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Once Upon a Lifetime – By Kazza Part 52
“Ok,
I’m gonna find out what’s going on.”
Max announced, getting up. He
felt like he’d been in the room for an age, and all he could think about was
Liz. He was getting very restless, and for his own sanity he had
to know what was going on. Just
as Max stood up to walk out the room, the door swung opened.
Jumping to her feet also, Maria urged the doctor for news. “Please,
sit down and I’ll tell you what happened.”
The doctor insisted. “Miss
Parker will be fine after some rest.” The
doctor replied, watching relief spread over Max’s face. “Thank
god ………….!” Max
exclaimed, as Maria also breathed a huge sigh of relief. “What
happened to her? Why did she
collapse?” Max added, needing
answers. “May
I ask what relation you are to Miss Parker?”
The doctor queried. “And
you?” The doctor asked, throwing
his question to Maria. “I’m
her friend.” “What? No!” Maria
yelled. All
the mystery was beginning to get the better of him, his normally cool exterior
failing slight, he had to know what was wrong, and why Liz had collapsed. “Ok,
if you’re sure ……. I’m afraid Miss Parker suffered a miscarriage.”
The doctor said solemnly. Out
of everything circling his mind that could be wrong with Liz, a miscarriage
hadn’t even figured. Yes they
were regularly sleeping together, but they’d been really careful, hadn’t
they? Despite the doctor’s words,
Max couldn’t get his head around the fact Liz had been pregnant. “As
far as I can determine, Miss Parker was approximately 2 months pregnant.”
The doctor pressed on. “What?
………… Oh my god!” Max
cried softly as the full enormity of what the doctor said hit him hard.
Liz had been carrying his child for two months and he hadn’t known or
even suspected it. “I’m
sorry Mr Evans, I know how hard this must be for you.”
“I
……… I don’t …….. believe it.”
Max stammered, tears welling in his eyes. “I
know it’s a tough thing to face, I’m sorry I had to break the news to you
…” “But
…….. but I didn’t ………
even know she was ……… pregnant.” Max
countered. “I’m
sorry.” The doctor reiterated,
seeing how the news had hit the young man hard. “Can
……. Can I see her?” Max asked
tentatively, blinking away tears. “Of
course. I’ll send a nurse to
collect you in a few minutes.” “Oh
god Max!” Maria cried out, once
the door to their room was closed. “I
know.” He replied, choking on tears stuck in his throat.
Putting her arms around his neck, Maria tried to comfort Max as best she
could. It was obvious he was
completely stunned by the doctor’s news. Inside
he was in total shock. The words
were flying around his head, but somehow just wouldn’t sink in.
Liz had been pregnant! Over
and over, as he fought back the tears threatening to fall, he kept thinking the
same thing. “Why didn’t she
tell me?” He couldn’t
understand it; they’d never really had secrets before.
Liz knew his feelings on children, he thought, but then realised perhaps
she’d been scared to tell him. Perhaps
knowing he wanted a child had driven her away from him, made her not tell him. The
nurse opening the door brought Max out of his trance.
Standing up, and helping Maria, they followed the nurse towards Liz’s
private room. Reaching the door,
Maria knew that no matter how much she needed to see her friend, Liz and Max
needed private time alone. It was
going to be hard enough for them as it was, they didn’t need her in the way,
like a spare part, as well. “I’ll
stay here …….. give Liz my love.” Maria
said. “Don’t
you want to see her?” “Ok,
if you’re sure.” Max replied,
as Maria nodded confirmation. Putting
his hand on the doorknob, Max paused for a moment before turning it.
He was afraid, he couldn’t deny it, and he didn’t know what state Liz
was going to be in. The
room was quite dark as he stepped inside. There
was hardly anything in the room, except for the bed in which Liz was curled up.
