Something to Believe in

PART 39   

Slipping his key into the door, Max turned the lock before stepping inside.  Pausing for a moment, he gratefully wrenched his feet out of the new shoes that had been giving him grief all day.

He’d been at a client’s for most of the day, finally securing a new contract for his company.  This time his talents would be used to redesign the structure of a well-known entertainments division specialising in TV shows and movies.  It was going to be an intensely challenging project, but ultimately the promised rewards meant Max couldn’t wait.  The initial hours would be long for him as preparation for plans always required, but the financial rewards were more than satisfying. 

“Liz?”  He called out, dropping his black leather briefcase on the floor of his study next door to the kitchen.  Getting no answer from the silent house he assumed she’d been caught up at work once more.  It was always a surprise to see who would finish work first between the two of them.  Despite the fact they were married to each other, work still played a very important part in their lives. 

Making a mental note to call her at the office and remind her to come home sometime that evening, Max headed upstairs towards the master bedroom of the large house.

Laying his suit jacket on the bed and loosening the tie that had felt like it was choking him all day, Max headed over to his wardrobe to select some more comfortable clothes.  Getting out of his smart charcoal grey suit and crisp white shirt was an urgent must.

Opening the door of his closet he pulled out a t-shirt, before pausing in mid flow.  At first he thought he was imaging things, sounds that weren’t really there in the room.  Stopping in mid-stride, he strained his ear, trying to locate the sound once more.

The soft sobs filtered through intermittently once more, and this time he was certain he wasn’t dreaming the sounds.  His heart also told him it was Liz emitting the cries; she was upset over something of that he was sure.

“Liz?”  He called out, dropping the t-shirt on the bed and striding quickly across to the closed door of their en-suite bathroom.  As soon as he uttered the words, however, the sobbing sound ceased. 

“Liz?”  He queried again, trying the brass handle of the door a couple of times before realising it was locked.  She never locked the bathroom door though, why now, he thought.

“I’m ok.”  She responded, her voice sounding full of cracking emotion.

[I]Damm!  What was he doing home?[/I]  She certainly wasn’t expecting Max to be back from work so soon; it was only a little after 5.00pm.  Normally it was way past six before he returned, and she’d expected him to be later than usual knowing how important his meeting had been that day. 

She couldn’t let him see her upset, no matter what.  She had to stay in control, regain her composure before he suspected something was wrong.  She had to get her mind round what was happening to her before she invited him into her unfamiliar, scary neurotic world. 

“You don’t sound ok to me, open the door.”  He said gently, trying to stay calm despite his rising panic.  A crease furrowed his brow as a million and one ideas flew through his brain and lightening pace.  The only one that stuck however was his beautiful wife was upset.  Over what he had no clue.

“Please Max.”  She replied, scrubbing at her tear drenched cheeks with her fists, attempting to remove signs of her emotions spilling over.  A quick glance in the bathroom mirror signalled it was a futile attempt though; her red raw eyes and blotchy red face bore major signs of tears and despair. 

“Liz, open the door!”  He insisted again, this time his voice full of authority and more than a little concern.  For a few moments he even considered leaning heavily on the door or just putting his foot through the bottom panel.  He wasn’t one for brute force usually, but she was scaring him.  Her voice sounded so painful and her refusal to let him in didn’t bode well.  It was clear something was very wrong with Liz, she never normally cried, and he had to know what was going on with his wife.

Knowing there was very little she could do to halt her husband’s concerns, she finally reached out towards the lock of the door.  It was either letting him in willingly or have him burst in, shattering the lock or wood in the process.  Either way she would have to face him eventually, and he would want answers whether he saw her tear tracked face or not.

The sound of the metal being slid backwards heightened Max’s senses.  He didn’t know what to expect, his heart racing as he waited not so patiently to be able to open the door.  It took super human strength not to throw the door open and barge into the room after the lock was pulled back fully.  Instead, not wanting to scare her, he slowly pushed down on the door handle and allowed the door to open on its own accord.  Slowly, gently he took a step inside the ample sized bathroom, not altogether looking forward to what might lay inside. 

No matter how he prepared himself for something bad, looking at Liz knocked him back on his heals.  The sight that greeted him was his beautiful wife sitting on closed toilet, head bowed, shoulders shuddering with sobs and shattered shards of glass strewn all across the cream carpeted floor.  For a moment he felt paralysed, fear of what had happened filling every crevice of his body.  Had she tried harming herself?  There was no blood, but the glass ……….

