Primates, Precautions, and Presumptions

    You know, logically, it seems like we really should have gotten somewhere this morning.  And yet, we’re right back where we started.  While I was busy freaking out about what was going on in that broody, vampire head of his, he actually turned around and looked me right in the eye.  It’s ironic, really.  Here I was, planning to catch him off his guard, and he ends up catching me off mine!  I don’t know how long we just sat there, staring.  I wanted to say something to him, something really effective and compassionate, but his eyes rendered me completely speechless.  For weeks now, I’ve been picturing what it would be like once he finally looked at me again.  I expected his eyes to be red and tired.  I’m pretty sure I imagined some tears once or twice.  The image I’d built up in my mind was so detailed that sometimes I would forget it wasn’t real.  I never dreamed his eyes would be like what they were.
    I remember sitting at my desk, looking at the back of his head.  I only blinked once, and when I opened my eyes again, there he was.  He was just…sitting there.  Staring.  He was staring at me with these black orbs that reminded me of a bottomless pit or something equally as terrible.  There was no redness.  There were no dark circles.  His eyes were dry as a bone, too.  They were just dark.  I don’t even think the light from the desk lamps reflected in them.  They gave me the creeps.  He gave me the creeps.  I know it’s horrible to think that about someone you love who’s clearly in pain, but I couldn’t help myself.
    So, there I was, staring at him, and I hope and pray to God that my mouth wasn’t hanging open.  Then, I did the most moronic thing possible.  I got up and left the room.  The word ‘scurry’ may even be appropriate here.  I’m still tingling with disbelief that I could’ve been so dumb as to do something like that.  I’m not even going to begin to think about what was going through his mind when I ran off, abandoning him when he was finally ready to let me in on what he’s feeling.  I am such an idiot.
    I’ve shut myself in Wesley’s office for the afternoon.  Wes took the day off, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.  I would do anything to not see Angel again today, and Wesley’s office was the nearest room with a door that locks.
 

    I don’t blame her at all.  I know she must be angry with me, and I don’t blame her.  It was too soon, too presumptuous of me to have just looked her in the eye like that.  I don’t remember being remotely surprised when she left the room the way she did.  I don’t know that I’ll be able to forgive myself for all the extra pain I’ve tacked onto an already painful experience for her.  Pushing her away like I’ve been doing is the absolute wrong way to go about this, but I just can’t seem to do anything else.  I wonder if my being a vampire, soul or no soul, dooms everyone who comes into contact with me to a life of pain and suffering.  Or maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m dead and I’ve got a demon inhabiting my body.  Maybe it’s just me.
    I don’t know what possessed me to look at her so suddenly.  I had this awful feeling that I was losing her, and I wanted to make sure she was still there.  Still with me.  I couldn’t stand another loss.  Losing Buffy…oh God, it’s unbearable.  I can’t lose Cordelia, too, I can’t.  So I looked at her, just to check that she was all right.  She looked shocked to see me.  Not what I expected, but I don’t really know that I expected anything.  I should never have assumed I could abruptly act like I cared about her after ignoring her for a month.
    She’s in Wesley’s office now.  She’s been in there for hours.  I understand why she doesn’t want to see me or be around me.  If I were Cordelia, I wouldn’t want to see me either.
 

    What a mess I’ve gotten myself into.  I’m so afraid to leave this room because if I did, I would have to risk hurting him again.  But I really have to use the ladies’ room.  I suppose I can hold out for another thirty minutes or so, but I make no promises beyond that.
    I feel terrible.  Physically, I mean.  Something inside me just will not stop aching, and it only gets worse when I think of him sitting out there with his shoulders slumped and his hands folded in that way he folds them when he’s upset.  I really have to stop thinking about him.  Wesley will not appreciate the vomit that’s going to be all over his desk if I don’t stop.
 