Her back was to the door and he could tell from her body language she was
extremely upset. As he slowly approached her, Max could see her small body
shake as a sob surged through it. Reaching
the other side of the bed, Max sat down in the seat next to it and finally
looked at his girlfriend for the first time since the doctor’s terrible news. Liz
looked awful, nothing could deny that. Her
face was very pale and gaunt looking, but it was her eyes that cut Max to the
core. They were lifeless, full of
sadness and despair, filled with more grief than Max had ever seen before.
It
was almost as if the shell of her body was in the room, but her soul and will to
live had died with their unborn child. His
heart broke as he tried to think of a way to console his girlfriend. No words omitted from his mouth would help fend the flames of
pain consuming her body. “Oh
Liz!” He cried softly, placing his forehead on her cheek.
He
shed his first tears at that moment; tears that threatened to consume his whole
being. Liz too found her eyes
weeping once more, but she was numb, she couldn’t feel the wetness through the
pain of grief drowning her. She
couldn’t shed the feeling of guilt, believing there was something she could
have done for the baby, somehow stopped the miscarriage.
“I’m
sorry.” She croaked, her voice
volume barely louder than a whisper. “Sorry? For what?” He
enquired, lifting his head so he could look at her. “For
not being able to stop the ……………. the miscarriage.”
She replied, tears streaming down her face.
“Oh
Liz!” Max cried once more, his heart breaking at the pain and
sorrow she was experiencing. “There
was nothing you could have done Liz, nothing.”
He insisted. “Then
why do I feel so guilty? Why do I
feel like it was my fault?” She
sobbed. “It
wasn’t your fault Liz, please believe me.”
Max replied, needing to make them both feel better. Inside
though, one thought was constantly gnawing away at his insides …….. why
hadn’t Liz told him about the baby …… why had she kept such a wonderful
secret to herself? Although
he wasn’t certain it was the right time or place, Max knew he wouldn’t be
able to grieve until he knew the answer to his question.
Taking a deep breath, he thought for a moment as to how to pose it. “Why
……….. why didn’t you tell me ……………. that you were pregnant?”
He asked her calmly. “I
didn’t know Max, please believe me ……… I really didn’t.
There’s no way I would have kept it from you had I of known.”
Liz replied. “How
……….. how did you not know? Weren’t
there any signs?” Max asked
softly, not wanting to accuse her of hiding it from him.
It
wasn’t that he didn’t believe Liz; it was just that he found it hard to
comprehend that Liz had been two months pregnant but hadn’t known.
Women had symptoms right? Mother’s
intuition that sort of thing, surely they could tell? “Yes
there were signs, but I just ignored them.
I was sick, but I thought that it was just a flu bug, and then there was
the business with Tess and I thought I was just sick with worry.
I guess ……….. I guess I just didn’t want to see the signs.
I’m so sorry Max.” Liz
wept. “It’s
ok baby, it’s ok.” Max replied,
pulling her into his arms and feeling better that Liz hadn’t kept it from him. “We’ll get through this Liz, together we’ll be
stronger.” He added, trying not
to allow his emotions to take over. Inside
he knew he had to be strong for Liz, he had to give her the strength to pull
through the terrible ordeal. As
they clung to each other, they both silently grieved for the child that was no
more. Their ‘perfect’ world had been crushed so easily, a
simple act of nature shattering their peaceful existence.
At that moment it felt like the whole world was against them, like they
were the only ones to have gone through such a traumatic experience.
Consumed
by heartache and anguish, Liz sobbed as Max held her tightly, trying to give her
the strength to carry on. Stroking
her soft hair, Max struggled to think of a way to make their situation better.
Somehow he knew there wasn’t going to be some easy fix this time, no
words would quell the pain. It
would take them a while to come to terms with the enormity of what had happened
that day. Their
moment of sorrow was short-lived, as the doctor returned to check on Liz. Watching from the window, Doctor Morgan couldn’t help but
feel desperately sorry for the young couple.
It was obvious they were very much in love, he could see it, and it was
such a terrible thing to have to go through.
He’d
seen it many times before, but it never made it any easier.
In a world in which man could fly to the moon, he struggled to reason why
human nature could shatter someone so easily.