“Liz?  What’s going on?”  He queried, each word dripping with worry and evident concern as his eyes scanned around.

The silence from Liz heightened his worry, something was seriously up.  Not only was she not speaking to him, her eyes were dropped downwards, making sure he couldn’t attempt to read her emotions like he normally did.

Being careful to avoid the remnants of glass, Max sunk to his knees and scooted closer to Liz.  Bending his head he tried to look at her eyes, but her lowered head and downcast look made it impossible.

Slipping a gentle finger under her chin, he slowly started to edge her face upwards.  He met slight opposition from her at first, but perseverance on his part paid off.  He desperately needed to look into her eyes, needed to see that his fears were unfounded; perhaps she was just upset at breaking a glass?  Seriously ridiculous he knew, but Max was grasping at straws, anything that might give an indication to Liz’s state of mind at that moment. 

The sight, however, cut straight through Max’s heart like a burning poison tipped arrow.  Her normally sparkling doe eyes held nothing but sorrow and pain, her normally rosy cheeks blotchy and damp from the tears he guessed she’d cried.

“Oh Liz.”  He cried softly, wrapping a strong hand around the back of her head and encouraging her to rest it on his shoulder.  He didn’t know what the problem was, but something told him Liz wasn’t in a position to answer his questions right then. 

Instead he did the only thing he could think of to soothe her tears, one hand wrapped tightly around her back, the other stroking her hair rhythmically.  Holding her close he tried to make her feel save and needed, make her relax enough so he could get some answers to the racing questions.

His mind was working overtime while he knelt on the floor.  He tried his best to work out why his wife had suffered such a melt down.  The normally strong Liz Evans didn’t usually fall into a puddle of tears, so why now?  What had happened while he was securing the largest business deal his company had ever seen to upset her so much?

Various ideas ran through his head, but it was his eyes that settled upon what he believed was the answer.  Hastily she’d pushed the test into the bin, but the box with bright silver writing lay on the counter for anyone to see. 

A pregnancy test, of course, he thought to himself.  Despite the indications that Liz wasn’t ready to start a family, he was the first to admit he’d be careless with precautions at times.  She was on the pill, but he’d noticed she’d missed a few probably due to her hectic work schedule.  With the means and the motive, Liz being pregnant wasn’t as far fetched as he might have thought.

Was she pregnant?  Was she carrying his child?  A thousand and one new questions joined the many already circulating his brain, but not an answer was in sight.

It took a little over ten minutes before Max had pacified Liz enough so that she regained her composure.  He still didn’t know what was going on, but at least Liz wasn’t crying any more.  Leaving her for a few minutes to wash away the remaining tears, he headed downstairs to make some tea in preparation of answers to those many questions.

Her presence in the kitchen coincided perfectly with the tea being made.  Placing a cup with extra sugar on the pine table, he used a foot to pull out the chair indicating with a nod of his head for her to join him at the table.  He noted she’d covered her fitted summer dress with a long navy cardigan, which she wrapped round her stomach with folded arms.  A sign of insecurity if ever he’d seen one.

Reluctantly sitting down, she bit down on her bottom lip, a sure sign she was nervous about something.  And she was, explaining to Max why she was in such a state wasn’t going to be an easy feat.  Where did she start, what words did she use to tell him the route of her problem.  Would he understand?  Would he be pleased or unhappy?

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”  He asked softly, his eyes casting gentle glances at her.

“I’m ok Max.”  She said, trying to sound confident.

“Yeah I can see that.”  He said somewhat sarcastically.  “Coming home to you in floods of tears in a bathroom covered in shattered glass is a regular occurrence.”  He added his voice softening.  He’d wanted to inject a little humour into the proceedings to lighten the mood, but his words fell woefully short of laughter. 

“The glass just slipped out of my hand, it’s no big deal.”  She reasoned, trying to steer him away from the truth.  She wasn’t lying, the glass had fallen ….. she just wasn’t telling him what she’d been doing before dropping it.

“And the tears were all over a broken glass I guess?”
”Something like that.”  She replied, nervously pushing a rogue strand of hair back behind her ear.

Watching her nervousness worried him; this wasn’t the Liz he knew.  She normally was so assured and in control.  Hell she could scythe down fully-grown businessmen with the flick of her tongue and the droll of her words.  Was she really so afraid to tell him what the problem was?  Did she think he was going to flip or freak?   

