“On Our Own”
Episode Sixteen (#1P16)
The Gang’s Dayboqrx Project
Written By John Painting
Scene One:
“What’s In a Name?”
Location:
The Penthouse Balcony
Characters:
James, Benji, and Lefty
James:
December 5th, 20 days until Christmas…are you excited?
Benji:
James, sometimes I worry about you.
James:
You about me? How backwards you can be
sometimes.
Benji:
But seriously, what is this Christmas you speak of?
James:
Oh my God, there’s no such thing as Christmas in Dayboqrx…wait, is this just
because your not Christian?
Benji:
No, what? I’m definitely Christian, but
call Lefty, he’ll tell you.
James:
I will then. [he gets on his cell phone and calls Lefty]
Lefty:
Hello?
James:
Lefty, it’s James.
Lefty:
Hey James, what’s up?
James:
Benji tells me there’s no such thing as Christmas.
Lefty:
There isn’t.
James: What???
Lefty:
Yeah, in Dayboqrx, it’s called MasChrist.
James: Oooooh, that makes sense, for Dayboqrx at least, thanks. [he hangs
up]
Benji:
Told ya. [loudly] MORON!
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your life." The Gang runs as the store collapses and are
chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the
bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“What Happens in Dayboqrx on Dark Rainy Friday Nights?”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: James, Joe, and John
James:
So, you guys hear about this MasChrist thing?
John:
Yeah, Benji told me a while back.
Joe:
Yeah, that’s old news buddy.
James:
Well, why didn’t you guys tell me?
Joe:
You’re the one that told me.
James:
What are you talking about?
Joe:
Sorry, I got you confused with Dr. Johnson for a second.
James:
How in the hell did that happen?
Joe:
I don’t remember.
John:
Anyway, what do you guys want to do tonight?
Joe:
Guys, c’mon John, how could you forget about Katie, she’s not a guy. GOD, SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST JERKS!
John:
Calm down, and Katie’s out.
Joe:
When did that happen?
James:
About an hour or two or so ago, she has a date.
Joe:
With who?
James:
The morning guy from that radio station, I think his name is Brad or something.
Joe:
Sounds about right for someone Katie would go out with.
John:
Joe, this is Katie’s first date since we moved to Dayboqrx.
Joe:
Yeah, that too.
John:
Anyway, what do you guys want to do tonight?
James:
John, you said that already.
John:
I know, I needed to repeat myself because some people are digressing.
Joe:
Yeah John, what the hell were you doing, digressing like that.
John:
I was talking about you Joe.
Joe:
I knew that.
John: C’mon
guys, we haven’t done anything interesting since that time Benji made us watch
his cats.
James: That
wasn’t that long ago John.
Joe: Well, it is raining outside, so that’s out.
John: What’s
out??? And it’s always raining out.
James: I’ve got
an idea!
John: Is this
gonna be like that time you had the idea to open up a lemonade stand…because
it’s raining all the time James, nobody’s gonna buy lemonade in the rain!
James: We’ve
been through this argument before…
John: And we’re
going through it again…
James: No we’re
not, just listen to my idea.
[ James whispers
his idea in the other guys’ ears, and they all nod simultaneously]
Scene Three:
“Katie Killed the Radio Star”
Location: A fancy restaurant
Characters: Katie, Brad Davenport
Katie: What did you say your name was again?
Brad: Brad…Brad Davenport.
Katie: And what station do you work for?
Brad: 101.9 WDBX, your home for today’s hit music, broadcasting live 24/7 from our headquarters across the street from Cook Field in American Point.
Katie: Okay, I didn’t ask for your life story.
Brad: I was originally born at 5334 Shaw Avenue to Steven and Mary Davenport. When I was…
Katie: Can we stop talking about you, and talk about me for God sakes?!?