A miscarriage was still so much of a mystery, something no doctor could
prevent if that was what was meant to be. Fate
wasn’t something Doctor Morgan believed in, he was used to cheating fate, but
this was one of those times he was completely helpless.
No medicine or drugs in the world could have prevented the loss of her
child. “I’m
sorry to disturb you, I know you must be very upset, but I’m afraid we still
need to check you over Liz.” He
said softly. She’d been through
so much, her grief etched so visibly across her face, yet he still had to follow
procedure, had to make sure she was ok. “What
are you going to do?” Max
enquired, reluctant to let her go. “We
need to do a D&C. It isn’t
pleasant for Liz I’m afraid; we have to make sure there is nothing left inside
her womb to complicate things. But
it is important Mr Evans, something that has to be done.”
Doctor Morgan replied. Turning
back to Liz, Max saw the flash of terror in her eyes, her vulnerability so
blatantly obvious. Not for the
first time that day, Max wished there was something he could do, some way to
trade places and not make Liz go through yet more pain and indignity.
Yet he also knew there was nothing he could do except be there for her.
There was no question of not allowing the doctor to do the D&C,
Liz’s life was too important to risk. “It’ll
be ok.” He whispered once more,
praying the quavering in his voice didn’t give him away.
“I love you.” He added,
before two nurses came in to take Liz down to another room. Something
told Max, as he watched Liz being wheeled away, that he really didn’t want to
know what the D&C entailed. He
could roughly guess and that was bad enough for him.
He couldn’t help but feel guilty at what Liz was going through.
It was she who had gone through the trauma of loosing the baby, Liz who
had to go through the D&C, and all Max had to do was wait.
It just didn’t seem fair that Liz had to bare the brunt of everything
on her own, he thought as Maria walked tentatively into the room. “How
is she?” Maria asked. “How
do you think? She’s just lost our
baby!” Max snapped back without
thinking. “Oh god Maria I’m
sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” He
added, feeling instantly guilty. “It’s
ok Max, I totally understand. You
and Liz are going through a rough thing right now, you’re entitled to snap.”
Maria replied. “Thanks,
but what has happened doesn’t give me the right to take it out on you.” Max replied solemnly. “I
can’t even begin to imagine how Liz is feeling right now, god this is so
awful.” Maria said. “Yeah,
awful is a good way to describe it. I
just wish she was here and I could make it better some how.
I feel so useless.” He
admitted. “You’re
not useless Max, just being with her will make Liz feel better.
This is a dreadful ordeal you’re having to face, and you’ll only make
it if you stick together. Don’t
make it all Liz’s heartache to go through though Max, it was your child too.
Ok so Liz is the one who physically lost the baby, but you have to admit
that you lost a child too. Let
yourself grieve as well, don’t bottle it all up ……. don’t be the martyr
you always are.” Maria warned him. Max
wasn’t sure how to react to Maria’s words; she had just said things he
didn’t want to face. He wasn’t
ready to acknowledge he had lost a child too.
He wasn’t willing to admit he needed to grieve.
Grieving
meant showing a weakness, and that wasn’t one of Max’s strong points.
He was too used to holding up a steely front and being strong for people
around him. Collapsing into a heap
and crying his heart out wasn’t his style, however much he needed to do it.
Pushing her words to the back of his mind, Max concentrated on Liz
instead, and what she was going through at that moment.
Her pain was much worse than his, he thought to himself. While
waiting for Liz to be brought back, Max decided to call his parents and let them
know what was going on. From the
moment she heard his voice, Diane Evans knew something was seriously wrong.
Max struggled with the words on how to tell his mother why Liz was in the
hospital. Somehow, to Max, finally
saying the words that Liz had lost their child, made it all suddenly very real.
Tears stung his eyes once more as Diane tried to console him on the
phone. Her heart broke at the pain
and despair all too evident in her son’s voice. “Oh
god Max, I’m so sorry. We’ll
come down straight away.” She
cried. “No
mum ……. thanks but no.” Max
said, taking a deep breath in an attempt to control his emotions.