“Ok, enough of the pretending ………. I’m your husband, talk to me.”  Max said firmly, worry finally getting the better of him.  “Whatever it is I am sure I’m gonna be happy about it.”  He added, slipping his hand on her leg to persuade her to open up.

His mind thought back to the empty box in the bathroom, and his heart jumped in anticipation and excitement once more.  Ever since they’d married, and indeed time before that, the one thing Max wanted above a wife was a family of his own.  He had fond memories of his childhood, his loving mother and father who had always been willing to show him neat stuff.  He longed to pass on his knowledge and love to a child of his own.  A child with Liz had been beyond his wildest dreams …. until now. 

“It’s nothing ………”  She responded, clearly not prepared to open up her secret to him.

“Ok, fine Liz, I’ll guess then.”  He said, pretending to think for a moment.  “Are you pregnant?”  He finally asked the gentleness in his voice warming and comforting, trying to get her to open up.  All he wanted was affirmation, a nod of her head, a slight smile or sad eyes.  Anything to confirm what he thought was true.  He could handle her reaction, good or bad, they’d get through it just as long as she told him.

Her mouth dropped open for a moment, shocked by his words and the fact he’d guessed what she’d suspected earlier that day.  How had he come to that conclusion?  How could he have seen any signs?

”W …. Wh …..What?”  She stumbled tears welling once more.

 “Are you?”  He asked again.

What could she say to him now?  How could she tell him?  Questions ran around her head, causing the tears to return with vengeance.  She continually bit on her bottom lip, wrapping her arms around her middle as she tried to get some comfort.

“Hey, don’t cry babe.  It’s ok, I don’t mind, just tell me Liz.”  He said trying to win her confidence.

“ ………….. No …………….”  She finally replied. 

“No?”  He questioned, surprise filling every ounce of his voice.  That was definitely the last response he’d expected.

“That’s right Max, no I’m not pregnant.”  She said, lifting her sorrow filed eyes to look at his.

“But ……… but I don’t understand.”  He stumbled, leaning back slightly and pushing a hand through his thick brown hair.  “I thought you were upset because you were pregnant.”

“How did you know I thought I was?”  She queried.

“I saw the box on the counter in the bathroom.”

“Oh.”

“Oh is a good word!”  He reiterated.  “So you’re not pregnant, then what’s with all the tears?  What aren’t you telling me Liz?”  He asked, getting slightly worried there was a much bigger, deeper routed problem.

“Ok I’m …….. I’m upset because I’m not.”  She replied, feeling slightly sheepish.  She hadn’t meant to flip out, but she so hoped the test would come back positive.  She was so sure it would, the negativity had knocked her backwards.

Her words only served to confuse him yet further.  She was upset because they weren’t going to have a baby, not because they were?  Creases of worry began to decorate his normally wrinkle free forehead.  He’d been convinced she wasn’t ready to give up her independence and job satisfaction for a child.  So convinced he’d never actually talked to her about it, he though, mentally kicking himself for assuming something so big.

“I thought you didn’t want children yet with your job and all.”  He countered, needing to finally have that long overdue conversation with her.

“I didn’t.”  She started.  “I guess something changed though.  Seeing Maria with Mac has got me thinking about having a family of our own.”

“Why didn’t you tell me Liz?”  He asked, wishing she’d talked to him.  The whole mess of that afternoon could have been avoided if only they’d broached the subject.

“Because ….… because …….. Oh I don’t know Max.”  She sighed.  “I guess it took me by surprise also.  I’ve never thought about having a child before.  I’ve never been one to dream of having little ones running round my feet, doing the school car pool thing and stuff.  But this feeling is so overwhelming, the yearning stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced before.”

“Liz it’s ok to want a baby, and I would love nothing more than to start a family with you.  It’s nothing to hide though, there’s no shame in admitting you want more out of life than your job and a husband.”  He said, prising her hand away from her arm so he could hold it.

“I know there’s no shame, I guess it just crept up on me.  I never thought I wanted to become a mother until recently.”  She replied, a thin smile creeping over her face, indicating she was starting to feel a little happier.

“So ……. When do you want to start trying?”  He asked mischievously, a glint in his eyes.  “How about now?”

“Erm …….. sure.”  She replied, the biting of her bottom lip indicating there was still something she was holding back from him.

“What else aren’t you telling me?”  He asked pointedly reading her like an open book.

