“On Our Own”
Episode Seventeen (#1P17)
The Gang Gets Hooked on Acid
Written by John Painting
Scene One:
“As Seen on TV”
Location:
Both Penthouses
Characters:
The Gang, Benji
[Benji
is watching television among his many cats]
Voice
on TV: Welcome back to Dayboqrxline Tuesday, I’m your host Stephen
Phillips. Today we will discuss the
rising usage of acid among teenagers, possibly among teenagers you know.
[Benji
becomes startled, leaves his penthouse]
[The
Gang is calmly playing Scrabble (prior to Benji’s busting in)]
Joe:
And with the triple word score and bonus for using all of my letters, my work
is xilziqe. That will be 354 points,
skyrocketing me into third place.
Katie:
Joe, could you please define xilziqe.
Joe:
Most certainly, a xilziqe is a man who is very annoying, busts in at awkward
times, and is never exactly pleasant to be around, but he makes you be around
him anyway, because he always seems to be there.
[Benji
busts in screaming]
Benji:
Get off the damn acid, you four!
John:
Speaking of xilziqes…
OPENING CREDITS
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“The Mystery of the Cube”
Location: Dayboqrx Rubik’s Cube Refinery
Characters: Uhdulph, his boss, and co-workers
[Uhdulph and his co-workers (Tim, Mike, and Robert) and sitting in a line playing with Rubik’s cubes]
Tim:
So, Uhdulph?
Uhdulph:
What is it Tim?
Tim:
You think we’ll ever figure this damn thing out?
Uhdulph:
Who cares, we’ve been getting paid for over twenty years, ten dollars an hour
to figure this out…I’m beginning to think I’ll just stop officially trying and
just collect money.
[Uhdulph’s
boss Fred walks in]
Fred:
Excuse me Uhdulph, I don’t think you want to do that.
Uhdulph:
How would anybody ever even know?
Fred:
You’re all being tracked on an attempt ratio, which calculates moves, and how
well thought out they are, per minute.
Robert:
You’ve been tracking us…for how long?
Fred:
21 years.
Mike:
We’ve been working here for 21 years.
Fred:
Exactly, and you’ve all kept your jobs because your ratio was so high…we’ve
laid off thirty or so workers for not trying, and I don’t want you guys to be
next.
Uhdulph:
Back to work.
[The
four workers begin feverishly twisting the cubes]
Mike:
I can’t believe nobody has ever figured this thing out here in Dayboqrx.
Uhdulph:
You’d think out of fifty people working here, for twenty-one years, that at
least one of us would…
Mike:
I GOT IT!
Tim:
Really…?
Mike:
YES…well, actually…apparently not, all I have is this one side in green. I figured if I had one side, then I must
have all the other sides. Wait, I have two sides…no wait there’s a yellow in
the corner of the blue side…damn, this is frustrating.
[Uhdulph’s
phone rings]
Uhdulph:
I got it.
Mike:
You should, it’s your phone.
Uhdulph:
Hello?
Benji:
Hey Uhdulph.
Uhdulph:
Hey Benji, what’s up?
Benji:
Nothin’.
Uhdulph: Then thanks for calling. [he goes to hang it up]
Benji:
No wait, I need to talk to you!
Uhdulph: About what?
Benji:
Nothin’ much.
Uhdulph: Then why’d you make it sound all important?
Benji:
Actually I need you to help me do something?
My plan is [he whispers something inaudible into the earpiece]
Uhdulph:
What? All you said was psst psst psst
psst.
Benji:
See ya then! [he hangs up]
Uhdulph:
Weirdo…back to the cube, but first I need to comb my mustache.
Scene Three:
“Those Cool Cats”
Location: The hallway outside the penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Benji: Hey guys,
we need to have, like an intervention or something, you’re getting out of
control.
[it turns out
Benji is outside of the door as The Gang walks into the hall]
Joe: Hey Benji,
what are you doing talking to our door like that?
