Fierce Creatures Script
This script is in the working stages. Its fairly incomplete and not even illustrated, it's boring and not word perfect, but no doubt some day it will be the best damn script you ever saw! Why do I bother?
Universal Logo. Intro music
"Universal Pictures presents..."Close up of Octopus logo.
"A Fish Productions/Jersey Films Picture."
Pan out. "John Cleese"
Pan out. "Jamie Lee Curtis"
We are starting to see trees and buildings. The logo is on a plaque.
Pan out. "Kevin Kline"
A woman with red hair starts to walk past.
Pan out. "Michael Palin"
Pan out. "FIERCE CREATURES"
Willa is walking in the doors of a building "Ronnie Corbett
WILLA: Hi, I'm here to see Rod McCain. Willa Weston.
"Carey Lowell"
Man picks up phone
"and Robert Lindsay."
OCTOPUS SECURITY GUARD: I'm not getting an answer. You'll have to wait ma'am.
WILLA: No, no. You see, I'm starting work here, and I can't be late.
Vince appears
VINCE: Can I help?
WILLA: I don't think so. (to guard) Could you try Mr McCain's assistant again please?
OSG: I already did ma'am.
VINCE: Sure I can't help?
WILLA: (ignoring Vince) Am I not on the list?
VINCE: Don't worry, Bill, I'll take her up. She's from the White House.
OSG: Whatever you say, Mr McCain.
VINCE: (to Willa) Vince McCain. I'm his son. (he points and they start to walk away)
WILLA: Willa Weston. I'm here to manage WOCT networks. And you are.. vice president of marketing.
VINCE: (impressed) Yeah.... but mostly I'm just waiting for my Father to die, hee hee.... so... what do you want to know about the most powerful man alive?
Cuts to shot of painting of Rod McCain
WILLA: Rod McCain.
VINCE: Round here, he's known as Rod Almighty. Uhuh.
Cuts to outside office. Desk with PA.
PA: Uh, MrMcCain...
VINCE: He called me! (to Security Guard)He called me!
Vince goes in to the office, Willa waits outside
Hey, Neville, hows it going?
NEVILLE: You'll have to wait, Rod's busy.
Noises come from behind a door
ROD: (behind door) Oh yes.... yeah.... yes... yes, YES, YES, OH YES!!!!!
Door bursts open fully clothed contrary to Vince's suspicious look
ROD: I did it! I did the deal!
NEVILLE: One four five?
ROD: One three bloody eight! Hit me!
NEVILLE: (hitting Rod in the stomach, resulting in a flatulant noise) You bloody beauty!
VINCE: Way to go Dad, we did it again!
ROD: (only just noticing Vince) Oh, it's you.
VINCE: Uh, Dad...
ROD: Can't talk, finance meeting.
VINCE: But Dad!
NEVILLE: So what do we do about Detroit, Rod?
ROD: Close it.
NEVILLE: It's done.
Neville opens door
VINCE: Dad, I'd like you to meet...
ROD: Well, hello...
WILLA: Mr McCain, Willa Weston.
They shake hands
ROD: Call me Rod.
Vince finally catches up
VINCE: Dad, I'd like you to meet...
ROD: I've done a beautiful deal Willa. Alliance Lesiure, UK. And the best part of it is, I snatched it from under the nose of that bastard Murdoch!
WILLA: What are the crown jewels?
ROD:the crown jewels will be added in at some point :)
NEVILLE: something.... something...... and ice rink... a crematorium...
ROD: Nice little owner that. And a zoo.
WILLA: A zoo?
NEVILLE: That's right.
ROD: Back Neville. (Neville bends down in front of Rod to make a make-shift desk, and Rod fills something in) Got to go Willa, finance meeting. So make a lot of money for me in... uh...
WILLA: WOCT
ROD: Sorry.
WILLA: What?
ROD: Sold it this morning. But don't worry, we'll find something for you.
Rod dissapears into a room where shouts are heard for a minute or two and then a distraught looking man leaves the room
WILLA: That's it?
VINCE: That's Dad!
WILLA: You mean I'm out of a job?! I just gave up a vice presidency...
NEVILLE: Look, Willa...
