Kid say he shot that man in self-defense, and he only wounded him in the arm. He didn't kill him. And the man he shot was a cattle rustler! And the owner of the cattle even told the sheriff that the rustler was about to shoot the kid!

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
And Captain, you'd want to be sure you have the right Johnny Bart. After all, Johnny is a pretty common name. And so is Bart. Why, there could be at least a dozen Johnny Barts scattered throughout the West.

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
That's right! It'd be embarrassing to arrest the wrong one!

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER (reading from the piece of paper in his hands)
"Height 5 feet, 10 inches, weight 185 pounds, eyes blue, hair red." Sound familiar, gentlemen?

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
Well, we didn't have a tape measure with us when we met him, or a scale to weigh him, so we can't say 100% for sure that he fits the description, Captain.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
What about the red hair and blue eyes?

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
Pretty common around the West, too, sir.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
All right, that's enough stalling! Men, saddle up! We're riding over to the general store to arrest the Rawhide Kid!

O'Rourke and Agarn sadly glance at each other.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Yes, sir!

CPL. RANDOLPH AGARN
Yes, sir!

Scene: Wrangler Jane's general store. Parmenter, O'Rourke and Agarn ride up and enter.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Hello, Jane. Is Johnny Bart here? I don't see him around.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Hello, Wilton. No, I sent him on an errand over at Chief Wild Eagle's. Why do you ask?

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
Oh, no special reason. I thought maybe you fired him or maybe he quit since he's not here.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
You'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd be just tickled pink if he didn't work here anymore.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Excuse me, Jane, but are you about to start a barbecue out front? I noticed the equipment out there.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Why, yes, I am. I figured some barbecued ribs would be nice to serve to Johnny when he gets back from that errand.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
Seeing as how your arm is still not completely healed, why don't you let me and Agarn take care of getting the grill started while you and the Captain have a nice chat? It'll give you both time to catch up since it's been, what, a whole week since you two saw each other?

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
Well, all right. Thanks, O'Rourke.

O'Rourke and Agarn step outside to tend to the barbecue grill.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER (sad puppy look on his face)
Oh, Jane. I don't want us to be mad at each other. I miss you. Really, I do.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT (smiles at Parmenter)
You do? Oh, Wilton! I missed you, too!

She moves closer to him and kisses him. He puts his arms around her and they kiss for a nice long time since he doesn't have to worry about them being in front of the men.

Scene: The camp of Chief Wild Eagle and his tribe. Johnny Bart is there to pick up a shipment of handcrafted blankets.

JOHNNY BART
Chief Wild Eagle, I'm impressed. These blankets are beautiful. Wrangler Jane should have no problem selling these in her store.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE
Thank you, Johnny Bart. How do you like working for Jane? She is quite a woman, isn't she?

JOHNNY BART
She certainly is. Hard to believe some fella hasn't already married her by now. She's quite the catch. Beautiful, smart, sweet, and can ride and shoot as well as any man. Better than some, in fact. Say, what's with that Parmenter fella? I got the impression he might be sweet on her, but she won't talk about him to me, and I didn't want to pry by asking her.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE
That's a long story. When you have lots of time, sit and I'll tell you all I know about those two from what I've heard.

Suddenly Chief Wild Eagle notices something in the sky.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE
A message!

JOHNNY BART
Smoke signals! Looks like it's coming from Jane's store.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE
It's for you, Johnny Bart.

JOHNNY BART
Me?! Uh, could you translate it? My smoke signal reading skills leave a bit to be desired.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE
Of course.

The Chief translates the message to Johnny.

JOHNNY BART
Well, that's that. I'm afraid I won't able to deliver these blankets to Jane's store.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE
Tough break, Kid. Tell you what. I'll send one of my braves to make the delivery for you.

JOHNNY BART
Thanks, Chief. Well, it's a good thing Nightwind's leg healed in time for me to bring him with me. I don't think I'd be able to sneak back to Jane's barn to get him what with Captain Parmenter out looking to arrest me. Time for the Rawhide Kid to move on. Chief, it was a pleasure meeting you.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE
Mine, too. If you are ever in these parts again, don't be a stranger.

JOHNNY BART
I won't. Good-bye, Chief Wild Eagle. Say good-bye to Jane for me.

Johnny Bart a.k.a. the Rawhide Kid rides off toward the horizon.

Scene: Wrangler Jane's general store. It is well past noon. Wrangler Jane, O'Rourke, Agarn and Parmenter are having lunch: barbecued ribs.

CPT. WILTON PARMENTER
These ribs are delicious. Johnny Bart is missing out on a terrific lunch.

WRANGLER JANE ANGELICA THRIFT
I hope he's all right. It's not like him to not return from an errand on time.

SGT. MORGAN O'ROURKE
I'm sure he's fine.

Agarn smiles and nods in agreement.

Scene: Miles away we see the Rawhide Kid.

