TITLE: "The Light At The End Of A Dark Dawn" -- Chapter Three

RATING: NC-17
AUTHOR: Cindy Wylie (RkieFan1960@AOL.com)  and Chuck The Lurker (AugieSwan2@AOL.com) for this chapter only.

SUMMARY: Mike faces a depressing holiday season as a cancer patient and desperately tries to reconnect physically with Jill. Jill, meanwhile, starts having a crisis of her own with Michelle.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: 'The Boxer' was written by Paul Simon and is sung by Simon and Garfunkel. It can be found on 'Bridge Over Troubled Water.' I have it on 'Simon And Garfunkel: Collected Works' (a great CD set, I might add). 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face' was written by Ewan MacColl and is sung by Roberta Flack. It can be found on the album 'First Take.' I have it on 'Roberta Flack's Greatest Hits' CD.

I want to thank CTL, who wrote part two of this chapter. He's been a great deal of help explaining how difficult things would be from the male perspective. Thanks, Chuck.
 

'I am just a poor boy
Though my story's seldom told,
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocketful of mumbles,
Such are promises
All lies and jest
Still, a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

When I left my home
And my family,
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station,
Running scared,
Laying low,
Seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go,
Looking for the places
Only they would know

Asking only workman's wages,
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers,
Just a come-on from the whores
On Seventh Avenue
I do declare,
There were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

Then I'm laying out my winter clothes
And wishing I was home,
Going home
Where the New York City winters
Aren't bleeding me,
Leading me,
Going home

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains
 

The words of that song kept going round and round in Mike's head as he stepped off of the elevator onto the Oncology Ward of Memorial Hospital. He looked around gloomily at the string of red and green tinsel that seemed to be strung up on every available surface. For some reason, the festive Christmas colors only added to his ever-increasing depression. The nurse on duty at the nurses' station looked up when Mike stopped in front of the desk.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Danko. Let's get your blood work and I'll let Dr. Olivarez know that you're here," she said cheerfully. "Follow me, please."

Mike stepped back to a treatment room as the nurse drew blood from the catheter in his chest. "Let me take this to the lab and get your blood count. I'll be back in a jiffy," she chirped in the same cheerful tone as she left the room.

Mike didn't know what the hell she had to be so cheerful about. He couldn't imagine having to work on this ward with so much death and suffering and staying cheerful day in and day out. It would be enough to drive him quietly insane.

"You know, this ward is the most depressing place on the face of this earth. Nobody who comes up here is ever happy," Mike remarked as Dr. Olivarez walked in, his expression somber.

"You're not going to be happy, either. We have to postpone your treatment for today, Mike," Dr. Olivarez informed Mike apologetically.

"Why? Did you run out of chemo drugs? If that's the case, maybe I shouldn't be complaining," Mike sneered.

"Your white count is low. We need to bolster it up before we resume your treatment," the doctor explained.

"How long will that take?" Mike asked warily.

"I'll give you a vial of Neupogen and we'll check your count again in two days. Jill should give you an injection of Neupogen once a day," the doctor told him.

"Great, now my wife has to resort to giving me injections," Mike snapped.

"Mike, we talked about this when I explained to you what the side effects of the chemo could be. If I resume your treatment, it's going to leave you more open to infections. By the way, you need to stay away from anybody who might have colds or other contagious diseases...at least until we get your counts back up. Let me go get the Neupogen and some syringes," the doctor said, leaving the room.

Mike sighed and looked at his watch. Jill was supposed to meet him upstairs after she got off work so she could drive him home after he had his treatment. Things had been rough lately. The investigation wasn't going well and the treatments were leaving Mike more drained than he wanted to let on. Plus Jill was having some sort of a crisis with Michelle. He felt bad about not being able to help her out more where the girls were concerned.

"Here you go, Mike," the doctor said, returning to the room with a small plastic bag. "The directions are in the bag with the Neupogen. Now, would you prefer large needles or small needles?"

"You're kidding, right? You must think I'm some sort of a sadist. Do you think I'm really going to tell you to give me the large needles?" Mike asked, not believing his ears.

"I guess that means you'd rather have the small needles," Olivarez commented with a small smile, removing a package from a locked cabinet in the treatment room. "These are considered a biohazard, so dispose of them accordingly."

