______________________________________________________________________________

Part I written by: Greg Malins

Part II written by: Marta Kauffman and David Crane

Transcribed by: Jean Liew

________________________________________________________________________

[Scene: Central Perk. They’re all there.]

Monica: Did you realize that this is probably the last time that we’re all gonna be here in the coffeehouse as six single people?

Phoebe: (alarmed) Why? What’s happening to the coffeehouse? (realizes) Oh! Um.

Chandler: Yeah. From now on, it’s just going to be the four of you guys and me and the missus. Little woman. Wife. The old ball and chain.

Monica: Uh, old?

Chandler: Young, hot ball and chain.

Monica: Huh! That’s better.

Rachel: (looks at her watch) Uh, we gotta go!

Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?

Monica: We’re going to pick up my wedding dress and then we’re going to have lunch with Mom. (Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and Joey get up to leave)

Ross: Joey, you’re, you’re having lunch with my mom?

Joey: No, I’m just having lunch. Yeah, I can go!

Ross: Sure! (they all leave) Y’know what, actually, uh, I‘m kinda glad they’re leaving cause I, uh, need to talk to you about something. (sits down on the couch next to Chandler)

Chandler: What’s up?

Ross: Well, this, uh, this may be a little awkward.

Chandler: Well, if you wanna borrow money, this is a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.

Ross: Uh, it’s, uh, not that. What I’m going to say to you, I’m not going to say as your friend, ok? I’m saying it as Monica’s older brother.

Chandler: But you’re still my friend.

Ross: Not for the next few minutes.

Chandler: During this time, are you, are you still my best man?

Ross: Nope.

Chandler: May I still call you Ross?

Ross: Ok, you guys are getting married tomorrow. And, and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you. But as Monica’s older brother, I, I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass. (Chandler tries to keep a straight face but cracks up) What? I’m, I’m, I’m serious! (Chandler starts laughing again) Ok, dude, stop it, ok? I’m, I’m not kidding here!

Chandler: Hey, I hear what you’re saying, ok? Thank you for the warning.

Ross: No problem.

Chandler: So, are we friends again?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Ok, you won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. The girls are at the kitchen table. Monica is writing something.]

Rachel: Whatcha doing, Mon?

Monica: I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong with the wedding. And that way, I can be prepared.

Rachel: Umm-hmm.

Phoebe: What are they?

Monica: Well, so far, I have, uh, my bridesmaid dresses don’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, and I don’t have my something blue.

Rachel: Those are all the things that I’m responsible for!

Monica: I had to go with the odds, Rach.

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey, you guys, remember that audition I had awhile ago and I didn’t get the part?

Rachel: The commercial?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: That play?

Joey: No.

Monica: That other play?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: The movie?

Joey: Yes!!

Rachel: Oh!

Joey: This is the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I.

Phoebe: Oh yeah! Back then, you know, we called it the Great War. (nods as she reminisces) It really was.

Joey: Anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!

Phoebe: Congratulations!

Rachel: That’s great!

Monica: Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, you can’t start shooting today, tonight’s the rehearsal dinner!

Joey: Oh, no, I’ll be done by then.

Monica: Oh! Then way to go, you big movie star!

Joey: I know! While you guys are over here, I’m off to fight the Nazis! (starts to head out)

Rachel: Oh, wait, we fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.

Joey: Whoa, ok! Well, who, who was in World War I?

Rachel: Hmm... (doesn’t know the answer. Looks at Phoebe)

Phoebe: Go ahead!

Rachel: You’re gonna be late, go, go!!

Joey: (jumping up) Yeah, see ya!! (leaves)

Monica: Who did we fight in World War I? [The Central Powers - Germany, Austria-Hungary and Turkey]

Rachel: Mexico?

Phoebe: (nods) Yes. Very good!

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, where they’re shooting Joey’s movie. He is in a World War I soldier costume. He hides some Oreos in one of his pockets.]

Assistant Director: Hey, Joey, we’re ready!

Joey: (patting his pocket) Yeah, me too!

Assistant Director: Richard, we’re ready for you. (An actor also in a soldier costume, gets up from his chair) Joey Tribbiani, this is Richard Crosby. He’s playing Vincent.

Joey: (surprised) I’m doing my scenes with you?

Richard: Umm-hmm. Nice to meet you, Joey.

Joey: I can’t believe this! This is incredible! I mean, you just won an Oscar!

Richard: No, I didn’t.

Joey: I think you did! (laughs)

Richard: I think I lost. Three times.

Joey: Uh, cookie? (offers him one) Would you? (he refuses it)

Aaron, the Director: Ok, we’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit, so if you guys don’t mind, could we run it a couple of times?

