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Being a Hero

    She found herself watching him.

    It was sort of worrying. Had he changed so much? Or was it just that she'd finally ceased being blind?

    After the wedding fiasco and the subsequent Spike/Anya fallout, Buffy had watched Xander suck up pain and deal like an adult - he had been the only one who actually wished Anya luck when she announced her intention to return to mortal life in another country. Apparently Anya had accepted an invitation to visit Giles and help him with a project in Britain. Xander seemed the only one who had not been surprised that she took Spike with her - their drunken 'one night stand' seemed to have developed into a lot more. The two of them seemed bemused but more than happy.

    Then, four months ago - when Tara's death brought the world crashing down about their ears as Willow went on her vengeance spree - Buffy had faced the possibility that she was about to die again. Almost too late she knew that was not what she wanted, and slayer abilities against a powerful, hell-bent witch were a poor protection. If not for Xander.....

    He'd distracted Willow long enough to allow them to harness and remove her powers.  He'd put himself in the front-line to die if Willow realised what was going on. Not because Xander actually expected he could survive, not because he wanted to impress anybody or he had a destiny to fulfill. Because he believed it was the right thing to do. He wanted to save his friends - all his friends - no matter what it cost him.

    It had been Xander who had volunteered to help Buffy run the Magic Shop to give her a better source of income than her Doublemeat job, who had slept on the couch so that he could help during the painful weeks of Willow's total withdrawal from reality, when she would rave and scream whole days and nights. She watched him juggle full-time work, caring for Willow, helping herself research/patrol and still, somehow, find time to set up a routine so that chores got done and bills got paid. All without Slayer powers, all as if it were nothing unusual. When Buffy tried to tell him how much she appreciated what he was doing she got a crooked grin and, " Somebody has to do the boring stuff. We can't all be heroes, Buff."

    Xander's shoulder was where she cried out her relief when Willow spoke her first coherent word, feeling her first hope in far too long a time. More than one heart healed as the four of them worked together to rebuild their old friendship. He was the one who did the 'Snoopy dance' that raised Willow's first smile since Tara's death and almost caused Dawn to choke on her drink. When Buffy's finances were stretched it was his suggestion that he help her out by giving up his apartment and sub-letting her basement instead. It seemed a perfect, dream solution.

    It was hell!

   Not at first, of course. At first it was even more time together - Willow, Dawn, Xander and herself sharing movie-and-popcorn sessions, chomping pizza while they played computer games or just recuperated from the latest patrol. Buffy found herself feeling the day unfinished if she failed to share a quiet chat on the porch with Xander before they went to sleep. She came to value those rare moments when he would share a memory or some secret hope of his, embarrassed to realise how little she had learned about him over the years - too taken up with her own problems, other distractions.

    Then, gradually, Willow improved enough to help out at the store - carefully maintaining her distance from all the magic supplies - and business picked up. One day two of Willow's friends from the wicca support group turned up and one of them, Candice, took an interest in Xander.

    They had their first date a week later and shortly afterwards Candy (Buffy hated that dumb name!) started popping by most evenings.....

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    "Is Candy coming by tonight?" Dawn asked pointedly as Xander checked his hair for the  fourth time in twenty minutes.

    "What?" Glancing over his shoulder he gave a scapegrace grin, " Guy likes to look his best, y'know."

     Dawn, with a quick glance at Buffy, rolled her eyes, " Xander, she's seen you all sweaty from work, covered in demon guts after last week's patrol and wearing that stupid frilly apron when you cook - obviously nothing's going to put her off!"

    "Hey! I like my apron. And you're quick enough to eat whatever I cook I notice."

    "Compared to school lunch anything is acceptable."

    Willow piped in, " Dawnie, that's not fair. Xander especially made you that scrambled egg dish last night."

    Xander turned from the mirror and fixed her with a mock-steely look, " Not helping the chef's confidence here, Will. That was a souffle."

    "Oh!" Willow frowned thoughfully, " I thought we had souffle with the beef on sunday."

    "That was my grandmother's authentic yorkshire pudding." He appealed to Buffy, " Help me out here, Buff, my cooking's not that bad - is it?"

    Gravely she assured him, " It's a thousand percent better than mine, Xander. And you look great."

    "Thanks." He looked back into the mirror and grimaced, " Maybe I should change the shirt....Would that be better?"
 
    Dawn sniggered, " Anything would. Pink is not your colour."

    "Again, hey! I wasn't the one who loaded the washer, was I?"

