| Xander gingerly touched the bruise that was forming on his cheek, looking at it in his mirror. The area was moist and sticky from his tears. 18 years and he still cried each time. It had become worse since his mom had started up again. She was clean for almost a year, but then it just happened again. And tonight, as she lay downstairs, asleep, his dad had got so mad that he had threatened her, which made Xander’s blood boil. He shouldn’t have challenged him. He asked for it. But that didn’t make it hurt any less. His eyes shifted from the mirror to the desk behind him. He saw his papers, a couple of forgotten textbooks, a half-hidden copy of Playboy, twinkie wrappers, and his pictures. The only things that were clean. He realized with a painful smile that it almost looked like a shrine, these framed, shiny pictures rising out of a sea of garbage. There were six on the desk, one beside his bed. He studied each one carefully, as his face blurred in the mirror and the pictures came into focus. There was one of himself, Buffy, and Willow, in the park, lying down together, smiling. It was taken the first year they met Buffy, when he still lived oblivious to his best friend's feelings and when he saw Buffy as a goddess. When Willow had faded. Not a time he liked to remember. That was when he broke Willow’s heart. Old picture on the shelf Been there for a while Frozen image of ourselves We were acting like a child The next was taken a year before that, on the breach of their loss of innocence. In it, he was smiling, his arms around Willow. Jesse stood behind them, holding a water balloon high, smiling devilishly. He had kicked Jesse’s ass for that one. Innocence, in a trance A dance that lasted for a while You read my eyes just like your diary Oh remember, please remember There were 2 recent ones, one of Buffy and Willow with ice-cream cones, and of them as a group beside the miniature golf course. Buffy and Willow were laughing, smiles frozen in time. Cordelia was picture perfect, and looked genuinely happy, for once. Oz had his half hinted smile on, standing protectively beside Willow. He remembered that day. It was one of their double dates, only a week or so before Homecoming...and the fluke. Well I’m not a beggar, but once more If I hurt you then I hate myself I don’t want to hate myself, don’t want to hurt you Why do you choose that pain? If you only knew how much I love you He smiled at the one of him and Willow holding hands before the eighth grade coalition. He looked uncomfortable in his suit and she was beaming, flushed. Another one of him and Willow, when they were 7 or so, playing in the inflatable pool. Willow’s indignation as he splashed her, and his joy and mischievous smile as the water flew from his hands. I won’t be your winter, I won’t be anyone’s excuse to cry We can be forgiven I will be here He broke his gaze from the pictures on his desk, and walked over to his bed. He sat down heavily, and picked up the single photo in it’s silver frame from the table next to his bed. In this picture, there was only Willow. She was smiling at something the camera couldn’t catch. Her auburn hair, cut to shoulder length, was glinting as if on fire, and blowing slightly in the breeze. He remembered taking the picture, catching her off guard, and remembered her false anger and embarrassment afterward. She was alive in this picture, like she was ready for something, waiting for something. He kissed her face, ignoring the pain in his cheek as it hit the cool glass. His tears began again, not for the pain, but for Willow. For her lost innocence. For her beauty, for her life, for her love, the things he tried to protect her from, and failed. He cried for what he had lost when she chose Oz. You’re one of God’s better people And you don’t know That’s why you’re special And I cry so I can talk like this From my downbeat existence And I know that you can make my wish If my wish is pure You’re one of God’s better people And you don’t know That’s why you’re special It must hurt to see your favourite man Lose himself again and again And I know that you’re my only friend From way back when My wish was pure It was oh so pure It was pure I couldn’t love you more And everybody’s going to step aside As you spread your wings and you will fly And take me to the other side Where they know ‘Cos I don’t know no more I just don’t know no more I don’t know Let me love you more Now I can’t live this without you I’d die without you Without you without you Breathless, Willow stopped, stood still. The rain beat down on her head, her auburn hair soaked and dripping, hanging in trails on her face. She couldn’t tell the rain from her tears that slipped down her pink, flushed cheeks. She should be cold; the rain came to Sunnydale as a surprise and she was dressed for summer, but as her heart raced, her blood beat desperately, warming her. She looked up at the window on the second floor of the grey and slightly dingy house that stood in front of her. The light was on, the glass shut tightly on the rain and the outside world. Shut on Willow herself. The rain beat steadily against it. She didn’t know why she was here. Didn’t know why she had come. She barely knew why she was crying. All she knew was that she had never been so scared in her life. The feeling had come to her as she was talking to Oz on the phone. She dropped the phone from her ear, and it crashed to the floor of her bedroom. She heard Oz’s confused voice calling her name, but she ignored it. Couldn’t bring herself to pick the phone up again. Her hands were clenched, her heart pounding. She shut her eyes as the cold charged over her, making her shake violently. The fear rushed through her body, and the only thought that filled her mind was Xander. She