Benji: AHA!!!
So, you admit it!
John: Admit what?
Benji: Stay out
of this, I called my friends and we’re having an intervention tonight.
Katie: What
friends?
Benji: Well,
Joe, James, John, and Katie for four…they’ll be here shortly.
Katie: Well, I
can’t wait ‘til they get here so I can give them a piece of my mind.
John: When did
you call us?
James: Let’s
check our messages. [he enters the penthouse and pushes a button]
Answering
Machine: You have seven messages [The Gang stands in wonderment during the
messages]…message one [voice of Lefty “Hey guys, it’s Lefty, I need some help,
do you have three thousand dollars to spring me out of jail, it’s my only
call…but first I need you to do this one BIG favor and…”] 3:13 PM
Friday…message two [voice of Benji “Is this John’s place…yeah, we need an
intervention for the gang tonight…see you then”] 3:32 PM Friday…message three
[voice of Benji “Is this Joe’s place…yeah, we need an intervention for the gang
tonight…see you then”] 3:33 PM Friday…message four [voice of Dr. Johnson “Hi
guys, it’s Dr. Johnson, I had this bad dream about robots and scorpions, I need
some help, call me back”] 3:33 PM Friday…message five…[voice of Benji “Is this
Katie’s place…yeah, we need an intervention for the gang tonight…see you
then…love you”] 3:34 PM Friday…message six…[voice of Benji “Is this James’s
place…yeah, we need an intervention for the gang tonight…be you then…oops, I
mean see you then.”] 3:36 PM Friday…message seven [voice of Benji “Is this
Benji’s place…”]
[ James pushes
the button to stop]
James: Okay, we
get the point.
Benji: You
didn’t hear the message when I called myself, but it wasn’t myself, but then it
was your place, so then I invited myself to the intervention…gee, I hope I get
here soon, what’s taking me so long?
John: We haven’t
asked this yet, for some reason, but why do you want to hold an intervention?
Benji: Because
you’re all hooked on acid, I found a ton of it in your refrigerator!
Joe: Wait, wait,
wait! What kind of acid are you talking about?
Benji: Obviously
the only kind of acid I know about…citric acid.
John: And why do
we NEED this intervention?
Benji: Because
TV told me that acid use among teenagers was rampant, so I have to stop you
somehow.
[The Gang gives
each other confused looks]
Katie: You know
there’s nothing wrong with drinking a lot of orange juice.
Benji: But TV
said…
James: Didn’t
you know there was more than one kind of acid?
Benji: Wait,
does this all mean I can start drinking orange juice again?
John: Yes.
Benji: OH THANK
GOD!
James: How long
have you been holding out?
Benji: An
eternity…like five hours or so. Anyway,
on a similar topic, it appears I’m behind the times a little, you know, knowing
of only one kind of acid. Gee, I don’t
think I’m cool enough anymore.
Joe: How so?
Benji: Well, is
owning millions upon millions of cats still the cool thing to do?
John: It never
was.
Benji: OH CRAP,
you have to help me become cool, and fast…I’ll pay you.
Joe: Okay, I’ve
got this under control.
Benji: Then
let’s all take a trip to visit Uhdulph at work.
John: Why?
Benji: No
reason.
Katie: Then why
do we all have to go?
Benji: It’s
cool.
James: No it
isn’t.
Benji: Damn,
see, I’m still very far behind.
Scene Four:
“Practice Makes Perfect”
Location: A downtown bound 8 train
Characters: The Gang, Benji
Joe: Okay, the
first step to being cool is……help me out here guys.
Katie: You
volunteered, you’re on your own.
Joe: Fine, the
first step is to be able to be sure enough about yourself that you feel like
you can do anything.
James: Shouldn’t
that be around step four or something…shouldn’t you try to rid him of
everything uncool in his life right now?
Benji: I know
you’re implying getting rid of my cats, so that will never happen.
James: It was
worth a shot.
