“On Our Own”
Episode Fourteen (#1A14)
The Gang Watches the Cats
Written by James Achaia
Scene One:
“She Snores”
Location:
The Penthouse
Characters:
The Gang
[
John, Joe, and James wake up to a loud noise]
John
[screams]: EARTHQUAKE!
James:
What’s going on?
Joe:
I’m going deaf.
James:
Make it stop.
Joe:
I don’t know what it is.
John:
It’s coming from Katie’s room.
Joe:
Maybe she’s being attacked by aliens.
John:
Yes, and her defense is sleeping.
[
Joe opens the door, the noise gets louder]
James:
Oh my God, it’s her!
Joe:
What do we do? I can’t sleep.
John:
Wake her up.
[
Joe smacks Katie on the top of the head]
Katie:
What the hell?
James:
You’re emitting high pitched noises throughout the penthouse.
John:
Yeah, you’re breaking the sound barrier.
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Cats ‘R’ Us”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: John, James, Joe, Benji
[a
loud noise begins again]
James:
And there she goes again.
Joe:
Somebody put something over her head.
John:
What could we do, she’s already sleeping at her friends house two blocks away.
[a
knock is heard at the door]
Benji:
Hey guys, open up.
[
John opens the door]
John:
It’s 5:00 AM, Benji.
Benji:
Yeah, I need a favor.
James:
No.
Benji:
But you don’t even know what it is yet.
James:
Okay, go ahead.
Benji:
Well…
James
[interrupting]: Yeah, no.
Benji:
C’mon, it’s important.
John:
What is it?
Benji:
I need you to watch the cats for a little.
John:
Well, I suppose, I mean, we are up already.
Okay, we’ll do it.
James:
Why do you always bring me into this?
John:
How do you know that I meant you?
James:
Because Joe’s hiding behind the couch, and you already thought he left.
Joe:
Damn it.
John:
C’mon, we have nothing else to do.
James:
Alright, I guess.
Benji:
Good, come in babies.
[loud
meowing begins]
Joe:
And then more noise.
Benji:
The food is in the giant swimming pool in my living room if they’re
hungry. And if they’re thirsty, each of
them have individual drinks in the kitchen, so make sure they get what they
want.
James:
Why don’t they all drink the same thing?
Benji:
Because they have to be independent.
James:
Right, because we all know who brings the beans in your house.
Benji:
They don’t like beans James.
James:
Oh my God.
John:
Don’t worry about a thing Benji, they’re in good paws…get it paws, they’re
cats, c’mon.
Benji:
Okay, bye-bye my babies, kisses to all of you…bye.
[a
lot of meowing as Benji leaves]
James:
I hate you John.
John:
Relax.
James:
I will, at the library.
John:
What, no…you can’t leave.
James:
What do you mean, I can’t leave?
John:
This was your idea.
James:
No it wasn’t.
John:
Yes it was, remember? You said no, and
I said we had nothing better to do, so…oh wait, sorry.
James:
Idiot.
Scene Three:
“Runaway”
Location: The Gang’s and Benji’s Penthouses, Pushor Avenue
Characters: John, James, Joe
Joe: Why do they
keep meowing?
James: Maybe
they’re hungry.
John: Let’s bring
them to Benji’s place so they can eat.
[they go to
Benji’s penthouse]
Joe: Look at
that giant litter box.
James: How does
he live here?
John: See, they
were hungry.
James: Fine,
nobody answer my question.
Joe [looking in
the freezer]: Hey, does anybody want any ice cream?
James: Okay.
John: Sure.
[the cats start
screaming]
Joe: I think
they’re thirsty.
James
[screaming]: NO!!!!!
John: Crap!
[ James, Joe,
and John give the cats their individual drinks]
[two hours pass]
Joe: I think
that’s all of them.
James: Hey,
there’s one extra bowl.
John: No, NO,
NO!!!
James: It says
Andy 37,413.
Joe: Hey, the
window’s open.
James: Damn,
let’s go find him.
John: What about
the cat?
James: This was
your idea, so you stay here, and me and Joe will go look for him.
John: Fine.
[ James and Joe
go out to look for the cat]
Joe: There’s a
cat.
James: That’s a
tree.
Joe: Oh.
James: Hey,
there goes an Animal Control truck…let’s ask them if they have Andy.
Joe: Wait, maybe
Andy’s in that Animal Control truck.
James
[sarcastic]: I would have never guessed that Joe.
Joe: Don’t
worry, I won’t throw it in your face.