“Well, I guess we’ve kinda been trying for the last couple of months.” 

“I don’t follow.”

“I know it was wrong Max, but I’ve not really been taking my pill for the last couple of months.”  She said, casting her eyes downwards in shame.  “I know it was wrong to deceive you, I don’t know what’s wrong with me at the moment.  I’m sorry I lied to you.”

For a brief moment he pulled away from her slightly, his temples aching from her admission.  Deception to Max was like the eighth deadly sin, almost unforgivable.  For Liz to all but lie to him each time they’d made love over the last couple of months, making him believe it was safe was just wrong to him. 

Then again, as he glanced at her hopeful eyes though his narrow ones, a family with Liz was what he desired the most.  If she’d of told him she’d gotten pregnant by accident, or pregnant through their active trying he would have been ecstatic.  But he’d believed Liz wasn’t ready to have a baby, until now that was.

So was her deception really so bad?  Yes she’d silently lied to him, but she wanted the same end as he did.   A family with Liz was the last thing needed to make his life perfect.  They had everything else; a child of their own was the only thing money couldn’t buy.

“You deceived me Liz, made me think we were being careful.  That wasn’t fair.”  He said firmly.  “But, I want a family with you above anything else.  I want it as badly as you do.”  He added, his face softening somewhat.

“Ok.”

“Just promise me you’ll talk to me next time.  No more secrets right?” 

“Ok, no more secrets.”  She reiterated, smiling properly for the first time since he’d got home.

Smiling back to indicate all was fine again, he stretched out his arms to invite Liz into an embrace.  Eagerly she moved to his outstretched leg, sitting and allowing his warm arms to envelope her.  It felt good to feel his embrace again; her emotions starting to calm down now he knew everything and still loved her.

“I’m sorry about earlier though, I didn’t mean to get so emotional.  I had just convinced myself the test would come back positive, and I guess I was just upset when it said I wasn’t pregnant.”  She said softly, resting her head on his shoulder.

”It’s ok babe, you’ll have that baby you want so badly soon enough.”  He replied stoking her soft hair.

And he really meant to keep that promise, he really meant for Liz to fall pregnant with their baby as soon as possible.

PART 40

It was a huge promise, however, that Max shouldn’t have made to either of them.  Whether Liz would fall pregnant or not was somewhat out of his control and into the hands of fate instead.

Over the following six months they used any and every opportunity to make the baby they both wanted so desperately.  But despite all their attempts, it didn’t transpire.  Each month Liz did her utmost to remain upbeat, but he could tell she was more than a little upset when she found out nothing had happened.  To Max it seemed like the gods were conspiring against them in preventing it.  Perhaps this was their punishment for having the perfect life, beautiful home, successful careers and plenty of money.

The nail in the coffin, so to speak, was Isabelle and Alex’s engagement a month later.  Everyone was crammed into Diane and Philip’s garden one sunny Sunday afternoon when Alex finally made the announcement.  It was met with jubilation and many happy hugs.

“That’s really great news sis.”  Max congratulated, hugging his little sister and smiling at Alex.  He was truly happy for them, and in his opinion about time.  Max, with all his heart, could fully recommend the wonders and joy of marriage. 

“Thanks.”  Isabelle beamed, pausing to catch a breath before continuing.  “Oh and we’ve also set the date.”
”Already?”  Diane queried, arching her eyebrows in guarded disbelief.

”Yes, we’re getting married next month.”  She replied calmly, as Alex slipped an arm around her waist.  Although no one else knew the real reason, he wanted to be standing beside his beautiful fiancée as she explained the eagerness to wed.

“So soon?”  Diane worried, gently patting her daughter’s hand to show her concern.  “But Isabelle there’s so much to organise with a wedding.  You’re gonna need more time than that.  There’s just no possible way you can arrange everything in a month.”  He mother cautioned.

“Well I’m sorry mum, a month or so is all the time we’ve got to plan this wedding whether it’s enough time or not.  So I guess I’m gonna need your help with everything that needs to be arranged.”  Isabelle responded, hoping her brilliant smile would win her mother round. 

This was one time Isabelle definitely wanted and needed her mother’s help, she just prayed Diane would understand why there was such a hurry for the wedding.  She didn’t need a huge do, or anything amazingly fancy.  As long as her family and friends were there to share her special moment that would be more than enough for Isabelle.  All that mattered was she married Alex, and it was done the following month or as close to it as humanly possible.  For she was a traditionalist at heart, this was important to her.

