“On Our Own”
Episode Twenty-Seven (#1P27)
The Gang Meets the New Mayoral Candidate
Written by John Painting
Scene One:
“Friday Night
Fights”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Lefty, Dr.
Johnson, Uhdulph Heetlar, and his wife Sandy
John: Hey guys, let’s go, mayoral debate
time! Turn on channel four.
James: This oughtta be a good fight, I hear
if things go unresolved, the candidates get to box.
Benji: Why are we doing this again?
James: Because out of the nine of us in this
room, eight of them will be old enough to vote for mayor in November, so we
want to make sure we vote the right guy in.
Dr. Johnson: Who’s the lucky bastard who’ll
still be underage?
[everyone else glares at John, who is in the
middle of eating a donut]
John [with crumbs in his mouth and powder
getting all over]: Gee, well sorry for being born…
Katie [interrupting]: Finally, I got him to
say it!
John: …in late November…and that was mean
Katie.
Katie: If by mean you mean great!
Joe: He meant mean. Go sit in the corner. [ Joe hands Katie a
dunce cap]
Katie: This is yours.
Joe: [laughs] And now it’s yours! Enjoy.
[Katie puts the dunce cap on and sits in the
corner]
Sandy Heetlar: Are you guys usually this
strange?
James: This isn’t even the half of it yet.
OPENING CREDITS:
Song: (to the
same theme music as Cheers)
1. Musical
Beginning
2. Sometimes
you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,
3. And you'll
always be in pain.
4. You wanna
be where you can see, the people are all insane,
5. You wanna
go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.
6. Musical
Ending
Sequence:
(corresponding line by line from the song above)
1. A view of
downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the
screen.
2. John is seen,
startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf
creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.
3. James is seen
in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at
nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.
4. Joe is seen
in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the
camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.
5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.
6. John comes
running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your
life." The Gang runs as the store
collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting
and James Achaia."
Scene Two:
“Symptoms”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Benji, Lefty, Dr.
Johnson, Uhdulph and Sandy Heetlar
TV Personality: Hello, and welcome to the
first of no fewer than 37 Dayboqrx Mayoral Debates for 2004. I’m your host, Michael
Nickel…dime…quarter…penny……half dollar…
Voice from the audience [interrupting]: Why
are you naming coins?
Michael [on the verge of crying]: Fine, my
real name is Michael Smith…is that boring enough for all of you?
John: Works for me.
Katie [in the corner]: I don’t feel so good.
Joe: Did I hear someone in a dunce cap
speaking, that isn’t me?
James: Yes, Katie, rememem…oh, you were
being facetious.
Katie: No really, I’ve got a headache, I
feel tired, and I think I’m gonna puke.
Joe: Just don’t…
[Katie proceeds to throw up in the dunce
cap]
Joe: Damn it, how could you?!?!?
John: Katie, are you alright? You don’t sound too good.
Katie: Oh gee, thanks Einstein, I didn’t
realize that…I’m glad you’re sorry you were born.
John: Oh you BITCH! [ John gets up, then
sits down again, realizing he can do nothing]
Lefty: Guys, focus on the TV!
Michael: Let’s meet our candidates now.
[the camera pans to a man wearing a bear
suit]
Bear Candidate: ROAR…I am Bear…and I have
been named the Democratic nominee for mayor of Dayboqrx. GO DAYBOQRXINATORS!
[the camera pans to a man with a helicopter
hat on his head]
Hat Candidate: They found me outside of the
mental institution, and when I woke up, they said I was named the Republican
nominee for mayor of Dayboqrx. YAY!!!!!
[the camera pans to a man wearing a prison
jumpsuit]
Prisoner Candidate: Hi, I’m Bob Cafaltji,
present day mayor of Dayboqrx, running for re-election, with no party
affiliation.
[the camera pans back to the moderator, with
his head in his hands]
Michael: Mr. Cafaltji, you do understand
that you cannot run for mayor because of the fact that you were convicted of
grand theft auto earlier in the year.
Mayor Cafaltji: But then, who’s going to be
the mayor?
Michael: Obviously one of these two nitwits.
Bear: ROAR, ME!
Hat Candidate: Can I go home now?
Michael: NO, I need to ask questions.
[the bear throws the podium to the ground]
Bear: And I need to eat something!
[Uhdulph turns the TV off]
Benji: Why’d you do that, I was just getting
into the bear guy.
Uhdulph: These guys are obviously all nuts,
do we really want them being our mayor?
Joe: I have no problem with the bear guy.
Benji: Me either.
Lefty: He seems nice.
James: I really just don’t care.
