Crossover Fan Fiction between Horatio Hornblower and Blackadder Third Series, written by Jean Akins
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, and I do not claim that I do. This story is simply my way of honoring two of my favorite tv series: Hornblower and Blackadder.
SCENE ONE
Time and place: Late 18th century aboard His Majesty’s frigate the Indefatigable. Captain Pellew is speaking with Lieutenant Horatio Hornblower.
Pellew: Yes, I know that impressment is morally wrong, Hornblower, but we have our orders. We are in the midst of war, and we need more recruits. So go into town and bring back some seaworthy sailors. Use whatever means necessary. And take some men with you to help get the new sailors on board.
Hornblower: Aye, aye, sir.
SCENE TWO
Time and place: Later that night in Mrs. Miggins’ Pie Shoppe. We see Mrs. Miggins, Mr. Edmund Blackadder and Baldrick. Blackadder and Baldrick are dressed in sailor costumes.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I don’t know why I let you talk me into this.
Baldrick: Oh, come on, Mr. B. Didn’t you have fun here at Mrs. Miggins’ Nautical Night Theme Party? I know I did. Ahoy there, mates! Let’s hoist anchor and search for some buried treasure!
Mrs. Miggins: Hello, Mr. Blackadder. I see you two are the last ones here. Everyone else has gone home. Could it be you can’t bear to tear yourself away from me? (She bats her eyes at him.)
Blackadder: No, Mrs. Miggins. Just waiting for my stomach to settle after ingesting whatever it was you tried to pass off as food.
Mrs. Miggins: (laughing) Oh, Mr. Blackadder! If you hate my cooking so much, then it must be me that attracts you here to my shoppe! You come here almost every night. What else could it be? Why not admit you have feelings for me so we can stop holding back on doing what we really want to do with each other?
Blackadder: (grimacing) Oh, God!
The door opens. In walk Hornblower with his men Kennedy, Matthews and Styles. They look around inside the shoppe and see Blackadder and Baldrick. They smile and walk over.
Hornblower: Good evening.
Mrs. Miggins: Good evening. I’m afraid you gents are a bit late. The party is just winding down and everyone else has gone home. But there might still be refreshments left. Care for some tea, gentlemen?
Hornblower: Yes, that would be nice.
They pull up chairs and sit down near Blackadder and Baldrick while Mrs. Miggins goes to fetch some tea.
Blackadder: (looking at Hornblower dressed in his uniform) Well, look at you, young fellow, playing navy. Maybe one day when you’re all grown up, you can run away to sea and join His Majesty’s Navy for real.
Hornblower: (raising one eyebrow) Sir?
Baldrick: Where are you gents from?
Matthews: Oh, around. Not far from here.
Mrs. Miggins brings the tea. She sets it on the table.
Hornblower: (pointing toward the window) Good Lord! Look at that!
Blackadder, Baldrick and Mrs. Miggins turn to look where Hornblower is pointing. Hornblower puts knock-out drops in the tea.
Hornblower: Oh, I guess it was nothing. Thought I saw something there. My mistake. So sorry.
Hornblower and his men pretend to drink the tea. Blackadder and Baldrick do drink the tea. In a few minutes the butler and his dogsbody are asleep with their heads down on the table. Mrs. Miggins is in the kitchen tidying up.
Hornblower and his men carry Blackadder and Baldrick out the door. Mrs. Miggins turns around and sees them.
Mrs. Miggins: Leaving so soon, gents? There’s pie if you want some.
Hornblower: No, thank you. We’ll just help these tired gentlemen get home safely.
Mrs. Miggins watches them leave. She has a puzzled look on her face.
SCENE THREE
Time and place: The following morning aboard the deck of the Indefatigable. Blackadder and Baldrick are finally awakening. The knock-out drops are wearing off.
Blackadder: (looking about) Good Lord!
Baldrick: (also looking about) Mr. Blackadder, when Mrs. Miggins throws a Nautical Theme Party, she really goes all out! She even rented this huge ship! And look at all these costumed sailors and officers!
Blackadder: Uh, Baldrick. I don’t think these men are wearing costumes. And I don’t think Mrs. Miggins has anything to do with this.
Archie Kennedy: Ah, you’ve awakened. Good morning, gentlemen. Welcome aboard His Majesty’s frigate the Indefatigable. Styles, would you please go inform Lt. Hornblower that our two newest recruits are awake?
Styles nods. He goes to find Hornblower.
Blackadder: Excuse me, but did I hear you correctly? Did you refer to us as your “two newest recruits”?
Kennedy: You did hear correctly. You are now working for His Majesty’s British Navy.