Eyeing his sister through narrowed pools, Max tried to gauge what the problem was.  Clearly Isabelle was in a hurry to marry Alex, not that he was complaining, but that wasn’t like his sister.  The Isabelle he knew enjoyed being the centre of attention, enjoyed the rushing around and organising all the hullabaloo a wedding caused.  To cram it into a month was pushing it, even for his always-organised sister.  He’d pitted her as someone who’d want to prolong the planning as much as possible to keep people talking about the event.  But a month …. that was too quick to be normal, something was definitely fishy.

“But honey, what’s the rush?  Surely a few months wouldn’t hurt.  That’ll give you and your mother plenty of time to plan the perfect wedding.” Philip questioned trying to find a compromising ground.

“No, I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”  She pondered for the briefest moment, as if deciding whether or not to share more news with her family.  “Only that there’s no way I’ll fit into a wedding dress if we delay.”  She finally added.

“What do you mean honey?”  Her father queried, confusion washing over his face.

“Well ……. I guess that’s the other piece of news we want to tell you.”  Alex started, hoping the news would come better from him rather than Isabelle.  Slipping his hand in his fiancée’s he took a swift breath praying the Evans’ clan liked him as much as they showed outwardly to.  “We had planned to wait until after the wedding, but Mother Nature kind of added a helping hand.”

“Huh?”  Max queried, as baffled as everyone else around the table.

“Alex and I are going to have a baby!”  Isabelle squealed, unable to contain her excitement as her fiancé’s hand moved to rest over her still flat stomach.  The feel of Alex’s fingers against her stomach sent a rush of excited butterflies scurrying around, oh how much she loved him dearly.

“A ……. A baby?”  Max spluttered, his eyes bulging as he looked at his sister.  Mouth gaping wide, he sat there and stared, trying to get his brain to take in the words Alex had said, and process the impact such vocals could have on his own seemingly perfect life.

“That’s right big brother.  A baby.  You know, one of those little people you normally have after getting married.”  Isabelle jested good-naturedly, her face radiant with joy.

“Yeah thanks Is, I know what a baby is.”  Max glared, trying to keep his voice even before slowly glancing at Liz.

Tilting his head slightly, he tried to make eye contact with her, trying to gauge her reaction to Isabelle’s news.  Her eyes looked saddened and glistened, as if she was doing her utmost to hold back tears brimming under the surface.  Stretching out his hand, Max covered hers and gently squeezed her fingers.  She turned her sorrow filled eyes his way and gave him a small smile in an attempt to alleviate his fears.

She knew what he was thinking; Liz could tell he was concerned about the affect of Isabelle’s news on her.  She wanted to pretend Isabelle’s admission hadn’t felt like a kick in the gut.  She wanted to pretend she was happy and felt only happiness for Alex’s good news, and she did truly, but her happiness was tinged with just a hint of jealousy.  For her best friend and sister-in-law had the one thing she desired with all her heart and soul.

Glancing around the patio table, Liz bit down hard on her bottom lip.  Isabelle and Alex were receiving congratulations hugs and kisses; Maria was bouncing bonny Mackenzie happily on her knee as Michael looked on, his face beaming with parental pride.  They were all happy, truly happy with where they were in life at that very moment.  And so was Liz, she had Max, she had a successfully career and beautiful house …. So why did she feel like there was a mammoth void deep inside her like the hugest volcanic crater just waiting to explode. 

Sitting there and taking in the sights, Liz felt more of an outside than she’d ever felt before.  It was as if she wasn’t normal because she and Max didn’t have a child, as if they no longer fitted in with their best friends.  If only they knew how much she wanted a family, how much she yearned to cradle a child in her own arms, and then all the problems she and Max were trying to overcome.

“Liz?”  Alex said, pulling her out of her self induced sorrow, rounding the table and heading towards his best fried with open arms.

“Congratulations Alex, I’m so happy for you.  I know what having a family means to you.”  She said sincerely, doing her utmost to remove any trace of hurt from her voice.  No matter her own feelings, this was Alex’s time, something he’d desired for so long, for much longer than Liz.

“Thanks Liz.”  He beamed happily, oblivious to her sadness.

“So Max, when’s it gonna be your turn?”  Michael queried, as his feisty young son gnawed away at his finger.

