Episode One (#1P01)
The Gang Gets a Penthouse
Characters
appearing in this episode (age order):
Non-bold
denotes non-major character
John
Painting, 16
James
Achaia, 17
Joe
Termine, 17
Hillary White,
22, Realtor
Amanda,
30-ish
Phil,
40-ish
Dr.
Stephen Howard, 53, Dean of Dayboqrx University
Scene One:
“An Avenue Named Tragedy”
Location:
Corner of Tragedy Avenue and 213th St in Dayboqrx’s Connection
district
Characters:
The Gang
James
Achaia: Do you find it the least bit disturbing that the college that we’re
gonna go to is on an avenue named TRAGEDY?
John
Painting: That’s not nearly as disturbing as the fact that this city has an
avenue named Tragedy.
Katie:
It’s like they’re asking for something
bad to happen here.
John:
Hey, I forgot my watch, our appointment is at 11:00; does anyone know what time
it is?
Joe
Termine: Uh…no, mine stopped last week.
Just ask somebody.
John: Okay [he goes up to a man
walking down Tragedy Av]. Um, sir, do you have the time?
Man: Time…what’s
that?
John: What do you mean, don’t you have a watch or something?
Man [nervous]:
Listen man, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
John: What, do
you not keep time in this city?
Man [nervous]:
Listen, get away from me, you creep. [he runs away]
James: What time
is it?
John [lying]:
Ummm, 10:45.
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the camera,
his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Who Needs a Dorm?”
Characters:
John, James, and Dr. Howard; Joe and Katie are waiting outside
Dr.
Howard: It’s so great to see you have finally made it.
John:
I know, when we overslept this morning I thought we would never get here.
Dr.
Howard: Um, I just meant it’s good to see you.
I didn’t mean anything about you being late, you’re right on time.
John:
Well in that case, I’ve never overslept in my life.
Dr.
Howard: I don’t know exactly what you are trying to say. Are you trying to astound me by saying
you’ve never overslept?
James:
Listen, I don’t want this to turn into some kind of stupid thing that costs us
a free education here.
John:
Well maybe I’m just trying to prove that I won’t be late for any classes!
Dr.
Howard: What does that have to do with anything!
John:
It has EVERYTHING to do with ANYTHING!!!
James:
Shut up John, you could be costing us everything.
[long
pause]
John
[slightly embarrassed]: Which way is the restroom?
Dr.
Howard: Take a left, third door on the right.
John:
Uh,…thanks.
[
John leaves the room]
Dr.
Howard: Wait, where are the other two?
James:
Your secretary told us that only two could go in.
Dr.
Howard: Okay, well we would like to confer with you, as you look like the sane
one for the time being about housing.
James:
Right, the sane one……go ahead.
Dr. Howard:
Well, would you be interested in a dorm room or will you be staying off-campus?
James: I’m gonna
go with off campus.
Dr. Howard: We
were expecting you would say that. Into the electro-chamber you go.
James: What???
Dr. Howard: I’m
just kidding, you see, I used to be a comedian.
James: Real
funny.
Dr. Howard:
Isn’t it though? Anyway, seriously now,
we want to be able to keep such high caliber students as you four. We expect you four be the highest achieving
students in our history. With that said,
the university will pay for one-third of the cost to rent within the city. However, you must be on Dayboqrx Island, you
must find a place in this borough or else we will not pay.
James: First
off, are you sure you’re talking about us, that’s a lot of pressure. And one-third, okay, sounds great, but that
means we need either roommates or jobs.
Dr. Howard: Yes,
that is another stipulation.
[ John returns]
John: [jokingly]
Did ya miss me?
James: No, but
listen, they’re gonna let us stay off-campus and pay one-third the rent!
John:
One-third. That’s like one out of three
parts!
Dr. Howard
[sarcastic]: And we’re offering you a full scholarship.
John: Sorry
about that, I was just excited.
Dr. Howard:
There is yet another stipulation though.