Blackadder: There must be some mistake! How did we get here? The last thing I remember was being at Mrs. Miggins’ Pie Shoppe, and you gents came in, and we had some tea, and. . . oh, hang on! DID YOU DRUG THE TEA?!
Hornblower: (coming over) Yes, I’m afraid that was my doing. Lt. Hornblower, at your service. I had my orders to do whatever was necessary to bring new seaworthy sailors aboard.
Blackadder: Now wait a minute. If I understand correctly, press gangs have no right to take non-mariners for service. You’re only supposed to focus your attention on experienced seamen!
Hornblower: Yes? And your point being?
Baldrick: Well, the joke’s on you, Lieutenant! We aren’t experienced seamen! We’re not sailors at all!
Hornblower: No? Is that why you’re dressed like that?
Blackadder: Look, this is all some terrible misunderstanding. It’s actually quite funny, when you think about it. In fact, I’m sure I’ll be laughing about this years from now, after I strangle Mrs. Miggins and you, too, Baldrick for talking me into going to her stupid Nautical Night Theme Party!
Hornblower: What are you saying?
Blackadder: I’m saying that we’re NOT sailors! I am Edmund Blackadder, butler to the Prince Regent. Yes, Prince George! And this is Baldrick, my dogsbody of a servant. Prince George is going to be very upset when he hears that you’ve impressed into service his valued employees! Oh, yes, very upset indeed!
Hornblower: So you work for Prince George?
Blackadder: Isn’t what I just said?
Kennedy: What a coincidence. I used to work for the prince’s father, King George himself.
Baldrick: Really?
Kennedy: NO! Goodness, the stories we hear from new recruits trying to get out of working on board. We thought we’d heard them all. HA! Prince George’s butler! How stupid do you think we are?
Hornblower: Hmmm. Let me speak to the captain about this.
Blackadder: You do that. We’ll wait right here.
Kennedy: Horatio? You don’t believe his story about being Prince George’s butler, do you?
Hornblower: If he’s lying, then he’s lying. But if he’s telling the truth, then we’d best rectify the situation, don’t you think? I’ll go speak to Captain Pellew about this. Meanwhile, find them some work to do to keep them busy.
Kennedy: Aye, aye, sir.
SCENE FOUR
Time and place: Later that day on the frigate the Indefatigable. Baldrick has been put to work in the ship's galley to assist the cook. Blackadder has come up with a plan to convince the captain that he is indeed the butler to Prince George, in an effort to avoid being put to work doing what real sailors do on board a frigate.
Captain Pellew: You're proposing that I what?
Blackadder: Allow me to work as your butler, your gentleman's gentleman, so to speak, for a few days. Just until you receive confirmation from the Prince Regent himself that his butler, yours truly, is indeed missing, and that he needs me back. If after seeing how I work, you don't agree that I am indeed a butler, you can do whatever you wish to me and I won't protest.
Captain Pellew: That's an interesting proposition. But I really don't have any need for a butler. Never have and never will.
Blackadder: It's just for a few days, Captain. Please? I wouldn't be very good at whatever else one would do here on a ship. Why not put me to work doing what I do best? And aren't you the tiniest bit curious about what it would be like to have a butler? Someone to wait on you hand and foot and make life easier for you so you can focus your attention on being a captain?
Captain Pellew: Hmmm.
SCENE FIVE
Time and place: A week later on board the Indefatigable.
Hornblower: Sir, you're in good spirits these days.
Captain Pellew: Oh, you've noticed? It's that butler Blackadder. He's amazing! Almost as if he can anticipate my every need. He's right there to help. If I'd known having a butler would make my life so much easier, I'd have gotten one years ago! He downright spoils me! Hornblower, I can't thank you enough for bringing him aboard.
Hornblower: You're welcome, sir. I'm glad it's working out. I was afraid you'd be upset about it. After all, if he is indeed the butler to the Prince Regent, there could be repercussions about us having impressed him and his dogsbody. Have you received word yet from the Prince?
Captain Pellew: Not yet, but it takes time for messages to travel, as you know. Any day now, I expect we'll receive word.
SCENE SIX
Time and place: Two days later on deck of the Indefatigable.
Hornblower: Blackadder, so how are you doing these days working as the captain's butler?
Blackadder: Very well, thank you, sir. Oh, look. There's Baldrick. I wonder how he likes working in the galley.
Hornblower: Did you know I spent almost two years locked in a Spanish prison, Blackadder? It was a dismal place and the cells had a terrible stench. But I must say I've never smelled anything quite so powerful as Baldrick's trousers. Has he always been like this?
Blackadder: Always. Guess I've grown used to it over the years.