Joe: Benji, see
those three girls on the other side of the car?
Benji: What? [he
looks through the glass to the other car]
[the train
stops]
Joe: No, in this
car.
Benji: What? [he
walks out of the train]
John: Get back
in the train Benji!
Benji: Fine [he
does] I still don’t know what girls
you’re talking about.
Joe: Those over
there [he points]
Benji: Oooooh,
girls…I saw ‘em first. [he runs over to them]
James: Okay, he
clearly didn’t see them first.
John: Let him be
happy with his mini-victory.
[a scream is
heard, the gang fails to look]
Joe: Without any
of us looking, I bet we can all agree that that was Benji failing at talking to
those girls.
James: Can you
blame them, they’re like 18, and he’s like 30.
[Benji returns
injured]
Benji: That’s 31
for your information.
Joe: So, how’d
that go?
Benji: Well, I
got their numbers.
John: Did you?
Benji: If by
numbers, I meant that I should be waiting to receive a call from their
attorneys, then, yes, I got their numbers.
James: How are
the two even remotely related?
Benji: By the
telephone, stupid.
Katie: Benji,
stop calling us stupid, you’re clearly the dumb one.
Benji [shocked]:
Out of line, Ms. Stalin.
Katie: No, I’m
still standing on the line. [she points to a white line on the ground that
she’s standing on]
Benji: You’ve
won this round Katie, but I will win your love once again.
Katie: Once
again…try for the first time.
Benji: Oh, I
will.
Joe: Okay, okay,
okay…maybe if we work on this cool thing, then Katie might fall for you.
[Katie begins
laughing uncontrollably]
Joe: Fine, it
was worth a shot, you have to be more willing to try to act like you’re able to
do anything.
Benji: Which is
why I went to those girls over there and grabbed their…
John: Whoa
hey…big mistake.
Benji: But Joe
said…
James: Looks
like someone needs a lesson in not taking things literally.
[Benji pulls a
pencil out of his pocket]
Benji: I’m ready
to learn.
[The Gang
groans]
John: Where does
Uhdulph work anyway?
Benji: Rubik’s
Cube factory on 136th and Electric.
John: Okay, but
we just passed the 192nd Street stop.
Benji: To the
other platform. [he runs into the closed door]
Joe: Real cool
Benji, real cool.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Revert to Plan B”
Location: Electric Avenue
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Uhdulph
Benji: What time
is it guys…wait, don’t answer that…IT’S BENJI TIME!
John: What are
you talking about?
Benji: Isn’t
that what a cool person would say? [he nods his head expecting agreement, but
the gang all shakes their heads no] Are
you sure?
Joe: Yes…so,
what are we waiting for here again?
Benji: We’re
waiting for Uhdulph to get out of work.
James: It’s so
cold out here, can’t we wait inside?
Benji:
Preposterous, it’s beautiful out here.
Katie: We’re
standing knee deep in snowfall.
Benji: Beautiful
snowfall.
Joe: Anyway,
Benji, we still need to work on step one of the process.
Benji [stepping
forward]: I’m one step ahead of you.
Joe: Good, but
you’re still standing about three feet behind me.
Benji: Then I’m
three feet behind you.
Joe: Way to
repeat me.
Benji: Way to
repeat you.
John: Can
somebody shut him up please?
Benji: Can
somebody me shut please up???
James
[sarcastic]: That was real cool Benji.
Benji: Good,
then I’m getting there.
James: I was
being sarcastic.
Benji [pointing
to a window]: For future reference…
[the sign in the
window reads “SALE: Sarcasm Filters”]
Joe: Oooooh, I
need a new sarcasm filter. [he runs into the store]
John: At least
he gets to go in out of the cold, I think I’ll join him.
James: Me too.
[the two guys
run into the store]
Benji: Looks
like it’s you and me, my little kitten.
Katie: Never
compare me to your cats again.
Benji: Looks
like it’s up to you to teach me to be cool.
