Chapter 23
The next day, Lucy went to the lighthouse to see him. Victor led her into the kitchen, where he poured her a cup of coffee. "It was a really bad night, Lucy.

He didn’t get home until after 11. The session with Gail ran several hours. He was exhausted when he came home. But I don’t think he slept three hours total. The..." Victor shook his head.

"Nightmares?" Lucy knew.

Victor nodded.

"He had them before, too. I know they’re terrible. Screaming, crying, he’d jump up in a panic."

Victor pointed at her. "That’s it. He’s having them again. I don’t know what to do about them."

Shaking her head, Lucy stood to refill the coffee cup. "There’s nothing you can do. Just be there when he wakes up."

"It’s so hard to watch."

"I know. But having you here helps. I know it does. Before, he didn’t know much about you. He felt like.." Lucy didn’t want to say it.

"He felt like I’d been part of it. I know. I still feel that way, Lucy.

I should have-"

"Don’t. Kevin loves you. He understands what you did. He’s told me that."

Taking her hand, Victor pulled her closer to him. "He loves you, too, Lucy. Please don’t give up on him. I know he’s scary right now, but-"

"I couldn’t give up on him if I wanted to. I’m not going anywhere."

As if he knew they were talking about him, Kevin screamed. Jumping up, Lucy went up the stairs. Still in a sound sleep, he was yelling at someone that was only in his mind. His body was soaked in sweat and he pounded his fists against the bed.

Approaching the bed carefully, she sat next to him. Watching his arms warily as he swung them, she reached out and stroked his forehead. "Ssshhh. It’s okay. You’re safe."

Softly, she repeated this several times, until he seemed to relax. He yelled one more time and swung his arm towards her. This time, she was ready. Grabbing his arm gently, but not letting go, she moved to sit against the headboard, where it would be awkward for him to reach her.

His eyes opened. "Lucy?"

"I’m here."

He realized she’d been holding his arm. "What did I do?"

"Having a nightmare. It’s over." She pushed the hair off his forehead and smiled at him.

His expression told her that he wasn’t sure this was a good idea, but he was too exhausted to argue. And her touch felt so good. Closing his eyes, he drifted off into the first peaceful sleep he’d had in days.

Just wanting to be near him, Lucy continued to stroke his hair. He frowned and began to mumble, but she spoke to him softly again, just as she had before.

Rolling over, he put his head on her lap and wrapped his arm around her legs. That was how they stayed for the next three hours. Every time he seemed to be restless, she would talk to him and he would relax.

She’d left the door open, and Victor checked on them from time to time.

Finally, he wasn’t surprised to see Lucy’s head back on the headboard and her eyes closed. The peaceful look on their faces made Victor smile. If he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes, he wouldn’t have believed the last few days had happened. Actually, the way they were holding on to each other, he could easily forget the last 8 months.

Kevin opened his eyes, and had to think a moment before he realized his head was on Lucy. He could feel her slow, steady breathing, and decided to let her sleep. By the time she finally opened her eyes, it was almost 4PM.

"Hi." Kevin’s voice was low.

"Hi yourself. What time is it?"

"Knowing you, time to eat." He smiled at her.

"As a matter of fact, I’m famished. Food would be great." Standing, she stretched.

Kevin found himself watching her. She reminded him of a cat the way she arched her back and leaned over. "I don’t know what I have to offer in the way of food. I haven’t been eating a lot myself lately."

"It sounds like we could both use a good meal. So, let’s go somewhere we can get good food."

"You mean go out?" He started to shake his head.

"Why not? We need to eat. I’d say we also need a change of scenery.

You’ve been locked up in here since we got back, right?"

He stared at her, and she saw the opening.

"Come on. Please? Dinner?" She stared in his eyes. "Unless you don’t want to be seen with me." The thought crossed her mind. "After everything that has happened between us in the last 8 months, are you not be ready to let the world know we’re civil to each other again? I mean, I’m as surprised as anyone else, but I can understand you not wanting to admit it yet. I mean, everyone does know what I did. And no one ever thought we’d ever even speak again, let alone…." Her mind searched for the right word, but she couldn’t find one. "Whatever it is we’re doing now."

"And just what is it you think we’re doing?"

"I don’t know. But if it includes me standing here with you, I don’t care what it is. I’m happy. But, at this moment, I’m working on food for both of us. We can order delivery. I don’t mind. Unless you just don’t want to have dinner with me."

He sensed her question had more to do with how he felt about her than if he just wanted to eat with her. "Okay. We’ll go get dinner. Nothing fancy. I don’t feel like being on public display." A brief look of hurt crossed her face. "I don’t mean because of you, I mean I just don’t feel like being in a crowd."

She thought for a moment. "How about Luke’s? The lunch crowd is gone, and the dinner crowd won’t show up for another 2 hours. We should just about have the place to ourselves."

"Luke’s. Great." His tone told her that was the last place he really wanted to go.

"Well, if we go to Kelly’s, we’ll run into lots of people. The Outback, do you want to deal with Mac and Felicia?"

Kevin contemplated the options. "Luke’s sounds great all of a sudden."

Thirty minutes later, they walked into Luke’s and Lucy waved to Luke.

Smiling, Luke wandered over to them and hugged Lucy. "Hey, Luce. Long time, no see."

He leaned over to kiss her cheek, but she pulled away. When she did, he saw the bruise on her face. "Ouch, what did you say and who did you say it to?"

"I wrecked my car. Drove it right off a bridge." She swung her arm in an arc to prove her point.

"Don’t ever ask for the keys to my Caddy again." Luke was laughing.

"They teach a course in driver’s ed down at the high school. I’ll sign you up."

Smacking him, she laughed. "Do they give group discounts? I’ve ridden with you. You could use a refresher course."

"What can I say? I learned to drive from the back seat, baby." He led them to a table, glancing approvingly up and down her body. "You look like the rest of you survived."

"Yes. I’m fine. A bruise, and a totaled car. That’s it." The look on Kevin’s face was confusing her, and she knew whatever he was thinking, it had something to do with the bruise and the conversation. "I’m here because I’m hungry, and you know what that means."

"It means I better get you some food, quick. God, you are the nastiest woman when you’re underfed." He disappeared into the kitchen.

"What’s wrong?"

Kevin contemplated her for a moment. "You lie so well."

"What did you want me to tell him? The truth? What would that accomplish?"

He didn’t want her to tell Luke, of all people, the truth, but he didn’t like her lying, either. "I don’t know. I just can’t get past the lies."

Her eyes filled with tears and she stared at him. Finally she threw her napkin on the table.

"Fine. I’ll go tell him. Right now." Standing up, she walked past him.

Reaching out, he grabbed her waist. "No. Stay here. I’ll get over it this time."

Sitting in his lap, she looked at him. "Oh, this time. Thank you so much." The sarcasm dripped off every word she said. "I didn’t realize truth was a time and place matter. Right time, wrong place? Or right place, wrong time? Make up your mind, do you want me to tell the truth about this or not?"

His grip on her tightened until he was almost hurting her, but she didn’t move. "What do you want me to say? You know the position we’re in, here. I can’t shake the feeling part of you enjoys this." His tone told her he was getting angry again.

"No. I’m not enjoying this. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business but ours what really happened. And I don’t feel the need to tell anyone." She was careful to keep her voice even.

"So you lie. We’re right back to that, aren’t we."

"Kevin, I don’t know what you want from me."

"Maybe nothing. Maybe I don’t want anything from you. Maybe the only thing I want is to be left alone." His face took on a cold, cruel look. "Maybe I already got what I want from you and I don’t want anything else."

Grabbing his shirt, she looked into his eyes. "It’s not going to work. I know better than that from you."

"I haven’t seen you in a while. Maybe I just wanted something for old time’s sake."

Taking a deep breath, she fought the tears which threatened to surface.

"Fine. If that’s how you’re going to be, let go of me."

He did. Slightly surprised, definitely hurt, she started to stand. His next move not only took her by surprise, it completely shocked her. Before she could completely get to her feet, he grabbed her arm and her head to pull her to him, kissing her hungrily. It didn’t take a full second for her to recover from the shock and return his kiss.

They were still kissing when Luke returned from the kitchen, with a veggie appetizer for Lucy. "Hey, hey, we’re not zoned for that kind of entertainment."

Pulling away from him reluctantly, Lucy stood and actually stumbled toward her chair.

Luke took her arm and looked at Kevin. "I guess you’ve still got it, doctor." He realized Kevin had the same stunned expression on his face that Lucy did.

Laughing, he sat the dish down and handed them menus. "Ahh, love. Ain’t it grand?"

At the mention of the word ‘love’, they stared at him, then deliberately away from each other. Luke realized he’d said something wrong, and left the table. A very uncomfortable silence followed his departure.

Lucy began to eat the veggies Luke had placed in front of her, pretending intense interest in them. When she finally looked up, Kevin was staring at her.

"What?"

"I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing here."

She shrugged. "Placating me." His stare was so intense, it began to make her uncomfortable. Standing, she took her glass to the bar. "I need a refill."

Luke took her glass and looked at her. "Congrats in order?"

"What?"

"You and the good doctor. You know, the one you’ve been whining about, staring at, crying over, pining away for, and all around being a pain in the ass about. Never thought I’d see you two like that again. I take it you’re making progress."

She tried staring at him blankly. That lasted about 2 seconds. Then she grinned. "The jury’s still out, but I’m trying really hard."