    I’ve got to do something before I really do lose her.  For all I know, she may be on the brink of leaving me completely.  If I had just…  It’s too late for that kind of thinking.  I’ve got to try to focus on how to make this right.  I’ve got to try.
    Wesley’s here.  When I heard a door open, I thought for a second that it might be her.  It was Wesley.  He’s walking very softly, almost on tiptoe.  Have I really been that horrible that they are afraid to walk normally around me?  He’s looking around, but trying to be discreet about it.  Why?
    ‘Where’s Cordelia?’ he asks me.  Why is he suddenly so retiring?  Maybe he’s been that way for a while, and I haven’t noticed.
    ‘She’s in your office.’ Was that menacing?  I really hope not.
    ‘My…whatever for?’ I thought he would be angry, but he just sounds tired.  He keeps staring at the floor, too.
    ‘We…we, uh, there was a little…mishap.’
    ‘What happened?  Is she all right?’ he says, and his voice has an urgency in it that wasn’t there before.
    ‘Yes, she’s fine.  I mean, she’s in one piece.  I’m not sure if she’s really…alright.’ That doesn’t make any sense.  Why do things never come out like I want them to?  ‘I may have, I mean, I did something I shouldn’t have this morning, and she, uh, got upset and angry with me, and—and now she’s in your office.’
    He’s nodding at me very slowly, and he looks even more confused than before.
    ‘I won’t bore you with the details.’ I just want her to know that I feel awful about what happened.  ‘Wesley, will you tell Cordelia how terrible I feel about what I—about what happened?  Please?’
    ‘Certainly,’ he says, and he’s still got that bewildered expression on his face.
    I think I’ll go sit in my room.  Lights off, of course.
 

    Angel or no Angel, I can’t sit here any longer.  I’m going to have to bite the bullet and go back out there.  Naturally, I’ll run like the wind as soon as I’m out there, and then I’ll run straight back in, but at least I’ll have gotten to powder my nose.  But that will be worse than if I was walk very nonchalantly to the little girls’ room!  Then he’ll really think I can’t stand to be near him.  Oh, well.  I guess I’ll make it up as I go along.
    Okay, Cordelia.  Grip handle firmly, pull.  Grip handle, pull.  Grip, pull.  Very simple, and here we go.  Grip handle firmly—Wesley!
    ‘Oh, good grief, Wesley!  What are you trying to do, send me into hysterics?’ That was harsh.  Calm, Cordy.  Calm.
    ‘I apologize, Cordelia, but it is my office.’ He’s not mad.  That’s good, right?
    ‘I’m really sorry about invading your inner sanctum, but I had to—’ Wait, is Angel still out there?  Darn it, Wesley!  Move your arm, I can’t see!  ‘Is Angel…?’
    ‘No, he’s gone off somewhere.  He already told me about this morning.’ Wesley sounds stern!  There’s definitely some stern in there!  That’s why he’s not mad, he’s disappointed in me.  Crap.
    ‘He did?’ Should I have tried to sound innocent?
    ‘Yes, and he wants me to make sure you know how upset he is about what happened.’ Wesley sounds very compassionate.  I’m glad one of us does.
    ‘Excuse me, Wes.  I have somewhere to be.’ I’ve got to get out of here for a while.  I have to get away from Angel.  After I use the bathroom.
 

    What time is it?  Morning already?  I can’t believe I slept so long, especially since I had such awful nightmares.  And my hair must look horrible.  I wish I could see my reflection.
    Buffy was there.  She was sitting in the dark with me.  I wanted her to leave.  I thought the darkness was choking her.  She wouldn’t leave, even though I begged her to.  We were suddenly fighting.  Her lip was bleeding.  The sun was rising, and I pushed her through a window.  The glass cut her and got all over the floor.  I looked out the window, and she was fine.  She got up and walked away.  Then she was gone.  Just gone.  I turned around, and Cordelia was there, picking up the pieces of glass with her bare hands.  Her palms began to bleed, and I could smell it.  I told her to stop, I said I would do it myself.  But she wouldn’t let me, and she was bleeding even more.  I screamed for her to leave it alone, it was only glass and what did I need a window for anyway, but she smiled at me and wiped some of the blood from her hands on her jeans.  I got angry, and I changed.  I hit her, and she fell.  She didn’t move, so I rolled her over.  She was dead.  A shard of glass was embedded in her heart.
    I’m awake now, and I still feel like I’m dreaming.  I’m still losing her, and I don’t know how to stop it.
 