YOU MUST SPEND ONE NIGHT IN A HAUNTED HOUSE. Nah, I’m just kidding about that too. The stipulation is you must find an apartment within the next 36
hours or else you must stay on-campus for the first year.
James: Then we’d
better get going. Thanks again.
Dr. Howard: No
problem. As soon as you find a place,
check back in here. I’ll be waiting.
John: Thank you.
[they leave the
office]
James: John,
what the hell happened in there?
Joe: What did he
do?
John: Did I
actually say “one-third; that’s like one out of three parts”?
James: Yes, you
almost blew the whole thing!
John: I’m just
nervous, I guess.
James: Well we
have to find an apartment and fast.
Katie: They’re
gonna let us stay off campus?
James: Yes, and
pay one-third of the rent for us.
John: I think I
saw a real estate agency on 232nd St.
James: That’s
like 20 blocks away. And we were never
down there.
John: Yeah, but
I heard there was a real estate agency there.
James: From who?
John: Listen, I
made it up, don’t kill me.
[Katie has a
knife in her hand]
Katie: Oh,
sorry.
James: Anyway,
how are we gonna get there?
John: We’d
better take a bus or something.
Katie: Do you
know the Dayboqrx bus lines?
John: Not well.
James: Then we’d
better hurry up and get going.
Scene Three:
“We’re 23”
Location: “Buy Now Real Estate” on 234th and Dayboqrx Avenue and a park bench across the street.
Characters” The Gang and Hillary White
James: This is
on 234th Street, not 232nd Street, God John, how
incompetent can you be?
John: Excuse me,
I was closer than you’re guess of “there are no real estate agencies in
Dayboqrx.”
James: I
could’ve been right.
Hillary White
[perky]: Hi, how are you?
John [startled
by her perkiness]: Oh, uh…hi. I’m John,
this is James, that’s Joe and that’s Katie.
Hillary: Okay,
and what can I do for you?
Joe: Oh, we need
to find an apartment.
Hillary: Okay,
and how old are you?
John: Well,
we’re 23.
Hillary [half
laughing]: I don’t believe that for a second.
According to Dayboqrx City laws, you must live with someone over the age
of 18. Where are you parents?
[Katie says
something inaudible to Joe]
Joe: Katie,
you’re not making any sense.
James: We’re
actually getting early admission to college and our parents are not in town.
Hillary: Then
why aren’t you staying on campus?
Katie: Because
we had the option to not, and we’d much rather stay off campus.
Hillary: Then
what I would suggest is buying today’s issue of the Dayboqrx Times and looking
through the Classifieds to find a place where you will have a roommate over the
age of 18. Here’s $3.25 to buy a copy.
John: Three
dollars!! That’s insane…oh, three dollars and 25 cents.
Hillary: It’s a
big paper. There’s a newsstand on the
corner here.
Joe: Alright,
let’s go.
John: Thank you.
[they approach
the newsstand]
[ John exchanges
money with the man behind the newsstand counter]
John: Here’s the
paper.
James: Remember,
we need to find a place on Dayboqrx Island.
John: When was
that said?
Katie: Yeah, I
didn’t hear that either.
James: It was
when you got embarrassed and went to the bathroom.
John: Oh. Let’s sit on that bench over there.
[they walk
across the street]
James: This city
seems so big, I doubt that there will be no places available.
John: But we
need an older roommate.
Katie: Why, I’m
18.
Joe: Katie, you
said that before, and you’re 17!
Katie: Fine,
believe what you want, my birthday is soon.
James: An older
roommate wouldn’t be that bad.
[they sit down]
John: Let’s see,
we’re looking for places looking for roommates. I’m just gonna highlight the roommate searches.
[he spends about
20 seconds, with James looking on for places to highlight, without highlighting
a single one]
Joe: You mean
there’s nothing?
John: None that
I can find on the island. A lot are in
East Dayboqrx.
James: Wait,
there’s one.