[Katie continues throwing up]
John: Hmmm, based on Katie’s symptoms, I
wouldn’t be surprised if she were pregnant or something.
Katie: Excuse me? Go back to not being born.
John: It was just a joke.
James: But you were right, these mood swings
are something to note.
Katie [whispering]: Now what mood swings are
you [yelling now, angrily] TALKING ABOUT!
Joe: Those probably.
Katie: You wanna wear the dunce cap Joe?
Joe: You threw up in it.
Katie: That won’t make me not put it on your
head.
Joe: I’ll keep quiet.
Scene Three:
“The Worst
Idea I’ve Ever Heard”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Guys, Benji, Lefty, Dr.
Johnson, Uhdulph and Sandy Heetlar
Joe [walking back into the living room from
his bedroom]: Where’d Katie go?
John: We sent her to the store to buy some
pregnancy tests.
Joe: Really?
James: Yeah, but we expect them all to come
out negative.
Joe: Well, that’s what I said about mine,
and they turned out fine.
John: How are the triplets by the way?
Joe: Doing great.
John: AHA!
That was a trick question, it’s only been eight months since you were
diagnosed as pregnant.
Joe [under his breath, to James]: But, does
he realize they’re not real?
James: WHAT? Then what am I gonna do with those baby sweaters I knitted?
[scene switches to Uhdulph, Sandy, Lefty,
Benji, and Dr. Johnson sitting on the couches]
Sandy: What if our next mayor is worse than
Mr. Cafaltji?
Dr. Johnson: What’s wrong with Bob?
Sandy: He’s insane.
Dr. Johnson: If he’s insane, then I’m
insane.
John [overhearing]: Dr. Johnson, you are
insane.
Dr. Johnson: Fine, then he’s insane.
Lefty: I say one of us should run for mayor.
Benji: I like that idea!
Dr. Johnson: I’m all for it.
John [still overhearing]: WHAT? How is that a good idea?
Sandy: Well, would you rather have Benji as
your mayor, or would you like to have a bear, or a crazy man?
John: Maybe you haven’t been informed of
this before, but Benji is crazy…and the bear seems, I don’t know, charismatic.
Joe: [shrugs] He did eat the podium.
Sandy: Hey, I have an idea.
James [whispering to John]: Should we be
concerned?
Sandy: Uhdulph, why don’t you run for mayor?
John [whispering back to James]: Yes, very.
Uhdulph: Oh, I don’t know about this honey,
do you think I’m qualified.
Sandy: You haven’t worked since December,
you need to get out and try something.
John [under his breath]: So why don’t you
run for mayor?
Uhdulph [overhearing John]: Fine, I’ll do
it!
John: I was just…oh fine, maybe this could
at least be a little interesting series of events.
Uhdulph: Let’s go to City Hall and register!
Scene Four:
“Trust Our
Results”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang, Supermarket Creep
[Katie runs into the penthouse from the hallway
with a bag in her hands]
John: Everything alright Katie?
Katie: He’s following me again.
John: Who is he?
Voice [outside the door]: The question is
“Where is he?”
John: No, I know the answer to that, it’s
“in the hallway.”
Voice: Fine, be that way…I’ll just wait
here.
John: Katie, who is he?
Voice: WHERE?
Katie: The supermarket creep, but if you’ll
excuse me, I have to take these pregnancy tests.
James: In other news, Uhdulph might run for
mayor.
Katie: Don’t scare me before I take this
test.
Creep: Hello?
[ John carefully locks the door, then the
creep walks in]
John: Oh…I, uh, I turned that the wrong way.
Creep: Hi everyone! [everyone ignores him] I see how it is. [he leaves]
James: That was simple.
[Katie walks out of the room]
Katie: Well, I took three tests, so we
should see when the timer goes [loud ringing sound]
John: Like that?
Katie: That was the starting ring.
[three minutes pass and the ring happens
again]
John: Can we…
Katie: Halfway done ring.
[everybody groans]
[three more minutes pass, and the ring
happens again]
Katie: Now we can see…[she picks one up] So,
if I’m pregnant, the indicator will turn blue, if not, it’ll turn red.
James: So what color is it?
Katie: It turned black.
Joe: Oh, so you broke it…good job Katie.
Katie: See, this is why I bought three
tests…[she picks the second one up] If I’m pregnant, this will indicate show
one horizontal line, if I’m not, it’ll show two vertical lines.
James: And?
Katie: Three diagonal lines!
John: You sound excited…
Katie: It’s the mood swings, I’m definitely
pissed.
Joe: Well, you have one more.