    Why is that whenever I really need a pen, I can never find one?  I need to write Wesley a note saying that I’m going on a little vacation to, I don’t know, San Diego.  They’ve got a zoo there, and I’m sure it’s nice.  I hope there’s monkeys.  Plus, there’s no Angel there.  No opportunity for me to take a sledge hammer to that stake lodged in his heart and make it just a little bit snugger.  It would definitely be more courteous of me to tell Wesley in person that he’s going to have to find another internet-research-girl, but he would never let me leave if I did that.  It’s no big deal.  Fred can handle the internet, she’s sharp as a tack.
    Ah, a pen!  Trust Gunn to hoard them all.  Note written, note folded, and note slipped under Wesley’s door.  Now I’ve got to get out of here before someone sees me and forces me to use yet another search engine.
 

    I think I may have almost given Fred a heart attack.  I was in such deep, tortured thought that I didn’t hear her coming out of Wesley’s office.  She’s okay now that’s she’s stopped hyperventilating.  At least I think she is.
    ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
    ‘Oh, yes, I’m just fine.  I mean, I will be once my heart gets out of my throat and back down where it belongs.  Did you want to see the boss?’ she says.  She means Wesley.
    ‘Yeah.’
    ‘That’s too bad.  He says he doesn’t want to be bothered, but then again, when has that stopped anybody?’ I’m glad someone is happy enough to laugh.
    ‘Is he busy with something?  I really need to talk to him…’
    ‘He’s trying to think of a way to convince Cordy to stay in LA.  I suggested bribery, but when has the boss ever taken any of my—’
    ‘Stay?  She’s leaving?  Where’s she going?’ Don’t panic.  I won’t let her go.  I can’t, and I won’t.
    ‘San Diego, I think.’ Why doesn’t Fred sound more concerned?  This is Cordelia we’re talking about, isn’t it?  ‘I don’t really have all the details.  If you want to know more, go ask Wesley.’
    ‘Thanks, Fred.’ This is all my fault.
 

    This is harder than I thought it would be.  I can still hear Angel and Fred saying stuff in the lobby.  Finally, Angel’s gone.  Just a hop, skip, and a jump to the front door, and I’m home fr—Gunn!
    ‘What is it with you guys and jumping out at me today?’ I don’t care if that was mean.  He deserved it.  Okay, I care, but less than usual.
    ‘Down, girl!  Since when is it illegal to open a door?’ Oh, good.  He’s not hurt.  Gunn, hurt?  Ha, silly me for even thinking such a thing.
    ‘It’s not!’ My, that was sulky.  How old am I?
    ‘Good.  What’s the matter with you today, anyway?’ What isn’t the matter with me?
    ‘Not much.  I just have to get out of here very soon.  As in right now.’ I’ve got to get past him.  Angel could come back any second.
    ‘Where’s the fire?’ he says, and he laughs at me!  This is completely the wrong time to joke with me, Charles.
    ‘Shut up, Gunn!  I don’t have time for this.  I have a plane to catch.’ I’ll book the flight as soon as I get home.  Dennis is really not going to be happy with me when I tell him I’m going to San Diego for a while.
    ‘Plane?  You got a private jet I don’t know about that’s gonna fly you to your apartment?’ Ugh.
    ‘No, moron!  I’m going to San Diego, hence the flight catching.  Now get out of my way!’
    ‘Hey, hey!  Cool down, Cordy!  San Diego?  Why?  For how long?  Does Wes know about this little vacation of yours?’ Nosy much?
    ‘If you must know, I’m leaving because Angel is angry and upset at me, and I figure that he really doesn’t need any more of that right now.  How long?  As long as it takes me to learn how to be sensitive.  Wesley knows, he doesn’t approve, but I don’t really care.  That about cover it?’ Please, please let me go.  I can’t be here anymore.
    ‘What if you get a vision?  No one will be there to help you,’ he says, and he actually has the nerve to grab my arm.
    ‘If I get a vision, I’ll call you guys.  You all have cell phones.  It won’t be that big of a deal.  I haven’t had very many lately anyway.’ He still doesn’t believe me, and he won’t let go of my arm!  ‘Gunn, I won’t be gone for longer than a couple of weeks.’
    ‘This isn’t you.  The Cordelia I know doesn’t turn tail and run when something goes wrong.’
    ‘Well, maybe I’m not the Cordelia you know anymore.’ Don’t cry.  Wait until you get home, then cry.
    ‘Look, I don’t know what’s up between you and Angel, but it doesn’t matter.  Work it out, or whatever.’ If only it were that simple.
    ‘It’s not that simple.’
    ‘Then make it that simple!’ Don’t get angry with me, don’t…
    ‘I can’t, Gunn.’
    ‘Can’t?  Or won’t?’ Please, Gunn, stop.  You’re hurting my arm, you’re hurting me…  ‘I can’t believe that you of all people would be this selfish.  I can’t believe you would leave him here right now when it’s totally obvious that you’re the one he needs the most.  Maybe the only one he needs.’
    ‘Selfish?  You think I’m selfish?’ Cordelia, why couldn’t you have waited until you were alone to cry?
    ‘Yeah, right now it looks that way.’ He sounds like he means it.
    ‘What do you want, a confession?  Yes, I admit it!  I’m being horribly selfish in leaving Angel!  It’s always all about me, right?  I tried to fool you into thinking that I’m doing this for him, that I’m trying to take away just a fraction of the pain he’s carrying around, but I failed miserably!  The real and very self-centered reason I’m leaving is because every time he hurts, I hurt.  His pain is my pain, and sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like I might die.  Staying here would only hurt him more and that means more pain for me!  I’ve already hurt him more than I ever dreamed I would.  He trusted me, and I abandoned him.  He’s used to having his heart broken, but it’s too much for me to bear.’ Breathe.  Oh God, I’ve got to breathe.
    ‘Cordy, I…’ Don’t.
    ‘Don’t.  Please let go of my arm.’ He lets me go, and I’m finally out the door.
 