    "C'mon," Dawn rose, took his hand and tugged him toward the basement steps, " I'll help you choose something to make you a little more....sexy. If I can find anything like that in your wardrobe."

    "Not feeling the love here, Dawnmeister! Who died and made you fashion queen....?" he grumbled half-heartedly.

    Buffy watched the two of them leave, annoyed with herself that she found it so impossible to look away. Her gaze lingered long after they were out of sight and hearing.

    "You have to tell him, Buffy."

    She started guiltily and turned to look at Willow, faking innocence, " Tell him what?" At Willow's stern glance Buffy ducked her head embarrassed, " Is it that obvious?"

    Willow shrugged, " I know the look. Used to see it in the mirror a lot a few years ago."  Her eyes held nothing but understanding , " There's no bad here, Buffy. The two of you - he's always - cared for you, you know that."

    Buffy could feel her colour rising and blurted out, " But not like this. Not big-crush-can't-stop-watching-stalker-mode. Xander only ever talked to me about his feelings once - and I shot him down in flames!"

    "That was a long time ago."

    "He moved on, Will. Now I finally see him it's too late. I screwed up. As usual!"
 
    "No. It isn't," Willow insisted as she leant forward, " Buffy, you shouldn't say that. You just took your time realising how special Xander is - that doesn't mean it's too late to tell him!"

    The bell rang twice and Buffy sighed deeply as she rose, " But that does, Will. He has somebody in his life. I'm not going to mess that up for him. " She added forlornly," I don't have the right," then fixed a cheerful smile on her face (hoping her face did not freeze) and went to let Candy in.

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    Willow, Dawn and Buffy washed up after dinner, volunteering to give Xander and Candy more time alone. Buffy scrubbed savagely at the china, only stopping as she realised she was all too likely to rub the design right off.

    "She's not right for him," Willow whispered as Dawn carried through glasses to the cabinet in the lounge.

    "It's none of my business!" Buffy hissed back.
 
    "She won't make him happy. Not like you could."

    Slamming a plate into her friend's hands Buffy snapped, " Can we not do this? Please?  I've missed my chance, I know that.  And I'm not risking losing one of my best friends by pushing for something he doesn't want to give me. Xander doesn't feel that way about me anymore - and I can't and won't hurt him or make him uncomfortable. What we have is enough. I can't take any more-."

    "Nor me!" Dawn watched the two of them jump and turn to stare at her, " Oh, please, I'm sixteen!" Lowering her voice she stabbed a finger in the direction she had returned from, " Buffy, Xander is settling. And you're letting him! Not hurt him? Are you stupid? Of course he wants you." Dawn rolled her eyes, " Now you've finally woken up it's time to make a move. You tell him - or I will."

    Buffy stared at her, shocked and horrified, " You wouldn't."

    "Try me." Dawn's face held nothing but challenge, when Buffy failed to respond quickly enough she raised her voice and shouted, " Xander! We have something to tell you!"

    One second too late Buffy lunged forward and covered her sister's mouth with one soapy hand, ignoring Dawn's spitting disgust, " Dawn, you mustn't."
 
    "If she doesn't, I will," Willow threatened.

    "I can't do this," Buffy wailed.

    "Can't do what?" Xander watched the amount of startled jumping followed by guilty expressions as he walked into the kitchen, " S'up, guys? Looking like it's bad news or something."

    Throwing furious looks at Dawn and Willow, meeting determind expressions in turn, Buffy swallowed hard and asked, " Could I talk to you for a minute, Xander? Outside. Alone."

    He frowned in puzzlement and shrugged, " Sure, Buff, but can't it wait 'til later?"

    "Apparently not," she commented bitterly and led him out the back door, closing it firmly on Willow and Dawn's would-be inconspicuous shuffles forward to get close enough to eavesdrop.

    Xander took a seat on the stoop, patting the place beside him, " So, what's up?" Seeing her hesitate as she seated herself he grinned at her, " Buffy, scaring me here. After everything we've been through together what's so bad you're worried about sharing it with me?" Abruptly Xander grabbed her hands, " Not another prophecy about you dying?"
 

    "No. It's just..."

    He prompted, " A new Big Bad? You've met another cute vampire? Help me out here - I'm running out of options!"

    "I love you." Aghast that the words were finally out of her mouth Buffy stared at him, half-terrified, half-hopeful. She found herself enveloped in a huge hug and sighed with relief.

    "Love you too," Xander said back. Releasing Buffy he sat back, patting her knee affectionately, " You, Willow and Dawn - you're my best buds. Nobody I love more."