Richard: Yeah, sure!

Joey: Yeah.

Aaron: Alright, alright, let’s do it! (walks offstage) And, action!

Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon.

Richard: (spits as he talks) Forget about the Platoon! the Platoon is dead! (Joey wipes the spit from his face)

Joey: What?

Richard: The Platoon is dead! Face Facts, Tony! (Joey wipes the spit off his face)

Joey: So what are you going to do? We have no reinforcements, no, no food!

Richard: Oh, we have Food in the Basement. I saw some Potatoes and dry Pasta. (Joey wipes the spit off his face)

Aaron: Hang on a minute. (walks onstage) Joey, you keep touching your face. Something wrong?

Joey: (looks at Richard) No, no. I, uh, I thought, I thought it would be kind of a cool character thing. He’s a, he’s a face toucher. (touches his face)

Aaron: (thinks about it) I don’t think so! Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line! (walks offstage) Action!

Richard: We may not have weaPons, but we still have Food in the Basement. I saw some Potatoes and some dry Pasta and a few Tins of Tuna. (Joey wipes the spit off his face)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Monica is in the kitchen, getting ready for the rehearsal dinner.]

Monica: Honey, we gotta go!

(Chandler comes out of their room.)

Chandler: Ok. Here’s a question I never want to have to ask. My dad just called to ask if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.

Monica: I don’t have anything like that, but let me see if Rachel has one. (goes to the door)

Chandler: Yes, include more people in this!

Monica: Hey, did you realize that at this time tomorrow, we’re going to get getting married?

Chandler: Hm, and I have a date tomorrow night!

Monica: I just, I can’t believe that we made it!

Chandler: Oh, you don’t have to sound so surprised.

Monica: I’m sorry but...nothing! That’s um...well...

Chandler: What?

Monica: Well, honestly, ever since we got engaged, I’ve, I’ve been waiting for something to flip you out.

Chandler: Honestly, me too.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah. Y’know, I keep thinking that something, something stupid is going to come up and I’ll go all, well, Chandler! And nothing has.

Monica: Oh, aw! I’m so glad. (hugs him) Thank you so much for staying calm during this. I mean, it’s really made me stay calm. (Chandler stares at her) I could have been worse!!

Chandler: Ok! (goes to get his jacket) I’ll be right there. (Monica leaves their phone rings. Chandler ignores it)

Monica: (on the answering machine) Hi, if you’re calling before Saturday, You’ve reached Monica and Chandler. If you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing. (Chandler smiles) Please leave a message for the BINGS!!! (It dawns on Chandler what’s happening and he starts freaking out. He tugs at his collar and tie)

[Scene: The restaurant where the rehearsal dinner is being held. Chandler and Monica are standing by the doorway. A woman walk in.]

Monica: Hey, Marie, hey! (they hug)

Marie: Hi!

Monica: Gosh! Chandler, this is my cousin, Marie. (they shake hands)

Chandler: (in a weird voice) We’re the BINGS!

(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)

Rachel: Hi! Oh, you guys look so beautiful!

Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. BING!! (walks off)

(Ross comes up to them.)

Ross: Wow, Monica. Hey, just so you know, I had my older brother talk with Chandler.

Monica: What is that?

Ross: Well, uh, I told him that if he ever hurt you, I would hunt him down and kick his ass. (the girls start laughing) What?! What is the matter with everybody? I’m serious! I would kick his ass!!

Phoebe: (laughing hysterically) Oh, no, Ross! Please, my make up!! (Ross walks away, mad)

(Cut to Chandler. His mom walks in.)

Chandler: Oh, hi.

Nora: Chandler!

Chandler: Mom! Thanks for wearing...something. (they hug)

Nora: Oh, this is so exciting! We thought we’d screwed you up so bad that this day would never come. Oh, just think, soon there’ll be lots of little babies! (Chandler tugs at his collar. Monica walks up with her parents)

Monica: Mrs. Bing? These are my parents. Judy and Jack Geller. (they shake hands)

Judy: It’s so lovely to meet you!

Jack: So, are you his mother or his father?

Judy: Jack!!

Jack: What? I’ve never seen one before.

Monica: Dad, look, there’s Ross! Why don’t you go talk to him? (Judy pushes Jack away)

Jack: I didn’t even get a chance to act as though I’m ok with it!

(Chandler puts his hand over his face. Helena walks in)

Helena: Hello all.

Chandler: Hi, Dad.

Monica: Hi, Mr. Bing.

Helena: Nora!

Nora: Charles!

Monica: It, it is great to see you both here!