    ‘Cordy’s leaving?’
    ‘What?  Oh, Angel.  Good morning.  Yes, she’s leaving.’ He sounds as though he’s given up on trying to make her stay.  This could be worse than I thought.  ‘She’s going to San Diego, something about wanting to see monkeys.’
    ‘And you’re going to let her go?’ Wesley can’t be serious.
    ‘What choice do I have?  You know as well as I do that there’s no arguing with her once she’s made up her mind.’ Good point.
    ‘Did she say why she’s leaving?’ As if I didn’t already know…
    ‘Not to me.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with you, Angel,’ he says, and he doesn’t sound at all convincing.  He’s not even convinced of it himself.
    ‘It has everything to do with him.’ Gunn.  Perfect.
    ‘That’s rather insensitive of you, Gunn,’ says Wesley, and he’s half-whispering, like he doesn’t want me to hear, even though I’m standing two feet away from him.
    ‘What’s that supposed to mean?  It’s not like it’s his fault that Cordelia feels guilty.’ Guilty?  What does she have to feel guilty about?
    ‘Guilty?  I don’t understand…’
    ‘What’s not to understand?  She thinks you’re angry at her because she hurt you, you think she’s angry at you because you hurt her, and you’re both so completely mixed up that you can’t see what’s really going on.’ What’s Fred babbling about?
    ‘What is going on?’
    ‘Angel, you’ve got it all wrong.  She’s not angry at you, not even close.’ Then why is she leaving?
    ‘Yeah, that’s right.  Cordy told me she was leaving because was afraid of hurting you any more.’ I have a feeling that’s not all she told you.  I’ve got to tell her to stay.  She has to know how much I need her.
    I’ll slip out while they’re not looking.  I couldn’t take another one of Wesley’s lectures about giving Cordelia her "space."  I think giving her too much space was the problem to begin with.
    ‘Oh, dear.  Angel, I would suggest that you—’
    ‘Where’d he go?’
    ‘Cordelia’s, silly.’
    ‘Thank you , Fred.  This situation could have gotten quite out of control if it weren’t for your interference.’
    ‘Oh, that’s alright.  You two would have done the same thing if you weren’t so busy being oblivious males.’
 