"You always did with him. I wish you luck, babe." Handing her the glass, he walked away.

Hannah appeared at the table and took their orders. Lucy had seen her around with Sonny. "How’s Sonny?"

Hannah was startled by the question. "Who’s asking?"

"I’m Lucy. I go way back with Sonny. I just asked because I saw you with him the other day, and I haven’t talked to him in a while."

Kevin was amused by the fact that Hannah actually gave Lucy the once-over before answering. "He’s fine."

"Tell him I said hi. You know, I-"

"Lucy, if you don’t let her go, we’ll never eat." Kevin realized Lucy was keeping Hannah there to avoid the awkward moment they’d had a few minutes ago.

After Hannah left, it was Lucy’s turn to stare at Kevin.

"What are you thinking?"

She stared at her drink. "I guess I’m trying to figure out what the rules are this time."

"Lucy, the rules haven’t changed. All I ever asked of you was honesty."

"No, Doc, you asked a lot more than that. And I tried to give it to you.

It wasn’t good enough before, why would I hope it would be now?" Her eyes met his briefly before she looked down.

"What do you mean this time?" He thought about what she’d said.

Finally she faced him. "I mean this. I mean us. We’ve gone way too far to go back to being casual acquaintances. And I’m starting to wonder if I really want to be here."

He started to speak, but she shook her head. "Don’t get me wrong. I love you, Doc. I always have. But that’s just it. I never stopped loving you. I watched you move up and on with Eve. It tore my heart out. I don’t know if I can survive that again."

"I told you where I stood."

"Like that would make a difference? You made me promises before.

Something about loving me no matter what. All of me. Well, we all know how that turned out. I know I hurt you, but you wouldn’t even talk to me." She struggled not to cry.

"I didn’t agree to have dinner with you so we could fight, Lucy. If that’s all you want, I can-"

"No." Not wanting him to leave, Lucy backed down from his challenging tone. "I don’t want to fight with you. But I do want to be with you. I need you to tell me how."

Sighing, Kevin stared at his drink. "I don’t know if you can. I need to be-"

Hannah arrived with their dinner. He waited for her to finish serving them and walk away before continuing. "Right now, I don’t want to be with anyone. It’s not you. I like being with you. I’ve always enjoyed your company. Can we just be here, and have a pleasant dinner without fighting?"

Still fighting tears, she nodded and took a bite of her dinner.

They ate in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. The ride to the lighthouse was no better. They didn’t exchange ten more words until Kevin walked her to her car. She stood next to him in the dark for a moment. Then, still not speaking, Lucy took his face in her hands and kissed him.

The intensity of her kiss actually made him forget where he was for a moment. Pressing his body against hers, he held her against the side of the car.

Lucy held him to her, wishing this could solve all their problems. His mouth pressed to hers, his hands exploring her body, the heat of him against her, she felt herself getting lost in the feelings. Until he started pushing on her so hard, her back was bending over the top of the car. Trying to push back, she realized she was pinned against the car, and he wasn’t letting her move.

The car in her back was beginning to be painful. Pushing on his shoulders, she tried to make him back away from her. His hands pushed her dress up and she realized he wanted her right there, standing up against the car. Turning her head, she spoke in his ear. "Hey, Doc, wait a minute, okay? Back up a little, you hurting me."

He backed away for a moment, but when she started to lead him to the house, he pulled her back to him. It took him a few seconds to remove the clothing that was preventing him from having her. She was enjoying his insistence until he pinned her between him and the car again. He was gentle this time, but she couldn’t move. Panic seized her, and she began to struggle against him.

Stepping away from her, he looked at her. "What’s wrong?"

She hadn’t realized he’d spoken. Her mind was racing. Why had she panicked? This was Kevin, the man she did want to make love to. The man she wanted to marry, and spend the rest of her life with. Why had him holding her terrified her? She stared at him for a long moment, not knowing what to say.

In the dark, he couldn’t see her face, but he could tell something was wrong.

"Lucy?" His voice was quiet. "What’s wrong?"

"Nothing." Moving towards him, she reached for his hand.

"You want me to trust you?"

Sighing, she almost whispered. "The truth. Even-"

"Even if it hurts." He said it with her.

"I don’t know. It’s like all of a sudden, I’m… I mean, it’s stupid, I.."

She couldn’t find the words to explain to him without hurting him.

"Lucy, just say it."

"I panicked. I don’t know why. When you pushed me against the car, I don’t know, I was.. I didn’t… I mean, I want you, but.."

"You’re afraid of me." The pain was evident in his voice, but he put his finger to her lips to stop her from interrupting him. "After what I did to you, you have every right to be."

"No, I don’t know what it-"

Roughly, he grabbed her arms, and jerked her body towards his. Once again pinning her against the car, he kissed her. Her entire body tensed, and she tried to pull away, fear taking over. To prove his point, he held her until she was actually struggling against his grip on her. Finally he let go of her and she stepped a few feet away from him.

"Stop it, Kevin. What are you trying to prove?" She didn’t know if she was crying because she was afraid or angry.

"That you shouldn’t be here. I’m not good for you."

"I think I should be able to decide that for myself."

"Actually, Lucy, you don’t decide for yourself very well. Some things never change." He couldn’t let her see how much her fear had hurt him. She wouldn’t leave if she knew.

Slowly, she stepped closer to him, as if to test herself. Her voice was soft. "Kevin, I don’t understand what’s wrong with me."

"The only thing wrong with you is you can’t see me for who I really am.

The man that hurt you. A man capable of hurting you again."

Shaking her head, she reached for his face. "No, I see you for who you really are. That’s where you’re wrong. You can’t see it."

"Don’t argue with me, Lucy. Why do you think you panic when I put my hands on you?"

Once again, he grabbed her, holding her by the arm. "Because it reminded you of something terrible, or are you going to deny that? Something that hurt you, something that changed you, who you were, how you felt about yourself? Because you can’t admit I reminded you of possibly the worst thing that ever happened to you?"

"You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. No matter what. I can remember that, even if you can’t." Forcing herself to stand still, when all she wanted to do was pull away from him, was taking it’s toll on her voice. It took on a shrill, shaky quality.

"If I’m the best, you’ve had a pretty lousy life." Releasing her, he walked towards the house. "I don’t know whether to be mad at you for not staying away, or pity you for wanting to be here."

She had no idea what that comment meant. But now wasn’t the time to pursue it. Getting in her car, she left. By the time she reached the main road, she had to pull over. Her entire body was trembling, and she couldn’t stop crying. The comment about reminding her of that night hit much closer to home that she’d ever let on to him.

The feeling of being completely powerless over what was happening to her. Someone else being able to do anything they wanted to her, and she couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t Kevin, specifically, it was just the feelings. She couldn’t let him see it, because she couldn’t really explain it to herself. He’d never understand.

Chapter 24
She’d been sitting there for almost half an hour when her cell phone rang. Thinking it might be Kevin, she grabbed it. Scott’s voice actually confused her for a moment.

"Hi."

"Hi Scott." She tried to sound as if she were okay.

"You, um.. busy?"

The question made her laugh. Looking around at exactly what she was doing, sitting on the side of the road by herself, crying hysterically, she realized that she couldn’t even begin to explain it to him. So she laughed. Then she couldn’t stop. She thought how ridiculous she must look to anyone passing, and it made her laugh harder.

Scott’s voice sounded worried. "Lucy? You all right?"

"Yeah, you had to be here." She shook her head. Good thing he wasn’t.

Hysterical crying to hysterical laughing in ten seconds. Good thing Gail wasn’t there, either. She could picture the look on their faces as they decided how much Prozac to give her.

"You don’t sound all right."

She took a deep breath. "I’m fine, Scott. What’s up?"

"I was just wondering how you were."

That did it. She started to laugh again. Actually, this time, it was a combination of laughing and crying. She definitely was not all right.

Scott listened to her for a moment. "Lucy, where are you? What happened? Lucy, stop.

C’mon, you’re scaring me."

Tears were running down her face, and it hurt to breathe, but she finally managed to answer him. "Believe me, Scott. I’m scaring myself right now."

"Where are you? I’ll come get you."

"No!" She snapped. Him coming to get her a mile from the lighthouse was not a good idea. Then she remembered he had no idea what was going on. "No. I mean, I’ll be okay in a minute."

"You don’t sound like it. Where are you?"

"Scott, please. I’m okay."

He could tell from her voice she was still crying. "How far are you from the Hotel?"

"I don’t know." She couldn’t think. "Maybe 20 minutes."

"I’ll meet you there." He really didn’t like the way she sounded, and he knew it had something to do with Kevin. It always did when she was hysterical.

"You don’t have to. I’ll be okay."

"Lucy, if you’re not at the hotel in 25 minutes, I’m going to go looking for you. And the first place I look will be the lighthouse. Are you going to-"

"Fine. 25 minutes! I’ll be there. Don’t come-" She stopped herself, but it was too late.

"I’ll be there." Hanging up, she pulled out onto the road.

Scott put his phone down. He knew she hadn’t meant to say not to come to the lighthouse. If Kevin had hurt her again, the lighthouse was going to be his next stop.

Chapter 24

When Lucy pulled into the parking lot to the hotel, she wiped her eyes.

Scott would be waiting for her at her door, she knew that. Taking her time getting to her room, she tried to get herself under control.

Scott saw her exit the elevator and went to her. She walked past him and went inside.