Katie [holding the third one]: If I’m
pregnant, it will be a plus sign, if not, a minus sign.
John: And what happened?
Katie: This is a square root symbol!
Joe: Huh?
Katie: Just a square root symbol, nothing
more.
James: That’s kinda like a plus sign.
John: No, no it isn’t.
Katie: I guess I should go see a doctor.
Joe: Just don’t go see Dr. Johnson’s
brother…Dr. Johnson.
Katie: The one who said you were an Asian
woman with triplets. How are the babies
by the way?
Joe: They’re fine.
Katie: AHA!
Trick question, because…
John: We’ve been through it already.
Katie: Damn it.
COMMERCIAL
Scene Five:
“Na-Na-Na-Na”
Location: City Hall
Characters: Uhdulph Heetlar and a
receptionist
Receptionist: Hello there, and welcome to
the random building where average citizens can sign up to run for the mayor of
Dayboqrx City, can I help you?
Uhdulph: Hi, I’m an average citizen who
would like to sign up to run for the mayor of Dayboqrx City.
Receptionist: Okay, first name?
Uhdulph: Uhdulph. That’s U-H-D-U-L-P-H.
Receptionist: And last name sir?
Uhdulph: Heetlar.
Receptionist: What??
Uhdulph: H-E-E-T-L-A-R.
Receptionist: Oh, okay. Date of birth?
Uhdulph: April 20.
Receptionist: Isn’t that Hitler’s birthday?
Uhdulph: Yes it is.
Receptionist: Ummm, okay…year of birth?
Uhdulph: 1969.
Receptionist: And with what party will you
be running for the election of the position of mayor of Dayboqrx City?
Uhdulph: The Na……
Receptionist: The what?
Uhdulph: Na…Na…Na…
Receptionist: Excuse me?
Uhdulph: Na…
Receptionist: Nazi?
Uhdulph: [gasp] NO! How dare you associate me with that horrible
group of people.
Receptionist: I’m sorry sir, it was just…
Uhdulph: The name, the birthday, the
mustache, I’ve heard it all before. The
schizophrenia, where my other personality is Adolf Hitler.
Receptionist: What was that last one?
Uhdulph: Nothing. I’m with the Napple party.
Receptionist: That’s not a registered party,
sir.
Uhdulph: How dare you make fun of the
principles of the Napple party!
Receptionist: What’s a napple?
Uhdulph: New apple.
Receptionist: Um, okay…so, I just need your
signature, and you’re all set. [Uhdulph signs]
Thank you, and we look forward to having you participate in our next
debate on Wednesday.
Uhdulph: Alright, thank you very much.
Scene Six:
“Doctor,
Doctor”
Location: A doctor’s office
Characters: Katie, Nurse, Doctor
Nurse: Okay Ms. Stalin, the doctor will be
in to see you in a minute.
Katie: Thank you.
[The doctor pushes the nurse out of the way,
running into the room]
Doctor: Oh my God, I got here as soon as I
could, what seems to be the trouble?
Broken leg? Broken jaw?
Katie: Nothing is broken.
Doctor: Broken nose?
Katie: NOTHING IS BROKEN!
Doctor: Broken earlobe?
Katie: How do you break your earlobe?
Doctor: It’s been documented, now quickly,
what did you break?
Katie: I didn’t break anything!
Doctor: Then why are you here?
Katie: I was feeling sick this morning, and
my friends said it sounded like early pregnancy symptoms, and…
Doctor: You’re friends are idiots.
Katie: That’s what I said, but then I took
three home pregnancy tests, and they all produced confusing results.
Doctor: Did you take the one that should
change blue or red?
Katie: It turned black.
[The Doctor turns on the nearby intercom]
Doctor: We’ve got a Code Black in Room 3.
Katie [concerned]: WHAT?
Doctor: Standard procedure.
Katie: So can you tell me if I’m pregnant or
not?
Doctor: Not during this Code Black.
Katie: But, there are several pregnancy
tests in that box over there, marked “Pregnancy Tests.”
Doctor: But this is a Code Black.
Katie: But the box also says “For use during
Code Black.”
Doctor: Listen, I don’t need the thirtieth
degree from you!
Katie: What?
Doctor: You’re not pregnant.
Katie: You didn’t do anything.
Doctor: I’m a doctor, I don’t have to do
anything.
Katie: What kind of rationale is that?
Doctor: The doctor’s rationale.
Katie: What is it with all the doctors being
weird in this city?
Doctor: I resent that.
Katie: I didn’t specify which city.
Doctor: You implied Dayboqrx.
Katie: I did not!