Although she was his mother, Max didn’t want Diane to see him in such a
bad state. Nobody
had seen him cry in a very long time, and he wasn’t about to start now.
He was a man, and real men didn’t air their emotions in public ……..
or at least that was what Max believed. “But
……..?” Diane started. “Please,
I know you want to be here for us, but I really don’t think Liz is up to
visitors. She’s in a really bad
way right now.” He replied,
“And so am I.” He wanted
to add, but somehow the words just wouldn’t come out.
He just couldn’t admit to his mother how much he desperately needed her
to hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok. “We
want to be here for you Max.” Diane
reiterated. “And I know what
you’re going through.” She
added softly. “I
don’t understand?” “Let
me come to the hospital ….. just me ….. and I’ll explain.
Please?” “Ok.” He relented, sensing his mother had the need to tell him
something. Stepping
out of the elevator, Diane took a deep breath before walking down the corridor. She was about to tell Max a secret she and Philip had carried
around for so many years. Although
she’d finally come to terms with it, the pain was still there it had only
dulled over time. She had two
beautiful children who she loved dearly, but still she felt an aching
occasionally as she thought about what could have been. “Max.” She said softly, seeing her son and Maria still outside
Liz’s empty room. “Hi.” Max replied wearily. “I
should go now. Liz isn’t up to
visitors. Tell her I’ll come back
tomorrow, and give her my love.” Maria
said, sensing that Max and his mother needed some time alone. “Thanks
Maria, for being here for Liz ……. and for being here for me.”
Max replied, hugging his friend before she walked away. “How
are you doing Max?” Diane asked,
turning her son’s attention away from Maria and back to them. “I
don’t know.” He replied
honestly. “Empty? Scared? Numb?”
She probed. “All
of the above?” He shot back
forlornly. “I
thought so.” “What
aren’t you telling me mum? You
said on the phone you know what I’m going through …….. how?” “Because
I’ve been where Liz is.” Diane
replied simply. “I
don’t understand.” “Ok
…….. what I’m going to tell you Max is something that only your father and
I know and talk about, even Isabelle doesn’t know yet.”
Diane informed him “Ok.” “27
years ago I had a miscarriage just like Liz.
I was a little over three months pregnant with our first child.
Your father and I were so happy, our lives were complete.
But it wasn’t to be, I lost the child.”
Diane said solemnly. “Why
didn’t you tell us before now?” Max
queried. “I
don’t know. Two years later you
and Isabelle came along and the pain of loosing our first child dulled. Your father and I just threw ourselves into loving you and
your sister, I guess in some way trying to compensate the guilt of loosing our
first child. We didn’t want to
tell you because ……. because it was too painful.
It’s something even your father and I rarely talk about.” “Wow,
I can’t believe we didn’t know, I’m really sorry mum.” “And
I’m so sorry you and Liz are having to go through this terrible situation Max. I know it’s hard but you mustn’t blame yourselves.
There is nothing you could have done to prevent it.” “I
feel so useless.” He admitted. “I
know, but Liz will need you Max. The
only way she will get through this is with your love and help.
You both have a lot to deal with, but together you can make your
relationship stronger.” Blinking
away tears once more, Max found it hard to comprehend what his mother was
saying. In his mind he kept
remembering how Liz had looked before the nurse had taken her away, the hollow,
empty look in her face. Inside
he began to wonder how such an ordeal would bring them together, since at that
moment Max felt a million miles away from Liz.
He couldn’t help but be afraid that Liz would shut him out.
In his heart he knew the second major hurdle in their relationship had been reached, and he wasn’t sure if they would be strong enough to overcome it.
TBC
.......................?
Part 53
As
she was wheeled back down the corridor, Max jumped to his feet.