John: There’s
another one.
James: Um,
John. That’s the same one.
John: I know, I
was, uh,…just testing you.
James: Right.
[Fade to a scene
three minutes later. A creepy deep
voiced man says, “THREE MINUTES LATER!!”]
Katie: That
looks like it. Hmmm, five places. Let’s get started.
Scene Four:
“Thanks, but No Thanks”
Location: Three
different apartments
Characters:
John, James, and Phil; Katie, Joe, and Andy; John, James, Amanda, and a cop.
[First Apartment
is a small run-down apartment in Parque Circle]
[They are there with
the apartment’s owner, Phil]
John: So, you
said you just got back to the city.
Where did you go?
Phil: Jail.
James [a bit
disturbed]: For what?
Phil: Murder.
John: Okay, I
think we’ve seen enough here.
Phil: But I
didn’t get to show you around.
John: That’s
okay, we really should be going.
Phil: This is
about the murder isn’t it!
James: No
really, we have an appointment to look at another apartment.
Phil: Listen, it
was just an accident. The guy just fell
on my knife.
John: Okay,
we’re leaving now.
[in the hallway]
James: Okay,
that was a bit disturbing.
Phil: I heard
that!
John: What’s
next?
James: A place
uptown.
[Second
Apartment is not really an apartment at all]
[Katie and Joe
on are 13th St in Uptown Dayboqrx, the American Point district]
Katie: The
newspaper says 133-B 13th St., but it goes from 133 to 135.
Voice [as if
from nowhere]: Are you asking about the apartment?
James: Who said
that?
Voice: It’s me,
the loveable Andy!
Katie: The loveable
Andy. What is that supposed to mean?
Andy: What, you
don’t think I’m loveable?
Joe: Where the
hell are you?
Andy: In the
apartment that’s for rent.
Katie: Which is
where?
Andy: Look in
the alley.
Katie: The
alley!?!
Andy: I live in
the box and I have some spare room that I’m looking to rent out.
Joe: I think we
have to go.
[the two leave]
Andy: Wait, come
back. COME BACK!!!
[Third Apartment
is a large apartment in Dayboqrx Heights]
[They are there
with the apartment’s owner Amanda]
John: This place
is beautiful, but it must be expensive.
Amanda: Yeah, I
can barely afford the place, that’s why I need roommates.
James: Okay, as
long as you can pay two-thirds of the rent, we’re in.
Amanda: That’s
great. There is one thing I need to
tell you though.
John: And that
is…
Amanda: It’s the
one thing that has kept me from getting a roommate.
James: I’m sure
it can’t be that bad.
Amanda: I scream
very very loudly in my sleep.
John: It can’t
possibly be that bad. I’ll tell you
what. We’ll come over here tonight,
you’ll go to sleep and we’ll wait around until we hear you screaming and see if
it’s that bad.
James
[whispering]: Smooth John.
Amanda: I guess
that could work.
[that night]
[ James and John
are watching TV on Amanda’s couch, irked as Amanda is heard screaming in the
background.]
James: Well, I didn’t
think it could be this bad.
John: Well it
is.
James: We gotta
get outta here.
John: We don’t
have the keys to lock up.
James: Oh, what
a brilliant idea John, we’ll come over and we’ll wait until we hear you and see
if it’s that bad.
John: You didn’t
disagree.
James: We have
24 hours to go. We need a place by
midnight tomorrow.
John: I wonder
how Katie and Joe are doing?
[quick scene of
Katie and Joe at a crowded party having a great time]
John: Ah,
probably no better than we are.
James: Listen,
we’ve run into some people who could classify as insane today.
John: Well,
maybe tomorrow will be better.
[there is a
knock at the door]
John: I’ll get
it.
[he opens the
door, a police officer is there]
Policeman: Is
everything alright here.
John: Yeah,
everything is fine.
Policeman: But
we’ve received word of a woman screaming in here.
