Xander's Thoughts On….

Giles…
Giles: Yes, I must consult my books.
Xander: Oh, eight minutes and thirty-three seconds, pay up. (Willow hands him a dollar) I called ten minutes before you'd consult your books about something. (When She Was Bad)

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades. (The Dark Age)

Xander: I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores? (The Dark Age)

Willow: I don't know about Giles, but ancient sects used to induce possession for bacchanals and, and orgies.  Xander: Okay! Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I coulda lived without that one. (The Dark Age)

Xander: Looks like Mr. Caution Man, but the sound he makes is funny. (Surprise)

Xander: He's usually Investigate-Things-From-Every-Boring-Angle Guy. Now he's I-Cling-Onto-My-One-Lame-Idea Guy. (I Only Have Eyes for You)
 
 

Life on a Hellmouth…
Giles: Well, it's closed, but not gone. The mystical energy that emanates from it is still concentrated in this area.
Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town. (When She Was Bad)

Xander: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night? (School Hard)

Buffy: So, what's on tap tonight that's so important? Uprising, prophesied ritual, preordained deathfest?
Xander: Ah, the old standards! (The Dark Age)

Xander: Buffy, you can't blame yourself for every death that happens in Sunnydale. If it weren't for you people'd be lined up five deep waitin' to get themselves buried. Willow would be Robbie the Robot's love slave, I wouldn't even have a head… (Phases)

Xander: Flu doesn't exactly sound monsterrific. (Killed by Death)

Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there. (Nightmares)
 
 

Friends and Friendships…
Xander: Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom! (When She was Bad)

Giles: Find Angel. He knows about Spike. We need him.
Xander: No, I’m not going anywhere until I know that Buffy and Willow are alright. (School Hard)
 
 

Things to Do for Fun in Sunnydale…
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night. (When She was Bad)

Xander: Hey, I got a plan—how about miniature golf?
Willow: There’s no course here.
Xander: Okay, miniature tennis! A very tiny form of tennis that we could invent…(When She was Bad)

Xander (re grave-digging): So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel? (Some AssemblyRequired)

Willow: I know! We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water.
Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail. (Reptile Boy)

Xander: Aw, you just need cheering up. And I know just the thing! Crazed dance party at the Bronze!… Very calm dance party at the Bronze?… Moping at the Bronze? (Lie to Me)
 
 

Cordelia…
Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander (coughs): Karma! (Some Assembly Required)

Xander: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just going with a halter top tonight? (Reptile Boy)

Xander: That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on! (The Dark Age)

Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty. (What’s My Line, Part 1)

Xander (re Cordy): Is murder always a crime? (What’s My Line, Part 1)

Cordelia: You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi *and* your punching bag.
Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way. (Innocence)

Cordelia: You were too busy rushing off to die for your beloved Buffy. You’d never die for me.
Xander: No, I might die *from* you. Does that get me any points? (Innocence)

Cordelia: Figures you three would all be hanging in the dungeon while something major's going on at Sunnydale High.
Xander: And what would that be, Cordelia? Barrette Appreciation Day? (Bad Eggs)

Xander: Cordelia! I don't wanna hurt ya. Some of the time. (Bad Eggs)

Giles: The more I study the Judge, the less I like him. His touch can literally burn the humanity out of you. A true creature of evil can survive the process. No human ever has.
Xander: What’s the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy, and we go for pizza. (Surprise)
 
 

The Paranormal…
Willow: The Lonely Ones?
Angel: Vampires.
Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones. (Lie to Me)

Buffy: And you're sure it was a werewolf?
Xander: Well, let's see, um, six feet tall, claws, a big old snout in the middle of his face like a wolf. Um, yeah, I'm sticking with my first guess. Oh, and then there was that little thing where it tried to bite us. (Phases)

Xander: But is steroid abuse usually linked with, 'hey, I'm a fish'? (Go Fish)
 

The Non-Paranormal…
Xander (to Buffy re Joyce’s new beau): So he's a little uptight. Last I heard that's not a slaying offense. Don't gimme the look, I'm on your side. I'm just saying there are some things in life you have to accept. (Ted)

Xander: He killed a person and killed himself. Those are pretty much two of the dumbest things you could do. (I Only Have Eyes for You)
 
 

Himself…
Xander (re Buffy’s exchange student): So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him?  'Cause I don't know anything much besides Doritos and Chihuahua. (Inca Mummy Girl)

Xander (re frat boys): One day I'll have money. Prestige. Power. And on that day they'll still have more. (Reptile Boy)

Xander: A black eye heals, Buffy, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life. (Halloween)

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? (The Dark Age)

Giles: I suppose there is a sort of... Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you. (Bad Eggs)

Xander: You know what? 'Nuff said. Forget it. It must've been my multiple-personality guy talking. I call him Idiot Jed, glutton for punishment. (Surprise)

Xander: Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan. (Innocence)

Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex. (Innocence)

Xander: I do not babble. I occasionally run-on, every now and then I yammer... (Phases)

Xander: What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want, for *once*, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me. (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered)

Xander: Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow. (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered)

Xander: That's it! This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like a man. And hide. (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered)

Xander: My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life! (Killed By Death)

Xander: Well, turning into a creepy-crawly wasn't on my top ten list of things to do before I turn twenty. (Go Fish)

Xander: Your dreams are getting wicked accurate, Buff. You wouldn't happen to see me coming across some big cash? Or possibly knowing the love of a woman? In a full body sense? (I Only Have Eyes for You)

Xander: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here. (Becoming, Part 2)
 