“Oh I’m not really sure it’s for me.”  Liz interjected, forcing a smile across her face to try and back up her lie.  “Work’s way too busy and demanding.  Besides with you guys having all the children it means we get the fun but you get them back for all those midnight feedings and nappy changes.”  She added, trying to give weight to her words and inject a little humour to lighten her downcast mood.

“Oh but it’s wonderful Liz, I can vouch for that.  You’d love it, I know you would.”  Maria beamed, glancing down at her daughter.

“Maybe one day.”  Max added in, putting his arms around his wife and pulling her closer to him.  “But for now we’re just happy with each other.”  He added, gently kissing the top of her head.

Despite her bravado approach, it was clear to Max that Isabelle’s news had hurt her terribly.  It was bad enough to see a baby each time they went to Michael and Maria’s, but now the baby talk would be common practice in his parents house too, there would be no escape for Liz.  Or him he conceded silently.  Holding her tightly he tried to project some strength into Liz’s body, trying to help her through the demons that were inevitably circling her mind with vengeance. 

A while later, needing a moment to catch his breath and process all that was happening around him, Max headed towards the sanctuary of his parents’ house.  Stepping into the kitchen, he found his mother loading the dishwasher with the dirty lunch dishes.

“Hi mum, let me help.”  He offered like the dutiful son before taking some glasses from the counter top and placing them in the top rack.

“Oh thanks Max.”  She replied, looking up at him.

For a moment she wondered where the time had gone, the years flying past so quickly.  It seemed like only yesterday Max and Isabelle were carefree children coming to her for everything including plasters for grazed knees.  Yet now her son was a grown married man with this own successful business.  She wondered when exactly he’d gone from being her baby to a man more likely to depend on himself than trouble her.  One thing that hadn’t changed though was her ability to know when something was troubling him.  His brow furrowed with wrinkles, the normal cheerful glint in his eyes dimmed.  Helping her with the dishes was a nice gesture, but she sensed there was more to it than that.

“Are you ok Max?”  She queried softly, not wanting to push him, but needing Max to know she was there if help was required.

“Sure, why wouldn’t I be?”  He countered somewhat defensively.

“Well you went pretty quiet at your sister’s news.  Are you happy about the baby, or do you not approve of Alex?”

“No!”  He said sharply.  “No, Alex is great, and I’m really happy for them both.”  He clarified more calmly. 

“Is everything ok with you and Liz?”

“Yeah we’re great.”  He lied, before thinking better of it, perhaps sharing a little with his mother might help.  “Ok, maybe great is an exaggeration, ‘ok’ might be a better description.”

“Talk to me then.”  She replied, taking his arm and steering him towards the kitchen table.

“Liz will probably kill me for talking to you …………”  He started.

“But it may help, so I think she’ll forgive you.  Anyway I won’t tell her you’ve said anything.”  She reassured.

“Ok, yeah Iz’s news smarts a little, but I don’t begrudge her the happiness at all.  I just wish it was Liz and I in the situation.”

“Have you talked to Liz about wanting to have a family?”  She queried gently.
“Yeah, we’ve had many talks on the subject.”
“And she still doesn’t want children?”  Diane asked, feeling sure her son’s sadness was because his wife wasn’t ready to commit to a family just yet.  Liz had been very firm at the lunch table when Michael had queried their turn at parenthood, clearly she didn’t want a child like her son did.

“Oh no, Liz wants a child as much as I do.”  He replied, clearly surprising his mother.

“Then I don’t understand the problem.  If you both want children what’s stopping you?”
“Liz isn’t sure she’ll ever be able to have children because of a medical condition.  We’ve been trying for over six months now, it’s just not happening.  The thing is it’s making me wonder whether it’s all really worth it.  I mean I want a child with Liz, but all this stress and pain is almost too much to carry around.  Every month she gets upset because it hasn’t happened, and I don’t know what to do or how to comfort her.  I want to protect her from the hurt mum, but I just don’t know how to.  Part of me just wants to accept it’s not meant to be and be grateful we have each other.”

“Have you told Liz this?”

“No, I haven’t dared.  She wants a child even more than me, she’ll probably bite my head off if I suggest something like admitting defeat.”  He said wearily, running a hand through his hair.

“Ok, well have you considered other options?”

“Like what?”