    Her heart plummeted and Buffy felt her throat close up with sudden tears, then bit her lip savagely and forced herself to say, " No, I mean 'I love you'. I love you, Xander."  Watching his dark eyes widen in shock Buffy whispered, " I - love - you!"

    "Oh my god!" Xander blinked and rose, starting to pace up and down, "When did this happen?"

    Buffy shrugged uncomfortably, trying to catch his eye, " I don't know. It just...happened.  You've been part of my life - for so long - and I - I -."

    "Took me for granted?" At her startled glance Xander chuckled wryly, " Buffy, I knew the deal - you never lied about it. You 'didn't think of me that way' - I understood that. Didn't like it but I accepted it was how you felt. Now you've suddenly changed your mind? What do you expect me to do?" He gestured to the house, " I have a guest. A really nice girl who seems pretty much crazy about me. I'm meant to throw that aside 'cos you've decided ol' Xand's turn has finally come? Did we run out of vampires and soldiers?"

    Buffy flinched, feeling her tears break free and run down her cheeks, " Don't..."

   "Don't what, Buffy? Be angry that you never noticed how much it hurt when you picked other men over me? Do you have any idea what it felt like to watch you have your heart broken, to watch you die? And all I could do was make stupid jokes to make you smile. I couldn't even hold you when you cried. It was agony, Buffy, I hated it - but it was the price I paid to be close to you and help the only way I could. So I did."

   She covered her face with her hands, " I never meant to hurt you, Xander. I truly didn't."  When Buffy dared to move her hands away and lift her eyes to his she saw a bleak finality there.

    "There's something I have to do," Xander announced and walked past her, opened the kitchen door (scattering Willow and Dawn) and stalked through the house.

    They rushed to Buffy, Willow and Dawn taking either side to hug her as she sobbed desperately into Willow's shoulder, " I blew it, Willow. He's - Xander's gone." Helplessly Willow hugged her close, rocking her and making wordless soothing sounds.

    None of them knew how long their group-hug lasted before a cough made them all look up and a familiar voice said, " Is there any place in there for me?"

    "XANDER!" He was dragged into their embrace. After a few moments Willow tugged Dawn's arm and indicated the kitchen. Carefully they sneaked away, leaving Buffy and Xander clinging to one another.

    "I thought I lost you," Buffy murmured into his shoulder," When you went away like that..."

    "I got Candy a cab home." Xander tilted her chin up, brushing tears from her cheeks, "She and I broke up, it's over. I'm sorry for what I said, Buffy. It was wrong of me to-," as she opened her mouth to protest he laid a finger on her lips, " Yes, it was. I hurt you, that's the last thing I ever want to do. Let's forget the past - it's over - we move on. And you're never losing me, understand? We'll be little old wrinkly people with no teeth and you'll still never lose me! People will think we're some sort of siamese twins we're together so much."

    Impulsively Buffy pulled him down into a kiss, feeling herself melt into the taste and feel of his body, his flesh, until it seemed as if they were one being. Only lack of oxygen finally broke them apart.

    "Wow - Buffy - that was -."

    "Amazing. I know." She tried to draw Xander back into a kiss and stopped when he resisted, " What's wrong?"

    There was suddenly a teasing grin on his face," It's just - I'm not usually the kind of guy who kisses on a first date."

    Buffy felt herself begin to smile back, " So, this is a date then?"

    "I guess so." They kissed again and he chuckled into her mouth.
 
    She slapped his chest very gently, " What's so funny?"
 
    "Nothing. I'm just happy."

    "Me too." Kissing him again Buffy added in a whisper, " And I'm holding you to that promise, Xander Harris. You promised me forever - I won't accept anything less...."

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    "Dawn, " Willow hissed into the dark kitchen, " Leave them alone, it's not nice to watch."

    "I'm just interested!" A pause, " D'you think they breathe through their ears or something. Nobody can go without oxygen that long."

    "Come drink your chocolate."

    Dawn sighed and took a last peek, giving a little eeew as she noticed that clothes were starting to come adrift, she hurried away, " Willow, may I borrow your earplugs? I do not want to listen to noises all night."

    Willow handed over the drink with a blush and a disapproving look, " Dawnie, they're not going to do the - y'know - bed thing. Not right away."
 
    "Oh, I know that." Dawn sipped her drink, " I meant when we have the neighbours call the cops and they come round to see what's going on - the two of them don't look as if they're going to make it to a bed!"

    At Willow's squeal and subsequent rush for the kitchen and backporch Dawn called out, "While you're up can I have some more popcorn....?"