Following the nurses into the room, he waited until Liz was comfortable
in bed before stepping closer. “Hi.” He said tentatively, watching the now familiar gaunt and hollow look return to her face. “Hi.” She responded quietly. “Liz, I’m so sorry.” Diane added softly. “Thanks.” Liz replied, her voice showing no feeling at all. Staring into space, Liz couldn’t help but wish Max and his mother would leave her be. She needed time and space on her own. She needed to come to terms with what had happened, and more importantly to cope with the immense grief she was now carrying around. No matter what her mind told her heart, she couldn’t help but lay all the blame on herself. She wished she’d taken notice of the symptoms, looked after herself when she’d been sick; perhaps then her baby would still be alive. Liz was also fighting another form of guilt; guilt that a small part of her was secretly happy the baby was no more. Because Liz could only admit to herself she was nowhere near ready for motherhood, just the mere thought of it scared her. Sometimes, when she thought about it, she wondered if she’d ever be ready to be a mother. The scars of her own childhood ran very deep in her veins, and each time she thought of her own child, she thought about her mother and how bad she’d been. The pain of being rejected, constantly put down and unloved was too great still, and Liz feared she would turn out the same way. She was nothing like her mother, but the fear of not being able to love her child ran deep inside Liz. There was no way she could put her own child through such a cruel childhood. It was something Liz didn’t think she would ever be able to talk to Max about; somehow unless you’d been there the full impact of her parents’ attacks were ineffective. Max had lived the perfect childhood, the complete opposite to Liz, and she was afraid he’d just brush it off and tell her she’d make the perfect mother despite her fears.
“I know you all mean well being here, but I could use some sleep now.” Liz said quietly. “Ok, well I’ll just stay here until you doze off.” Max replied, not wanting to leave just yet. He needed to be close to her for a while longer, needed to know she was ok. “I’m ok Max.” Liz replied, “I know, I just want to stay with you a while longer.” “Please Max! Just give me some space.” She replied, snapping more than she meant to. “Oh ………. erm …….” Max stumbled, shocked by her outburst. “Come on Max, we’ll leave Liz till tomorrow. Bye sweetie.” Diane replied, knowing only too well how Liz was feeling at that moment. “Ok, I’ll leave you then. But …….. but I’ll leave my cell phone here for you. I’m gonna stay at my parents house tonight, the number is in the phone. Call me Liz, if you need anything …… no matter what the time is.” Max urged her, before kissing her forehead. Turing to take one more look at his girlfriend, Max was lead out of the room by Diane. A dark blanket of silence in the room seemed to descend as soon as they had left, leaving Liz feeling very alone. She’d thought that being in the room without Max would help, but it seemed more like torture and he’d only been gone for a few minutes. Allowing the tears to gently fall once more, Liz took in the pain and allowed it to seep deep into her veins, believing it was her punishment for killing her child. As they rode back to his parents’ house, Diane couldn’t help but worry about her son. Max was extremely quiet, just staring vacantly out the window. He had shown little emotion at the loss of his child, although she was sure there were tears welling in his eyes. He was hurting, she could tell that, and Diane wished there was something she could do to take away the pain. He was 25 years old, but Max was still her son, he still needed her to make him feel better. When they arrived home, Max was greeted by Isabelle. “Oh god Max, I’ve just heard about Liz ……… I’m so sorry.” She said sincerely, embracing her brother in a tight hug. “Thanks Is.” Max replied numbly. “How’s
Liz?” “She
must be going through hell right now.” Isabelle
reasoned. “Ok Is, give your brother some space, we need to talk too.” Diane said, allowing her grateful son to escape from his sister’s unintentional interrogation. Diane knew she had to relive her worst nightmare just one more time that day, she had to tell Isabelle about her own miscarriage. A while later, Philip brought some tea up to Max, it was as much because he thought Max could do with a drink, as for an excuse to talk to him. “Here you go son.” He said, setting the drink down on the bedside table. Max was lying on his bed, hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling, a blank, vacant look spread over his face. “Thanks.” Max replied vaguely, not moving a muscle as he continued to stare straight up. “You ok son?” “No I’m not ok, I wish everyone would stop asking me that!” Max snapped. “Ok, I’m