Goodbye My Friends
By Johnny B
copyright 2002

Content Warning: Heavy Angst and Main Character Death. Not your cup of tea go back please.

August 31,1979

Roy looked at the clock. "Come on, Johnny. It's not like you to be this late."

Hank Stanley walked into the day room. "Gage won't be in today."

"What's wrong Cap?" Marco Lopez asked.

"He's uh," Hank couldn't finish. He looked around the room. "Roy, my office, Pal."

Roy stood putting the paper he'd been about to read down on the table. He then followed his boss into his office.

"Roy, please, sit." Hank motioned for his paramedic to a chair.

Roy sat. "Cap, you're scaring me here."

"I'm sorry, Roy. I don't know how this happened. I found this on the desk when I came in. It's dated two days ago." Hank handed the envelope to Roy.

"Who's it from?" Roy was almost afraid of the answer. He slowly opened the envelope. "It's from Johnny?"

"Read it, Roy." Hank sat down at his desk and put his head in his hands.

Two days prior.

Johnny stood in the locker room. He looked around the room with a sad face. "I'd even like a prank from the phantom then all of them ignoring me." He said to no one in particular. He opened his locker and pulled out the small notebook he kept there. Slowly he wrote the letter. Putting it in an envelope he found in the bottom of his locker, Johnny then changed into his street clothes. "Guess this is it." He then made sure that he wasn't leaving anything other than his uniforms in the locker, he closed the door with a sense of finality.

Hank Stanley was sitting at his desk working on the never ending supply of paperwork. He heard a knock at his door and called for the person to come in. However, he didn't bother looking up from his tasks.

"Uh, Cap?" Johnny asked in a soft voice.

Getting no answer, John Gage set the envelope along with his badge and name plate down on the desk. "Won't be needin' these anymore." He then left the room and the station.

August 31st

Roy looked around the room. "Why?"

"I wish I knew. I think the note says a lot though." Hank pointed to the small piece of notebook paper.

Roy read out loud: "I hear by resign my position as Firefighter/Paramedic for the Los Angeles County Fire Department effective on this date, August 29,1979. Signed John R. Gage." He looked up at Hank. "I think we missed something, Cap."

Hank had been staring at the calendar above his desk. He cursed seeing that it was now the 31st. "Damn."

"Yeah, we forgot his birthday." Roy whispered. He crumbled up the note and threw it across the room. "That's still no reason to quit."

The two men sat there going over the past week or so in their minds.

August 2, 1979

John Gage sat on the bench in front of his locker and sighed. "Wish I knew what I'd done wrong." He spoke to himself. It seemed like anytime he walked into a room all there stopped talking or left. His partner for seven years even left. He just didn't understand it. Unless they were on a run, it was like John Gage didn't exist.

Roy was in the kitchen making lunch. He set the table for five instead of the usual six. He had just called everyone to eat when Johnny came in the room. Not seeing a place for him, he sighed and left the room. "Not hungry anyway."

Chet looked at the table. "Uh, Roy? Aren't' you forgettin' something?"

"What?" Roy looked around the table. All the food was there and all were seated, except for his partner. He shrugged. "He must have taken his plate outside. It's kinda nice out today."

All agreed. When asked later, though, no one remembered seeing Johnny come into the room and get any food.

August 8,1979

Johnny whistled as he entered the day room. "Good Morning." He called out.

No one noticed. Johnny hung his head and walked to the bunk room where he stayed unless called on a run.

August 16th

"All right everyone, pull out." Hank spoke into the handi-talkie, they'd been fighting the fire for over three hours and he still had his two paramedics searching the massive warehouse. He walked around to the tent set up for triage. There'd been a lot of injuries this fire, the victims mostly homeless people who were using the abandoned building to live in.

Roy looked around for his partner, not seeing him, he headed for the exit.

Bellingham was manning the triage area. "Hey Roy, where's Johnny?"

Roy looked around. "He's not out here?"

"Nope. Chief gave the pull out order ten minutes ago too." Bellingham stood and scanned the crowd of firefighters and looky-loos. "Don't see him."

Roy cursed as he went in search of his captain. "I swear you need a leash, Gage." He spoke to himself.

