Black and White Static

John Carter sat by the tall glass window of his hospital room watching the 6 am traffic. A dull pain still emanated endlessly from his wounds inflicted by Paul Sobriki. Paul Sobriki. God. Now there's a man I wish never entered the ER. He had come into the ER with complaints of migraines and Lucy was assigned to him. Carter closed his eyes trying to fight the tears that now came so easily. One thought of her was enough. He had been so cold to her that day, and everyday and night since, he wished he hadn't. He wished he had watched over her more closely, supervise like he was supposed to. But he didn't. I thought she'd be ok, hold her own. Abby was new and he felt that he should watch her closely, answer any questions she had. Instead, I should have been there for Lucy. She asked me for help, for me to pay attention, and I blew her off. I should have listened to her when she told me he was schizophrenic. I should have stayed with her until that psych consult c!

ame. Then maybe she'd be here with me. Sobriki had taken that knife. The one the nurses were going to use to cut the Valentine's cake. He took it and killed. He took the one thing that Carter kept close in his heart. He took her away from me. Carter stopped fighting the tears and the fell steadily down his pale cheeks. He didn't even bother to wipe them away. It had only been 4 days since it all happened. It took less than a week for Carter's world to crumble. The pain from the stabbings was easily dwarfed by the ache in his heart. The void she left behind when she died. God Lucy. Why did you have to leave me? He buried his head in his hands. Why did you go? Lucy's mom had come the day before to clean out her daughter's locker, and she went to see him. She looked so much like Lucy, and when he had to lie to her . . . it was so . . .

"Uh, Dr. Carter?" A soft voice asked from the doorway of his room.

He quickly wiped the tears away and spun around in his wheelchair. Standing in front of him was a young girl about sixteen give or take a few years. She had dark brown hair which fell a few inches past her shoulders and sharp brown eyes. Hanging on her shoulder was a black Nike duffel bag.

"Are you Dr. John Carter?" she asked again looking from a small slip of paper in her hand to the plastic room number plate on the door.

"Uh, yeah," he wheeled closer to her.

"I'm Mackenzie. Mackenzie Vitali. I was told that I should come and speak to you."

"Why?" he asked bluntly before catching her eye carefully. "We haven't met have we?"

"No." She walked into the room, "I heard about the accident. I'm sorry."

Carter laughed bitterly, "Yeah so am I. Look if my parents or some other well wishers sent you to come and get my to 'open up', you can just forget it."

"No one sent me here Dr. Carter. Well actually-"

"I'm sorry, Mackenzie, but this really isn't a good time, and it won't be for a while. I had an eight inch butcher knife jabbed into my back. Twice. I get to look forward to some 'fun' hours of rehabilitation and my back is killing me." His voice rose, "I'd love for all this to be some kind to sick nightmare but it isn't, so for just 10 damn minutes, I would like to be left alone." He started to turn back to his window rubbing his temples unconsciously. He oaused, and opened his mouth to apologize, but-

"At least you're not dead." The young girl spoke quietly, but steadily.

He stopped dead, looking into her eyes he saw nothing but pain and sadness. "What did you say?"

She placed her bag on the ground and lowered herself on to the chair next to his hospital bed. "You're not dead. Lucy is."

He closed his eyes cursing himself silently, "You knew Lucy?"

"Yeah," she spoke tersely, her jaw tightening, "she was my best friend. Ms. Knight sent me from Boston to come talk to you. She went back this morning, had some things to do back home. Wanted me to tie up a few loose ends."

God you are such an ass, he berated himself. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"Dr. Carter. You know what, don't. Don't be sorry. You've had a lot-" she stopped herself, "well a hell of a lot more that, to deal with these past few days and you have every reason to be angry and bitter. Just know that you're not the only one affected here. For minute, I want you to see this from my perspective. Ms. Knight's perspective, every member of her family. You're not alone here, and you know what? I wish it was me in that hospital bed in pain rather than you."

He looked up again. "Why?"