John: Right, the
woman, um, Amanda, screams in her sleep,…[to James] I really hope tomorrow will
be better!
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Old Lefty”
Location:
Lefty’s Bar, in the Red Light District between 75th and 78th
Streets along Pushor Avenue
Characters:
John, James, and Lefty Davidson
[ John and James
are outside the bar]
James: We’ve
been searching for hours upon hours, we’re never gonna find a place. We may as well just give up.
John: Hey, wait
a minute, look. Lefty’s Bar. You don’t think it could be Lefty from…
James: From
outside high school. Could be. Let’s go in.
[the two walk
into a small room with an elevator in front and a small sign to the right,
blank wall on the left]
John [reading
the sign]: First Floor…Gentleman’s Club.
Second Floor…Lefty’s Bar. Third
Floor…Penthouses.
John and James
[almost simultaneously]: First floor.
[the walk into
the elevator, James presses the button marked 1]
John: Well, it
is 11:00 AM. How crowded could a strip
club be?
James: I find it
odd that there is only one elevator to get into a strip club, a bar, and
penthouses.
John: Yeah,
considering the building does go the length of three city blocks.
James: That’s
weird too.
[the elevator
door opens to reveal an empty room with a bar in the far corner and numerous
poles]
John: So, second
floor.
James: Okay,
let’s go see Lefty. [He presses the
button marked 2]
John: How
crowded do you think the bar will be?
James: As
crowded as the strip club.
John: Maybe this
isn’t even the right Lefty.
[the elevator
door opens to reveal an extremely crowded bar with music playing loudly]
John [jokingly]:
As crowded as the strip club…
James: Shut up.
John [points to
the right]: Look at the bar, there’s
Lefty.
James [yelling]:
Hey Lefty!!!
[Lefty turns
around to see James and John coming towards him]
Lefty: Hey, it’s
you two!! What the hell are you doing here?
John: Well, we
were just in the neighborhood, and…
Lefty: Right,
uh-huh, okay, so how are things?
James:
Fine. We’re getting early admission to
Dayboqrx U.
Lefty: Wow,
that’s great, looks like my selling of alcoholic beverages outside of your high
school didn’t screw you up too bad.
John: Yeah, I
suppose.
James: Some place
you got here, it’s huge.
Lefty: Yeah,
three city blocks long.
James: You must
make a ton of money!
Lefty: Yeah, but
let’s just put it this way. Do you know
the kind of damage you can do to your arm throwing a beer down three
blocks to an overweight guy named Jim-bo! And then he throws his $3.75 to pay for it in pennies. It’s insane!!
John:
Uh-huh. So, we’ve really enjoyed
catching up with you, but we need to find an apartment today.
Lefty: You know
the bar owns two penthouses on the third floor.
John: That’s
great, but we need a place with a roommate over 18.
James: And the
roommate must be able to pay two-thirds of the rent.
Lefty: Well,
there is one place.
James: Well,
let’s look at it.
Scene Six:
“I Said, We’ll Take It”
Characters: John, James, and Lefty
[they open the
door]
John: Holy crap,
look at the size of this place!
James: It’s
huge. It’s over a block long. There’s even a pool!! It most cost a fortune!
John: I don’t
think we can get the university to pay one-third the rent on this place.
James: Hey, they
can’t back out of an agreement. Verbal
contract.
Lefty: Do you
like the place?
John: Have you
not heard the last few lines of this conversation?
Lefty: Now, you
would have no roommates.
James: It’s
okay, we can still pay for it, we’ll just need to take an extra job or
something.
John: Yeah, I
think we’ll take it.
Lefty: So, do
you want to rent out the place?
John [to James]:
Am I talking to a wall? [to Lefty] I just
said, ‘Yeah, I think we’ll take it’.
Lefty: So you’re
still a little undecided, I’ll let you think it over. [leaves the room]
[ James and John
stand speechless at Lefty’s lack of hearing for a moment]
John: Was he
always that bad at hearing?