Rod appears from the room
ROD: Don't worry Willa, we've got plenty of jobs, we're always expanding. Neville, check out our liability on the Detroit pension rights.
NEVILLE: Righto.
ROD: And Vince... (Vince looks up hopefully) Go away!
Vince nods and walks off. Rod goes back in the room.
WILLA: Neville...
Neville comes back
Whats going on at that zoo?
NEVILLE: What zoo?
WILLA: The one you just acquired in Britain.
NEVILLE: Oh. We had to put in a guy from Octopus TV Hong Kong. Hard nosed little chinese bastard called Lee, used to work for the Hong Kong police. Speaks good English though.
Cuts to sunny day at an English zoo. Rollo and Di are talking.
ROLLO: ..big cats over there. And small mammals over there.
DI: Yes, that's right.
ROLLO: (contemplatively) Mammals...
DI: Um.. Do you have any background in animals?
ROLLO: Well, I've eaten a lot. Sorry! Joke!
Cuts to a large room with a stage, full of zookeepers. There is a lot of hubbub.
ROLLO: Good evening. Good evening. (Rollo walks onto the stage and everyone is quiet) Good evening. For those of you who have not yet met me, my name is Rollo Lee (his name is on a flip over giant sized notepad) and as of yesterday, I have assumed command of this zoo and I shall be reporting back to the new owner Octopus of Atlanta (flips notepad to reveal Octopus logo). As you probably know, Octopus is owned by Mr Rod McCain (flips to picture of Rod)who as I am sure you are aware is a remarkable man, starting with his Fathers radio station in New Zealand he has built himself a global empire currently more than six billion dollars (flips to reveal figure) and growing...
BUGSY: How much does he want in the end?
ROLLO: I'm sorry?
BUGSY: How much bigger does he want to get?
ROLLO: Well, there are no limits, he wants growth.
BUGSY: Surely he's aware of Dr. EF Schmacher;s concept of limited resources, or as John Forsatra put it...
ROLLO: Any sensible questions?
Pip puts her hand up
Yes?
PIP: Are you going to close down the zoo?
ROLLO: Ah.. now I'm very glad you've asked me that...
SYDNEY: No you're not.
ROLLO: Yes I am!
ALL: No you're not!
ROLLO: Ye... now look! This zoo has to make money!
BUGSY: It does!
ROLLO: Yes, yes. But not enough.
GARRY: Enough for what!
ROLLO: Now...actually, I'll tell you. (flips over pad to reveal figure) Mr McCain demands a twenty percent return on capital from each and very asset in his empire.
SYDNEY: Why twenty percent?
ROLLO: Because he does, that's why!
BUGSY: Humph! Could we explore that thinking a little!?
ROLLO: No.
BUGSY: Despite that current management theory demands...
ROLLO: Now, the big question is, how do we raise money and cut costs(zookeepers nod in agreement). Well, I'll tell you from my experince in Octopus Television, exactly what draws the biggest crowds from all over the World. (flips over sheet) VIOLENCE! Yes, Mr Sylvester Stallone did not get where he is today by playing in Jane Austen. Therefore from now on in this zoo we require only animals that are potentially violent. Fierce animals! (sheet flips over to reveal menacing animal) The rest, I'm afraid, will have to go.
SYDNEY: What do you mean go?!
ROLLO: Well, we'll have to find other homes for them.
REGGIE: What! Outside the zoo!?
PIP: This zoo is dedicated to conservation!
ROLLO: And I am all in favour of conservation and the three things I want to conserve are this zoo, your jobs and fierce creatures!
Cuts to zookeepers walking through zoo
SYDNEY: It's an outrage! He doesn't have the faintest idea what he's talking about... (to Cub and Hugh) You two don't seem very upset.
CUB: Oh we are!
SYDNEY: Just because your animals are fierce...
HUGH: No! We thinks it's...
SYDNEY: Diabolical!
CUB: Diabolical...
HUGH: Diabolical, yes...
GARRY: I mean, what does he mean by fierce? A giraffe can kick a mans head off, but you wouldn't call it fierce.
REGGIE: Well, it's the same with sea lions and penguins. People don't think of them as violent, but they can be killers!
Zookeepers shake their head in disagreement and walk off.
Why have you all gone quiet?