Helena: Yes. Although we may be seeing a little too much of some people. (Nora glares at him/her) Aren’t you a little too old to be wearing a dress like that?

Nora: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

Chandler: Oh my God! (walks off)

(Cut to Ross talking to his parents)

Jack: Of course you can kick his ass, son!

Judy: You could kick anybody’s ass you want to!

Ross: Thanks, you guys!

Monica: (sees Rachel) Oh, Rach, Rach!

Rachel: Hmm?

Monica: Could you please do me a favor? Would you talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom?

Rachel: Yeah, but I don’t even know what he looks like!

Monica: He is the man in the black dress. (walks off. Rachel looks around and sees a woman in a black dress)

Rachel: Hi! I’m Rachel, I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s. (they shake hands)

Woman: I’m Amanda.

Rachel: Oh! I get it! “A man, duh!”

(Ross taps his glass for a toast.)

Ross: Can I have everyone’s attention, please? I’m, uh, I’m Ross Geller.

Jack: Doctor Ross Geller!

Ross: Uh, Dad, Dad, please! As I was saying, I’m Dr. Ross Geller, uh, and I’m the best man. And, uh, this marriage is doubly special for me, uh, because, not only is the groom my best friend, but the bride is my little sister (Monica is smiling) and she’s the greatest sister a guy can ask for. So, if you’d all please join me in raising a glass for the couple we’re all here to celebrate. (everyone does so) To the Bings.

All: To the Bings! (the clink their glasses together and drink. Chandler tugs at his collar again)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. It’s after the dinner. The girls are all in the kitchen.]

Monica: Hey, y’know, I’m going to go steam my wedding dress, ok? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?

Rachel: I’ll do it!

Monica: (ignoring her) Who wants it?

Rachel: I said I’ll do it!

Monica: Nobody wants to do it? Alright, I’ll do it myself.

Rachel: Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up!!

Monica: Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry. You actually were a big help tonight. And thanks for putting my grandmother in a cab and making sure she got home safely.

Rachel: Of course, that is what I’m here for!

Monica: Ok, alright. (takes the dress into the bathroom to steam)

Rachel: Oh! (in a loud whisper) What grandmother?!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. Joey is coming out of his room, wearing shades. Ross enters.]

Joey: Where have you been?

Ross: Uh, taking my parents back to the hotel. You’re going back to work?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Nice shades!

Joey: Thanks! If I wear these in my scenes, at least I won’t get spit in my eyes.

Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray-Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!

Joey: (not getting it) Great! Thank you very much! I’ll see you later.

Ross: Alright. Hey, where’s Chandler?

Joey: Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. (leaves)

Ross: Ok. (goes to Rachel’s door) Chandler? (knocks and opens it. He’s not in there. Ross goes to the bathroom door) Chandler? (he goes to the counter and picks up a yellow paper and reads it)

(Cut to Chandler and Monica’s. There is knock on the door and Rachel answers it. Ross is there with the note.)

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: (in a low voice) Hey, uh, is Monica here?

Rachel: She’s steaming her dress. Why?

Ross: (unfolds the note and hands it to Rachel) I think Chandler is gone.

Rachel: What? (reads it) “Tell Monica I’m sorry.” Oh my God!

Phoebe: What’s up? (reads the note) “Tell Monica I’m sorry.” (gives it back to Ross) Tell her yourself!!

[Scene: The hallway. Ross, Phoebe and Rachel have gone out there to talk about their predicament. Rachel closes the door behind them.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left, though?

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s “Tell Monica I’m sorry I drank the last of the milk.”

Phoebe: Or maybe he, he, he was writing to tell her that, that he’s changed his name. “Tell Monica I’m Sorry.”

Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!

Phoebe: Don’t be so negative!! My God!! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is, is sitting in there right now?

Rachel: Ok, ok, Phoebe, I, I think Ross is right. Ok, what are we going to do?

Ross: Ok, I’m just gonna go and find him and bring him back, ok? You, you just make sure that Monica does not find out, ok?

Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Ok, but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am going to hunt you down and kick your ass!!

Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him. (goes to search for Chandler. Phoebe and Rachel go back into the apartment)

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios. Joey is getting his make up done. Richard enters the set.]

Richard: Joey, can you, uh, go through these scenes with me?

Joey: Aw man, they, they just re-did my make up!

Richard: Alright. (flips through the script) Just the last two pages.

Joey: Alright. (gets up)

Richard: I found the Picture!

Joey: (holding the script up to his face) Picture? What picture?

Richard: Could you, could you lower your script? I, um, I need to see your face so I can, uh, play off your reaction. (Joey lowers the script)

Joey: Ok, uh, I know you’re a great actor, ok, and you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff, but you’re spitting all over me, man!