Roy told Hank about the missing man.

John turned up thirty minutes later at Rampart suffering from smoke inhalation and a sprained wrist. No one bothered to yell at him.

August 28th

Johnny sighed. "No one cares anymore." He slowly dressed not caring if he was logged in as late or not. He knew he wouldn't be given an assignment as Hank had stopped giving them to him four shifts ago. He stood and walked out to the kitchen. He would see if he could make himself visible this one last time then he was going to go through with the plan.

Johnny walked into the kitchen/day room. He noticed that no one was there. Pouring a cup of coffee, he walked out back and sat on the wall. He heard Cap call for roll and he stayed right where he was. No one noticed him anymore.

Johnny went about his job, performing as always. Efficient as always. On the runs, he drove the squad in and waited out side for Roy to come out of Rampart. He'd gone in up until five shifts ago.

August 13th

Rampart Hospital 13:25

Johnny stood at the nurses station watching all around him. He seen Roy go into the treatment room with the victim fifteen minutes prior. He never saw Roy come out. Sighing, he watched as Kel Brackett, Joe Early, and Dixie McCall all walked down the hall towards the base station and where Johnny was standing.

"How is he?" Johnny asked.

No one answered.

Roy walked out of the men's room looking around. Johnny watched as he shrugged his shoulders and headed for the exit. Johnny had to practically run to keep up. He then slid into the passenger seat and hung his helmet on the hook behind his head.

"So, got any plans for tomorrow?" Johnny asked his friend.

Roy didn't answer.

Johnny saw the pattern and sighed. "Wish I knew what God I pissed off."

August 28th

Johnny sat in front of his locker. "Not even a visit from the Phantom for over a month. Wish I knew what I did wrong so I could right it."

Mike Stoker walked into the room. He stood in front of the sinks washing his hands. He looked in the mirror and saw Johnny as if for the first time that day. "Hey." He said softly.

Johnny gave Mike a small smile. "Hey."

Mike then left after drying his hands.

"Not even the quiet ones want to be around you, Gage." Johnny pulled his notebook out and wrote something in it. "They probably won't even find the note."

August 31st

Hank followed Roy into the day room. "Everybody, we're going to be getting a replacement paramedic today."

Chet Kelly looked at his boss. "What happened to Gage?"

"He quit." Hank sat down after pouring a cup of coffee for him and Roy.

Roy picked up the paper and opened it to the last page of the Local section. He scanned the page as he did everyday. He sighed. Then turning to the first page, he stopped.

"Los Angeles County Firefighter/Paramedic found dead in his apartment" the headline read. Roy gasped.

"What is it, Roy?" Marco asked.

"Johnny's dead." Was all he could say.

"WHAT?!" Roy was bombarded with a chorus of 'what's'

Roy began reading: "Los Angeles County Paramedic John R. Gage,30, was found dead of an apparent self inflicted gun shot wound by his landlady yesterday morning. Coroner John Roberts puts the time of death as early morning on the 29th. A note was found in the apartment. No one has claimed the body as of this morning. If anyone knows how to contact the next of kin, please call the Carson Police Department, the L.A. Sheriff's Department, the Fire Department or the L.A. Times." Roy looked up. "What happened?"

The phone rang just then.

"Station 51, Firefighter Lopez speaking." Marco had answered the phone.

"Is Roy DeSoto there?" Dixie McCall asked. She sounded quite upset.

"Just one moment." Marco handed Roy the phone. "It's Dix."

"Hello?" Roy was still in shock.

"Oh, Roy." Dix then started crying. "Why did he do it?"

"I don't know, Dix. I plan to find out though. I'm going to the police department to see if I can read the note. There's got to be a logical explanation." Roy was having a hard time keeping his emotions in check. He disconnected from Dix then called home.

"Hello?" Joanne DeSoto answered. She had just sat down to read the paper before starting on the housework.

"Hi, Jo." Roy spoke softly.

"What's wrong, Roy?" Jo got upset.

"Jo, honey, Johnny's dead." He said with a sense of finality.

"Oh my God. What happened?" Jo looked at the clock and saw that it was just now 8:30.

"He, uh. Oh, Jo." Roy couldn't continue.