"That's funny, my sperm was considered a biohazard, too," Mike snarled, taking the bag from the doctor.

"Mike, would you like to talk? You seem more uptight than usual today," the doctor commented.

"You know what I'd really like to do, doc? I'd like to be able to make love to my wife," Mike commented sadly.

"There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to make love to Jill," the doctor assured him.

"There's one thing in my way. I can't make my body cooperate," Mike admitted ruefully, staring up at the ceiling.

"I'm only going to say one thing about that. Sexual desire is all in the brain. Your brain needs to make your body cooperate. I'll see you in two days," the doctor said, leaving the room.
 
 

Jill was in her office fielding phone calls when Dr. Olivarez knocked on her door. She waved him in as she hung up the phone. "Is something wrong?" Jill asked apprehensively, seeing the look on his face.

"I had to postpone Mike's treatment for today. His white count's low. I gave him a vial of Neupogen and told him I'll see him in two days. How long has he been so depressed?"

"Let's see. This mood has been going on for about three days now. He's working too hard and his current investigation isn't going well," Jill admitted with a sigh.

"Jill, he's responding well to treatment," the doctor assured her. "Have you tried talking to him?"

"Oh, yeah," she answered emphatically. "I understand that he's scared, but I'm scared, too. It seems lately that every time we talk we end up fighting. I don't want to fight and upset him further," she concluded in a small voice.

"Maybe he should try talking to someone," the doctor suggested.

"You mean a shrink? I've suggested that and I'm not even going to repeat what his response was. I think the holidays have him a little down, too."

"That's probably true," Olivarez conceded with a nod. "Look, his white count should bounce back after a couple of injections of Neupogen. Try to assure him of that and I'll see him Friday."

Mike didn’t say anything during the ride home. He walked into the still quiet house and walked upstairs, throwing himself across the bed dejectedly as Jill followed him. She removed the small vial of Neupogen and a syringe, before walking into the bathroom to get a ball of cotton and the bottle of alcohol.

"Let me go ahead and give you an injection before I go pick up the girls. Did Dr. Olivarez explain to you that you’ll probably only need a couple of treatments of this to bring your counts back up?" Jill asked as he nodded.

"I’m sorry that I’m dragging you through this," he mumbled, as he unbuttoned his jeans and lowered them enough for Jill to have access to his hip. She swabbed his hip before jabbing the needle in, wincing at Mike’s sudden intake of breath.

"Well, as I recall when we got married, the vows stated ‘for better or worse, in sickness and in health.’ Let’s just think of this as the ‘in sickness’ part. I love you," she whispered, leaning over to kiss him.

"Go get my girls. I want to sleep for a little while," he closed his eyes as Jill stood up. "Jill?" He stopped her as she started to leave the room. "I love you, too."
 
 

Mike was sitting in his recliner that night reading everything they had on the case so far. His hip was throbbing from the injection Jill had given him that afternoon. Jill walked into the living room with two glasses of iced tea and smiled as she watched Mike adjust his reading glasses in concentration...a move that never failed to remind her of Lt. Ryker.

"I brought you some tea," she smiled, handing him a glass as she sat on the sofa and watched him. "No leads, huh?"

"Huh? No, there's got to be a common denominator connecting all of these murders, but I'll be damned if we can figure out what it is," Mike sighed, putting the file down in disgust. "All's quiet on the western front tonight," he remarked, glancing toward the upstairs bedrooms.

"Yeah, thank God. So, tell me what you've got so far and maybe I can help you put it together," Jill suggested, cupping her hands under her chin and looking at him expectantly.

"We don't know anything. That's the whole problem. We have a dead girl here in L.A. and two dead girls in Seattle. Terry, Willie and I went to school with one of the girl's fathers, another girl's mother was married to a former classmate who died after graduation and I don't know how this Montgomery girl fits in. There was nobody by that name in our class," Mike concluded in disgust.

"Have you asked Eddie?" Jill asked.

"He's been out of town on a case with Trap," Mike told her.

"Not anymore. I talked to him today. He wants me to bring the girls out to the house tomorrow to help put the Christmas lights up. We're going to go over there after school if you want to go with us," Jill cajoled him, hoping he'd agree to come. Putting the lights up at Eddie's had been a tradition ever since Eddie had moved back to the lake house several years before.