Katie: No, it
really isn’t…don’t talk to me. I think
I’m gonna go in with the guys now.
Benji: But, it’s
so beautiful out here.
[Katie runs into
the store]
Katie
[screaming]: NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM AGAIN!
Benji: I guess there’s
no place in this word for an alone man that loves lots of cats and is
apparently uncool. Maybe I’ll ask
Uhdulph to teach me to be cool, he gets all the ladies…or so he’s lead me to
believe.
[Uhdulph emerges
from the nearby building, startled]
Uhdulph: Benji,
what the hell are you doing here?
[Benji attempts
to leap into Uhdulph’s arm but just proceeds to knock him over, the two fall
into a snow bank]
Uhdulph:
Seriously, Benji, what the hell are you doing?
Benji: TEACH ME
TO BE COOL!
Uhdulph: Well, you
already jumped into a snow bank, so you must be pretty cool already. [he laughs
strangely]
Benji: Will you
help me?
Uhdulph: Only if
you help me, I heard the Rubik’s Cube plant is closing down in a week.
Benji: Oh no,
what are you gonna do?
Uhdulph: I won’t
have to do anything if I get the bonus for solving it, I’ll be set for life.
Benji: Go on.
Uhdulph: So I
need you guys to help me solve the cube within a week.
[long pause]
Benji: Go on.
[long pause]
Uhdulph: That’s
it.
[longer pause]
Benji: But go on…
Scene Six:
“The Thin Line Between High and
Scurvy”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson
Katie: Guys,
I’ve been wondering something.
John: What is it
Katie?
Katie: I was
just thinking, I wonder what would happen if we chose to live in that other
place instead of this one…
James: What
other place, this was the only good place we found.
Katie: You know,
that place on 339th Street with the skylight.
John: There is
no 339th Street in Dayboqrx.
Katie: Are you
telling me I made this place up?
Joe: Yes.
Katie: I was
talking to John.
John: Yes.
Katie: I can’t
believe you would disagree with me…such craziness…
[Benji walks in]
Benji: I need to
ask you guys for a favor.
Joe: Again,
listen, there’s no hope, you’re never gonna be cool.
Benji: Then how
come I’m wearing this leather jacket?
James: That’s
not a leather jacket, you’re just draped in your cats.
Benji: Under the
cats, dummy.
Joe: Is anybody
else disturbed about the recent trend of Benji calling us stupid, or dummies?
John: I wouldn’t
worry about it, I don’t pay attention to half the crap he says anymore.
Benji:
Seriously, I need this favor, Uhdulph’s job is on the line.
James: What
exactly does Uhdulph do for a living anyway?
Benji: His job
is to attempt to become the first person in Dayboqrx history to solve the
Rubik’s Cube.
Katie: I hate
that thing.
Benji: But I
have a plan to get him the bonus…all we need to do is spend all of our waking
hours fiddling with the cube until one of us solves it.
John: How are
gonna stay awake that long?
Benji: Remember
that acid conversation we had before?
Katie: Uh oh.
Benji: I bought
one hundred gallons of orange juice…that oughtta keep us alert. Help me wheel this in guys. [he opens the
door revealing a large dolly with orange juice containers on it]
John: I really
don’t like where this is going.
James: Listen,
we’ve all tried the Rubik’s Cube before, none of us have gotten it.
Benji: But were
you on acid at the time?
James: What,
no? Oh, wait, you still mean citric
acid……still, no, we were on caffeine.
Benji: Caffeine,
that’s even better. [he runs out the door only to hit the dolly and go down in
pain] OW!!! Somebody call a doctor.
[Dr. Johnson
walks in]
Dr. Johnson: I’m
a doctor.
Benji: I mean a
real doctor.
Dr. Johnson:
Well, I don’t like to do this, but…[he pulls a mass of papers out of his back
pocket]…just in case, I carry my diploma and PhD papers with me wherever I
go…so HA!