Brad: …three years old, we moved to American Point…
[the two begin talking over each other]
Katie: Anyway, I’m originally from outside of Dayboqrx, but…
Brad: …and that’s when I fell in love with the radio station that I lived down the street from where we lived…
Katie: …I moved here when I decided to go off to college with three friends of mine…
Brad: …at 634 18th Street, but it felt weird living on a street instead of an avenue, so I kept begging my parents to move onto Pushor Avenue…
Katie: …anyway,
we found a penthouse on Pushor Avenue…
[the two had
said Pushor Avenue at the same time, and they begin laughing hysterically]
Brad: Ah, that
was a good laugh.
Katie: Yeah, I
know, I’m sorry this didn’t work out.
Brad: What, the
date has lasted five minutes…
Katie: Yeah, but
too much you, and not enough me. I hope
you understand.
Brad: I don’t
understand at all.
Katie: And you
won’t understand at all, goodbye.
Brad: Who’s
paying for the meal?
Katie: We didn’t
eat anything.
Brad: Right, we
didn’t…but I had like fifty breadsticks before you showed up.
Katie: I was
hear first.
Brad [yelling]:
FINE, I’M LEAVING!!!
Katie: Get out.
[Brad leaves]
Katie: Pffft,
what a freakin’ narcissist, I hate people like that, always talking about
themselves.
[an
advertisement comes on a nearby television]
Man on Ad: Do
you have a slow love life?
Katie: Yes.
Man on Ad: Wait,
don’t answer yet…
Katie: Oh sorry.
Man on Ad:
That’s okay. Anyway, do you think you
could use a bit of a spark in your life?
Katie: Sure.
Man on Ad: You
answered that one too, didn’t you???
What did I say before?
Katie: How the
hell did you know I answered those two questions?
Man on Ad: How
the hell did I know that…listen to you, you need someone in your life.
Katie: Okay,
where the hell are you?
Man on Ad: I’m
in the television, telling you that “The Dayboqrx Dating Game” is taking
sign-ups for their first season in Dayboqrx.
You’ll get the chance to choose from three eligible bachelors or
bachelorettes and then go on a free date with them, courtesy of the show.
Katie: Why are
these televisions following me? Well, I
guess it’s worth it, what do I have to lose?
Man on Ad:
Nothing at all!
Katie: Okay this
is getting weird. [Katie leaves]
[Man on Ad
laughs evilly]
Man on Ad: We
shall get you Katie Stalin. [more evil laughing]
Scene Four:
“Brainstorming”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang
John: Okay, so
far, all we have of this new idea of yours is, we’re going to make something
big, technological, fancy, and expensive.
James: Yes.
Joe: Agreed.
John: Do you
think it may be a problem that none of us have any experience in creating some
new form of technology?
Joe: I can’t see
how that would be a problem.
John: I can.
Joe: Well then,
hand me your eyes so I can see.
James: What are
you talking about?
Joe: James, can
you see how that would be a problem?
James: Yes!
Joe: Then give
me your eyes.
James: NO!
Joe: Fine then,
you guys are such eye-hoggers.
James: Whatever,
we still need to come up with an idea.
[Katie walks in]
John: Maybe
Katie can help us.
Katie: I really
don’t want to help with anything right now.
Joe: I don’t
want her working with us anyway, this is our money.
Katie: Well then
maybe I do want to help, you know, to spite Joe and all.
Joe: Thanks
Katie!
Katie: You’re
quite welcome.
James: So Katie,
how was your date?
Katie: Don’t
ask.
James: I…uh…I
already did ask.
Katie: Well,
don’t you have the answers to everything.
[she slams the
door to her room]
John: I imagine
the date went well.
Katie [from her
room]: No, it didn’t!
John: I was
being sarcastic.
Katie [from her
room]: OH!
Joe: We still
don’t have an idea.
James: Yes we
do…
John: Well, what
is it?
[flashback to a
few seconds earlier:
John: Maybe Katie can help us.
Katie:
I really don’t want to help with anything right now.
Joe:
I don’t want her working with us anyway, this is our money.
Katie:
Well then maybe I do want to help, you know, to spite Joe and all.
Joe:
Thanks Katie!
Katie:
You’re quite welcome.
end flashback]
John: How does
that tell us what our invisible idea is?
James: In
hindsight, it doesn’t.