sorry.” “No I’m sorry dad, I don’t mean to take this out on you and everyone else, I know you all just care about Liz and I. It’s ……….. it’s just that I can feel Liz closing up and shutting me out …………. and I’m scared.” Max admitted. “If you and Liz love each other as much as you show other people, you will make it through this Max. Liz is hurting too right now, but she will need you son. Once the enormity of this has sunk in she will need your strength to pull her through.” Philip said wisely. “But ………. But what if I’m not strong enough ….. what if I need someone to lean on?” Max replied tentatively. “Then your mother and I will always be here for you son. We’ll help you as much as we possibly can.” “Thanks dad, but something tells me Liz and I are gonna have to find a way through this together. I just wish she would let me in, let me help her and comfort her instead of pushing me away.” “She will, just give her some time and space. She’ll come to you when she’s ready.” Philip replied. That night seemed to last an eternity for both Max and Liz, both struggling to sleep at all. They were both racked with sadness at their loss, both secretly needing the other but afraid to call for help. On more than one occasion Liz picked up the cell phone, intent on calling her boyfriend, but putting it down at the last moment. Inside she made herself believe that Max was ok, he didn’t need her, he hadn’t lost something growing inside him like she had. But she didn’t think about how Max would be feeling, the loss he was experiencing. He laid in his bed for most of the night, listening to The Counting Crows, drowning in his own depression and just staring at the ceiling in his old bedroom. He was tired, but sleep refused to envelope his weary body. All he could think about and picture in his mind was Liz and how she had shunned him at the hospital. The following morning, Max woke up, determined to bring Liz home. Throughout the night he’d thought about everything his parents had told him the previous evening, and although everyone had told him Liz needed space, he was sure she needed him. No matter what, he would refuse to take no for an answer, he needed Liz too. Entering the hospital, Max grasped tightly to the holdall bag in his right hand. It contained fresh clothes for Liz, to help her feel a bit better and so that he could take her home. As he reached her door, Max was suddenly afraid, scared she might rebuff him like the previous evening. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to cope with that. Slowly entering the room, Max glanced towards the bed. Like before, Liz was curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed, her knees scooped up to her chest as if to comfort her. “Hi babe.” He said quietly, walking round to the opposite side of the bed. “Hi.” She croaked back, her face red and blotchy from the tears she had shed throughout the night. “Oh Liz!” Max cried, his heart breaking as he pulled her into his embrace. She allowed his strong arms to engulf her fragile body, taking in the comforting feel of security. In her heart she believed it was only a front, only a matter of time before Max realised it was her fault the baby was gone. Laying her head down on his shoulder, Liz bit back the urge to cry once again. It amazed her that she still possessed the ability to shed tears. She’d done little else but weep since the doctor had told her why she’d collapsed, surely she shouldn’t have any more tears left to cry. “I’m taking you home now Liz.” Max said calmly, waiting for her protests. “Ok.” She said quietly. She had no strength to protest his actions. She was scared of his rejection, but for now she needed his love. “Let’s get you dressed then.” He replied, releasing his grip on her and reaching for the bag. Inside were some loose sweatpants, a sweatshirt, trainers and a baseball cap. The cap had been Isabelle’s idea; she was sure Liz wouldn’t want to do anything with her hair, and she could just put the hat on and not worry. Just as she’d finished getting changed, the doctor returned to her room. “Is it ok if I take Liz home now?” Max asked, hoping the doctor gave him the right answer. “Yes, that’s fine. Liz, I need you to rest for a good few days, take it easy. You’ll start to feel better in a couple of days.” “Don’t worry doctor, Liz won’t be going anywhere near work for a while.” Max assured him. Had she possessed the strength to complain, Liz might have protested Max’s pushing that she wasn’t going to work, but she could barely stand let alone speak. Taking Liz back to his parent’s house, Max tried to create light chat in the car, except it was difficult to have a one-way conversation. Liz had barely said a word since he arrived at the hospital, and by now it was starting to worry Max. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was something to do with him.