Scene Seven:
“An Original Idea From the Mind of a
Lunatic”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Dr. Johnson, Uhdulph, Lefty
[The Gang,
Benji, Dr. Johnson, and Uhdulph are fumbling with Rubik’s Cubes and drinking
orange juice]
John: Did you
ever imagine how much fun this could be?
James: No, I
never did…remember the last time we tried this. It was like four in the morning.
[flashback, The
Gang sits slouched in a couch, barely moving their fingers and barely awake
John: I got it.
Joe: Really.
John:
I don’t know, all of the colors are sorta running together, everything looks
yellow.
Katie:
That doesn’t count John, they all look red to me.
James:
Think we should get some sleep?
John
[screaming]: MY RUBIK’S CUBE IS TALKING! [he runs from the house]
Joe:
What’s his problem?
James:
Shut up, you stupid cube.
end flashback]
John: Wait a
minute, THAT WAS YOU TALKING!
James: Ladies
and gentlemen, Mr. Delayed Response, it takes him more than a year to figure
things out.
John: No, I
don’t have any change, get a job.
Joe: I think the
acid is getting to him.
John: Damn you
Rubik’s Cube…
Katie: That
seemed coherent.
John: …you
killed my brother!
Katie: That
didn’t.
James: John,
you’re an only child.
John [pointing
at the ceiling]: Don’t you talk to me that way!
Joe: That’s
enough acid for you John. [he pulls the mug away from him]
Dr. Johnson:
Wow, that whole situation was weird, even for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to give my pet rock a bubble
bath. [he pulls a rock from his pocket and proceeds to the bathroom] C’mon
Rocky, time to get clean.
Benji: I
remember when he first found Rocky.
[flashback to
three days ago
[Dr. Johnson trips off a small cliff
onto a rock]
Dr. Johnson: You saved my life…I’m
gonna call you Rocky.
end flashback]
James: That
didn’t make sense.
Benji: Seriously
though, did it even have to?
Joe: Guess not.
Benji: Anybody
coming close to this damned thing?
Katie: I’ve got
one side, but that’s about it.
James: I’ve got
a row…nothing too spectacular.
Joe: I’ve solved
it three times already, what’s taking you guys so long?
Uhdulph: Yours
is still in the box…it’s taken me 21 years and I’ve never done it, you expect
to tell me you did it in a matter of minutes?
[a knock is
heard at the door]
Katie: Who is
it?
[Lefty opens the
door and walks in]
Lefty: I’ve got
a new idea everybody!
Katie: You know,
customarily when someone asks who it is at the door when they knock, you
answer, then wait for whoever is inside to let you in.
Lefty: This idea
is so important, I needed to skip those other non-necessary intermediate steps.
James: But what
if you were a burglar?
Lefty: Burglar,
eh?
Benji: What’s
the idea?
Lefty: Well,
it’ll be a Rubik’s Cube solving machine, you put the cube in and it manipulates
it and solves it in a matter of seconds.
We can sell it to the factory and make millions.
Uhdulph: The
factory is closing in a week.
Lefty: Then we’d
better hurry up.
Benji: We’re
already one step ahead of you…not three feet behind like Joe was.
Joe: You were
behind me!
Benji: Trivial
details don’t count Joe.
Lefty: Fine, I
guess it’s back to the drawing board. [he steals the gang’s drawing board and
leaves]
James: Did he
just take something?
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“The Trick is to Twist the Twelfth
Side Upwise”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Uhdulph, Dr. Johnson
Katie: Think we’ll solve this thing by Friday.
Benji: I doubt
it…I don’t even know why we’re trying anymore.
Uhdulph: Ahem,
so I don’t go dirt poor when I lose my job on Friday.
Benji: You
should’ve thought of that when you took the job.
Uhdulph: I was
fourteen at the time!
Benji: Gee, and
you’re still working there…get a life.
Uhdulph: It pays
extremely well…you work at a freakin’ dog food cannery.
Benji: And I
love every minute of it.