Joe: Hey wait a
minute, invisible, eh?
John: Yes, I did
say invisible.
Joe: Invisible,
eh?
John: Yes, you
just said that.
Joe: Said that,
eh?
James: Joe, what
are you doing?
Joe: I don’t
know, but I have an idea now.
John: Is it an
idea, or just a quasi-idea, like James’ from before?
James: Hey, I
resent the term “quasi-idea” when you could have used either “sub-idea” or
“semi-idea.”
John: Answer the
question Joe…
Joe: Oh, it’s a
full-fledged idea, and it’s gonna be great!
Scene Five:
“Playing the Dating Game”
Location: A game show set
Characters: Three bachelors, Katie, and the host Tom Stevenson
[Dating game setup:
Katie is the bachelorette with three bachelors sitting on the other side of the
wall]
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET’S PLAY “THE DAYBOQRX DATING GAME”…AND HERE’S YOU HOST
TOM S[bachelor #2 begins screaming violently] TEVENSON.
[Bachelor #2
stops screaming]
[it turns out
that Tom Stevenson is really Tom Selleck, the new host of the show]
Tom: Hi, hello,
and welcome to the Dayboqrx Dating Game, I am Tom S[bachelor #2 is screaming
again] tevenson. [he stops screaming] Okay, what the hell is your problem?
[Bachelor #2
turns out to be Dr. Johnson]
Dr. Johnson:
Sorry, continue with the game.
Tom: Okay,
anyway, we have a great show lined up for you today, we have the lovely Katie
Stalin here trying to see which of the three bachelor’s she would like to go
out with.
Katie: I’m all
ready to go.
Tom: I didn’t
ask you yet.
Katie: Yes,
well, I was assuming…
Tom: Well
don’t…[long pause]…you may begin asking questions.
Katie: Okay
then…Guys, Cabbage Patch Kids scare the crap out of me. What are some of your worst fears? Bachelor #1…
Bachelor #1:
Being alone.
Katie: Awww,
bachelor #2?
Dr. Johnson
[reciting from memory]: My fears include scorpions, snakes, pillows, robots,
and Tom Selleck.
Katie: Tom
Selleck, c’mon I loved him in “Three Men and a Baby”.
Dr. Johnson
[scared]: I didn’t…that movie was scarier than “The Exorcist”. [he hides under
his chair]
Katie: Okay
then.
Tom: You must be
crazy or something.
Dr. Johnson:
That’s why they call me Dr…
Tom: Don’t
reveal your real name!
Katie: Anyway,
bachelor #3?
Bachelor #3:
Fears…probably scary movies.
Dr. Johnson: Oh,
I’m with you on that, you even seen “Three Men and a Baby”?
[time passes, a
large scoreboard reads: BACHELOR 1: 27 | BACHELOR 2: -23 | BACHELOR 3: 13]
Katie: Okay, if
I could be any element, I’d be ununnilium…what element would you be? Bachelor #3???
Bachelor #3: I
would be radon.
Katie: Why?
Bachelor #3: So
I could live in people’s basements.
[Bachelor #3’s
score drops from 13 to 7]
Katie: Okay,
bachelor #2?
Dr. Johnson: I
think I would have to be darmstadtium.
Katie: What the
hell is that?
Dr. Johnson
[yelling]: IT’S THE ELEMENT YOU SO FOOLISHLY CALLED UNUNNILIUM!
[Dr. Johnson’s
score drops from –23 to –34]
Katie: Okay,
let’s make sure you don’t win buddy; bachelor #1, your element?
Bachelor #1: I’d
be sexium, baby…
Katie: I think
we have a winner!
Dr. Johnson:
Excuse me, but sexium isn’t a real element, I want you to give a real answer
for God sakes.
Bachelor #1:
Excuse me! You’re the one who’s afraid
of Tom Selleck.
Dr. Johnson:
C’mon, he’s a creepy guy, I’ve been afraid of him ever since I saw him in
“Psycho”.
Bachelor #1: No,
Tom Selleck wasn’t in “Psycho”.
Tom: This
oughtta get real interesting.
