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Moving On Yet Holding Back

February 14 2001

CCGH

"Hey Carter, are you gonna be ok?" Kerry looked concerned when she walked in to find John staring at the window. Only she had come in 20 minutes before to see him in the same position not noticing that she had been watching him for quite some time then and the same thing now. "John?" she walked over slowly and nudged his shoulder. "Hey, you ok?"

"Huh,......what? uh-yea did you say something Dr. Weaver?"

"I asked if you were ok? What's wrong?" she wanted to hear it but didn't know if he was thinking about what she thought he was.

"1 year ago exactly, Lucy didn't know she would die in 6 hours." he stopped there and his tears started to slowly build. He started to play with something in his hands. It was a picture of Lucy and him one week before the incident. Lucy had been doing a great job in the ER and was thinking of taking the ER sub-I when she learned she had qualified for it. She was so excited. The two pitched in together to order 8 pizzas for the entire ER and sodas. They decided to take a picture after much persuading on her part.

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"Come on Carter one picture it wont kill you. I promise painless!" she was tugging at his arm towards Jerry who held a new camera in his hands hoping he'd get to use it.

"fine" he didn't want her to have a picture of him looking the way he did all his hair messed up and his clothes dirty and wrinkled. But when he saw her puppy face he couldn't turn it down. He put his arm around her shoulder and she around his. They tilted their heads together and smiled with sodas in their hands.

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He flipped over the picture. On the back it had an inscription. Kerry looked closer. It was hard to see at first due to the lack of light but she soon made out the words 'my love forever to you John love Lucy' followed by the date of the picture. She felt her own tears gather in her eyes. He too read the inscription apparently for not the first time because the paper had been touched Kerry could tell. He looked up from the picture and folded it in half. He placed it in the chest pocket of his lab coat.

"I loved her. I just didn't know it."

"I know. but, you have to move on from this. Do you think Lucy would cry over you now if you had died?" He knew Lucy wouldn't do that. She probably would've hated him now considering the last words he said to her while she wasn't on a gurney with her throat exposed. He had been too cruel to her. Even if he was stressed he regretted it instantly when he yelled at her. He just didn't want to admit that out loud.

"I hope she would."

"She's gone John. Face it. It was never your fault."

"I know"

"A-and you can't blame yourself in anyway"

"I know"

"I don't care what you say, even if you two had eloped the day before the same thing would've happened"

"Kerry, I know" he raised his voice a little. "I should get back to work" Maybe it would clear up his head.

"Oh, um I'll save you some time. The things Lucy's mom didn't take are in my office in a box next to the filing cabinet" He turned around and couldn't make out a smile though he was inside thanking her that she would clue him in as to what she left behind. He just nodded and left for her office. When Kerry left She erased his name off of the board for all of his patients and replaced it with her own. "Give me any charts for Carter's patients tonight Jerry"

"Uh, sure" he marked that down paying attention to every word she said. He had always been like that. Hearing every word someone said. Even if they were cursing he probably remembered it. She grabbed several charts some her own others were Carter's and she headed off to an exam room for 3 young children vomiting and scratching themselves raw. 'Oh this'll be a great nigh' she thought..............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Kerry Weaver's office~~~~~~~~~~~

John looked everywhere the box could possible be. How many filing cabinets can one doctor have??? There must have been 12. Finally after searching countless numbers of boxes he found one that didn't contain a medical journal or document. He found her diary. Of all things to find he found the one book that contained all of her thoughts. The woman he had loved the most wrote down her most precious thoughts in this diary. Sadly though when he opened it all he found was a picture of her on her birthday as a child. God she was adorable then. He put the book gently down and found yet another journal. This one more grown up than the last. It read a quote Lucy used often: 'It is the friends you can call at 4 am that really count'. Now he knew where she had found it. The lock had the key attached to it. It was tied in a bag. Obviously Lucy hadn't put it there. He slowly opened the lock with shaking hands and countless efforts. Finally he found pages full of her beaut!

ifully neat handwriting. It was printed so it was very readable. He took the box which wasn't too large so he didn't think people would be suspicious when he carried it to his car. He looked at Kerry on his way out with the sealed box in his arms. She only waved him on. "Get some sleep and feel better Carter" she covered when she noticed some of the staff staring at them. They shrugged it off when they heard her say feel better. He smiled and left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Carter's house~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Carter had gotten his own place closer to the hospital he had much more privacy. It was a town house but he still had more privacy than his grandparents place or the last apartment. He closed the door with his foot as he sat in his bedroom and plopped onto the soft bed. He turned on a lamp light and pulled on a blanket after changing into a pair of sweat pants and a t shirt. Now he could read it. He felt somewhat guilty reading it but he just couldn't stand having it in such close reach and not opening it. So he did:

*October 13 1999,

well, I don't think starting off with 'dear diary' would be so appropriate. I want to consider this a record of my ER rotation in medical school. Maybe someday my kids will see this. *

Lucy wouldn't have kids. He returned to the reading.

* First I want to say, I can't wait until I graduate. I'm having a great time in med school no doubt, but I want to be able to finally help someone. I do now but its pretty much Dr. Carter doing the helping. He's my teacher. He's amazing the man does it all. Including screaming at me. But, I'm sure he means well. He had a tough teacher himself, though I wish he would stop being like Dr. Benton or blaming his sour moods on him. Aside from the yelling, he's a great teacher, and a GORGEOUS guy. I can't believe I think that about my teacher! I can't think that. the last time we felt that way Chuny walked in on us kissing in an exam room. Exam 6 to be exact. I'll never forget that. When he kissed me I felt, I don't know incredible. Maybe it was just hot in the room but maybe it was him. I can't believe I just wrote that. Too bad its in pen and I don't have white out right now. Still though that was the way I felt. I can't help it. I fell for him I admit it. Bu!

t, why is it that the only guy I'm interested in is off limits for me?! It's not fair. But neither is life. So, I better leave it at that.

Love always,

Lucy *

That was one entry he wouldn't forget. He had no idea she felt that way about him. He felt the same way. He just never told her because she hadn't objected to his saying they weren't compatible. He would have in a second.

"We could Just have sex?" She had said that once. He didn't think clearly. He wanted more than just sex. He knew she was joking but he was too panicked to realize then. If only she wasn't his student. He would have pursued more than just sex with her. He hoped she would have done the same. The next entry was for another time. He closed the diary and turned out the light. "Goodnight Lucy, I Love you" and with that he went to sleep.

After sleeping for 9 hours Carter woke up with a slow flutter of his eyes. The first thing that caught his eyes was the diary. He reached for it and tucked it in a drawer. he didn't want to think of something he couldn't have. But before he went to work. He said: "I hope I save a few lives today Luce" and he shut the door hoping to catch the El in time.