Cuts to Sydney fending off coatis with a chair
ROLLO: Are you trying to tell me that coati as fierce?
SYDNEY: Please Sir! You take a liberty with one of these things and they'll give you a very nasty nip!
ROLLO: A safety pin would give me a nasty nip, Lotterby. I'll tell you what fierce is, fierce is biting off the whole hand!
SYDNEY: Whole hand?!
ROLLO: (walking off) Thank you.
HUGH: It is alright if it wrenches the hand off, Sir?
ROLLO: Oh yes. Fine.
HUGH: Phew!
ROLLO: Now, Lotterby, these meerkats of yours...
SYDNEY: Please, please, Sir, don't do that! They go straight for the throat!
ROLLO: Now, this new plaque of yours says they're known as the piranha's of the desert. Is that right?
SYDNEY: They can strip a human carcass in three minutes!
ROLLO: My encyclopedia says they're easily tamed and often kept as pets.
SYDNEY: I'll check this line
ROLLO: Now, these Patagonians mara's. Devastate entire Argentinian villages do they?
SYDNEY: Oh, they completely wipe them out, Sir, shocking to watch.
ROLLO: Says here they eat grass.
SYDNEY: No, that's just for auderves, Sir, when their bloods up...
ROLLO: Lotterby, you are trying to deceive me into thinking that some of your animals are fierce...
SYDNEY: I'm talking about the rogue ones, Sir!
ROLLO: ...when in fact, they are cute, loveable and surplus to requirements!
SYDNEY: What do you want, every animal here a psycho?!
ROLLO: Exactly! I want a lethal weapon in every cage!
SYDNEY: And what are we supposed to do with all the others?
ROLLO: (starts to walk away) Simple. Get rid of them!
Cuts to Willa at work in her office with a scale model of the zoo on her desk. Vince pops his head in the door.
VINCE: Willa, can I ask you a question?
WILLA: Sure.
VINCE: Are those breasts real?
WILLA: Yes.
Vince goes back out, shouts "Whoopee!". Willa shakes her head and he re-enters.
VINCE: You know, Willa, you want to be careful being dressed like that around here. Some people may think you're sleeping your way to the top.
WILLA: Just as long as they don't think I'm sleeping my way to the middle.
VINCE: Hoo hoo hoo! What are you doing?
WILLA: I'm going to ask your Father if I can go run that zoo.
VINCE: What! You want to go to the third world and operate an animal toilet!?
WILLA: Animals, paper clips, television companies. It's all business.
VINCE: But these things smell!
WILLA: With enough marketing it could make thousands, even millions.
VINCE: (losing interest) Wow! How about dinner tonight? You can wear your office clothes.
WILLA: No, I have to get up early. I'm pitching it to Rod in the morning.
VINCE: What's the hurry?
WILLA: I dont want to give our ruthless little Chinese friend time to make an impact.
Cuts to Rollo's office. He and Di are having a heated discussion.
ROLLO: Look, I've got to be hard-nosed! McCain demands it! All the time, you've got to be tough, tough, tough!... God knows why.
DI: You mean Octopus is ruled by fear?
ROLLO: No, no... terror! I mean, I've got this once chnace to show that I can run something, or I'm out. And at my age... scrapheap.
SECRETARY: My Lee, there's a call from Atlantis.
DI: Atlantis?
ROLLO: Atlanta! (picks up phone) Hello, Lee here.
Cuts to Neville
NEVILLE: Hello Rollo, it's Nev, mate. Rod would like a work with you, okay?
Cuts between the two
ROLLO: Rod?
NEVILLE: Yeah, thats right. Wife and kids settled in?
ROLLO: (as phone is being passed to Rod) Yes, yes, everythings terrified over here, how very kind of you to ask...
ROD: Hello Rollo, Rod here. Wife and kids settled in?
ROLLO: Yes, yes, I...
ROD: So, tell me what you're going to do to push earnings up to a favourable twenty percent.
ROLLO: Well, I'd just like to take this moment to express how grateful I am to have this oppurtunity to talk to you...
The phone has been passed back to Neville.
NEVILLE: Hello Rollo?
ROLLO: Hello again, Mr McCain.
NEVILLE: No, it's Nev again mate. So the wife and kids are settled in alright?