Richard: Well, of course I am!

Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me?

Richard: That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor. And when you annunciate, you sPit! (Joey wipes the spit off his face)

Joey: Wow! I didn’t know that! Ok, ok, check it out. (reads his lines) Picture? What picture? (spits in Richard’s face) Huh? (smiles)

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross runs up to Gunther.]

Ross: Gunther, have you, uh, seen Chandler?

Gunther: I haven’t seen him.

Ross: Oh damn!

Gunther: He’s getting married tomorrow, right?

Ross: Oh, yes, yes. Don’t worry, everything’s fine. We’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.

Gunther: I wasn’t invited.

Ross: Well, then, we’ll, we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. (starts to leave but sees his parents there) Mom? Dad? Wh-wh-what, what are you guys doing here?

Jack: Well, you guys talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what the fuss is about.

Judy: I certainly see why the girls like coming here.

Ross: Why?

Judy: The sexy blond guy behind the counter. (waves. Gunther waves back)

Ross: Gunther?!

Jack: Your mother just added him to her list.

Ross: What? Your, your list?

Judy: Oh, the list of the people we’re allowed to sleep -

Ross: Yeah, I, I, I know what the list is! Look, if you see Chandler, could you just let him know that I’m looking for him?

Jack: If you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her! (Ross leaves)

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios. They’re filming a scene. A guy does the thing with the clapper and walks offstage. Joey as Tony is looking through binoculars. Richard as Vincent comes up beside him.]

Richard: I found the Picture!

Joey: Picture? What Picture?

Richard: (grabs him and shows him the picture) A Picture of my wife in your Pack!

Joey: You went through my Personal ProPerty?

Richard: Why do you have a Picture of Paula in your Pack?

Joey: Because, Vincent, we were lovers. (gets close to Richard’s face) For Two years!

Aaron: Cut! Wonderful! (the bell rings. Both of them wipe spit from their faces with towels)

Joey: Aw, great scene!

Richard: You’re awesome! Your speech was wonderful! You soaked me!

Assistant Director: Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.

Joey: I’m not working tomorrow!

Assistant Director: You are now.

Joey: Oh no, you gotta get me out of it! I have some imPortant Plans!! (the assistant director wipes spit from his face)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. The next morning. Phoebe is sitting at the kitchen table. Rachel enters. They’re both not dressed yet.]

Rachel: (in a tired voice) Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler. (sits down)

Phoebe: Oh man!

Rachel: Oh, but they did say that they found their grandmother wandering down 5th Avenue.

Phoebe: Ok, well, there’s one down.

Rachel: Yeah.

(Monica runs out of her room.)

Monica: (very excited) I’M GETTING MARRIED TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!! (trips and falls)

Phoebe: Oh! Oh!

Rachel: Oh! Monica!

Monica: (quickly gets up) I think I just cracked a rib but I don’t care!! It’s my big wedding day!! My day is finally here!!! (runs back in her room and closes the door)

Phoebe: You know, she might not even notice he’s gone.

(Monica comes out of her room.)

Monica: I’m going to start getting ready!! (goes back in)

Rachel: (freaking out) Oh, we can’t let her start getting ready! This is just too awful! Oh, God!! What if she gets in the gown and he doesn’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown! Oh!

Phoebe: Just stop it! Stop it, Rach! You can’t do this here. (pulls her into the bathroom and closes the door)

Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just, it’s just so sad! (starts crying)

Phoebe: You have got to pull yourself together, Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong.

Rachel: I know. I know. I’ve got it. (looks around) There’s no tissue. Can you hand me some toilet paper?

Phoebe: Yeah. (sees that there isn’t any) Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom, right?

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: (sits down on the closed toilet and starts digging through the trash) No, no, I’ve found one.

Rachel: Oh, ok. (Phoebe hands her a used tissue) Oh, thank you! Oh, God! (blows her nose and wipes her eyes) Oh. Can I have another one?

Phoebe: Sure. (pulls out used floss) Do you need some floss?

Rachel: Oh, I just cannot imagine what is going to happen if Chandler doesn’t show up.

Phoebe: Oh, here’s a whole bunch.

Rachel: I mean, she’s going to be at the wedding, waiting for him and people will be whispering “Oh, that poor girl!” And then she’ll have to come back here, y’know, and live all alone! (messes with the wedding dress that’s hanging from the shower curtain rack)

Phoebe: (holding something) Oh my God!

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: (shows it to her) There was a pregnancy test in the garbage! It’s positive. (Rachel is shocked) Monica’s pregnant! (pause) So I guess she won’t be totally alone.

