Xander's Thoughts On…

Meeting Buffy for the First Time…
Willow: Buffy, this is Jesse and that's Xander.
Xander: Oh, me and Buffy go way back, old friends, very close. Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people, but now here we are, like old times.  I'm quite moved. (Welcome to the Hellmouth)

Xander (handing Buffy a stake she has dropped): The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence. (Welcome to the Hellmouth)
 

On Life on a Hellmouth…
Xander: This is just too much.  I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh- oh, pop quiz.'  Today it's 'Rain of Toads'. (The Harvest)

Xander: One thing's for sure: nothing's ever gonna be the same. (The Harvest)

Buffy: What exactly were you expecting?
Xander: I don't know, something. I mean, the dead rose. We should at least have an assembly. (The Harvest)

Xander: Oh, this is fun, we're on Monster Island. (Teacher’s Pet)

Buffy: There's some new hoidy-toidy vampire sect in town.
Xander: Well, hey, they're bringing in the much needed tourist dollars. (Never Kill a Boy on the First Date)

Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there. (Nightmares)
 

Saving His Friends…
Xander: Look, Jesse's my bud, okay? If I can help him out, that's what I gotta do.  Besides, it's this or chem class. (The Harvest)

Giles (regarding saving Buffy from a curse): Well, the other way is to cut the witch's head off.
Xander: Show of hands!
Buffy: It's not Amy's fault. She only became a witch to survive her mother.
Xander: Look, I don't care why, I just care that you go on breathing. (The Witch)

Xander (grabbing Amy tightly): I got her! I got her! Cut her head off!
Buffy: Xander, what are you doing?
Xander: Saving you?
Buffy: Get your hands off of her.
Xander: But she's evil. (The Witch)

Xander: Hey! Nobody messes with my Willow. (The Pack)
 

The Paranormal…
Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good. (The Harvest)

Xander: So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la.  He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd? (The Puppet Show)
 

Danger…
Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. (The Witch)

Xander: We're right behind you, only... further back. (The Witch)

Xander: I'm sorry! I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face... (Nightmares)
 

Himself…
Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me. (The Witch)

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to. (Teacher’s Pet)

Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism. (Teacher’s Pet)

Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't *laugh* at those who... can do. (Teacher’s Pet)

Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life. (Teacher’s Pet)

Xander (to Willow): But you're gonna be missin' out. I'm plannin' to be witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me. (I Robot, You Jane)

Xander (re talent show): I, I can't! I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this! (The Puppet Show)
 

Cordelia…
Xander: Cordelia, you haven't been mean to me all day. Is it something I've done? (to Willow) Okay, see how she has no clue that I'm even a mammal, much less a human being? (The Witch)

Xander: Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor. (The Puppet Show)
 

The Dating Game…
Xander (re Buffy): I gotta be a man and ask her out. Y'know, I gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, uh, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside of her bedroom window late at night, that last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes. (The Witch)

Xander (to Buffy): She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway? (Teacher’s Pet)

Xander: You're acting a little overly, aren't you? I mean, you could have any guy in school.
Buffy: He's not any guy. He's more... Oweny.
Xander: Sure, he's got a certain Owenosity, but that's not hard to find. I mean, a lotta guys read. I can read. (Never Kill a Boy on the First Date)

Hyena!Xander (to Buffy): We both know what you really want. You want danger, don't cha? You like your men dangerous. Dangerous and mean, right? Like Angel. Your Mystery Guy. Well, guess who just got mean. (The Pack)

Xander: I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the 'Net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax murder. (I Robot, You Jane)

Xander: See, what I should do is I should just start with talking about the dance. (clears his throat) Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can... observe their... mating rituals and tag them before they migrate. Just kill me! (Prophecy Girl)

Buffy: Xander, I'm sorry. I just don't think of you that way.
Xander: Well, try. I'll wait. (Prophecy Girl)

Xander (re the dance): That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain. (Prophecy Girl)
 

Angel…
Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow: You think he's buff?
Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come *that* never came up? (Teacher’s Pet)

Xander: I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right. (Prophecy Girl)
 

Giles…
Xander: He's like super librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon. (Never Kill a Boy on the First Date)
 

On Sunnydale High and Education…
Xander (re fieldtrips to the zoo): Buffy, this isn't just about looking at a bunch of animals.  This is about not being in class! (The Pack)

Xander: Every school has 'em. You start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids. (The Pack)

Xander: To read makes our speaking English good. (I Robot, You Jane)

Xander (re being forced to do the talent show): Can I just mention, that detention is a time-honored form of punishment? (The Puppet Show)

Xander: Did I mention that I *hate* this school? (The Puppet Show)

Xander: Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it! (The Puppet Show)

Xander (re Biology class): I don't feel that boring covers it. (Prophecy Girl)
 

The Bronze…
Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre- fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.
 

Slaying Duties…
Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen? (Out of Mind, Out of Sight)

Xander: Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods. (gets looks from everyone) Research Boy comes through with the knowledge! (Out of Mind, Out of Sight)
 

Superpowers…
Xander: I would give anything to be able to turn invisible. Well, I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but I'd use my powers to protect the girls' locker room. (Out of Mind, Out of Sight)
 

Life at Home…
Xander (to Willow): Oh, hey, do you wanna come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place. (Out of Mind, Out of Sight)