Doctor: Face it, you did.
Katie: Listen, this is getting weird, I want
to go to another doctor.
[The doctor blocks the door]
Katie: Will you move please?
Doctor: Not during this Code Black, you
can’t leave.
[Katie tackles the doctor through the door and
leaves the building, amidst a lot of sirens]
Scene Seven:
“Debate
Madness”
Location: An arena
Characters: Uhdulph Heetlar, the moderator,
and other mayoral candidates
Moderator: Hello, and welcome to the second
Dayboqrx City mayoral debate, I am your host, Michael…Pornography.
[gasps heard from the audience]
Michael: I’m glad that caught your
attention, but my real last name is still Smith.
[disappointed groans from the audience]
Michael [laughing]: Did you all really think
you were getting porn?
Everyone in the Audience [simultaneously]:
UH HUH!
Michael [stunned]: Alright, that was
scary. Anyway, let’s meet the
candidates.
Bear: Representing the Democrats, I AM A
BEAR! And if I do not get my way, I
shall eat yet another podium!
Crazy Man: Representing the Republicans, I’m
Steve, but my friends call me [he goes into random babbling]. Or Stevie, either works.
Mayor Cafaltji: I’m still here on leave from
prison, I’m current mayor Bob Cafaltji.
Michael: Once again, Mr. Cafaltji, you
cannot run for mayor again because you were convicted, and are serving jail
time. We have one new candidate, please
introduce yourself.
Uhdulph: Hello, my name is Uhdulph Heetlar,
and I represent the Napple Party.
[the audience starts a loud commotion]
Michael: Relax, he said napple, not nipple.
[the audience groans loudly]
Michael: That’s better. Time to get this debate started, the first
question is for all three candidates.
Mayor Cafaltji: That’s four candidates,
buddy!
Michael: Security, could we please have Mr.
Cafaltji escorted from the building?
[three large security officers drag Mayor Cafaltji off stage] Thank
you. Anyway, the question is, “What
will you do about Dayboqrx’s weather situation?” Bear?
Bear: ROAR! [he throws the podium across the
stage and starts running through the audience, high-fiving people]
Michael: Okay, Stephen, it is your turn to
answer the question?
Steve: That’s not my name.
Michael: Then why did you answer to it? Oh, what now?
[Steve gets a twinkle in his eye and
pretends he is turning into the Incredible Hulk]
Steve: Hulk angry!
Michael: That’ll be enough Steve.
Steve: HULK VERY ANGRY! [he attempts to
mimic the bear and throw his podium, but he’s not strong enough] HULK IN PAIN!
[he collapses to the stage and security drags him off]
Michael: Ummm, ok, Mr. Heetlar, what will
you do about Dayboqrx’s weather situation?
Uhdulph: That is a very good question, one
that I will answer right after these commercial messages.
Michael: Umm, only I can declare a
commercial. [music starts playing in the background] Hey, wait a min…
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eight:
“Debate
Madness…Well, More of It At Least”
Location: An arena
Characters: Michael Smith, Uhdulph Heetlar
Michael: Mr. Heetlar is currently under a
two minute penalty for creating an unauthorized commercial. I am timing him on this timer [as he points
to it, it rings] DAMN! Two minutes is
up, and Mr. Heetlar may resume speaking.
In retrospect, it didn’t make sense to start the timer during the
commercial.
Uhdulph: I am now prepared to answer the
question about the weather.
Michael: Then please do so.
Uhdulph: Well, last night in preparing for
this debate, I called up my good friend Mephisto, the guy that lives in the
mountain, and, you know, we got to talking, and he told me that one of these
days, if he gets a mayor that he respects, he may change things to help us out,
you know, much less rain.
Michael: Really?
Uhdulph: Yes, but we may owe him big time.
Michael: Elaborate.
Uhdulph: You’re gonna have to pardon my
ignorance on this one, but I graduated from Rineling, so what does elaborate
mean?
Michael: This is just great, we have two
real candidates for mayor, one dresses as a bear giving high fives in the
audience, and the other is a freakin’ Rineling graduate.
[booing comes from the audience]
Michael: I forgot we were conducting this
interview in Rineling’s basketball stadium.
Anyway, elaborate means “work out with care and detail, or develop
thoroughly.”
Uhdulph: Oh, in that case, I cannot
evaporate.
Michael: What?
Uhdulph: I meant elaborate.
[the audience sounds upset again]
Michael: I’m sorry, but that may hurt you
some votes. [a note is handed to Michael] Oh, the upsetment was about the bear,
because he stopped high-fiving people so he could get a soda. In any case, we’re already out of time. I suppose we should have booked more than
ten minutes, but oh well. Join us in
one month for the third debate. Thank
you and good night.