[Scene: Monica’s bathroom, continued from before.]

Phoebe: I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?

Rachel: Oh my God! (she sits on the side of the bathtub and Phoebe sits back down on the closed toilet)

Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?

Rachel: She had to have just taken that test cause I just took out the trash last night!

Phoebe: This is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant, the groom is missing and I’m still holding this! (drops the test back into the trash)

Rachel: Oh...Ok, Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone about this.

Phoebe: Right, ok.

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Ok. (they get up) Hey, wait, do you know what kind of birth control she was using?

Rachel: No, why?

Phoebe: Just for the future, cause this is hardly a commercial for it. (they get out of the bathroom)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s. It’s later that morning. Ross is sitting there, frustrated and tired. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Anything?

Ross: No. I talked to Joey on the set. He hasn’t heard from him. I, I, I talked to Chandler’s parents again.

Phoebe: You told them he was missing?

Ross: No, I, i made it seem like I was just calling to chat. I’m pretty sure they both think I’m interested in them.

Rachel: Ok, I’m going to tell her he’s gone.

Ross: Hey, hey, you can’t!!

Rachel: Ross, she’s gonna get ready soon.

Ross: Can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll, I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night.

Rachel: Alright, how much time do you need?

Ross: Well, how much time before she absolutely needs to start getting ready?

Rachel: One hour.

Ross: Give me two.

Rachel: Then why do you ask?!!!

(They go out into the hall.)

Ross: Ok, wish me luck.

Phoebe: Ok, I’m going with you.

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night and clearly, you suck at this.

Rachel: Alright, I’m going to see you guys later.

Ross: Ok.

Phoebe: Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?

Rachel: I’ll, I’ll figure something out.

Phoebe: Alright.

Ross: Ok. (Rachel goes into the apartment and Ross and Phoebe go looking for Chandler)

(Cut to inside Chandler and Monica’s. Rachel enters as Monica runs into the kitchen.)

Monica: Hey! Ok, I thought we would start with my make up and then do my hair. (puts the make up on the table)

Rachel: Uh, before you do that, I, I need you to talk to me.

Monica: About what?

Rachel: Umm...(starts fake crying) How I’m never gonna get married!!

Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy’s just around the corner! (impatient) Ok, are we done with that?

Rachel: No, Monica, I’m serious! Uh, maybe I should just forget about it! Become a Lesbian or something.

Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.

Rachel: (rolls her eyes) Maybe it’d be better if I slept with Joey.

Monica: (alarmed) (gets up) Rachel! Are you ok?

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios. Joey is just getting to work. The director is discussing something with the crew.]

Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? Um, hi. (the crew leaves) I have a little problem with my schedule. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today and I have this wedding that I really have to get to. It’s my best friends’, and I’m officiating, so I really can’t work past four.

Aaron: I’m sorry, Joey, ok, you’ve got to stay ‘til the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding.

Joey: I’m having surgery!!

Aaron: What?!

Joey: Yeah, I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. I’m having surgery today.

Aaron: (not believing him) What kind of surgery?

Joey: Transplant.

Aaron: But you’re supposed to work on Monday.

Joey: Hair transplant.

Aaron: (really losing his patience) But you’re not bald.

Joey: It’s not on my head.

Aaron: Look, Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably going to be out by four anyway. You’ve just got one short scene, it’s just you and Richard, and God knows, he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. (Richard comes out holding a cup) Morning, Richard! (walks off)

Joey: Hey! You’re here! Great, great, great! Let’s get going, buddy! We got a scene to shoot!

Richard: (in a drunken voice) I’m wearing two belts. (takes a drink)

Joey: Are you drunk?

Richard: No!

Joey: Yes you are!

Richard: No, alright! (takes another drink)

[Scene: a street. Ross and Phoebe are coming out of a pizza place.]

Ross: We’re never gonna find him. He’s one guy in a huge city.

Phoebe: (pointing to a random person) Oh my God! Is that him?

Ross: That is an old Chinese woman.

Phoebe: He could be in disguise, you know.

Ross: Y’know, maybe we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you were Chandler and, and you wanna hide, where is the last place on earth people would think you’d go? (Phoebe thinks about it)

(Cut to Chandler’s office. He is sitting at his desk. Phoebe and Ross are standing in the doorway.)

Ross: So this is your office!

Chandler: How’d you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid in the gym!

Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?

Chandler: Panicking (points to his laptop) and using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she?

Ross: She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone and she doesn’t have to know. Now come on. We’re going home.

Chandler: No, no, I can’t do that!

Phoebe: Why not?

Chandler: Because, if I go home, we’re going to be the BINGS. I can’t be the BINGS.