"Because you don't have to . . ." She trailed off and padded slowly over to the arm chair by the window, gathering her thoughts. She paused and watched the cars speeding by on the roads below. "You get another chance Dr. Carter. You'll get to smile again, you'll get to walk again, and you'll get to live again. You can move on, you should," she turned to him, "but that is not going to happen if you sit here thinking 'what if?' all the time." She stopped and dragged a fingertip through the condesation along the window sill. "It hurts so much having to say goodbye. More than any physical pain and . . . and I've gotta be the one to keep it together." Tears were falling steadily now and she looked him in the eye. "You don't have to call all of Lucy's relatives and friends and tell the story over and over about how she was murdered by her patient. You don't have to take your best friend's body back home to bury her forever." She took a deep breath steadying herself, as !

she was rapidly losing control. "I have to deliver the eulogy. I have to stand in front of everyone who loved her and talk about her life. But I guess none of that is as hard as having to be the one standing there watching Ms. Knight, who is one of the strongest, most independent people in the world, falling apart at the seams. I feel so useless and hopeless becasuse no amount of comforting can ease her pain and I'm graspng at straws trying to desperately keep myself from crumbling apart.

A two years ago I underwent chemo to get rid of Hodgkins, and I saw so many kids dying. It was horrible." She fiddled with the silver ring on her finger. "I am eighteen years old, but I've seen so much already. But definitely the last thing I ever thought I'd have to go through . . . is the death of my bestfriend." She stared up at the ceiling, holding back the tears. Thank god for water cohesion.

Carter was speechless. No matter how hard he fought, images to Lucy flittered through his mind. Every single memory, every single thought, and he and Mackenzie sat there in silence. A loud commotion sounded from the hall way shattering the peaceful yet somber atmosphere. Carter heard the muffled voice of Dr. Benton and the wheeling of a gurney to the ICU.

"I should probably go. I'll come back later, I think need some time to chill." Mackenzie rose hastily snatching her bag up from the cold tile floor. "I'll see you Dr. Carter."

"Yeah see ya," he said, but she was gone.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

He pushed open the door rolling up his sleeves. What the hell is taking her so long? He entered surprised to see all the lights off. All the beds were empty. A card lying on the floor caught his eye. He bent and picked it up. It was a valentine for Lucy from Yosh. Carter smiled. Maybe I should have gotten her something. A blade cut through his back, then again. He groaned, touching his hand to his back he felt warm blood on his finger tips. Flashes of white spots clouded his eyes. He called out for help, but everything was becoming a little fuzzy and he fell to the ground. Come on. Get up body! He tried to rise but his body fought his orders and he collapsed again, eyes closed. The linoleum floor was cold against his cheek. Darkness was creeping up on him and he forced his eyes open. What he saw scared him more than anything in his entire life. Lucy lay there in a pool of blood that kept growing. Oh god. "Lu-Lucy." He managed. She couldn't speak, her e!

yes just full of fear and shock. Carter panicked, suddenly faced with the possibility of a life without her. Her eyes fell shut. No. No, Lucy stay awake. Please. Please don't leave me.

"Carter?" A voice came dimly in his head.

"Lucy?" He groaned.

"No it's Benton. Carter, man. Wake up." The voice repeated insistently.

Carter cracked open his eyes and Benton's face flooded his vision. "Dr. Benton?" his voice came out hoarse. He glanced out the window and saw the last rays of sunshine disappearing.

"Yeah. How you holding up?" Benton asked flipping through Carter's chart.

"Pretty good. The pain meds are helping out a bit. I'm feeling a lot better."

"Carter?"

"Yeah."

"You suck at lying."

"Huh?" Carter straightened.

"Man, you just called me Lucy. What's going on?"

Carter remained silent looking away from Benton's stern expression.

"Carter, you really ought to start talking to a counselor about what happened. You can't get back to work if your head's not there."

"I'm fine Dr. Benton. Really."

Benton closed his former student's chart. "What has you rattled? You seemed to be coping fine these past few days."

"A friend of her's dropped by earlier. She's supposed come by again later."

"What she say?" Benton asked mildly curious.

"A lot. She's here to take Lucy's body back to Boston for her funeral."

"Oh."

"Dr. Benton?" A nurse stood at the door way. "There's a GSW to the chest and abdomen going up to the OR."

"Where's Romano?"

"Already in surgery with Corday. You're the only one."

"Okay." He stood up and hung Carter's chart up by the door again. "I'll see you later man?"