ROLLO: Look, I don't want to seem akward, but I'm not married and I haven't got any children. What happened to Rod?
NEVILLE: Uh, he got called away. So let Rod know your plans, okay?
Neville hangs up and we remain in Rods office
ROD: Zoos are not money makers, Willa.
WILLA: With good marketing cash will come walking in the gate, and with sponsorship, even more cash.
VINCE: That was my idea, Dad, I've got several lined up already.
WILLA: Look, just think of it as a prototype for a chain of cash cows.
ROD: Sort of like a cash dairy, eh?
WILLA & VINCE: Fake sounding laughs.
Cut to the zookeepers walking along woth animals.
BUGSY: ...along the Austria-Hungarian empire. CV Wedgewood... (looks at the keepers with puzzlement as they walk past)
They knock on Rollo's door.
ROLLO: Come in.
The zookeepers come in.
Yes?
SYDNEY: Here are the animals, Sir.
ROLLO: What animals?
SYDNEY: The first batch of animals that are definately not fierce, Sir.
ROLLO: Ah, good.... (looks at them puzzlingly)
GARRY: We tried to place them with other zoos, Sir. No takers.
ROLLO: What! You mean of all the zoos in this country, you can't find a single one...
SYDNEY: Zoos are keeping less and less species, Sir.
ROLLO: Well, can we give them to people as pets?
CUB: Pets!
DI: They need expert attention.
REGGIE: Besides, it's against quarantine regulations.
ROLLO: Alright, well can we release them back into the wild?
SYDNEY: Into the wild! Thats no safe habitat for this one...
CUB: This was hand reared! You can't put it back into the wild!
ROLLO: Alright, alright. So what do you propose?
CUB: There's only one thing we can do. What the London Zoo proposed to do when the government refused to give them any funds.
ROLLO: And what was that?
CUB: Shoot them.
Rollo looks shocked and the animals all whimper
ROLLO: Are you seriously telling me there's no other way of getting rid of these animals?
SYDNEY: Not...
ROLLO: Hm?
SYDNEY: ...unless you're willing to change the fierce animals policy.
ROLLO: Nope!
GARRY: Not even under the current situation?
ROLLO: Absolutely not. The fierce animals policy is vital for the...
The zookeepers start to pack animals up and put them on his desk
..the continuing survival of... of... what are you doing?
CUB: It's just that we'd rather not shoot them ourselves, Sir.
REGGIE: We're very fond of them.
PIP: (starts to cry) We're keepers.. and now.. we're not keeping them...
ROLLO: Oh, I see! I'm shooting them am I!?
SYDNEY: If it's not too much trouble, Sir.
ROLLO: No, no. Do you have my diary there?
PIP: You will make it... quick, Sir?
ROLLO: No, I thought I'd torture them a bit first, just for fun.
PIP: You wouldn't do that!?
ROLLO: I wasn't being serious you stupid girl!
REGGIE: Hardly the time for jokes!
SYDNEY: (to a coati) Bye, bye Suzy.
GARRY: (to a mara) Bye, bye Peddle.
REGGIE: (crying, to a small emu thing)Cindy...
CUB: (to a wallaby)Be brave Mitsy.
PIP: (to a lemur)Bye Rollo.
ROLLO: I'd prefer it if you called me Director.
PIP: I was talking to the lemur!
ROLLO: The lemur is called Rollo?
SYDNEY: She named him after you, as a mark of respect.
ROLLO: (looks sad for a moment, but then...) Could you pass the marmalade please?
Di slams it down on the table and storms out
Cuts to zookeepers cafeteria
REGGIE: You should have seen the look on his face when he realised he was supposed to shoot them!
Laughter
BUGSY: Without wishing to detract from your award winning performances, may I ask what you hoped to achieve by this prank?
REGGIE: Prank!
CUB: It wasn't a prank, Bugsy. We're trying to confront him with the reality...
BUGSY: If you back him into a corner, you'll find that he will...
SYDNEY: Bugsy, shut up! We've given him the five sweetest, cuddliest, most loveable...
Sydney is cut off by a shot and he flinches for each as five are heard. We then cut to Rollo hitting patches of soil with a shovel and walking off with a wheelbarrow. The keepers approach the graves.
BUGSY: Told you so.