Ross: What’s wrong with being the Bings?

Chandler: The BINGS have horrible marriages. They yell, they fight and they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!!

Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?

Chandler: No.

Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!

Chandler: It’s not just their marriage. I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody‘s! The only person who can make marriage work is Paul Newman. And I’ve met me, and I am no Paul Newman. I don’t race cars, I don’t make popcorn, none of my proceeds go to charity!

Phoebe: But look, Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you then I do. But I totally believe you can do this.

Chandler: I want to, I love her so much. But I’m just afraid. This is too huge.

Ross: Ok, y’know what, it is huge, but why don’t we take t just a little bit at a time? Um, forget getting married for a second. Just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?

Chandler: Um, yeah, but, then -

Ross: But, b-b-b-b-but but, but! We’re just going to go home to take a shower. That’s not scary, right?

Chandler: Depends on what you mean by “we”.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s. Rachel is still trying to stall Monica. Monica is getting really annoyed and impatient with her.]

Rachel: (in a depressed tone) The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes. And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again.

Monica: Ok! The nights are hard, I get it!! Ok? Rachel, I’m sorry, I have to get ready, I’m getting married today! (packs up the stuff)

Rachel: I know. At dusk. It’s such a hard time for me.

Monica: I’m going to go put my make up on. We have to be at the hotel in an hour. (walks to the bathroom)

Rachel: Ok, but wait!

Monica: What?

Rachel: Let’s go to lunch!

Monica: I can’t go to lunch!

Rachel: Right. (Monica goes in the bathroom) (desperate) Oh my God, I’ve fallen down! (pretends to fall)

(Monica comes out of the bathroom.)

Monica: What’s going on?

Rachel: (gets up) Ok. Alright. Honey, listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember, we are all here for you and we all love you.

Monica: You’re really freaking me out.

Rachel: We can’t find Chandler (Phoebe comes in and gives her a thumbs up)...’s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest.

Monica: (freaking out) Oh God, oh, how can that be?

Phoebe: I found the vest!

Rachel: Oh!

Phoebe: We’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know, and make sure we don’t lose it again.

Rachel: Oh.

Monica: (laughing) Oh! Wow! Oh, don’t scare me like that, ok? Fro a minute there, I was like, oh my God, the worse has happened! Ok! (goes to put on her make up. Rachel and Phoebe exchange worried looks)

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios. Joey and Richard are filming a swordfight scene.]

Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole than see her with you.

Richard: That can be arranged. (points his sword at Joey, who screams in pain)

Aaron: Let’s reset.

Joey: What? He got me! He - owww!!!!

Aaron: Let’s take it from there.

Richard: (still drunk) Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slow.

Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour and I’m the minister. Please, please, can you try to pull it together?

Richard: Of course. I, I’m sorry. I’d hate to miss anything like that in account of me.

Joey: Thank you! Thank you!

Aaron: Still rolling. And action!

Joey: I’d rather die in this hellhole than see her back with you!

Richard: That can be arranged. (accidentally throws his sword over a wall) Slippery little bugger!

[Scene: The hotel suite living room. Phoebe is sitting beside Chandler’s parents, who are glaring at each other.]

Phoebe: So, so you two were married, huh? But now you’ve drifted apart.

(Judy and Rachel come out of the bedroom.)

Judy: Ok, here comes the bride! (Monica comes out in her wedding dress, without the veil)

Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God, Monica!

Monica: I wanna wear this everyday!

Rachel: You look so beautiful!

Monica: I’m so happy for me! (the phone rings and Rachel answers it)

Rachel: Hello?

(Joey is on the other end. He’s still at the studio. The scene switches back and forth between them as they talk.)

Joey: Hey. Did Chandler show up yet?

Rachel: Yeah. We’ve got him back. Everything’s fine.

Joey: Dammit!

Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?

Joey: I’m still on the set.

Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!

Joey: I know, I’m sorry. The guy’s drunk. They won’t let me go until we get this.

Rachel: Oh, my God! I gotta go get another minister!

Joey: No! No! (whining) I’m the minister!! Alright, look, look, put them both on the phone and I’ll marry them right now.

Rachel: Oh! Joey, I have to go.

Joey: No! Don’t you hang up on me! I’ll marry you and me right now, I have the power! (Rachel slams the phone down)

[Scene: Chandler’s hotel room (#1222). Ross is helping him put his tux on.]

Ross: There you go! You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it?

Chandler: No.

Ross: I’m telling you just a little bit at a time.

Chandler: Oh, ok. What’s the nice little bit?

Ross: Getting married. (Chandler freaks out) Ok! Ok. You can, you can do that too, just like, just like you’ve done everything else!