"Sure." Carter waited for Benton's footsteps to fade away. He pushed back the starch white sheets and swung his feet off the bed slowly. He rose and latched on to his crutch which stood beside his bed. Walking slowly, he made his way to the closet and pulled down a small plastic basket containing his keys and wallet. He returned to his bed wincing as he stretched his back slightly. He shook it off and pulled the covers back over his legs. Carter turned the basket upside down, spilling the contents on to his lap. Gingerly, he lifted up his worn brown leather wallet. He flipped past all the credit cards until he found the small pictures he kept hidden in a back compartment. One by one he laid them out. One of him and Chase, one of his grandparents, his parents, his cousin Barbara, and the one he was searching for. Him and Lucy. Jerry must have snapped it when the two of them were in the midst of an argument because Lucy had her hands on her hips, right eyebrow arc!

hed irritably. He was obviously agitated too, with his arms crossed over his chest and tightened jaw. Both had fake smiles pasted on their faces. Carter allowed himself a small smile. Even after everything it could still bring a smile. He ran his thumb over her hair studying her expression carefully. God, she could really get under his skin. More than anyone he ever met. Her blue eyes were darker than usual like they always were when she was angry with him, and her sandy blonde hair seemed to glow under the harsh fluorescent lights by the admit desk.

Unexpectedly, his stomach growled and his head snapped up to the wall clock hanging slightly askew. 6:08. Dinnertime. He had told the nurses that they needn't bring his meals to the room, he would just eat in the cafeteria. He hated being waited on, especially when he could get around just fine. Pushing himself from the bed, he reached for his wheelchair. At that moment his legs chose to give out and he collapsed awkwardly to the floor crying out in pain. "Dammit!" he cried out touching his hand to his back as if he could remove the pain.

A pair of Nike clad feet appeared before his face. "Dr. Carter! Oh my god, are you all right?" Mackenzie pushed aside the wheelchair and knelt down beside him.

"Define fine." He gritted.

"Being able to maintain sarcasm." She quipped holding out her hand.

Carter hesitated before grasping her hand. With a grunt of exertion, they pulled him to his feet, and Mackenzie hurriedly slid the wheelchair beneath him. "Thanks."

"No prob." She smiled weakly. "What are you doing up anyway?"

Carter's stomach grumbled again.

"Ah. Dinner?"

He nodded. "I was heading to the caf."

"Want some company?" Mackenzie said as more of an order than a question. In a way so familiar to him.

"I'm not great company currently Mackenzie."

"Doesn't matter. Here take my bag." Mackenzie swung her duffel bag into his lap. "Direct me where to go." She pushed the chair into the hall. "Oh, and call me Mack though, it's weird hearing my full name."

He nodded. "Okay, just right to the end to the hall then take another right. Call me Carter." He smiled.

Mack wheeled Carter quickly down the hall. Truth of the matter was that she was a little hungry herself. After she had left the hospital before she hopped on the EL to a mall and spent a few meaningless hours browsing the stores feeling horrible about her behaviour that afternoon. She had lost complete control and that never happened. She followed Carter's direction and she pushed her way past a group of nurses engrossed in a conversation, into the caf.

Carter spoke, "Buffet's that way." He pointed to the left to the long counters offering steaming pizza, thick wedges of french fries, and of course the large pots of self-serve hot soups. His mouth watered. He glanced up at Mack and caught the dazed expression on her face before she tried to hide it with yet another forced smile. "Do you ever smile genuinely?"

"Not anymore." She murmured. "Too much effort."

"I can wheel myself." Carter rested his hands on the wheels.

"Whatever." She let go of the handles and swung her bag from his lap to her shoulder. "So what are you having?" she inquired as they made their way past a few exhausted looking med students.

"Pizza." He answered almost immediately. "And fries. Maybe salad and soup. Ooh!" he spotted slices of cheesecake rotating in a fridge. "And maybe a little cheesecake to polish it off."

Mack raised her eyebrows dubiously, "You sure that's enough? I mean there's still a whole caf you can clean out."

"Haha. Very funny Lucy." He froze realizing his words. Oh my god. He ran his hand through his hair unconsciously. Habit he picked up from his brother when he was growing up. He opened his mouth to apologize. A reflex mostly.