"I don't think so, babe. I'm really tired. Maybe I'll take advantage of the peace and quiet to rest," he declined.

"I'm sorry it's been so crazy around here," she apologized.

"I wish you'd tell me what's going on," he prodded her.

"Mike, it's okay. I've got it under control," she assured him.

"I'm starting to feel like part of the furniture around here!" He shouted, getting up and limping towards the kitchen. "Jill, I know I'm not one hundred percent but I'm still their father! If you're having a problem with one of the girls, I wish you'd let me help you resolve it!"

"Mike, there isn't a problem. Please believe me," she whispered, afraid the girls were going to come downstairs from their rooms.

"I'm going to take a shower," he hissed angrily.

She stared after him uncertainly, picked up his tea glass and went into the kitchen. She was cleaning up when Michelle walked in a few minutes later. Tall and graceful with long dark hair sweeping almost to her hips, Michelle was doing her best to drive Jill crazy, which is what Jill figured she was about to do now.

"Am I still going to get to have a birthday party?" Michelle questioned expectantly, leaning against the sink.

"We promised you months ago, Michelle. I don't see why anything's changed," Jill answered in a distracted tone.

"Well, after my party ends, can Thomas and I go to the movies?" Michelle asked, hoping that her mother was worried enough about her father's illness to give in.

"You know the rules, Michelle. You can date when you're 16. I don't know how many times we have to tell you this," Jill reminded her gently, not noticing the rage igniting in the young girl's eyes.

"Is that your rule or his?" Michelle spat out angrily.

"It's ours and you'd better change your tone pretty fast or there won't be a party!" Jill snapped.

"Sweet sixteen and never been kissed. Man, they sure got that right," Michelle muttered under her breath. In a louder voice she announced, "Well, maybe if he weren't around, you'd have more time to pay attention to us for a change!"

Jill had spanked Mary Kathryn plenty of times, but the one thing she'd never done to any of the girls was strike them in the face. She'd had too many unpleasant memories of her own childhood to ever do that to any of them. That all changed with the words that flew out of the teenager's mouth.

"Don't you ever say anything like that to me again!" Jill shouted, slapping Michelle hard across the face.

Mike and the other two girls came running downstairs to see what the commotion was all about. They were just in time to see Michelle run past them toward her room and Jill standing in the middle of the room, shaking with rage.

"What happened? It sounds like World War III is raging down here," Mike noted as Jill brushed past him toward the upstairs. "Jill!"

"Michelle?" Jill called in a pleading voice, tapping on the closed bedroom door. "Michelle, please let me in. I'm sorry."

"You promised you'd never hit us in the face! Our natural father and mother used to do that!" The girl sobbed from the other side of the door.

"Why did you slap her?" Mike demanded, coming up from behind her.

"Because I was defending you!" Jill shouted at him. "You deal with her! You're better at playing mom than I am, anyway!" She bolted past him with tears in her eyes and ran downstairs. She grabbed her purse and car keys and slammed out of the front door.

Mike sighed and tapped on Michelle's closed door. "Michelle, it's daddy. Let me in," he demanded

The door was slowly opened and Michelle's tear-stained face peered out of it. "I didn't mean what I said! I don't know why you and mom won't let me go to the movies with Thomas! It's not like we're going to the drive-in!" Michelle sobbed.

"Michelle, you're going to be 15 years old. Why are you in such a hurry to grow up?" Mike asked.

"My friends get to date and wear make-up. I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't get to do anything."

"Yeah, your mom and dad are dinosaurs. Come downstairs with me. MK, you and Savannah come down, too," he motioned to the other two girls.

When they went into the kitchen, Mike got four cokes out of the refrigerator and placed one in front of the three girls before popping one opened himself, even though he knew he'd regret it. Not only because it would taste like metal like everything he ate or drank did these days, but also because the carbonation would give him unbelievable indigestion.

"Your mom sees young girls come into the hospital every day to have babies. She doesn't want you guys to end up like one of those girls. So if we seem to be the strictest people on the face of this earth, it's only because we love you and we want you to grow up right," he began, watching their faces.

"But you've known Thomas all of his life," Michelle whined.