Chandler: Yeah, you’re right! Hey, I, I can do that.

Ross: Yeah!

Chandler: Ok, excuse me for a minute. (starts to go outside)

Ross: (blocking the door) Oh, hey! Whoa! Wh-wh-where are you going?

Chandler: Ross, I am not going to run away again, I just want to get a little fresh air.

Ross: Ok.

Chandler: Ok. (goes in the hall and closes the door behind him. Then he lights and smokes a cigarette) Oh! Fresh air!!

Phoebe: (off screen) Oh, hey, hey, they do that you know! (Chandler tries to hide the fact he’s smoking again. He goes into a room with a sign that says “ice”)

Rachel: (off screen) We’ve got to do something! (Phoebe and Rachel walk by) Well, y’know, there’s no way that Joey’s gonna make it in time so I’m going to go through the hotel to see if there’s any other weddings going on.

Phoebe: Ok. Oh, but don’t tell them Monica’s pregnant, cause they frown on that.

Rachel: Ok.

Phoebe: Alright. (they go their separate ways. Chandler comes out and is freaking out again. The cigarette is hanging from his lip)

[Scene: The hallway, outside two doorways. Signs stand beside the doorways. Rachel reads one.]

Rachel: Anastassakis Papasifakis wedding. Ok! (the married couple come out) Congratulations! (the best man and the maid of honor come out) Mazel tov! (the priest comes out) Hi! Oh! Great hat! I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?

Priest: I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox?

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. They’re, they’re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopoulos and, uh, and Chandler Assadofalis.

[Scene: The hotel suite living room. Phoebe, the Gellers and the Bings are sitting down. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hi. Hi. (Helena puts his/her hand on his shoulder) Hi. Has, um, anyone seen Chandler?

Jack: I thought he was with you.

Ross: He, he was with me. Um, we’re playing a little game. You know, hide and seek.

Jack: You can’t ask us, son, that’s cheating.

Ross: You’re right. Thanks for keeping me honest, Dad.

Judy: Well, he better not come by here. He better not see the bride in the wedding dress.

Nora: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.

Helena: But that was after the wedding. It’s not bad luck then.

Nora: Honey, it isn’t good luck. (Monica comes out)

Ross: Oh my God, Monica!

Monica: I know! Hey, how’s Chandler doing?

Ross: Great! He’s going great. Don’t you worry about Chandler!

Monica: Are you ok?

Ross: Uh-huh!

Monica: Well, you’re sweating.

Ross: (wipes his brow) These, these are beads of joy.

Monica: That’s sweet! Don’t touch me!

Ross: Phoebe, uh, can I see you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah! (they go out in the hall) What’s going on?

Ross: Chandler’s gone again!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is at “flight risk”?

[Scene: Pier 59 Studios. Joey confronts Aaron.]

Joey: Aaron, you gotta let me go! The guy’s hammered!

Aaron: I’m sorry, Joey. As long as he’s here and he’s conscious, we’re still shooting. (Joey gives him the famous Fist Maneuver, invented by Ross, as he walks away. Joey goes into Richard‘s dressing room. He’s in there trying to cut his steak with a sword)

Richard: You wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork?

Joey: So, I uh, I just talked to the director. That’s it, we’re done for the day.

Richard: What, we finished the scene?

Joey: Yeah, you, you were wonderful.

Richard: As were you.

Joey: So, I got your car. It’s right outside.

Richard: Why, are we done for the day?

Joey: That’s what you told me!

Richard: (gets up) Uh! Thank you!

Joey: You’re welcome. (Richard stumbles to the couch) No, no, no, no, we gotta go, come on! Here we go! (lifts him onto his shoulder, so he’s hanging upside down)

Richard: Is that my ass? (they go out the door and he grabs a bottle of liquor from a table)

[Scene: The hotel hallway. Ross and Phoebe walk down it and they see Chandler.]

Ross: There it is!!

Chandler: What?! (Ross tackles him to the ground)

Phoebe: Hey! No!

Ross: You’re not getting away this time, Mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!!

Chandler: Ross!

Ross: Hi-yah!! I’m serious!! You’re not walking out on my sister!!

Chandler: (getting up) That’s right, I’m not.

Ross: The where the hell have you been?

Chandler: I know about Monica.

Phoebe: You know?

Ross: Know what?

Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.

Ross: What? What?! Talking about what?

Chandler: You don’t know?

Ross: Know what?! (getting angry) If somebody doesn’t tell me what’s going on now -

Phoebe: What? You’ll hi-yah?

Chandler: Monica’s pregnant.

Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God. And you, you, you, you’re not, you’re not freaking out?

Chandler: Well, I was and I went down to the gift shop cause I was out of cigarettes -

Ross: Cigarettes?!

Chandler: Hey! Picture, please! So, I was in the gift shop and that’s when I, uh, saw this (pulls out a white creeper (those things that little babies wear) that says “I <3 New York” out of a bag)

Ross and Phoebe: Oh!

Chandler: Yeah. And I thought anything that can fit into this can’t be scary.

Phoebe: You obviously didn’t see Chucky 3.

Chandler: Come on, look at how cute and small this is!! So I got it to give to Monica so she’d know I was ok.

Ross: Dude! (hugs Chandler)

Jack: (walking past) Way to go, son, I knew you’d find him!

[Scene: The museum hall. It’s the wedding. Close up on a violinist playing. Chandler walks down the aisle with his mom at this right and his dad at his left.]

Helena: My little boy is getting married.

Nora: Oh, look at you, so handsome.

Chandler: You look beautiful, Mom. (Helena clears his/her throat) You look beautiful too, Dad. I love you both. (kisses his dad) I’m so glad you could come. (kisses his mom. His parents sit down and Chandler goes up to the altar)

Priest: Are you Chandler?

Chandler: Are you...Joey?

(Phoebe, Ross and Rachel walk down the aisle.)

Ross: Huh. This is nice.

Phoebe: What?

Ross: I’ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can’t end in divorce. (they take their places.)

(The guests all stand up as Monica walks down the aisle, escorted by her parents. She is carrying a bouquet of red roses.)

Judy: I wish your grandmother had lived to see this.

Monica: (motioning to her right) She’s right there.

Judy: Not that old crone. My mother. (kisses Monica) Congratulations, darling.

Jack: (kisses Monica) We love you, sweetheart. (they sit down. Chandler stands by Monica)

Chandler: You look beautiful. (motions to her dress) Is this new?

Monica: Not now.

Chandler: Ok. (he takes her hand and they go up the altar. Rose petals are scattered all over the floor)

Monica: (sees the priest) Who’s this?

Priest: I’m Father Carrabesos. [Sorry about the spelling.]

Chandler: (whispers) He’s Greek Orthodox.

Rachel: (leans in to whisper) As are you.

Priest: Let us begin. Dearly beloved. (Joey runs in)

Joey: That’s my line!! (everyone turns to stare at him) I can take it from here. Thanks. (the priest walks off the altar) Dearly beloved. I’m sorry I’m a little late. (motions at his World War I costume) You may be confused by this now but you won’t be Memorial Day 2002. (winks) Well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again, huh? Ok. (Chandler laughs but stops when he sees Monica is shocked at the news) We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in the bonds of Holy Matrimony. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time and I cannot image two people more perfect with each other. (they smile) And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room, I shall proceed to the vows. Monica? (she turns and gets her paper from Rachel. She hands her the roses)

Monica: (to Rachel) He took off?

Rachel: (whispers) Go on! Go on!

Monica: (turns around) Chandler, for so long, I, I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. And then, three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to my friend for comfort. And instead I found everything that I had been looking for my whole life. And now, here we are, with our future before us. And I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend...Unless you don’t want to. (motions to Chandler) You go.

Joey: Chandler?

Chandler: (doesn’t take the paper Ross offers him) That’s, that’s ok. Monica, I thought this would be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when I saw you walking down the aisle, I realized how simple it is. I love you. Any surprises that come our way, it’s ok, as I will always love you. You were the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with .You wanna know if I’m sure? (kisses her)

Joey: You, uh, may now kiss the bride. So, I guess, by the powers invested in me, by the state of New York, and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you man and wife. Oh! Wait! Do you take each other?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: I do!

Joey: (happily) Yeah you do!!

Ross: Rings?

Joey: Aw crap! Uh, let’s do the rings. (Monica gets one from Rachel and Chandler gets one from Ross. Monica puts the ring on Chandler’s finger and vice versa)

Joey: We’re good? Huh? (looks at Rachel and Phoebe) Huh? (looks at Ross) Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss her again! (Chandler and Monica kiss and everyone applauds)

Chandler: I love you and I know about the baby.

Monica: What baby?

Chandler: Our baby.

Monica: (confused) We don’t have a baby.

Chandler: (also confused) Phoebe found the pregnancy test in the trash.

Monica: I didn’t take a pregnancy test.

Chandler: Then who did?

(Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.)

Phoebe: Look at them! And they’re gonna have a baby!

Rachel: (nods) Uh-huh.... (she has a very scared look on her face)

~There isn’t a tag scene or even a season premiere teaser.~