"You going to tell me what happened?"

"I really don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just had a bad night."

Getting herself a drink, she sat on the sofa and stared at the window.

"What did he do?"

Lucy sighed. "Nothing. Really. He didn’t do anything. I’m just... I don’t know what I am right now."

Sitting next to her, Scott took her hand. "We’re still friends, Lucy. I care about you. You really scared me on the phone. What happened?"

"I can’t explain. I wish I knew. So many things were running through my mind, I couldn’t stop it."

"You sounded hysterical."

"Well, I was. I’m sorry I scared you. I was scaring myself." Standing, she walked to the window. "I’m better now. Really. See? This is me, calm. Well, as calm as I get. I’ll be okay. You need to get home to Serena."

Knowing she was trying to convince him, he went to her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Serena’s with Lee and Gail. What’s going on?"

"I don’t know. That’s what’s wrong. I don’t know what’s going on with him, I don’t know what’s going on with me. I can’t... I..." She began to cry again.

Scott put his arms around her and hugged her.

For a few minutes, she stood there, glad he was there. Then, walking away from him, she began to pace. "This isn’t me, you know? I’ve got all this stuff running through my head.

I don’t know what it all means."

Sitting back down, Scott reached for her. "Come here." When she sat next to him, he put his arms around her. "Take a deep breath, and tell me what’s going through your mind. I think it’s safe to assume it has something to do with Kevin."

"Some of it. I’ve been with him most of the day. It went pretty good. I mean, all the signs were there. I thought we were making real progress, you know? I still think we are, but he’s just not ready to trust me. And it hurts." She knew she couldn’t tell Scott what really happened.

It killed Scott that all he could do was sit there and hold her hand while she cried about Kevin. Again. He’d never understand what she saw in him.

After a while, she stopped crying. When he looked down at her, he realized she was asleep. He shifted a bit to get more comfortable, and she snuggled closer.

About an hour later, the phone rang. Scott opened his eyes and reached for the phone.

"Hello?"

There was a long, silent pause on the other end.

Lucy lifted her head from his shoulder, her eyes still half shut. "Was that the phone?"

Handing it to her, Scott shrugged.

"Hello?" Lucy waited until she heard the line go dead. "Whoever it was, they hung up."

Standing, she walked to the bed. Not saying a word, she laid across it and instantly went back to sleep.

Kevin shook his head and walked away from the phone. That had been Scott’s voice. He was sure of it. He’d wanted to talk to Lucy, to tell her how much it meant to him that she was willing to put herself in this position with him again. To see if she was okay.

Apparently she was.
 

Scott watched her sleep for a while. It hurt like hell that she still wanted to be with Kevin after everything he’d done to her. He had to admit he’d done some pretty bad things to her himself, but he didn’t want to think he’d treated her as badly as Kevin had. Yet Kevin was still the one who owned her heart.

She mumbled in her sleep and he turned to look at her. Curling up like a cat, she wrapped her arms around herself. Scott smiled. She did that when she was cold.

Pulling the blanket back, he picked her up and started to move her to where he could put her under it. At first, she didn’t react, but just before he laid her down, she moved in his arms. By the time he put her down, she was struggling against him.

Before he could step back, she opened her eyes and screamed.

All she knew was that she was being held. Again. It was several moments before she realized it was Scott’s voice in her ear. "It’s just me, Lucy. Calm down. I was just trying to put you under the blanket."

The look on her face scared Scott. It was pure panic. Looking at him, she seemed to realize where she was. He kept his voice low. "You awake? It’s me. I’m sorry. You were cold, and I tried to help."

"I’m okay."

He didn’t know if she was talking to him or herself.

"You... Scott, I was asleep."

"Yes. I was going to put you under the blanket. You freaked out on me there."

Tears came to her eyes, and she shrugged. "It’s not you. I’ve been freaking out a lot lately."

"It’s okay. I’m just confused. What did you think was happening?"

That was the last thing she wanted to share with anyone. Even Scott. So she shook her head and laid back down. "I have no idea. I was asleep, remember? I’m exhausted."

Turning away from him, she tried to hide the fact that she was still crying.

Sitting on the bed beside her, Scott stroked her hair. "This is me, remember? Scott? The one who usually has a pretty good idea of what’s going on in there.

Well, some of the time has a clue, okay? What’s going on, and what does Kevin have to do with it?"

"Scott, why do you think Kevin is responsible for every bad moment I have? I am perfectly capable of having a bad moment without him having anything to do with it.

And at the moment, I’m having one. Okay? It has nothing to do with anyone but me. I’m in one of my moods. You hate them, remember? I’m depressed, I want to cry, and I want to sleep." Putting her face in the pillow, she proceeded to do just that. Cry.

Still stroking her hair, he watched her. He still wasn’t convinced Kevin had nothing to do with the hysterical state she’d been in off and on all night.

Feeling Scott’s hand on her head made her feel a little better. The moment she had awoken to realize she was being held had terrified her. That feeling of being powerless again. Not wanting to get into it with Scott, she also didn’t want to be alone. What in the hell had brought all those feelings out in her again? It didn’t make sense. She hadn’t had... panic attacks was the only word she could think of that described what she was feeling.... since after..

She shook her head once. THAT was not somewhere she wanted to go in her mind. Ever again. Kevin was wrong. He didn’t remind her of it. And it wasn’t the absolute worst thing.... well, in the top few, but there were a few things just as bad in her memories. She got over it before. All she needed to do was to put it behind her again.

Her mind was racing, and all she could do about it was cry. So she did.

And Scott sat with her. Until she cried herself to sleep.

Chapter 25
Kevin sat at the table, drinking his cappuccino and thinking about the night before. He knew Lucy had been more afraid of him than she wanted him to know. He also knew, beyond any doubt, that he’d hurt her more than she would admit. But the things he’d said to her last night had been cruel and he shouldn’t have said them.

He still didn’t know why he’d been surprised to hear Scott’s voice when he’d called last night. Lucy was still very close with him. It wasn’t any of his business how close, but it was part of his problems with trusting her. Unable to stop himself, he wondered what had happened between Scott and Lucy last night when he’d answered her phone that late.

Had Lucy told him everything? Had Scott kissed her? Had they made love? The image of them in bed together in Florida came to him again, and he shook his head. If she wanted Scott, she could have him. He had no right to behave as though she was his. But he still felt the familiar jealousy.

Rapid, almost pounding on the door took his attention from what was going on in his head. When he opened the door, he was shocked to see Scott.

Scott pushed Kevin back and stepped inside. "Where the hell do you get off with what you’ve done to her?"

Thinking Scott knew everything, he said nothing. There was nothing he could say. Scott was as angry as Lucy should have been.

"Come on, Kevin. What the next move? Do you sit up at night and plan how you can hurt her next? You think you can use how she feels about you to do anything you want to her?"

Suddenly, Kevin was furious that Lucy had told Scott what happened.

"What happened between Lucy and me is none of your business! I can’t believe she-" He remembered how afraid she’d been last night. The horrible things he’d said to her. The way he’d held her, taunting her, making her admit how afraid she was. She had every right to tell Scott what he’d done to her.

Kevin couldn’t look Scott in the eye. "You’re right, I know how badly I hurt her, Scott. I had no right to."

Agreeing with him was the last thing Scott expected from Kevin, and he stopped mid- rant. "So what are you going to do about it?"

Walking away from Scott, Kevin stood at the door leading to the water.

"What can I do about it? I can’t take back what I did. If I could, I would, believe me."

Scott, only knowing that they had slept together, was furious. "If you’re sorry you slept with her, why does she think she has a chance to go back to you? Why can’t you have the decency to tell HER this? I don’t get it!" Really wanting to hit Kevin, Scott stood in the middle of the living room. "What does she see in you? After everything you’ve done to her, why does she still love you?"

Scott’s words sunk in to Kevin, and he realized Scott didn’t know everything. All Scott knew was that he’d made love to her. "Scott, what happened between us, what’s happening between us. I don’t know where it’s going. But I will tell you one thing:"

Getting close to Scott, he looked into his eyes. "I’m NOT sorry I slept with her, and I’m NOT sorry I told her I still love her. So don’t even think about running back to her and telling her I regret everything that happened between us."

"So what’s the problem? If you love her, why aren’t you with her?"

"There’s a lot more to it than that, Scott." Kevin really didn’t want to go into this with him.

"No, there really isn’t, Kevin. She was good enough to jump into bed with, but not good enough for you-"

"This is NOT somewhere you want to go, Scott." Kevin’s voice was low, and threatening.

"You tell her you love her to get her to bed, then you tell her you don’t trust her, then you tell me what I can or can’t say to you? Why did you do it to her? You knew to her it was a lot more than sex."

Kevin had enough of Scott. "You have no idea what’s going on between us.

Just like I have no idea what went on between the two of you last night." He hadn’t meant to say that, and he was furious at himself. He wanted to know, but Scott was the last person he wanted to share that fact with.

"That was you that called, wasn’t it." Scott’s mind was racing. He should tell Kevin what really happened. It could hurt Lucy in the long run to play this game with Kevin. But he couldn’t stand what Kevin was doing to her. "What, did you remember something else you could’ve done to her? Too bad. I was the one who answered the phone.

I spent the night with her last night. I was trying to help her through the total hysteria you always manage to put her into."

"The same way you ‘helped’ her in Florida?" Kevin lost all control. The thought of Scott’s hands on her sent him into a rage.