"Michelle, we love Thomas, but rules are made for a purpose and our rule has always been that you girls won't date until you're 16," he tried to explain.

"I don't understand how come we can go out when it's all of us, but not just the two of us. All we want to do is go see a movie by ourselves without brothers and sisters tagging along! Is that so awful?" Michelle begged, hoping Mike would relent.

"Because at least when you're with all of us we know you're not going to be making out...not without getting a blow-by-blow report from one of us," Mary Kate told her sister smugly.

"That isn't the whole reason, MK," Mike corrected gently. "We know Thomas is a responsible young man but our concern is for you three girls. And I know that your mother and I have a lot of rules that you guys think are stupid and old-fashioned, but believe me, you'll thank us when you're grown with children of your own." Mike took a small sip of his soda and smiled. "Michelle, it's only a year. You might meet another boy that you like in the next year and you'll be glad we made you wait."
 
 

Jill drove around aimlessly, trying to think. She thought about driving out to the lake house but she didn't want to burden Trap and Eddie with her misery when they had things of their own to worry about. She finally pulled her mini-van into a small diner and went inside. She sat down at a booth and ordered a cup of coffee from the waitress. She sat there, flipping the cards on the mini-jukebox that was sitting on the table before fishing some coins from her wallet and dropping them into the coin slot.

'The first time ever I saw your face,

I thought the sun rose in your eyes

And the moon and the stars were

The gifts you gave

To the dark and the endless skies, my love

To the dark and the endless skies

And the first time ever I kissed your mouth,

I felt the earth move in my hand

Like the trembling heart of a captive bird

That was there at my command, my love

That was there at my command, my love

And the first time ever I lay with you,

I felt your heart so close to mine

And I knew our joy would fill the earth

And last till the end of time, my love

And it would last till the end of time, my love

The first time ever I saw your face

Your face, your face'
 
 

Mike was sitting up in the living room later that evening waiting for Jill to come home. The girls had taken their baths and gone to bed a short time before. He rubbed his stomach for the hundredth time, regretting having drunk that coke with the girls. He knew he'd be up for several more hours with severe indigestion. He glanced over when he heard Jill's key in the door shortly after eleven.

"You should be resting," she observed quietly, hanging her keys in the kitchen doorway.

"I can't. I drank a coke with the girls earlier and now I'm paying the price," he grimaced.

"Did you take something?" She asked in concern.

"Yeah, I took a Zantac but it hasn't kicked in, yet. Where've you been? I've been worried," he told her.

"I went driving around, thinking. Mike, I'm sorry. I never meant to hit her like that but she said some really hateful things and I just lost it," she choked out, her voice thick with tears.

"Babe, she's a teenager. I think it's her job to say hateful things when she's forbidden to do something," he smiled as he stood up and enfolded her in his arms.

Jill stood there, just enjoying the feeling of being held by him. It was a feeling she'd been sorely missing ever since this whole ordeal had started. They'd only made love twice since everything had started and that was early in his treatment before everything started getting crazy. It wasn't the physical intimacy Jill had missed as much as the feeling of just being held. "Let's go to bed and I'll see if I can help you get rid of your indigestion," she suggested seductively.

Once they got upstairs, they lay side by side on their bed, while Jill began to rub gentle circles on Mike’s abdomen. He closed his eyes and willed himself to relax. Maybe Dr. Olivarez was right. Maybe the impotence was all in his head. He’d read several articles that discussed lack of sexual desire as a side effect of chemotherapy, but everything he’d read had suggested that it was a temporary side effect. He softly groaned as Jill began planting soft kisses on his chest and stomach, carefully avoiding the catheter in his chest. It was only when Jill’s teasing fingers reached into the waistband of his pajama bottoms that he froze.

"No, Jill," he begged, grabbing her hand and pulling it back.

"Mike, it’s okay," she assured him.

"I can’t do this! As much as I’d love to, I can’t!" He despaired, getting off of the bed and pacing the room.

"Mike, it’s okay," Jill whispered, reaching her hand out to him as he visibly flinched away.

"No, it’s not okay!" He insisted through tightly clenched teeth. "You don’t understand what it’s like to love you and desire you and not be able to do a damn thing about it!"