James: Well,
let’s see. Four people living here,
plus Dayboqrx U. pays a third of the rent.
If we get a side job, we could easily pay for this place.
John: I have a
feeling that two-thirds of this rent would be astronomical.
James: Let’s
take it anyway, if it’s too much, we’ll work something out.
John: Sounds
good, gotta find Lefty now though.
James: Let’s go.
[they open the
door and Lefty falls into the room]
John: Were you
leaning on the door?
Lefty: So, you want the place?
John: Were
you leaning on the door?
Lefty: You want
it or what, I ain’t got all day!
John: Did
somebody turn off Lefty’s hearing?
James: We’ll
take it.
John: We gotta
call Katie and Joe to tell them that they need to help us move the stuff.
Scene Seven:
“Subway Adventure”
Location: A
downtown-bound 8 train (express line)
Characters: Joe,
Katie, and an empty subway car
[ Joe and Katie
are lying along the seats in an subway car]
Katie: Would you
have imagined that the subway system would be this empty this time of day?
Joe: This is a
great subway system.
Katie: I know,
it’s really comfortable too, I hope John and James are just as comfortable.
Joe: I’m sure
they are.
Katie: Anyway,
do you remember where the hotel is?
Joe: Nah, let’s just
keep riding on the subway and pretend like we didn’t know where the stop was
and then we’ll have an excuse to not help them with the stuff.
Katie: I don’t
know about that, that’s pretty mean, are we that lazy?
Joe: Yes…
Katie: Okay
then.
[You can then
see John and James waiting on the platform.
However, the train Joe and Katie are on is an express and does not stop
at that stop…the train keeps going]
Katie: Was that
James and John?
Joe: How could
it be, they said they were already on their way to the hotel?
[After a few
seconds of silence, the train makes a stop, and only one man gets on…he is
wearing a giant hat]
Joe: Look at the
size of that hat!
Katie: Shhhh,
he’ll hear you.
Joe: Who cares,
that hat is huge and goofy looking.
Man: HEY!!!
[The man gets up
and proceeds to walk over to Joe]
Joe: I didn’t
say it, it was him [ Joe points to an empty corner of the car]. Yeah, get him!
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“The REAL Subway Adventure”
Location: A downtown-bound 8 train (local line)
Characters:
James, John, and a crowded subway car
James: Listen,
if the train is this crowded uptown-bound, how the hell will we be able to hold
all of our bags?
John: Let’s just
hope we can get our stuff out and into our new place and still get to the
university in time.
James:
Yeah. Big mistake getting on this local
line.
John: I’ve never
been in a car this crowded before.
James: I know, I
hope it’s not like this all the time.
How will we ever get to classes on time?
John: Do you
know what stop the hotel is?
James: I think
it’s either Dayboqrx Avenue or the Connection, or 213th Street by
the college, or Presidential Boulevard.
John: That was
very vague of you James, but Dayboqrx Avenue sounds about right.
Conductor [over
intercom]: 192nd Street, transfer to shuttle services. 203rd is next.
James: It looks
to me like nobody is getting off.
John: But a
bunch are getting on.
[the two shuffle
around a bit between people getting on the cars]
[the train
begins moving again and the two are silent for a little while, then the train
stops and the lights go out]
John: Oh, well,
this is just perfect.
[they stand in
silence for about five seconds until a woman starts screaming]
John: This is
making the whole situation better.
Strange Man: I
hope everyone knows that I have a weapon.
[a few women
start to scream]
James: Well,
this situation is so much worse now!
Loud Voiced Man:
Alright, everybody calm down and nobody gets hurt!!!
John: Well, two
days in Dayboqrx and both are absolutely atrocious.
James: This is
the strangest city on Earth.
Conductor [over
intercom]: Everybody please stay calm and be sure to [words are muffled and
fuzzy] immediately.
Woman: What did
he say??
Woman 2: I don’t
know!?!
Loud Voiced Man:
He said SHUT UP!!!