Hank took the phone from the distraught paramedic. "Jo? I'm sending Roy home. I'll call a cab, I don't think he should drive." Hank then hung up. "Come on Pal. Marco, call a cab okay?"

Marco went to do that when the Chief came in. "Hank." He took in the sad faces and the distraught man. "I'm sorry no one called earlier. Apparently, the police told everyone to sit on the story until next of kin could be notified."

"He didn't have anyone. All his family is dead." Roy managed to get out.

"We know. I'm sorry no one called you, Roy. We tried when we were first notified on the 29th but no one answered." Chief Daniels sighed.

"We were out of town until last night." Roy said. He then left the room. "I gotta go home." They heard him say.

"Hank, I'll take Roy home." The Chief offered.

"Thanks, Chief. I'll call in for a replacement." Hank left to do that.

The Chief took Roy home. "I have an appointment with Detective Straum at two-thirty this afternoon. Would you like me to pick you up?"

"Please. I have to know." Roy said. He tried to paste a plain mask on his face. He failed.

Daniels pulled up in front of Roy's home. "Here you go. See you at two." He then left the distraught man on the front porch.

Jo pulled open the door and fell into her husbands arms.

"Jo." Roy gasped. He walked into the house.

"I read the paper. Oh, why did he do it?" Jo cried. She was not looking forward to telling the children.

"Jo, we missed his birthday." Roy paced the living room. "It was during our shift. We forgot. I can't believe we forgot his birthday. It was his 30th birthday and we forgot." Roy was getting more and more upset.

Jo went into the kitchen and called Rampart. Twenty minutes later Kel Brackett and Dixie McCall showed up.

"Roy?" Kel spoke softly. They had all learned the news that morning and were all upset.

"Why, Kel?" Roy sat on the couch and finally gave into the tears of grief. "Why?"

Kel gave Roy a sedative and they all sat in the living room talking quietly. Jo made coffee and then sat and watched as Kel, Dix and Roy talked until Roy feel into an emotionally exhausted sleep.

August 31st
2:45 p.m. Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department
Detective Division

"Chief Daniels," Detective Straum shook the Chief's hand. "Have a seat."

"Thank you, this is Roy DeSoto, John Gage's partner and friend." Daniels introduced the man.

"Mr. DeSoto." Straum shook Roy's hand. "I'm sorry about your loss."

"Thank you." Roy looked the man right in the eye. "I'd like to see the note, if I may."

"Sure, although it's not really a note." Straum pulled the small notebook out of his desk drawer. It was in a plastic bag. "It's a diary."

"Thanks." Roy took the notebook out of the bag and started thumbing through it.

8/2 Was ignored by the Phantom for the third shift in a row. Roy isn't talking to me except when we're out on a run. Wish I knew what I did.

8/5 Cap didn't even notice that I was ten minutes late today. I had a flat on the way to work and almost broke my hand getting the damn lug nuts off. Again, no Phantom and Roy's still not talking to me.

8/8 Entered the day room.....no one noticed.

8/13 Didn't eat again this shift. No one sets a place for me anymore. I can't take this anymore.....I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

Roy skipped ahead until he got to August 28th

8/28 My 30th Birthday. I don't want to live anymore. I no longer have friends, or enemies for that fact. I pissed them off and I don't know how to fix it. I think I'm going to quit tomorrow. Cap probably won't even notice. Hell, he didn't even get mad at me the other shift when I went missing at that fire. I had to find my own way to the hospital and back to the station. No one noticed I was gone.

Roy stopped reading. "How did this happen?"

"Roy?" Daniels looked at the paramedic.

"We ignored him. We didn't notice he wasn't at the table during meals, we didn't notice he wasn't in the line up during roll. Hell, I didn't even go look for him at that fire when he didn't come out of the building." Roy sighed. "We killed him."

"Now, just a minute, DeSoto. You did no such thing. Gage took his own life." Daniels looked to Straum for confirmation.

Straum shook his head. "He's right, Roy. Gage put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. No one told him to or made him do it."

"I have to go home. Can I have this?" Roy held the notebook in his hands.

"I guess so. He has no listed next of kin, is that correct?" Straum looked at the two men.