Dr. Johnson: I
do believe he was, he was the girl that got murdered.
Tom: No, I
really don’t think that was him.
Dr. Johnson: I
think I know the guy that I’m mortally afraid of like the back of my hand. [Dr.
Johnson looks at the back of his right hand and is startled]
Tom: Anyway,
it’s time to see who you didn’t pick, and play off they fears a little bit.
Katie: Sounds
like fun.
Tom: First off,
bachelor number three…[he grabs a set of video tapes of scary movies and throws
them at the bachelor, causing him to run in fear] Oh well, bachelor number two…[he grabs a pillow and a
scorpion]…is Dr. Bill Johnson, professor at Dayboqrx University.
Dr. Johnson [to
Katie]: For not picking me, you will fail your next exam.
Katie: I’ve
failed most of the exams so far.
Dr. Johnson [to
Tom]: And as for you Mr. Stevenson, what kind of [he pauses as he realizes who
the host is]…vuh…[he stumbles around, mumbling and eventually runs behind a
Plexiglas wall covering his eyes] I’m not afraid of you!!! [he knocks the wall
down, destroying the entire set]
Tom: Cut to
commercial.
Scene Six:
“Pitchin’ a Ride”
Location: Dr. Johnson’s class
Characters: The
Gang, the class, and Dr. Johnson
Katie: I can’t
express how much you embarrassed me on the show last night.
[Dr. Johnson is
hiding behind is desk]
Dr. Johnson: Is
it safe to come out yet?
Katie: What?
Dr. Johnson: Is
Tom gone?
Katie: Yes.
[he comes out
from hiding]
Dr. Johnson:
Good. Anyway, I’m sorry for
embarrassing you, but you didn’t pick me, and that’s all that counts…you
know…counts in my grade book and all.
Katie: Isn’t
that in some way illegal, to alter my grades because of an experience?
Dr. Johnson:
Probably, but I’ve done so much illegal crap, it’s not even funny. Oh, and by the way, class, thank you all for
not alerting the authorities on that uranium spill that had been in the back of
the class for the past month, you really helped me out a lot there.
John: Anyway,
Dr. Johnson, we have this great idea for a technological advancement that can
severely alter the look of the future, and we want to run it by you.
Dr. Johnson:
What is this fantastic altery idea?
James: Altery isn’t
a word.
Dr. Johnson: Yes
it is.
John: Back on
topic, the idea is to build a robotic pillow-making Tom Selleck.
Dr. Johnson
[scared and now hiding behind the desk again]: I don’t think this a good idea.
John: C’mon,
it’s gonna revolutionize the pillow-making industry!
Dr. Johnson: It
still scares me.
Joe: Fine, that
isn’t our idea, but it was fun to watch you squirm like that.
Dr. Johnson
[relieved, yet ticked off]: Okay then, your grades will sure wonder what hit
them as a result of this.
John: Wait a minute,
Joe, are you sure that wasn’t our idea?
Joe: Our idea
was to build that……come to think of it, I don’t remember what our idea was.
Dr. Johnson: I
don’t like it.
James: We didn’t
tell it to you yet.
Dr. Johnson: I
still don’t like it.
John: Are you gonna
say that to anything we come up with?
Dr. Johnson:
Essentially.
John: Thanks for
your help.
Dr. Johnson: You
are quite welcome.
John: Why
doesn’t anybody notice my sarcasm anymore?
Joe: Is your
sarcasm filter working?
John: What the
hell is a sarcasm filter?
Joe: There’s
your problem, you don’t have a sarcasm filter.
John: You didn’t
answer my question.
James: You
didn’t answer mine either.
Joe: James, you
didn’t ask a question.
James: I just
wanted to feel important.
Katie: Hey, I’m
not talking enough here…so, did you hear about the time Benji…
Joe: Anyway,
John, might I suggest buying a Sarcon Brand Sarcasm Filter for about $9.99 the
next time we go to the mall.
John
[sarcastic]: Wow, what a bargain.
[long pause]
Katie: Yeah, you
really need that filter.