“Let’s get you inside babe.” He said, opening the door to the car and starting to help her out. “I’m ok Max, I can manage to get out of a car. I only lost a baby, I’m not a cripple!” Liz insisted, pushing his hand aside. From her vantage point at the front door, Diane watched Liz’s determination. She couldn’t help but see so much of herself in the sprightly young girl. She too had reacted the same way after her miscarriage. Once Liz was settled in the lounge, Max disappeared off to get her a drink, leaving Diane alone in the room. “Liz, I know you think that you are the only person ever to go through this ……” Diane started. “I know I’m not Diane, I just don’t think anyone here understands how I feel.” She replied adamantly. “No? Let me guess then. You feel sad, lonely, empty at the loss …….. and most of all guilty that perhaps you did something to cause it.” Diane replied calmly, eyeing the young girl for any signs of a reaction to her words. “Erm ……………..” Liz replied, completely shocked. Diane had just summed up in a few words exactly how she felt. “It’s ok Liz. The reason I know how you feel is because I can draw on my own experience. I’ve been through what you have been through.” Diane replied. “You’ve …………. had …………. a ………………” Liz stumbled. “A miscarriage, yeah I have.” She replied solemnly. “When?” “A few years ago now, before I had Max and Isabelle. It was pretty much the same as you, about two months along, although I knew I was pregnant when I lost the baby. Philip and I had only been married about six months, but we both knew we wanted children and we were so happy when I found out I was expecting. But the celebrations were short lived, a few weeks later I woke up in the morning with terrible stomach pains, and then the inevitable bleeding. By the time I got to the hospital it was too late, the baby was gone.” “I’m so sorry Diane.” Liz replied sincerely, genuinely sorry that Max’s mother had gone through what she was experiencing. “No …… I’m sorry Liz. I’m so sorry you and Max are having to cope with this grief and bereavement. You are a beautiful couple and wonderful people, you don’t deserve this.” “Does ………….. does it get better?” Liz asked tentatively. “The pain will get easier to bear Liz, it will dull to almost nothing once you have another child to replace the grief.” “I can’t even think about another child.” Liz admitted “I know, it will take time. But please don’t shut Max out. He needs you Liz, he’s grieving as well, he lost the child too remember. He loves you so much, let him help you through the pain.” Diane urged her. From his vantage point to the side of the doorway, Max felt immense admiration for his mother. She’d relived her own nightmare for Liz, to help his girlfriend understand that there were people who could help her. But Diane hadn’t stopped there; she’d asked Liz to think about Max too. Inside, Max prayed Liz would heed his mother’s words; he couldn’t cope with being shut out for too long. For most of the day, Max gave Liz the breathing space she needed, not wanting to suffocate her. Come the evening though, when they got back to Liz’s place, Max decided it was time to confront Liz. “Liz, I know this is tough, but please don’t shut me out.” He pleaded as they entered the bedroom. “I’m sorry Max, I don’t mean to.” Liz replied, seeing the fear in his eyes. All day she had thought about Diane’s words, and realised that she did need Max’s love to pull her through. “It’s ok.” Max replied, sighing a deep breath as he pulled Liz into a crushing embrace. “I love you so much.” He added quietly. “Why Max? Why do you love me?” Liz questioned as she sat down on her bed. “Huh?” “I lost our child Max. It’s my fault …….. how can you love me now?” She said with tears in her eyes. “Oh Liz! No, it’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself. There is no way you could have prevented it. It’s just one of those terrible things we have to face together.” “But it is my fault Max. I should have known I was pregnant, I should have done something, and …………. and I shouldn’t have felt some relief when I found the baby was gone.” Liz admitted “What?” Max asked, confused what she was saying. “I’m not ready to have a baby yet Max, and this was the easy way out I guess.” “Not being ready to have a child doesn’t create a miscarriage Liz. I don’t blame you at all ……….. but I feel guilty too.” He told her. “Why do you feel guilty?” “Because I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I wasn’t at your side when the doctor told you the news. I should have been there for you Liz.” “You couldn’t have known what was going to happen to me Max.” Liz reasoned. “I know …… just like you shouldn’t blame