 

Buffy…
Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is *you* believe that. (Inca Mummy Girl)

Xander (re his relationship with Buffy): I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss. (Halloween)

Xander: Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. (Ted)

Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. (Bad Eggs)

Xander: You're not boned, you're Buffy. Eradicator of evil. Defender of, um... things that need defending. (Phases)

Xander: Watcher's pet. (Passion)
 
 

The Dating Game…
Xander: I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive. (SomeAssembly Required)

Xander (to Willow): Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair? (Some Assembly Required)

Ampata: You are strange.
Xander: Girls always tell me that. Right before they run away. (Inca Mummy Girl)

Xander (to Buffy): I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever. (Inca Mummy Girl)

Xander (re Willow and Cordy): Wow, those two gals are hanging out a lot together. This would be a good time to panic. (Phases)

Xander (re Willow and Oz): What relationship? I mean, what life could they possibly have together? We're talking obedience school, paper training, Oz is always in back burying their things, and that kind of breed can turn on its owner. (Phases)

Xander: Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just sat together, not even speakin'. You know, just enjoying comfortable silence. Man, that was dull. (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered)

Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders. (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered)

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying: you know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss. (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered)

Xander (to Cordy): Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony? (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered)
 
 

Angel…
Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy. (School Hard)

Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? (Reptile Boy)

Xander: Hey, it's me. If Angel's doing somethin' wrong, I wanna know. 'Cause it gives me a happy! (Lie to Me)

Xander: Man, that guy got major neck in his day! (What’s My Line, Part 2)

Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him. (What’s My Line, Part 2)

Xander: How *is* Angel? Pretend I care. (Ted)

Xander: Hmm, it's sad, granted. But let's look at the upside for a moment. I mean, what kind of a future would she've really had with him? She's got 2 jobs -- Denny's waitress by day, Slayer by night -- and Angel's always in front of the TV with a big blood belly, and he's dreamin' of the glory days when Buffy still thought this whole creature of the night routine was a big turnon. (Surprise)

Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once.
Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas. (Passion)

Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!' (Passion)

Xander: Hi! For those of you who have just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person. So this spell might restore Angel's humanity? Well, here's an interesting angle. Who cares? (Becoming, Part 2)

Xander: I'm Perspective Guy. Angel's a killer. (Becoming, Part 2)
 

 
Willow…
Xander: Buffy, I love Willow. And she's my best friend. Which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much. She's the kind of girl that... I'm best friends with. (Inca Mummy Girl)

Willow: Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!'
Xander: You have too many thoughts. (Lie to Me)

Willow: Goody! Research party!
Xander: Will, you need a life in the worst way. (What’s My Line, Part 1)

Xander: Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know? And who am I gonna call every night...and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always... I love you. (Becoming, Part 2)
 

 
On Sunnydale High and Education…
Xander: That's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts he makes up in lack of smarts. (Inca Mummy Girl)

Xander: Boy, what a long day.
Willow: And you skipped three classes.
Xander: Yeah, and, of course, *they* flew by. (Reptile Boy)

Xander: Ooh, gang, did ya hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever! (The Dark Age)

Xander: When are we gonna need computers for real life anyway? Y'know, computers are on the way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback.
Willow: And the abacus.
Xander: Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci. (The Dark Age)

Buffy (re career test question): Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That’s between you and your god. (What’s My Line, Part 1)

Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process! (What’s My Line, Part 1)

Xander: Well, you know, it's the whole 'sex leads to responsibility' thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values. (Bad Eggs)

Xander (re his paper): This time I'm ready for you. No 'F' for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus. (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered)

Xander (to two students entering the library): Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?
Giles: This is a school library, Xander.
Xander: Since when? (Passion)

Xander: Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto? (I Only Have Eyes forYou)

Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning. (I Only Have Eyes for You)

Willow: Remember the plan to contact the spirit and talk to it? Scrap that plan. I've done some homework and found the only solution is the final solution.
Xander: Nuke the school? I like that. (I Only Have Eyes for You)

Cordelia: School can open again tomorrow.
Xander: Explain to me again how that's a good thing. (I Only Have Eyes for You)

Xander: Team? Swim team. Hardly what I'd call a team. The Yankees. Abbott and Costello.  The 'A'. Now, those were teams. (Go Fish)

Xander (re free D’s for the swim team): That is wrong, a big, fat, spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to *earn* our D's. (Go Fish)

Buffy: I haven't even started studying for finals yet.
Xander: Oh, yeah, finals! Why didn't you let me die? (Becoming, Part 1)
 
 

The Sunnydale Bus Depot…
Xander: The Sunnydale bus depot. Classy! What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine. (Inca Mummy Girl)

Xander: Well, the bus depot was a total washout. And may I say what a lovely place to spend the night. What a vibrant cross-section of Americana. (Innocence)
 
 

Slaying Duties…
Xander: Yeah, I'll whittle stakes. And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune. (School Hard)

Xander: Yeah. The more people who know the secret, the more it cheapens it for the rest of us. (Passion)

Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing.
Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
Xander: Solid call. (Killed By Death)
 

 
The Joys of Halloween…
Xander: Oh, a bunch of little kids need people to take them trick-or- treating. Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-hyped little runts for the night. (Halloween)

Xander (to the kids): Okay, on sleazing extra candy: tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old 'you missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood? (Halloween)
 

 
Life at Home…
Buffy: Have you ever done an exchange program?
Xander: My dad tried to send me to some Armenians once. Does that count? (Inca MummyGirl)