James: Let’s go,
Mr. Newton.
[ James and Joe
walk up to the truck]
James: Excuse
me, sir. Did you happen to find a cute,
little brown and white cat? About yay
high, goes by the name Andy 37,413?
Man: Nope, only
humans in this truck.
Joe: What?
[ Joe and James
look into the back of the truck and see a bunch of people dressed up as wild
animals]
James: Okay,
well thanks anyway.
Scene Four:
“Heil Heetlar”
Location: Benji’s Penthouse
Characters: John, Uhdulph Heetlar, James, Joe
John: Hey, why
are all of you staring at me?
Angie #2: Meow.
John: What do
you mean, “I’m an Andy killer with some other serious personal problems”?
Angie #2: Meow.
John: No, that’s
Katie snoring.
[a knocking is
heard at the door and John opens it]
John: Holy
resurrection of the dead!
Uhdulph: Hey
John.
John: Oh, it’s
you.
Uhdulph: What’s
going on in here? [he mysteriously
falls asleep]
John: Um…are you
okay?
[Uhdulph is
snoring]
John: Why is
everybody snoring these days?
[Uhdulph wakes
up]
Uhdulph: All for
one, and one for all!
John: What?
Uhdulph: Are you
a servant of the Cardinal?
John: What the
hell do you mean?
[Uhdulph falls
asleep again]
John: I’m
surrounded by the weirdest people.
[ James and Joe
come back]
James: What the
Satan?
John: It’s
Heetlar.
Joe: Oh, now I
see.
James: Why is he
on top of the litter box?
John: He fell
asleep.
James: Oh.
John: Did you
find Andy?
Joe: Yes.
John: Oh thank
God, where is he?
Joe: Right here.
John: Right where?
Joe: Right next
to me.
John: No, he’s
not.
Joe: Maybe you
need glasses.
John: I’m
wearing glasses!
Joe: Maybe you
need a hearing aid.
James: We didn’t
find him.
Joe: Yes we did,
here. [he pulls out a dog bone from his
pocket]
John: That’s a
dog bone.
Joe: What? Stupid dog pound.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Kitty Search Party”
Location: Pushor Avenue
Characters: John, Joe, James
James: Where can
he be?
Joe: I already
emptied out my pockets.
John: Stop
talking.
James: Maybe the
cats will be able to find him.
John: Yeah, we
should take them out to find him.
James: Okay,
let’s go.
[The Gang walks
out, Joe pauses, looks at the freezer, and shakes his head]
James: Alright,
c’mon guys, let’s find Andy. [he starts
impersonating a cat, trying to make conversation] Meow.
Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow…meow.
John: They’re
not moving.
Joe: Well, why
don’t we pick them up and carry them around?
James
[sarcastic]: Why don’t we pick them all up and carry them around, Joe?
John: Wait,
they’re moving.
James: Alright,
let’s go.
John: They keep
stopping to look at shiny objects.
James: Joe, stop
looking at the lights.
John: Hey,
they’re splitting up.
James: Oh great,
now there’s four million cats loose and Benji’ll be home soon.
Joe: Do you hear
that?
John: Yeah.
James: We must
be in front of Katie’s friend’s house.
Joe: Tell her to
stop snoring.
James: Wake her
up.
John: Who are
you guys talking to?
James: Nobody,
apparently.
John: What are
we gonna do?
Joe: They’re
probably gonna come back home, like Lassie.
John: Lassie was
a dog.
Joe: No, she was
a frog.
James: Don’t pay
any attention to him.
John: I learned
to ignore his stupid comments.
James: There go
a couple of them, let’s follow.
Scene Six:
“Barney Fling”
Location: Katie’s friend Nikki’s house and Pushor Avenue
Characters: Katie, Nikki, John, James, Joe
[Katie wakes up
in Nikki’s house and sees Barney on the TV]
Katie: Hey
Nikki, Barney’s on.
Nikki: Do you
know you snore?
Katie: Ooh, I
love this song. [singing] I love
you…you love me. I love you
Barney…I love you.
Nikki: Um, are
you two?
Katie: Times
nine baby, yeah!
Nikki: Go home.
Katie: You think
he’s single?
Nikki: Yes, and
if you get on the 8 train, you may be able to catch him before the rerun is
over.
Katie: I’ll try.
[scene switches
to James and John]
James: Forty of
them went this way.
John:
Twenty-nine are chasing me…AHHHHH!
James: Where’s
Joe?