“Well there’s IVF or a surrogate mother, or how about even adoption?  I know what it’s like to feel your life is being ruled by emotions of desiring a baby Max.  I’ve been there, seen it and done it many times, just ask your father.  The yearning is like nothing you’ll ever experience elsewhere; the depression each month just drowns you.  But I love you and Isabelle very much.  To your father and I you are our children, our own flesh and blood despite the fact I didn’t actually give birth to you.  The fact you’re adopted doesn’t make me love you any less than if you were my real blood son.”  She said sincerely, slipping a hand over his.

“I love you too mum, and to me I am your real blood.”

“There are so many poor children in orphanages with no prospects or possibility of being adopted, but you could make a real difference to one of them.”

“I hadn’t thought about adopting a child, I hardly remember a time when you and dad weren’t around, any memories of the Orphanage seem to have disappeared over time.”
“Well good memories tend to push bad ones to your subconscious.”  She agreed.

Looking at him once more, she saw the glint in his eyes slowly start to return, the wrinkles on his brow smoothing somewhat.  Despite her feelings that he no longer needed a mother, he’d clearly confirmed that was not the case.  Smiling inwardly, she decided that although cuddles and sticking plasters were not required, he still needed support and help from his mother once in a while.

“Well just think about it.  It’s just another option to throw into the cooking pot.  What you and Liz choose to do is your decision, but just think about it.  Maybe if Liz wasn’t so worried about having a child it would happen naturally.”

“Thanks mum, I’ll think about it and then see how Liz feels.”  He said, clearly mulling over the words.

“There you two are!”  Isabelle said startling them.  “We were just going to get a group photo of everyone, come on.”  She encouraged, a large beaming smile across her face.

Smiling at his mother, he gently patted her hand indicating the talk had done him good.  Heading back outside he couldn’t help but think that pregnancy and an engagement obviously agreed with his sister, no one could deny she looked radiant.

Wrapping his arms around his wife’s waist, Max gently kissed the top of her head.  Yes, maybe adopting a child would be wonderful for them, bring the smile back to Liz’s face and dispel some of the dark cloud that seemed to have perpetually settled over them recently. 

Their journey home from his parent’s house was done in near silence, only the quiet background noise of the radio filling the car.  More than once he considered saying something, swallowing the words at the last minute before they tumbled out of his mouth.  Liz spent the time staring absentmindedly out of the window, her eyes glazed with a watery expression.  She looked lost, he conceded, as he pulled into their driveway.

“Liz.”  He started, pulling on the handbrake as the car came to a halt.  His words fell on deaf ears, however.  The moment the car became stationery enough Liz jumped out, fumbling for her keys and disappearing inside before Max barely had the chance to remove his seatbelt. 

Sighing sadly to himself, he climbed out of the car, all the while trying to decide what to do next.  Leaving Liz alone to fester on her feelings and sadness wouldn’t do her any good except eat away at her insides.  But then again getting his head bitten off by her fiery temper didn’t seem amazingly appealing either.

“Liz?”  He called, entering the house and removing his jacket before hanging it in the hallway closet.

Deciding her first stop would have been their bedroom; he decided to check there.  Tacking his courage in his hands, Max climbed the stairs two at a time.  Preparing himself for her rebuff attitude, Max took a deep breath before gently pushing open the door.

“Liz?”  He said, rounding the bed to pull up beside where she was lying.

“Go away.”  She replied sternly, her voice muffled by the pillow covering her face.

“Liz we have to talk about this.”  He started, sinking to his knees by the bed.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Please Liz.”  He pleaded, rubbing her back with his hand in an attempt to persuade her to roll over.

“What are you gonna say Max?  It’ll be ok Liz; we’ll get lucky soon?  Well I don’t think we will Max.”  She snapped, finally lifting her head to face him.

He’d attempted to steel himself against her temper, to stay strong against her barrage, but his strength melted the moment he looked at her.  Liz’s eyes were red raw and brimmed full of watery tears.  Her cheeks were bright pink and blotchy, streaks of dampness littering them like tracks down her face. 

“Oh babe.”  He finally cried, pulling her into his arms and crushing her against his chest. 

“Don’t Max ……..”  She started, not wanting his pity. 

She didn’t need him consoling her back to happiness.  The reason she was sad and depressed was her own doing.  It wasn’t Max’s fault they weren’t pregnant, it was hers, plain and simple.  It was her body that had the fault, her body that stopped them from conceiving the child they yearned for so desperately.  His words would attempt to soothe, but in the end she’d know it was just a front.  He’d be secretly thinking the same thing; it was all her fault.