Seeing the look in Kevin’s eyes, Scott wondered if this was what he’d been doing to Lucy. His temper was completely out of control.

"At least I never made her any false promises about loving her forever! I don’t tell her how much I love her to get her to bed."

Both men were screaming and neither of them heard Victor come out of his bedroom "No, Scott. You wait until she’s hurt and alone. And then you make sure she thinks it’s her idea." Kevin moved towards Scott, but Victor grabbed him.

"Scott, I really think it’s time for you to leave. Now."

Looking at the two men, Scott realized how close he’d come to getting in a fist fight with Kevin. Lucy would’ve killed him for it. "Make up you mind, Kevin. If you want her back, tell her. If you don’t, for God’s sake let her go. She deserves at least that much from you."

As soon as the door shut behind Scott, Victor let Kevin go.

Picking up a small vase off the table, Kevin threw it against the wall.

"Why can’t I control myself?"

Victor watched him run up the stairs and heard the bedroom door slam.
 

Chapter 26
Later that day, Lucy went to the lighthouse. Not knowing about the confrontation between Scott and Kevin, she knocked on the door. Victor opened it and pulled her inside. Before he could tell Lucy what happened, Kevin came downstairs.

"What are you doing here? After last night, I thought I’d seen the last of you."

"What does that mean?" Lucy approached him slowly.

"Where’d you go last night when you left here?"

"To the hotel." She wasn’t sure what he was getting at.

"Anything else you’d like to share with me?"

Shrugging, she looked at Victor and back at Kevin. "Scott came over to see how I was.

Why?"

The rage Kevin had been unable to contain surfaced. "Because I’m not going to play games with you, Lucy. You want Scott, you can have him." Crossing the room to grab her arms, he got in her face. "Just leave me out of it!"

"Kevin, I’m not playing games." Her eyes met his and she tried to understand what was going on in his mind.

"You tell me you love me, then spend the night with Scott! What would you call it?"

"You hung up on me last night." She remembered the phone call.

"I hung up on you and your latest lover!" His grip tightened on her arms and he actually lifted her up on her toes.

She began to struggle. "What do you mean by that? I haven’t slept with Scott since-"

"Since Florida? I was there, remember? You working on setting me up to walk in on you in bed again? Pay back for not putting up with your lies?"

He was hurting her. Still trying to pull away from him, she began to cry. "I wouldn’t do that to you. I love you. You know that. You’re who I want to be with, why would I sleep with Scott?"

Victor moved toward them. "Monk, you-"

"Because that’s what you do best! You told me that more than once when we met. That’s the one thing you told the truth about, I’ll give you that. And believe me, you haven’t lost it." He dragged her towards the door. "But we can’t get back together because the sex is great, Lucy. And I most certainly won’t share you with Scott Baldwin! No matter how much the idea appeals to you. I can’t believe you slept- no, I can believe you did." He jerked her body closer to him. "I can’t believe I thought you wouldn’t!"
 

Before Victor could stop him, he slammed Lucy into the wall.

Stunned, Lucy stood there while Kevin pulled her back to him. "You don’t get it, do you?! I LOVE YOU! Why did you tell me you loved me? Why, Lucy? Why did you make love to me and tell me how much you loved me when you were going to run to Scott the first chance you got?"

"Kevin!" Victor tried to get Lucy away from him, but by then, Lucy had recovered enough to be angry at Kevin.

"I didn’t run back to Scott, I never planned to run to him! I made love to you because I do love you. Why would I be here, Kevin? Why would I keep coming back here for you to treat me like this if I didn’t love you?"

"Shut up! Just shut up! I don’t want to hear any more of your lies! I can’t take it!" He shoved her into the table, and she fell onto it. Before she could get up on her own, Kevin grabbed her arm. "Get out! Just get the hell out of my life! I’ve had it with you!"

"Kevin! Stop! Let go of her!" Victor was afraid to get too close. Kevin had a grip on her, and Victor didn’t want her hurt.

Lucy struggled against him, but he wouldn’t let go. Pulling her arm, he started to drag her towards the door. As he did, she ran into a chair and fell. When she hit the ground, she pushed the chair between them and, finally tearing her arm free of his hand, crawled away from him.

Victor grabbed Kevin from behind. "Monk! Stop! You’re hurting her!"

"She hurt me!"

"Kevin!" Victor turned him around and looked him in the eyes. "You’re beating her! You’re going to really hurt her."

Looking at her, Kevin realized Victor was right. Against the far wall, she was standing in the corner, crying.

"What have I become?" Kevin’s eyes filled with tears.

As he turned to leave, Lucy ran after him. "This isn’t over, Kevin."

"Stay away from me, Lucy."

"Why? Because you might hurt me? Fine. Walking away from you would hurt more than any bruise you could give me. I want to know why in the hell you think I slept with Scott last night!" She pulled him to face her, knowing he might hit her. At that moment, she didn’t care.

"He was here. And he had a few things to say about you and me. AND I KNOW YOU."

"Apparently, you don’t. If you did, you would think that this conversation is as stupid as I do. I did NOT sleep with Scott last night. I don’t want to sleep with Scott. Can I make it any clearer to you?" The fact that Scott had been there made Lucy furious. What had he said to Kevin? "If I could believe a word you said. But you lie, Lucy. When it’s convenient, when you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, when you need to cover something up. And an overactive sex life would definitely qualify! Can-"

Lucy couldn’t take it anymore. She slapped his face as hard as she could.

Victor couldn’t get to them fast enough. Kevin slapped her back.

Falling, she got right back up, waving Victor away. "Stay out of this, Victor. This is between us."

Getting right back in his face, she began to scream at him. "I lied to you once! One time, Kevin. In how many years? When you met me, I lied to everybody! But not you. I told you the truth about everything. I’ve told you things about myself that no other person, including Scott, for that matter, will ever know about me." Wiping her mouth, she wasn’t surprised to find he’d split her lip when he’d slapped her. "What you didn’t understand was that I didn’t just share my life with you. I shared ME with you.

I’ve never done that before. And I’ll never do that with anyone else, ever again."

During her tirade, she moved closer and closer to him, until she was inches from him. "A long time ago, you told me how glad you were I wasn’t keeping score. I think it’s time we did, Doc." Poking his chest, she left a bloody fingerprint on his shirt. "How many times? How many lies did you tell me? Let’s see, we won’t even go into the black outs you denied you were having. I’ll start simple. Victor. How many times did you tell me he was dead?"

Kevin tried to push her away from him, but she grabbed his shirt. "I’ve never thrown anything you’ve ever done to me in your face. But I’m telling you, Kevin, if you don’t stop throwing the one thing I ever did to you at me, I will be in your face so badly, you won’t know-"

"So we’ve spent our entire relationship hurting each other. What does that tell you about us?" He was so angry at her, he was trembling. "I’m not in control, right now, you know that. Please go."

"Well, guess what? I’m as angry as you are. How do you like that? I’m tired of begging, and pleading, and crying. Now I’m angry. You and I love each other. We both admit it.

But you are very egotistical and very unforgiving. You have all these rules, and God help the person in your life that breaks one. I did. I broke one of your precious rules. Scream at me, throw things, rant, break things," Putting her face inches from his, she continued to scream. "Fight with me, slap me, beat me if that’s what it’s going to take to get you past this. But for God’s sake, Kevin, don’t let your ego destroy something as good as US."

Speechless, Kevin stared at her.

Tears were running down her face as her eyes bored into his. She didn’t know what he was going to do, but at least he had to face her.

What he did caught her by suprise. He kissed her. Crushing her body to his, he opened his mouth over hers, wanting to taste her. What he tasted was her blood.

Pulling away, he touched her face, which was already red, and wiped the blood from her lip with his finger.

He started to say something, but she shook her head. "Don’t. I hit you first."

"You had every reason to. What I said-"

"I said don’t. Scott has an ego as big as yours. Let me guess, He didn’t tell you we did or didn’t sleep together, did he. He said just enough to- "

"To let me make an ass out of myself. And take it out on you."

For the first time since she’d arrived, she smiled. "I thought I was the only extremely insecure, insanely jealous one around here."

It took a moment for him to answer her. "Guess not."

She knew what that admission meant to him. "I’ll deal with Scott later.

He started this."

"No." Taking her hands, Kevin shook his head. "He wanted to know if I was going to be with you or if I was leading you on. He was worried about you. Some of the things he said, about me taking advantage of how you feel, were right. Just not the way he thought.

He was so angry when he got here, I was sure you’d told him everything."
 

"I wouldn’t do that. It’s really none of his business. I told you, this is between you and me."

Sitting on the stairs, he pulled her to sit with him. Victor was still standing nearby, not sure it was entirely safe to leave the two of them alone.

Wanting to be alone with Kevin, Lucy smiled at Victor. "I would love to have a cup of tea. Do you mind?"

"I’m not going far." Victor looked at Kevin. "You’re my son, Monk, but I’m not going to let you hurt her."

"Good. I don’t want to. Ever again." He still didn’t trust himself, and he was glad Victor wasn’t sure of him, either.

Taking her hands, as soon as Victor left the room, he stared at her.

"Scott said you were hysterical last night."

"Scott has a big mouth." She shrugged. "I had a lot going on in my head."

"And now?"

Staring at his hands as they held hers, she sighed. "I’m not confused about what I want.