James: No need
to yell, you said everybody stay calm.
Strange Man:
Hey, who said that.
[the lights go
back on]
James: I… … …
didn’t.
[the train moves
again and everybody is silent]
Conductor [over
intercom]: We’d like to thank all of you for participating in today’s
drill. If this had been an actual
emergency, you would have been in a lot of trouble.
Woman 2: What do
you mean, we would have been in a lot of trouble, in an actual emergency???
John: He can’t
hear you.
Woman 2: You
shut up.
James: So who
here said all that crap about having a weapon, huh? [everyone is silent] Oh, so
nobody’s taking the blame now that we can see you!
John: I think it
was just part of this drill.
James [now
understanding]: Oh, gotcha.
Scene Nine:
“Fragile/Intro”
Characters: The Gang and Benji
[ John and James are seen carrying boxes through the hallway outside of the penthouse when Benji walks up behind them]
Benji: Hey guys, uh, … , who are you?
John: Oh hi, you
must live across the hall, well, I’m John and that’s my friend James, we’re
moving in next door.
Benji: Do your
new roommates know about that?
James: We’re not
gonna have any roommates.
Benji: What
about the two that live there?
John: The one’s
that moved out?
Benji: Yeah,
them……oh, I see. Well, how’d you get
the place?
James: Lefty
showed it to us and we took it.
Benji: Oh, you
know Lefty?
John: Yeah,
that’s how we got the place.
Benji: Ah, makes
sense.
[Katie and Joe
walk up the stairs]
Katie: I’m
sorry, I didn’t catch your name?
Benji: Oh, I’m
Benji.
Joe: Nice to
meet you Benji, I’m Joe, that’s Katie, John, and James.
Benji: Nice to
meet you. You wanna come over for
dinner tonight?
James: Oh sure,
that’s so nice of you. We’d love to.
Benji: Say about
six-ish?
Katie: Sounds
great, we’ll see you then.
Benji: Okay,
good.
[The four walk
into their penthouse with boxes as Benji opens the door, revealing the inside
of his penthouse. The audience sees
that Benji’s apartment is in awful condition and that he literally owns
millions upon millions of cats. The
gang does not see this.]
Benji [to the
cats]: How are my babies??
[Promptly after
his door closes, the guys’ door opens]
John: And I’m
just saying you shouldn’t have put your clothes in the other person’s dresser.
James: There was
room for it!
[a few minutes later, the guys are seen carrying a large box marked “FRAGILE” towards their penthouse. James is walking backwards with it]
John:
You got the other end of it?
James:
For the tenth time, YES!!
John:
Where are Joe and Katie now?
James:
They’re downstairs getting the television.
John:
Listen, I just don’t want the computer to fall and break into a ba-jillion
pieces.
James:
Uh-oh.
John:
Uh-oh is not a good thing to say when we are holding a heavy fragile computer.
James:
Our door is shut.
John:
Well, we just have to open it.
James:
But we have the computer in our hands!
John:
Well, we have to put the computer down.
James:
Do you remember how long it took for us to pick up the computer in the first
place?
John:
About 10 minutes.
James:
We gotta think of something.
John:
I’ve got it!
James:
This doesn’t involve some kind of magical door opening trick, does it?
John
[who obviously was thinking of some kind of magical door opening trick]: Ummm,
no!
Scene Ten:
“Meet My Friend/Meet My Cats”
Characters: John, James, Benji, and Uhdulph
[ John knocks on the door. James is to his right holding a cake. No answer from Benji.
John knocks again. This time you
hear cats meowing loudly inside the apartment]
James: He owns
cats?
John: I’m
allergic to cats.
James: Well, if
there is just one then I’m sure you’ll survive dinner.
[Benji opens the
door, scratched up and bleeding from the arms.]
Benji: Hey guys,
how are ya!
John: What
happened to you??
Benji: Oh, you
know, a cat thing. Where are the other
two?