Scene Seven:
“What Goes on Behind Closed Doors is
Not Your Business”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang
[ James, Joe,
and John are all working behind a locked door with Katie on the outside]
[loud banging
noises and squealing is coming from inside the room]
Katie
[knocking]: What the hell is going on in there you guys?
John: ‘Tis none
of your business.
Joe: John, you
really didn’t need to say “’tis” there.
James: Yeah, you
could have said “It’s” or not said anything at all and just said “None of your
business.”
John: I was just
trying to add some dramatic emphasis.
Joe: Well you
failed miserably.
John
[sarcastic]: Thank you.
Joe: See, now
it’s working.
John: I didn’t
buy your stupid sarcasm filter.
[ Joe gets up
and punches John a few times in the chest]
John: What the
hell was that for?
Joe: I was
testing your sarcasm filter, it still isn’t there.
John: Well
thanks for telling me about it.
Joe: Listen, do
you need the money for it, are you not able to pay for the thing, because I can
loan you ten dollars.
John: Joe,
listen, I have the money, but I have
the sneaking suspicion that sarcasm filters don’t exist.
[ Joe lifts up
his shirt and displays a large filter-esque object hung around his neck]
James: Okay,
this is getting weird.
Joe: Don’t exist,
eh?
John: Joe, first
off, stop saying eh, your not Canadian.
Secondly, that’s not a sarcasm filter, that’s a mosquito trap.
Joe: Oh, no
wonder this thing keeps catching a bunch of mosquitoes.
Katie [outside
door]: Why is it none of my business?
John: Katie, I
said that like a minute ago, where have you been?
Katie: I went to
make a sandwich.
John: Oh okay.
James: Think of
it kinda like the “Dayboqrx Project,” where a large top secret object is being
created behind closed doors to provide safety or some type of benefit.
[Katie is
silent]
James: Katie???
KATIE???
Joe: She
probably went to get a drink to go with the sandwich.
Katie: Sorry, I
went to get a drink to go with the sandwich, what did you say James?
Joe: Told ya.
James: I’m not
repeating myself, nor will I admit that Joe was right.
Joe: You just
said it.
[long pause]
James: Damn, you
win this round…but I will be victorious some day.
Scene Eight:
“Final Preparations”
Location: The Secret Room
Characters: James, Joe, and John
Joe:
I can’t believe that the day we release our project is tomorrow.
John:
I know.
James:
Guys, now that the slide show to go with the presentation is done, it’s time to
face our biggest problem.
John:
Which is?
James:
We never actually created anything, all we have is a slide show.
John:
Oh crap, I can see how that would be a problem.
Joe:
I don’t,…,c’mon, give me your eyes again.
John:
NO! My eyes are…well, they’re for my
eyes only.
Joe:
I heard that!
John:
Because I said it out loud.
Joe:
True.
John:
But anyway, you can’t have my eyes.
James:
But anyway, WE DON’T HAVE AN OBJECT TO SELL YET!
Joe:
And when is the day we release our project?
James:
You said it yourself before, tomorrow!
Joe:
And how many hours do we have before tomorrow?
James:
Maybe 24.
Joe:
Maybe…maybe…[ Joe walks out the door]
John:
Where the hell are you going?
Joe
[outside door]: Me no speaky English!
John:
Joe, we just had a rather long conversation about how much you love speaking
English.
Joe:
¿Que?
James:
Oh my God, this really isn’t helping us at all.
Joe:
Well, what was Joe’s original idea again?
James:
To build something invisible.
John:
Well, we have that.
[long
pause for thinking]
James:
Do you think it’ll work?
John:
Hell no, but we can try!
James
[yelling]: HEY JOE!!!
Joe:
¿¿¿¿Qué????
John:
Quit the Spanish act, we now how we’re gonna handle this.
Joe:
Great. [he comes back downstairs]
What’s the idea?
James:
Well, it was yours.
Joe:
Come again?
James:
You’re the one that came up with the idea.
Joe:
When did that happen?