[scene switches
to Joe, still staring at the light, then back to John and James]
John: Forget him
for now, we have to get all of the cats back home.
[ James’s cell phone
rings]
James: Hello?
Benji: Hey guys, what’s going on? Nobody picked up the house phone.
James: Here, talk to John.
John: Hello?
Benji: Hey.
John: Hey, what’s going on?
Benji: Nothing much, how are my babies?
John: So, how’s work?
Benji: Everything is cool on this end.
John: So, I hear Katie likes you.
Benji: Really?
John: Oh yeah, she said she was dreaming about you last night.
Benji: Is that why she was snoring so loud last
night?
John: Must be.
Benji: What should I do?
John: Make your move, buy her a cat or two.
Benji: A rock oughtta do it, thanks.
Scene Seven:
“Wrong One…2…3”
Location: Pushor Avenue
Characters: The Gang, Dr. Johnson
John: Hey look,
they’re all gathered in a circle over there.
James: What are
they doing?
[ Joe runs in]
Joe: That light
was amazing! Hey, you found them.
John: They look
like they’re gonna attack the cat in the middle.
[the cats attack
the cat in the middle]
John: Ooooooh.
James: That’s
gotta hurt.
Joe: Hey,
they’re running away again.
John: You know,
anywhere else, it would be impossible to lose four million cats.
[Dr. Johnson
sees the guys]
Dr. Johnson:
What’s up guys?
James: We’re
looking for Benji’s cats.
Dr. Johnson: Oh,
I’ll just make things worse and say you’re gonna have an exam in ten
minutes. Good luck with the cat thing,
though. See you in ten…no, make it nine
minutes…hahaha.
John: Bitch.
Dr. Johnson:
Five minutes now for that, Mr. Painting.
John: Nice
goin’.
[ James, John,
and Joe go to take the exam, then go back to Benji’s house]
John: Well,
they’re not here, what are we gonna do?
[Katie enters
the room]
James: Oh, it’s
Mrs. Snores a Lot.
Katie: I had a
dream about Barney.
Joe: Really,
cool!
Katie: I know.
John: You have a
thing for Barney?
James: That’s
why she’s snoring.
John: What?
James: There was
this thing, that episodes of Barney send out this hidden message for people to
snore.
Katie: I love
him.
James: No you
don’t.
Katie: He has
reached me on a psychological level, man.
Joe [screaming]:
PIGS!!!
James: What?
Joe: Barney is a
pig.
John: That’s right!
Joe: Oink oink.
Katie: No he
isn’t. [she tackles Joe] This will teach you not to say anything
about my man again.
Joe [in a fading
voice]: Oink.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“What’s Her Dane?”
Location: Benji’s Penthouse, Pushor Avenue
Characters: The Gang, a dog owner
Katie: Why are all the cats outside the window?
James: They’re talking to that Great Dane.
John: Angie #16,010 is on the Dane’s shoulders.
Joe: Maybe they’re dating.
John: Hey wait, they’re all outside. Let’s go get them in.
[the gang runs downstairs, but by the time they get there, the cats are gone]
John: Damn.
Katie: What’s going on? Why are you chasing the cats?
John: James decided it would be a good idea to watch the cats.
James: No I didn’t.
John: Anyway, we lost Andy #37,413.
Katie: And?
John: So we thought it would be a good idea to take the rest of the cats outside to find him, but they ran away too.
Katie: Let’s see…what would Barney do in this situation?
James: Stop.
Katie: He would sing a song. [Katie starts singing] John, it’s okay…you lost them this way…but don’t you worry…they’ll be back someday.
John: Somebody kill Barney.
Katie: NO!!! You take that back!
John: Never!
[the owner of the Great Dane comes by]
Maggie (Owner): Have you seen my dog?
James: Have you seen our four million cats?
Maggie: No.
James: Well then that’s where your dog is.
Maggie: What?
John: You’re dog ran away with our cats.
Maggie: Man, Pepper’s back to his old ways.
Katie: What do you mean?
Maggie: Pepper used to communicate with cats, and then run off and try to create a new species.
James: Benji’s gonna kill us!
John: This is your fault!
James: Who are you talking to?
John: Lefty.
[Lefty appears as if from nowhere]
Lefty: Hey guys.
James: We’re looking for cats, can’t talk.
Lefty: Well, I have a business proposition for you.
John: No more selling alcohol to minors.
Lefty: No, Benji’s cats are good customers, we sell it to them.