Scene Nine:
“Maybe, Learn
Spanish?”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang
[The guys return home to find Katie dejectedly
laying on the couch]
John: Hey Katie, how was the doctors?
Katie: He didn’t help at all.
James: Really? What happened?
Katie: I told him that the indicator turned
black, and he called this weird “Code Black” and refused to treat me.
Joe: Are they still in the Code Black?
Katie: How the hell should I know?
Joe: Okay then…I’ll be right back. [he
sprints out the door]
John: I don’t even want to try to explain
that…it’d make my head hurt.
James [laying on the other couch with an ice
pack on his head]: It’s a little late for that now for James.
John: Yeesh.
Katie: So I went out and took two more home
tests, and they both came out strangely.
John: How strange?
Katie: This one would say “Yes” or “No,” but
instead it says “Oh, it’s you Katie.”
John: That can’t be good.
Katie: And the second one would have told me
verbally with this speaker thing if I’m pregnant or not…[she presses the
button]
Spanish Voice [loudly]: No señorita.
Katie: [sighs] I don’t speak Spanish.
James [still holding his head]: Let me just
say that the events of today and the past couple of days is physically causing
me pain now.
John: Same here.
Katie: Then I went to my friend Nikki to
tell her to take the tests, and they all came out clearly negative. Well, except for that Spanish one that I
still don’t understand.
James: Katie, is it even possible for you to
be pregnant?
Katie: Physically impossible.
James: Then why are you worried about it?
Katie: This is Dayboqrx, nothing is
physically impossible. I mean, isn’t
Joe pregnant?
John [sarcastic]: Right Katie, our male
friend Joe is pregnant.
Katie: You admitted it!
John: Admitted what? I was being sarcastic.
James: Don’t mind Katie, she’s just a little
pregnant.
Katie: I am not!
John: How could you be a little pregnant?
James: Dayboqrx.
Scene Ten:
“Running on
Empty”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: John, James, Katie, Benji,
Uhdulph
Katie: I suppose, maybe I’m not pregnant
then.
John: Good supposing there Katie.
[Benji and Uhdulph burst in]
Benji: GUESS WHAT?
James: Oh God, what could this be about?
Uhdulph: My debate was extremely successful!
John: Really?
Uhdulph: Yeah, I’m placing in second in the
current polls, behind that freakin’ bear.
James: We’ve established that that bear’s
got some serious charisma.
Uhdulph: I’ve got charisma too…I can do
this! [he dances rather awkwardly]
John: Please never do that again!
Katie: I have to clean that floor now.
Benji: Even I’m afraid of that
dance…ME…[pointing to himself] BENJI!
James: My head hurts more now.
Uhdulph: Fine, sorry.
John: How could you call that charisma?
Uhdulph: I failed vocabulary.
Benji: It showed in the debate, we gotta do
a better job of prepping you for being the mayor.
John: If you’ve decided you’re really gonna
run, you should pick a campaign manager.
Benji: That’ll be me.
James: I don’t think I like this idea.
John: Listen James, Uhdulph is running for
MAYOR, you’re not gonna like any idea that has anything to do with this.
James: Touché.
Uhdulph: Tomorrow, I’m officially declaring
my candidacy in a rather long winded interview at City Hall. Since it’s gonna be so long, I figure I
should break it up with some charismatic dancing.
John: NO!
James: Do not do that at all.
Uhdulph: Why not?
Katie: Your dancing scares all the children
and small animals…and, well, it scares all living creatures.
John: My plant is freakin’ out over there.
[he points to a plant in convulsions]
Uhdulph: Fine, I won’t dance anymore…after
this. [he dances strangely again as everybody else shields their eyes]
COMMERCIAL
Scene Eleven:
“Will the Real
Pregnant Woman Please Stand Up?”
Location: The Penthouse
Characters: The Gang
Katie: Thank God Uhdulph is
gone, after his third hour of dancing, I just couldn’t put up with hiding my
eyes anymore. Time to clean the floor I
guess.
James: Do you really think you
should be doing that, with you being pregnant and all?
John: She’s not pregnant!
Katie: I could be.
John: No…no, you can’t be, you
said it yourself.
[ Joe comes running in]
Joe: Guys, we all have to go to
the hospital.
John [concerned]: What is it?
Joe: My water broke.
[ Joe reveals that he sat on a
water bottle]
James: Joe, you just…
Joe: No time to lose, let’s go!
[he runs out again]
John: Oh, this should be even
more fun.
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