[flashback
to a few days ago:
Joe: Oh, it’s a full-fledged idea, and it’s
gonna be great!
end flashback]
Joe:
Yeah, I was definitely just saying that, and I didn’t have an idea at the time.
John:
But you kept alluding to invisible things.
Joe:
Hey, I didn’t elude anyone, I was right here the whole time.
James:
What about when you starting speaking Spanish and walking out of the room…so
you could, you know, elude us.
Joe:
Hey hey hey hey hey, that was not elusion…it was…allusion.
John:
Just help us make this idea work.
Joe:
No speakidy English.
Scene Nine:
“A Really Big Show”
Location: A large, filled auditorium
Characters: James, John, and Joe
[a man in the
audience is screaming]
Emcee: Anyway,
thank you Tom Selleck, for your fantastic stand-up comedy routine…and now, it’s
time for the main event, revealing the identity of “It” for the first time, are
Dayboqrx’s own John Painting, James Achaia, and Joe Termine.
[the man stops
screaming and the three guys go running out on stage, dressed as monks]
Joe: Thank you
for the warm welcome.
James: It’s time
to revolutionize the way you look at the world, with the newest invention to
hit the market, “It.”
John: Cue the
slide show please.
[The slideshow
begins]
[FIRST SLIDE:
A cell phone on a table, with a large ? on top of it]
John: The cell
phone…modern wonder…or ancient blunder?
James: John,
that’s not part of the script, and that didn’t make sense.
John: Shut up, I
know where I’m going with this….The correct answer is, modern wonder…two points
to everyone who answered that correctly.
Joe: What’s with
the point system?
John: Be quiet you two, you both made me do the presentation when we argued
about it backstage, so now it’s time to watch where I take this.
James: I hope
you didn’t alter the presentation.
John: You’ll
see.
Joe: Uh oh. [ James
and Joe leave John alone on stage]
John: Anyway,
cell phones are great, but what if you’re deaf?
[SECOND
SLIDE: An animation of a cartoon man getting his ears chopped off by a small
flying blade]
John: Or, what
if some unfortunate mishap occurred, like the one you just witnessed? Well, now you can use the phone, even if you
are stricken of your hearing, with the new Silent Phone!!! The silent phone
communicates with a series of beeps, corresponding to each letter, so if you
hear 20 beeps, a pause, then 8 beeps, a pause, then 5 beeps, you just heard the
word “the.” The entire process of
saying “the” takes approximately 3 minutes.
Man in Audience:
Well, if the phone makes beeps, then it really isn’t silent, now is it?
John: Please
hold all of your comments until the end of the presentation. Everybody loves the beeping silent phone…
[THIRD SLIDE:
Godzilla holding a phone]
John: …from
Godzilla…
[FOURTH
SLIDE: Tom Selleck holding a phone]
John: …to Tom Selleck. [a man begins screaming]
[FIFTH SLIDE:
A picture of a box with wheels and the word “VROOM” scrawled on the side]
[the man stops
screaming]
John: The modern
car is such a waste of metal don’t you agree??? Now, with the new box, I mean car, you can stick it to the oil
industry with our new system of fuel.
[SIXTH SLIDE:
A close up of a hole on the box with “GOLD/EGG INTAKE” above it]
John: Now you
can run your car on ground-up 24 carat gold and Faberge eggs.
[SEVENTH
SLIDE: A book burning]
John: And how
about the old fashioned book burning?
Tired of reading the same old story and then having to burn the book
when you’re done? So am I!
[EIGHTH
SLIDE: A picture of the Bible, with the words “Better Than The” above it]
John: With our
new book, you’ll never be able to put it down and stop reading it.
[NINTH SLIDE:
A picture of three smiling children with the Grim Reaper standing behind them]
John: I mean,
just look at these smiling faces…you know they can’t wait to see where they’re
going! They’re going on a magical
adventure that only our new book can provide.
[TENTH SLIDE:
A mushroom cloud]
John: Now, for
the first time ever, we have finally been able to use the Dayboqrx name for a
product, the only product that when you open the box, every element of your day
comes shooting at you at light speed.