"Forget about it." She cut in continuing on unfazed. "Truthfully, I'm really hungry myself. Come on sit 'n spin." She walked away to the steaming food.

Carter shifted in his seat before following her. He piled items on to his tray absently handing his meal card one of the nurses had given him. Mack quickly paid and the two walked into the bustle of doctors and med students inhaling their meals as fast as possible. Carter spotted a free table by the large windows. Winding and weaving through the masses balancing his tray on his knees, he breathed a sigh as he reached the obviously vinyl veneer caf table. He snickered inwardly as he looked behind him. Mack wasn't having as much success fighting through. He could hear her utter several "sorrys", frustrated.

"Lot of people." She put down her tray.

"Yeah." He responded seizing his fork. They ate their meal in silence, listening to small pieces of conversations and looking out the window. Carter was lost in thought and his eyes glazed over, almost anxious. Maybe it was the fact that should he turn, Lucy would be standing right there. Her eyes carrying so much meaning and her voice going on about something or other, him only partly listening to the words. Then it came again. That nasty little demon with the name reality. When he turned around, she wouldn't be there. She wouldn't be getting angry with him when she realized he wasn't listening. She was gone. Forever. A thump rocked the table and his eyes fell on Mack. She had her bag on the table and was unzipping it.

"Special delivery Carter." She said and pulled out two items bound by an elastic.

He took them, handling it carefully. A video tape and dark blue envelope emblazoned with an airline logo. He looked at Lucy's friend questioningly. "What is this?"

"Okay. Now you're probably going to think that she and I were morbid, which we were, but bear with me."

He nodded.

"The tape is her goodbye."

"Her goodbye." He said slowly.

Mack gave him a stern look that said 'Shut up and let me finish' and continued. "When I was hospitalized for the chemo, Lucy and I were in the first year of med school-"

"Med school?" Carter sputtered. There was no way this girl was even old enough to have graduated from high school!

"I'm sorry, but this is a pet peeve of mine, could you please not cut me off?" Mack growled in frustration. "Yes. The answer to your question is yes. I am a second year resident in the emergency department at the Boston University Hospital. I suffer from the Doogie Howser syndrome. Now, anymore questions before I continue?" He made no move. "Anyway, in the hospital where she was doing some volunteer work and we met this man. About late twenties, and he was dying of leukemia. Long story short, he died, and his family and his wife obviously didn't get along. Turned out that he didn't have a will made up and they argued for hours. The parents were angry because he didn't tell them he was in the hospital and they didn't get to say goodbye. That was when Lucy and I came up with this pact. Every year at Christmas we would make up these videos. Our goodbyes, should something happen. We filmed a video for each of our close friends and family so that nothing would be !

left unsettled. Unsaid."

Carter picked at the stark white label on the tape's side and he noticed Lucy had written his name on it. It wasn't the poor excuse for legible scrawl that she used on medical charts, it was elegant cursive. Writing she only used on letters to her mother. He refused to meet Mack's eyes, but said, "So this is it?"

"Yup."

"And this?" He removed the elastic and raised the envelope.

"That," she began piling the plastic and foam eating utensils into a neat pile on the tray, "is a plane ticket. Two way. Here to Boston, then back. We-Ms. Knight and I want you to come to the funeral."

A familiar lump lodged itself in his throat, "I can't," he muttered. He dropped the tape and ticket on the table and wheeled himself as quickly as he could, away. He could hear the young girl's voice calling to him, voice tinted with exasperation, but he forged on. She caught up anyway.

"Hey!" She ran alongside his chair, "Stop moving so fast!"

He kept going, gulping back the tears.

"I said HEY!" She grabbed a handle and swung him around sharply. It was a miracle he didn't tumble out. "What's wrong?" her voice had softened, "other than the obvious."

"I can't. I can't go." He shook his head, trying to keep the desperation from his trembling voice.

"Do you think I want to do this? Do you think I want to say goodbye to her?" she regarded him with mixed emotions. "Either way, this isn't about you or I want. You are the only person to be with Lucy so much this past year and a half. Ms. Knight needs you there." She breathed, "Lucy needs you there."

He was numb inside. His heart was crumbling at the finality that the funeral would bring. He knew he had to go, but he was scared out of his wits. "I don't think I can. Dr. Benton won't let me out of the hospital." He offered feebly.