PIP: (crying into Sydney's arms)Shut up!
SYDNEY: Bugsy, he'll start on yours next!
Bugsy looks taken aback. We then cut to Rollo's bedroom where he is snoring. The phone rings.
ROLLO: Yes!?
Cuts between Willa's apartment where the speakerphone is on, and Rollo's bedroom.
VINCE: Hi, Rollo, Vince here. You having dinner?
ROLLO: Uh... It's two o'clock in the morning.
VINCE: Oh... Were you asleep?
ROLLO: Yes, I frequently am at two a.m. I'm afraid. Filthy habit I picked up in the Far East.
VINCE: Oh, well if this communique is in any way sleep interruptive I'll re-telephone you later...
ROLLO: No, no. It's not sleep interruptive. I can always catch up on some rest, Christmas probably.
Vince gives Willa a tiresome look while Rollo gathers himself.
ROLLO: Right.
VINCE: Okay, lets talk marketing, shall we?
ROLLO: Oh good.
VINCE: Right, first thing tommorrow I want you to send me the most current marketing figures you've got.
ROLLO: Right (lemur falls on Rollo's head). Aaaargh!
WILLA: Rollo, Willa Weston here. Are you alright?
ROLLO: (to lemur) No, no, not now, not now!
VINCE: You got a problem with now?
ROLLO: No, no. Everythings fine! Look, I'm just going to put you on hold for just one moment, okay (he puts them on hold). Now you go over there (he moves the lemur onto the table and it accidentally steps on the hold button). Look, just stop it. I've got to talk to those marketing loonies (Vince and Willa look suprised). Now just go over there and play with each other. Go on (Vince and Willa look even more suprised. Vince holds up two fingers).
VINCE: He's got two girls!
WILLA: Shhh
ROLLO: Argh! Don't pull, don't pull! Suzy, stop licking my tearful (not quite sure what that words supposed to be). Ah, ah! You pain! Cindy, get off the bed! Cindy get off! I don't want you now. (Willa holds up three fingers) I don't want you(Rollo pushes Cindy off the bed and a flatulent noise is heard). Oh, that is disgusting! (Rollo pushes the hold button and hangs up on Willa and Vince who look even more suprised) Sorry had a touch of cramp. Hello? Hello?!
VINCE: He... he must have eaten a whole rhino horn!
WILLA: Now there's a thought. I'll be right back.
VINCE: (Vince looks intrigued for a brief moment) How does he get three girls! Where does the third one go? (he stands up and starts to undress) Place is probably crawlin with young, female zookeepers. Damn! I hate it when people abuse positions of trust for their own, personal, sexual gratification... (he pauses a moment to straighten out his chest hairs)... it's demeaning to women.
WILLA: (from the other room) Vince, about those sponsorship deals...
VINCE: What sponsorship deals?
WILLA: The ones you told Rod about.
VINCE: I made that up!
WILLA: (in kitchen, turning to look through the hatch) Vince, I... What are you doing?
VINCE: Getting undressed. For sex.
WILLA: (Willa walks in with dinner) I was getting us dinner.
VINCE: Okay, you want to eat first?
Willa ducks down off screen
VINCE: Oh yeah, goody goody. Yippee!
She pulls his trousers up. He looks confused.
WILLA: Vince, I invited you here to say thank you for helping me with Rod... (she kisses him, but pulls away before he manages to get his tongue in)...not to jump in the sack with you.
VINCE: Wow. Wait a minute. What is the problem.
WILLA: I really like you. And who knows what might have happened...
VINCE: Oh, you mean if you weren't going to England tommorrow morning.
WILLA: Exactly.
VINCE: Look, it's alright. I understand.
WILLA: Really?
VINCE: Yeah.
WILLA: You're sure?
VINCE: Yeah.
WILLA: You're sure you're okay with this?
VINCE: Yeah. I'm fine.
WILLA: Thanks. (she turns back to the dinner)
VINCE: Because I'm going with you!
WILLA: (she drops the cutlery and turns around) What?
VINCE: I talked to Rod and he said we could run the zoo together!
WILLA: (not altogether convincingly) Great!
Vince starts doing a ridiculous dance and we cut to a television studio.
Email: thepingmaster@yahoo.co.uk