That’s the easy part. I just don’t know if I have enough fight left to get it."

"I’m talking about what happened last night."

"I’m not. And I don’t want to right now. Right now, I want to talk about us." Standing, she paced across the bottom of the staircase. "What do you want?"

"I want to be with you." There. He’d admitted it. "But I-"

"That’s just it, Doc. There is no BUT. If you want to be with me, be with me. The rest we can figure out later." Facing him, she sat on his legs with her own on either side. "You and me. That’s all that matters. You’ll never learn to trust me again if you don’t let yourself try. And I’m not spending the rest of my life convincing you that I’m not having an affair with Scott. Besides," She flashed him a positively evil grin..

"I’ve already done that."

Kevin looked away from her, but she turned his face back to her.

"I would still be there if it made me happy. It doesn’t."

"It did once."

She could tell from his tone that he was hurt by that fact.

"I can’t believe you still don’t understand. Scott and I were over years ago. I don’t think we really ever were. I think we both thought it was real at the time.

Then he met Dom."

She put her hands on either side of his face. "And I met you. THAT was real. He and I are friends. That’s it. End of discussion. Or is that lesson?"

His eyes stared into hers. "Yes, ma’am."

Once again, he looked at her lip. Gently, he touched it. "I-"

"I’m fine. I hit you first, remember? You just slapped me back." She looked at his face. It was red, but she hadn’t done any damage.

He thought about her words. It was as if, no matter how much he deserved it, her slapping him justified him slapping her. It didn’t, but obviously she felt that way.

Victor reappeared. "Tea’s ready." He looked at them, wondering what was going on.

Lifting her to her feet, Kevin put his arm around her shoulders. "We’re okay."

They followed him into the kitchen.

Chapter 27
They spent the evening raiding the kitchen and eating almost everything in the house. Then they found an old movie to curl up together and watch. Victor had made plans with Mary and, only after Lucy promised to call him if things got ugly again, he left them alone. Kevin sat at the end of the couch, with Lucy across his lap on a pillow. About halfway through the movie, she rolled over, asleep. Smiling to himself, he touched her hair. She was so beautiful. His eye caught the side of her face. The bruise he’d given her on the island was almost faded, but she’d have a new one now. Another bruise he’d given her.

He thought about everything she’d said. She was right. He’d never trust her again if he didn’t let himself try. And he wanted to. He was having trouble explaining to her that trusting her was only part of the problem. It was a big part, but the one thing on his mind at the moment was that he couldn’t trust himself. He couldn’t trust himself not to lose his temper. He couldn’t trust himself not to scream at her or hit her again.

But he loved her. He wanted to be with her. The fact that she would still have him after everything he’d done to her amazed him. And maybe it was time she kept score. So he’d remember how lucky he was to still have her in his life.

Gail had agreed to see him first thing in the morning. He hadn’t told her everything, but she’d understood he was upset about having no control over his emotions. Why was he reacting so badly to everything? The fact that Scott could send him into such a rage told Kevin that he needed to get a grip on himself. Lucy was right. Scott probably loved making him that angry this morning. The fact that he was so insecure concerning Lucy. Of course, Scott had no idea how dearly Lucy had paid for it. If he did, his next visit wouldn’t begin as nicely as the one this morning had.

He opened his eyes. It was definitely time to go to bed. Gently, he shook her.

"Lucy?"

Opening her eyes, she sat up.

"I’m going upstairs. You’re-"

Without a word, she went upstairs.

He shrugged. "Well, I was going to say you’re welcome to stay with me.

Glad you waited for me to ask." He muttered to himself as he followed her upstairs.

He stopped to turn off the lights, so her dress was already on the floor and she was lying on his bed, asleep, before he lay down beside her. Her breathing was as deep and even as it had been before he’d shaken her, and he realized she hadn’t really woken up. He couldn’t help but smile.

"I hope you’re not too surprised in the morning." Resisting the urge to touch her, he put his back to her and fell asleep instantly.

Lucy woke to the bed shaking. The last thing she remembered was being on the couch and it took her a moment to recognize the bedroom. Kevin was in the middle of another nightmare.

Sitting up, she watched his arms. She knew that he could swing them, and she was in the way.

"Kevin?" Sliding out of range, she touched him. "Kevin. Come on, Doc.

It’s okay."

He jumped up, looking around. When he turned to her, she leaned away from him, not sure of what he was going to do. "Lucy."

"You awake?" She wanted to be sure before she let her guard down.

"Another nightmare, right?" Pushing his hair away from his face, she nodded.

"I woke you up. I’m sorry."

"I hope didn’t mind me staying. I don’t remember coming up here."

He couldn’t help himself, he smiled. "I’m not sure you even really opened your eyes. I shook you, you came up here and that was it."

"Sorry."

"No. I didn’t mean it that way." Kevin took her hand. "I’m actually glad you stayed. And I’m sure you can guess how thrilled Victor will be when he sees you in the morning."

He kissed her hand.

She pulled him to her. "We’re going to get through this. I know we are."
 

"I wish I was as optimistic as you are." Leaning back, he put his arms around her. She snuggled close to him, putting her head on his chest. Staring at the ceiling, he caressed her shoulders gently. Her hand moving across his chest only reminded him of what he’d been missing for the last 8 months.

It wasn’t a conscious decision on either of their parts, but their caresses became more of an arousing massage. His hand traveled across her shoulders and down her back while the other traveled the length of her arm up to her face. She ran her hand from his chest, across the muscles in his stomach, and down his legs. Gently, he kissed her head, and was relieved when she responded by kissing his chest. This time he made an effort to be gentle with her. The last thing he wanted to do was scare her.

Lifting her head, she started to kiss his lips, but her own lip was too sore. So she nibbled his neck and put her hand on his face. Wrapping his arms around her, he slid his hands down her body.

Lucy concentrated on the feeling of his hands on her. He wasn’t holding her, pulling or pushing her. He was just touching her, and she was completely relaxed. He rolled over on his side and faced her. Barely touching her lips with his own, he whispered to her.

"I love you, Lucy."

Tears filled her eyes, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him as hard as she could with the split in her lip. Not thinking, Kevin rolled over on top of her.

As soon as she felt his weight on her, she tensed. It confused her. She knew exactly what he was going to do. He wasn’t going to hurt her, or do anything to her she didn’t want him to. But the fact that he could terrified her. Unable to breathe, she closed her eyes and didn’t move.

Kevin felt her body tense, and looked at her. "Lucy," Quickly, he moved off of her and sat next to her on his knees. "Talk to me. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong."

Sitting up, she looked at him. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me. If I did, I’d be okay."

"Okay. We have to start somewhere. Tell me what’s going through your mind."

"You’re off duty, Doc." Pushing him down on his back, she climbed on top of him. "I’m thinking about making love to you. Kissing you, holding you, feeling you inside me. How badly I want it." Before he could say anything, she kissed him, moving her mouth along his neck, lightly biting him. Insistently, she pushed his sweat pants down and took him in her hands.

For a brief moment, Kevin realized she was trying to prove something to him, maybe even herself. But she was persistent, and knew so well how to touch him that he couldn’t focus on anything except how she made him feel.

When she moved up to guide him into her body, he reached for her, then thought better of it. Her panic seemed to be connected to him holding her.

Putting her face on his chest, she took a few deep breaths. So far, so good. Kevin was right, she had to prove to herself that he had nothing to do with the feelings of panic she’d been experiencing. Seeing his hands at his sides, she leaned over to whisper.

"Touch me."

He gripped her waist and she tensed. Watching her carefully, he relaxed his grip and slid his hands up her sides. Between the sensations going through his body and the thoughts going through his mind, he was starting to get a headache. But he resolved to let her be in control. It seemed to be what she needed. Sliding his hands over her breasts and up to her face, he was careful to not give the slightest impression of holding her. Closing her eyes, she sighed and pushed her face against his hand.

Knowing he couldn’t stay like this forever, she took his hands with her own and leaned over him. With a firm grip on his hands, she moved her body on him and kissed him. When his body tensed, he gripped her hands, but didn’t pull away. His first instinct has always been to hold her waist and pull her closer to get as far inside her as he could. But he didn’t want to scare her. So he squeezed her hands put his head back when his body shuddered under her.

After, she laid on him for a few minutes, knowing he’d been careful with her. Her eyes met his.

"It’ll be better next time."

Kevin didn’t know if she meant better for him or herself. "It’s always good for me with you. But I’ll admit, I feel better when I know you’re enjoying yourself, and not challenging yourself."

With a guilty look on her face, she pulled away from him and sat on the foot of the bed with her back to him.

"Lucy, come here. Please?" When she didn’t respond, he moved to sit behind her and took her hand gently. "Talk to me. Tell me about it."

"I don’t know if I can."

He decided to push her. "You promised. I want to help you, but I can’t if I don’t know what’s going on in your mind."

Turning to him, her eyes wouldn’t meet his.

"Look at me." Barely touching her chin, he tilted her face to meet his gaze. "I’ve judged you in the past, I admit it. I was wrong. I won’t judge you about this. I promise."

She took both of his hands in hers. "You don’t understand my family. You can’t understand it."

"You’re right that I don’t. You’ve never told me. But don’t underestimate the fact that I can.

Please, Lucy. Trust me with this. I promise I won’t let you down."

She suddenly sensed he needed this as much as she did. For her to trust him enough to tell him something that she’d never told anyone. Something so deep inside her....