John: Benji, I
never see you work at all.
Benji: I work
under cover of daylight.
Joe: Then why
aren’t you at work now?
Benji: It’s dark
out.
James: It’s 11
in the morning.
Benji: Fine
then, I’ll go once we solve the damn cube.
John: We need to
come up with a centralized plan of attack on this thing, I mean, we’re all
smart enough, right? [everybody makes disagreeing sounds] Okay, we’re all smart enough COMBINED,
right? [more disagreeing sounds] Fine,
I’ll come up with the plan myself. [more disagreeing sounds] Well, what do you want from me?
Katie: Money.
Benji: Fame.
Joe: Fortune.
Uhdulph: Robots.
[Dr. Johnson
screams and a loud thud is heard]
John: What was
that?
Dr. Johnson: Oh
my God, I’m so sorry Rocky. [Dr. Johnson comes running out of the bathroom
covered in soap] I killed poor Rocky,
we need to have a funeral, right now!
James: But, it’s
a rock, it was never alive.
Dr. Johnson: You
hear that Rocky? He’s making fun of
you.
Katie: I thought
Rocky was dead.
Dr. Johnson: He
is, you killed him!
John: C’mon,
let’s get back to the cube, this thing won’t solve itself. Unless we had some type of Cube Solving
Machine.
James: Lefty
already had that idea, we shot it down…then he stole our bulletin board.
John: [gasp] I
had some important information on that board.
Joe: The board
was clean.
John: I write my
important information so small you need an electron microscope to see it.
Katie: You don’t
even own an electron microscope.
Dr. Johnson: I
do…I only use it to clean my pet rocks though.
John: Anyway, I
was thinking of how we can solve this cube, how about we just try to get the
corners to fall into place and then we can get everything else to fall like a
domino into a bear trap.
James: I like
your thinking style, which is why it’s too bad we’re out of orange juice.
Benji: Oh no
we’re not, I’ve got three other dollies in my penthouse. Let me go get them. [he leaves]
Joe: Three to
one odds says Benji gets hurt.
[a loud thud
followed by a scream comes from Benji’s Penthouse]
Joe: Okay, pay
up.
Katie: Nobody
took the bet.
Joe: Damn, I
knew I was forgetting something.
Scene Nine:
“Deadbolt the Door Next Time”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji,
Uhdulph, Dr. Johnson, Lefty
Uhdulph: Bad
news, the Rubik’s Cube plant is gonna close earlier than expected…we have until
tomorrow to solve this thing.
Benji: That’s
good news.
Uhdulph: How so?
Benji: More
pressure.
Uhdulph: And
this is good because…?
Benji: You
answered your own question by trailing off there.
Joe: I hate to
alarm everybody, but in a matter of hours, we drank all of the orange juice.
Benji: Wait,
there’s one carton left.
John: You think
we should ration it?
Benji: Or we can
have a chugging contest.
Joe: I’d like to
see you in a chugging contest.
Benji:
What? I’m the man at chugging contests,
you can’t beat me.
Joe: You’re on.
[ John and James
carefully “ration” the final carton of orange juice into two equal chugging
containers]
Katie: First to
finish their container wins…ready…set…GO!
[ Joe begins
chugging easily, as Benji chokes on the first sip]
Benji: What is
this, acid?
John: Yes, it’s
citric acid, I thought that was the whole reason you bought a ton of orange
juice.
Benji: Tastes
like poison, by the way, you all owe me three hundred dollars for the orange
juice.
James: We never
told you to buy it.
Benji: Plus
another fifty for the trouble I had to go through, and two hundred for the
hospital bills to cover my dolly-related injuries.
Katie: Hell no.
[ Joe finishes
chugging and wins the contest]
Joe: What do I
win?
John: Terrible
stomach pains.
[ Joe doubles
over in pain]
Joe: Hooray!
[Lefty walks in
again]
Lefty: I have a
new idea now!