"I used to be listed, I guess not anymore." Roy stood.

"Just one more thing." Straum pulled a large manila envelope out of the desk. "These were found on the body."

Roy took the envelope and held it close to his chest. "Thanks. Chief, can we go now?"

Chief Daniels drove Roy home then left for his office. He had a funeral to plan.

"Roy?" Jo asked seeing her husband holding the envelope.

"He killed himself because we ignored him. For the past 3 months, Jo, we ignored Johnny. We drove him out of our lives and out of his." Roy sat on his recliner and cried.

Jo went to get the children from the neighbors house. She brought them in and sat them down. "Kids, we have some bad news."

Twelve year old Christopher took in the sight. He knew his father had gone to work that morning. "What's wrong, Mom?"

Ten Year old Jennifer looked from her mother to her father. "Daddy?"

"Jenny, Chris." Jo started. "Uncle Johnny died two days ago."

"NO!" Jenny cried. "NO! He's supposed to come over for Labor Day."

"Jenny, honey, he's dead. He won't be coming over." Jo took her daughter into her arms. "Shhh, baby. It's all right."

"How?" Chris asked.

They had decided a long time ago not to keep anything from the children.

"Chris, Jen, listen closely." Roy made sure he had both their attentions. "Uncle Johnny killed himself. He committed suicide."

"Why?" Chris tried to hold back the tears.

"We sort of ignored Uncle Johnny lately. We've been so busy this summer what with you kids going to camp and Mom and I taking that vacation." Roy tried to explain. "Chris, would you like to come with me when I go to his apartment in the morning?"

"Yes, Sir." Chris nodded. He saw the envelope. "What's in there?"

"I don't know." Roy unclasped the envelope and dumped the contents onto the coffee table. He looked at what was there.

"His wallet." He opened it and saw all the pictures. "He sure did love us."

He picked up the keys and held them in his hand. "He loved his Rover. I kept trying to get him to sell it and get a more practical vehicle, but he wouldn't. I miss him so much."

"It's going to be all right, Roy." Jo held her daughter and son while Roy sat in his chair crying. The grief was so thick in the house.

September 3,1979

Headline in the Early Edition of the Los Angeles Times.

Los Angeles County Firefighter/Paramedic John R. Gage laid to rest today at the Rosemount Cemetery. Gage, 30, died from a self inflicted gunshot wound on August 29th. He is survived by his shift mates at County Station 51, Captain Hank Stanley, Engineer Specialist Michael Stoker, Firefighter Marco Lopez, Firefighter Chester B. Kelly and Paramedic Roy DeSoto. He is also survived by the DeSoto family, Joanne, Christopher and Jennifer. Donations are being taken by the Indian Counsel of Greater Los Angeles and the Fireman's Funds. Services were held at St. James Presbyterian Church in Carson. Gage was a highly decorated Firefighter before becoming a Paramedic where he excelled at the job. He had saved many lives over the past seven years as a paramedic. Services were attended by County, City firefighters as well as local Sheriffs and C.H.P. officers. The trip to the cemetery was accomplished using Station 51's Engine, which carried the casket and was preceded by the Squad. They were joined by Engines and trucks from stations all over the state and some from other states as well. Although Gage died not at the job he loved, he was still buried with full honors.

Roy DeSoto never forgave himself for the way he'd treated his best friend that last summer of his life. He lived with the guilt for the rest of his life.

Marco Lopez left the fire department three months after Johnny's suicide. He couldn't handle the guilt.

Hank Stanley left Los Angeles County and went to work at a small fire station on the reservation Johnny grew up on. He spent the rest of his career helping those on the reservation. He too never forgave himself for the way he'd treated one under his command.

Chester B. Kelly finally passed the Engineers exam after putting the Phantom in permanent retirement. He no longer had the heart to play pranks on anybody.

Mike Stoker became a Captain and retired from the Department after suffering a minor heart attack in the early 1990's.

Christopher DeSoto followed in his father and Uncle Johnny's footsteps and became a paramedic.

Jennifer DeSoto went on to become a Psychiatrist and therapist for the Fire Department. Her specialty, Depression.

John Gage took his life on that sunny day in 1979 because his friends forgot he was there.

the end.

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