"That's no problem," Mack straightened and regained her composure. "I spoke to him and he agreed that you should come. Take a break from Chicago. He told me that you're recovering well and you can walk pretty well with a crutch. You're backed into a corner Carter. So are you in or are you out. Plane's leaving 5 p.m. tomorrow."

The choices turned in his head and the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. "I'll come."

"Good." She placed the video and plane ticket in his hands. "I'll be here at 3 tomorrow. You better be ready." She walked away.

He waited until she disappeared into the elevator before rolling to his room. Opening the closet again, he pulled a TV and VCR set from it. His eyes searched the room for an outlet and found one beside his bed. Rising from the wheelchair, he plugged the set in and popped the tape into the slot. He perched on the bed, checking to make sure the door was locked before hitting play. The black and white static was replaced by a blue screen. Then the image popped onto the screen. A well lit room, with a cream-coloured couch against the wall. Voices formed.

"Come on Luce! I'm filming!" Mack shouted.

Lucy shouted back. "Then hit pause!"

"No. There's no time. We have to leave for dinner in ten minutes and I still have to change. So get you're butt in here. NOW!"

"I'm coming you brat." Loud thuds sounded, presumably the footsteps of Lucy running down stairs. She hopped on to the screen trying to slip a black sandal on to her left foot. She was dressed in a full length silvery gray slip dress, her hair held back by jeweled clips shaped like miniature roses.

Carter mouth went dry.

Mack said, "Took you long enough Luce."

"Go away."

"Fine." Mack stomped away and Lucy sat down on the sofa.

"Hey Carter," she said fiddling with the hem of her dress. "God this is weird. You probably think this is creepy, huh?"

He smiled.

"You know what? I've spent the entire week-end trying to figure out what to say and I can't remember a word of it." She chuckled. "This is awkward considering that I don't know how I'm going to die. Or is it died? I'm guessing that I've already died if you're watching this and taking all that into account I'm just going to avoid the whole subject," she rambled on in one breath.

"You've met Mack by now too, right? Be careful around that kid, she may be a genius but she's the world's biggest klutz too." Lucy smiled relaxing into her normal self. "It's bizarre really. I baby-sat her growing up and now she's a second year resident, while I'm-or was only a fourth year med student."

"Hey Luce," Mack interrupted, "Done yet?"

"It's only been a minute." Lucy reprimanded. "Go away."

"Grump."

"Oh yeah, it's a special experience knowing her." Lucy winked.

John Carter laughed. Genuinely.

"I should probably get on to the important stuff now before Mack comes back." Lucy shifted nervously gathering her wits and courage together. "Remember that whole Exam 6 debacle?" She shook her head, "Of course you do, stupid question. After you gave the 'We should just be friends,' speech, I told you that I agreed because you weren't my type and that we weren't compatible.

I lied. I'm sorry."

Carter stared at the screen and lifted his hand to brush her image with his thumb. The tears began to fall again.

"I know that this isn't fair of me to tell you this now, but the truth is I've always been afraid." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "By telling you this way, I don't ever have to know if you don't feel the same way. I'm a chicken, I realize that but . . ." she trailed off and a small smile crept over her face. "I remember my first day at County, and how utterly confusing and overwhelming it was. I had no idea what the hell I was doing or where I was in the hospital, and on top of all that there was this gorgeous but horribly. . . grumpy. . . resident." She laughed. "And he ended up being my teacher. In your own words Carter, very few people drive me crazy the way you do, but I learned so much from you and no matter how badly we got along, you were there for me. And I thank you."

"Lucy." Carter whispered to her unresponding image.

Lucy continued. "You helped me more than you could ever imagine, from my Ritalin addiction to just helping me pass my ER rotation, and all that," she waved her arm, "just made it harder to deal with the fact that you would never be mine. Maybe it's right this way. Maybe all the obstacles in front of us would be too strong for us to overcome, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm completely, ass-backwards in love with you." She closed her eyes and gathered her resolve. "I love you John Carter. From the moment I first saw you, I loved you." She rose from the cream sofa and walked straight up to the camera, her eyes gazing sadly into the lens. "Good bye."

Black and white static.