called his name out, and then ran out of the house, barely registering the sound of Oz’s worry and then the click of his receiver. As she stood now, looking at the house that had been the source of so much of Xander’s fears, his despair, the place that so many of their childhood fantasy getaways derived from, she wondered when her house had stopped being his refuge. She knew his problems hadn’t stopped; if anything, they had got worse, and she wondered when she had let him down. When it had begun. She couldn’t make herself go to him. She knew he needed her, and she couldn’t go to him. It hurt her too much. She had made her choice. She loved Oz. There was no question that she did. But Xander was hers. Always. Her one. “Willow!” She started at the noise, and turned, coming face to face with Oz. “Willow, what are you doing here?” “Oz?” She was confused. This was Xander’s place. He was invading. It was their place. “Willow...baby? Are you okay?” He put his coat around her shoulders as he spoke. She realised then that she was shivering. “I...I needed...” Willow looked back at Xander’s window, and this time she saw him. He was standing there, looking down at her. His cheek was swollen and blue, and he clutched a picture frame to his chest. He raised a hand up to the window, pressing his palm against the glass. The rain blurred the lines and definition of his fingers. “Willow, let’s get you inside.” Oz sounded very far away. He took her hand and started to lead her down the street in the direction that she had run from just a few minutes ago with an urgency she had never felt before. I’m not the sort of person Who falls in and quickly out of love But to you I gave my affection Right from the start “Xander...” The name was a whisper, barely escaping her lips. The tight grip on Willow’s hand loosened. I have a lover, who loves me How could I break such a heart? And still you get my attention “Willow...” She could read his lips, even through the blinding rain hammering at his window. Why do you come here? When you know I’ve got troubles enough Why do you call me? When you know I can’t answer the phone “Please, Willow...the rain...you need to get inside.” Oz was pleading now. Why couldn’t Willow move? She knew she should go inside, go with Oz. It was cold, it was raining, she would get sick...why couldn’t she turn away? Make me lie When you know I don’t want to And make someone else Some kind of an unknowing fool You make me stay, When I should not Are you so strong, Or is it all the weakness in me? She felt herself walk towards Oz, dreamlike. She didn’t recognise anything. She lifted her hand to her cheek in an unconscious movement. Xander did the same. Willow whimpered a bit from the pain, and didn’t even think about where the pain was coming from. Why do you come here, And pretend to be just passing by? But I need to see you And I need to hold you I need Pictures flashed in front of Willow’s eyes. Photos...memories, more clear than her surroundings. Xander needed her... Feeling guilty, worried, Waking from a tormented sleep There’s an old love, has me bound But this new love cuts deep “Willow...inside or out? Come on baby, choose.” Oz’s question wasn’t clear. Inside or out...Oz or Xander? Everything was fuzzy. If I choose now, I’ll lose out One of you has to fall And I need you, and you “Yes....” Willow murmured under her breath. Her eyes were still locked with Xander’s, her hand clasped to Oz’s. Oz heard her answer and started to lead her away. Xander’s gaze was steady, unfaltering. “I can’t...” she whispered again. Xander nodded and turned away, disappearing from view. Willow was frantic, her breath raced. “Xander?” Her voice was louder now. The house, the window, was fading from view. Oz still pulled her along, his hand comforting. The fear pushed through her again, and she let out a shaky sob. She dropped Oz’s hand. He stopped, confused. “Willow? What’s wrong?” “I need....Xander...he needs me now. I have to go.” The clarity was returning to her, her voice steadier. “Willow...if you go now...I don’t think I can wait.” Oz looked at her, his green eyes conveying what he meant. “I know. I’m sorry. I love you.” “I know Willow. That’s why it hurts.” He stepped back, held her gaze for a moment longer, and then turned away. She watched his retreating back for a moment, before turning and racing back to the grey house, the childhood prison. The rain was slowing down. She hopped the steps, and raised her fist to knock at the door. It opened before her hand could connect. Xander stood in front of her, meeting her gaze. There was a silence, broken only by the thudding rain. “I...you called me...you needed me?” It was more of a statement than a question. “You heard.” He smiled. The corners of her lips turned up. “I’ve got 20/20 hearing.” “Since when?” “Since I started listening to my heart.” At her words, he reached out his hand. She slipped her damp one into his, and led him outside, where the downpour had been reduced to a drizzle. “Where are we going?” Xander asked, even though he already knew. “I’m saving you. They can’t hurt you if you’re with me. Nothing can.” “My hero.” He kissed her lightly on the forehead. “I do my best.” And they both knew that was enough. Inside my skin, there is this space It twists and turns, it bleeds and aches Inside my heart, there’s an empty room It’s waiting for lightning, it’s waiting for you And I am wanting And I am needing you here Inside the absence of fear There is this hunger, this restlessness inside of me And it knows that you’re no stranger, you’re my gravity My hands will adore you through, all darkness aim They will lay you out in moonlight and reinvent your name For I am wanting I am needing you here I need you near Inside the absence of fear |
| THE HAVEN |