“No Liz, this has to stop.”  He said firmly, pulling back slightly.  “I know this is hard, I know how much you want a child, but we can’t keep going on like this.  You’re gonna make yourself sick if you keep going Liz.”

“I can’t stop wanting a child Max, it doesn’t work that way.”  She countered.

“I know babe.  Believe me it’s an emotion I’ve tried many times to turn off.”  He sympathised, running a hand along her arm.  “All I’m saying is maybe it’s time we considered other ways of having a child.”  He added gently, not wanting to get Liz upset once more.

“What sort of ways?”  She queried, not wanting to sound intrigued, but her voice betraying her.

“How about we consider adopting a chid?  We could give a wonderful home to a little boy or girl who only has an orphanage to call family at the moment.  I know it won’t be exactly like having a child of our own, and there would be other obstacles to face, but the end rewards would be the same.”  He said, watching her face for any signs of the idea repulsing her.

For a moment she stared at Max and blinked her eyes causing ripples of tears to tumble down her cheeks.  The idea Max just put forward circled viciously in her mind.  She had her heart set on having Max’s child, yearning to feel the being grow deep inside her and creating an unbreakable bond before the child was born. 

But if it weren’t meant to be, would adopting a child be so bad?  She’d be able to give a sad, lonely child so much love and happiness, wouldn’t that be sufficient to curb her motherly instincts?  Having laughter and joy filling the house was what she desired, that and to be able to see Maria and Isabelle without feeling the stabbing pain deep in her stomach. 

“Ok ……… adopting a child might be ok.”  She finally responded, a thin creased smile dancing across her face.

“Ok, then we’ll make an appointment to visit Angelina Terrace Orphanage for next week.”  He said, eager to bring her mood higher.  “Unless that’s too soon and you want to think some more about it?”  He added hastily, not wanting to push her into something she wasn’t ready for.

“Next week would be great Max.”  She responded, allowing the smile to grow a little more.

Putting his arms around her neck, Max pulled her close to his body.  He’d managed to do what he thought was the impossible; calm Liz down after Isabelle’s news.  He couldn’t blame her though; his stomach had lurched the moment his sister had made the announcement too.

At first he’d put it down to worrying how Liz would react, but in truth he had to admit it was because he wished it was himself announcing such news to his family on his beautiful wife’s behalf. 

Late that evening, after he’d got Liz settled and asleep, he went back down stairs.  He knew it was pointless even trying to sleep, it wouldn’t come easily that night and he didn’t want to toss and turn, risking waking Liz up.  She needed her sleep too much for that, and he needed lone time to sort out his mixed up emotions.

Pouring a large measure of whiskey, he sat down in the darkness of the living room before taking a sip of the golden nectar.  It burnt the back of his throat as he swallowed, but he barely noticed.  His thoughts were millions of miles away from the smarting of Whiskey.

His heart broke each time he saw Liz cry, and that was happening more and more frequently since they’d started trying for the baby.  No matter what he did or how he tried, he couldn’t wave a magic wand and make everything better this time. 

But it wasn’t supposed to be like this, his life was supposed to be perfect.  In his dreams they had the white picket fenced house, a hoard of beautiful babies and him bouncing in each evening crying [I]‘hi honey I’m home!”[/I]  But it wasn’t like that in reality; they didn’t live in a Pleasantville black and white sitcom.

He had money in abundance, the perfect house and a stunning wife whom he loved with all his heart.  So why were they being punished by not being able to have the one thing they craved?  Why was someone high above stopping them from having the one thing they both desired?

A baby, a young being created out of its parent’s love would make their life perfect, he knew that.  But he couldn’t buy his way out of this one, this time he had to be patient, not a trait Max Evans was well known for.

Taking another gulp of the whiskey, he wondered what would happen to Liz if they were deemed not suitable to adopt?  Would she fall to pieces on him completely, or would she dig deep and find more of that amazing strength she possessed to push on and keep going? 

More importantly, how would he cope?  He’d dreamt for so long of having his own family, a son to teach soccer and fishing, a beautiful daughter to love and protect.  Would he be able to go on if it was just Liz and he? 

Tears stung his eyes as he swallowed the last of his golden drink, and knew the answer to all his questions pertinent to him.  He’d survive; he’d cope without children, just as long as Liz was right with him.  For she was his life, his love, his hope and grounding.  As long as they were together they’d survive anything, even this latest hurdle. 

TBC ..............................?

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