JOHNNY BART (thinking to himself)
I should thank that O'Rourke fella some day for sending me that smoke signal warning. If I ever run into him, I'll buy him a drink.

THE END

LotR, 3 Musketeers Style
DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and/or The Three Musketeers.

Legolas rides on horseback on his way to Rivendell to attend the Secret Council of Elrond. The Elf arrives at his destination, dismounts and takes in the scenery of Rivendell. He is so distracted by the beauty of it all that he accidentally collides into Aragorn.

LEGOLAS: Excuse me.

ARAGORN: How dare you? Do you think merely saying, ?Excuse me,? is sufficient? Your manners are very bad.

LEGOLAS: I hardly think you are the one to be telling me about bad manners.

ARAGORN: Fine. Let us meet at noon in the main courtyard of Rivendell and settle this matter.

LEGOLAS: See you then.

Legolas continues on his way. Ahead of him is Boromir who has also just arrived at Rivendell to attend the Secret Council of Elrond. Boromir dismounts from his horse and takes in the beauty of the scenery. Suddenly a strong wind blows Boromir?s cape which envelopes Legolas in its folds.

BOROMIR: What the --! What on earth on you doing?

LEGOLAS (still covered in the cape): Excuse, me, but your cape ?

Boromir pulls his cape off of Legolas and glares at the Elf.

BOROMIR: How dare you? I?ll teach you a lesson about treating the Son of Gondor this way! Meet me at one o?clock in the main courtyard of Rivendell!

LEGOLAS: Fine. See you then.

Legolas continues on his way. Ahead of him is Gimli the Dwarf who has just arrived at Rivendell to attend the Secret Council of Elrond. Legolas does not notice the Dwarf because he is busy thinking of his meetings at noon and one o?clock, plus Gimli is short and out of his line of vision. Legolas accidentally trips over Gimli.

GIMLI: Blasted Elf! How dare you! You need a proper lesson in showing respect for Dwarfs! Meet me at two o?clock in the main courtyard of Rivendell!

LEGOLAS: Very well. See you then.

Scene: Noon at the main courtyard of Rivendell. Legolas arrives and is surprised to see Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli standing there together.

ARAGORN: Here is the gentleman I am going to fight.

BOROMIR: What? But he?s the one I?m going to fight!

LEGOLAS: But not before one o?clock.

GIMLI: And he?s the one I?m also going to fight!

LEGOLAS: Not until two o?clock. Shall we? On guard!

Legolas draws his bow and arrow and points it at Aragorn.

ARAGORN: An arrow against my sword? Not what I had in mind, but very well.

Just then Lord Elrond appears with a group of his mightiest Elves.

ELROND: What is the meaning of all this? Stop immediately!

ARAGORN: With all due respect, Lord Elrond, this matter does not concern you.

ELROND: I beg to differ! You have all been summoned here for something much more important than whatever petty quarrels you may have between you! Now stand down and come with me immediately! All of you!

Legolas lowers his bow and arrow.

ARAGORN (half-aloud to Boromir and Gimli): Shall we defy Lord Elrond? It is five against three.

LEGOLAS: Right behind you, Lord Elrond.

The Elf turns to look at Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli. He smirks ever so slightly.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself): Blasted Elf!

BOROMIR (thinking to himself): Blasted Elf!

GIMLI (thinking to himself): Blasted Elf!

The Fellowship Bunch
DISCLAIMER: If you think I own The Lord of the Rings and/or The Brady Bunch, you're out of your loving mind.

[Sing this to the tune of The Brady Bunch]
Here's the story of Frodo Baggins,
Who with three other Hobbits left the Shire.
All of them had hairy feet, just like Frodo,
The servant one was Sam.

Here's the story of a brave strong Ranger
Who somehow ended up with many names.
Aragorn, Estel, and Strider
Just to name a few.

Well, then one night these Hobbits met this Ranger
At the Prancing Pony where they stopped to rest.
Later at the Secret Council of Elrond
They learned they'd all be going on a quest.

The Fellowship Bunch,
The Fellowship Bunch,
That's the way we became the Fellowship Bunch!

LotR sung to the theme of The Patty Duke Show
LotR sung to the theme of The Patty Duke Show

DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and/or The Patty Duke Show.


Meet Gandalf who's been most everywhere,
From the peaceful Shire to who knows where.
Then Gandalf's friend Saruman the White
Became one that he'd have to fight.
What a crazy pair!

But they're Wizards,
Strong powerful Wizards all the way.
They started out as good friends,
Now different as night and day.

Where Frodo adores the peaceful Shire,
He must cast the ring into the fire,
So Frodo travels to Mt. Doom,
While facing danger and much gloom,
What a quest so dire!

First Black Riders,
A snow storm and crows that spy the land,
Orcs, a Cave Troll and a Balrog,
And then the mighty Uruk-Hai!

You'll lose track of time,
When reading 'The Lord of the Rings'!