In a strictly defensive move, she pulled the blanket from the bed and wrapped it around her.

While she did this, he put his pants on, he didn’t want the environment to threaten her. He immediately knew that was the psychiatrist in him thinking.

Taking a deep breath, she licked her lips. "First, let me tell you that no one in my family should have ever had children. They just weren’t cut out to be parents. They did the best they could, but it just wasn’t something they should have done, you know?"

He nodded.

"Charlene did the best she could. Colton, Decker, and I were all accidents. I wasn’t even hers, but she did the best she could by all three of us. But she’d quit high school to have Colton, and she couldn’t get a job making enough to support us. So she had boyfriends when she could to help pay the bills." Her eyes searched Kevin’s to see what he was thinking.

"Lucy, lots of women only stay with men to pay the bills. Women marry men because they make enough money to support them."

Tears came to her eyes. "You mean like doctors, right?" It wasn’t a question.

Kevin realized he’d put his foot so far in his mouth, he would have to have his knee surgically removed. Why did he think she’d married Alan and Tony? "I’m NOT judging you, or your aunt, Lucy. As a matter of fact, in a strictly clinical sense, you fell right into the pattern your primary female role model set for you. I-"

"Shut up. I know where I got it, okay?" She was almost laughing at the lack of finesse to his backpedal. "You know, you’re kind of cute with your foot sticking out of your mouth."

Laughing at himself, he squeezed her hands. "I want you to feel comfortable about telling me this."

"I don’t. I’ve never felt comfortable about the whole thing. But I’ll tell you. Because I promised.

And maybe it’s time I told someone."

Watching her intently, Kevin saw the pain on her face.

"When I was 13, she met this one guy, JJ. Jimmy Joe. He was a total jerk. He got along with Colton to a point, but he couldn’t stand Decker. And he gave me the creeps. He stayed away a lot, but when he was there, he would pick fights with the boys to make them leave. I think he was okay to Charlene when she was home. They went away together a few times. She would never tell us where they were going, but she would always call to see how we were."

"You were 13 and she left you alone?"

She shrugged as if the thought had never bothered her. "Decker was 12, and Colton was 15. We were okay, as long as Colton and I stayed away from each other. I think what kept us straight was that we knew that if we got in trouble we’d all be stuck in Juvy Hall until Charlene came back. She was never gone more than a day or two back then. She didn’t start going for a week until we were older. By then she’d lost all control over us anyway."

"Maybe because she left you alone too much when you were younger." Kevin muttered. Lucy was right about one thing. Her family was not cut out to have children.

He realized she was glaring at him. "Sorry. No comment."

"I don’t know what he did for a living, but he paid the bills. I don’t think it was legal, either. But he had money, and he didn’t mind giving it to Charlene for us. And, like I said, he was away a lot. Financially, he was one of the best. We all had new clothes, and every time Charlene went away with him, when she got back, she would buy all of us something we didn’t need, but wanted. Colton got something for this dirt bike he had. Decker wanted stereo equipment, I got make up or nail polish. Or more clothes. Sort of a reward for not getting trouble while she was gone. Or not killing each other, or not tearing the house down. Take your pick. But it was nice."

Kevin didn’t need an intimate knowledge of Lucy to know she was rambling to avoid the subject. But this was one thing he wasn’t going to rush her about. She had decided to tell him, and he was going to let her tell him anyway she wanted to. He made a note of her expressions when she talked about her family. She loved Charlene. Not just the fact that she defended her, but the tone of her voice when she did it. The mention of Decker almost made her smile. She was fond of her younger cousin. He knew before this moment that she had very little, if any, use for Colton. But that was for another night. Tonight he wanted to know how to help her get past something that had destroyed her. And because of him had returned to haunt her.

"You wouldn’t have recognized me back then. I was tall, skinny, and just beginning to grow into by body. I looked about 15 or 16 by then, but I was incredibly shy.

Remember when boys discover the wonder of the bra? And they go around snapping them every chance they get?"

She laughed at the confused look on Kevin’s face. "Trust me. American boys go through this phase. And I lived with two of them. I was completely paranoid. They’d outgrown that phase by then, but they still teased me every chance they got. How long my legs were, how skinny they were, how big my breasts were. You name it, I heard about it." She shook her head. "It wasn’t exactly one way. I knew how to get to them. I pushed every button they both had. Decker and I would get tired of fighting and get along by the end of the night. We were friends. Colton and I...

let’s just say if we hadn’t fought with each other, we wouldn’t have communicated at all. I was just starting start high school, and I felt like this complete geek."

He smiled, trying to picture Lucy not being sure of her body. She was the most sexually self- aware woman he’d ever met. She knew where every man’s eyes were when she entered a room.

She’d made sure of it on more than one occasion.

"I guess it started for me on my 14th birthday. JJ gave me a bathing suit." Her eyes met his for a moment before dropping to the floor. "A string bikini. I thought he was picking on me at first.

But he kept after me to try it on. So I finally did. To be honest, I amazed myself when I looked in the mirror. It looked good. I went out to show them." She began to laugh. "Colton actually whistled. I think that was one of the very few times he actually said something nice to me. Well, as nice as he got. He said ‘damn, girl, if we weren’t cousins...’ Charlene was as shocked as I was. I don’t think she’d realized how much I’d grown in the last few months until then. But JJ..."

Her voice trailed off and she licked her lips a few times. "JJ stared at me like I was dinner. And it made my skin crawl. After that, whenever we were alone in the house, he would stare at me.

So I stayed away as much as I could. I tried to never be alone with him."

"You never told anyone he was looking at you like that?"

"I talked about it with Decker. Decker said he was a pervert and he’d always looked at me that way. I just hadn’t noticed."

"Curiosity question. Why didn’t you tell Charlene?"

"She was there when he gave me the bathing suit. I figured she knew. And if she didn’t mind, who was I to say anything? I mean, at that point, all he did was look."

Kevin tried to hide his reaction to her words. ‘At that point’. He’d figured out where this was going, but she’d pretty much told him with that. And he was still shocked.

She stopped, really not wanting to go farther with this. But there was more to it than the obvious.

Kevin was sure of it. So he waited for her to continue.

Her voice got quiet and she almost whispered the next part. "I didn’t know he was home. I’d been in my bedroom reading, and when I came out to get a drink, he was sitting on the couch. He asked me why I never wore the bathing suit he’d given me. When I didn’t answer him, he told me to go put it on." Tears slid down her face and she began to tremble.

Squeezing her hands, Kevin didn’t know if he should touch her or not. He waited for her to let him know.

"I didn’t want to fight with him. So I finally went and put it on. I had every intention of going outside. When I went through the living room, he called me over to him.

I didn’t know it at the time, but when I think about it now, I think he was drunk, or stoned. I don’t think he would have had the nerve to.. Well, let’s just say he was braver than he normally was."

She looked at him for reassurance. His eyes met hers and didn’t falter.

It was enough for her.

"He starts on about sitting with him on the couch. I didn’t want to, and he got pissed at me. He started ranting about how I liked to tease him and I’d been leading him on since I’d met him."

Pausing again, she tried to stop her voice from shaking. When she spoke again, it was better, but not steady. "He got up and blocked me from getting out the door. I knew what he wanted, but I didn’t want to know, you know what I mean?"

Kevin nodded.

"I... I panicked. It was a foot race to my bedroom door. I beat him to my room, but he got there before I could shut the door. He grabbed me, and he started on about me being a slut just like my mother. And it was about time I started earning my keep. I screamed and he slapped me. As soon as I fell, it was over. I mean any chance I had of fighting. He was on top of me, and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t get him off me. He could have done anything he wanted to me and I couldn’t stop him. And he did." She started to shake, and Kevin finally put his arms around her. It occurred to him that she was also describing the way she’d felt on Jasmine Island when he’d attacked her himself.

"I can’t. I can’t do this. He hurt me. He held me down and he hurt me so badly." Her words were almost unintelligible because she was crying so hard. "I thought he might kill me. But he didn’t.

Then I wished he had." She didn’t say another word. Clinging to his arms, she curled up against him.

Kevin couldn’t stop himself from crying. Rocking her, he waited for her to stop. He was squeezing her so hard he was afraid he was going to hurt her, but she held his arms tighter and folded her body as if she wanted to completely fit in his arms. It was almost ten minutes before she stopped shaking and began to breathe deeply.

Kissing her head, he whispered in her ear. "What did you do... after?"

"Threw the sheets and the bathing suit in the trash."

"Did you.. Did you tell... anyone?"

She nodded. "I told Charlene."

Kevin waited.

"Kevin, she had a 10th grade education and the only job she could get was waiting tables. She had two sons and me. What do you think she did?"

Suddenly, Kevin didn’t want the answer. But he couldn’t stop her.

"I didn’t have to tell her. I didn’t come out of my room the next day and she came in to check on me. It wasn’t hard to figure out. I was covered with bruises, and I couldn’t stop crying. She held me for a while. She was sorry. But she told me she was afraid that was going to happen. That she’d done her best to keep him from ‘getting at me’ is what she called it." Sitting up, Lucy stared at the floor, once again whispering. "I’ll never forget that. She pretty much told me how things worked in the world for our family that day. JJ was a lot of things, but he paid the bills.