    Good Lord, I must have enough packed here for a month.  I won’t have to be gone that long, will I?  I hope not.
     ‘Oh, come on, Dennis.  Stop sulking.  I’ll bring you a stuffed animal from the zoo!  You’d like that, wouldn’t you?  So what animal is your favorite?  I hope it’s not giraffes, those can get expensive—’ Ugh, who are you and why are you pounding on my door?  I swear, if it’s some bloodthirsty demon, I’m gonna knock its block off.  I am so not in the mood.
    ‘Cordelia?’ Angel.  Oh my God.  He looks upset.  What is he doing here?  Hey, and there’s that awful ache again.
    ‘Angel.  Here, come in.’
    ‘Thanks.  I…I wanted to tell you that—that I’m not—’ I’ve got to sit down for this one, I bet.
    ‘You’re not what?’ Dare I ask?
    ‘I was never, could never, ever be angry with you.’
    ‘You’re not upset with me?’ Don’t sound too elated.  The man is still in mourning.
    ‘Cordelia, never.’ I love it when he says my name.  ‘Please don’t leave.  I need you with me.’ Is that so?  Would it hurt you to show it maybe just a little?
    ‘That’s nice to hear, Angel.’ He’s sitting next to me on the couch.
    ‘Are you still angry?’ Choose your words carefully, Cordelia.
    He’s sitting here, pleading with me with those eyes of his.  He’s so vulnerable right now.  What am I going to do?
 

    ‘I never was angry at you.’
    ‘Then you’re not leaving?’ Please stay.  Please say you’ll stay.
    ‘Oh, I’m still leaving.’ What?
    ‘What?  Why?’
    ‘Because I don’t believe you.’
    ‘What don’t you believe?  And if you were still angry with me, why didn’t you say so?’ Don’t raise your voice.
    ‘I wasn’t angry with you before, but I am now!  You come in here and spout off about how much you need me, yet you’ve been ignoring completely for a month!  You know, I told Gunn that I was leaving to help you, and he knew that was a lie.  Then I told him that I was leaving because I selfishly wanted less pain for myself, and he believed me.  But Angel, that was a lie, too!’
    ‘Cordy…’ It’s too late, I’ve lost her completely.  I’m looking into her eyes, and all I see is how much I’ve hurt her, and it’s beyond anything I suspected before.  I’ve never hated myself more.
    ‘No, don’t do that.  Don’t look at me like I’m breaking your heart when you’re the one who insists on breaking mine, and all for the sake of your brooding or your pride or whatever it is that has prevented you from noticing that maybe someone else was hurting this past month!  Do know the real reason I’m leaving, Angel?  I didn’t even know myself until just a minute ago, but do you know?’
    ‘No.’ I know why.  I see the tears staining her blouse, and I know why.
    ‘I’m leaving because you abandoned me, not the other way around.  I watched you every single day to make sure you wouldn’t try and stake yourself or something.  I sat on the edge of my seat waiting for you to ask me for help.  I practically gave up eating and sleeping with all the worrying I was doing about you!  But did you ever pull your head out of your butt long enough to look around and realize that I was in a lot of pain, too?  That maybe I might need just a little help?’ Please don’t cry.  I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.  Let me help you now.  I’ll do anything…
    ‘Cordelia, I wanted to so badly—’
    ‘But you didn’t.  And now you come running to me, saying you need me, and I can’t think of a good reason why I should think that’s true, considering your behavior of late.  So tell me, Angel!  Tell me why.  Tell me why I should unpack this damn suitcase and go back to work in that smelly old hotel with you!’
 I’m opening my mouth to tell her, to scream at the top of my lungs why I need her with me, but I can’t make a sound.  She’s laughing at me and picking up her suitcase.
    ‘That’s what I thought.’ She’s not even looking at me when she says this.  Dennis is opening the door for her.  Move, Angel, move!  ‘Dennis, make sure Angel finds his way out after I’m gone.  It’s his turn to feel alone.’
 