"You’re so wrong about that. I know exactly what it’s like, because I see you struggling with it every single day. You told me once that there’s so much more to lovemaking than the actual act. We can lie here and hold each other and still touch. If something happens, that’s wonderful. If things don’t progress further, that’s okay, too," she got up off of the bed and took his hands in hers. "Please lie down beside me and just hold me. Please?"
 
 

The next afternoon, Mike was sitting in his recliner in the empty house looking once again at the file on the murder investigation. The girls and Jill had gone to Ryker's to help decorate his house for the holidays. He sighed, remembering the night before. Mike had gone upstairs with Jill with every intention of making love to her, but as had often happened over the last couple of months, his plans failed to materialize. Jill had tried to reassure him that it didn't matter but it did to him. It mattered a great deal. He felt like it was a crushing blow to his masculinity.

He swept the thoughts of the night before from his mind to get back to the matter at hand. He went into the kitchen and grabbed the chalkboard off of the wall by the phone. He scrawled on it the names of the main characters in a clockwise pattern, starting with the dead Lacey girl. He then arrowed the names together, but then threw the chalk down in frustration when he realized he still couldn't figure out what the connection was. He picked up the phone and called Terry's house. When there was no answer he tried Willie.

"Hello?" Willie answered the phone.

"Hey, it's me. Swing by and pick me up and let's go out to Ryker's. We need to find out what he can tell us about Montgomery. I have a feeling that he's our missing link," Mike surmised.

"Okay, give me about five minutes and I'll be over," Willie replied, hanging up the phone.
 
 

At Ryker's lake house, the girls were helping Trap put lights and tinsel on the 8-foot tree standing in a corner of the living room.

"Where's Jill?" Lt. Ryker asked curiously, coming into the house with another box of lights and scanning the room.

"I don't know," Trap answered, taking the box from Ryker and surveying its contents.

"She's kind of down today," Mary Kate told her godfather.

"Is your dad okay?" Ryker asked in concern.

"Yeah, they had to postpone his treatment yesterday, then Michelle made them start fighting last night," Mary Kate accused, glaring at her sister.

"Shut up!" Michelle hissed at her.

"Both of you stop!" Ryker ordered. He walked toward the back of the house to the room Mike and Jill shared when they stayed at the house. He lightly knocked on the door before slowly opening it. Jill was lying on her side on one side of the brass, four-poster bed.

"Can I come in?" Lt. Ryker asked tentatively.

"Eddie, hi," Jill whispered, quickly sitting up and forcing a smile.

"Mary Kate mentioned that you were kind of down today. Do you want to talk about it?" He offered kindly, sitting beside her on the bed.

"I wouldn't know where to start. I told Mike when he told me about the cancer that I'd be the strong one for a change. I really thought I could do this, but Eddie, this is so much harder than I thought!" Her eyes filled with tears and she turned away from him.

"I know," he consoled her, drawing her close to him.

"He's so depressed and I don't know how to get through to him," she continued in a shaky voice. "Last night, we had an argument and I had to get out for a while. When I came home he was waiting up for me. We went to bed and..." Jill broke off, not wanting to tell her old friend every intimate detail of her life but she didn't know what else to do. "He's upset because he can't do anything. I tell him it doesn't matter but he just gets more depressed and more frustrated. I just don't know what to do any more!"

"Maybe what the two of you need is some quiet time together with no kids and no worries. I'll tell you what. I can switch residences with you for the weekend. I'll take the girls back into town with me and you spend the weekend out here with your husband. Even if you're not able to reconnect, the quiet time will do you both good," he told her.

"That sounds nice," she finally smiled as she heard voices in the other room. She got to her feet and walked out with Ryker, surprised to find Willie and Mike in the living room.

"What's going on?" Ryker asked, surprised.

"We're here because we need your help," Mike told his old boss. "We left a message for Terry. Serena said she'll send him out here as soon as he gets home."

"Let's go into the other room and you can show me what you've got," Ryker told the two men as he motioned Trap to follow him.

The girls looked at their mother's tear-stained face as Eddie and the men left the room. Savannah approached Jill shyly and looked up at her. "Is daddy worse?" Savannah asked in a frightened voice.

"No, sweetie. Your daddy's doing just fine," Jill answered.

"Then why were you crying?" Savannah wanted to know.