Baldrick: (overhearing what they said about his trousers) They can get a bit whiffy, can't they? Hello, Mr. B. Greetings, Lt. Hornblower.
Blackadder and Hornblower smile and nod hello.
Captain Pellew: Lt. Hornblower! A moment in my cabin, if you please!
Hornblower: Excuse me, gentlemen. (He follows the captain to his cabin.)
Baldrick: Do you think we'll ever get back home, Mr. B.?
Blackadder: I think so. Although, just between you and me, Baldrick, it's very refreshing being a butler to someone who's actually intelligent. Don't know if I could adjust to going back to working for Prince Thickie again.
SCENE SEVEN
Time and place:
Right after Captain Pellew has asked Hornblower to join him. They are in the captain's cabin.
Captain Pellew: Well, here it is. The message from Prince George in response to my inquiry as to the whereabouts of his butler and dogsbody.
Hornblower: Yes, sir. You haven't opened it yet, sir?
Captain Pellew: No. I'm almost afraid to do so. Oh, what am I saying? (He steels himself and opens the sealed message and reads it silently to himself. Then he sighs loudly.)
Hornblower: Good news, sir?
Captain Pellew: That depends on who the good news is for. Prince George confirms that his butler Edmund Blackadder has been missing, as has his dogsbody Baldrick. The two men had left word with him over a week ago that they were attending a "Nautical Night Theme Party" at a Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe and never returned to the Prince's home. It was a costume party where the guests dressed as sailors. Isn't that where you and your men impressed him, Hornblower?
Hornblower: Y-yes, sir. We thought they were real sailors. Their costumes were very convincing.
Captain Pellew: It's all right, Lieutenant. It's not your fault. Anyway, the Prince would greatly appreciate it if we send his butler and dogsbody safely back to him as soon as possible.
Hornblower: Very well, sir. I'll take care of that.
Captain Pellew: I'd like to have a word with them first, Hornblower. Please send them in here.
Hornblower: Yes, sir.
A few minutes later:
Blackadder: So the Prince has confirmed what we've told you about who we are? Good!
Captain Pellew: Yes. We'll send you back right away. Pity you can't stay. Blackadder, if you ever decide to stop working for the Prince, let me know. I'd welcome you back here as my butler.
Blackadder: Thank you, sir. I'll keep that in mind. Good-bye, Captain. Good- bye, Lt. Hornblower.
Baldrick: Good-bye, Captain. Good-bye, Lt. Hornblower.
Pellew and Hornblower: Good-bye.
Hornblower: I'll escort you both to the boat that will take you ashore.
SCENE EIGHT
Time and place: A few days later at the home of the Prince. Blackadder and Baldrick make it safely back from their adventure on the Indefatigable.
Prince George: Welcome back, Blackadder! And Baldrick! Good to see you both!
Blackadder: Yes, thank you. Well, the place hasn't changed much. Feels like we've been gone for ages.
Baldrick: No place like home, right, Mr. B.?
There is a loud shrill squeal of excitement. It is Mrs. Miggins rushing over to Blackadder with outstretched arms. He backs away with a look of fear in his eyes, but she embraces him and tries to kiss him.
Mrs. Miggins: Oh, Mr. Blackadder! I was afraid I'd never see you again!
Blackadder: Oh, God! Let go of me, Mrs. Miggins!
Prince George: Blackadder, is that any way to treat her? She raced over here and told me about that strange naval officer and his men who carried you out of her shoppe. She thought something wasn't quite right, so she wisely told me about it. Otherwise, I'd have never known what happened to you. And receiving that message from Captain Pellew helped clear things up. So how did you like your adventure at sea?
Blackadder: Fine, just fine. Mrs. Miggins, if it wasn't for your Nautical Night Theme Party, I wouldn't have been pressed into service in the first place! Let go of me, woman!
Mrs. Miggins: Oh, I won't give up on you, Mr. Blackadder. I know you'll be back to see me, just like you often do when you come to my Pie Shoppe almost every night. It's only a matter of time when you'll come to your senses and you'll be begging me to take you, and together we can make our own family of little Adders!
Blackadder: (stares at her for a second, then heads to the door): Come on, Baldrick. If we hurry, we might be able to catch the boat heading back to the Indefatigable!
THE END
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The graphic image of the anchor near the top of this page is compliments of J.O.D.'s Old Fashioned Black and White Clip Art Collection. Ditto for the image of the sailor at the helm in Scene Three, and for the image of the ship at the end of this story. A link to J.O.D.'s site is included on this page.
The Jeanster's Horatio Hornblower Page
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Old Fashioned Clip Art (anchor image)
Where I Got This Background Design of the Anchors