James: Well,
Katie said she needed a haircut, so she won’t be joining us, and Joe went to
tell the university that we found a place.
Benji:
Alright. I hope you don’t mind I have
another friend who’ll be joining us.
James: I’m sure
it’s fine. What’s his name?
Benji: Uhdulph
Heetlar.
[The guys look
at each other]
James [sounding
slightly nervous, with a hint of anger]: Adolf Hitler?!?
Benji: No, no,
no, no, no, no, … , Uhdulph Heetlar.
Look, here’s a picture of him. [He shows John and James a picture]
John: That’s a
picture of Hitler in a Nazi uniform!
Benji: No,
that’s Uhdulph at a Halloween party last year.
John: He went as
Hitler!
James: Why is
the picture in black and white?
Benji: Yes he
went as Hitler and it was an old camera.
Here’s another, non-Halloween pictures of Uhdulph. [He shows John and James another picture]
John: This is
another picture of Hitler!
Benji: Fine, why
don’t you just come in and meet him.
James: I’m not
sure if I want to.
[Uhdulph comes
into the hallway; Uhdulph has the mustache but he’s wearing casual clothes]
Uhdulph: Uh,
Benji, Angie number thirty-three thousand two hundred fifteen got onto the fire
escape.
Benji: Oh my
God, this is a disaster!
[Benji runs into
his apartment leaving an irked John and James with Uhdulph]
Uhdulph: So, you
guys are the new people next door.
John [nervous]:
Uh, yeah that’s right. Do you live with
Benji?
Uhdulph: No,
we’re just old college buddies.
James [with a little
more courage to speak than John]: What did you mean Angie number
thirty-thousand or whatever?
Uhdulph: Oh,
Benji names his cats by number. The
female cats are Angie and the male cats are Andy.
John: Oh, but
33,000!
Uhdulph: He has
a lot of cats.
James: So,
what’s your opinion on Jewish people?
Uhdulph: I get
that question a lot. I LOVE them, I
mean, even my wife is Jewish.
John: Really???
Interesting…
[Benji comes
back]
Benji: So, how
are you guys getting along?
James:
Awkwardly.
Benji: Why don’t
we all go in and eat?
[ John and James
walk into the apartment and get their first look at the cats]
John: Holy crap,
he wasn’t kidding. Look at all of these
cats!
James: There
must be a few million of them.
John: The
penthouse goes for one and a half blocks like ours. All I can see both ways are cats. Millions upon millions of cats!
Benji: You guys
can take a seat you know.
John: Where!?!
Benji: On the
couch, stupid!
John [mouthing
the words]: What couch?
Benji: Okay
guys, dinner is ready, let’s eat.
James: Where is
the table?
Benji: You're standing right by it.
John: What are
we having to eat?
Benji: Oh,
you’ll love it. Meow-meows.
James:
Meow-meows?
Benji: Yeah,
very nutritional.
John: You eat
cat food?
Benji: Oh all
the time. Really strengthens the mind.
John [softly to
James]: I’m sure it does you crazy idiot.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
”What Did We Forget?”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters:
John, James, Katie, and Joe
During the
closing credits
[ John, James,
and Katie are sitting on the couch watching TV, it’s almost midnight]
James: What a
rough first two days in Dayboqrx City, huh John.
John: Tell me
about it. Having to find an apartment.
James: The
murderer, the hobo, the screaming girl.
John: Then Benji
and the cats.
James: It’s been
fun though.
John: I suppose
so.
[The three laugh
at a joke on the television, then Joe walks in]
Katie: Hey Joe,
what took you so long?
Joe: Yeah, about
that…what was I supposed to do again?
James: You were
supposed to tell the university that we found a place?
Joe
[lying]: Oh right, I did that.
John: DID
YOU!?!?!
Joe: No.
John: What time
is the deadline?
James: Midnight.
John: And what
time is it?
Katie: 11:49 pm.
[ James and John
look at each other, then sprint out the door]