"It's okay, sweetie," Jill reassured her with a shaky smile. "Why don't you finish helping your sisters with the tree and then we'll see about fixing something to eat for everybody."

Terry showed up half an hour later. Mary Kate let him into the house and directed him to the back room where the men had all gathered.

"Hi, sorry I'm late," Terry apologized, walking in and closing the door behind him. "What's going on?"

"The lieutenant was just giving us the connection between George Montgomery and our case. George's father worked for the mayor when we were attending the academy. His name's Neil Montgomery," Mike explained.

"Yeah, I remember him now," Terry reflected. "So, what does this have to do the three dead girls and the other attacks?"

"Okay, listen carefully and I'll fill you in on what I remember. There was a man named Toby Loomis who worked in records. He found out that Jared Whitman's wife had been arrested in Sweden in 1969 for possession of narcotics. He blackmailed Whitman into tipping off the owners of The Open House when we were planning a raid. In exchange he would keep his mouth shut about the fact that Whitman's wife was an unlawfully registered alien," Ryker explained to the four men.

"How did you find out about all this?" Willie inquired curiously.

"Mrs. Whitman told Neil Montgomery after Jared was killed. Loomis was questioned, admitted everything and was subsequently fired from his job. Neil Montgomery made some kind of a deal with the State Department to straighten out everything so that Mrs. Whitman could remain in the country," Ryker concluded.

"Okay, I understand what Montgomery's role would be in all this and Kevin Lassitur was Jared's partner but Birgitta Whitman remarried. Corey Lacey was born years after Jared's death. I still don't see the connection," Willie mused as the other guys nodded.

"Think, Gillis. Corey Lacey isn't the connection any more than the other two dead girls are the connection. The connection is the parents, not the children," Ryker pointed out. "Did you say that Montgomery lives in Marina Del Ray?"

"Yes, sir. He has a house boat," Mike told him.

"Okay, it's late today, but I'll have Trap try to call him tomorrow and we'll set up a meeting. We'll see if he can shed any more light on things. We'll also run a check and see if Whitman, Loomis or anybody else remotely connected have any relatives that might be seeking some sort of twisted revenge," Ryker informed them.

"Are we going to be able to afford your services, sir?" Terry quipped.

"You've never been able to before, Webster," Ryker shot back as the guys grinned. "Danko, I need to see you alone for a few minutes."

"I guess we'll go raid the refrigerator," Willie suggested as Ryker waved them out of the door dismissively.

"Is something wrong, sir?" Mike asked, sitting down across from the lieutenant.

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me? I was talking to Jill a little while ago. She's pretty upset," Ryker told him. "I suggested that I take the girls back to town and let you and her stay out here for the weekend."

"That sounds wonderful, but I have a treatment tomorrow and it'll shoot the whole weekend all to hell," Mike commiserated.

"Well, then I guess that leaves you tonight to try to reconnect. Let's see, it's almost five o'clock now, so that leaves you about seven hours. I'll go get the girls and tell Webster and Gillis that it's time to leave. You talk to your wife," Ryker told him sternly.

Mike sighed before getting up to go into the other room. Looking out the window, he could see Jill standing on the dock looking out over the lake. He grabbed his knit ski cap and his sweater before going out to her. Ever since his treatments had started he'd been having trouble keeping warm and losing his hair hadn't helped. The girls had gotten him a knit L.A. Lakers cap and it helped, although he thought it looked stupid most of the time.
 
 

Jill was standing on the dock thinking. She'd gone in twice now to a clinic at the hospital, desperately trying to get pregnant. So far nothing had happened and she was beginning to despair that anything would. The doctor had told her that they had one more shot at trying to conceive. She was due to go back to the clinic in mid-January. She prayed with all of her heart that this last time would be the answer to her prayers. She knew that Mike was still dubious about having another baby, but she knew he'd do anything to make her happy. The only two things that she wanted in this world was for him to grow old with her and to have his son. The doctor had explained to her that with her age and only one fallopian tube, her chances were probably less than fifty per cent.

She smiled when she felt a familiar pair of arms encircle her from behind and press her close to him.

"Eddie said you were upset. Do you want to talk about it?" He whispered, his breath tickling her ear.