Joe: Hey, that’s a good idea.
Lefty: So when you see them, give them my card.
[he hands them a pile of four million cards]
Scene Nine:
“PBS Showdown”
Location: Lefty’s Bar
Characters: The Gang, Lefty
John: We
shouldn’t be sitting here in Lefty’s, we should be looking for the cats.
James: We have
to tell Benji, he’ll know what to do.
[music is heard
on the TV]
Katie: It’s my love!
Barney: Hello
boys and girls.
Katie: Hello
cutie.
James: You do
know you’re talking to a TV set, right?
Barney: Today
we’re gonna learn about being prepared.
Katie: Oh, he
does love me.
John: How so?
Katie: This is
our first episode together.
James: My brain
is gonna burst.
Joe: Let’s
cancel PBS!
John: That’s the
first good idea that’s ever come out of your mouth Joe.
Joe: No, what
about that gum that expands in your mouth every time you chew?
John: Like I
said…
James: Already
on the phone with PBS…hello, can I speak to the person who’s in charge of what
goes on the air?
Voice: Please
hold.
Lefty [on the
other end]: Hello?
James: Yes, I would like you to cancel Barney, or your whole lineup.
Lefty: You
sound familiar.
James: So do you.
Lefty: Why do
you sound so close?
James: Why do you
sound so close?
Lefty: Why
are you repeating me?
James: I’m not.
Lefty: What
do you want?
James: Not to hear or see Barney ever again.
Lefty: Why,
Barney’s good people.
James: No, he’s a dinosaur.
Lefty: So?
James: He’s a talking dinosaur, doesn’t that scare you?
Lefty: No.
James: Okay, what if a talking dinosaur came in your bar one night?
Lefty: How do
you know I have a bar?
James: That’s besides the point, answer my question.
Lefty: Well,
it depends.
James: On what?
Lefty: If
he’s a good customer or not.
James: Lefty, c’mon.
Lefty: How do
you know my name?
James: You’re right in front of me.
[Lefty looks at
James and is startled]
Scene Ten:
“Out Cold”
Location: Benji’s penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Katie: Still no
sign of the cats.
Joe: What would
be the sign of the cats?
James: A picture
of a cat.
John: You two
are idiots.
James: Well,
this is your fault.
John: Hey, let’s
not play the blame game.
Joe: Oh, I wanna
play! I blame Barney!
Katie: Jerk.
James: I blame
John!
John: I blame
John too…oh damn.
Katie: I blame
no one, that’s what Barney would say.
James: What do
you think Benji’s gonna do?
John: Flip out.
Joe: Anybody
want some of the ice cream from before?
James: Sure.
John: Okay.
Katie: Me too.
John: But you
were third.
Katie: Shut up.
Joe: Um…guys, I
found Andy #37,413.
John:
Really? Where?
Joe: In the
freezer.
James: WHAT?
Joe: He must’ve
went in when I put the ice cream away.
James: You
killed another one?
John: Remember
last time?
[ Joe flashes
back to five weeks ago:
Joe: Oh man, the cat is in the
toilet, and I really need to go the bathroom.
Andy #34,000: Meow.
Joe: I know how to get him out.
[ Joe flushes the toilet]
Joe: Oh, no, no, no, come back!
[ Joe runs out of the bathroom]
end flashback]
Joe: It was an
accident, man.
James: There are
like three other bathrooms in this place!
[Benji walks in]
Benji: Hey
guys…WHERE ARE MY CATS!
James: Well, I
can explain. John?
John: Well, you
see…
Benji
[interrupts screaming]: ANDY NO, NO, WHY THIS WAY? HE’S SO COLD!
Joe: I’m so
sorry. At least he’s not stuck in the
bathroom pipes.
Benji: Where are
the rest?
John: I don’t
know.
Benji: Well,
let’s go and find them.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
”Echolocation”
Location: Pushor Avenue
Characters: The Gang, Benji
James: What are
you doing?
John: Singing, I
think.
Benji [softly]:
Meow. Meow. Meow.
[all the cats
come running down the street along with a Great Dane]
Benji: Wait, a
dog? Great, now I have to wash them.
James: At least
you got them back.
John: We will throw
him a funeral Benji.
James: Don’t you
remember the last funeral? You just
like getting us into stuff, don’t you?
John: Don’t
worry, this time I won’t pick Father Beer.
And it’s the least we can do.
Joe: I’ll be
your cat.
Benji: Okay…oh,
we’ll have so much fun together!
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