yourself. There was nothing either of us could have done.” He said, putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling towards his body. “Why us Max? Why did it have to happen to us.” She said as tears tumbled down her cheeks. “I don’t know Liz.” He replied. He wished he could give her answers, something that would help with the pain, but there was nothing he could do. “Maybe it was me. Maybe my parents were right. I am a bad person and I don’t deserve to have a happy life, a handsome man and a beautiful baby.” She said. “No Liz! Please don’t do this to yourself. There was nothing you could have done to stop the miscarriage. You heard what the doctor said, something must have been wrong with the baby. It just wasn’t meant to be. But please don’t blame, yourself, you did nothing wrong.” He insisted. “Then why do I feel so awful? Why do I keep analysing what I’ve done over the past month to see if I triggered it. Wondering if I somehow caused the damage to our child. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it.” “Yes
it’s irrational, but I can understand. You’re
searching for answers as to why and how it happened, and you’re blaming
yourself. But please Liz, you have
to stop. You have to accept that
there will be no answers to your questions.
We will never know why it happened, it was just one of those tragic
unexplained events.” “But ……… I feel so empty.” She said sadly. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant until the baby was gone, but I feel like I’m missing a part of me.” “That’s because you are missing a part, a big part. It’s one thing to know you don’t want a baby at the moment, but when it’s gone before you get the chance to make the choice, that’s different. Our right to choose was taken away Liz, and that’s what hurts so much.” “Oh Max, will it get any easier?” She sobbed. “Eventually it will, I’m sure. But for now, we’ve got each other to help us through it. And, when the time is right, there will be another child to fill the void this one has created.” He replied, holding her sob racked body close to his. Eventually that night, Liz cried herself to sleep, still in grief and shock over the loss of her first child. Max on the other hand couldn’t sleep. As he watched her dozing peacefully in his arms, Max couldn’t hold up his steadfast front any longer. As a single tear escaped and slipped down his cheek, he finally gave in to the turmoil of emotions swirling around his body, and allowed himself to give into his need to grieve and began to weep openly. He cried for Liz and the pain and mental torture she was going through trying to come to terms with loosing their baby. He cried for the lost child, the child that would never know the magnitude of love it would have received from its parents. But most of all, he cried for himself for the loss of a child he hadn’t realised he wanted so badly. Never before had he truly confronted his feelings towards children, pushing it to the back of his mind and assuming he’d want children eventually but not yet. But with Liz loosing their first child, all those emotions rushed to the top, making him realise that deep down he really wanted to become a father and soon, thus making the loss even harder to accept. His tears continued to course down his cheeks for many hours, as sleep refused to engulf him. He couldn’t imagine how much pain Liz was carrying around inside her, but knew that he was overcome with his own grief too. He felt guilty that he hadn’t been around when she’d collapsed, guilty he hadn’t be able to do anything to prevent the miscarriage, guilty that he hadn’t been with her for support when she was told the news about the baby. He was her boyfriend, her protector, in his heart he believed there should have been something he could have done to shield Liz from the immense pain she was experiencing. Eventually, when he had no more tears left to shed, he allowed himself to close his eyes, and slowly drift into much needed sleep, feeling better inside that he’d finally allowed himself to accept he had lost something the previous day as well as Liz. In his heart, Max knew that was the first step for him on the long road to recovery. Getting Liz to open up and let him back in, letting him know she still needed him was part of the battle. The other part had been for him to admit he needed to accept his loss and cry. It had taken a while, but now that he was at that point, he felt better and knew it was the first pace in the direction of survival, a light at the end of a very long, dark, desolate tunnel of despair.
A new part will be posted very soon! Author: Kazza – 29th April 2001
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