She was crying, like she didn’t want to tell me. But it was how things worked. We did what we had to do to survive. She promised me she wouldn’t let me be alone with him again, and that she would tell him to stay away from me." Her eyes wouldn’t quite meet Kevin’s. "She did. It took a lot, but she never let him be alone in the house with me again. She did her best to make it okay for me. I know she didn’t want it to happen, but what could she do?"

Kevin felt himself losing his temper at something that happened too many years ago for him to do anything about it. "She tried to make it okay for you? How could she do that? By continuing to let him live in her home after he raped her 14-year-old niece? By being with him and accepting what he’d done to you?"

"She didn’t accept it! She hated it! Six months later, the night he left, they had a huge fight. I could hear every word they said. He started calling her all these names, going on about our family, that he’d heard all about us. That she was a tramp, my mother was a whore, and I was a slut. She screamed at him that he could use all the excuses he wanted, but the fact of the matter was a real man wouldn’t have had to get at a 14 year old girl if he could handle a woman his own age. And he couldn’t. So he could pack his bags and get the hell out."

He’d known Lucy was the best at rationalization for her actions, but this was beyond any sort of rationalization he’d ever heard. Evidently, Charlene had been an excellent teacher. Lucy was actually defending a woman that had, for all intents and purposes, sold her to a low life boyfriend who happened to pay the bills.

Seeing his emotions on his face, Lucy stood and paced around the bedroom. "I told you that you had to understand my family! Charlene did the best she could. We had nothing! It was seven months after JJ left before Charlene found another boyfriend. By then Colton and I both had jobs, so she ended up with this leech that lived off her because he was nice to her. You tell me, what’s better?"

"So what about you? Did you accept it?"

Her eyes met his for a moment, as though she was contemplating something. Finally she sighed.

"I learned a lot that winter. A few months later, I had sex with a boy in my school. I wanted to decide for myself when and where the next time. I found out that I had a lot of power over those boys. They didn’t want anything to do with me after, but I could get them to do pretty much anything I wanted them to do in order to get at me. And then I discovered how much they would tell me in bed. About themselves, their friends, their girlfriends. I got all kinds of information about the same girls who liked to tease and torment me because I didn’t have as much money as they did. Not to mention the fact that I had their boyfriends. I found out where the phrase ‘pillow talk’ came from."

Kevin realized he was staring into the answer to why Lucy was the way she was. At least before she’d learned to trust his love. Then he’d shown her that his love wasn’t any better than any of the others. No wonder she’d run to Scott. Suddenly everything about her made perfect sense, in a clinical psychiatric sense. Abused, abandoned, used, the list went on.

And she’d gotten through it. Not without scars, but she was here, in one piece.

Walking to her, he touched her face. "Thank you."

"For?"

"For trusting me with this part of you. For telling me something you really didn’t want to talk about."

"I love you. I’d share anything with you. I don’t have trouble trusting you. I just have trouble thinking about these things period. I don’t want them in my head."

"And because of me, they’re right here in front of you all over again."

"No-" His eyes met hers. "Okay. I’ve been having these…" Shrugging, she pushed her hair back behind her ears. "I guess you’d call them panic attacks. I have no idea why."

"Yes, you do."

"I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. Really. That’s not it."

Not saying a word, he stared at her.

"What do you want me to say? That it started then? It wasn’t you. I know that. I just… I haven’t felt that… out of control… defenseless, maybe? I don’t know for sure myself, so it’s not that I don’t want to explain it."

Sitting on the bed, he pulled her into his lap. "Tell me this. Don’t think about it. Just tell me.

What were you feeling when I was on top of you?"

"I couldn’t move. If you’d- I know you wouldn’t, but if you’d decided to hurt me, I wouldn’t be able to stop you. You could’ve done anything to me you want." She shook her head. "But I think you’ve figured out that I would let you do anything to me you wanted, anyway. It wouldn’t be a matter of if I could stop you. I wouldn’t. Which is why none of this makes sense to me."

"Lucy, I know I hurt you. You couldn’t stop me. You just said it. You weren’t in control of what was happening to your body. That’s what makes what I did to you so wrong. You were afraid.

You didn’t know what I was going to do." Before she could reply, he shook his head. "I know you don’t believe I’d hurt you if I was in control of myself. But I wasn’t, and you knew it. Just like this afternoon. I’m not in control of myself anymore than you were in control on Jasmine Island. It makes sense, but it shows you how badly I hurt you."

She took his hands. "What do you want me to say? You hurt me. I had no idea what you were going to do to me. And I couldn’t stop you." Her voice caught and she began to cry again.

"There. I said it. Happy?"

He’d known this. He’d wanted her to admit it. He’d fought with her to see it for what it was.

Then why did he feel like he’d been kicked in the stomach when she finally said it? His face showed how much it hurt him to hear her say it, and she instantly regretted it. "You didn’t hurt me that badly. It’s not like….. HIM. You didn’t beat me.

You didn’t do it because you wanted to hurt me. It wasn’t because you thought I was a tease, or a slut, or anything like that. You were hurting. That’s it. That’s all there was to it."

"Lucy," He was shaking his head, and she put her finger to his lips.

"Yes, I remembered being that afraid, and that out of control. But that’s the end of it. There is absolutely no other similarity. It’s a feeling. Not a situation. Okay?"

A thought occurred to her and she looked him in the eyes. "It’s a feeling of being powerless over what happened to you.

Anger at who did it, anger at yourself for not stopping it. It has nothing to do with the person standing in front of you." Pausing a moment, she let him think about her words. "Gee, Doc.

Sound familiar?"

Wrapping his arms around her, he held her to him. "Okay. The house triggered me. I triggered you. Now what?"

"Now, we tear the house down. We know what’s in your past, and we don’t need to revisit it.

And we work through mine."

"How?"

"The way you already are." She nodded towards the bed. "By being gentle with me. Letting me decide how to go about it." Jumping up, she walked around the room. "I know, we’ll set goals for ourselves."

"This might not be good. Your goals are so lofty."

Putting her hands on his legs, she leaned over to face him. "Oh, these goals are obtainable. Trust me. And they could be a lot of fun."

"I’m intrigued."

"Your goal. Let’s see." She snapped her fingers. "I don’t expect this overnight. But I do expect it before Serena graduates high school. I’m not the most patient person in the world, you know."

She got back in his face. "You have to sit down at a dinner table with Scott. And me. And actually say both of our names in the same sentence without completely losing control."

"You’re asking a lot of me. I couldn’t do that before all this started."
 

"So you’ll be a better man for your efforts. Of course, it might be a moot point anyway. I haven’t SPOKEN to Scott about yesterday." Her tone told Kevin that talking was not what she intended to do. "There may not be enough left of him to sit down to dinner with when I get done with him."

Smiling in spite of himself, Kevin looked at her. "That’s a lot of work for me. What’s you goal going to be?"

"I admit, my goal is going to be a lot more fun. For both of us. I’m going to get over this feeling of panic when you hold me. We’re going to have to keep trying until I can relax with you on top of me. My goal is to not panic when you…" Her face took on a very seductive look. "Tie me up, and torture me with ecstasy any way you want." She punctuated the last four words by poking his chest gently with her finger.

"Is next Tuesday too early for dinner?" Grinning, he grabbed her finger.

"Anxious, are we?"

"Contemplating the possibilities."

"You’ve got some time. I expect you to make it worth the effort." The thought almost made her hyperventilate at the moment, but she’d work on it.

Kevin couldn’t help it. He yawned. The clock beside the bed said 4AM.

"Do you think we could get a few more hours of sleep before we go into training to reach our goals?"

Yawning herself, Lucy took the blanket from around her body and lay under it on the bed. When he joined her, she put her head on his chest. Carefully, he put his hand on her shoulders, not holding her.

Lucy fell asleep in minutes, but Kevin laid awake and watched her.

Everything she’d told him kept running through his mind. Everything she’d buried years ago and he’d brought back in one minute. How had she forgiven him? Finally, exhaustion took over, and he fell asleep.

Chapter 28
The next morning, Lucy woke and watched Kevin sleep for almost an hour. Finally, unwilling to wake him from the peaceful sleep he had finally fallen into, she slid out of bed. Putting on his robe, she went downstairs to find Victor just pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Lucy! My dear, you have no idea how good it is to see you here." Offering her the cup in his hand, he pulled another out of the cabinet and poured himself another.

"It's good to be here, Victor." Sitting down, she waited for Victor to sit across from her.

Eyeing her swollen lip and bruised cheek, his tone was quiet. "Was everything...."

"Fine. No fights, nobody took a swing at anyone." She tried to laugh. "Sorry. Tried to keep it light, you know?"

"Lucy, there is nothing light about this. I can't stand what's happening between you and Monk. It means everything to both of us that you're still willing to be here, but at what cost to you? It hurts me so badly to see him treat you this way."

"It hurts him, too, Victor. He doesn't mean it. I know that."

"That doesn't make it right." Victor stared into his coffee. "When I saw him slap you yesterday, I couldn't stop him. I wanted to, you know that, don't you?"

"Of course I do." Lucy sighed. "He wanted to stop himself. But, Victor, you both keep forgetting one teeny fact. I slapped him, first! I couldn't deal with what he was saying, and I took the first swing yesterday. Anyone's first instinct would have been to hit back."

"That doesn't make it right. Let's face facts, Lucy. You're a pretty strong woman, but I seriously doubt that you could do half the damage to his face that he did to yours. And I was just about to start on what he said to you."