"It's cool out here. You should be inside," she hedged, changing the subject as she turned to face him.

"I'm okay. I have my thick sweater and my official Lakers cap. Ryker's going to get rid of the guys and take the girls into town with him. He ordered me to talk to my wife, so here I am," he grinned, tightening his arms around her. "For the record, I'm so sorry about last night."

"That isn't why I'm upset, Mike. I mean, I miss that part of our lives, but I miss this more," she snuggled closer to him.

"You miss what? I'm confused," he admitted.

"This...just standing here and holding each other. Sometimes this has been the only time I've ever felt completely safe is having you hold me and look at me with those crazy eyes of yours," she smiled as she remembered Willie's description of Mike's eyes from a long time before.

"You know, even though I'm not in tip-top shape, I think I'm still capable of being the strong one in this marriage. Something tells me you're starting to feel like Sisyphus pushing that rock up the hill," he told her.

"I've just been worried because you've been so depressed and I didn't know what to say or do to make you feel better," she told him as tears slid down her face.

"I'm sorry, baby. I don't mean to drag you down with me. I just keep thinking that everything looks so cheerful and at this point, I'm not even sure I'm going to be here next Christmas. I look at the girls and I see them growing up so fast and I want to be there for that. Then I have another treatment and I feel so lousy and I start asking myself why I'm torturing myself. I even read an article saying something about marijuana supposedly helping the nausea caused by chemo and I started thinking, could I get some pot from the property room without getting busted and then wondering if it really works. I mean, my mind's constantly going in a million different directions."

"I'm sorry, Danko, but I can't get the mental image of you smoking pot," Jill commented, trying hard to keep a straight face. "I know it's been rough but Dr. Olivarez says you're responding well to treatment. Please try to bear with it...for me and for the girls. I love you so much, Mike. I'm not ready to give up on you, yet."

"Let's go back to the house," he whispered as he drew her to his chest and wondered for the millionth time how he'd been lucky enough to find her.

Jill fixed them something to eat after everybody had left. Mike started a fire in the fireplace and they settled down on the floor, leaning against the sofa as they ate.

"I have a confession to make," Mike confided, taking a long swallow of his water.

"What's that?" Jill asked.

"I went to the drugstore with the girls the other day and bought something I haven't bought in about thirty years," he disclosed as he began to turn beet red.

"Condoms?" Jill guessed.

Mike nodded. "This is so crazy! I mean, you're going to a clinic trying to get pregnant with sperm I had frozen months ago because I can't take a chance on giving you a baby the old-fashioned way," he complained.

"You know, maybe you're trying too hard. Maybe we both are," she consoled him.

"You really think I’m trying too hard?" Mike questioned dubiously.

"
 
 
 
 

"Why don't you go take a shower while I clean up, then I'll take my shower," she suggested. "Then we’ll see what we can do about our situation. We’ll take things very slowly."

"Slow can be good, but I’ve got a better idea. Why don't I help you clean up, then you can join me in the shower," he grinned.

"One of those 'I do your back, you do my back' kind of things? I like the way you think," Jill smiled back, standing up and helping Mike to his feet.

They cleaned up the few dirty dishes before heading for the bathroom. Jill helped Mike put some plastic over the catheter to keep it from getting wet before they got into the shower together. Mike had missed the pure joy and intimacy of the two of them sharing a shower. It was especially nice knowing that there wouldn't be any interruptions from their real life. They stood close together under the warm spray of water letting their hands do a leisurely exploration of each other. Mike finally reached behind him and turned the water off when it began to get cooler. Stepping out of the shower first, he held a large fluffy bath towel out for Jill as she gratefully stepped into it. After drying each other off thoroughly, they slipped into their robes and went into the bedroom. Mike flopped onto the bed, smiling at the sound of the squeaking springs.

"Remember when Mary Kate was little and she asked us how come we were making so much noise in the middle of the night?" He remembered.

"Yeah, I liked those days a lot better," Jill laughed in remembrance. "Now they know exactly why we're making so much noise in the middle of the night," Jill told him as she walked over to the bed and lay down beside him as he made the springs squeak once again.

He propped himself up on one elbow to look down at her before leaning down to gently kiss her before untying her robe and opening it to his gently exploring fingers. He continued softly kissing her as he let his hands travel down her body. She moaned softly into his mouth as he slowly set her senses on fire. She slipped her hands inside his robe and ran her hands over his bare back.