    I’m nearly there.  Dennis, always the gentleman, is holding the door open.  I completely regret what I just did, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.  Is there?
    Crap, he scares me sometimes.  Angel is suddenly standing between me and the door he just slammed.  Poor Dennis.  I doubt he saw it coming.
    ‘Dammit, Cordelia!’ The way he’s looking at me, I don’t know whether I should be scared or relieved.  ‘Dammit, Cordy…’
    ‘Angel—’ He’s brushing his thumb across my lips.  It’s been a long time since he touched me last, but he’s never touched me like this.
    ‘Look at me.’ Oh, I am, believe me I am.  ‘You have to—no that’s wrong.  I want you to understand, I…I pushed you away because I was afraid.  I was afraid that I would, that I might…’
    ‘What?’ I want to hold him.  I don’t know where all that anger went, but I’m glad it’s gone.
    ‘I was—’ he says, gritting his teeth.  ‘I was so angry.  Angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at Buffy…’
    ‘Oh, Angel…’ He’s backing away.  I don’t think he’ll let me touch him, and I’m not going to try right now.
    ‘I was furious with her for not asking for my help.  For being…for being the perfect sacrificial Slayer.’ He’s pausing, and I know he’s trying to find the rights words.  ‘I knew you were all hurting.  And you, I could feel your pain, Cordelia.  I can always feel you,’ he says, and he’s whispering so quietly that I can barely hear him.  I’m pretty sure I can feel my heart breaking all over again, but this time, I’m not angry with him.  ‘I stayed away from you because—because I wasn’t sure what it would do to you.  I…I wasn’t sure what I would do to you.’
    I’m trying to say something, and the words just stick in my throat.  I can taste the saltiness of the tears that are covering my face and the front of my blouse.
    ‘And now you’re leaving me.  Please, Cordy.  Please, I…’ Angel, I’m never leaving.  I can’t leave.  ‘Cordelia, I…I love you.’
    ‘You-you…love me?’ Oh, good job, Cordelia.  Make it sound like you’re disgusted.  Nice.
    ‘Yes.’  He’s turning around and opening the door.  He’s walking away from me.  Again.
 

    I don’t believe this.  I’m trying to get some sleep in my own home, and some people are outside stomping around in the hallway.  I hate when I have to grumble and be the quintessential annoying neighbor, but sometimes, my need for sleep demands that I be obnoxious.  I’ll open the door a crack first to make sure it’s not a bunch of drug dealers or something.  You know, people with guns and itchy trigger fingers.
    Oh, geez, wow.  It’s that guy who’s always around Cordelia’s.  I think she works for him.  I wouldn’t mind working for a guy that good-looking.  Maybe I shouldn’t yell and scream at him.  He looks like someone just ran over his favorite puppy with a freight train.
    Ah, there’s Cordelia.  Whoa, she looks really upset.
    ‘Angel!’ Is that really his name?  Angel.  It’s surprising how much it fits him.
    This is weird.  I thought they were co-workers.  They look kinda…involved.  She’s pulling him toward her by his coat collar, and he doesn’t seem to mind at all.  It’s sweet, though.  I think I remember her telling me once a little while ago that a friend of theirs died and that they were still having trouble dealing with the grief.  Maybe this is just them commiserating.  Now she’s crying into his shirt and clutching him around the middle.  Oh, good, he’s holding her, too.  I hate it when guys get all macho and don’t want to be sensitive when a woman most needs him to be.
    ‘Cordy, I meant what I said,’ he whispers.  I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but this is getting too good.
    ‘I know.  I didn’t mean what I said.  I don’t want you to be alone, and I’m not leaving you, ever.’ Aww, that’s so nice!  Now she’s looking into his eyes.  ‘I’m yours for as long as you need me, Angel.’
    ‘Even when you become an international superstar?’ I could die, this is so adorable.
    ‘Yes, even then.  It’ll be difficult to work out the time schedule, but for you, it would be worth it.’
    He smiles at her.  Good heavens, he’s gorgeous.
    ‘Cordelia, if—’
    ‘Angel,’ she says, and she’s crying again, but smiling at the same time.  ‘I love you, too.’
    This is obviously very awkward territory for both of them.  They just keep smiling at each other.  She’s still holding onto his collar, and he’s wiping away her tears, like they don’t really know what to do next.  I’m sure they’ll figure it out soon enough.  I’m not gonna stick around to find out, however.  I’m going back to bed.  It’s quiet now anyway, and I didn’t even have to yell.