"Save your breath, Victor. We were up half the night talking about it." Reaching across the table, she took his hand. "We're okay. We're going to get through this and make it work between us. So if we had to resort to taking swings at each other to get here, I'd do it again." Grinning, she winced a bit from the split in her lip. "Actually, between you and me, if I'd thought all it took to get him back was to go rounds with him, I would have slapped him 8 months ago."

Victor answered her smile with his own. "You, Lucy Coe, are wicked."

"But I'm the best at it."

They were still laughing when Kevin entered the room. Staring at them like he was definitely missing the joke, he poured himself a cup of coffee and joined them. His eyes met Lucy's, and she looked down. Taking her hand, he squeezed it until her eyes met his. When they did, he stared into them, and she finally smiled.

Victor got the impression that a lot more had happened last night, but he said nothing. Whatever had happened was between them, and, apparently, it had been good.

"So, what do the two of you have planned today?"

"I'm not sure, but as long as we're together, I don't care." Pulling his hand to her lips, she kissed it.

"I have to see Gail, but after that, I'm free." Kevin traced her jawline with his finger, still holding her hand. "I want to spend time with you before I go. And after I get done."

"Well, I have plans with Mary again today. We're going to some craft show. I would love it if you both came with us." Victor was more than a little obvious.

"Victor, we're fine." Lucy laughed. "We can play nice together, trust me." The tone of her voice told Victor exactly what she meant.

With an exaggerated facial expression, Victor closed his mouth and nodded.

"The first thing I'd like to do is go get Sigmund from the hotel. Is that okay with you?"

Moving from his chair, Kevin stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "Well, since I'm hoping that means you intend to spend most of your time here, I'll go help you get all his feathers."

Laughing, Lucy looked up to kiss him. "How about all my feathers?" Her eyes met his and she held her breath, waiting for his answer.

Sighing, Kevin took her face in his hands. "Lucy, I would love to tell you to go pack and come home. But I don't want to rush into this."

Tears came to her eyes, and she pulled away. Standing, she shrugged. "It's okay. I'm pushy. I know it. I have no right to-"

She'd moved quickly, but he'd seen her tears. As she moved toward the coffee pot, Kevin's eyes met Victor's glare briefly before he went to her and wrapped his arms around her. "You have every right. But I have the right to finish what I was going to say. I want you here. Always. Always and forever, do you understand that?"

She nodded.

"But, until I'm sure I won't hurt you again, I want you to have somewhere to go. I hate this, but if things get out of control between us, you need to be able to get away from me. I don't know what will set me off, and I can't live with taking it out on you anymore." Turning her to face him, he stared into her eyes. "I love you. I couldn't stop loving you, no matter what. I know. I tried." Before she could pull away from him, he continued quickly. "I was wrong. I admit it. I was wrong, unfair, arrogant, egotistical, and several other things Victor has called me in the last 8 months. I want you to be able to get out of here if you need to, but I hope you won't have to leave a whole lot at the hotel when WE go get Sigmund and pack you things. Just not all of them, okay?"

Not caring that he was butting in, Victor stood beside them, and took Lucy's hand. "He's right, Lucy. I hate to say it, but he's right. You need to understand that if the situation gets too out of hand, you need to get out of here. Neither of us want you to get hurt."

She started to interrupt him, but both men shook their heads.

"It's not that we don't want you here, full time, and permanently, but until Kevin gets control of his temper, you're just not completely safe here. And you need to know where to draw the line. I know for a fact that Kevin couldn't live with himself if he hurt you again, so this is as much for his protection as yours." Victor knew that Lucy was not concerned about her own safety, but if they could convince her that it would also protect Kevin, she would understand. It hurt Victor that things had deteriorated to this point with Kevin, but, even though he was his son, his first thought was for Lucy's physical safety.

"No arguments, please?" Kissing her softly, Kevin squeezed her hands.

Looking from Kevin to Victor, and back, she finally nodded. "Okay, I'll leave a FEW things there, okay? Will that make the two of you happy?"

A knock on the door interrupted them. Leaving Lucy and Victor in the kitchen, Kevin went to the door and opened it.

Eve stared at him for a moment. "I.... I needed a few more things." Tears came to her eyes, and she stared at the floor.

"I....." Kevin had no idea what to say to her.

"I know... I know Lucy's here. I saw her car." Clearing her throat, she sighed. "I'm not here to fight with her. I'm here to get a few things."

Stepping back, Kevin stared at the kitchen door, dreading the moment it opened.

It did. Lucy appeared, still laughing at whatever was going on between her and Victor. "Doc, I-"

Her voice trailed off when she saw Eve. "Eve."

"Lucy."

Kevin could physically feel the tension in the room.

"I came to get some of my things." Eve faced Lucy, and her eyes showed the shock at the sight of the split Kevin had left in her lip the night before.

Realizing what Eve was looking at, Lucy turned around and walked to the sofa.

Eve's eyes went to Kevin's, and the way he lowered them from her gaze told her everything. Taking a deep breath, Eve motioned towards the stairs. "I need my jackets for work. Would you get them, so I can get my coats out of the closet and be out of your way."

Not knowing what to say, Kevin went upstairs. Eve crossed the living room, staring at Lucy. After hesitating a moment, she stared Lucy in the eyes and spoke quietly. "He's out of control, isn't he."

Lucy shrugged. "He'll be okay."

"How can you be so sure? I'm not blind, Lucy. I can see what he did to you. That's not from Jasmine Island. That's new. Yesterday, at the earliest."

"Leave it alone, Eve. You don't understand."

"Actually, I do, Lucy. I know something is really wrong with him. He would never hurt you if he-"

"I said leave it alone! It's none of you business." Standing, Lucy tried to walk away.

Unable to stop herself, Eve reached out and grabbed Lucy's arm. "You're right. It's none of my business. I would love to say he finally gave you what you were asking for, you know? I would love to say that he finally had it with your attitude, your mouth, your actions." Tears came to her eyes, and she didn't let up on her grip on Lucy. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet. "But I can't. I know he loves you. He would never hurt you if he was in any kind of control of himself."

Lucy shook her head, and Eve continued. "I know, I don't understand. Believe me, I think I understand better than you think I do. You don't want to believe he'll do it again, right? You can't walk away from him in the condition he's in. Lucy, letting him do this to you isn't the answer."

"Eve, it's not like that. He's not some out of control, abusive boyfriend. I get the feeling we've both had our share of those. You know he's different." Gently, she pulled her arm free from Eve and glanced up the stairs before continuing. "I know you care about him, and-"

"I love him, Lucy." The tears finally came, and Eve knew to try to stop them was a waste of time. "I love him enough to let him go if you are really what he wants."

Lucy started to speak, and Eve shook her head. "Don't. I know, he's always loved you. I tried to convince myself that he felt the same way I did. He did, just not about me. I really don't need you to tell me, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't rub it in, okay?"

Now Lucy started to cry. "I wasn't, Eve. I swear. I was going to say I'm sorry."

At the confused look Eve gave her, she continued. "Kevin and I made a royal mess of our lives, and you got caught in the middle. I know you love him." She smiled sadly. "How could you not love a man like him? I screwed up, I know that. He tried to shut out how much I hurt him. We were both wrong to think we could just walk away from each other. But it wasn't just our lives we were messing with. We got other people mixed up in it, and you got hurt. I'm sorry, I am so sorry for that. But what's happening now, with him, he'll get through it. He's always gotten through it." She shrugged again. "It's part of who he is, and I understand that. And you're right. He would never raise a hand against me if he could control himself. Right now he's having a really hard time." Wiping her eyes, she looked at Eve. "But if we have to go through this, we will."

"Are you sure?" Eve looked at her.

"Yes." Lucy didn't hesitate. "I love him, Eve. I'll never hurt him again." Her eyes met Eve's again, and she almost whispered. "I've learned how empty my life is without him, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it never happens again. He needs help, right now. I know him well enough to know that I'm out of my league with the problems he has. But I can stand beside him and give him whatever it is I can to help."

"That's all I want, Lucy. I want him to be happy. Don't hurt him again. I honestly don't think he could take it."

Kevin reappeared, glancing at the two women as if he expected the worst. He was actually suprised to find them both still standing.

Eve looked at Kevin, than back at Lucy. Taking the jackets from him, Eve headed for the door. "If you could send the rest of my things to Chris's, I'd appreciate it."

As soon as she was gone, Kevin turned to Lucy. Meeting his eyes, she sighed and sat down. "How did things get so screwed up?"

Kevin sat beside her and took her hand. "I wish I knew."

"So many people got hurt in this. You, me, Eve, Scott, Serena. God, Kevin, this effected so many people."

"I know. When we make a mess of things, we make a real mess, don't we." Leaning back, he pulled her into his arms. "But all we can do is make sure we don't do it again. I'm just as sorry as you are for everything that happened, but we can't change it. I hope Eve doesn't think this was some sort of game to me-"

"She doesn't. She loves you, Kevin. We were kind of talking about you while you were upstairs."

"That's what I was afraid of. I expected something to be broken when I came back."

Shaking her head, Lucy squeezed his hand. "No. She understands, and I know what she's going through. Eight months ago, I was in the same position she's in right now, you know?"

Kevin kissed her head, and held her tighter. "This is it. From now on, no matter what, we know we belong together. Maybe we had to go through that to really understand that, to appreciate it."

"And, believe me, I do." Closing her eyes, Lucy snuggled closer to Kevin and sighed.