[ELEVENTH
SLIDE: An in-depth explanation of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity]
[TWELFTH
SLIDE: The box from earlier, no wheels, “VROOM” crossed out, and “DAYBOQRX”
written above it]
[THIRTEENTH SLIDE: Flashing text “JUST $
399.99 plus S+H”]
John: Yes, you can own your very own “It” for whatever price is
flashing above my head. I will now take
any questions you have.
[Every hand in the audience goes up]
John: Damn it, this isn’t gonna go well.
Scene Ten:
“Picking Up the Pieces”
Location: The auditorium
Characters: The Gang
Joe: I can’t
believe people weren’t interested in that.
Katie: Yeah, I
know, I really thought you had ‘em with that…what the hell was that anyway?
John: Oh, I
don’t even know what the hell it was supposed to be.
James: I do!
John: Do you?
James: No, I was
just saying that to appear smarter than all of you.
John: James, a
lot of times, you are smarter than us.
James: I know,
but not right now, you know, because I came up with the whole idea of what just
botched a few minutes ago.
Joe: No, that
was me.
James: Oh right,
then never mind. At least you didn’t
change the slides in the presentation.
Joe: So, how are
we ever gonna face the public ever again?
Katie: By
walking outside, silly goose.
Joe: Hey, I may
be a rooster, chicken, or robot, but I’m definitely no goose!
[Dr. Johnson had
been eavesdropping on the conversation]
Dr. Johnson
[whispering]: Joe is a robot??? [he flees in fear]
John: Did you
guys just hear something?
Joe: No, you’re
just crazy.
John: Right
me…you’re the one wearing a mosquito trap around your neck.
Joe: Ahem, it’s
a sarcasm filter.
James: In
hindsight, maybe we should have invented a sarcasm filter instead of…absolutely
nothing.
[The Gang
pauses]
John: That’s a
great idea!
Joe: Yeah, why
didn’t I think of that!?!
James: Because
you’re insane.
John: Well,
let’s go invent a sarcasm filter!
[The three guys
run out the door]
Katie: Sometime
I worry about them.
Benji: Me too.
Katie [scared]:
AH…where the hell did you come from?
Benji: Me and
Bill were eavesdropping on you, but he fled in fear when Joe said something
about being Tom Selleck.
Katie: No, he
said he was a robot.
Benji: Either
that or a scorpion or pillow of some sort, I don’t know anymore, Bill worries
me, and so do you four.
Katie: You’re
the one that owns four million cats.
Benji: Which is
my ticket to mental stability.
Katie: Right,
mental stability.
Benji: Yes,
that’s what I said, do you have a hearing problem or something?
Katie: No, but I
think I might need a sarcasm filter.
Benji: You know
where they sell good sarcasm filters??
The mall, you can get a high quality grade-C Sarcon Brand Sarcasm Filter
for like twenty dollars.
Katie: Joe said
it was ten.
Benji: Yeah, if
you want a grade-D filter…God, who would want that?
Katie: I don’t
know, maybe the people that want grade-C filters…whatever happened to grade-A
filters?
Benji: Grade-A
sarcasm filters??? Now who needs mental stability?
Katie: I don’t
know, you?
Benji: That sounds about right.
[Katie leaves
Benji alone and an advertisement comes on a nearby television]
Man on Ad: Do
you have a slow love life?
Benji: It’s like
your reading my mind, you know, since I can’t get Katie at all.
Man on Ad: Wait,
don’t answer yet…
Benji: Sorry, I
already did.
Scene Eleven:
”Bachelorette Number 3…”
Location: A game show set
Characters: Benji, three bachelorettes, and Tom Stevenson
Benji:
Girls, first question, I love cats…what are your feelings about cats? Bachelorette #1?
Bachelorette
#1: Oh, I hate them.
Benji
[shocked]: Number two?
Bachelorette
#2: I’m allergic to them.
Benji
[appalled]: Number three?
Bachelorette
#3: I can’t stand them.
Benji:
Okay this game is over. [he storms off the stage and out the door]
Tom:
We’ve gotta stop filming this game in Dayboqrx.
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