James:
Seriously, we have to do something about people barging into our place, it’s a
security risk.
Lefty [while
jamming valuables into his pockets]: We’ll market a bunch of orange juice as
acid…but what they won’t know is, it’s just citric acid!
Joe: Yeah, Benji
already got duped into that one, sorta…actually it was kinda the other way
around.
John: What is it
with you today, it’s almost as if you’ve been listening to our conversations
through the floor register and then came up here to try to make money off
us…and that’s exactly what you’ve been doing, isn’t it?
Lefty: You can’t
prove that!
[Dr. Johnson is
attempting to dig a hole in the carpet]
James: Excuse
me, what are you doing?
Dr. Johnson:
Rocky needs a proper burial.
Uhdulph: We have
24 more hours to solve this thing.
John: Let’s go
team.
[long pause]
Lefty: What
team?
John: Team
Rubik’s Cube.
Joe: We need to
work on our team-naming skills. How
about Fire Cats…that always sounds fierce.
Scene Ten:
“A Startling Revelation”
Location: Electric Avenue
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Uhdulph
Joe: This is
hopeless, we have three minutes left, and not a chance we solve this jumbled up
cube.
Uhdulph: Well
then, what am I gonna do?
James
[scoffing]: You could always get a job as a Hitler impersonator.
[Uhdulph stands
pondering as if considering it]
James: Oh God, I
was just kidding, please don’t actually do that.
Uhdulph: It
could be good money.
James: No, no it
can’t.
John: Something
must be wrong with this cube, it seems to be impossible.
Benji: Such is
the nature of the Cube…OH MY GOD, I HAVEN’T FED MY CATS IN LIKE A WEEK. [he
runs in the opposite direction]
James: Benji,
the penthouse isn’t in that direction.
Katie: Let him
go, he knows what he’s doing.
James: Are you
sure, I mean, we’re talking about Benji here.
Katie: I thought
we were talking about John.
John: No, I’m
right here.
Katie: But,
you’re always the one that’s running home frantically.
John: What?
Katie: Don’t lie
to me, I have powers.
Joe: You have no
powers.
Katie: I’m
making the snow fall, aren’t I?
James: That’s
not you, that’s the guy that lives in the mountain.
John: Wait a
minute, let me see something…
Joe: Open you’re
eyes then, nobody is keeping them closed. [ Joe walks in front of John and puts
his hand over John’s eyes]
John: Now you
are.
Joe: Shhhh, stop
talking, you’ll never know it was Joe.
John: You just
proved my point.
Joe: Damn. [he
takes his hands off John’s eyes]
John: Anyway,
1…2…3……4…5…6…
James: John’s
practicing counting I would assume.
John:
…7…8…9…10?…
James: Yes, ten
comes after nine.
John: 11?
Katie: What
seems to be the problem? You’re
counting was fine.
John: I was
counting the number of green squares on this cube…there should be only nine,
but there’s eleven.
James: Sounds
suspicious.
John: No wonder
this thing is impossible, it’s defective.
Uhdulph: Million
dollars, here I come. [he grabs the cube from John’s hand and runs]
John: Hey, give
credit where credit is due!
[Uhdulph slips
on a patch of ice and drops the cube, breaking it into millions of tiny pieces]
Uhdulph:
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
John: He got
what was coming to him.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
”Coming Up Next on Dayboqrxline…”
Location: Benji’s Penthouse
Characters: Benji
Steven [on TV]:
Coming up next on Dayboqrxline, it could affect you or someone you love. A recent string of robberies in the Red
Light District is starting to put people on edge. We have this video image to show you.
[a man,
apparently Lefty, is seen running down the street holding numerous purses]
Lefty [yelling
on camera]: GUESS WHAT!!! I HAVE A NEW
IDEA!!! THIS ONE MAY OR MAY NOT INVOLVE
ROBBERY.
Benji: Where
have I seen that guy before? OH MY GOD,
I KNEW IT WAS JOHN!
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