| You know what hurts most? It's not death, or torture, or any sort of violence imaginable. It's not getting your heart broken, or hurting the one girl -- or woman -- you love most in the universe. Nothing hurts the most. You know what that's like? Nothing. I do. Nothing's like nothing you ever imagined. It's this thing that's where you used to be. Instead of you, there's Nothing. Nothing happened for me today. I wasn't supposed to survive the Ascension. I'm sure of that. But I did. We had a big party afterwards, and Willow....she had this look on her face, this smile that took up half her face and just lit up the room like a beacon. It was amazing. She is amazing. She turned to look at me, and.... She looked right through me. Willow looked right through me. Because, y'see, Oz was standing behind me. And me, well, I wasn't important any more. Nothing's important right now. Nothing is, in fact, the most important thing in my life right now. Nothing keeps me safe at night. Nothing comforts me in my time of troubles. Nothing holds my heart close and warms it. Nothing is damn wonderful. And the most wonderful, wonderful part about it all is that I'll never be alone. Because wherever I go, I know I'll always have it. Nothing. Nothing I can really trust, and love, and never hurt. Nothing's beautiful. Nothing is who I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing's what I live for. Willow's here. She looks concerned. "Xander," she asks, "have you been drinking?" I look over at the shot glass and the bottle of Jack Daniels. Willie was very kind in leaving it. But then, I would have done Nothing to him if he hadn't. "Y'know Wills," I say, "it's not really any of your concern." I get up, stretch my arms grandiosely to take in the whole bar. I spin slowly, taking it all in: Willow, the empty bar, Willie, Jack, Willow. I pick up the bottle in my fist and wave it in her general direction. "Jack here was just helping me meet a friend of my Dad's." Willow looks awful. "Xander, what's wrong? Please tell me what's wrong. I'll --" "Nothing's wrong, Will," I say. "Y'HEAR ME?!" I yell. "NOTHING. IS. WRONG!" "Xander," she says, "you're scaring me." "Nothing to be afraid of, Wills." I explain it. "I've got Nothing, and you've got Oz. So we're even." I smile. "Nothing's going to be with me for a long, long time." She's crying. Willow's crying. I almost touch her, but then I remember. Nothing can happen between us. Nothing is already happening. So I hug her. After all, Nothing's happening. "Don't worry, Wills." I reassure her. "Nothing's not going to happen to you." "Xander?" She's scared, confused. Better than Nothing. She looks at the bottle in my hand, breathes me in. "Hey," she says. "you haven't drunk anything." "No," I say. "Nothing happened." I shift to look right at her. "Nothing is terrible, you know?" She looks back. Nothing is in her eyes. Nothing but confusion, and pain, and sorrow. Nothing does that. I hug her fiercely. "I love you more than Nothing," I say. "Even though Nothing is a bigger part of my life than you right now." "Xander, I --" "What, Wills?" She looks at me, and the feelings in her eyes settle on sadness. "Nothing," she says. She keeps looking at me, and still, I feel Nothing. It's awful. Quickly, she reaches up and pecks me on the cheek. Nothing goes away. "Let's go, OK?" Willow reaches for her coat and motions toward the door. She announces to me and Willie, and all the world, "Nothing happened here. Got that?" We nod. I put down the drink and the glass and I ask Willie how much I owe. "Nothing," he says. I reach into my pocket and hand him a penny. "Gee thanks," he says. "For nothing," he mutters. I shake my head as we leave. "What was that about?" Willow asks. I smile briefly and say, "Nobody should have Nothing." |
| NOTHING |