"I think this would be easier if you got rid of the robe," she whispered.

"Your wish is my command," he complied agreeably as he smiled down at her, untying his robe and shrugging it off onto the floor. He then pulled her close as he once again began kissing and caressing her body.

Jill arched her back toward him as he moved down to tease her breasts with his lips and tongue before moving further down her body. She let out an agonized groan of intense pleasure when he gently kissed the insides of her thighs before caressing her warm wetness with his fingers. "Mike!" She cried, frantically tugging on his shoulders. "I need to touch you!"

He smiled as he moved back up her body, kissing her as she reached down to wrap her fingers around his engorged member, smiling at his groans of pleasure as he gently reached down to disengage her questing fingers. "Jill, stop," he hoarsely groaned.

"Why? I always thought turnabout was fair play," she grinned, but stopped when she saw the serious look on his face.

"No, this isn't going to happen! Not tonight!" He pulled away from her and got up off of the bed.

"Mike, what's going on? I mean, it seemed like your mind and body were in perfect synch. I mean, we've been married for almost twenty years and I'm a nurse. I do know the signs of sexual arousal. If it's using birth control that has you shook up, don't be. If we're moving too fast, that's okay, too. We'll just slow down. Besides, I've always liked slow better, anyway," she explained as she got off the bed and walked over to him, embracing him from behind.

"I don't know what's going on, Jill. I mean, everything's working like it should and then it's like my mind takes over and it says 'don't do this.' I want to make love to you more than anything in this world. I don't think there's been a time in 22 years together that we've gone for more than a couple of weeks without making love," he despaired as he began to pace the room in frustration.

"Well, you were in Vietnam for 13 and a half months. Nothing happened then," she reminded him.

"I'm not talking about Vietnam. I'm talking about since the two of us have been together. Even when you were expecting Mary Kate and the doctor told us to stop, we still found ways around that," he complained.

"Mike, first of all, relax. Second, come lie down on the bed. Please?" She pleaded with him as he finally relented and lay down on the bed. "Now, don't think about anything. Close your eyes and just concentrate on feeling."

"Jill..." he interrupted.

"Hush," she whispered as she placed a finger to his lips. "Now, in this little exercise there's no talking and no thinking. I just want you to feel. Close your eyes," she told him once again as he sighed and did her bidding.

Moving down to his feet, she took first one foot and then the other into her hands and slowly began to massage them before moving to his calves and thighs, slowly massaging the worry and the tension out of his body. She then moved to his upper body, all the while smiling as she saw the signs of arousal returning. She massaged his arms before taking his hands and kissing his fingers.

"Jill, this is so amazing," he moaned.

"Shh!" She smiled, bending down to capture his mouth with her own. Still keeping his eyes closed, he reached up to caress her nipples with his thumbs.

"You want to unwrap the condom or should I?" He moaned into her open mouth as she reached down to caress him once again.

"I'll do it. I want you to lie there and not think," she reminded him, reaching for the condom on the night stand and tearing the wrapper.

"It's hard to think when you're touching me like that," he breathed as she unrolled the condom down the length of his penis. "Can I please open my eyes now?"

"Yeah, you'd better, because I want you and making love to you is so much better when we both have our eyes opened," Jill told him as he pulled her close to him and rolled over on top of her. She reached down to guide him into her as they slowly began to move together.

For the next several minutes the only sounds that could be heard were the squeak of the bedsprings and their cries of passion. It had been so long since they'd last made love that it didn't take either of them long to reach a climax. Mike carefully withdrew and rolled over onto his back, trying to catch his breath.

Jill looked over at him, worried that maybe they shouldn't have done this. "Are you okay?" She asked worriedly.

"Are you kidding?" He exclaimed in amazement, smiling from ear to ear. "This is all I've been wanting to do for months now. I feel like I've just ran a marathon, but I feel great!" He leaned over and gently kissed her. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Remind me to thank your former boss," she smiled, cuddling up to him as he slipped an arm around her.

"Oh, I'm sure you'll think of some way to thank him," he yawned, closing his eyes as exhaustion and pure happiness took over his body.
 

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